Thursday, December 27, 2012

Am I Cut Out for This?

Let's see where this takes us shall we? Christmas prep wrap up.  How has my December been going ?  Well



Plus

Plus

Equals

Now this shouldn't be a problem right?  After all we have 'started' ttwd.  This is a tool in our marriage to eradicate things that might cause issues in our relationship.  Barney had already mentioned during our last maintenance session ( over a week ago btw) that we were going to have a reminder session prior to the 'big day' to help keep me in the right mind set.  Whoo Hoo!




Oh, but sorry it didn't quite happen that way.  There was LOTS of talk about punishment, in a joking manner, but nothing that amounted to anything.

I have to admit, I was a pretty horrible person at times.  Once again, there was no yelling or throwing things....but here are some more 'characters' to add to your Venn Diagram of Willie's Personalities




Some examples?  Sure what the heck...Well the day before Christmas Eve, Barney mentioned something about egg salad sandwiches.  In the past I have always made them up so that on Christmas Day we can just grab and eat breakfast/brunch whatever. Only Barney and I are the only ones that like them.  The kids were going to ( happily ) eat Cat's Christmas Birthday Cake all day.  I had said that I wasn't going to do them this year.  As some of you know, I am not huge on the old eating thing, and this was just another pain in the bum thing to do. Barney had commented on how he really likes them on Christmas day...I wasn't budging.  He then said he'd do it- it was okay.  Flash forward to ME doing it...cutting my freaking thumb in the process not once but TWICE on stupid eggs shells- what can I say, I bring klutziness to a whole new level over here. As that 'glorious' smell of hard boiled eggs wafted through our shoebox,  little pieces of shells covered the kitchen counter,  Barney walked into the kitchen.

" What are you doing ?"


I had to use Simon as an example of my facial expression- although his is way more 'tame' than mine was.

While chatting with another Dd wife, she mentioned that she had been, let's say 'reset' twice already since the holidays started.  Barney's response

" Well you are at LEAST two behind"

Nice-  so I made sport of him with our personal banker the day prior?.  He was laughing too...even when I threaten to stab him in the leg with a pen.  Sheeesh...picky picky.

So many incidents like this  repeated themselves.  I'll give you one more example of how 'wonderful' I was and then move on ....

 I needed to go into the room where Barney was to take care of something ASAP.  I said

" Um, don't look out from where you are because you may see more than you ever wanted to.  Somethings can't be unseen"

Barney ( chuckling) " Did you grow a penis ?"

W- " Well someone has to have one in this relationship"....laughing

B- " ...that's 3 "

W- " Yeah, yeah"

Move along to Christmas Day, after all the gifts are open, the Heirs to the Throne are busy and it is mad dash time to get ready for dinner for 12 in the shoebox.  Normally I would have had more things done ahead of time than I did this year.  For whatever reason that didn't happen.  Well procrastination was the reason.  Barney stepped up and well....became my wife...I became HoH basically...YUP roll reversal- but not really. Back to the way it has always been. With the exception that this year, Barney had more to do than in past years.  Was I stressed that day?  Not too much.. I basically didn't care.  Which in itself is odd, because I am a little OCD with things.  This time I kept telling myself that our company was coming to see us, not the dog hair that may or may not be in the corner of the room.  I know this to be true, but mostly I didn't have it in me to care.

I pointed out to Barney that this year I didn't have nearly enough done before hand.  I normally like to enjoy Christmas Eve with very little to do.  I teased him that it was his fault for not keeping his wife in line.  His response

" Hey now.  That's not fair"



Dinner turned out great.  We played games after dinner with our guests that resulted in tears of laughter.  This one game we played is truly awful...lol.  After our initial company left, I collapsed into bed.  Barney stayed up for a while to tidy up.  Fortunately for him our neighbour Gazoo stopped by to keep him company.

All holiday season we have been falling into bed.  I wouldn't say the Great Divide is back, but there is definitely a slight crevice there.  I haven't been laying my head on his chest, and he hasn't been the human octopus when I roll off of it.

Around 3 am I woke up with wicked heartburn.  I blame all the 'glasses of submission'  oh by the way           RED ALERT if you have an HoH who takes action


Where was I before my public service announcement ?...oh yes heartburn....heartburn that after Tums turned to heartache.

