Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Wilma Has Left The Building

Last week was a long and quite frankly horrible week.  Sharing the nuts and bolts of the break down between Barney and myself, I am still unsure about that.  I am still raw.   I managed to suffer quite the severe emotional friction burn.  A great deal of it was most like brought on by me, dragging myself across the carpet repeatedly  but the pain is real nevertheless. I think I may just need some more time to lick my wounds.

 This was me...is me.  Not in the sense of measuring our Dd dynamic against others we share with in ttwd.  Although that often does seem to be the concern.  I measure where we have come or not within the context of our own relationship.  BUT the reason I chose the Stanely Power Lock tape measure really isn't that literal.

 I was going along in my little tape measure way, letting more and more 'tape' out, ( forget about the measuring part...just focus on the metal tape leaving the confines of the case)  Some days several inches would be let out.   When I got to a place where I thought I couldn't let anymore out.  I would put on the lock, and wait it out.  Somedays the tape would retreat a bit.  I didn't take advantage of the little clip at the end of the measure.  The one where you hang it over the edge to hold on too.  Somewhere along the line in the past week, I released the lock and all of that tape I had exposed snapped and recoiled back into the case.  Just like the tape measure it flew back at warp speed and anyone within striking distance risked being cut by its sharp edges as it made its journey home.  As awful as that sounds, the worst part came when I engaged to Power Lock AFTER the tape was inside.  Effectively making it very difficult for the tape to start to be used again..  Sure someone can come along and try to pull the tape out, even with their now injured hand, but it is almost fruitless if the lock is engaged.

We all know the perils of Horror Moans.  The lack of them for some.  The excess of them for others.  The changing 'volumes' of them in others still.  For many of us they cause a great storm. Society likes to dismiss this by simply saying  "PMS"...or pfft Peri Menopause or even better just " WOMEN !".  The reason behind it maybe the Horror Moans but the destruction they leave in their wake is not any less real. The pain on the inside is far greater before the explosion-like a white head pimple(- happy I chose not to include a picture to go along with that analogy?- you're welcome).  Often the 'symptoms' are there under the surface long before those around us see it.  Often we don't recognize this about ourselves until it is too late....or by that time frankly we don't give a ________.

I have never really been an angry hormonal woman, and presently Barney is not here to dispute this, so we shall go with that!  I am more anxiety ridden, in the sense that every one and indeed even inanimate objects are against me.  I sound like a laugh riot don't I ?  I haven't really shared this in the past with Barney.  I mean how does one explain the illogical line of thinking that comes with PMS to a person who doesn't experience it? I mean I KNOW it isn't true, and yet that logical voice is so very soft spoken during this time.

Barney and I have touched on this since starting ttwd.  I also mentioned to him that PMS seems more out of control now since starting ttwd.  Turns out 9 out of 10 PMSing Dd wives agree!  Perhaps Premenstrual Syndrome  should cue a different PMS...premenstrual spanking? to break down the barriers.  Who knows ? What I do know that Horror Moans, tied up in a nice little package with the emotional 'bliss' that was the previous 2 weeks, had my tape measure recoiling and locking shut.

Once it was locked shut and 'safe'  new tactic was employed.  The " I don't care " tactic.  Oh....this one is very dangerous.  I am not talking about the I don't care, I'm in a huff....throw my stuff to the ground tactic.  The honest to goodness,  I don't care anymore.  Void of emotion.  No anger.  No hurt.  No sadness.  No longing.  Nothing.

This is where I settled on Thursday. After my previous post, I ran the full gamut of emotion.  Not true actually, I didn't hit contentment and bliss that is for sure.  I was hurt which always turns quite quickly to anger.  I stayed in that rut for a very long time.  Every once and a while Barney would test to see if the lock was on the tape measure still, but never really tugged.  Eventually a Cold War settled in our house.  This has never happened to us in all the years we have been married.  Yes we have avoided each other for an hour or two.  Yes we have most definitely had declared Cold War on issues..but not each other.  Never.

During this " I don't care phase" I could see glimpses of this girl...hear her quiet little voice.


I couldn't always hear what she was saying.  Or rather I wasn't listening to her.  This woman was blocking my view



( don't be fooled by the cute bird)


  I went to Barney and told him I no longer wanted to do TTWD.  I meant it.  It was not an attention seeking action

Barney " Where are you going"

W " Upstairs why?"

