Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Barney & Willie's Excellent Adventure- NOT!

* A great deal of this post is told through a conversation between myself and another merely because I was too lazy/busy to reword it all in story format.  Sorry for that*

This past weekend was the first weekend Barney has not had to work for a very long time.  Due to life and other 'fun' things, we haven't connected on any physical level for the longest time since starting ttwd.  There also had been no Reconnection Appointments since he decided to clear the air after Wilma Left the Building.

We were invited out to dinner to our friends house ( Dan and Roseanne those who are interested how far things have come since October).  Saturday we lazed around.  We finally decided to go shopping, admittedly not a man's favourite past time, but we were buying birthday gifts and we went to a store where there was deliciously hilarious and naughty things!  So it was shockingly fun...yes even for me...and that was pretty much the end of our fun for the weekend.  We went to dinner...I had a nice time  ---..Barney ? ---...well I'd rather not get into it...but suffice to say the rest of the weekend was more like this

( without the happy face on Wilma)

We eventually talked and things were swept under the carpet worked out.  Because of said 'adventure', no reconnection on his days off either!

Skip ahead to the train wreck Reconnection Day.  Which could have been Monday, but Barney was called in to work.  So I wrote my Addicted to Crack post, mostly to put a smile on some faces, but the last line was more of a wake up call to my HoH.  I have begun to accept that I shouldn't expect things, and if they happen, great.  Things were getting desperate here though.  Not poking the bear...but Distancing Debbie,  in her lovely yellow sports car  was parked out front of my house, honk, honk, honking her horn.  Anywho...

Barney had said " When you are done there can you come upstairs"

" I want to talk first if that is alright?"

So that is what we did.  I explained how I felt we were going too long without some sort of connection.  I described how the past weekend made me feel.  How I didn't feel safe and protected.  That I had to be the one in charge.  I hated it..but it was far too simple to slip that HoH hat back on. Once again we talked about R/A when the kids are in the house.  Once again we talked about implements, and decided that during today's R/A that some quieter ones would be tried, as well as different approaches to warm up that may be quieter, ( hand spanking over nighty.) .

After our Reconnection Appointment..we had a reconnectoin of another type.  Only for the first time in a very long time I felt that this was something that was happening to me, not with me

The tears started to flow.  ( I swear if I knew how many tears would be expelled in this lovely adventure we embarked upon back in October.......well anyway).  Barney tried to console me?  I mean at this point I wasn't even sure what I was feeling.  

Poor guy.  I would imagine it took the wind out of his sails.  Moments earlier he was having a great time.  I didn't know what I was feeling or what to say, so I said just that...well sort of,but he understood. He made me promise to come to him once I could figure out what was wrong.

I finally went to Barney and said,

" I don't think the spanking worked" ( reconnection wise..and well for another reason to follow)

To which he responded

" Well that's not good"

And then.............................. that was it....?

A while later I found myself seeking help from a friend.  Somewhere from the bedroom to the basement, I went from weepy to angry.  Very angry. ( Odd really because just last week I had said to another friend, that it has been a while since anger was my default reaction.  I meant that I no longer went from hurt to anger in a blink of an eye as a coping mechanism.  I suppose that would explain the increased tears.  Although I honestly didn't think that was humanly possible.)   On this day my friend patiently listened, as always. She then said she would go back to her husband and explain how I felt disconnected because we hadn't connected in 2 week and perhaps one spanking and a lovemaking episode might not cut it.  To reach me.  What really struck a cord with me was the fact that she said he is probably frustrated because he couldn't reach me and he feels it is his fault.

I once again battled the war within and found my husband.  He held me in the kitchen, but my arms were between our bodies.  I was not the melty wifey that is for sure.  I explained to him as best I could.  Once again I left is exactly what I typed to my friend after THIS exchange

me: Okaaaaaay then...that didn't go well at all :(
Friend: sorry
 me: the moment..I'm thinking he's clueless....argh..Okay I admit that is neither nice nor helpful..but it is honest :)
 Friend: yup.

