Thursday, January 3, 2013

Has Anyone Seen a Halo?

 So this post is one, but written over two days.  I need to write today, because I am having a really difficult time deciphering my emotions right now.  I suppose before I get into all of that, I should give you a bit of a background about how my rule came about, and how I broke it.

I think I have mentioned before I am not a tall person. It  seems here in ttwd blogland, you  have to have one of the following traits: short, well endowed, or a husband as big as a Mack Truck.  I only qualify in the first category.  In addition to being short, I am a pretty small individual.  About 2 1/2 years ago I lost 15 pounds, through healthy eating.  I wasn't over weight then. I was still in the upper part of my BMI.  Now I am in the lower, but all is good. So why mention this?  Well since I lost that weight my body's ability to process alcohol has been all over the map.  Some days I can drink beer all afternoon and be fine, other days a few has me sick as dog.  I know I tease about glasses of submission, but I rarely drink anymore.  Mostly because Barney is at work, and it is winter, and I don't drink alone .  Anyway when we started ttwd one of the rules Barney had was no more than 3 drinks when he is not around.  He then added, but if there is wine with dinner that is not included in the 3 drinks.  He mostly meant in a social situation, not so much a dinner party where food was involved that I should watch my intake.

So enter New Years Eve.  Barney was working.  I was having 3 other people over for dinner and then we were going 'across the street' to ring in the new year.  I had two ultra light Canadian beer- 3% .  I then decided I should just switch to our dinner wine.  Dinner took longer to make it to the table than it should have perhaps for my alcohol intake.  To make a long story short(er) my wine glass always seemed to be filled.  I don't remember leaving the dinner table.  I didn't make it to the other party.  When Barney arrived home he found our 15 year old son at home, not at the neighbourhood party because he didn't want to leave me.  I was apparently violently ill.  Only I don't remember any of that.  Yes my halo is long gone.



The next morning when I woke up, violently ill again, something that would be repeated throughout the day until late afternoon, I saw a very concerned husband looking at me.  He climbed into bed to hold his no doubt gross wife...lol.. I couldn't stop crying, no sobbing.  Repeating over and over that I was sorry.  He recounted what he found when he came home.  How disappointed he was in me.  I sobbed even louder.  I told him how I hated how ttwd makes me feel sometimes.  He just chuckled and stroked my hair.

" Are you mad ?"

" Yes"

Lots more sobbing...and apologizing.

" Am I in trouble?"

" I'd have to think so, yes "

"oh"

Later in the day- I was still in bed, still so very sick and sore.  He came back to hold me a while longer.  He explained how he understood how this could happen.  It is not like I was doing shooters.  That he's been there where wine sneaks up on you.  He then began to talk about his schedule, and how Thursday looked like that would be the first time for us to be able to have some time, if the opportunity presents itself.

" Do you mean maintenance? "

"No.  Not this time"

" Oh"

So throughout the day, before he left for work, I kept asking if he was still mad.  His response was yes.  Yikes.  He said " It is hard to stay mad AT you, but I don't like this situation"

I know in the past that he has always disliked seeing me like that.  I used to get, " Wilma, what have you done to yourself.  You have to be more careful"...now it looks like he is going to make sure I am.

I could see the wheels turning on Weds. morning before he left for work.  He was mentioning how he understood again how I could have let this happen, not getting up from the table, someone filling my glass constantly, the fact that I was probably weak still because I was sick after Christmas.  He also said that he's not perfect and it has happened to him.  I was very nervous and confused.  As much as I don't want to be punished, I don't think I want him not to go through with what he said he was going to do.

" So what exactly are you saying?"  my emotions were all over the place at this point.  Like I desperately wanted something, yet I didn't.  I didn't want to further force his hand, but I did feel so incredibly guilty.  I was expected at a party, I had so many phone calls on New Years Day checking up on me.  I had robbed my son of his party.  I had my friends worried.  My husband, worried and angry.  To sum it up a perfect Wilma Guilt Storm was brewing.

He then went on to LITERALLY tell me what he meant...lol...MEN!

" No I mean, about Thursday.  What does this mean about Thursday"  I can't still say spanking at times.

