Monday, January 14, 2013

Panic at The Disco

I know this might seem like a total switch in conversation and emotion from my last 3 posts, but I believe that is how I got here.  After reading many comments on my last post, I feel I'm not going to be too liked by expressing my frustration.

I am very close to throwing in the towel.  Yes, honestly.  I know we all go through this, and this may seem like some sort of temper tantrum, rebellion or means of exercising some control.  Perhaps it is all three.  I know once again that I am not unique.  I also know that the things I am about to express will illicit anger and frustration from some, understanding in the form of ' I have so been there' from others. Multiple comments on communication, patience and understanding the other side from even more.  That is what we do in this community.  Understand and try to coax others in the direction that is most beneficial for their relationship. Disclaimer has been posted now for the nitty gritty.


Last week I was on the edge.  Quite literally.  Things were awful and I indeed shut down.  Through examination I came to one conclusion as to why I wouldn't let Barney in.  After more reflection because, there was something in me that I still couldn't shake, I began to realize something else.  This feeling and determination to 'get through this alone' quite possibly steamed from the feeling that I was already feeling alone. I know a common comment from me.  If you think you have heard it often enough, imagine how many times I have expressed this to Barney.

Yes, I did give Barney my letter of appreciation last week.  What did I expect from it in return?  Nothing I believe, perhaps a bit more closeness.  Many of you commented on how you loved our 'bathroom' moment. Honesty, I was perplexed by this.  There was no romantic editing in my post.  There was no censoring. No fade to black and leave it up to your imagination as to what happened next.  Nothing happened.  We left the bathroom and he left me.  I left him.  Like nothing had happened.  Like I hadn't poured my heart out.  What did I want?  Perhaps that he yank me into the next room to make mad passionate love?  I'm not sure, but I do know an emptiness crept in. He had the next several days off and still no closeness.  True my unraveling had already begun.

We have talked, and talked, and talked about how I need him to help me.  Am I horrible at this submissive stuff- no not really.  Signs of appreciation are there.  Little things are always present.  Am I always present?  No.  Ttwd began as a means to bring us closer.  I. like many of you, am a hardened shell, with a gooey centre much like those Cadbury Cream Eggs.  Unwrapping the egg from its foil helps access the exterior and it may melt due to its surrounding, but there is also another effective method  to expose the filling-take a bite.



From the start distancing  has been one of our biggest issues.  Sometimes, at the risk of pointing fingers here, the distancing arrives due to hurt feelings experienced by me.  We all know, and many have expressed better than I, the rawness of emotions in this thing we do.  Just like my little egg picture up there I can replace the broken pieces of foil around the exposed gooey center but it is no longer protected as well as it was before.  This is the point correct?  That even in distancing, covering up, retreating, there is still an easier access to the heart now.  About the bite.  Sometimes I just need Barney to expose more of the center for me.   To nibble away a bit at the side, so more filling will be exposed.  Again this is not a new concept we have talked about this.  I have asked for help.  He has agreed to do so.  My immediate reaction to hurt, stress, uncertainty is to rewrap the egg.  His natural response to this...wait until it passes and see if filling will leak through the foil.

Well there is my issue.  All of this happened before ttwd to some degree.  Advantage no raw feelings.  No longing for help that was promised, I knew I had to do it on my own, so I tried...never succeeding much, but I wasn't disappointed from the help that never came, as it wasn't expected.





To put it another way, last week with the emotions surrounding my Dad, I was hanging off a cliff.  Barney later mentioned after reading my post, that he knew I wanted to do this on my own, so he gave me space.  The rub there is we have discussed numerous times how this is not beneficial for me, and in turn for us.  As recently as Christmas, and THAT melt down we talked about how I need him to come and pull me up, despite the fact that I believe I am, I am NOT an experienced climber.  I need him to walk over to the edge even if he is unsure of his footing.  I require his strength when I am not strong more than anything.

