Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Chat, The Letter


Everyone was once again supportive and kind with my post yesterday.  It does seem crazy that spanking is what the majority of us brought to our husbands.  We get upset on the onset when they don't take to it right away.  The community cheers for us when our husbands finally do give us what we want. Later the community sympathizes when our husbands DO  take to it.  Barney and I are somewhere in between.

There has been growth I will admit to you that much.  Barney is more comfortable with this entire spanking for our R/A.  For most this means role affirmation and someday it may for us too...but right now it is more Reconnection Appointments.  Maintenance would require consistency on my part to be maintained so that is out.  Target Practice  seems not to be a favourite  term around here anymore either.

I am not down playing this by any means.  Keep in mind prior to October Barney had NEVER spanked me EVER...not even in play.  This is a huge deal.  The marking that tends to occur, while it still happens, seems to not be as much of  a worry.  He finally believes me when I say it doesn't hurt, nor bother me.  DURING the process he still and most likely will always proceed with caution.  It is a case of getting to know my body as well. He so does like to 'help' apply the Arnica Gel to me the following days...

So with that housekeeping item getting wrapped up, perhaps we will now move more towards ttwd on a daily basis.  Perhaps that will never happen.  Perhaps we will be the R/A , reset and once in a blue moon when I do something stupid that endangers ( did I say when..?  it should say IF ) my life, discipline spanking couple.  Who knows?

That was on my mind this morning while chatting  with Roz ( I asked her first...tee hee)  I wasn't disappointed with my thoughts, as I have no concrete proof that this is where we are going to stay.  I was just pondering. We were discussing my last post and the beginnings of her and Rick's  'adventure' in ttwd.  After a few questions she asked me if I wanted to talk to Rick and see if he had something to offer.  Eeeeeeeek ( <- why I have NO flippin' clue..I suppose because I had never spoken to HIM before...lol ) .  After a few questions, I finally asked him if there was anything that Roz did or didn't do that would have helped him feel more comfortable as a new HoH.  His actual response

I think the most important thing a wife can do is reassure her husband that she appreciates him stepping up and taking charge, that is, this is something she really wants. At first it is hard for an HoH to discipline and generally act in a dominant manner as he is prone to think maybe she will resent him for it. So I can't stress how important it is to let him know that he is doing what u, the wife, want him to do



When you are given advice, in order for that advice to have weight you need to be in the right head space to receive it. Finally after reading women doing this on their blogs, finally after people saying so on my blog, finally after people telling me in chat or emails, it sunk in.


It has been a very long time since I have written Barney a letter. I can say that I didn't even realize that this means of communication had stopped. Expressing my hurt, fear, disappointment, or anxiety, has become somewhat effortless over the last little while.( wait that sounds worse than I mean it to. I don’t mean I express them often, it is just easier now if I do).

 Instantly this became a oh no...letter time feeling.




Apparently, I have discovered... not correct,-I have given a voice to the realization when I am truly, affected by something -when it means so much, and it is something full of truth- I can't say it out loud. Thankfully, I have learned the more I try, after the initial written dialog it becomes easier.  I began to write my letter to Barney

When I sat down to type, the body of the letter had very little to do with ttwd. It became the letter I had been composing in my mind for years, yet never had the courage to share. Silly really. I committed my life to this man for as long as I draw a breath, yet somehow I can't express my feelings to him in person. Moreover I didn't express my inner thoughts for years. I cried when I read my letter to myself. How could I have ever thought that I shouldn't share this with him. (I have asked and am allowed to include this letter. )



* I literally copied and pasted, so there may be run on sentences and phrases that don't flow*


*****


I don’t want you to panic and think that we are back to the letter writing stage of communication again.  I have discovered something about myself (again) that if something is really emotionally important and true to me to the core, I have a hard time expressing it in a verbal sense.  With practice it does get easier.  I have no doubt in my mind this subject down the line will be mentioned without the barrier of a pen and paper between us.

There are a few things I have been wanting to say for so long, and through a chat this morning with a friend and her husband, I realized how important it really was to tell you. I guess I always knew how important it was but this was just the push I needed to get this done.

I wanted to thank you.  For a long time I have wanted to thank you for ‘merely’ walking out the door each day to a job, that I know you no longer find rewarding and to a constant state of frustration for you.  I so appreciate it.  You carry on, you hold on to your responsibilities and don’t take them lightly despite the fact that there are days that I know you absolutely hate going there.  You are teaching our boys that a commitment is a commitment regardless if you like it or not.