" Oh, well it is going to happen.  I can understand how you got to the point you were on New Years Eve, but in the past we had no consequences for poor choices.  Now we have something in place, to deal with things- that we agreed on .  Right?"

So here I sit.  Happy that my husband has decided that this is what he feels right.  Anxious about the event.  Not so much about pain, just the event, if that makes any sense.  I still feel horrible - not physically- just a waste of a night...and not just any night New Years. I let down so many people.  Myself included.  I want that look off of my husband's face when we talk about it. I feel awful , that my husband is about to do something he really doesn't want to.  Then there is part of me, who even though I brought this entire idea to Barney, that is having an out of body experience.  Like I am watching two different people interact.  It is all so confusing. So foreign.  I'm worried that this isn't going to 'work' and then I wonder what 'work' even means.  I want ttwd to bring us closer, what if it doesn't...?  I mean I'm supposed to have a clean slate after this punishment is over.  But before ttwd, I wouldn't have allowed myself to feel, and ask Barney how he felt about all of this.

On a lighter note.  We have to get the boys out of the house to deal with this situation.


James Bond to the rescue yet again!

Cost of 3 movie tickets $27
Price of movie snacks for 3 teenage-type boys, $45.

Being able to Spank your wife's butt without the worry of interruption....

Priceless.

Yup, one expensive spanking coming up............



Day 2-

Barney has gone to drop the boys off.  I have to be perfectly honest with you, right now I am freakin' out.  Not entirely sure why.  I am certainly not afraid of my husband- nor am actually of the spanking.  I have yet to get one that has been 'that' bad.  Perhaps because today is a punishment and there is an emotion behind it it will be different.  I'm not sure WHY I am feeling this, or what exactly 'this'  is.   ----- Ironically, if feel like I could use a drink....<~~ I know right?


***********Later in the Day************



Well it's over.  How do I feel ?  I'm not sure.-  Weepy,  but oddly like I have built a wall of some sort.  Not against Barney- I don't understand, and that is making me weepy further.

We stopped several times because, well without talking it felt cold- impersonal.  Initially Barney thought that we wouldn't have to rehash the original event, because he knew it hasn't left my mind.  *Note to HoHs out there- we still need to hear how our transgressions have affected you, our relationship etc.  So we continued once again.  I was beginning to 'break' if you will with his words- sort of , but then he stopped.  He was concerned that my skin looked awful...like it was about to break.  Personally, it merely felt a tad stingy.

He then went to retrieve the blasted silicone spreader thingie.  Onto to my sits spots that was applied.  Now THERE is an implement I can't stay in position for.  Unfortunately for us, my white skin can't take as much as my thick skull can.  I could almost feel the protective walls being built within me.   We need to work on 'reaching' me with words.

Was there too much pressure around this event?  Perhaps.  But I was a walking basket case for 2 days, I'm not sure it would have taken much. I guess I still have a lot to learn about letting my guard down.  There was an incident right after, while snuggled in his arms that made me angry.  Luckily, I was able to voice that to him, and he somewhat understood my reasoning why.

Anyway, we are going to discuss some new and revamp some old rules today.  So all is not lost.  This was a huge step for Barney.  One that he said he didn't like, but is anxious to see results from in the future.( Like he's going to have many opportunities, married to THIS angel )



I feel....I don't know..............unresolved.  I suppose it is up to me to figure out a way to fix that feeling.




46 comments:

  1. That is a tough one Wilma..I am sorry that you feel so badly about your poor choice...I know that guilt can be overwhelming. I am glad that Barney followed through because even though you don't want it, you want it, you know? Are you unresolved because you are holding onto the guilt? You are supposed to let that go, remember? Are you unresolved because it is new and you are unsure of your reaction? Are you unresolved because of the talking issue? Have you talked to your son? Sorry...nosy Nellie with all the questions...just worried for you and hope that you get your resolution soon:)
    Love, Bea

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    1. LOL Bea

      If my head wasn't spinning before it sure is now! Let's see..No.Yes.Possibly.Not sure.Yes. and Thank you

      Love Willie

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  2. I think that there was a lot of pressure on this event,but I bet that is very common in DD or TTWD. I mean you and Barney probably have some processing to do. I bet the more you talk the better things will seem. Barney loves you so much,you crazy girl.
    And now you are on the other side, so take a deep breath and just enjoy the rest of the week.