Just like the consent to spank given during a time when perhaps one is not willing to submit is established at the beginning, this has been established.  The need for me to be pulled into an embrace, even if I look like this guy




Because despite appearing as if my quills will shoot up at any moment, inside is him, is this guy...wanting, yearning to be coaxed out.




For the most part this would take so little effort.  But yes it would still take some effort, and trust.  Trust, the thing we as Dd wives have placed in our husbands- or are told to over and over again.  Yet it is almost taboo for us to say that we require it from them as well. Trust us in 'peace time' when we express what we needed in a difficult patch.  Trust that next time you should try it.


So far I have talked about candy, rocks and animals....where the heck is the Disco? Oh yes I know you are all just dying to get down with your bad John Travolta selves!



Honestly being at a disco with a strobe light is exactly how I feel.  All the kind words of encouragement for the baby steps we have taken do give me strength to continue.  The disco analogy comes from some of those comments, like a switch has been turned on in Barney.  The thing is he controls the switch and he is turning it on and off.  I am expected to continue to find my way to him in the dark.  I am fumbling, and banging into things.  Life around is loud and obnoxious at times when it it supposed to be fun. The light flickers I step forward, but all the while he stays in place.




I am struggling to move yet it doesn't appear from my vantage point across the room that he is moving toward me.  The strobe continues to flicker, sending me a little light, but by the time my eyes adjust again and focus, it is gone. If he is calling out to me I can't hear it over everything around me.  I really want to get to him, but without any help the only safe option appears to sit at an empty table and hope that he decides it is worth the walk to meet me half way.





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We have talked since this post was written.  Barney read it before I posted it.  We are still trying to hash out what exactly we require from each other. At the moment we appear to be at an impasse. Old habits are resurfacing, as well as coping methods to deal with them  It hasn't worked for years, or ever, and it won't work now- and yet here we are. 

44 comments:

  1. I know patience, trust, turn to him, blah, blah, blah. You have heard it all as have I. The only thing I can think of that may be different and difficult for him is the shift from work to you. He has to focus at work all day. Is it when he walks in the door that he brings this to the front of his mind? Is it the first time since he left you in the morning that he is able to focus on it? Is he constantly switching between two worlds? You have mentally been practicing this for a long time. Does he have the same hours put into it? It may still just not be natural yet to him.
    I hope some of my ramblings helped : )

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    1. MEN!!! Okay sorry Blue Bird Barney deleted his response.

      In a nutshell he had said the he is tired when he gets home from work, and realizes that sometimes he hibernates when he should ( his words not mine) put forth some energy towards me....there was more, but neither of us remember.

      Delete
  2. I feel bad for you. So sorry. I hope some of our other friends are able to give you some advice that can be of help to both of you. Not being in this dynamic, I have none to give. I can give hugs though (((((hugs)))))

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  3. Wow...... Hugs Wilma :(

    You're at this point because you are trying to change some pretty entrenched behaviours on both sides. I could say all the things you have suggested people will say, but there's no point because you know them and you're desperately trying them all and can't seem to get moving.

    The biggest and most important thing you can do is keep trying. You care enough about each other to get to this point, keep doing what you're doing but also try different things. You are getting there because you care enough to try.

    Hugs and Prayers,
    Callie

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    1. Thank you for your words of encouragement Callie.

      Thank you too for your hugs and Prayers
      Much Appreciated!
      Willie

      Delete
  4. Hiya Willie :) Communication, trust, turn to him etc...just like Blue Bird said....

    Now...Do you want to borrow my fry pan?

    I do agree with Blue Bird though as it took me awhile to understand that they do not have the same amount of time to adjust like we do. It is one of the things that Silence also said in his blog...he suddenly realised that this was going to take a lot of time. Maybe Barney is not at that point yet. Maybe he is at a loss at what to do.

    I know none of this helps you right now. I am sorry that we can't just click our fingers and make it all alright for you...for many of us that have been or going through the same head banging experiences.

    Barney sounds soooooooooo much like The Silence!!!