B- "Well I thought you might want to talk about this"

W- " I did.........2 days ago"

With that I left and basically scrubbed the grout out from between the tiles on my kitchen floor.  Barney quickly decided he needed to do something in the adjoining room. The tiny voice tried to reason with me.  The bully kept telling me I didn't care-that I had to protect myself.  Somehow that little voice inside weaseled her way to my eardrum.  Telling me that Barney didn't need to be in the dining room he was looking for an opening. I went downstairs with Barney to talk

For the most part the bully won out.  My brain was much louder than my heart.  I was like a dog with a bone.  Every time there was an explanation, I took it as an excuse. Weeks of frustration and hurt were guarding my heart and they had formed a 'nice' barrier.  I ended up reading something to Barney that an HoH had said to me in chat via his wife:

.


If he could tell him one thing it would be to step outisde his comfort zone, no matter how hard it was.
To do it every day, force himself.


me: Barney knows that...he keeps say he knows he has too...but ...

HOH via wife again-  B/c the response they get from us--the positive response is so great and it makes the next time easier.





We went around and around for a good 2 hours almost. I was calm but firm in my counters. I few times I lay my head on the back of the couch, stared at the ceiling and signed. We were no longer doing ttwd, so Wilma had left the building. Barney was dealing with ___________ now, and she wasn't giving an inch.




Although we didn't fight much in our previously life prior to ttwd, we were growing a part. I knew that eventually ending ttwd would end our marriage. Not now, or in the immediate future, but down the line. We had a taste, however small of how life can be with ttwd. I couldn't fathom going ahead knowing what could have been. That was brought up in our discussion. Also stepping outside of the comfort zone ( not just talking about spanking here) and taking a chance, a chance that you're wife feels might work, or staying snug and knowing it will most likely fail.




Too much pressure? You may scoff at me if you want, but this was honest communication, and in my mind we were done with ttwd anyway. There were eyes filled with tears during this discussion...but not mine. Cool _____ had taken over. In my mind  I had done as much work as I thought I could at the time. I didn't feel I could give anymore. I felt that we got to where we were because of me, and that when things became difficult and it was his turn to be uncomfortable, he woulnd't. If he truly couldn't, well then there was no point either. I expressed that doing nothing was worse than making a mistake. Sometimes the doing something was merely saying he was thinking about how to go about things. Communication


Some may see this as impatience on my part, but in the same breath say to another that the HoH dominance feeds the submission.  We both felt that the latter is where we were at.  That the patience is there,  but help is required in some areas- for both of us.

I was called away for a few minutes upstairs. I was in the kitchen after fixing myself something to drink. Barney came to me hand out stretched and said




" We need to take care of this right now"



Huh? I looked at my ice cubes in my drink, and then at the clock.




" But # 2 could be home in 20 minutes"




" That is why we have to do this now. The boys will be home for 3 days and then I am working 8 more in a row."



I stood there for a moment. The bully brain was silenced. The heart voice present.



" If you don't take his hand now, you are truly giving up.  I could be silenced forever and your marriage really could be over down the line"

I knew that the decision I had to make was the choice between the preservation of self, or the preservation of us.  If I didn't go with him I would be doing exactly what I accused him of-- Not choosing us.

I went.  What followed was the hardest hand spanking I ever received. It wasn't unbearable,but this certainly was no warm up! Barney never spanks with just his hand, as he says it ends up hurting his hand, before my bum.  I mentioned to him that it seemed like he had been holding out on me all this time with his hand spankings....actually it was more like..

" Hey Ouch!  Somebody's been holding out...ouch"

" Yeah, and there's a whole lot more in me to give too"

( giggle)  then this happened

" And in the future....I would appreciate it if you didn't roll your eyes at me during a conversation"  rapid fire smacks

Now I could have argued the point that we were 'broken' up from ttwd at the time, but I was just happy to hear it.

Things are better, how could they not be compared to last week?  There is more for me to do more for us to do..  There is more for me to share about  what I've discovered about myself.......perhaps another day.


54 comments:

  1. Oh wow wilma
    I started reading this and my heart was breaking for you.
    I'm glad you're sorting things out. I know saying having patience is one of those things that you don't want to hear, but I do truly think men react to life and situations very differently to how we do.
    Keep the communication going and don't shut down, it's worth it at the end.
    Hugs x

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    1. Sorry MBC

      It was not my intent to get people upset with the beginning portion of my post, that is just how I feel/ felt at the time.

      Delete
  2. Hey sweet Wilma...hormones suck don't they? I hope that you and Barney are able to continue in this direction...toward a resolution, toward connection.
    Love ya,
    Bea

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    1. Sweet Wilma ? Thanks for the compliment, even if it might be misguided :)

      Thanks for the encouragement.

