Friday, January 4, 2013

Its Official - I've Lost My Bloody Mind

  Yup...I've completely gone insane. That is the only logical explanation.  I think perhaps the insanity gene, much like a blood clot, was lodged somewhere in my posterior and when I was spanked, it became dislodged and ended in its rightful spot ( don't say it was already in my brain when it was in my bum) in my brain.

I'll back it up a bit for you.  Yesterday after 'the event'  I did finally turn into Barney and he held me for a bit. A tear or two may have fallen.  Suddenly there was someone at the front door.  I was about to type,* here I was trying to be vulnerable<- interesting isn't it- we'll come back to that in a bit*- here I was half naked, generating more heat from my buns than an Easy Bake Oven, encased in his embrace and he decides he might want to answer the door ?  To say I was upset might be a tad understating it.  So I mentioned, through tight teeth, " who cares who's at the door- probably for the kids anyway ",  all the while thinking, 'oh sure if this was foreplay you wouldn't have even HEARD the bloody door bell'.

 After maintenance, I usually stay on my stomach for a bit and he rubs my back, then I basically redress- if that is the way things are playing out that day.  This time, I lay there for a while, stray tears appearing, and then eventually turned into him.  I wanted to be there.  I really did, but something was there with me too.  Eventually I went and finished my blog post.

One of the many lovely ladies who checked up on me offered me the advice of patience. No not until next time-  I believe she said something like " sometimes the head takes a while to catch up to the bum".  She was right. I hadn't really built a wall like I feared.  I had 'merely' closed the curtains on this little production.

About an hour or so later,  I could feel the curtain opening, but I knew Barney had to go pick up the boys.  When he left, I went to nap, I was so exhausted.  I dozed for 20 minutes or so.  When Barney returned I wanted to climb inside his skin.  I couldn't get close enough.  Things seemed better then. I realized earlier that I was trying to be vulnerable, but I was unwilling at the same time to give myself completely over to my feelings.  Perhaps I was still in a physical pain-blocking mode.

As the night progressed, we awkwardly stumbled around some issues we were trying to clarify.  We lightly chatted about other issues, but it was unusual for us.  I could feel my emotions near the surface.  ALL of them.  What the heck was the matter with me?  I decided to COMMUNICATE this to my husband,

" I don't know what is wrong with me?  It is like all of my emotions are perched on the head of a pin, and at anytime one of them is going to fall off and explode out' <-  my analogies in my emotional state clearly need work!

" I noticed that you were....well 'off'.  "

" yeah"

" Like frustrated."

" Sometimes, but it is all of my emotions.  It is the weirdest thing"

" Well it makes if very difficult for me- because I am afraid of what I might say"

Okay so I can totally understand that.  He must have already felt in  foreign territory himself .  Then he mentioned something about understanding about my age, and hormones. I couldn't help myself, I burst out laughing. Like really laughing.  Snorting and everything! After about a minute, he said,

" Can't we just have a normal conversation?"

The laughter died, the incredible hurt set in and the tears started again.  Now I tell you this not because I need  people to choose a side or whatnot, but merely as examples of how my emotions are CRAZY at the moment!  Like Loco?  WTheck?

It didn't get any better from there.  I physically retreated.  (I know, I know.)  

We both went to bed early last night.  Not much was said. We weren't angry with each other, just drained I think.

I had sent a crazy email off to a dear friend, and fell asleep before its  response. Not that it took long, I was mentally fatigued.  I was unsettled and I didn't know what to do with myself. Around 3 am I woke up.  Still unsettled.  I read her email and then a comment written that Blue Bird wrote on my blog post yesterday.

In the wee hours of the morning the two 'comments' although different, had made a connection for me.  I no longer felt guilty, ( well not overly) about New Years Eve.  I had already apologized to my friends.  They were just sorry I couldn't be there with them.  As for my son, he said he was back and forth, and it didn't really matter to him ( mentally he's way more advanced than the kids his age- I know spoken like a true mother, but it is true, he gets tired of some of their 'antics') and he did stay there once his Dad came home.  But the issue of feeling unresolved was that I was more concerned, I think, with putting Barney in that position.  How hard it was for him, especially because he had long forgiven me.  Perhaps he was tentative, or perhaps I just saw that.  Blue Bird's comments, as well as the email, made me realize that as the TiH here, I am to be just that- Taken In Hand.