 As I lay on my couch, I thought about myself and ttwd.  I began to think that we or more precisely I am not cut out for this.  Over the past 3 months when I have complained commented on Barney not taking the HoH position I had 'given' him, I have had comments on my blog

It took _________ 3 months before he did anything.  Hang in there and try to stay submissive

It takes them a long time to get comfortable with this

It goes against everything they have ever known to be right

The thing is maybe I am not cut out to be submissive ( or insert whatever term you'd like to use here).  Maybe my core is  bitchy, controlling, bulldozing, OCD girl.


I mean how can someone else be submissive without 'help' for 3 months...and I can't last a week? And why?  because of the holidays?  Seriously?  I can do this 'stuff' in my sleep.  There is NO reason to get controlling.  It works out.  It always does.  Yet there we were back in our old roles again.

I began thinking as I was laying there that this was almost like some sort of game.  We go about our daily lives, not too much changing.  Maintenance day arrives, I get spanked. I'm good for a day or so, and back to our lives we go again...repeat.

This time my thought process was centered on me.  Why can't I 'get' this?  Why do I need Barney to help me be a decent human being?  Seriously, I don't talk to okay many others the way I talk to him.  He CERTAINLY would NEVER  tease me the way I teased him over the holidays...NEVER.  I see other husbands torment their wives and I think, " what a jerk" but I don't even notice if / when the women do that to their husbands.

A wise 'old' HoH talked to Barney once about how he perceived he was treated by me.  He basically said,

 'Maybe she doesn't disrespect you- and that is great, or maybe she does, and has been doing it for so long that you don't even realize it anymore' <- as you can probably guess, he said it way better then that, but you get the point. 

 It is true. I do not give my husband the same courtesy I give others.  I mentioned before about the not yelling and throwing things, I did this because that would be something more concrete for Barney to see a change in.  He has in the past mentioned how I am not like ______ when he reads a blog post- something someone did that was blatantly obvious. Now though,  I do actually believe he is beginning to realize what the other HoH had told him months ago to be true. 

My issue with myself is, if I want this so badly, why am I not doing something about it ?-  Changing my attitude so that Barney's life has been changed for the better, therefore he can recognize when I slip up or fall back into my role.  I haven't done a great deal of that as of late.  I can see how it affects our relationship.  There is not many snuggles in the kitchen anymore, we don't watch t.v. together.  We are leading our separate lives again with maintenance thrown in.  

I think if is far too easy to point the finger at the newly appointed HoH and say that he is not leading and therefore we are not following but I refer you to this

Did my late night Negative Nellie voice give me an epiphany?  If it did, I have yet to change.  Now I must admit I have been sick the past few days, and dead on my feet- not too mention not mentally with it, so please accept my apologies if this post doesn't flow.

What I did realize is my part in all this.  ( Okay maybe again ) . I suppose I could take comfort in knowing that I felt bad about how I behaved towards Barney.  I wouldn't have given it another thought before.  I also know that I don't WANT to be bitchy, controlling, bulldozing, OCD girl.  For those 10 minutes back in October when I was submissive, I loved the weightlessness of it !  I loved how pretty I felt.  How soft.  How loved.  

Before you start, I know I am loved.  Barney still hugs me and tells me so, but some days I certainly don't feel worthy of it.  I don't WANT to be loved - or so I tell myself.  I know what I am supposed to do.  Yet I don't.  I let my stubborn pride get in the way of what is beneficial for us.  Pride = selfishness.  That is not conducive to a loving relationship.  One needs to put the other first.  Make them a priority in their lives.  I went from anticipating his needs, to anticipating and ignoring...to not even looking for them anymore until after the fact.  I'm afraid the next step is not bothering to reflect on this behaviour and then I will truly have come full circle again.  Once that happens....I'm not sure.

I'm desperately hoping that it is the holidays, the uncertainty of things, this stupid cold that has knocked my on my butt  and the physical disconnect that Mother Nature was so kind to provide, has sent me down one fork in the road and Barney down the other.  I do know that I can't sit back and hope things will get better.  I have to make some sort of first move, because no one wants to lead someone who refuses to follow. 