Does he need to do some "man processing"?
 me: I
 ( friends name) said.....she thinks...blah, blah blah...too long without intimacy perhaps and spanking too
  I didn't word it like that
  trust me
 me: anyway and that I have been left in a state of anger
  he said it made sense
and then I said I felt like the during the spanking I was a science experiment
  and he defended it saying that we needed to try stuff out without the boys around
  which made me more angry...inside
  I said..YES but that was not the sole purpose
 you should have 'experimented' and moved on
  he said ' So what you are saying is you need another spanking?"
  I giggled in response
..most of this time he was holding me but I was pressed up against his arms between us
  then he moved on and said...well we'll get to that on Friday
  I said "well good luck with that"
  and left
  then he came after me...I said...something about not listening to me at all
he said - "well I didn't say anything about not being intimate until Friday"
  ...ahhhhhhhhhh YEAH...because your angry wife is REALLY going to WANT to have sex
*****************************************************about 10 minutes later*********************************

 ME He was leaving for work and said..." Well we can talk tonight when I get home"
  I said " About what?"
"I am confused. You seem to be angry"


 I said..."Why would you be confused about that? I already TOLD you I was angry"

                  ....again...I ...know

he said..." Well we don't have to wait until Friday if that is helpful"
Gawd...I'm such a b*tch

Friend: I'm honestly trying to not grin at you!
 me: lol
  I'm sorry?
 Friend: When the two of you get a little fire in your bellies you get something done!

me: we are going to be the fighting couple...perfect!
 Friend: Nah.
  Just when needed.

Anyway, that was Tuesday.  We didn't talk last night as he came home too late.  We didn't talk about it ...whatever the heck 'it' is today because our son had a 'procedure' done this morning and I had to be near his side for several hours..actually I'm not sure why we didn't talk then, as our son was 'out'.

I can tell you that I still have this ridiculous anger in me ...and for WHAT stupid reason ?  I never have anger like this.  It makes no sense to me what so ever.  I don't feel it towards the boys or inanimate objects, just Barney.

I seriously think I'm going to come up with a distancing scale so I can just scream tell a number to Barney and let him how far I am away from him at the moment...

I Wilmafied this pain scale one...

Has anyone else had this happen?  Suggestions?  Because I'm not sure what good communication is doing at the moment. Well you may argue that we actually aren't communicating ...but ...  I seriously can't figure this one out.


  1. Oh Willie....I have not commented on here because I am currently chatting to you :)


    1. Yes you were Hez.

      You actually got me thinking about things that cleared my head. So thank you for the chat!


    2. You are very nice to be able to reciprocate for a change!

      Hugs :)

  2. Hi Wilma, life's a pain, the scale is a brilliant idea. There ought to be a manual for all this stuff and a typed copy available to every HoH. This would cover all our moods and various hormonal stages, with instructions on what to do cos' most of the time they do not have a clue. Bless 'em. Seriously thpough I have no helpful advice, you need Lillie for that but I have got to say your computer skills are bleeping fantastic. The crack post was hysterical though some of us prefer smack don't you know? I will never manage to put a picture on my blog or anything remotely interesting either. Sigh. :( Hope you two get reconnected soon, love Jan.

    1. Hellllllllllllllllllo Jan!

      Yes life is a pain. More so with ttwd ( I kill me). I do need Lillie...She should have a ttwd hotline set up! Actually I envision a bunch of them, like a telethon. Susie, Sara, Stormy, Lillie...the list goes on..and they are all at a huge table taking our calls!

      Like a membership drive on PBS. Hmmm? get on that ladies would ya?

      Now about your blog..already you've figured out some of this stuff. It is trial and error too!

      Love Willie

  3. Oh, my! Were you a fly on the wall at my house last Friday???? We'd been "too long" and trust me, it doesn't take long, for it to be "too long"! My libido DIES if I go for very many days without sex and I certainly need spanking pretty often.

    It's going to take breaking down the walls to get rid of the anger. For me, that means lots of S & S, and communicating. I have to do things I don't want to (like I went shopping w/him on Saturday, too). I have to focus on some positive things and taking vitamin D helps b/c you probably have some winter SAD going on.

    Hope you get to feeling better soon!


    1. Hey Kady

      No I wasn't a fly on your wall Friday, I was too busy building my own walls for flies apparently.

      I have discovered exactly what you said...the need for both and lots of S&S!