I want to thank you for ‘allowing’ me to stay home, even now when the boys are gone most of the day.  More than allow it you support it.  When others ask if I am going to go back to work, you never jump on that train.  It does seem one sided that you bare the burden of our finances alone, and yet you never make me feel that way.  I can’t tell you how that makes me feel.

I want to thank you for your patience with the boys.  I know that as mothers many of us think we can do it better.  We know them better so how could you respond appropriately.  Thank you for plugging along all of those years, basically dismissing or ignoring my tendencies in this area, the boys are better for it.  Now that they don’t require kisses for bo bos, and people reminding them which direction their pants are to be, they turn to you more.  If you had completely stepped aside back when they were little, they might not have a place to turn to now.  Yes, our teenagers are going to cause us grief, but you have proven time and again that your calming voice and reactions are what seem to work here.  We won’t know until they are actually out of our house if we have been successful or not in our style of child rearing, but I am so happy that I have a husband that treats his wife with respect all the time and the boys no doubt will learn from your example.

I want to thank you for us.  For you.  I actually knew that you would not say no to me right away when I brought ttwd to you.  I wasn’t sure what you would think about it all, but I knew that you would never dismiss me outright without reflection and discussion.  I want to thank you for being patient with the yo yo of a wife you have encountered these last 3 plus months.  Often taking the blame where none is required from either party.  I know you will do anything for me- and I have always known that.  Before it was actually a point of power for me in some regards, now it is a pillar of strength.

Ttwd has pushed you far outside of your comfort zone and I try, not always successfully to remember that.  You have been so amazing at meeting these challenges. You have been incredible and settling the war within to come out with a calming front- for the benefit of us and our relationship.  This can not have been easy, especially,  well Heck, you’ve known me for 20 years I don’t have to tell you why I know it can’t have been easy. 

I want to thank you for always seeing me as beautiful, and I don’t mean merely on the outside ( although that is really nice too).  You have always been my loudest cheerleader even when I can’t seem to find the good in myself.  A few of our friends ( oh and you know who they are) are too busy complaining about their wives and I have caught you over the years contradicting their statements concerning me.  How you managed to see beyond the bitch at times I’ll never know.  But thank you for having that ability.

NOW don’t  get confused…I know you see the not so nice things about me too.  But your acceptance of those things, as moments of a person, not THE person makes me believe that you are right. On a good day, and there are so many more of them now, this  gives me strength to push out the negative, because I know you believe that it is merely a feeling at the time, not me to the core.  Something I had begun to question over time.  ( It also makes me feel fantastic that you seem not only accept but really enjoy the little devil in me too)

I know over the years there have been times where I haven’t treated you with the respect and support I should have.  I am truly sorry for giving you that feeling with my outward expressions.  I do want you to know, that I have ALWAYS felt this way about you.  An admiration that you commit yourself to your work, regardless of how you feel about it.  That you have put your career goals on hold because of what is emotionally right for your family, not always financially the easiest.  I want you to know that I have always recognized and appreciated that every member in this house and their needs comes before yours- even if I haven’t expressed it over our marriage, I have always noticed.





Alright turns out I don't really follow other HoH's instructions very well either...sigh. Sorry Rick. I took your idea an WilmaSized it.  .  I handed Barney the laptop and decided that the bathroom really did need some attention- one floor up.  Once again he sought me out.  Hey at least this time it wasn't a kitchen moment.  My eyes welled up when he pulled me into his arms.  There were were the three of us, in our bathroom.  Barney, Wilma and Mr. Clean. He thanked me for giving me the letter and telling him how I felt

 From now on I will endeavour to pay attention to the little changes that are occurring in Barney as he steps forward more toward a confident HoH. I will express my appreciation more.   I understand that his confidence will come from me. Rick's words drove this home for me this morning.

I have actually thanked Barney for the wonderful job he has done in taking over in the areas he has, finances, the boys, appointments.  But I will have to begin thanking him for things like my 'reset' and any other actions he decides to embark on.

 I began to think of other little things, that have been said or done. I was actually on the receiving end of " What are you grinning at little girl ?" over the holidays. He was teasing, but I was FLOORED. I have been called little one, little girl, etc...from numerous people in my adult life, but NEVER from my husband. In a bizarre way it made my heart swell.

