Friday, November 9, 2012

Newbie Issues



Yes this is actually me.



So palm to forehead, here we go.





Here is the car that pulled up this week to pick me up. Being the newbie that I am at ttwd, I stupidly got inside- what can I say yellow is indeed my favourite colour.  Yellow may be my favourite colour, but I should have been on RED alert.  For who was the driver of this awesome car ?- if you didn't guess Distancing Dixie I'm almost as disappointed in you as I am in myself.

This week my blog was actually full of fun and inspiring posts.  I truly do believe everything I wrote. Well believe and experienced ( ie egg whites) everything I wrote. 

All week though there was a small leak in the contentment balloon.  I knew it was there.  I kept trying to patch it, but to no avail.

I am not going to bore you this time with all my distancing applications.  It is the same old same old really.  I also know what I am supposed to do. I'm to pick myself up, do what Barney and I have agreed on-basically fake it 'til I make it. Did I do any of those things?  Nope.  Did I intend to EVERY day when I woke up- Absolutely.

Am I passive aggressively trying to get a reaction out of Barney?  Up until yesterday I would have shouted a resounding no!  Today I am not sure. There is definitely a snowball effect going on here.  I'm also old enough to know that it CAN work in a positive way to, if I allow it.  Trouble is the tiny little snowball that started its descent on Monday is now huge.  It is so huge. It needs to be pushed back up the hill in order for me to start again.  I realize I need help.  Maybe not to push it, but perhaps melt it.  Yes I am admitting it- God almighty I can't believe I am about to type these words on my blog.  I need a spanking. We need it.  We need the intimacy it creates. I need a reset.  I need to feel submissive and he needs to exert his dominance.

I haven't been disrespectful to my husband.  I have just closed myself off.  I know you are out there saying to yourself- Wilma why didn't you go to Barney?  Well because we are two people in the same house at the moment but he is not here.  Don't get me wrong we are not fighting, or angry with each other.  He is just so preoccupied with his new workload.  His two days off were spent working. Couple that with my starting to distance already, well let's just put it like this  Wilma................................Barney.

All is not lost. Before we started ttwd it would have been Wilma....................................................................................Barney.  With the exception of the fact that it wouldn't have even been noticed.  That was just how our lives were.  The issue with ttwd is that we become Barney-Wilma, so when life gets in the way  this <......> much distance feels more like <.............................................>

Mother Nature has also had her hand in us not being able to reconnect.  I'm sorry for the TMI but this is clearly going to be an ongoing issue in our lives, so I might as well just lay it out on the table.  I'll stop anybody now who would like to offer me some advice on the logistics of it- been there, done that, more than just the obvious reasons now what it is NOT going to happen.

So here I am...AGAIN... I know I am not alone. I've actually been conversing with some 'newbies' this week ( don't worry I'm not handing out advice).  I thought  I should make sure to mention that we are limping along over here  too despite my AH HA moments and our cooking together nights. Barney is still his same sweet self, but for some reason right now I am not letting him in, yet I want him in so badly.  I 'm hoping that makes sense to you all.

So back to the newbie confusion of it all.  Back to the I know what I/we need, BUT I don't want it if he's not wanting to give it.  And then the WHY do I need this? comes into play AGAIN. ( Just venting here people)
Just do your 'darn' things you agreed on.  Just EAT .  Just GO for a walk or walk the stairs.  This is ALL for YOUR benefit.  Act like the grown woman you are WILMA.  Yup so that's what's happen over here in Bedrock.

Barney actually had an era of HoH last night when he confronted me in the kitchen.  No he hasn't really had time for much other then the odd question here or there, but last night I could see a slight rage in him.  A quite calm, anger that I don't ever see.  When he is upset with a situation it is more a frustrated anger I witness.  No he was not impressed with my actions. or lack there of yesterday.  He did comment that I didn't look well earlier in the evening, but this time when he spoke, he made no excuses for me.  This is actually a first.  For the first time, I felt scolded- even though the words spoken were not really ones that would lead to that emotion.  There was a bit of a pit in my stomach.  Once he finished speaking, ( not a huge talker) the feeling left.  It wasn't a lasting feeling, but I can tell I there's an HoH in there....a little frightening actually.

