Conflict. Resolution. Emerging stronger. Seems to be the theme not only here but in life. But what happens when there is a factor that seeps in between resolution and emerging stronger? What if there is self doubt? Emerging stronger certainly cannot happen with this factor wedged in there.
Barney and I talked yesterday and the night before. The decision was made (again) to go forward with ttwd. I haven't wavered from that. I know this is how things have to be. How I want them to be. For once ( at least I think it is once) I feel I am going to be the force setting us back. NO- please don't think I have blamed our setbacks on Barney. I blame our setbacks in the past on BOTH of us. This time I have to work through things--and I so desperately want to do it myself. I know, a big NO. NO. sigh.
Aside from THAT glaring issue. I don't exactly KNOW what the problem is. You see, I feel different inside. I can't decide if it the external pressures of life, or if is that I've totally lost my submissiveness. It would appear that over the past two weeks, I have distance myself so far away from ttwd. From Barney.
I want it back. I want the space to be gone. I want the wall to be lower. I want to stop just catching glimpses of my submissive self. I am truly much happier when I am in that state of mind.
Talk, talk, talk. But what to say? I clearly don't know what is 'wrong'.
The same can be said for others coming in. I have had a horrible week. ( I have also had a lot of fun joking and teasing with friends here too). External factors, which have always been there, have been more disruptive this week. I have allowed an individual and his comments to poison my emotions.
Not long after we started ttwd, I was more than capable dealing with this person. I felt his harsh words, and the true meaning behind them could not affect me anymore. The old addage, " Sticks and Stones.....words can never hurt me" did not apply this time. I ended up in a state of rage, which I recognize is my defence to cover the hurt. I am upset with myself for caring about this. I let him push me further away from the person I want to be.
Barney and I talked about this incident last night. But what is there to say? Ignore him? How can Barney help me with my feelings that arrive when dealing with this person? Anyway, the incident is merely another factor complicating things.
I know in the future I have to pay more attention to the warning signs- when I feel I am slipping away a to talk to Barney about it. Right now though I have to find my way back, and I am unsure where to start. What to do. How to sort through the issues I am having as I am unclear WHAT the problem is exactly.