    As always..many many hugs and love to you :)

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    1. Barney, you really need to chat to The Silence :) I like Willie have/had gone around that mountain again and again. It is frustrating, and as a wife you can bang your head on the wall again and again until you are blue in the face, but it is not until the Hoh realises that they need to invest the time and effort into it, nothing changes.
      I know you work, and work very hard, which I know that Willie is so grateful for too. It does take time...but small steps Barney, but small steps a little faster? Like a Geisha girl running... (not saying here that you are a girl, but they move fast with little steps)

      And I know that someone is going to come along and not agree, but that is ok....I am clearly, as a wife that has been there, on Willies side.

      Please understand that I am not 'attacking' you. I have seen The Silence struggle with the same things you are. And seen him come through in his own time. Listen to Willie, she is not asking for perfection.

      Delete
    2. Very Nice. Thank you for offering up your husband...lol

      I agree that the gaps between taking small steps has been too long as far as ttwd is concerned. BTW I've dressed up a a woman once for Halloween( to appease Willie sick sense of humour)..I was a belly dancer, I swore never again. So I will remember that WILL remember the Geisha girl comment, and that shall motivate me to move faster.

      Thank you

      Delete
  5. Hi Wilma, we spoke about some of this this morning. I so wish I knew what to say, that I had some pearls of wisdom to offer.

    You guys have had some milestones and moments of real closeness (even if brief) where you have felt connected and you are missing that same level of closeness now. I've had moments where I have felt that way after a period of particularly strong connection. The connection/closeness remained, but the pull not quite as strong and it was hard to recognise that were were, actually still connected.

    I'm glad Barney has read this and that you are hashing things out together. The trick is to be truly open and honest in that communication, hard as that is to do.

    Changing those old habits is hard and it takes time.

    Hang in there Willie. As BB said, you have been researching and practicing your role for some time now whereas Barney is just trying to come to terms with his.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz

      You hit the nail on the head as far as the closeness issue. Now when we get so close, it is all so disconcerting when we temporarily drift apart.

      We have since had a lengthy, and often BRUTAL discussion, and things seem better now. But we both have to stop the old way of dealing with things, not sure how we are going to manage that one.

      ( Um that was Willie)

      Back to Barney

      Hi Roz

      I don't think I am just coming to terms with this, I think I am past that. I just have to settle into it and getting to the point where I am consistent is my issue. Doing it when I should as opposed to just when I absolutely have to. My behavior is inconsistent and unreliable which causes Willie a great deal of anxiety. Perhaps that is coming to terms with it.

      Thank you for all your support you have being giving to Willie.


      Barney

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  6. I'm so sorry my friend! I hate to hear the dispair in your words. I hope the the two of you can find your way to each other again. I said it yesterday and I know you don't want to hear it, but don't stop talking... Irregardless of TTWD and whether you continue... You have to communicate. You two love each other, so keep trying.

    Love you girl and BIG BIG hugs

    P

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    1. ***WILLIE RESONSE****


      Well P you already know this, but I shall comment for blogger sake * wink *.

      We finally did communicate, but then it went south..then cold war ( some thing we NEVER did before ). We eventually had a very difficult discussion, and I was NOT the least bit submissive, ( although not too disrepectful ). We hammered it out. It wasn't pretty at times, but in the end Barney took charge and we are moving forward.

      Much Love and thanks for your support!

      Willie..

      PS Apparently eye rolling isn't submissive- ouch!

      Delete
  7. Willie--if this doesn't make any sense or is just confusing gibberish, please don't publish it.