The other night he asked what we had for dinner. I said, " The boys had......." ( before we started ttwd I would have said we had......)

He looked at me directly and said, " What did YOU have for dinner"...sigh  BUSTED.  Busted, not in real trouble, but again with the heart thing .

Once more and I'll leave it at that..( lol) I had been up late- naturally talking to someone and I was reading until Barney came home from work.  He came into our room, " Why are you still up?  It is late." I explained about talking on the phone, and then reading..to which I got a " Hmmmmmm"  LOL..

.I teased that " What?  We don't have any rules about bed "...Darn it ..!  I slammed my mouth shut.

He chuckled and looked at me for a moment
 " No we don't"  ( phew...for now...NOTE TO SELF..carefully pick your times to tease!  Sheesh Willie)


48 comments:

  1. Gratitude has so much power to enrich and it can only make us stronger. That was a beautiful, heartfelt letter, Wilma. I bet it made Barney burst with love and pride.

    (((Hugs)))

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  2. Chica, I quite literally have tears rolling down my face and a huge lump in my throat. This.Is.Beautiful.

    Truly, beautiful. I really have no words other than this post touched me deeply.

    Now I need tissues. And I have a stuffy nose.

    And you are amazing. And so is Barney. You two are amazing together.

    Elisa xo

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    1. Thank you Elisa.

      I would disagree about the amazing part. We are average on an incredible adventure. Some days are just better than others :)

      Willie

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  3. Thanks Willie,
    I have told my husband some of these things over the years, but I have to admit, I haven't in anyway shown appreciation for how he has accepted all of this. It has been slow, but he has never stopped moving forward.
    Rick is right. They will receive confidence in this from our us. I can't wait til he gets back!
    Your letter is beautiful Willie!
    Hugs,
    BB

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    1. Hey Blue Bird

      Hopefully the time will fly and Rooster will be home soon.

      I know Rick is right ( OH boy sorry Roz- lol) remembering that will be key!

      Love Willie

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  4. Hi Wilma

    I am chuffed that our chat this morning helped you and what a really great letter that was you gave to Barney, couldnt fail but build up and empower a husband to lead knowing his wife is fully committed to him stepping up. Love the part about you guys afterward in the bathroom. You guys are making great strides in your journey, look forward to reading future accounts.

    Best regards to you and Barney

    Rick

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    1. Hi Rick!

      I have to admit ( hangs head ) I had to look up chuffed. I mean obviously I had a general idea, it is just not something I've heard before.

      Thanks for the chat the other morning. It means a great deal that you took the time. You should really blog a bit you know (look at me getting all bossy with someone else's HoH- so out of character of me). A male perspective is always great, especially one who had Dd brought to him.

      Stepping of my soap box now.

      Willie

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  5. Hi Wilma, now you've gone and done it, you made me cry - happy tears. The letter to Barney is so lovely. Such a beautiful expression of your appreciation and love.

    I'm so glad our chat helped you process your thoughts.

    I try to ensure that I keep showing Rick my appreciation for the way in which he has embraced his role as our leader, and for his leadership and encourage him in his role. To me it is such a gift and act of love that he has done so, and I try not to let him forget that. Having said that, I don't think I've ever thanked him for a spanking Lol

    Just as I show him my appreciation and encourage him, he also does the same for me. It's not simply 'expected' that I will submit to him, follow the rules, show him respect etc, it is also appreciated when I do and he encourages me to do so. As I've said before, so much of this is feeding of each other. The more submissive we are, the more dominant he is and vice versa.

    I'm so glad you have been able to see the changes in Barney and those 'little things'. Don't they just make to tingle? BTW I get 'little girl' too :)

    You guys are definitely growing and finding your own way in ttwd.

    Love and Hugs
    Roz

    btw - LOL at your first paragraph. Crazy isn't it?

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    1. Hey Roz!

      Who knew that months ago our coffee/tea time would turn into THIS...lol. Sorry to make you cry. If it makes you better there wasn't a dry eye in this house that day either.

      I'm not sure I'll be thanking Barney specifically for spankings in the future either! The reset one, well seeing how I asked....