      Love ya too!
      Willie

      Delete
  3. Hi Wilma! One of my closest friends gets a phone call from me, at least once a month, that when she picks up the phone I simply yell in her ear......I HATE EVERYONE!!!! Being the good friend that she is, she lets me vent for awhile then usually has me laughing by the time we hang up:) I loved your analogies....they are perfect!!!

    Sounds to me like you may have 'surrendered' after all.

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    1. Hey Betsy!

      I'm happy you made sense of my analogies. Hormones do suck but I guess the alternative isn't much better.

      Not sure about the surrendering- just yet * wink*

      Delete
  4. I was so worried for you after your last post, and then this one, at the beginning, I felt such pain. How your heart was hurting. :( I am so glad that you guys aren't "broken up" with DD any longer. :) You are right, once you step in, you can't step back out without it destroying, or at least, I wouldn't know how to. I hope that things only continue to improve from here. :)

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    1. Welcome Es May

      Thank you for your concern. I'm not sure how things are actually going to go around here. Improving might be a huge leap...holding steady might be the best we can hope for at the moment :)

      Thanks for commenting !
      Willie

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  5. I'm so glad that the two of you have begun to sort things out and are finding your way back to one another. No one ever said this road was easy, but it can be so worthwhile if you're traveling down it together. (((hugs)))

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    1. Hello Grace

      No this road is not easy, that is for sure :)

      Thanks for the hugs

      Willie

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  6. Wilma, the ups and downs during ttwd are much more extreme than without ttwd. You and Barney have once again proven this.
    Glad to read that you are on the way up again.

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    1. Hi Bas

      As to the first part of your comment- that they are! That they are.

      Thanks for the note

      Willie

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  7. Lovely post, Willie. Very very happy for you and the Barney-cat.
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. Barney-cat Lillie?

      BIG HUGS to you my friend

      Love
      Willie

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  8. LOL! I will e-mail you. Glad you are rolling out again!

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  9. The line about "doing nothing was worse than making a mistake" jumped out at me. Maybe him too? It seems like the talks were worth it and you both chose the right thing in the end:)

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    1. I certainly hope so :)

      Hope things are good with you Tess

      Willie

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  10. I'm so glad you have been able to really talk about your feelings. I think it'll help to have them aired out in the open. Hormones suck. We have them forever!

    Glad Barney's hand managed to cope! And just think of the bonus - you got a nice clean kitchen floor!

    Many hugs dear Willie,

    Ami

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    1. Well Ami,

      As you know I have 3 boys, a dog, and a whoooooooooole lotta snow outside my front door. My kitchen/entrance is one big area- the clean floor was short lived!

      Thanks for the many hugs

      Willie

      Delete
  11. I'm proud of you for posting this. I know this last week or so has been difficult. Choosing to preserve you marriage as opposed to preserving yourself is a HUGE thing. I am so glad you guys are working through this. (I mean if you left ttwd and stopped blogging, who else would lead me into trouble :)

    Love ya

    P

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    1. Thanks P

      As you know I struggled with the thought of blogging again, it wasn't an easy thing to do- nor did my fingers fly across the key board by any means.

      I am still struggling with the 'preservation of self' part of this entire ttwd.

      As for the leading YOU into trouble? Pffft....clearly you have been doing that all on your own LONG before I met you. I mean, no one can be THAT quick of a study!

      Love ya too
      You crazy chick
      Wilie

      Delete
  12. You go Barney! Yay Willie! I'm so happy that you didn't give into the bully and you found a better place. It's a work in progress. Take your time and be kind to Barney and yourself. Let me know if you need to talk.

    Love and hugs,
    TL

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    1. TL my personal cheer leader ! Thank you

      Love and hugs to you too

      Willie

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  13. It may not seem significant now...but making the choice to take his hand was huge. I am proud of you :)

    Much love my friend....

    Lucy

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    1. :-)

      Much love to you too my good friend...and thanks for everything.

      Willie

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  14. Sounds like things are rolling again in Bedrock. I am happy that you and Barney are working it all out. Sometimes we have to remember that the "w" in ttwd stands for the 2 people in the relationship and it takes 2 to equal "w".

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    1. Hi Cathie

      There does take 2 in every relationship. I'm not sure we are 'rolling' but we are thinking about how to...