    Dear Barney,
    I'm reading your wife's posts and my heart is breaking for her. It is true that all of us women cheer each other on and encourage each other to be patient with our men, to remember the baby steps and keep working hard at communicating; to give you time and space as you find your way as leaders. I know Willie has been doing all those things and that even as she works hard, the old patterns, especially the desire to shut down, enclose and protect herself are a daily battle. Sometimes we wives feel like we are walking towards our husbands with hands out and our hearts practically beating outside our chests. When you guys don't respond or even see us, we disappear inside ourselves. It has taken my husband a couple years to really understand how fragile I am and even now, a couple years into ttwd, sometimes he doesn't act b/c he's afraid of doing something wrong. I'm not just talking about the discipline piece, but stepping inside my self-made bubble and refusing to walk away till he knows how I'm really doing. It's hard, b/c it is much easier for him to stay a few steps away and observe, hoping that I'll pull myself back together. I see him doing it and so of course I become very "fine" b/c I sure don't want to be a bother. It hurts deeply to need him that much and feel all alone.

    Willie continues to have the responsibility to come to you, to work hard at not hiding BUT she desperately needs you to sacrificially step outside of your comfort zone. None of it is done b/c you have to and somehow it requires you to cast aside all fear of getting it wrong. She'll forgive you for that every time...lol...and if she waffles for too long on forgiveness us ladies will jump all over her. It's what we do. ;) Most of the time when we act like we need space, we actually need the opposite.

    I don't know what this looks like at your house. It can be as simple as phone calls during the day when you know she's hurting. It can be grabbing her when you first get home or before you leave, taking her to the bedroom, holding her and really looking into her eyes--letting her know that you are right there to protect her in every way. It may be a very impromptu, unscheduled spanking to help her let go of some of the pain by giving a little pain. I know, it doesn't make sense, it just works. You know already what works from these past months and there are dozens of new things that you will find over the next couple years but it can only happen if you will step up and in for her and then try your very hardest to stay there and fumble along together. My hubby is not a man of too many words and ttwd has been life changing for him--but it has also been the hardest positive thing he's ever done in a relationship and I wish he was right here b/c he'd cheer you on in this with about a quarter of the number of words. He'd make a lot more sense too!

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    1. Susie,
      I am going to copy and paste this for my husband to read when he gets home. You should post it on your Blog, "Letter to all HoHs".
      Barney, I second everything she said. It is right on about what we need from you guys, incase you have some doubts.
      Along with Wilma, I thank you Susie.

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    2. I'm crying! This should definitely be read by all HOHs new to the role! Susie - marvellous! Just what we need!

      Delete
    3. Susie, this is wonderful! Very well said!
      hugs
      lillie

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    4. Hi Susie

      I don't think we needed MM to comment. I think you expressed yourself very well ( thank him though for his off blog comment for me please- it was very insightful and helpful).

      I have read your comment many times. I think the most important part of your comment is, when Willie seems to be putting up a wall or resisting any interaction that I should be more persistent and get to the heart of the issue.

      Sometimes I think that I am the issue, and that might not be the case. That is the difficult part, because regardless I can't back off if I think that. I have to be more assertive.

      Even though Willie and I have discussed this before, it was helpful to hear it again from someone else. It was beneficial to know, for whatever reason, that other women feel this way too.

      You have been a great friend and help to Willie and I appreciate that.

      Barney

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    5. Hi Barney,
      Hey, I wanted to thank you for being so kind and gracious with my long winded comment. I have never, ever pontificated at someone else's HoH before. It was kind of uncomfortable, to be honest, but for whatever reason I worked up the gumption. I'm glad you two have found some right places with each other over the last days. Your Willie seems a lot more like her happy, feisty self...just the way we love her. :)

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  8. Thank you Susie. I really need to put you on speed dial.

    I was so afraid that people were going to think I was selfish and attacking Barney with this post. I had to give myself 'the talk' before posting- about being honest and true to my feelings with my posts regardless of how I may appear. You said it so much better than I ever could have.

    I appreciated this so much.