      Thanks for sharing you HoH..in a NON HoH way

      Hugs and Much Love back!
      Willie

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  6. Wow that bought tears to my own eyes, what a loving post and letter to him, you're very lucky woman

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    1. Well Hello and Welcome

      Trazuredpet!

      Thank you for the compliment. Sorry about the tears.

      Willie

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  7. I completely agree with what Rick said to you.
    It is common for a wife to bring DD to her husband. Then in the beginning he is hesitant, because it is all new to him and he remembers his wife as she used to be. He doesn't really trust that this new wife is here to stay.
    Then, when he steps up a little bit, she invariably starts looking for borders and loopholes. She tries to talk him out of rules, out of spankings. Whatever he does, he gets the impression that he just is not doing it good enough. All that is eating up his self assurance. We don't live in the stone age anymore. He must honour her wishes.
    That's where the wife must reassure her husband that she appreciates him and what he is doing. Somehow she must convince him that he is doing what the wife wants him to do, even if in the heat of the moment that may not be immediately obvious. He must learn to trust her in this, as much as she must trust him as a HoH.
    The letter you wrote is a great means of communication, because he will recognize from how deep in your soul this originated.

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    1. Of course you agree Bas! lol...AS for the wives, it can be scary for them at first, when their husbands step up. So I hear. It is not an intentional act. Reality is a whole other ball game. Sometimes it takes a little while for them to adjust.

      We do need to reassure our husbands, just as they need to us- eventually. Just like in any marriage we must build each other up. That being said, it had been far to long since I did that for Barney.

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  8. A beautiful letter, Wilma. Thank you for sharing it.

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read it Kevan.

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  9. Wilma I am so proud of you! That letter was beautiful. And you seemed to have gotten so great advice from Rick. Advice I am taking to heart. Glad to hear you guys are doing so well.

    Hugs

    P

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    1. Thank you P.

      We are good. We are growing, but I don't expect not to struggle anymore.

      Rick's advice was great, and fortunately came at a time I was willing to hear it.

      Love Willie

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  10. Yesterday I was grinning like a Cheshire cat and today you had me crying before I finished my coffee. The good kind of crying.

    The years and years of hard work and parenting--really cool how you laid out how thankful you were for him. I liked your "Willified" letter. :)

    I love the scene of you two in the bathroom after he read your letter. Rick is so right, they need to know what we think and so often we don't tell them often enough all the right things that they are doing. How can they be confident in all these new things if we don't tell they what it does for us?

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    1. Well Susie, I had to remember what yesterdays post was about. So let me get this straight, yesterday I talked about getting spanked-- it had you smiling. Today I express thanks and you cry...seems about right here in Blog Land!

      Yes Rick was right. Sheesh...I should just copy and paste that into each comment..( I kid I'm truly thankful for his advice). I'm glad it kicked me in the right direction. It did a world of good for both of us. In some ways it is like I have let go of a little secret I've been keeping.

      Love
      Willie

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  11. This is so sweet Willie. Positive reinforcement along the way really is an important part of the ttwd journey...it's so easy to focus on what's not going right sometimes and our guys need to know what IS going right just as much as we do.

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    1. You are so right Tess!

      We have no trouble talking, to our husbands and our friends about what is NOT happening, sometimes we should just stop and look for at least ONE thing that is working/happening. Often it leads to the realization that more than one thing is working.

      Telling them is I now know equally important.

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  12. I laughed out loud at target practice, lol :) Your letter was very sweet! I love it :)

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    1. Well Elle, a blind man could hit this target. Nice to know you enjoyed my letter.

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  13. Dang it Willie, now you've done it, you made me cry! That was such a beautiful letter and I just know that it warmed Barney's heart and has him bursting with pride. I'm sure he didn't mind the 'letter writing stage of communication' to get a letter like this.

    Sheesh, *sniffling* I have to go get tissues and get ready for a meeting.

    So proud of your progress. :D

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Well mission accomplished Cat!

      Er, I mean sorry I made you cry- sort of *wink*

      It is my sincere hope that one day I'll be open enough to express my thanks face to face. Odd isn't it? That I can't. Oh well I won't over think

      Thank you for your words of praise. Not sure I deserve your pride, but thank you
      Much Love
      Willie

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  14. Love your new look. This was a truly lovely post. Beautiful love letter without all the flowing sugary words. A true letter written about the love given and received every single day. Like Cat says it brings tears to my eyes.