But that was yesterday, today is today. And here I am leaking again.  Fortunately, of the 3 leaky Fridays of Wilma, this one has been the least leaky. That brings on new concerns though, as I basically am feeling indifferent.  I really think feeling indifferent is the worst 'emotion' there is because, well it really isn't an emotion.  It is a flat line.  Anger is passion.  Hurt is crippling at times, but it is there for a reason.  Happiness, well no explanation required- But indifferent, well that is concerning. 

It will be fleeting I know.  I'm learning that ttwd is like walking on jello ( no I have never tried, or wrestled in it either..just the EGG WHITES sheesh) very shaky at times, and sometimes you sink in a bit, but it still feels good. ( I'd imagine)

21 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are feeling down. Mother nature may be part of the problem. Just wait until the hormonal crazies happen later in your life. Wait- I am trying to cheer you up. Seriously, talk to Barney sometimes it's just that simple. I hope you feel better.

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    1. Thanks Minelle. I'm not sure 'down' is how I feel...Numb is more like it.

      The emotional crazies...yeah, well it would appear they are starting early. Seriously. I always have to be an overachiever. 41 years old and everything is going...well anyway you know :)

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  2. Wilma, Wilma, my friend,
    Another post, you were talking about how women who live close together become synced.....I think we are synced in other ways.
    This week has sucked for me. I have exercised once, written two meals in my journal (not on the same day) and had approximately three hours sleep each night for the past 5 days. I have tried to get to the things he wanted done and have made a little dent, but not enough.
    This is what I see here for you. Please forgive me if I am wrong. He is so focused on work you feel maybe a little left out? He needs to do what he needs to do right now for his job. Unfortunately, you need to do what you need to do while he is doing it.
    I have come to resent that term "fake it til you make it". I have been doing it all of my life and I can't recognize my true feelings or identify what is really bothering me. My advice is don't fake it. Pull out those emotions, shake them off, hang them on the line and examine them closely. Tell Barney honestly what you feel and think, or write it in a letter to him ; ). When you fake it too much you go numb.
    You want some attention from your husband, who cares what form it takes.
    Tonight I asked my husband to whack the bajeebers out of me. He knew I was serious (this was all said in a bantering tone). He teasingly asked "with the spoon or the belt...." ( he has only ever used the spoon)
    My response, "the whole arsenal, start with the brush, then the spoon, then the belt, then"
    He said, "Don't worry I will take care of you"..... with him that doesn't mean he will do what I asked, he will do what he thinks he needs to do. I am just desperate for stress relief and sleep.
    Don't be afraid to tell him whats wrong and what you need from him. If it really is his attention, maybe maintenance while he is so focused on work?
    Don't be hard on yourself, Wilma. You are trying to figure this out, but be careful of pouring out all your feelings to blog land and forgetting to share with your husband. I realized I was starting to do this in my post "I'll walk slow". I thought about not blogging anymore because I was turning to it more than my husband. But this community is incredibly supportive and has helped me see what is really going on in my posts. It is just my priority to share it with my husband now.
    I am sorry this is so long, and I truly do not mean to offend. If I seem abrupt, but it down to a lack of sleep.
    ((((Hard Hugs))))

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    1. Hmmm...I can see where my entry would have you see these things.

      No I don't believe Barney's working has anything to do with my feelings this week. I do reflect a great deal on why/why not I am feeling a certain way.

      He has come to me as he always does. I suppose it is the physical disconnect more than the spending time with him..ah yes and the LACK of sleep...oh gosh what I wouldn't do for some sleep-- that is a whole other post.

      I have lost some weight over the past week/two- who says the Halloween Candy diet doesn't work. Anyway once I drop below a certain poundage, even 2 pounds below, I get so sleepy. I hadn't realized I had done this until I weighed myself this morning..more explanation to the why I suppose

      I actually wrote this post with Barney in mind. He reads my blog every other day, so nothing gets shared here that he doesn't see :) That being said, I shared because of a few friends who feel like they are going through things that I am not. That I am just skipping along the yellow brick road picking up epiphany's and putting them in my basket. I wasn't going to write about Weepy Willie AGAIN...because well ...sigh Honestly who needs it? But it was not for me this time :)

      As for the fake it til you make it comment- I suppose it is all in how you interpret it. In this case I just really meant energy begets energy. If I start small and do one little thing, then the next thing will happen, etc...If I don't...nothing will change. I suppose I should have said, see the change.
      I am so not about supressing emotions any more. NOPE not gonna do it! Enter Weepy Willie Fridays, but so be it. It is getting easier.

