Monday, November 12, 2012

Scaring Readers and No Answers To Give- So Helpful Wilma!

<----So this is NOT me.  Well it actually is me face to face discussing anything but TTWD.  Then again I only discuss TTWD face to face with Barney.  Well ONCE  it wasn't even face to face--another story for another time.

  You see recently I have received a few emails from women thinking about starting/asking their husbands for a Dd lifestyle. DO NOT PANIC !  I am not I dishing out advice- or trying to convert the masses to TTWD.  Quite frankly it makes me a little uncomfortable.

   When people ask my parenting advice, I usually tell them what has worked for me, but am quick to add that what works for one does not work for another-even with different children in the same house.  I tell them to listen to what people say, read, and then draw their own conclusions on what they think will work for them.  I always add, prepare for it not to work right away.  So is that the sort of thing one could apply to ttwd?  Perhaps.  I am still in the 'new parent' stage of ttwd.  Barney and I are like these guys:

     A lovely commenter on LOL7 said she was considering this lifestyle, and she was drawn to the relationships that she read about on other blogs.  I am assuming she means the closeness.  She did say that I have scared her a bit.  That she is afraid that ttwd might ruin the relationship she already has.

   Well I can't comment to that.  What I can comment to is my relationship, my marriage and my crazy, scary blog entries. ( By the way I understand how from reading my posts, you would find ttwd scary.  That was not my intent though )

    If you read around a lot of women here in Dd Blog Land talk of emotional walls (myself included), peeling back layers, ( done that too).  I think I have mentioned before that I have had a habit of suppressing things ( um, pretty obvious THAT is changing). I started to think about this commentator a lot in bed, as sleep seems not to be an option.  Then I thought of an incident that happened a few years ago.

     I was at my son's elementary school.  He was receiving an award, ( yay 3rd in line to the Throne!).  The ceremony was held in the gymnasium.  All toll there was probably 150 people there.  Most of them children. A low roar came over the gym.  It actually sounded like water starting to run through old pipes. After about 2 - 3 seconds someone yelled " It's an earthquake!"

****Now before I continue I feel I should tell you I do live on a fault line. Not the one that will have me slipping into the ocean.  We have hundreds of tremors every year.  Most of them go unnoticed. Our conversations after  are ususally, " Did you feel the earthquake last night?" So nothing unusual or usually dangerous.   So there should have been no call for alarm.  This earthquake had a  magnitude of 5.0 and its epicentre was about 45 km from where we were.  It also lasted 28 seconds, which doesn't SOUND long, but trust me it is. Usually an earthquake around here is over before your brain registers what is happening. Alright back to my story...

     "It's an earthquake!"  Before I knew what was happening, I had my son by the arm and we were heading for the door ( I know you are not supposed to do where to hide in a gym). I was rushing quickly for a few steps before I regained my composure ( earth still quaking).  I thought to myself,

                         " Oh my God Wilma, you just past several children!" 

    Now no, I was not George Costanza from the Seinfeld episode where he's pushing people out of the way to gain his own safety, but I still was surprised at my reaction.  I let go of my son, close to the door and made sure all the other kids got out...AGAIN earth still quaking.  My girlfriend Roseanne had come with us, and by the time I got outside she was half way through a cigarette.  She calmly said,
" I went through the other door. No one was using it".

    My point to this story?  Well instinctively my brain took over to protect my son and myself.  It happened within a second of realizing what was going on.   Instinct.   Protection.   I think that this is what has happened with many women here over the course of their lives.  Emotionally speaking of course.  Our brains click, step into action to protect us from hurt and before we even realize it, the emotion is locked away and we are 'safe'.  I think the more times we've done this, the more bricks in the wall, layers of the onion, whatever you want to say, happen.
     Most women start their blogs after they have been doing ttwd for a while.  Well, longer than me anyway.   I know why now, because you can look like a bit of a loony when you write about how many weepy breakdowns you have.  I can honestly assure you, my FTFF ( face to face friends) would never suspect a Weepy Willie even existed-someone who was so unsure.  But please don't be frightened by this.  The early stages of ttwd have caused great emotional growth. - Wait, that's  isn't  actually correct.  It has dusted of the emotional chest. - Polished off the tarnish.  I feel great!  I have actually started to laugh so hard I snort. -Okay, NOT a great side affect admittedly..but it sure feels fantastic to do so.  My feet are much lighter.