      Willie

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  15. It may not seem like it at the time, but working through the most difficult times comes the most lasting growth.
    Wishing you & Barney resolution, growth & happiness :)

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  16. Lots of nice encouraging comments for you Wilma. Relationships are not easy. Marriage is not easy. TTWD is not easy. You add hormones and feelings and life events...well, it's not easy. Glad you have talked and are working on your relationship. That is all any of us can do. Wishing you and Barney well. Regards,

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    1. Welcome back SNP!

      No marriage isn't easy, especially when we have etched our 'coping' strategies in stone over several years. Hormones, well they seem to push me back into those etched grooves every time I think I have climbed out.

      Thanks for the well wishes

      Willie

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  17. Hey Willie - This is life, there is always more work. LOL The important thing is that you and Barney are working together. Keep Wilma in the building and quit listening to the 'bully'!

    BTW - Eye-rolling? Told ya so...

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hey Cat.

      Yeah, life never seems to take a vacation....sigh.

      Thanks for checking in on me last week. It meant a lot
      Love
      Willie

      Delete
  18. I was getting sad reading the start of this post..... I'm glad it had a happy ending :)

    Callie

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    1. Sorry to make you sad Callie. I hadn't realized the beginning would evoke those kinds of emotions in some.

      It is certainly no fairy tale ending...but it is a start.

      Willie

      Delete
  19. Oh Willie (now why do most of my comments start off like that with you?)
    My heart was breaking for you at the start of reading this. Our emotions are so all over the place with ttwd..and are more harder I think to deal with...let alone with the hormones running amuck too!!
    I am sooooooo glad that Barney did not let this go. That you ended up getting a spanking that has brought you both through this. (sorry for your butt though).
    It is an up hill journey, and I think you and I have spoken enough to know, that I know where you 'are at'.
    This I am glad has turned out good. This is one milestone that you have battled through together and that Barney decided to BE the Hoh. I hope that this continues and that you will both be 'staying in the building'

    Hugs Willie (lots of them)

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    1. Hey Hez

      Some day I truly hope to write a post that has you commenting Yay Willie! I miss those posts.

      It is an up hill climb ttwd, and it seems like we are always at the bottom of the same hill these days. Well back at the 'plan' to hike again.

      Willie

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  20. Hi Wilma, I think I've probably already said most of this to you ... but ...

    I have been so worried about you since your last post and am so sorry you guys have had such a rough time. Sorry too that you are still feeling raw and hope that those feelings dissipate. It may just take some time. Hormones really have a lot to answer for don't they? and yes, it can be worse with TTWD because we are more open, more vulnerable.

    I'm so glad to hear how this ended, that you started talking again and are now working together. I love what you said about choosing between the preservation of self or us.

    Silence the bully and listen to the little voice and don't shut down. You are making progress and yes, I know you don't want to hear this but patience.

    I agree with Mr BB too. With the most difficult times also comes the most, and most lasting growth.

    Wishing you the best on your continued journey.

    Love and ((Hugs))
    Roz

    ps I will be back to being your coffee buddy again soon. Back to normal routine next week - sigh

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    1. Hi Roz

      I will miss the hope of catching you in the early evening ( here ) when you go back to work :( But I did read you this morning with my coffee...

      Hormones and ttwd is a cocktail I have decided doesn't taste very good for sure!

      The preservation of self ( shutting down) is such an automatic response that I don't think it is going away anytime soon...but I'll try to not just hear the little voice but listen to her too.

      Thanks for all your help and Rick too during your vacation. I better get my act together soon....Lucy's having a baby...Emma's going back to Full time, your going back to work...she's the remaining ladies are REALLY going to have their hands full if I don't get it together soon!

      Love Willie

      Delete
  21. Sometimes after weeks like this that are so draining and end in "showdown" around here we just have to rest in each other a little bit and work with our commitment to the dynamic in gentle ways. It's usually a lot less intense for a few days b/c we're so drained, but it can be a very loving time. If you two are at all similar (and I realize you may not be) I hope you are experiencing some of the good fallout of last week.

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    1. Thank you Susie...not just for this comment but holding my hand through this.

      I think we are definitely in the draining end of this fall out. I know I certainly am. It is obvious to me that more communication is certainly needed here. That the incident above might have been a step in the right direction but by no means was a cure all. I think we actually have to discuss what happened last week before we can make plans for the future.

      Delete
  22. Willie, I really do remember feeling just like this in the first year or so of Dd, going through times of great disappointment, disconnect, anxiety and frustration. It hurt so much bc it was stood against the many times of tremendous intimacy and connectedness we also had. 3 steps forward and 2 back is just how it does. It's tough! And yes, it hurts!