41 comments:

  1. Hiya Willie,
    You mentioned Maintenance. Maintenance Spankings are to maintain or reaffirm the positive aspects. If they work, wonderful, if not then a discussion would be needed to communicate on the beneficial aspects of using Maintenance Spanking as a tool. When Maintenance Spanking is used, discussion of what is being maintained before each session is needed. I would ask if there are scheduled Sit Down Discussions twice a week. They're much more important early on in the DD dynamic. Other tools and practices will then stem from those discussions. Discussing the time in October, and how to maintain the happy tranquility that came from that time, and how to create Oct into the future might be a beneficial starting point. Just my penny and a half :)
    Hope you're having a good holiday season,
    MrBB

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  2. Hey B

    I am sick and sore all over. I have the mind capacity of a flea at the moment, so forgive me if this doesn't make sense.
    We talk a lot before maintenance. The discussions throughout the week lack severely in my personal opinion- which led me to my comment about maintenance..then life as we know it...then maintenance again. The maintenance thing was most effective in removing anxiety the last time, and as a reset. That was the first time I would deem it effective for me.

    Barney's willingness to mention things this past week should not be overlooked. It is progress...I believe.

    As for October. I am not entirely sure how to answer that. I suppose it is because I was 'doing it on my own' with no expectations of help. I found the submissiveness within myself, and it wasn't difficult. Now it is increasingly more challenging, for whatever reason to do it alone.

    I hope this holiday season finds you well. All the best in 2013
    Willie

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  3. Your comment about "doing ig on my own" with no expectations of help, means you can do it IF YOU WANT TO do it. Those are the key words, IF YOU WANT, everything else stems from there.

    Hope you feel better soon.

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  4. I think sometimes even though we want to be submissive, we fight it because it's not something that comes naturally to us. After all, we're trying to overcome the person we've been for years. It doesn't come easily.

    It doesn't come easily for the guys either. Sure there's a rare natural head of household, but most the time it's just a guy stumbling around as blindly as his wife trying to figure things out. So you experiment to see what works, keep what works, toss what doesn't and keep trying in the hopes that you'll eventually get it right.

    I can occasionally put myself in the right frame of mind, but it takes work. It's trial and error and most of the time I manage to do it by myself, it's by accident. More often than not, it's Steve that puts me there. When he shows his dominance, either in words, tone or actions, it makes it easier for me to find that submissiveness. We're a little over six months now and we're both just figuring that out.

    Hope you feel better soon.

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    1. I am feeling better today, thanks Dana

      We finally managed to talk a bit today. We discussed the nurturing of the submissive state- not just through discipline ( ie tone, words )but positive reinforcement as well. Obviously the physical is more prominent when the submission is, but the smaller acts of positive too.

      Delete
  5. Hiya Willikins, my thoughtful, ruminating, mucusy friend.

    I may be reading between the lines here too much but I'm wondering if what you are missing most from those October days are the love, the safety...essentially that feeling of being cherished. Barney responded to your submission and it really touched you deeply. As it is with most of us who take ttwd at a serious level in committed relationship, it's not so much about the spanking but the surrounding emotions it pulls up in us. You felt very respectful for a time.

    I hear the questions you are asking yourself and they are good and valid, but I think the biggest one that you brought up that really deserves attention is thinking through what you said in your second to last paragraph. Barney doesn't love you b/c you deserve or are worthy of being loved. He loves you so much that I'd guess that the idea that you might feel unworthy of it may worry him a bit. This is the yin and yang of ttwd and it gets deep. He gets to love you b/c of the very essence of who you are, no matter how you are acting. In turn, as our men show that love, it's like we almost can't help but be more respectful. We see them with new eyes.

    You two got glimpses of all these things and have delved into them, but life and colds, work and kids all get in the way. You are also right, it's no fun for a new leader to lead someone who is only sort following with wisecracks and stabbing pens coming out left and right. If it makes you feel any better at all, last Christmas I called MM my "manslave" in jest in front of my niece and sister in law. Seriously.