     If you have been reading along in my journey you may have come to the conclusion that I am driving a car that has at least one wheel with several bolts loose.  I can't deny it.  What can I say?  I over think EVERYTHING.   So does this make my journey more difficult on me then it would on you?  I'm not sure.  Do I look for issues that aren't there?  Not sure about that either.  How long am I going to be emotionally loony- (well I did have a nice flow going there with question, unsure answer, question, unsure answer, but unfortunately if I were to be honest this answer is...) most likely Forever!  lol

     The reason why you won't find people on Dd blogs giving direct advice to people considering 'the life' is not because they are keeping secrets.   It is that there is no formula.  Just like parenting, you have to figure out what is right for YOU. ( FYI---still working on that over here)  What is rigtht for your relationship.  Perhaps this isn't it for you.  I will tell you in my very limited experience so far, that you have to be committed to let this work.  It would be all too easy to pack it in in the beginning.  But we, like many here, noticed positive changes that we want to keep, and let grow in our relationship.  I am sure there are others out there that have quit doing this because they didn't feel this way.   Do we know where this is going to lead?  Where we will be like next month?  Perhaps in the exact same spot we are now.  Perhaps we'll be hip deep in Dd.  I can't tell you.  I can tell you we feel that there is no option but moving forward with ttwd from here.  Were we on the brink of divorce before this?  Not in the near future- but we were growing further and further apart.  My husband  either didn't recognize this himself at the time, or was unwilling to admit it.  After our short journey so far, he realizes how far apart we had become because of how close we are now. 

 But that is us.


  1. Another reason, why you don't find direct advice on DD blogs, is that everybody is just travelling a road. What is right today may feel wrong tomorrow.
    There are many other roads and sometimes you worry if you had best chosen another road.
    There are however several sites where you can find good advice about static situations.
    If this happens, then do that.
    It may help in the beginning.

  2. Excellent point Bas. There is a great deal of trial and error ( at least in my limited experience ).

  3. I've found TTWD to be very much learn as you go. While there are a lot of blogs talking about how their particular relationship works, it might not necessarily work for our relationship. So we take the ideas that do work for us, toss the ones that don't and throw in a few of our own along the way. Sometimes we have to try a few ideas before we find the right one for us.

    We were much like you in that we weren't necessarily headed for divorce, but there was a distance between us. We didn't realize how big that distance was until we grew closer. Now neither of us can imagine going back.

    1. I think for me the scariest part has been the feeling that we are/could be slipping back toward the distance between us at times. There is a lot of getting back up and dusting ourselves off, and starting again. Although each time it is just a smidgen easier.

  4. Is it okay to simply say "Amen sister!"

    1. Well now that depends. Are you Amening the photo of Barney and I stumbling around?

    2. Well admittedly, the two of you are tremendously scary. :)

      No you're not!

      I think one of the biggest hurdles in ttwd and learning/reading is figuring out not only that you have to do it your own way, but then being brave enough to do that. MM and I are in the middle of finding our own way right now and I'm having a hard time writing about it, b/c I don't know if it'll be understood or if...well...people might find us scary! :)

      Ergo, "Amen Sister!"

      What am I doing here anyway? I'm not supposed to be on blogger during the day...
      Back to my Monday chores which are a lot scarier than the whole lot of us!

    3. Well maybe I won't let the B-man in on your little secret about finding your way again. When he hears that couples who have been practicing Dd for a while are reinventing themselves, he looks at me with huge eyes, and an expression of " How long is this contract for anyway?" that look was more about Christina and her MIL spanking in her mid 70s...he's still trying to recover from that story. Don't want to SCARE him anymore... :-)

      Gotcha on the Monday list! It is warm here today which means outside stuff too!

      Looking forward to your next post !

  5. You're not scary, or scaring newbies. People scare themselves with their imaginings of what their own lives would look/feel like if they put on a dd cloak like yours or any other blogger. You can erase any guilt you may be feeling about this. Plus, any thoughts you may have had to censor future writings to avoid scaring someone - fuh-get about it! Not necessary, and truly not nearly as helpful to you our anybody else if you don't process from your heart, mind and soul.

    I wrote a lot more, but remembered it's your blog, not mine! Lol!