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    1. Thanks Minelle. Processing does seem to take some time :)

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  3. Oh Willie, Willie, Willie.... So Barney followed through and that is a good thing. Still feeling like it is unresolved is not.

    I wonder...have you forgiven yourself?

    Also, there is no time for 'building walls' if you are counting out loud. The lectures/talking never got through to me either, as I would be building walls almost at the half way mark. Counting out loud breaks that mind set. Perhaps you need to do that. We can be so stubborn at times, and even in a spanking dig our toes in.

    Maybe you need to go back to Barney and ask for some more. Or talk to him about how you are feeling.

    Hope that you feel better soon though.
    And know that all this is said with many hugs to you :)

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    1. Or sure. Send me back into the line of fire, with a hug! Sheesh! *wink*

      As for counting...not sure I can count that high...lol

      Love
      Willie

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  4. I wish I could offer some words of advice. I can only say I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I'm sure some of the other ladies can help.

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    1. We are just now making headway Sunny. Thank you for your support!

      Delete
  5. Awww Willie,
    I think I can relate to how you are feeling...
    I certainly know the angst of impending doom, and two days is torture. Governments have fallen in a shorter time frame.....but I also understand that it is necessary to do what you have to do with children...
    And the event.....you sure are a tough little cookie. I broke out in a sweat when the picture of that silicone thing came up. Didn't I tell you to get rid of that stuff?
    The Great Wall - big enough to be seen from space? You recognize that they are there, and the great thing is that you guys are talking.
    Barney did great, Willie. He followed through, although he felt sympathy for you, he did the hardest thing....you have a really good man in Mr. Rubble.
    I never thought I would say it (because it was so hard for me) but communication truly is the way to making it work. Keep talking, and keep writing about your feelings, Willie - I think you discover a great deal during the process of writing it out.
    Congrats for living through your first punishment - they suck but they have sure made a difference in our marriage....damn it :)
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. You DID tell me to get rid of the blasted thing. I should have when I stopped Dd for those 10 minutes back in October!

      Barney did do great. He followed through even though his original emotions surrounding the situation had become muted.

      Thanks for the congrats. To I get some kind of badge like in Girl Guides ?

      Thanks for your insight Lillie.

      Much love
      Willie

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  6. All the emotions can be overwhelming... Just keep talking. Glad he followed through though

    (((Hugs)))

    P

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    1. Thanks P.

      Hugs are in high demand around here lately.

      Willie

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  7. Willie dear - You've apologized to Barney. If you haven't done so, which I'm sure you have, apologize to your son and your friends. I am reading a lot of guilt in that wall of yours, let go of the guilt and tear down the darn wall!

    Some can handle pain better than others so I have to wonder if, since you seem to handle it better, you don't think you were punished enough.

    Congratulations to Barney on following through. He was probably very uncomfortable and will get better at the lecture, which is what always tore me down, as time goes on. He'll also get better at the spanking - fair warning! Did he forgive you after the spanking?

    As you both process the situation and discuss here and there, I think it will all clear up but I really think most of it is due to you holding on to your guilt. Is it possible that this is a way for you to hold on to control? Not accusing, just asking.

    This will all work itself out as long as you don't let yourself sink into a funk and/or pull away from Barney.

    Lots of Hugs, Love and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Yes Cat I did apologize to everyone affected.

      I think maybe you are on to something with the punishment, and about 10 minutes later, after further inspection, Barney's fears were layed to rest--so yes I see things lasting longer in my future. As for his forgiveness, that happened the day after the event, long before the spanking. Which is most likely a contributing factor to his uncertainty/discomfort.

      I'm sure you have already read my next post ( or not ) but the guilt is gone, last night I figured out what might have contributed to my unresolved feelings.

      We're talking. Things are clearer now.

      Thank you for the hugs, love and blessings! I can use all three!

      My Love
      Willie

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  8. Hugs, Willie.
    I wish I had sine great insight for you like you do for me! I'm w/m3 though.. Have you forgiven yourself? Maybe it's the guilt from everything getting to you.
    Hugs,
    Elle

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    1. I'd hardly call my ramblings insight. You always know the answers, you just have to be willing to do it. In this situation, I suppose the dust just needed to settle.

