For quite some time now I have been 'off'. I had the opportunity to blame Horror Moans for a while. The time has past so to speak to use that line of thinking, and yet I'm still off. Besides Horror Moans make me anxious not weepy. I know, when HAVEN'T I been weepy in the past 4 months?
Initially I was going to write a post about the Little Voice versus the Bully's Voice. My heart versus my head. I was truly wondering if I could be submissive. Don't get me wrong, I am still an angel * wink * , and the outward acts of submission come natural to me, as well, it is practically in my 'job' description. I also know these things are important to Barney, because whenever I appear to be 'off' he jumps into action and takes over my 'chores'. To me this says that he feels these 'little' things I do are an expression of my love. So in that way I have no problem. The Little Voice is actually very strong in these areas. " Light the candles he loves that", " Iron his shirts, so he doesn't have to" I know you would think that I should be ironing, but he said," no, no rule, I have time if you don't want to.' This week I messed up. One day I plain forgot. I forgot things that I did even before ttwd! I normally make the coffee, I'm up first, always. I take out his cup, and cream. If he is working during the day I make a breakfast/snack type bag for him to take. I make sure he has clothes ironed and ready to go....all of it forgotten. Barney wasn't angry or anything, he merely remarked that if I wasn't going to iron his shirts to let him know, because he had gotten used to them being ready. I explained to him I honestly thought he had a yellow dress shirt ( which he apparently wore the day before and I didn't even notice- even more odd because it is one of my favourites on him). I also thought he was working an hour later than he was that day. He said he understood, as he usually does work later on that day of the week.
This all bothered me though. I explained to a friend that I felt like I was hung over ( I know another booze reference..go with the normal disclaimer here). You know the type of hang over where you just had maybe one too many drinks the night before and there are cob webs in your head ? You walk around in a haze, doing what needs to be done ( oops okay maybe not that particular day) but the effort is minimal. No one else around you seems to notice- or so you tell yourself. You keep talking mini naps in the hopes that THIS time when you wake up your head will be clear. She yelled at me ( well in type ) " YES ! the FOG !!" Okay so at least this part of me was 'normal'. I continued in ' the fog' most of the week. I stepped up the visual submission-> house in good order by the time Barney came home, dinner in the oven, candles lit, music on, hair the way he likes it, normal clothes on not comfy clothes, his drink ready to be made....BUT distant hug when he came in.
What in the world was wrong with me? The weather has been flipping freezing here, like most of Central/Eastern North America. My husband has been heading out in it every day this week not only to go to work but leaving several times in the morning before his normal departure time to drive our boys to school--all 3 have different start times! And yet, I can't melt into his arms when he comes through the door? What message are you sending to him? This cycle has been on repeat since our 'reconnection' last week. Yup pretty much started the next day actually.
So fast forward to the first lie. Like I said I had been weepy all week. HUGE blow out from Heir to the Throne, apparently every mistake he has been making lately- or dumb choices as I put it ( my bad)- he is not owning up to. The fact that he is grounded totally sidelined because it was my fault he doesn't have use of the laptop. I apparently call him dumb constantly ( I don't..but I also know how his mind works, he hears a word and changes it around ). He went on about never wanting to share anything with me....Barney finally came upstairs to tell him to watch his tone. At this point I couldn't give a flying leap about his tone it was what he was saying that hurt. I won't even justify his comments with points to the contrary- but as I have mentioned before he and I are both dyslexic so his entire primary learning was on me. I knew how to reach him. We were two peas in a pod so understanding him was easy for me- we WERE very close. This was more than a surface wound to me...(I know he's a teen and he knows how to push buttons). While Barney and Heir to the Throne were in the hall discussing not referring to me as " HER", I was behind our bedroom door .....crying.
The Little Voice said to go to Barney. This is what we both need. This is what ttwd is about. I couldn't. I was frozen. For over an hour I cried. This time I wasn't even pining for Barney to come and check on me. Why would he? I've never reacted that way before. I wasn't deep in thought, aside from thinking of the hours I put in with our son in the early years- I suppose justifying my hurt. My Little Voice kept talking, and yet I didn't move.
Barney came to bed later and asked if I was okay- I'm not a pretty crier. I swear I am allergic to my own tears! I shook my head no. He asked what was wrong..I just said our son's name. He kissed my hair and made some comment, and that was it. I'm not upset with that.
Last night when Barney came home from work, dinner was ready to go. I had moved the laptop from the 'cozy' basement into the sunny living room yesterday and that seemed to help my mood during the day. However things fell apart once he walked through the door. He was earlier than normal, I should have been happy- only I wasn't. I was in the middle of making chocolate frosting for a cake I had made for dessert- it wasn't going well. The kitchen wasn't the way I wanted it to be when he came home....he didn't care about any of that.