    Keep on doing what you do, the way you do it. Trust that your readers will comment and ask questions if something sounds scary. This is serious stuff, but we can have fun and make light of our own foibles in the process. After all, we each want the best for ourselves and our partners.

    Boo! ;-)


  6. Irishey always know that you can write as much as you like on my blog. Lord knows NO ONE has given me this permission for their blog, and yet I still take such liberties.

    As for censoring me...? Not likely! lol

    Thanks for stopping by, ( although I'd like to know what else you wrote)


    P.S. I am very scary dammit!

  7. It can be kind of stressful when someone pops up asking for advice with the assumption that maybe we know what we're doing...
    I had a week where I must have written something that accidentally made it sound like I knew what I was talking about. For a few days there was an email or two waiting for me every morning asking for advice...I may have panicked. Just a teensy weensy bit.

    But then I figured, it is what it is. We all do our best, and if my random moments of rambling are actually found helpful by some, more power to them.

    It did make me feel a bit like writing a disclaimer at the top of the blog though...

    1. Hey lil.

      Well, and I truly mean no disrepect to 'my readers' but um, I have to wonder if they are only reading my happy rainbow and unicorn posts- because WHY in the heck would they think I am any 'good' at 'this'

      BUT that is not to say I can't listen to them... I have no problem recounting my mistakes, or lending an ear.

      As for the disclaimer, excellent point, but I'm afraid it would be longer than my posts, which as you know tend to go on and on and on......

  8. Hi Willie,
    Exactly. Advice is very difficult to give regarding ttwd. This thing looks different at everybody's house and they arrived at it in very different ways. What worked for Ian and I may not work for someone, just as we may not have been able to duplicate what works for Bas and Lisa.
    It is a journey. At the risk of being label a geek and a pothead - Carlos Casteneda tells us that every path leads to nowhere. In other words, it is not the destination - it is the journey. It might lead you right back to where you began, but you will not be the same person when you get there.
    Also, Willie to comment on our crying jags, because I have them also (all the time, still) no birth is painless. A new "thing" is being created and it causes angst and pain - maybe it has to. The payoff is the coming back together, and no one can predict how or when that will happen.
    Ian said once that he would NEVER recommend this lifestyle to anyone. He loves being an HOH in our marriage, but he was quite right when he said that you have to seek it out yourself.
    Not that one can't learn from the really excellent examples of thriving dd marriages, but at the end of the day, you have to put one foot in front of the other and walk it yourself.
    hugs and love

  9. PRETTY sure no one is going to accuse you of being a pot head Lillie! * wink*( Lovin' the new picture with your name btw)

    I don't think there is any harm in someone saying, once the 'life' has been chosen, that this is what we do.....Because that is how we can learn from one another. I mean the irony of a post asking others for advice is not lost on me. OBVIOUSLY you know better than most I do it all the time. I am just stating that _I_ shouldn't be the person to ask is all :) And by that I don't mean ..." What did you do when this happened?" I have no problem telling people WHAT I did, just " HOW would you...." scares me.



  10. As you and the others have said, everyone is different and have to find their own way. Most people just want a guideline and to know that what they seek has been done before. If they followed everybody else's stories they would make themselves crazy.

    And Lil, I don't think you're a pothead. I've read many or Carlos Castenada's books also and I know I am not one, not that I haven't indulged a time or two.

    1. Hey Sunny indulged a time or two huh? lol

      I think if anyone is going to be accused of being a pothead around here I would be 'high' on the list and not because I go posting Carlos Casteneda's quotes on other people's blogs either!

      I can understand wanting the guidelines. It is very frustrating starting out because you think, HOW do I be submissive? What kind of rules? WHAT do I say to him to ask?

      I will say that as I am not ( or at least I didn't THINK I was) a temper tantrum thrower- OH HUSH OUT THERE MASSES! etc...I wasn't sure how I could act before I asked Barney for this thing. I made up a fake questionaire, printed it off. He thought it was from a magazine that I printed from the computer. I asked him what bothered him around the house, what he liked...even favourite meals, how he prefered my hair, clothes of mine he liked, he didn't like-recipes he didn't care for, what I did that made him feel sexy,what he would prefer me to wear to bed, what I did that he thought was unhealthy, what behavour of mine he doesn't care for or worries him -things like that.