      Thanks for sharing and taking the time Blue Bird.

      Love Back At Ya...and here's hoping your hubby treats ya right tonight- whatever he has in store.

      Willie

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    2. It must be my crossed eyed lack of sleep that has me reading more doom and gloom than necessary. Seriously, you started off with a happy yellow Bee!
      Instead of "fake it til you make it" how about "taking one step and then another"?
      If my rant helps your friends...glad I could help.
      Love and hugs

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  3. Wilma, I just love the way you write. I hope that you guys can bridge the distance. I hate indifference...it's like the absence of any sort of feeling. I hope your indifference leaves you soon and happiness returns.
    Bea

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    1. Thanks Bea! I'm continually flattered here.

      I have no doubt the bridge will be gapped! It is so much easier to do that now-especially because I am generally getting better at noticing the warning signs. It is just that we haven't had time/energy to hash it out yet.

      I hate indifference with a passion- but that is what our marriage was before ttwd for many years,( at least on my part) so this little blip in the road will be dealt with sooner rather than later!

      W

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  4. Wilma.
    Patience. It is that simple and the hardest thing in the world.
    You shouldn't blame yourself for feeling this way. It is natural. It is something everyone goes through at one time or another. Whenever I have a heavy workload, Lillie feels the same way and we have problems. She becomes passive/agressive and does the same things you are doing.
    Be patient. Blog like crazy. Avoid pressuring Barney.
    Be good.
    Ian.

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    1. Well Ian first I MUST thank you for taking the time. Seriously I little bird told me you don't type often.

      I'll try to be patient :) And it does help to know that I employ the same failing techniques as Lillie even if I am not conscious of it at the time I am doing it.

      Writing it out in a blog certainly does help. I do feel much better- well except for those 10 minutes after I read Lillie's warning email that you were typing a comment...Would you pinch her for me please? She's expecting it. I did say PINCH not bite!

      As for being good? Well that is all relative isn't it? I'll start tomorrow off with every intention and see where it goes from there.

      Seriously Thanks Ian

      Willie

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  5. Awww Willie - Triple whammy - Mother nature strikes, Barney preoccupied with his new workload, and newbie insecurities. I think BB may have hit on something with her comment "He is so focused on work you feel maybe a little left out?" You are still questioning Barney's commitment to DD which is totally normal but add that to him being distracted with work plus hormone hell equals you retreating to your safe place ala "Distancing Dixie".

    I know a lot of people advocate 'fake it til you make it' and if that works for them, who am I to say they are wrong. However, that has never worked for me. When I start faking anything, I have a tendency to withdraw even further because I feel so fake - actually knocks my self-esteem, which has never been the best, straight into the cellar.

    OK, here's my advice, which along with a dollar, might get you a cheap cup of coffee. Talk to Barney! (So what if he's busy with work. If I were to ask him which is more important to him, wife or job - guess what his answer would be - no hesitation, his wife.) Barney is still growing in his role and let's face it - he is not a mind reader woman! If you need a reset, tell the man! Use BB's line "whack the bajeebers out of me". LOL Hey, he can take any frustrations he has with the new job out on your tushie! ;) BTW, I just recently read somewhere but darn it, now can't find the article, that sex actually helps with the symptoms of Mother Nature. (If I find the article, I'll forward it to you.)

    After that, get moving, clean out a closet, the basement, the kitchen, anything that will get your blood pumping. Kick that itch with a B to to the curb - get mad, sad, glad, happy, silly, anything but flat! Hang in there sweetie - Mother Nature will go on her merry way to make someone else miserable and you will get a handle on all this.

    Blessings,
    Cat

    PS, You can always get mad at me for my opinion/advice which should also kick Distancing Dixie to the curb! :D

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  7. ^ the comment removed thing is because my response to Ian ended up here first.

    I'm not mad at anyone Cat :). I actually felt much better after I posted on my blog. That happens quite often, and then I find it hard to reply to comments because the weight has already been lifted. I am no longer flat lining because a certain friend of ours *wink* gave my heart a shock! And got my blood pumping. lol
    I can see how you can see 'fake it til you make it' like that. I guess I've never committed to it to that degree. I am more 'fake it ISH, til you get distracted by something shiny' LOL

    As for the literature. Send it off..I have my own techniques...lol..but things are a changin' and so is the effectiveness of that too. Mother Nature has left the building, for now. She has been appearing almost biweekly as of late and that witch stays FOREVER!. GRRRR...

