so he can mull over my thoughts, and feelings and we can discuss them, and how to proceed in a way that will break down barriers I put up. Today's discussion was no different. We talked about the contents of my blog yesterday. The importance of following through with what was decided on. I take no issue in what he decides, as long as he does what he says. ( I know what you are going to say here...as long as he plays by my rules? No) He knows this is very important to me, as we are on such uncertain ground, it doesn't take much for me to topple. After our discussion life was to proceed as originally planned after Tuesday Role Affirmation um, set back? Only no..that is not what happened either.
WE had just finished discussing the importance of following through, holding steady in an area where we think we need fix or moving on if it doesn't work. Only this is the message that was delivered
So where are we? I don't know. Things did not end well today. The chain mail isn't there, but one crushed woman is. My feelings are hurt. Not because things didn't go my way, but because we talked about all kinds of things and his actions lead me to believe he didn't hear a word I said. I am to be patient. I know that. But I don't know how much longer I can handle being constantly hurt in this manner- dismissed while he processes.
I know. I know
( I love baby feet)
For the time being, I am going to try so desperately to be submissive on my own, forgetting that I asked for help. Unhealthy? Perhaps, but it is the only way I can see this moving forward. I have to live like I did before I told Barney about Dd. I can't lean on him right now. I know what you are all going to say, but I just can't. I have to wait for him to catch up right? Well if I am so far ahead I have to go this part alone. So counterproductive to what we are trying to achieve, but I don't know how else to cope. I really don't.