So enter New Years Eve. Barney was working. I was having 3 other people over for dinner and then we were going 'across the street' to ring in the new year. I had two ultra light Canadian beer- 3% . I then decided I should just switch to our dinner wine. Dinner took longer to make it to the table than it should have perhaps for my alcohol intake. To make a long story short(er) my wine glass always seemed to be filled. I don't remember leaving the dinner table. I didn't make it to the other party. When Barney arrived home he found our 15 year old son at home, not at the neighbourhood party because he didn't want to leave me. I was apparently violently ill. Only I don't remember any of that. Yes my halo is long gone.
The next morning when I woke up, violently ill again, something that would be repeated throughout the day until late afternoon, I saw a very concerned husband looking at me. He climbed into bed to hold his no doubt gross wife...lol.. I couldn't stop crying, no sobbing. Repeating over and over that I was sorry. He recounted what he found when he came home. How disappointed he was in me. I sobbed even louder. I told him how I hated how ttwd makes me feel sometimes. He just chuckled and stroked my hair.
" Are you mad ?"
Lots more sobbing...and apologizing.
" Am I in trouble?"
" I'd have to think so, yes "
Later in the day- I was still in bed, still so very sick and sore. He came back to hold me a while longer. He explained how he understood how this could happen. It is not like I was doing shooters. That he's been there where wine sneaks up on you. He then began to talk about his schedule, and how Thursday looked like that would be the first time for us to be able to have some time, if the opportunity presents itself.
" Do you mean maintenance? "
"No. Not this time"
So throughout the day, before he left for work, I kept asking if he was still mad. His response was yes. Yikes. He said " It is hard to stay mad AT you, but I don't like this situation"
I know in the past that he has always disliked seeing me like that. I used to get, " Wilma, what have you done to yourself. You have to be more careful"...now it looks like he is going to make sure I am.
I could see the wheels turning on Weds. morning before he left for work. He was mentioning how he understood again how I could have let this happen, not getting up from the table, someone filling my glass constantly, the fact that I was probably weak still because I was sick after Christmas. He also said that he's not perfect and it has happened to him. I was very nervous and confused. As much as I don't want to be punished, I don't think I want him not to go through with what he said he was going to do.
" So what exactly are you saying?" my emotions were all over the place at this point. Like I desperately wanted something, yet I didn't. I didn't want to further force his hand, but I did feel so incredibly guilty. I was expected at a party, I had so many phone calls on New Years Day checking up on me. I had robbed my son of his party. I had my friends worried. My husband, worried and angry. To sum it up a perfect Wilma Guilt Storm was brewing.
He then went on to LITERALLY tell me what he meant...lol...MEN!
" No I mean, about Thursday. What does this mean about Thursday" I can't still say spanking at times.
" Oh, well it is going to happen. I can understand how you got to the point you were on New Years Eve, but in the past we had no consequences for poor choices. Now we have something in place, to deal with things- that we agreed on . Right?"
So here I sit. Happy that my husband has decided that this is what he feels right. Anxious about the event. Not so much about pain, just the event, if that makes any sense. I still feel horrible - not physically- just a waste of a night...and not just any night New Years. I let down so many people. Myself included. I want that look off of my husband's face when we talk about it. I feel awful , that my husband is about to do something he really doesn't want to. Then there is part of me, who even though I brought this entire idea to Barney, that is having an out of body experience. Like I am watching two different people interact. It is all so confusing. So foreign. I'm worried that this isn't going to 'work' and then I wonder what 'work' even means. I want ttwd to bring us closer, what if it doesn't...? I mean I'm supposed to have a clean slate after this punishment is over. But before ttwd, I wouldn't have allowed myself to feel, and ask Barney how he felt about all of this.
On a lighter note. We have to get the boys out of the house to deal with this situation.
James Bond to the rescue yet again!
Cost of 3 movie tickets $27
Price of movie snacks for 3 teenage-type boys, $45.
Being able to Spank your wife's butt without the worry of interruption....
Yup, one expensive spanking coming up............
Barney has gone to drop the boys off. I have to be perfectly honest with you, right now I am freakin' out. Not entirely sure why. I am certainly not afraid of my husband- nor am actually of the spanking. I have yet to get one that has been 'that' bad. Perhaps because today is a punishment and there is an emotion behind it it will be different. I'm not sure WHY I am feeling this, or what exactly 'this' is. ----- Ironically, if feel like I could use a drink....<~~ I know right?
***********Later in the Day************
We stopped several times because, well without talking it felt cold- impersonal. Initially Barney thought that we wouldn't have to rehash the original event, because he knew it hasn't left my mind. *Note to HoHs out there- we still need to hear how our transgressions have affected you, our relationship etc. So we continued once again. I was beginning to 'break' if you will with his words- sort of , but then he stopped. He was concerned that my skin looked awful...like it was about to break. Personally, it merely felt a tad stingy.
Was there too much pressure around this event? Perhaps. But I was a walking basket case for 2 days, I'm not sure it would have taken much. I guess I still have a lot to learn about letting my guard down. There was an incident right after, while snuggled in his arms that made me angry. Luckily, I was able to voice that to him, and he somewhat understood my reasoning why.
Anyway, we are going to discuss some new and revamp some old rules today. So all is not lost. This was a huge step for Barney. One that he said he didn't like, but is anxious to see results from in the future.( Like he's going to have many opportunities, married to THIS angel )
I feel....I don't know..............unresolved. I suppose it is up to me to figure out a way to fix that feeling.