      He, naturally was so leary about answering them. It took him several days to do so. I used them as guidelines at the beginning part of ttwd. Well I still keep them in mind. None of them have become rules- but I follow most of them to the letter...well except the unhealthy stuff...grrrr...spank!

    2. OMG! I wish I had thought of making a questionnaire. How brilliant! LOL! You should post a sample of your questionnaire. I would use it.
      In a month or so you should ask Barney to fill it out again. It would be interesting to see if the answers have changed.

    3. If I still have it I'll send it to you. But basically those were the subject matters of the questions. Barney thought I worded them 'quite brutally'...What can I say, I worded them so their would be no grey area.

      Things like how I wear my hair, are not really important to him, but if he HAD to choose, he prefers down as opposed to in a pony tail..But he has no real objection to my hair up. Things like that.

      I can't even remember the specific question, something like, " I really wish my wife would stop...." His answer, " Worrying about other people's problems. She can't help everyone" Really got me. I guess I either didn't think I did that, or that he noticed. I had something else in mind for the answer to that one, and it was totally superficial.

      Anyway, I don't think it would be too hard if a woman sat down and really thought about it to make her own custom made questionaire.

    4. THERE would be no grey areas not their...gosh I hate when I do that!

    5. I got it, don't worry. I am the last one to police your grammar! : )

  11. Hi Willie!
    No, you are right, there isn't a pattern, cookie cutter, mail order blueprint for this thing called DD.
    Having said that the best advise I received about this lifestyle was a question in the comment section of one of my posts.

    Is it really about getting him to discipline you or is it about him growing into his role of leadership and authority?

    That question really made me stop and think. I have let go of my need to teach him what he is supposed to do and am now allowing him to choose how he is going to respond to a situation. He doesn't always choose the road that I think he should or that of discipline, but that doesn't mean it isn't effective.

    Overall, this has brought us closer. We are more giving and attentive to each other.

    The only constant in all of these relationships is the husband assumes leadership of the family and the wife yields to his leadership. Everything else grows from there in very different ways for every couple.

    Doesn't it feel like you are in kindergarten with this stuff and you have been asked to write a dissertation on this lifestyle? LOL! It feels like everyday something new happens and I wasn't expecting it and don't know how to deal with it. LOL! One step in front of the other!

    1. Hey BB!

      Some days I wish I could figure out what I feel! LOL

      Most times around here anyway, there is nothing for days...then WHAM!...tears.... frustrations...tears... dust clears...exhale ... life is good...repeat!

      Worth it.

  12. Brilliant post Wilma :) as always.

    You are right, it is just like parenting, what works for one does not work for another. (living example of that one!) It is all trial and error at the beginning, though it is good to have those sites that do give advice and guidelines on 'how to' that you can fall back on when you come a bit unstuck. I know that reading your blogs and replies to my own, have helped a lot. Sometimes reading how you have handled a situation or just a good laugh (with you..not at you) about situations has even helped.
    No two couples are the same. I can totally relate some days to that picture of the blindfolded people!

  13. Hey M3--congrats on the 40 hours!

    Brilliant as always...notice how I dropped the word post? You are too kind, or high from being 40 hours spank free!

    And you can laugh AT me anytime you want to too :)

  14. Hey Willie - you scary? No way! Lillie? A pothead? hmmmm - interesting thought. ;)

    I agree with what everyone else has already posted.

    With that said, here's my additional 2 cents worth - the internet is the best and worst thing that has happened for TTWD/DD. For those of you yelling, calm down and I'll explain! :)

    It is the best thing that has happened because people no longer feel that they are alone, freaks, disturbed, strange, or whatever other negative they have thought about themselves. They can reach out and ask questions, get support, and make lovely friendships. It is a wonderful community and support network.

    It is also the worst that can happen if (underline if) people (men and women) start comparing their lives, journey, marriage to someone else - why is her HoH stepping up and you're not, why is his wife submissive and you're not, blah, blah, blah. The more they read, the more dissatisfied they become. No two people, marriages, situations, journeys, etc. are ever going to be exactly the same so they are going to be unhappy.

    There are also going to be some people who want an exact step by step manual - insert slot A into slot C and align with Part G. Sorry folks - not happening.