      So I guess we are not alone in this are we ?


  4. Oh wilma
    I'm so sorry you're feeling out of sorts. Well I think that's putting it mildly.
    I think I understand what your anger is about. You just want him to read you and step up when you need him to. But he's a " man" and that says a lot. I think he's not trying to get out of anything when he is saying he's confused. I think he really is.
    Men don't think like we do. We can look at our spouses, our children or our friends and know instantly that something is wrong. So we try to talk and understand what the problem is and how to solve it. We're woman, problem solvers. We can't handle not knowing what's wrong and can't see anyone upset.
    Men in my eys are different. They don't always see when someone is upset. Sometimes they don't see upset, they see angry. Most of the time they don't know how to deal with this. Instead of trying to talk to the person and see what's wrong, they assume it's them that's done something wrong, go on the defensive and then they start doubting themselves and then it just goes round and round and nothing gets solved.
    I do wish sometimes that we could just shake them until they understand our side of things. It's hard but sometimes talking to a man is like talking to a kid. You have to use small words, don't overwhelm them and make sure you are making them understand " I'm not blaming you but" that kind senario. If that makes sense.
    I really don't have much advise about how to go about explaining yourself to him. Sometimes I find it very hard to find the right words when trying to tell hubs how I feel. Then I get really angry because he doesn't understand me, so I start shouting not really explaining anything but just repeating " YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME" that's usually the time I end up otk and won't come up for air till I'm calm and can " communicate" better. Which totally sucks, but works, please don't tell him that lol
    Anyway sorry for talking your head off. I'm sorry you going through this. Maybe I should give you back the advise you gave me " don't over think things" calm down, take a deep breath, and try again x

    1. Hi MBC!

      Yes it is difficult to communicate to the opposite sex- especially when we are hurt, angry and confused. You want them to understand, and not make it about themselves...IT IS ABOUT ME DARN IT! Lol.

      Hey ! No recycling my advice to me!


  5. Willie,
    I love you. I don't know what else to say. I believe in you both. I think you both can fix this. In the words of Dory...Just keep swimming.

    1. Hey Bea

      Lucy says that to me all the time...just keep swimming ( it reminds me of _______)

      Thank you for your sweet words. I love ya to my sweet friend. We will get through this. Barney may end up needing a neck brace, but we'll figure it out.

      Love Willie

  6. Hi Willie,
    I guess I see hopeful, and I see both of you trying.
    I, like Bea above, love and believe in you.
    Keep communicating and writing your feelings, looking back those posts can provide the most illuminating perspective - re-read from the beginning and look at where you are have you grown? where are you as a couple? It can be quite interesting,
    hugs and love

    1. Hi Lillie

      Reread my blog from the beginning huh? That sounds like familiar advice....I actually do go back a great deal. More for 'tips' on finding my 'submissive' mindset.

      Like you said communication is key- I guess I just have to figure out how to effectively do it. Barney as well.

      Thank you for the words of encouragement----- and I love you too.

      Love Willie

  7. Hi Willie, I wish I had good sound advice to share. All I have is the empathic ear of a friend. I understand and I hear your frustration. But I also hear the love. Breathe, express your feelings however you need to with your friends...and when you are ready approach your husband...if at first you don't succeed, try try again... Hugs, Terps

    1. Awwww thanks Terps

      Sometimes that is exactly what I need- the ear of a friend!

      Hugs Back

  8. {{{HUGS}}} It's normal to feel hurt and angry. You want him to step up as his role as HOH, and not only do it, but want to. I'm learning that sometimes, no matter how much we try to talk, words don't always work. I'm praying you guys can find the balance, and that you learn to read each other a bit too, something I'm praying for my husband and I as well.

    1. Helllllllllo my fellow Canuck! See that is so cool..okay sorry

      We are trying to learn how to effectively communicate with each other..and in a more timely manner- but it certainly a struggle. No words don't always 'appear' to work with our men, but as Barney is often quick to point out--sometimes they hear it but it takes a while to sink it.

      Thanks for the prayers and good luck to you too


  9. I think I'm just going to go with Bea's comment. It's priceless.

    Oh and that scale will be used around here for sure. Very helpful.