    For what it matters, I do think you are cut out for this but you are also both finding out how tough it is to do a full role reversal. Old habits die hard and old ways are so much more comfortable than new ones. The next time Barney makes a move to lead, no matter how small it is, just take that first step again, grab his hand, bite your tongue if needed and go with him wherever he's leading.

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    1. Yes I am missing those days from October very much Susie. I don't care if Barney ever spanks me again...it is just that feeling I want back--if ttwd is what it takes, then I have to figure out how to 'fix' this.

      Delete
    2. Your comment came up in our discussion today. We talked about stepping up and stepping back. How when things get out of whack we revert back to our old ways. For B that meant removing things that he thinks adds to my stress- so he began to do more things around the house to help alleviate some of my triggers. He now realizes that was our old way of doing things and while things got done, things were not resolved.

      There was also the realization that ttwd brings the closeness that we want. That we have been moving silently apart and that is in part to both of us not living up to our end of the bargain. As we know, it is a snowball effect. I step up, he steps back, I get more aggressive, he decides its not working...

      As for the Sassiness, out of all the incidents I cited, and more that came to mind, there was only one thing he found disrespectful-something I didn't even remember. The rest he just knew was all in fun. He did add that perhaps in the future, he'll see things differently- the way I see them, but at the moment it is not an issue for him.

      Delete
  6. Wow Willie, I think you are on the right path and I know others have said they have had to be the first one to step up and give submission freely in order for there to be progress - that's hard to do for anyone I think.

    Would he ever agree to adding in and following through with a rule, just one, besides maintenance?

    Something to hold you two together in between maintenance?

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    1. Hi Emi

      We talked it out. Yes I have been stepping up in the take charge type areas, which is how Christmas actually has gone in years past here. Naturally then he stepped back. Perhaps someone with more HoH experience would have not moved an inch and made me move back again, but we are learning.

      We talked about heading it off at the pass (hopefully) next time...but eventually.

      Delete
  7. Willie! I'm emailing you right now! Colds are pigs and should be outlawed! They have wreaked havoc in this household as well! I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs because I know just how you feel! In fact, my arms are long enough to go around you both! This is what friends are for! Mr BB is lovely and gave me some great advice when I needed it too. Ami

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    1. I did so enjoy your email Ami. Thank you so much for taking the time :)

      We are plugging along. Once again it is the communication above all else that will allow this to flourish into something we both need/want.

      Barney actually thought Christmas went off with no much of a hitch this year...LOL...see how communication is important!

      Love Willie

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  8. Dear Willie
    i absolutely adore your blog.
    With all the holiday guests, I haven't had much time to myself -
    which totally puts me in a really bad mood.
    thankfully they're gone and your blog has lifted my spirits!
    Keep up the great work.

    Happy New Year Hon!
    Hugs
    Jack's Jill

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    1. Aw, thanks so much Jill

      I'm not sure how my blog lifted your spirits...but I'll take the compliment anyway!
      Happy New Year to you too!

      Huggin' Back
      Willie

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  9. Hey Willie,

    This post sounds strangely familiar. Bucko and I are still not back to our old normal. I still feel like I'm a little bit of Bitchy controlling OCD girl. I wish I had great advice for you, but I don't. If you figure anything out feel free to share it with me. Let me know if you need to talk. Here's hoping the new year is better.

    Love,
    TL

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    1. Advice? Get sick. Yup nothing like a virus to take the wind out of your sails. Barney was as sweet as sweet could be, and I NEEDED him. Not to wait on me hand and foot, I needed comfort.

      This morning when I was healthier and fighting with government offices and red tape (grrrrrrrrrr) she was back! I tried very much though to concentrate my anger on the issue not the man :)

      It is a learning curve. When it is right it is so right, when it is off it seems to take so long to get right again. My theory? That we lived a certain way for so long that it is too easy to get knocked back into that mindset, and so difficult to embrace the new mindset again, even when the issues that knocked us back are resolved. I'm hoping the longer we do ttwd the shorter the turn around time will be.