      Thanks Elle. Your support means a lot.

      Hugs back

      Willie

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  9. Willie,

    I completely understand the whole not realising how much you have had to drink. I did it just before Christmas and it's truly awful.
    I'm glad you have started the healing process and that you are starting to break down the walls of guilt. It can be really hard sometimes. I still feel terrible and it was almost 2 weeks ago.
    Cheer up, change the things we can change for the future, we can't change the past.

    Callie

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    1. Wow Callie responding while on vacation! I'm honoured.

      I actually thought of just linking your post instead of writing the top portion of mine...LOL.

      I did feel terrible. Fortunately my friends and son were great about it. I can't make it up to Barney, but sometimes life is like that. In order to show him how truly sorry I am, I will endeavor not to be so foolish in the future.

      Why not try to talk to your husband again about your situation. Not to pressure him for punishment but perhaps find a resolution you can both accept. If not TRY to be as understanding with yourself as he is with you. ( I know right? Who am _I_ trying to kid )

      Willie

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  10. Wow Willie - I come home to a huge read!
    On one hand, I'm glad to see "Barney" followed through, but it's a bit upsetting that you are left with ill feelings, unresolved feelings...

    Like everyone has said, those are possibly ones of guilt, or maybe you are just wondering HOW this ttwd is exactly supposed to feel?
    Maintenance is one thing.. being spanked from a discipline view point is another.

    I once envisioned a spanking as this miracle fix all, where I'd eventually cry, let out a ton of emotions and confess all my inner struggles to "H" while he stroked my hair and rubbed my back...

    Well, some of that has happened and some of it has not. I have been comforted that way, and let out a few feelings and guilt, but sometimes, it's taken DAYS to get over a bad feeling or even worse, I've resented being spanked and or come up from it feeling angry and talking later that night got me another spanking and then finally, I wrapped my head around the troubles and ended up spilling it.

    Sometimes it takes awhile for feelings to come to a head.. I like to think of it like a flower blooming... I have the bud, it's beginning to open, but just not quite there yet...
    and
    YES, it takes communication, but also great thought on a personal level... so maybe thinking first, then communication to the men...

    I think I'm rambling, I'm trying to get out what's in my head and have it make sense while cooking chicken noodle soup with a baby in a sling on my side..

    Hang in there, give yourself time to explore your feelings.



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    1. I think you did fantastic with your comment, and then when I hear how much you had going on while constructing it, I am further impressed!

      I think most of your points are spot on. I suppose with more practice at punishment...pfft OBVIOUSLY living with such and angel this is going to take years.... we'll both feel more at home with the end result ( no pun intended).

      As for exploring...I've turned into freakin' Dora over here...just wish I had a talking map like she does!

      Love
      Willie

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  11. You may want to toss darts at my picture for saying this, but sometimes when it is big and emotional it can take more than one spanking.

    I know. I said you may not like it.

    It's so much, so many emotions, so many experiences that you are both going through and it can be hard to really process things until later. Maybe talking it out will be enough. Maybe time will be enough. But sometimes I found that I would get myself in trouble again soon after, almost because it hadn't been enough the first time. I know it sounds weird, but it's hard to explain.

    Sometimes it's okay just to be in the moment and to say that the moment is a difficult one.

    Hugs.

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    1. You know Ana, today after Barney read both my blog posts, and all the comments I mentioned your comment specifically to him- in jest of course. He said

      "Oh, I didn't say I disagreed with Ana " <- huh? But no, this subject is closed. Next time...well let me thank you in advance :)

      Willie

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    2. You're very welcome, dear. Do you want Mrs. Claus' number so you can start the tattling for next year? ;)

      Hugs.

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  12. Awe Willie, I am glad it's over for you and so sorry you are still feeling somewhat unresolved. I agree with Cat, she has given you some great advice. I think you are having a hard time forgiving yourself and it's this that is creating the walls. It does sometimes take a while.