    Much Love
    Willie

    ( I will respond to everyone else's comments too, but I was hoping to do it with Barney tonight, I just wanted to say now what Susie said is exactly how I feel)

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  9. I'd love to give a long comment like Susie, but if you read my email you'll know I'm completely wrung out and can't cope much longer myself. I'm truly wondering whether it's all a bad dream. Hugs, Ami

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  10. It sounds like you're sending mixed messages to your husband, and perhaps he's doing the same. I want to get through this alone, but I want you to make me lean on you is a difficult message for husband. How is he to know which you really want at any given time when you may not even know yourself? You're both stumbling your way through because this is new and requires change and is a bit scary at times. What you want from him, are you also willing to give in return? Trust, patience, support, grace, etc. It sounds to me like you're frustrated and impatient. You know what you want and you want it now. But it just doesn't work like that. Baby steps are a good thing and even then sometimes the two of you will take one step forward and two steps back. But, even then if the communication is there, you will both learn something from the experience. That said, I don't think ttwd is for everyone and only you and your husband can decide if it's a worthwhile pursuit, if you think it could enhance your relationship. Anyway, forgive me if I've read you wrong, but I was just responding to what came through in this post for me. (((hugs)))

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    1. Grace, we have talked about what Willie needs before when she distances. I reverted back ( actually I can't say back because I have been inconsistent). I left her alone, yes because she said so, but I knew in the past that she had said she really needs me to be more persistent during these times. I thought because the issue this time was dealing with her grief ( although I didn't know this until I read her blog) that telling her to come to me when she was ready was helpful. I now know her distancing should be treated the same regardless of the reason. Distancing is an area where she struggles greatly.

      I really don't think that Willie expects perfection every time, but she expects me to put forth an effort. I wouldn't say she is impatient, she is happy with our baby step progress as mentioned in previous blog posts. She was hurt which makes her angry, and yes frustrated because I appear to be repeating the same lack of response to this issue, which we have had before. Is that fair? Perhaps not, but I know she tries very hard on her side- which she makes look easy, so yes she does offer me trust, support, and indications ( lol ) of paitence.

      Thank you for your comment
      Barney

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  11. I think everyone goes through these emotions, especially in the beginning. I had these same thoughts two weeks ago. Everyone here can give advise and lend support, but the only two people that have the answers are you and Barney.
    Patience, understanding, communication, blah blah blah...we never want to hear those words when we are feeling the way your are feeling. It isn't until the dust settles that we realize that they truly are the tools to get where we need to go. It's easy to say "go talk to him, tell him how you feel, ask for what you need" but actually doing it is a whole different thing. I get it. We struggle with change the same as they do. Here in blogland you have a means of support, a place to vent your frustrations and get advise. What does Barney have? Here's my advise to Barney (without telling another HoH what to do) First, read Susie's letter. It's very good. Second, maybe you need your own support group like the one Wilma has found here. Contact other HoH's, get some advise from those that have gone before you. They have all had the same questions, frustrations, confusion, and doubts you are having. Who knows, one day you may find yourself being able to help another HoH/couple that is going through the same thing you guys are now. Steven is more than will to talk anytime. I'm sure you know how to contact him. ;) lol

    I truly hope you guys are able to work through this. Dd has been the best thing Steven and I have done. I wish you both all the best!
    Love you guys!
    Emma

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    1. Helllllllllllllllo Emmma ( okay that was Willie )

      I think you have some very good advice. I think I may very well start reaching out to other HoH's (although Willie says no Fake Steve ! ) I don't actually have to reach out to him, because he is forever telling Willie what should be done to her ( <- once again she took over the computer).

      Being HoH I will decide who to contact. lol. Maybe Steven is onto something with how he'd deal with Willie ( lol )

      HEY!! ( Willie again)

      Thanks for your advice here Emma- so much better than some you have given my sassy little wife over the phone!

      Barney

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  12. I feel like I could have written some parts of this post myself!

    I completely get the whole been there done that thing as far as past situations and how they ended up and the whole hard shell with some goop inside...

    Before we started DD, it seemed to be the same old song and dance... and I was quite honestly tired of hoping "H" would be there for me in the ways I needed him to without having to spell it out for him every time.

    I mean, who has time for that when you are lost in your cloud of confusion.. You can at least hope that your husband, the person who is to know you better then anyone, can be there while you deal with things and hopefully pull you along... or pull you out if needed.