      Delete
  10. Willie dear - the Wicked Witch aka Mother Nature decided to come torment you plus you are sick which makes her visit even worse. All of this impacts your mindset and your ability to be rational. ;) Stop with all the unproductive thinking, reflecting, blaming yourself, name calling! Concentrate on dealing with WW and getting yourself better. Once you are well and the WW has headed on down the road, then re-read this post, take a look at where things really are and where they need to go. I think you will find things look a bit different or at least the solution looks a bit different. Take care of yourself sweetie.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hahaahaa..
      Cat. Cat. Cat. I probably could have almost written your comment for you after I wrote my post. I knew you were going to give me H E double hockey sticks.

      AND once again you are right ( BTW have I told you how annoying that is? *wink*).
      Barney said the same thing..." You are too hard on yourself" . He didn't see most of this as an issue at all. He actually thought that Christmas was relatively stress free compared to other years.

      We talked and there are a few slight adjustments to our personal mindsets that need to happen, but nothing that is not doable.

      I'll take the blessings, but you might want to hold off on the hug for a few more days to be safe.

      My Love
      Willie

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  11. PMS sucks. Colds suck. Stress sucks. All of them together: Yikes! I hope this week goes by quickly for you...by next week, I hope things are looking brighter. Reach out, ask for help, ask for time (ie movie together), and picture your happy place often in the next few days (that awesome fireplace with two wine glasses:)) Oh and eat chocolate...Love you!!
    Bea

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    1. Love you too Bea!

      For once I'll be happy when the holidays are over. Having people around constantly really shakes up ttwd. Odd- more adjustments to get used to I guess.

      Willie

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  12. Wilma dear, if I understood anything at all about ttwd I probably would give you great advice. But since I don't understand, I cannot do anything else, but put myself in Barney's place and think: what should I do.
    I think, that I would do about the same. Wait for the submissive Wilma to come forward and then start acting as a HoH. I would never ever try to spank the one I love into submission. I think Barney has seen that Wilma back in October, and now just waits for her to reappear. He mentions the spankings that you deserve, but without submissive Wilma in the room, there's not a chance that those spankings will be given.
    But now that you've written it all out in this blogpost, aren't you halfway there?
    Hugs,
    Bas

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    1. I'm not sure why he didn't comment himself last night Bas, but Barney liked your comment. Or so he told me today in our discussion. He also said he MEANT to comment ( welcome to my world...just sayin' )

      Willie

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  13. I'm sorry for all of your confusion and angst. I do think that maybe he doesn't recognize what YOU know is disrespect. He has accepted it as the norm, perhaps?

    Maybe the two of you need to just focus on ONE thing, perhaps interrupting, or name calling, or whatever you TRULY wish to change about how you are treating him. Write it down. Go over it at maintenance time, and agree on a set consequence. Men like concrete steps of action. Plan on exactly how he will deal with it, but then...let him deal with it. Do your best not to be trying to "spur" him into action.

    Instead of thinking about him lack of hoh-ness, focus on how YOU feel when you are your soft submissive self. Draw yourself another Venn Diagram, and write within it all of those "DEEP" feelings that you sense are near the surface when you are submissive Wilma.

    Do it ONLY because you looooove those feelings. Its like getting a new sassy pedicure. You do it because you like looking at it, you like how pretty your feet look. Take steps of submissiveness because you LOVE that side of you.

    (Please ignore who is giving you this advice and just pretend its somebody who really does these things, ok? LOL)

    Email me anytime. I'll help if I can!

    Stormy

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    1. You hit the nail on the head Stormy...or well at least maimed the head anyway.

      He doesn't see it as disrespectful- he DID pinpoint one thing. He mentioned that not long after though he forgot about- until my post ( um yay Me?). At the moment Barney is of the mindset that I am too hard on myself and doesn't see many issues in the past week's behaviour.

      During our discussion today, we hammered out a few things- we shall see if they actually come into play.

      I will try my best to hold on to those feelings I so enjoy and bring them forth into everything I do in hopes that they will spur me into positive action.

      I very rarely consider the source-just the information- I hope others do the same, because I spew advice all over Blog land, yet I can't seem to take my own!

      Like I said, thanks Coach, you have the ability to see the entire field and that is what is more important to helping the player, not how well you can 'play'
      Your time means so much Stormy.
      Thank You!
      Willie

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  14. So sorry. Been there, had those feelings. They're awful. You do have an interesting perspective though! You can't less someone who is reluctant to follow. But, I also hate the threats. My fireman tends to do that, too.
    Hugs. Hope you feel better soon!