    Take heart my dear, this is a step forward for you. Barney followed though, yay! which would not have been easy for him. I hear you about needing him to communicate his feelings and not just spank and I can understand him thinking you had already discussed it and you knew how he felt. We do need to hear those words again though don't we? It's the lecture that undoes me too. That will come in time, the lectures will happen, and as Cat said, he will definitely get 'better' at the spanking too! That is something I have definitely found - so much more ouchier than they used to be!

    The emotions certainly can be overwhelming and particularly given this is the first 'real' spanking. As Emi said, give yourself time to explore your feelings - and keep talking to Barney.

    I hear you about having been nervous too. I still get nervous when facing correction and you are right, it's not the spanking itself necessarily, it's the whole situation and emotions around it.

    Big ((Hugs))

    Love
    Roz

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    1. At the risk of looking like I am not fully responding to Roz, I'm just going to just

      thank her for her comments here

      We have ventured into the wicked world of Google chat together so she is all up to date...and well I suppose the rest of you are now too! lol


      This is a completely uncharted territory for us, and we may have drifted a bit, but we are getting back on course.

      Thanks for listening Roz
      Love Willie

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  13. I'm so sorry to hear about all your woes, willie.
    We don't hit bumps in the road, but you do have a wonderful hubby
    who is doing his best to keep you on the DD right track.
    A good weekly talk might clarify your and his needs.
    Hope you're feeling better hon.

    ((((hugs)))
    Jack's Jill

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    1. Thanks Jill

      I do have a wonderful hubby. He is trying and that is the most important thing.

      I'm feeling more settled today. Thanks Jill

      Willie

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  14. Oh Wilma, your halo is right where you left it. Halos have no beginnings or ends just like all our other parts it has different shades sometimes and most common is Angel White and glowing and then the next moment it is glowing deep red. You have not lost it just simply changed its color. Don't fear tomorrow it may be sub yellow or envy green, take comfort in knowing it is still there waiting to change just like we do. Forgive yourself as Barney has. Sending you long distance hugs

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    1. Hey Cathie, if I give you a few 'girl's' emails, will you email them this info on my halo ? lol

      You are right. I merely stumbled. As Barney reassured me today, the change in me these past 4 months have taken hold, mistakes or not :)

      Please remember your kind words to me when/if you and Vic find yourself in a similar situation in the future.

      Hugging back
      Willie

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    2. So now u have a color changing ankle bracelet do ya? Lol!

      Delete
    3. Sorry Cathie said it was a halo...two against one. Enjoy YOUR mood-ringtype ankle halo!

      Delete
  15. I don't believe I could say more than what has already been said. But I do agree that perhaps Ana is on to something; perhaps you still need something more to help you clear the slate for good. It may not even need to be a spanking, but maybe you and Barney could talk about something else you could do to help you feel like you've made things right. It may even be that you feel you might want to do something which makes it up to your son; that may be where the issue is unresolved since it involved him.
    And I will echo what some others have said-forgive yourself. ((hugs))

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    1. Thank you Jacquie. I especially thank you for adding a different twist to Ana's er, comment :) . I think we are back. We've changed that is for sure. I am still very emotionally raw ( among other things) but we're essentially back.

      I have forgiven myself, but I'm still not happy with myself- accident or not.

      Willie

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  16. I was trying to understand why you hadn't let it go, then I got it with Bea's comment, and Cat beat me to it :) You may very well feel unresolved because you have a clean slate and new understanding with Barney, but you expressed a lot of guilt over your son staying with you and missing his party, and worrying your friends. I'd agree with Cat, that if you do that - apologize to them - you may just get the peace that you need.

    That's another consideration as well, as one who does possess a very high tolerance, maybe it wasn't enough to bring you to where you felt you needed to be. Understand that they do have a better vantage point to our physical condition, but it is possible you needed to be pushed just a little further. AND again,it is possible that the lack of resolution is in not 'making it right' with the others affected - especially because you're clear that the wall is not between you and Barney.

    I worry all the time about the halo slipping, about being less than he deserves. My advice there is listen to Barney...it wasn't intentional. He didn't give the correction to 'punish' an act, but to correct the situation and ensure that you are more mindful in the future, so that your health doesn't suffer. He still loves you, he loves you enough to help you stay safe. It's okay to let it go.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. You are absolutely right June. He didn't follow through to punish so much as to ensure this was a deterrent- although HONESTLY you think that I'd remember how horrid it was to be hung over, except that seems to leave with the more sips I take...sigh. Hopefully the feelings that have surrounded this event will remain ( less painfully but) etched in my memory as a further deterrent.