I know that this is a learning curve for both Barney and I , and we are at the bottom  So this all takes time.  I think anyway, that I needed to see my HoH yesterday, not worry about him.  I'm not sure how that is going to happen, but we'll figure it out somehow.

Now back to my emotions....HOOOOOOOOOOO Nellie!  First off let me apologize for thoughts I may have had over the past year reading other's blogs.  The thought that " you were JUST spanked! How on earth could you get into trouble AGAIN the same day?"  I soooooooo get it now.  Those emotions are all brought right to the surface.  All vying for an outlet.  Happiness, anger, weepiness ( <- I suppose that is a state of mind not an emotion).  And for your HoH...that must send him into a state of extreme frustration a well as being overly cautious. The feeling like things could go very bad, very fast- like holding a package of fireworks in one hand and a lit candle in the other on a breezy day!

My emotions were swirling around like clothes in a dryer, and every time we talked, the door opened and an new article of clothing came flying out!  Barney was not ready for that.  And just like clothes in the dryer open mid-cycle my emotions weren't finished being processed

To further complicate things we tried to discuss where we were going in this new year.  Before Barney left for work on New Years Eve, we had talked about our future in ttwd do.  About how things were going to be different.  The need to ' pick it up a bit' if we really wanted to experience the growth in our relationship that we both desire.  I teased, that , " Your wife is out of control"....

He laughed, patted my bum, and said, " OH  I  KNOW !"

Things in the figurative sense were good.  Last night when we tried to discuss actual things, even though I kept saying that it was up to him....I really wasn't relinquishing control of the discussion.  This added to both of our frustrations.  Yes a more experienced HoH, would most likely have 'shut me down'- I realized that after, but my thoughts were NOT coherent at the time.  I liken it to this

 My emotions were swirling- like being on a merry go round at the park ( btw...that always made me sick as a kid- turns out emotionally it does the same thing as an adult).  By trying to take control of the situation, it made me stop the spinning for a bit.  However the sudden stop of the merry go around of emotions, did the same thing as the sudden stop of  an actual merry go round.  It made me feel awful.  I suppose I just needed to let the emotions stop swirling on their own so that I could settle.

Am I blaming the spanking on this?  HECK yes!  LOL...but I don't regret it. I just had no idea that so much would be wrapped up in this action.  You hear of the 'clean slate' and think of how nice that will be.  I had never received the 'disappointed in you' speech in my entire life.  That was definitely a hard one to take.  Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I think I haven't disappointed people in my past- I'm certain I have.  I have just never experienced so many emotions all at once-  well I suppose outside of grieving.   It is certainly a lot to process.  Even with a clean slate

I know we have to communicate these things to each other.  We will. We have been.  Sometimes it just takes a while to stop spinning so the logic can come out not just the emotions.  We are so new to this- and although we are in this together, sometimes I feel ( probably incorrectly) that I have to figure out things on my own first.

Perhaps next time ( I mean really what are the odds of me getting spanked again in 2013 ?   Steve- we will not be accepting your calls).....anyway, perhaps next time we will BOTH be able to handle this if necessary

Thank you all for your amazing support yesterday.  I am truly blessed and touched to know so many people that would take the time to comment, offer insight and help... and yes, even Ana and Bas...sheeeeesh!  wink



  1. I have been reading this and the former post up and down, down and up and even sideways, but alas no wise advice comes to my mind.
    So, the only thing I can say is:
    Start looking for your bloody mind, you seem to have mislaid it!
    Hugs for you and my admiration for Barney

    1. Yeah..I'm just not sure how to respond to this one Bas

    2. Don't mind the kind of nonsense I'm saying, I lost my mind already a long time ago.
      Fortunately there's a lot of wisdom in the following comments.

  2. My M is always telling me to stop worrying about him, to stop trying to figure out what he needs, to stop changing my reactions based on how he's doing. He keeps reminding me that it's a way of continuing to control...well...everything. He can handle it, he will learn and grow too and it is not up to me to "help" him be the HoH.

    I usually remember for about 24 hours before I go back at it again. :) No kidding, even after getting paddled for doing it!

    Knowing that you are doing this is pretty cool Willie. You got so worried about the position you were putting him in that you couldn't experience the whole thing through your own eyes. You kept trying to see it through his as well.