    1. HUH? Can I be a little bit scary? I've been attacking my house with my scary persona all day!

      I think you are right, as always. I do think there are ultimately more benefits with the internet then not. I also have to wonder though, because of the way I have worded things in the past people have thought this of me, that people are quick to think that newbies are comparing themselves to others. Sure we see WHERE the more experienced ttwd couples are, and sure we'd like to be there, but it doesn't always mean we look over and go HELLO? to our spouses. I think of it as an athlete practicing for an event, and they watch others and can't wait to get to that point, but that doesn't mean that they dislike themselves because of where they are now...does that make any sense?

      Ah no matter if it doesn''s my blog...lmbo!

      Thanks as always Cat

    2. Ok, so you can scare your house. I'll give you that one. :)

      I've never seen you comparing yourself and/or Barney to any other couple but I have seen bits of it in other blogs and in comments around blogville.

      You make an excellent point with the athelete analogy. Admiring and striving is one thing - comparing is something else. And yes, you made very good sense!

  15. I haven't intentionally done it, but I can see how some reading my blog would interpret that I was comparing us to other couples.

    I am trying to scare my house...unfortunately the man cave is more scaring me at the moment. Just came upstairs to get different weapons for the fight!

  16. So much to think about here. I learned early on to try not to compare my marriage to others. It doesn't matter if it is DD or not. We can never follow exactly what someone else is doing. advice changes with each telling/ sharing of ideas. I bet it is sort of like the telephone game....Wow am I showing my age.

    1. Minelle the kids still play telephone when we go camping, so you're not showing your age...Playing texting around the campfire isn't that fun!

  17. Late to post here....Ryan had the computer at class tonight....Boo!

    I agree with what everyone has said....ttwd looks different at everyone's house. It is kind of like making Chili in my neck of the woods....stay with me here....everyone seems to have their own very unique way of making it....but in the end it is still Chili. Sorry that is the best I can do....I feel a cold settling in, and I feel a little groggy ;)

    I do have to say....I have several close friends who are having marital problems. These marriages are all under the 15 year mark...small children....and I just want so bad to help. I know, I know I would NEVER! But, knowing how happy I am now....and how unhappy we were before ( and didn't really know it) I just want everyone to be happy. Like I said, no way in heck would I say anything....I would be embarrassed....and Ryan would kill me! I have been so bold to recommend a few books when a friend took notice in our marriage....nothing out there, but ya know.

    Well, I have rambled on enough.....loved this Wilma...another good one!

    Love ya friend....


    1. Yeah Lucy What the heck? Sheesh...tell Ryan you guys need another laptop...I'm kidding of course! Don't TELL him anything...

      I like your cold induced chili analogy. Personally I hate beans in mine, Barney used to tell me it is not chili without beans ( little red ovals of chalky, yet mushy poison if you ask me). Anyway then he was watching some show with a chili contest, or cooking show, or drunks at a tailgate party, no matter, and they said orignially chili didn't have beans. My point? I'm always right! No, well true, but just because the general populous is doing it one way.(it can give you I mean)...doesn't mean it is the right way, or your way is the wrong way... Wow NOW who needs sleep?

      Love Ya More my sickly friend...


  18. Hi Willie -
    Yes, exactly - what's right for us in our relationships may not be right for someone else. I always issue my disclaimer, lol, 'this works for us, your mileage may vary', cause while I may want to share something, I don't want it to sound like advice. We are all unique.

    And as Lillie said, Ward & I say all the time, it is a journey, not a destination. I had a friend that always said - well it's easy for you, you're there. Well no, no we're not. We work hard each and every day to keep our relationship fresh and vital, and to keep the other as our focus and knowing how very much they mean. When you stop trying, when you believe you have arrived, your relationship is at risk. So while it may get easier, it will never be easy, and I don't think necessarily that it will.

    Ward and I talk all the time about the dangers of being too formulaic, then the whole dynamic loses it's impetus and power, because you're not being you as a couple, you're trying to fit yourself in someone else's form.