    That's where the "I can do it myself" bit comes into play and then the "Hellllooo? where are you husband guy? I don't want to be the I can do it myself girl! - I want you to be my rock!" I get caught between the two all the time.

    I loved Susie's letter and I think Barney needs a read (and maybe he has already) but I also think some reaching out would be good too! Other HOHs seem willing to help, maybe "H" too! He needs pulled out right now himself.

    I think DD is worth a shot, it's changing my home, and for the better, even if it's VERY slow going!

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    1. Hi Emi

      It seems like a lot of women share Willie's method of 'dealing with' things. Ultimately she needs my help.

      We found that Dd has helped our relationship greatly in the almost 4 months that we have been practicing. So we aim to continue, hopefully with more consistency and a effort that can be recognized from now on.

      Barney

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  13. Willie dear – I’m sorry you are having such a rough time.

    Susie had some very good advice for Barney above and I can’t add to that so I will write the following for you. Maybe looking at this situation from another perspective would help.

    1. Communication, as you know, can be verbal and non-verbal. On the one hand, you are telling Barney that you need this, that, the other from him but on the other hand, you push him away.

    Many blogs have had posts regarding the frustration we feel when our HoH’s are inconsistent. One minute calling us out on some behavior and the next time letting that same behavior slide. Do you realize that you are being inconsistent/sending mixed messages to Barney?

    2. You not only researched TTWD before bringing the concept to Barney but you continue on a daily basis to read blogs, think about and communicate with other wives regarding TTWD. In some ways, this has become your “job”. As with any job, you want positive and immediate feedback/results.

    Barney is working at a completely different job. Going out every day to a job he no longer finds rewarding and is a constant frustration for him. I can tell you from experience that he could work 12 hours a day in a job that is rewarding and not come home as exhausted/emotionally drained as working 6 hours a day in an unrewarding position. During this time, if Barney has any thoughts regarding you, and the heirs, it’s probably something along the lines of “…doing this for my family.”

    3. We all build up expectations in our heads of how certain situations should play out and when they don’t go according to that expectation/fantasy, we are disappointed, sometimes to the point of anger and resentment.

    Barney can’t read your mind in order to act out that expectation/fantasy. For example, after he read your letter, he came to find you, took you in his arms, thanked you for giving him the letter and telling him how you felt. You said you both left the bathroom and went your separate ways. What if you had reached out and suggested some ‘couple’ time? Would it have turned out differently?

    4. You already know in your head that communication, patience and understanding his side are key to making TTWD work, but have you actually taken those words into your heart? Do you really feel them or just think them.

    Barney knows in his head that communication, patience and understanding your side are key to making TTWD work, but is he at the point where he can take these words into his heart or is he struggling?


    As you revert to old habits that were not helpful to your marriage, Barney may also revert to old habits, which pushes you to more old habits, etc. until it becomes a vicious circle.

    Hopefully you and Barney can sit down, read this post and the comments and find a way that works for both of you.

    Sending warm hugs and prayers to both of you.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hey Cat Willie here...just a few things, there definitely were mixed signals, I wasn't denying that- We had discussed this in the past on several occasions, basically what Susie had written in her comment. That despite the fact I appear to want to be alone, I really need him to bring me back...so that is where the frustration came from, the fact we had already established some 'ground rules' if you will.

      As for the letter- those thoughts came after not right after, I just felt lost right after. So there was no expectation or fantasy involved what so ever. Just clarity of emotions after the fact.

      ........and now Barney...........lol............

      Hi Cat

      My job physically takes me from my home, yes, but that just means response time is not as quick perhaps as it should be. The distraction is due to the physical distance apart.

      You are right I can't read Willie's mind but it is very obvious when she is distancing and I do have to respond to that. It hasn't become second nature to me yet, but I do recognize that I need to step outside my comfort zone to help her when needed.

      As far as her heart and seeing the other side, she is very understanding, patient and communicates OH so well (lol).