    I'm so glad that time gave you some resolve and all those emotions are completely and totally normal. I'm convinced that so many of us are made this way and that the stuffing we've done for years and years is imposed and societal, not natural at all. It's not that we should be uncontrolled, but with our men, stretching and figuring this out, it's the best way. Just be. Laugh one minute, bawl the next. Welcome to the club Willie!

    Have I told you lately that you two are doing awesome? You are!

    1. This afternoon after much catch up reading from both blog posts and the multiple comments, Barney told me that I don't need to worry about him.
      It wasn't easy, or something he enjoys, but he can handle it :) I don't know if I was trying to control the situation by worrying, I suppose it can be seen as a lack of faith though.

      The worry, basically gave me an out of body experience- emotionally I suppose. I'm thinking it might not happen next time- as it isn't beneficial to either of us. Easier said then done though.

      Barney said to me as I lay in his arms, that the change in me has been huge in the past 4 months. That was nice to hear, even if it is hard to believe at times. We have figured out a few things that we might have done 'incorrectly' for us last evening. How our responses to each other were heightened and how we fed off of each others erratic feelings...okay MY erratic feelings that lead to frustration within him. We both had a good laugh over his hormone comment today !

      While communication is key it might not always be the immediate answer. Time might need to be given first.

      Your support and understanding has been such a blessing for me Susie! Thank you

  3. It will take awhile I think for conversations to start to feel normal again. Right now, you are both tip toeing through the field looking for land mines. That is the way it feels for both of us anyway. You are rediscovering who you both really are underneath. I think in the beginning all of both your words and actions are excruciatingly heightened. It can make you feel stretched taunt and difficult to breath. It does take a lot to get past the emotions to see the logic, days and days for me. Painful.
    One step at a time and talk, talk, talk, and no more turning away from him!
    Remember he is your giant hanky, use him. I am sure he doesn't like that analogy very much. : ) Sorry Barney.
    I am glad something I wrote clicked for you.: )
    Love and many hugs and yes I just woke up,

    1. Must be nice...just woke up! Sheesh I was awake again by 8 after our early morning 'gabfest'.

      I eventually turned to Barney- okay that's stretching the truth, I was willing to be approached and he did. We just needed the smoke to clear. Sometimes fanning it away doesn't work. Sometimes it takes time to clear the air before we can 'see' each other. I'd like to say lesson learned, but next time it could be completely different. AH what a FUN adventure eh?

      Many hugs to you my friend and love back


    2. Not nice! I am starting to suffer for my week of decadence!

  4. At this moment in time who am I to give any advice?! If someone out there could bottle emotions, they'd be a multi-millionaire! I'm washed completely dry. What I want to know is, does this happen forever? Because I don't think I'll survive it!

    Bum better yet Willie?

    Hugs, Ami

    1. Oh Ami

      It can't possibly last forever, or ttwd would be dead in the water! I'm sure there will be times of stumble, but the good WILL out weigh the bad. Have Faith.

      I'm feeling much better today if that makes you feel better. VERY submissive, soft and very, very, feminine. As for my looks horrid! LOL but it doesn't hurt. Stupid genetics!

      I enjoyed your email! I promise to answer back now that my head is on straight.

      Now go to Starman and ask him for a big hug- pretend it is from me...Oh wait, ask him to get on his knees first!

  5. Now that you have experienced the emotional fallout, you will be prepared better the next time; Barney will be also. Getting through what you and Barney just did is huge. Don't overanlalyze it, just look at it enough to understand parts of it so that you have it for the next time you feel this way. You're not alone, and you didn't lose your mind. It just gained a little more wisdom and understanding. You and Barney are doing great!

    1. Thank you Jacquie ! I choose to believe in everything you said. Although I did truly feel like I was loosing my mind. Phew. I'm glad it is all over.

  6. Well, as nuts and incoherent as you feel right now...or at the the time...I assure you that it is all normal. The good news is normal is going to take on a whole new meaning in your house! Sometimes it just takes awhile to sink in the totality of what transpired. I find myself so focused on getting through the spanking and trying no to be mad and everything else....that when it is over I have not let myself feel with my mind what it needed to feel. Then an hour down the road I will go search him out and ask him to hold me AND then cry. Also, I will accept your apology for wondering what the heck was wrong with me when I have multiple run ins with Ryan in a row ;) See?? I am not that bad ;) Quit laughing.....