    1. I'm assuming you mean the swimming one? LOL

      Yeah...I might print that scale off..or better yet make a t-shirt or two and just violently point to a number in front of Barney!

  10. Sometimes a spanking just doesn't leave us feeling the way we expect it to. When this has happened to me, I think I tend to be of the "tomorrow is another day" and "try, try again" mindset, but I also totally understand the need to figure things out and get to the bottom of it (no pun intended!) in certain situations too. Whether it's about needing more, or more often or needing to connect in a different way entirely...well, only you two can figure that one out and I guess that's where all the communication comes in to play! It can be hard to communicate exactly what you are feeling when you are still unsure yourself though:) I've found there's a fine line with my guy when it comes to talking about whether a spanking technique or whatever is "working" for me/us. Sometimes I get it right...but other times I know I've come off as being way to critical in his opinion and he really doesn't like it when he feels I am implying he is doing things "wrong." Not really sure where I am going with this, except to suggest treading carefully in that regard. Hugs to you both and you navigate through all of this. (maybe crank 'your song' up really loud for some inspiration?)

    p.s. - I love the term "melty wifey" :)

    1. Hi Tess

      I have asked Barney about talking about the spanking thing. We don't discuss it DURING unless he asks me questions. He said he needs to know certain things that work or don't as we are still new to this. Some days it works one way and some days it doesn't. Still trial and error.

      As for tomorrow is another day, boy do I hear you on that one. Everyday I say to myself ..." Okay so today you are going to get 'it' right...and someday I may :)

      Love the term melty wifey? I like being her too!

  11. : ) I was looking for an article my husband showed me recently to quote you. Couldn't find it. When I do I will send it to you.
    Everything will workout. I know I am no help. I still say you should be spanked: )
    Blue Bird

    1. I still say you should be an HoH for hire...You always say I should be spanked! LOL


  12. Patience........ Men are sometimes a little slower on this entire thing with DD and communication and reading our minds by watching our moods. At least I know mine is. He has finally begun to see the distancing signs after all this time.
    Bea is right "keep swimming"

    1. Hi Blondie!

      I'm going to skip over that dreaded P word and comment on your last bit. He has said recently that he can tell I am distancing ( uh poker face over here trust me) but he has to figure out how long is okay in his mind.

      Yes, keep swimming...just a reminder Bea and Blondie..January over

  13. First things first (((hugs)))
    This is not the first post I've read lately about feeling angry, there have been a few (myself included), and spankings not quite helping. I'm not sure if there is a pattern yet but a thought in my mind is that we have given our husband's control as HOH, and they have accepted that position. There are many things they are dealing with which they may not yet be accustomed to. I know with Dave he moves at a much more conservative pace than I do with anything. I want to see results…Now. I know he wants to as well, but I wonder if a little part of Dave is overwhelmed. He has a lot on his plate, and now more. I want to be his first priority, and in the overall picture I am, but in taking care of everything he is responsible for I know he is prioritizing things as he feels they need to be at the moment. So maybe I don’t feel the love or the priority I want right now. Does it get me feeling distant from him? Does it make me angry?
    The best thing is that you and Barney communicate. If you’re a little like me you want things resolved now. But I know for Dave and I we didn’t get to where we were overnight, we are not going to get all things resolved overnight. As long as we keep moving forward we’re making progress. Progress might sometimes include a step back. Sometimes that step back is a perfect time to evaluate before moving a step forward again.
    I hope you find something within this comment to be usable. Sometimes I feel like what I write is just the ramblings of another in similar situation trying to make sense of it.

    1. Awwwwwwww thanks for the hugs Jacquie they were very much needed when I first read your comment!

      I understood what you said completely. I think the hardest thing about ttwd is the advice to communicate. Not that I don't think we need to, just that we often push each other to talk to our husbands- which we should inevitably do- but sometimes it takes time to get to a place within ourselves before we can. If we don't wait, we are unwilling to hear what the other is saying. It becomes a case of being more right....or expressing how WE are the injured party. In this particular case of course, the issue had to somewhat be clear in my mind too. I mean the reason for anger. There is however a delicate balance between distancing time to allow one to figure things out, and distancing time that damages the relationship itself. Hopefully in time we will become better at seeing that.