He informed me that he didn't have the day off that I asked him to take off. I have to go for Jury selection ( I know right? pffft....I should just bring them a blog post- problem solved). I am extremely nervous. The likelihood that I will be chosen is slim, I realize that. It is the thought of being responsible for someone else's fate that doesn't sit well with me. I was once a witness in a court case...a key witness, and I hated every minute of it. ( Sidenote I did get a chuckle from the Crown Attorney and a thumbs up from the Constable on case with one of my answers---after the prosecuting attorney ticked me off with his condescending tone and line of questioning---Barney did the palm to the forehead move in the background *wink*)
Barney then disappeared into the basement, never to return. He usually sits with me while I finish dinner. That and another emotional trigger had me running for the hills so to speak. I ate a piece of cake, dished out 4 plates, and left. I ran a bath for myself. It was deep and hot. I told myself I was cold and this would warm me up to lay out in the tub. Only I didn't lay out. I sat in deep bath, bubbles all around, knees to my chest, tears streaming down my face.
I knew what was wrong with me. I was/am scared to tell my husband something. I am afraid it might be hurtful to him. That is part of it, initially, but moreover what it says about me. I have read such beautiful posts from women who have been married much longer than I. How they were perhaps 'shrews' for many years in their marriage. How now they see their husbands in an entirely different light. How they practically shout from the hill tops their love for them. I don't know if I will ever be that person. Don't get me wrong here, I do love my husband...I just don't know if I will ever be able to be that 'free'. To not be so reserved.
I grew up in a home where I was most definitely loved. I have come to just realize that my Mother showed her love by doing things for us. I don't remember being cuddled- not to say I wasn't. The first time I remember my Mom telling me " I love you" was about a year after my Dad died. It came at the end of a phone conversation. I was shocked. Now I'm not saying she didn't say it to be before that day, but 21 years later, I remember this phone call.
While I was in the tub these things started coming to me. I was the same way. I 'do' things for people that I love all the time. I step out of my comfort zone to help my friends and family, sacrificing a great deal at times to do so. What I don't do is say " I love you" My cousin will phone and will end her conversation specifically with that. I will respond " love ya too" but even that is not flowing so easily.
I then remembered this horrible incident. When we brought Heir to the Throne home, we of course were ecstatic like any new parents. But I had to get up the courage to tell my new born baby, who couldn't understand me anyway, that I loved him. I mean, saying, "Mommy loves you" was one thing...but I had to actually practice.. I. Love. You. Isn't that truly awful? WHAT is wrong with me? Afraid to say specific words. So if I had to practice it until it became 'natrural' with the most adorable creature in the world-the one God gave us just for the sole purpose of loving...how on earth am I going to be able to shout it from the hill top that I love my husband ? More importantly am I going to ever get there...to feel free with my emotions? It is not a great feeling.
I suppose it is 'great' that I know the source of my angst, and knowledge is power. That being said, it has me more sad than I ever remember being. I have been not opening up to my husband because of this? I am protecting myself from what exactly? I WANT to be that woman. I guess I know how to try to get there..by opening up to him. It isn't an easy thing for me at all. This part of ttwd is NOT natural for me...
Off to the confession, and the lie. After my bath I went into our room. I needed to be alone, well sort of . I had planned to go find Barney later. I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to 'share' but the not so Little Voice told me to seek him out. He beat me to it. He asked me if I was sliding down the slope. I told him no, I was just tired. LIE. Well I was tired but that is most likely from all the hidden crying I had been doing for a week. He eventually left. I kept putting a time on when I would seek him out, but always came up with an excuse not to go. The biggest, and perhaps most legitimate excuse was that I didn't want an audience.
Later in bed, when I snuggled into his side as he watched some ridiculous show, I warred with myself. I knew that I had to tell him I lied. That I was sliding very rapidly down that slope. I was stubbornly holding back. Eventually I found my words. After a great deal of silence and arm rubbing on his part, he told me he was happy I told him.
" Do you know why you are sliding down this slope ?"
" No" Another Lie.
In my defense, I was going to tell him....in a bit. I just needed more time. I mean how does one explain to your husband that you are afraid you are incapable of freely loving someone? I fought back my tears for a good half hour laying on his chest. I never did manage to get the words to cross my lips. I eventually fell asleep due to sheer exhaustion.
This morning Barney told me I looked better. Happier. I just smiled. I said " A bit perhaps"