    But gosh, this is just so good...can I say that? This was so huge...and you all are working through it and communicating....keep talking and keep listening. So darn proud of both of you I may burst...but then we have Gracie to think I am trying to keep it all in check.

    Not a lot of wise advice or anything here....but I wanted you to know I am shaking my head and understanding exactly what you have written. I guess that just proves I am as crazy as you! Yay me!

    Lots of love....and tell Barney I said I am proud :)


    1. So THIS is supposed to make me feel better? That based on YOU I am normal? LOL.

      Thank you you nut. You're support is always appreciated.

      AS for bursting with keep our girl in there for another little while yet! She's not done. I mean, I'll be making you proud for months to come yet *wink*

      Love back at ya!

      Oh, Barney said, with a chuckle " Proud? Tell her thanks"

  7. I was just thinking, you know you are both in the same place. Neither one of you has more experience. It is hard on both sides, wondering if this is the way it is supposed to be. I mean you cannot know exactly how you will respond intellectually or emotionally until it happens! The hard part for Barney is he probably feels like he is supposed to have all the answers.
    Just observations, no wise sage advice!

    1. Actually Minelle,

      Today Barney reiterated to me that in reading these past few blog posts, he finds that he and I are on the same page of understanding. He said that before my posts offered something that shocked him about how I was thinking or perceiving things. This hasn't happened as of late. I guess that is huge when I think of it. *OR* I'm dragging him into insanity with me *wink*

  8. There's tons of 'old' stuff that needs to be excavated. And it's a process, it takes time...I'm still carrying some stuff...clutching it madly to my chest...he's determined I let it go...I'll get there, lol.

    But seriously, the most important thing is to become aware of the way we process things, what happens in our heads, then we can begin to change how we see it and how we react. It's all growth, and it's all good....even if if feels less than great right now.


    1. I think there is truth in all of that, um well I can't say about you..*wink* but certainly about me.

      It has been a while since I have experienced a painful growth in ttwd.

      This one, if indeed it is growth, was oh so very internally messy! Once we get the wind back in our sails we are looking forward to reaping the benefits.

      Thanks June

  9. Susie's M made some excellent points as did the others above - still laughing at Bas's. :D

    Bottom line - you both got through it, you need to let go of any guilt and in the future, you need to find time, even if it's 3am, to deal with infractions sooner - you had waaaay too much time to over-think everthing. Oh and control? That belongs to Barney, not you... ;)

    Ever heard the old saying? "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." Onward and upward...

    BTW - The chances of you getting a spanking in 2013? Hmmmm...'bout the same as me stubbing my toe on my desk, which I do on a daily basis. LOL

    Hugs and Blessings,

    1. Hmmmm? Bossy boots! I might come over and start rearranging your furniture while you're out..yes, yes, I have to find you so you aren't worried- know mentally I am doing it anyway...

      BUT now you can think about my bum every time you stub your toe this year. HA!

      Seriously though, you made some excellent points. As for dealing with it at 3 am, well that would just be rude to ignore Blue Bird in chat, if I was awake! Barney zoned right in on the control 'belongs to Barney not you' (warning HoH monster on the horizon)

      Hugs back, oh sorry was that your sore toe I stepped on there?


  10. Willie,
    This thing is happening to you and Barney. It is a journey, and you are on it, my friend. He is becoming a strong Hoh, and you need to worry about being his submissive wife, not worry about how he is handling things, or if he wants to do it. Obviously, he loves you madly.
    Be happy, sweetie and buckle your seat belt, it can be bumpy.
    love and big hugs

    1. Hahaa...Um, thanks Lillie!

      Obviously I still need to work on a few, um, control issues?

      Taking the big hugs, and giving back the love


  11. Wow - two days of work and one night being away from home and there's so much to read and catch up on!
    Lots of good advices and perspectives here in the comments as well - so, not to be lame, but all I have to offer is - Here ya go!
    Welcome to the ever complicated lifestyle that is Dd, ttwd, TiH whatever you want to call it!

    You wrote about so many emotions swirling? It's a good thing really, in the long run I promise!
    Each time you get through things like this with Barney, you are strengthening your relationship.