    Thanks Cat

    Love Willie

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  8. *hugs*

    i can't say anything the others haven't already. i WILL say that distance does seem wider when you're doing TTWD.

    And i can also say, there is a period of fumbling and figuring out and questioning and finding equilibrium - all of us had this - and this too will pass as you settle into a dynamic that BOTH of you feel comfortable with.

    remember - he's sorting all this out in his head as well :)

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    1. Thanks Fondles.

      I wanted other Newbies out there to know, like I said, I am not skippy through life picking up epiphanies on a daily basis. This is work, and we are working on it :)

      I am not trying to scare anyone. I just wanted them to know that they are not alone.

      Every bump in the road on this journey has its challenges, but would I stop this journey? NO FLIPPIN' WAY!

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  9. Oh Wilma, so sorry you are feeling this way, I can totally understand. Barney being preoccupied, newbie insecurities and mother nature lending a helping hand to boot (bless her).

    It's no wonder Distancing Dixie has come out to play her part. I think we have all been there and what you are going through is perfectly 'normal'. It sounds though that you are not a million miles away from Barney, am I right? It also sounds as though HoH Barney is still there.

    I think maybe time is the cure in this case. Things will settle back to normal as things settle for Barney with his new job. I think a lot of what you are feeling at the moment is down to mother nature too. Sometimes external 'life' factors happen and take our focus and when that happens retaining your ttwd focus can be very difficult.

    Tell Barney you need to sit down and talk with him when he has time to fully devote to a discussion then tell him how you are feeling. Tell him you think a reset would really help you if that's what you think you need, but let him make the decision.

    I can empathise with you right now too. Rick was necessarily preoccupied with external issues last week and also exhausted. I find whenever he is preoccupied or not 100% I start to distance a bit too - which is exactly what I did. I wish I knew why. I think maybe it's because we are just so close and focused on each other now that it just doesn't feel 'right' when something else takes that focus away.

    While I am still feeling a little distant, I think I am slowly finding my way back. I know you will too.

    Hang in there

    Love and (((Hugs)))

    Scrappy Roz aka Coffee buddy

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    1. Hey good evening- if you are still up.

      What a horrible coffee buddy I am, posting early, so you're NOT the first to respond*lol* and then getting up late!

      I am actually feeling much better this morning. I felt better before bed last night. It is funny how life works. I (accidently) posted this post last night around 8:30 my time. By 9 my body was totally exhausted and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and go to sleep. I went upstairs to actually physically distance myself from all the testostrone in my house, Barney was at work- Wanting nothing more than to flop down in bed.It was then that I noticed that my &^%$# Dog had peed in the middle of my bed! Great. Right through the duvet cover, duvet, both sheeets, and moistening the flippin mattress. Laundry time- and I already had a load going. It was going to be a long night.
      The thing is, while I was waiting for my now cleaned mattress to dry, I received and email ( love ya email buddy). That started a slight chat back and forth. Then I started to receive comments on this post, which also started the dialog flowing. In the end my things were long dry ( well not the duvet, but meh) and I was still awake, and responding and more importantly thinking...Also thinking the dog is telling me she doesn't care for Distancing Dixie as a house 'guest' either!
      Funny how life does get in the way-but sometimes in a good way!
      ********************
      So when I go to bed, when Mother Nature isn't visiting, I have a nightly ritual I do. Nothing kinky *wink* it basically is HOW I come to bed. It is not a rule, it is just something Barney once told me he liked in passing, so I have done it since _I_started ttwd ( I can do it when he's not around if that is what you guys are thinking-it is not THAT). The act alone makes me feel more vulnerable/submissive. Anyway, with no reason not to do this last night, I still climbed in bed like Mother Nature was between us. Barney curled around me as usual-since we started ttwd that is. I lay there for a while and then thought- What are you doing Wilma, you didn't do that thing. So I got up and did it. WELL, that brought on reconnection pretty darn quick! lol My mind/guilt was somewhere else for the greater part of it, but he has a way of coaxing me around...OMG - TMI Willie!
      Tonight is cook together night around here, and this morning, unlike yesterday, I am very much looking forward to it! We'll have to discuss a few things again because the Mother Nature thing, the work schedule, and the insecurity and newness of ttwd is not going away anytime soon. We'll have to come up with some sort of plan to deal with this in the future...sigh
      Glad I didn't ACTUALLY have to ya know get ( the S word) to feel reconnected..What was I thinking ? lol. Although I'm not entirely sure that is off the table where Barney is concerned after what he said to me last night!

