Now this shouldn't be a problem right? After all we have 'started' ttwd. This is a tool in our marriage to eradicate things that might cause issues in our relationship. Barney had already mentioned during our last maintenance session ( over a week ago btw) that we were going to have a reminder session prior to the 'big day' to help keep me in the right mind set. Whoo Hoo!
Oh, but sorry it didn't quite happen that way. There was LOTS of talk about punishment, in a joking manner, but nothing that amounted to anything.
I have to admit, I was a pretty horrible person at times. Once again, there was no yelling or throwing things....but here are some more 'characters' to add to your Venn Diagram of Willie's Personalities
Some examples? Sure what the heck...Well the day before Christmas Eve, Barney mentioned something about egg salad sandwiches. In the past I have always made them up so that on Christmas Day we can just grab and eat breakfast/brunch whatever. Only Barney and I are the only ones that like them. The kids were going to ( happily ) eat Cat's Christmas Birthday Cake all day. I had said that I wasn't going to do them this year. As some of you know, I am not huge on the old eating thing, and this was just another pain in the bum thing to do. Barney had commented on how he really likes them on Christmas day...I wasn't budging. He then said he'd do it- it was okay. Flash forward to ME doing it...cutting my freaking thumb in the process not once but TWICE on stupid eggs shells- what can I say, I bring klutziness to a whole new level over here. As that 'glorious' smell of hard boiled eggs wafted through our shoebox, little pieces of shells covered the kitchen counter, Barney walked into the kitchen.
" What are you doing ?"
I had to use Simon as an example of my facial expression- although his is way more 'tame' than mine was.
While chatting with another Dd wife, she mentioned that she had been, let's say 'reset' twice already since the holidays started. Barney's response
" Well you are at LEAST two behind"
Nice- so I made sport of him with our personal banker the day prior?. He was laughing too...even when I threaten to stab him in the leg with a pen. Sheeesh...picky picky.
So many incidents like this repeated themselves. I'll give you one more example of how 'wonderful' I was and then move on ....
I needed to go into the room where Barney was to take care of something ASAP. I said
" Um, don't look out from where you are because you may see more than you ever wanted to. Somethings can't be unseen"
Barney ( chuckling) " Did you grow a penis ?"
W- " Well someone has to have one in this relationship"....laughing
B- " ...that's 3 "
W- " Yeah, yeah"
Move along to Christmas Day, after all the gifts are open, the Heirs to the Throne are busy and it is mad dash time to get ready for dinner for 12 in the shoebox. Normally I would have had more things done ahead of time than I did this year. For whatever reason that didn't happen. Well procrastination was the reason. Barney stepped up and well....became my wife...I became HoH basically...YUP roll reversal- but not really. Back to the way it has always been. With the exception that this year, Barney had more to do than in past years. Was I stressed that day? Not too much.. I basically didn't care. Which in itself is odd, because I am a little OCD with things. This time I kept telling myself that our company was coming to see us, not the dog hair that may or may not be in the corner of the room. I know this to be true, but mostly I didn't have it in me to care.
I pointed out to Barney that this year I didn't have nearly enough done before hand. I normally like to enjoy Christmas Eve with very little to do. I teased him that it was his fault for not keeping his wife in line. His response
" Hey now. That's not fair"
Dinner turned out great. We played games after dinner with our guests that resulted in tears of laughter. This one game we played is truly awful...lol. After our initial company left, I collapsed into bed. Barney stayed up for a while to tidy up. Fortunately for him our neighbour Gazoo stopped by to keep him company.
All holiday season we have been falling into bed. I wouldn't say the Great Divide is back, but there is definitely a slight crevice there. I haven't been laying my head on his chest, and he hasn't been the human octopus when I roll off of it.
Around 3 am I woke up with wicked heartburn. I blame all the 'glasses of submission' oh by the way RED ALERT if you have an HoH who takes action
As I lay on my couch, I thought about myself and ttwd. I began to think that we or more precisely I am not cut out for this. Over the past 3 months when I have
It took _________ 3 months before he did anything. Hang in there and try to stay submissive
It takes them a long time to get comfortable with this
The thing is maybe I am not cut out to be submissive ( or insert whatever term you'd like to use here). Maybe my core is bitchy, controlling, bulldozing, OCD girl.
I mean how can someone else be submissive without 'help' for 3 months...and I can't last a week? And why? because of the holidays? Seriously? I can do this 'stuff' in my sleep. There is NO reason to get controlling. It works out. It always does. Yet there we were back in our old roles again.
I began thinking as I was laying there that this was almost like some sort of game. We go about our daily lives, not too much changing. Maintenance day arrives, I get spanked. I'm good for a day or so, and back to our lives we go again...repeat.
This time my thought process was centered on me. Why can't I 'get' this? Why do I need Barney to help me be a decent human being? Seriously, I don't talk to
A wise 'old' HoH talked to Barney once about how he perceived he was treated by me. He basically said,
'Maybe she doesn't disrespect you- and that is great, or maybe she does, and has been doing it for so long that you don't even realize it anymore' <- as you can probably guess, he said it way better then that, but you get the point.
It is true. I do not give my husband the same courtesy I give others. I mentioned before about the not yelling and throwing things, I did this because that would be something more concrete for Barney to see a change in. He has in the past mentioned how I am not like ______ when he reads a blog post- something someone did that was blatantly obvious. Now though, I do actually believe he is beginning to realize what the other HoH had told him months ago to be true.
My issue with myself is, if I want this so badly, why am I not doing something about it ?- Changing my attitude so that Barney's life has been changed for the better, therefore he can recognize when I slip up or fall back into my role. I haven't done a great deal of that as of late. I can see how it affects our relationship. There is not many snuggles in the kitchen anymore, we don't watch t.v. together. We are leading our separate lives again with maintenance thrown in.
I think if is far too easy to point the finger at the newly appointed HoH and say that he is not leading and therefore we are not following but I refer you to this
Did my late night Negative Nellie voice give me an epiphany? If it did, I have yet to change. Now I must admit I have been sick the past few days, and dead on my feet- not too mention not mentally with it, so please accept my apologies if this post doesn't flow.
What I did realize is my part in all this. ( Okay maybe again ) . I suppose I could take comfort in knowing that I felt bad about how I behaved towards Barney. I wouldn't have given it another thought before. I also know that I don't WANT to be bitchy, controlling, bulldozing, OCD girl. For those 10 minutes back in October when I was submissive, I loved the weightlessness of it ! I loved how pretty I felt. How soft. How loved.
Before you start, I know I am loved. Barney still hugs me and tells me so, but some days I certainly don't feel worthy of it. I don't WANT to be loved - or so I tell myself. I know what I am supposed to do. Yet I don't. I let my stubborn pride get in the way of what is beneficial for us. Pride = selfishness. That is not conducive to a loving relationship. One needs to put the other first. Make them a priority in their lives. I went from anticipating his needs, to anticipating and ignoring...to not even looking for them anymore until after the fact. I'm afraid the next step is not bothering to reflect on this behaviour and then I will truly have come full circle again. Once that happens....I'm not sure.
I'm desperately hoping that it is the holidays, the uncertainty of things, this stupid cold that has knocked my on my butt and the physical disconnect that Mother Nature was so kind to provide, has sent me down one fork in the road and Barney down the other. I do know that I can't sit back and hope things will get better. I have to make some sort of first move, because no one wants to lead someone who refuses to follow.