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    1. Thanks Elle

      Turns out Barney was merely teasing with the threats. What I saw as potentially damaging ( although at the time I meant no malice behind my words) he saw them for their intent- playful teasing. As he put it

      " I am more secure in myself than that. I know that you were only playing around. It is going to take more then that to damage our relationship"

      I pointed out to him that yes it was only in jest, but he would never jest like that. Which is true, and he thought about that for a while :)

      I am feeling a lot better today. I'm not at 100% but much better - Thank you
      Willie

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  15. Sorry I can't spend more time with you on this. Hubby leaving tomorrow.
    If you truly feel that you have behaved badly, apologize. Itemize everything you think you did wrong and apologize. It will start a conversation and you can discuss what his impressions were of the behaviors. He may have a different interpretation. But I agree with Cat, wait until you are better, reread this post, all the comments and see if you still feel this way.
    Love and hugs and hope you feel better soon,
    BB

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    1. Awwwwwww B.B. thanks for taking the time

      I hope your time apart goes by quickly, and it is not too difficult a trip for your hubby.

      We talked and he didn't see too much 'wrong' with the situation. Like I've already mentioned he thinks I'm too hard on myself. We differ there too :)

      Thanks for the lovin' and Hugs.
      As sick as I have been, I'm still here for you in the next while, while you are alone- well and even after that (wink)
      Willie

      Delete
  16. Hey Willie, In all my wisdom I can say this:

    Hugs :)

    And that is about it, other than the advice above is really good, and I might pinch some of the above advice myself :)

    hugs

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    1. Pinch away!

      You might want to hold off on the hugs for a few days...the last thing you need is my illness to add to the fun you're having down under...Um in Australia people! ( I feel I have to say that, ya know 'cause of Emma)

      Love Willie

      Delete
  17. Hey! where did you get that picture of me..bitchy, controlling, bulldozing, OCD girl? Lol!

    As you know I've been feeling this same way lately. We are talking about it so at least that's a step forward.

    I think you've been given some great advice by Susie and Stormy. Maybe Barney (and John) are waiting to see that we are taking this seriously by our actions. In the meantime find that submissive within because she makes you a happier person.

    Hugs!

    P

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    1. Hey P!

      Yes I do know we are going through the same thing...as are many others, that is why I thought I should share- You know I normally suffer in silence...bwahahaha!

      I did receive some fantastic advice here. Barney was quite surprised by the contents of my post this time. Clearly we need to continue to work on our communication skills. LIFE definitely played a part in our breakdown of communication this past 2 weeks. We are aiming to change that starting today.

      I never thought I'd say it, but submissive me is a happy me for sure!

      We'll all get through this, I have no doubt. Where there is a will there is a way- not too mention all the support we have from some truly amazing people, how can we fail?

      Willie

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  18. Hey there friend :)

    I have to agree with what Susie said. Ttwd is so much deeper than the punishment....as you well know. The closeness....the feeling cherished....all of that is such an integral part of this. It struck me as I read what she wrote that THAT is what has been my problem this holiday season....our schedule has been all thrown off....and in our hustle and bustle....I miss him loving me....if that makes sense.

    As for are you cut out for this? I vote absolutely. I wish to God I would have taken better notes in those first three months of Dd at our house. I guarantee you I was a hot mess. I think what you are talking about and feeling is so normal....and so much a part of what all of us have felt from time to time. There is no quick fix or short cut in this whole process. It is frustrating....and raw...emotional, but there is no other way. I know I tell you that I understand and to be patient, but sometimes that is all that I have. If you would have been a fly on the wall at the beginning of many of our relationships, I think you would see a lot of similarity in what you are experiencing.

    Keep writing...keep talking to Barney....keep asking for help if you need it. I believe in you two. I believe in Barney's love for you. And yes, I believe you are cut out for this.....

    Love ya much.....

    ~Lucy

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    1. What Susie said is so true. The feelings in October were submissiveness, an instinctual desire to be so, because Barney's reaction to me made me feel cherished and loved. Knowing you are loved and feeling it can be two completely different things. The positive definitely snowballs and affects both partners.