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment

      Barney and Willie

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  14. Willie, my heart goes out to you. I too felt the exact same way this week as my post shares many of the same concerns. I sent them to Vic and after a long long talk we came to this- for a very long time I was a fiercely independent wife/mother/bearer of all burdens I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders and Vic stood by and watched afraid to reach out to me and pull me in as I was an army of one. As of Sunday that all changed, I can ponder issues and ask for space to do so but Vic nows reserves the right to step in and do what he needs to no matter my response. He may not always be able to "fix" what is wrong but he will no longer allow me to decide if I need his help or even want it. I am not sure I will always like his interference but as he said he leads us not me. Tough love if you ask me. You two will find the right answer in due time. Many hugs heading your way.

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    1. Thank you Cathie

      I am sorry you had a bad week too. We had quite the discussion this week as well. Barney likes what Vic said to you. He agrees, and said he is going to put forth the effort to make me realize I am not an army of one- sigh, whether I like it or not too.

      Thank you for the hugs

      Willie

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  15. I have been away at work all day, and am just now reading. I really feel for the pain you are experiencing, Willie. So sorry....
    I also don't think I can improve on what Cat and Susie have written above, as well as the comments of everyone else. Wonderful advice from everyone. Someone wrote somewhere that when women begin to become interested in ttwd, they read and learn and earn their PhD in dd - then they bring it up to their husbands. I guess I just wanted to say that I understood Cat's point about the amount of energy and time that our husbands sometimes have left to give at the end of the day....there is no question that they need to understand what a TiH woman needs from them, but we also need to appreciate that they are often weary. There is a wonderful balance in there somewhere, it is just finding and living it.
    hugs and love
    lilly

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    1. Hi Lillie

      I do struggle with the balance of work and home. Not necessarily in the way it has been presented here. I have not always put forth the same effort/energy towards ttwd that I do to my job, even on my days off. I know that if I don't expell the effort consistently in ttwd, then it requires so much more energy ( emotionally) to get things back on course.

      Barney

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  16. Willie,

    I am so sorry you are struggling so. I wish that I had some kind of magic pill to ease the pain. I have been struggling myself lately. Actually upon reading other blogs there seems to be a struggling epidemic going on around here. I can only hope we can support each other through it. Susie and Cat offer some wonderful advice. While I have no words of wisdom I have lots of words of friendship. If you need to talk please let me know. I will be there to listen. I know it's hard being a Cadbury Cream Egg, but remember you are wonderful and worth the work and the wait. Barney knows that too. Sometimes I think our husbands struggle as much with our emotions as we do. Keep the faith. You two will find your way.

    Lots of hugs,
    TL

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    1. Hello TL

      I'm sure that is very true- most husbands do struggle with their wives emotions.

      Willie is absolutely worth the work, and I agree she is wonderful. Even though I agree with that, sometimes I don't always show her that.

      Thank you for extending your friendship to her. She and I appreciate the friends she has made in this community.

      Barney

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  17. It does seem to boil down to expectations. I think Cat has some great things to ponder. As women we are a step ahead in our emotions and desires. We read and discuss when ever we have a free moment. We move from wanting one thing to another sometimes without a moments notice. I think how we go nuts dealing with our own female emotions. They must feel like they are always guessing what we need.
    Susie's advice is also great because doing something is usually better then doing nothing.
    I just know that wanting the best from each other is good and you guys will get there.
    Thinking about you guys.

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    1. Hello Minelle

      You are correct, women's emotions do seem daunting at times ! I can't always follow how Willie goes from here, to here, to here so quickly. I don't know now, that if the reasons are always important as to why she is reacting a certain way. I think sometimes intervention just might be needed regardless. That requires me to jump outside of my comfort zone. I have a greater understanding of the need she has. My hope is to see the need in these situations sooner.

      Barney

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  18. Cat, Lillie and Susie have said so much, so well, that I have not much else to add advice-wise. And you have my thoughts with you as you go through this phase. I hate to see you struggling, sweetie.