      I think you are correct about the pain and the correction connection. As I have just mentioned above, he realized after he decided to stop, and looked at me 10 minutes later, that things weren't as bad as he initially thought. Mind you today is another story....argh! LOL We'll figure this out- but only through honest communication. ( for the record everyone out there- by late afternoon today I'm all good *wink*- if you discount colour)

      Thanks June

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  17. This is going to sound crazy, but I am very happy for you and Barney!! He may not have wanted to do it, but this rule is obviously very important to him. This is a huge step for both of you.

    This may not be the first time you have seen the disappointment on Barney's face, but it's the first time the look has bothered you. Ana may be right...it may take more than one to clear your head.

    Forgive yourself, and if you can't, then ask Barney to help you. After all, that's his job! ;)

    Love ya,
    Emma

    P.S. Steven says "It's about time!! You've been getting away with plenty until now. Tell Barney I'm giving him an over the border high-five"



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    1. Yes Emma your are correct-- this ONE time :)

      Fake Steve..you're a jerk! LOL...I kid, sorta..*wink* Barney was impressed with your comment once I told him WHO you were...sheeesh boys keep up!

      Love Ya Emma !..meh-Fake Steve you have your moments. xoxox

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  18. I agree with every thing Cat said. ( Have you noticed I always do)
    Did you apologize to the others you mentioned? Yes, may be a source of unresolved guilt.
    It was the first time Willie. Bravo to Barney for following through! And Bravo to you for following through also!
    You should Thank God I am not your HOH! In that two days, I would have made you write out what you were going to say to all those you needed to apologize to, for my approval. I would have made you stand in the corner and wait for me there while I took the boys to the movies. I would have lectured you before and during. In that lecture I would have made sure you understood exactly how I felt on every aspect of what happened. Then I would have told you how much I love you and need you and that all was forgiven. (can you tell I have imagined a similar scenario, lol)
    When I first discovered Dd I wasn't sure the discipline would work, then I read Clint's post on the lecture at Learning DD. I knew the lecture would have me sobbing before I ever felt the pain. But it is something most guys are uncomfortable doing. They think we all ready know why, why do they need to repeat it. At least that is what my husband says.
    No It is not just up to you to find a way to resolve. You are supposed to be allowing him to lead and support you. Turn to him, talk to him, use him like a giant hanky and let him soak up your tears.
    I am sorry you are going through this. It just sucks. You know how you are going to handle a similar situation in the future don't you? Forgive yourself this one.
    Lots of love and big hard hugs,
    Blue Bird

    P.S. All of you need to stop posting and making me comment so I can finish Part 2! : )

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    1. Man Blue Bird I almost feel spanked again! LOL

      Well I should really respond to everything here because you took the time, and others would want to know how I reacted to this...lol ( for the record BB and I have talked about this together already BUT)

      I agree with everything you said. In my next post everyone can see how helpful this comment was to start to help me figure out some of my issues...but I have so many! lol

      Happy you were able to post part 2...it gave me something to read in the middle of the night last night!

      Thanks for your continued support BB and all the love and hugs!

      My Love
      Willie

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  19. Willie you've got me crying yet again! I don't think there are many tears left to shed I've shed such buckets over the last twenty four hours. Some of the advice you've been given here is just what I need too. I understand perfectly what it is to carry a huge burden of guilt and regret. At least you have had your reckoning. I know I will get one somewhere on the distant horizon, but heaven only knows when. Things are much worse than I had dreamt, and posting could be a little difficult at the moment.

    And while we're on the subject - what's all this about drinking?! I'm totally with Blue Bird on this topic! To see someone out of control to the point of making themselves ill is not a good thing Willie! It happened to me once years and years ago, and I never forgot it. Luckily you had Barney to see to your needs. At least he followed through this time!

    The plastic spreader looks as painful as my butter paddle thingy. An avoid at all costs! You see, Barney was thinking of you, he homed straight in on the ouch factor! But it's true, you do seem to have a cast iron bottom. I know I would have been screeching two smacks in!