    Hormones are...well can't live with them and as I've learned, can't live without them! Just an FYI, we did indeed put in place a PMS preventative spanking. Well prevention for me, self-defense for Grant! That truly helped So much! Have you read the link on my blog about Hormones and Spanking? It's under Domestic Discipline: Digits & maryanne on DD. It was a HUGE help for my husband in understanding what was going on and what he could do to help!

    Hope you feel better soon! Sara

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    1. Thank you so much once again Sara!

      It is so very difficult. Your comment had me thinking of Cinderella. Odd I know. How she happily sang and sewed with her little mouse friends, making her dress for the ball- filled with hope. She lived her dream night with her prince and then at midnight everything came crashing down around her. Sewing the dress the second time around, well you can go through the motions of it, but I seem to be seeing a piece of lace in the corner that I should go and pick up to be added, yet I haven't always the desire to do so now. Perhaps afraid that the dream night will never be the same. Or knowing that the dress will be rags again?

      I know faith and trust will be the only thing to keep me sewing, but it is very tough indeed.

      I will go over and read your suggested blog. Every little bit helps.

      Thank you !
      Willie

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  23. So glad things are better!!!!!

    I thought your tape measure analogy was perfect!

    Hugs,
    Elle

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    1. I was about to add that I am happy you enjoyed my tape measure analogy elle, but then I thought, well that is not good because that means you indeed have lived it too!

      Happy your test results we nothing like you thought!

      Hugs
      Willie

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  24. Isn't amazing how a simple act like spanking seems to help put the center back in our world. Hope things get a lot better for you both

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    1. Hello again Trazuredpet

      I can't even begin to think how that happens :)

      Thanks for the kind words
      Willie

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  25. Willie, I've tried to comment 3 times and each time it wanted me to be Anon.. I am not an Anon, but for whatever reason, Blogger has chosen this for me for some reason.

    Anyways - I'm glad to read how things ended and hopefully, the choice to listen to the little voice has proven helpful and is what you can turn to each time you hit a ttwd / Dd road bump - WHICH can happen often or most of us would have nothing for blog fodder!

    Don't listen to my other advices I give because I'm pretty sure some of them are bully voice related, as I get out of hand when it comes to communication - man/woman things! LOL

    Oh and the horror moans - I still think are a legit excuse even though "H" says they are not. I simply can't be held accountable for my actions when they intervene! Do you think Barney can buy that of you?

    Hang in there! remember the quiet little girl voice.. you may need her in the future too.


    HEY it let me be me! Not anon!

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  26. Well the quiet little girl voice talked me into make dessert tonight! Frigg...better get to it...kinda forgot the need to let the pudding cool before putting in the layers of the cake...Thank God it is -40 ( wait did I just say that) outside.

    Sorry you had such a rough go of it...commenting that is

    Willie

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  27. You are so cute. This sounds really familiar to me, hmmm. I don't think that I will remind Ty of those times. But making Ty prove to me that he is committed to ttwd has always made him mad and me sad. I have leaned to trust him. And when there are times that he seems to be somewhere else, not into ttwd, I have to trust him and wait. That is really, really hard too. One day at a time. Anddson't compare your relationship with anyone else's.

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  28. Hi Blondie!

    Soooo cute eh? huh...not so sure that Barney thought so last week. I can see how making them prove that they are committed to ttwd would make the husband angry, I suppose I would say that means the communication is not there at times then. Or so that is what Barney and I were discussing last week.....and well this week.

    So much better to see Ty written in my comment box as opposed to 'my husband'...lol

    Willie

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  29. What an amazing post, Wilma. My heart was aching for you, and I could very much picture your measuring tape zinging around.

    How wonderful that he recognized what was needed, even though you had shut down and expected nothing. Ttwd is indeed a bridge, so hard to comprehend sometimes, why or how it works the way it does, but it can pull a couple together so very quickly. I call it a cocoon for two, where you are so wrapped up in one another, and the intricacies of your love, the fascination of your dynamic, and the magic of your history together..the awe of your future. All of it.

    There WILL be hard times in this lifestyle. Doubts and struggles and speed bumps. It's such a learning experience. Continue on with this knowledge and expectation, so you can be ready...and see it as part of a priceless process. Keep that tape measure handy to reveal your own growth. ;)

    Stormy

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  30. Hello again Stormy!

    Thank you :)

    I like your cocoon for two.

    Ttwd is so much more of a learning experience than I could ever have imagined. I will *try* to see the struggles as part of the growth progress- I know it is, but boy is it difficult to believe it while you are in the thick of the struggle.

    Once again thanks for sharing some of your internet time with me

    Willie

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