    I have one question, though - have you asked Barney what he wants and needs from you and your relationship? I know how much you love and adore him, just wondering if you are extending yourself the same way you want him to extend himself?

    I ask with all of the love and respect in the world, chica. I'm just wondering what would happen if you take all of this frustration/energy and focus it on his needs. Because he clearly is devoted to you. When you give to him, it seems from all that you have written that he gives back to you, in his own unique way.

    Thinking of you both.

    Elisa xo

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    1. Hello Elisa

      Yes she has asked me what I require from her to feel more comfortable in my role as HOH. Initially I told her she gives me more than I require...the letter was a huge push. She told me to think on it some more. I honestly don't know what else I would need from her that she hasn't already provided.

      I feel I should clarify, that Willie doesn't walk around in a state of frustration. She had a very difficult few days, and this post stems from that. Her process now is to be vocal about things that bother or hurt her. This is a huge step for her as before I wouldn't know, or even see that she was hurt.

      As for her extending herself the same way to me as she wants me to for her, the effort is great on her part that is obvious to me. I think often of how to reach her, but making that materialize has been a challenge for me. I have discovered I need to push myself..she did ask for my help specifically in this area. She recognizes in herself this need, and it is not easy for her to overcome this alone.

      Thank you

      Barney

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  19. I didn't read the comments, so forgive me if I am being repetitive.
    On one hand, it's really hard when they flip the switch off and on--because it can be really painful and difficult trying to switch submission off and on. Consistency matters.

    From a slightly different perspective, sometimes they just need to stand still. And for those of us who don't do still very well, (who me? Yea...) that can be difficult. I think the trick is to be able to stand still together--they aren't on the far side of the room, and we aren't running desperate circles around them.
    If I ever even near perfecting that, I'll be sure to share lol.

    Hope things look up soon.

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    1. Hi lil

      Thank you for your comment. I realize more now how important consistency is. I have also come to the conclusion that I must stop Willie's slide down the hill as soon as I see it happening. Hoping that she'll manage to do it herself just leads to sliding further on her part, and it is not helpful. Her frustration is then added to the initial hurt she is experiencing. This is detrimental to both her and our relationship.

      Things are much better now. Thank you
      Barney

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  20. Barney it's lovely to meet you! You have a lot of courage to be writing here! Starman still staunchly refuses to have any part of the blogs, although he will happily listen if I read them to him.

    For what it's worth, I think you two are all right! It's all a very un-nerving thing to come to terms with. I can only say that I'm with Willie when she says that she likes consistency. It's what we all like. It doesn't have to be often, but it does have to be regular. It keeps us from going off the rails. It soothes us, and enhances us and stops us getting antsy. I'm with Cat, Lillie and all the others and can't say it any better.

    Many hugs to you both, Ami

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  21. Wilma, I am visiting your blog for the first time, so I don't 'know' you at all. Thus please take what I am going to say with that in mind.


    Yes, TTWD is about learning to open, up, to be vulnerable, to trust. BUT...it can't be a solo journey. All of that goes both ways, and the growth and learning happens with starts and stops and missteps and yeah, he's going to mess up and you're going to wonder at times why you ever started this thing, or thought it could work for you, or frankly, why your man is the only idiot on the block who doesn't 'get' it, 'get' you at all. I mean you've only told him what you need 100 times right?


    He's a man. Men and women are so different. His learning curve is a large as yours, but different, and you will need to be patient. I too have issues with feeling alone, doing it myself, caring for myself. Mine come from my childhood, and can be easily triggered. It's something Grant and I have had to deal with over and over in our TTWD journey. You'll work through this, and it will happen again, but each time you will bith learn and it will get easier to deal with.


    Your choice is to shut down or wait for him to catch up. Or maybe some of both. But don't give up. You'll be glad you didn't!


    Sara

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    1. Welcome Sara

      I think there is a great deal of truth in what you about my line of thinking. LOL

      I know those are my choices and it is nice to hear that sometimes it is alright to choose both.

      Thank you I appreciate it!

      Willie

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