  14. Willie,

    Hi, my name is George and I recently started following your blog. I have yet to comment, but I thought today was a good day to start. Nina and I have been married for 35+ years and even after all that time, I still don't read her signals as well as I should. As has been written by others, communication is paramount, albeit enormously difficult, especially when emotions are involved.

    I have two grown daughters and if I may, I want to pass on to you the advice I gave them. GUYS DON'T TAKE HINTS! Women are far, far more intuitive than men. Women understand the nuance of a comment and it is totally clear. With men you must be direct and say exactly what you mean, otherwise you will most likely become frustrated with them and then they will not understand why you are frustrated and then you will get totally exasperated. Also, try to communicate one big thought at a time. Mental multi-tasking is not a man's forte :-)

    Please understand that I am not speaking poorly of men, only to point out the obvious, that we are wired differently. I once read that in a relationship, the thing women need most is to be cherished and that the thing men need most is to be needed.

    Be direct with Barney, be patient, and never forget that life is a journey, not a destination. I pray that the future will find the two of you sharing a fullfilling and exciting journey, walking together hand in hand, both physically and emotionally.



    1. Welcome George!

      I read one of your comments on Ami's blog. I am so happy you decided to delurk. I am so grateful too because you offer some great thinking points. Barney has often said " I'm a guy. I don't get it sometimes !" or " You remember everything I barely remember what I had for breakfast it can be intimidating at times!" ...LOL...

      Being reminded of this from another man is good. Thank you for that. You are correct though, remembering all of this in the 'heat' of an emotional storm is very difficult indeed. I believe the key for us is to remember that even though we hit a rough patch, each time it seems to take less time to find each other again- well except this time :) Truly our communication skills - I was about to say have become much better, but in truth, I'm not sure we've really had any honest ones before ttwd, looking back- so I'll say we now communciate. Not always effectively, but we are getting there.

      Thanks for the well wishes and I hope so very much that you'll comment more .


  15. I know you'll want to give me a virtual smack when you read this, but I don't think that the whole shebang was as much of a train wreck as you perceive it to be. It was painful, annoying, frustrating and can add the right words but you did do some communicating. You both pursued the other at times when in the past you would each go to your corners and leave the other alone. You did try some new things and you are feeling...feeling a lot. I know anger isn't any fun, but maybe this stuff that is staying up at the surface is helping you continue to process and not hide it all away.

    AS much as you want to shake him, remember that guy needs some hugs and some sweet Willie too. Talk about confusing him...

    1. Give *YOU* a virtual smack? Are you crazy lady?

      Yes to all those adjectives and many more. I know in order to grow in ttwd sometimes we need to fall to pieces- but it doesn't mean I have to enjoy it right? Some days it seems the glue isn't even set and we start all over again!

      I do see some positives for sure...and when I didn't Barney was quick to point them was walking away at one point and then came back..." See normally I would just keep on walking until you cooled off- or I cooled off- but I'm back" LOL We do say funny things in the heat of the moment.

  16. Hey Willie, *ducking b/c I'm pretty sure you're going to want to smack me upside the head too*

    I read this post and the comments more than once and I have to say I tend to agree with everyone else. Yeah, I know. It feels like a cop out and unhelpful to say that but honestly, I think it's all be said. As Susie said, I see positives here. You are both trying, communicating more, each seeking the other out etc. The one thing I'm glad to see is how you told Barney how you felt, and when you weren't sure how you were feeling you told him that too. I think Lillie's idea is a good one too. It is interesting to review you posts and see what has changed.

    Hang in there my friend. I love you and believe in you too :)

    Much love and (((Hugs)))
    Roz um Scrappy um Roz um - Oh dammit. I'm not really sure at the moment!

    1. Hey Roz

      Do I get to say oh good go read my responses to the above comments then? LOL...I'm kidding. Yes we duked it out more that we normally would have in the past, so I guess that is a positive. I knew you would be proud about me saying *I didn't know* when I told Barney that. I actually remember thinking laying there...listen to your friends..tell him the truth that you don't know. It will make him feel better.

      Thank you Roz I do love you too...and thanks for believing in me because my friends' faith in me is something I need when I don't always have in myself.