    (It's still raining here and grey skies!)

    Many hugs Will, Ami

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    1. I'll deal with your comments directed toward me first Ami..lol

      To be quite honest, I'm surprised that you are the first one to chastise me, outside of Barney on this incident. I wish I had a cast iron bottom, that would probably look better in a bathing suit!

      As for YOU. I know you don't want to hear it, but time while seems to fly in some circles of life, at the beginning of ttwd it can seem to crawl. We are 3 months in, and this is a first for us. Trust me that Barney and I have gone through different versions of the same episodes you and Starman have. AND not to be a negative Nellie, but just because I was punished this time, doesn't mean that the next time a break a rule things will lead to this again. It is not for the impatient or the faint of heart ttwd.

      Have faith that the sun will shine again. Sometimes that is all we have :)

      BIG BIG Hugs Ami. Please try not to cry. Easier said than done. Things aren't perfect anywhere. Don't desire- rather hope :)

      Willie

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  20. Hello everyone

    I promise I have been reading your comments and reflecting on them. I can't respond right now because my emotions are all over the map, and therefore my thoughts seem to follow suit.

    I think perhaps I'll try to write another post to figure out, well myself... and then I'll come back to address and thank each of you individually I promise.

    Know that I am forever touched once again by your outpouring of support.

    Willie

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  21. Sorry Wilma, but Ana is completely right. Here are some more Darts, where shall I hang my picture? Maybe Barney needs some darts too?
    This spanking was so drenched in all kinds of stress, that it was impossible to reach the goal.
    The stress about the spanking itself, took away all the guilt washing possibilities the spanking should have had.

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    1. You are just trying to be Barney's favourite commenter !

      Next time he said. While I am a decent enough dart player, I'd prefer a more hands on approach to deal with you two *wink*

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  22. Oh honey...you know I've been sooo sick and I'm just getting back into blogland. I'm sorry that I missed this post and supporting you. I know what it feels like to beat yourself up about something like that.

    I'll tell you a secret - the one and only discipline spanking I've experienced resulted from too much drinking. Only, I did the opposite of you - I had too much to drink at home, with Will.

    Three glasses of wine equals a fun, vivacious, sexy Elisa. Four equals an emotional, argumentative, caught-up-in-past-hurts Elisa. That time, I had four drinks far two quickly and a great evening turned into a World War III fight - but only from me. Will held firm to our creed and did not regress to our former fighting style. I regressed ALL THE WAY.

    I felt horrible the next morning. Terribly guilty. I was so unfair to him, so mean - and I could only remember half of what I had said. Hello, Elisa! Unacceptable behavior. :(

    I came to him and apologized, and told him that if he decided to spank me I fully consented as was our agreement with this type of arguing. He seemed to waver for a moment, but then he lectured me and told me he'd meet me upstairs. I was shaking uncontrollably. Then, I was soundly spanked (you know Will would never use terrible implements on me) with his hand and it was awful! It hurt more than I could even have imagined.

    Now, I'm a spanko and we've had all kinds of fun sessions with implements that lasted much longer. But this hurt FAR worse!

    I think much of the hurt was actually emotional, because I felt so incredibly bad for what I did. And, like you, my emotions were all over the place and I was very much needing him afterward. And he was there for me, emotionally and physically. And I learned that as much as a spanking hurts - words hurt far worse.

    Anyway, I'm hi-jacking your post. Just wanted to say that I SO understand this, and the drinking more than you intended to - especially when it rarely happens! And the emotions, and all of it.

    I'm glad that Barney followed through - if only to show you how invested he is in you and your marriage.

    Forgive me for a way too long, self-centered comment. I'm still on pain killers!

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  23. No need to worry about hijacking with me. I might be known to do it myself from time to time, without a painkiller excuse!

    Thanks for sharing.

    We are fine- or more than fine...and different, how I'm not sure yet, but different nonetheless. After many comments from others I believe I'm not loosing my mind ( as if there was much to loose in the first place) just changing. Evolving perhaps...or returning. Whatever the term is.

    Glad to hear you are finally feeling a bit better

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