    Think of it like one little thread at a time.
    Soon you will have a whole years worth of quilted little experiences that you two have overcome and then grown with.
    Then you can have a lovely little Dd quilt to cover up with!!


    sorry for the sewing references!

    1. Yeah, Emi!

      Where the heck have you been ? Grab a glove and get in the game!

      Oh wait, it is I that has been finally able to go out into the field. Yep, mood swings for sure. All is good now though. We are fine. More than fine actually :)

      Well a Dd quilt to cover up in sounds way better than a pillow to smother with!

      Love Willie

  12. Willie, such great coments above. I don't know what I can add. Glad you seem to be in a better place now. The emotions are overwhelming aren't they? I also think you are struggling a bit with how ttwd makes us vulnerable. It takes time to embrace those feelings.


    1. I think you are right there Roz, about the vulnerability. The more I think about it, after some great advice/ comment, my emotions were at war with each other..Or head verses heart.

      Love Willie seeing Scrappy on my blog! Too cute!

  13. Wow, we so often worry about how others perceive us and I think sometimes we project much tougher perceptions of our behavior on to others than we should. I think we often mentally beat ourselves up (I know I do more often than I'd like to admit) for something and we think our thoughts about are it the same as the person we love's thoughts about it. I am starting to learn that is usually not the case.

    I am not saying we shouldn't be sorry and apologize when we have done something we shouldn't. What I am saying is if the shoe were on the other foot how often would we just forgive the other person and move on and how often would we feel that when faced with true contrition that we need to punish them some more, just so they know they messed up? It's so easy for me to forget that.

    Perhaps that should be my new year's resolution: to let people forgive me and not feel like they shouldn't have.

    Thanks for a great post and real food for thought.

    1. Wow Cygnet you have some excellent musings in there.

      Your thoughts brought to the forefront of my mind something I have been pondering for a while, I *think* I project a tougher image onto to others than I actually do, therefore I have a hard time projecting the softer one. If that makes any sense without knowing me face to face?

      I mean I've said something about being tough or hard, and have had friends um, well laugh at me! lol

  14. Hey Willie - what can I say?
    We're emotional - we wear our hearts on our sleeves, we feel, we react - that's what it means to be alive.
    So you're going through some emotional turmoil - that's life!
    (You sounded ok to me earlier today LOL)
    I'm sure you'll find your light at the end of the tunnel. Why shouldn't you?
    You're a clever, warm and compassionate woman - and you have a great sense of humor. Take it as it comes and move on. That's the ticket!

    Jill (you know - Jack's Jill :0)

    1. LOL Jill that is life indeed! And boy oh boy to we LIVE it now with ttwd!

      I was fine this morning when I talked to you! It was a difficult few days for me emotionally. We are on the other side and moving on.

      Thanks for the compliments btw. They made this sunny day even brighter!


  15. Hey Willie

    All the comments above are what I would have said...really :)

    The emotions are a pain in the rear...yep, right there.
    Being vulnerable and accepting that you are in a place of vulnerability sometimes is hard to accept. Especially when you are normally a 'strong' person.

    You are doing fine, and are just 'normal'..hahahahaha sorry, why do I find that funny?
    Good luck with dealing with those emotions and know that we are all here for you :)

    Hugs Willie

  16. Why on earth do you people have such a hard time using normal in my comment section when describing me? *wink*

    Yes I am normal, I've realized that now through everyone's comments. When you are at home, trying to cope with this initially it is very difficult to believe this is 'normal'. Thank you M3 and everyone for supporting me.

    Such an grab bag of an adventure ttwd is. You just never know what is going to happen next emotionally.

    Lillie I might need a helmet as well as a seat belt.


  17. Well since I am a crazy person who is constantly confusing my husband (just keeping him on his toes), I wish that I could give any advice at all. I feel sorry for my husband because he ahs to put up with me. So I guess I have no great words of advice. But I will tell you, I do care about you and that I love reading your blog and seeing your growth.

  18. Well crazies stick together...sometimes that is all that is needed! Knowing we are not crazy alone!

    Thank you so much for your concern and kind words. I very much enjoy when you have the time to stop by and comment ( and not just because you always say something so sweet).


  19. I'm just going to say what everyone is thinking but may be afraid to say


    After all, you do have "free" healthcare.

    As far as the odds of you getting spanked in 2013, Steven is placing his money on 100%.