      Unfortunately sometimes a pebble upsets the apple cart, and we are too busy trying to figure out what that pebble is as opposed to just putting the apples, bruised and all back in the cart and carrying on-trying to avoid NEW pebbles-the last one's damage has already been done. We need to learn and move on. Sometimes I think we have a tendency to focus on the negative feelings and not move forward.

      I hope to continue this adventure with Barney. At the moment that is our decided plan.

      Love you back
      Willie

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  19. Willie, you have brought me out of my blogger hibenation. I feel for you my friend. I do. But, no more self doub, ok? Yov are cut out for ttwd. I think the season, cold and mother nature have conspired. Submission is not easy, it is not natural to us. I understand you wanting those feelings you had in Oct back. I do too. I dont't think we have fully regained those earlier feelings of closeness. Susie is right, ttwd is so much deeper than spanking.

    You recognise what you want to change and that is half the battle.

    Such great advice from Susie, Stormy and Cat. I wish I could add more now but am here to email. Bas also makes a good point. So much of ttwd is 'feeding off each other'. The more submissiveness you show, the more dominance Barney will show.

    Hang in there, you have got this!

    Love and hugs
    Roz

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    1. Well I guess my blog post is a win win...great advice and you coming back Roz!

      Thank God ttwd isn't all about spanking or we'd have been out a long time ago...lol

      We both talked about what we needed from each other today. There was no finger pointing ( and for the record it is usually pointing at ourselves) just steps to solutions. Or so we hope.

      As I said, Barney said he was surprised by my post this time. I asked him if he noticed we were growing apart this past week, to which he replied yes. That is a good thing, I think. Um, that he recognized it. We are actively going to do our best to help each other through our own actions.

      Being sick actually broke down a few walls. lol...He also wanted me to point out that I have been actively taking him into consideration more times than not ( even in my illness ) I've been a good little 'Martha Stewart" so there that is done :)

      Thanks for the encouragement and friendship Roz.

      Love back at ya!

      Willie

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  20. HI everyone!

    I promise, promise, promise, I'll respond to each one of your comments soon. So far today I feel so much better than yesterday. Thank you for your well wishes concerning my health. As I mentioned on Ana's Thankfulness Post yesterday, I am very fortunate to be healthy enough to be able to find a cold annoying.

    I wanted to collectively thank everyone for taking time out of your holidays to comment on my ramblings, ( again I will speak with each of you hopefully later today ).

    A quick (very quick) update. Barney read my blog last night. We didn't talk much about it. During one of the two hours I was wandering around the house, he stuck pretty close- lots of bum patting...lol. Anyway, at one point he said

    " You are in trouble, you know?"

    " I am? But wait. I'vebeengood. I'vebeensickfor2dayshowcanIbeintrouble?" Yes it literally all came out in one big word...lol.

    " You have been far too hard on yourself " AND then we got interupted. Ah life in a shoe box with 3 boys mooching around for food!

    I'm not sure how much time we are going to have to talk today as we are getting our passports...oh yes my friends be very afraid! But as soon as I can, I'll let my extended family know where we are at.

    Much MUCH LOVE and such thanks to all of you!

    Willie

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  21. I agree with Barney. You are pretty hard on yourself, dear.

    Take heart and focus on what is going well in your relationship. Start there. The rest will fall into place. It may not be exactly what you want, but it will be right for both of you.

    And yes, colds suck.

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  22. Thanks Ana

    Yes, Barney *might* be right..guess that is why he is the HoH.

    We've talked and things are looking brighter again. Like I said above, he really didn't see (too) much wrong with the week. After our discussion, he realized maybe a few things were borderline- and in time those things may change their status :)

    As for exactly what I want- that would be nice to know! lol

    The cold seems to be leaving, if only the malaise would join it!

    Willie

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  23. I also think you are way too hard on yourself! I know how kind and loving you are with your family. You put them first. When everything works it's like a well oiled machine.... Right? We have stresses that interfere with our best intensions, but, we do better as soon as we can!
    Barney is actually right on the money, he knows your heart.
    The other stuff you want to be will happen!

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