      Thanks as always Scrappy. I'm not completely 'back' either, but if feels better where I am. I hope things continue to get better with you and Rick too.

      Love ya lots!

      Willie!

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  10. ******************UPDATE***********************************

    Saturday morning update-

    I could have actually made this a blog post, but I have a more serious, not Dd one related I have for later. Not too mention if I am not careful, I am going to be the blogger with the most post for 2012, and I just started in October!

    Barney read yesterday’s post this morning before work. He didn’t have time to get through all the comments yet, but he will tonight trust me.

    W-“ Well?”
    B_ “ Yup seems about right”
    W “Sorry?”
    B – “ I was pretty sure that is what was going on here this week. Bang on actually Don’t worry, I was going to deal with it”
    W- “ Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay”

    We then had a discussion on blogging and distancing. NO I am not loosing any privileges, we basically came to the same conclusion that I always found ways to distract me and aid in distancing BEFORE I started blogging. What can I say? It is an ‘art’ <- NOT, that I have perfected over the years. Barney told me he wants me to keep blogging and keeping in touch with everyone because he said “ I know you need it”. I just have to be more alert about my distancing.

    On his way to work today we were talking about Heir to the Throne, and manipulating a situation, and learning how to read people….skip waaaaay forward to

    B” Well some of my worst hires have given the best interviews”
    W ( teasing tone) “ Well maybe you’re just a poor judge of character- I mean look who you married”
    B- “ OH I *KNEW* who I was marrying.”
    W “ Really? And now? Did you see THIS coming? “ giggling
    B “ Well NO- I didn’t see the 360 coming”
    W- “ The *360* ? Like I am back to the beginning again? “ laughing
    B-“ Well no, I guess 180 then…which ever gets your @ss in the right direction”
    W- “ Yeah NICE”
    B---chuckling.

    So back from fondling all the produce at the grocery store, and the sun is shining…getting ready for our night together. Spring in my step again.

    Thanks again all- for picking me up, smacking me in the side of the head and all that good stuff!
    Love Willie

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  11. I am so glad to hear all is right with your world again. : D
    So is my world, I got nine hours of deep sleep. Yeahhh!!!! No, I didn't get the bajeebers whacked out of me. He offered to try, but I knew he wouldn't be able to do it the way I suspected I needed it. We aren't there yet.
    Instead he massaged my back and shoulders long and hard. I started weeping (cause I thought it wouldn't work). Then he lay next to me and stroked my back and hair. It was nice but I still didn't think it would work. Then suddenly I woke up 9 hours later from a deep sleep. I didn't even feel myself drift into sleep.
    Isn't it great about posting? You're carrying around this weight and you put it in blog land and you feel lighter.
    I hope you have a great weekend Willie!

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    1. See a little faith goes a long way doesn't it..Okay, so you didn't EXACTLY have faith, but you played along and it worked!

      I remember around my birthday when Barney 'commanded' me to sleep for 8 hours, and it actually worked! LOL Sure lucky timing on his part, as I'm not THAT good :) but it was soooooo amazing!

      I fell alseep NO problem last night. Still waking up around 4-4:30, and after all my emotional *poop* last night, and Barney wanted to reconnnect, well I didn't get much sleep again. Here's to TONIGHT ! I might have to ask on a pass for reconnectiong and take a glass of wine and a Gravol ( motion sickness pill...makes me sleepy) and see if that works. Oh medical people out there leave me be! *wink*

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  12. Way late...I know you understand...but I just thought I'd say that the distancing thing isn't just for newbies. It keeps on hitting those of us who struggle with it. Over and over and over again. I think it's really great that it is something both of you are focusing on b/c as you learn to do it less, it will make such a difference. That my friend, I know first hand. Barney doesn't have it all together all the time. None of our men do but it's pretty easy to see you two grabbing hands and taking steps forward. You're doing just fine!

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    1. Susie hearing from you later is better than never at all.

      Thank you for your vote of confidence. Sometimes that is all we need :)

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