      Love Willie

  17. Yes, EVERYBODY has had this happen. You feel angry bc you made yourself vulnerable and he didn't fix it, make you feel safe. Most often, under anger you will find fear.

    He tried, but he doesn't yet know all the tricks, and you are just finding your way, figuring out what you need and then how to say it to him. You're BOTH working to figure things out. It will come...if you keep trying and communicating and working at TTWD, it WILL come together. I promise!


    1. Hi Sara

      Thank you so much for your insight and your words of encouragement. We are both stumbling around in the dark in an area where we have never been before. It is very scary at times indeed. For both of us.


  18. I think I said something the other day that he isn't sure what to do, which causes him to question and feel like he is failing you and himself. Maybe like susie said he needs a hug and assurance that he is getting "somewhere"

    I completely understand your emotions and anger. we want it all to be 'right" and now.

    1. LOL..thanks for your follow up email on this one Minelle!

      We both didn't handle this well perhaps, but we are trying ...maybe next time we'll get it right...or sooner anyway

  19. Hi there! *waves out from lurkdom*
    Something that me and hubby does, that most times helps for some reconnection and also often leads to good talks is that we snuggle up in bed together. Most of the time we do this we are only wearing underwear, it lets you get that little bit closer and feel each others warmth and love.
    We even do this if we are angry(well... if I am), I will then often start of with refusing, but the order is "off to the bedroom". Then I try to "protect" myself with hiding under the covers/have covers between us, but he insists that regardless of anger, tears or whatsnot I am to either have my head at his chest or my body pressed to his side. He wont push me out of the covers, but some closeness. Sometimes our talking will start like that, with me "hiding", especially if there is tears. Other times just laying there feeling him being there makes me curl in closer.
    Just felt like sharing a non spanking reconnect process with you, all tough we do have those as well...

    1. Well I'll certainly wave back, in all directions because it has been so long since I was in Lurkland, I'm not sure where it is anymore!

      Never the less Welcome!

      Thank you for your great ideas! I am going to pass them on to Barney to read. This is a hard thing for us...forcing a reconnect...non spanking is actually more difficult at times.

      I hope you comment again...perhaps leaving a fun little name so we know it is YOU next time--- um no pressure though!


  20. Ok can go upside my head also.

    I do believe that the walls you built right before "Wilma Left the Building" were not all torn down when Barney 'cleared the air'. I don't think the air was totally cleared at that time and since then, you have been quietly over-thinking every little thing and slowly but steadily, rebuilding them. Your reconnection threatened those walls and suddenly you were in tears and then BAM angry...because your walls were threatened.

    Look at your body language when Barney was trying to hold you...does that read someone who is open to you, your heart, what you have to say? How do you think that made Barney feel?

    Dear Willie, the following are not accusations...they are questions for you to think about and answer to yourself and possibly Barney...not to me or anyone else. Have you stopped and thought about Barney's feelings? Here was a man who thought everything was fine in his happy home and along comes his wife with 'I've been thinking...I want DD...I've researched this for months and I want you to step up, take charge and spank my bottom...ummmmmmm ok? He's come a long way in a short amount of time. Have you told him lately that you're proud of him? Have you thanked him? HoH's need appreciation also.

    One more point in this book...Did you honestly expect to have a conversation with your son so close by? Even if he was 'out'...I can see that being very uncomfortable...also, he could have woken just enough to overhear things he really shouldn't.

    Sending a lot of BIG HUGS and positive thoughts that you two can work this out soon.


  21. I just *love* it when a post comes with a disclaimer that includes me being violent lol

    NOW where to begin? I do agree that perhaps the walls were still not down completely after Barney cleared the air...or more likely when you push over dominoes and only some of them fall over. You have to get up and push more because your design wasn't quite right.

    As for the comment about my son...I merely mentioned that in passing in my blog- not entirely sure why now. I honestly didn't think it at the time..I was really only focused on him- and my concern. BUT he wouldn't have woken up..he was drug induced under. Like operation recovery under...however no we wouldn't have talked I was too distracted at the time anyway.

    Thanks for the hugs and the positive thoughts..we are working together...things are already better