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    1. Thank you Sunny. There are still some kinks to work out with the blog, but I needed something fun.

      Thank you for the kind words concerning my letter.

      Delete
  15. You have me crying! That was beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing it with us. It really is great help for people like me starting out.

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    1. I'm glad you can find something useful here for you and Brice Betsy.

      Willie

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  16. Wilma, okay you have me crying too. What a beautiful letter. And I am really proud of you for listening to advice but making the letter your own. I use to try and thank my husband every time he did a HoH thing, like spank me. I have kind of fallen out of doing that but this is a good reminder to start up again. 'HUGS' to you.

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    1. Hi Blondie!

      Sorry I had everybody weepy...sheesh. I suppose everyone falls into the slump of appreciating, but not expressing our gratitude towards our spouses. I mean nothing bad can come of it. Right?

      Big Hugs back
      Willie

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  17. Willie :) I read this and was very deeply touched. And then I felt a little sad for Ian, that I have never really done such a beautiful thing for him - told him from the heart, how much I have appreciated his hard work for this family, his love and support of me.
    Barney must feel so completely appreciated and loved by his wife.
    It is a beautiful scene you describe of a couple wildly in love and happy with their marriage, and their family.
    WELL DONE, Willie! Well done!
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Thank you Lillie.

      I'm sorry my post made you sad. I am sure you are rectifying your issue as we speak- telling Ian how much you have appreciated all he has done. I'm sure your words will melt his already mushy heart. ( Oh yes Mr. Mammoth Hands McSpanky pants we know your secret *wink*)

      Okay your words are making me blush for some odd reason.
      Much
      Love Willie

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  18. I LOVE the letter, and I know it had to mean so much to Barney too! It is so easy to forget....in the midst of the mess that is ttwd....to tell them all the things that they do right. Thanks for the reminder :)

    And can I say....I love your snazzy new background?? Loving the renovations going on around here ;)

    Lots of love.....

    ~Lucy

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  19. Willie, what a sweet, honest, genuine, lovely letter and moment you had with Barney (and Mr. Clean)...nice...hiding in the bathroom:) Shaking head...
    I love reading about your journey...you give me hope:)
    Love Bea
    PS Love the background chicka:)

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    1. I know right? Like wtheck is the matter with me? Not only can't I tell him face to face, a have to run to the second most influential man in my life... Mr Clean while he reads the letter!

      Oh well just more room for growth and opportunity I suppose.

      I give you hope? Okay :)

      Love ya
      Willie

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  20. Willie how very sweet of you to write your Barney and tell him how your heart feels what a wonderful day it must be in your home. Hugs

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    1. Hi Cathie.

      It did feel good to let Barney in on my little secret.

      Hugs
      Willie

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  21. WOW! I don't know what to say my friend. I got a little choked up. That Barney is one lucky guy! ;)

    Love the new blog!
    Emma

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    1. Thanks Emma

      Wait.

      Did you say Barney is the lucky one?

      I know I'm tired, but I've read it 3 times now, and I still can't see the 'catch'.

      Love Willie

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  22. What a perfect, heartfelt letter! Very inspiring.

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    1. Hi Meg
      & Welcome!

      Thank you. Please 'drop' by again :)

      Willie

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  23. You know I was actually smiling, and I usually cry! I felt like you exhaled a deep breath and everything was right! Barney is very lucky and so are you!

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  24. You know me so well Minelle.
    That is exactly how it felt. Like I was, for some unknown reason, too embarrassed to share my 'dirty' little secret all these years. The reasoning behind that feeling- I am not proud to say, but perhaps in telling him how grateful I was, I was making myself seem weaker. That he actually held power in our house. Power I was not willing to give him.

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  25. Oh Willie what a heartfelt letter! Just beautiful.

    I have to tell you that those were some of the very things I said to Starman during our 'rocky road'. It's so good when communication works isn't it? We are definitely closer now than before. I loved the scene from your bathroom!

    Well done for saying how much you appreciate him. They do need to know, don't they?

    Hugs, Ami

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  26. Willie, that letter was beautiful! You are both making progress, not just in ttwd/dd but also in yourself. So proud of you and your accomplishments.

    Oh..by the way...bedtime was never rule here either. Was one of the things that The Silence scoffed at...but not now.
    So yes...choose your moments to tease very, very carefully :)

    Hugs Willie

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