    1. Yes I have been in a 'comfortable' relationship. I don't mean that we are not comfortable with each others presence now. I mean stagnant, taken for granted- that the other will be home, that everything is the same day in day out..Like droans. No growth required because we are 'comfortable'. Comfortable doesn't always mean happy though. At least it didn't for me, and Barney is now realising that it didn't for him either. Your relationship needs to constantly evolve, because I believe as individuals you have to constantly evolve to be happy. Why would a relationship be any different? Not that the ttwd is the evolution. In our case is was the catalyst for our emotional evolution, and growth that gave us a new comfort in each other, in each others arms. A rejuvinated love- but that doesn't mean it would do the same for the people next door.

      Thanks as always for stopping by June!

  19. I think that we all read each others blogs to be close to people, to learn things about others. Some things we could use in our own marriages, some we know may not work. It helps me to feel less alone in the struggle to make my marriage be the best it can be. I may not do things the way others do, but all I can share is my experience. All you can do is share yours and I think there is something beautiful in the sharing. If we can lift up those around us while we are at it, or make them feel better because they aren't the only "loony" around, then I think that is something special:) Then again, I have had two glasses of wine...maybe I just need to go to bed. I am getting a little sappy. Thanks Willie for being make me feel like I am not alone in the journey.

    1. Well Bea, if you need Willie to be weepy at times so you are not alone...fear not. I swear I should change my profile picture to the Weepy Willie Tree!

      It is so hard to explain to people who don't do ttwd that you can be so weepy, yet so happy. That even though at the moment you feel like a rung out dish rag, that under that you can still feel the contentment of your relationship. The inner strength that it gives you. That you know it will push itself back up to the surface again, provided you don't stuff some other emotion on top of it. Just let the weepy run its course.

      How's that for rambling, and I swear I haven't had a drop of booze since Saturday!

      Hope you're still enjoying your high from the weekend! Yup this comment section is all about the highs!

      Big Hugs


  20. Yeah Lucy What the heck? Sheesh...tell Ryan you guys need another laptop...I'm kidding of course! Don't TELL him anything...

    I like your cold induced chili analogy. Personally I hate beans in mine, Barney used to tell me it is not chili without beans ( little red ovals of chalky, yet mushy poison if you ask me). Anyway then he was watching some show with a chili contest, or cooking show, or drunks at a tailgate party, no matter, and they said orignially chili didn't have beans. My point? I'm always right! No, well true, but just because the general populous is doing it one way.(it can give you I mean)...doesn't mean it is the right way, or your way is the wrong way... Wow NOW who needs sleep?

    Love Ya More my sickly friend...


  21. You darling, honest, caring girl...have I told you as a newbie to this lifestyle myself how invaluable you have already become to me? How lucky I feel that we have so quickly become friends? Thank you for this post, your willingness to talk through all of this, and for sharing your journey.

  22. Elisa!

    Are you trying to bring about Weepy Willie again?

    It is I that am happy that we have found each other! Ttwd is challenging, so to be able to commiserate with someone else in the 'hurry up and wait' stage has been a fantastic gift. Our friendship means so much to me already.
    When I am unsure about posting in the future, I am going to reread your overly kind words.
    Now, onto other serious matters, when are WE going to see some of those posts you wrote on your have a world of wonderful people here you will be so happy to befriend!
    Big old Canadian Smooches coming you way!

  23. Good morning Willie, excellent post, well said.

    Your are absolutely right, there is magic formula for ttwd that you can apply to a marriage and bob's your uncle. It is very much a journey, not a destination.

    Learning how others approach it can be helpful to give you some ideas of what may or may not work for you. However, what is right for one relationship may not be right for another. Each couple really has to find out what is right for them. Take the ideas that may work for your relationship and toss the rest as Dana said.

    As for being emotionally looney - ttwd, in my humble opinion, deepens our emotional responses and makes us feel far more vulnerable. But the benefits is brings to the relationship, the closeness and intimacy are amazing.

  24. Good Evening Roz!

    I hope people don't skip over the comment portion of my blog (Barney used to do that before he was 'informed') as the information and advice here far exceeds that of the original posts!

    Nighty night Scrappy!

    Mighty Mouth!

  25. P.S. The Bob's your Uncle comment always makes me laugh because well Bob is my uncle! lol

    1. Lol Actually, Bob is my uncle too - no seriously he is! seems everyone has an uncle Bob lol

      I thought your post was brilliant, you explained beautifully how ttwd looks and feels for you, and that's the best advice any of us can give.

      Awe Smooches back at ya Mighty!