I am not sure how to begin. I have much to say, ( I know you are all so shocked with that
I was sitting on our bed. Two of the kids were out, and one was on his way out. Barney mentioned that fact as he was standing near our love seat that I normally bend over for R/A. I responded with a barely audible grunt. He went on to inform me that I had been distancing these past few days, and he aimed to take care of that shortly. The words may have seemed HoH- like, but the tone was not. I told him no he didn't have to. He questioned if I was taking away my consent. I glared at him and asked him the point.
" The point? " he asked.
" Yeah the point. Oh right it has been 8 no 10 days now...."
To which he walked out the door and those were the last words we spoke that day, as he was leaving for work shortly after. I had already numbed myself so there was no gloating, pain, or disappointment in his actions or lack there of. Unfortunately one day turned into two. Oh we were polite roommates, able to discuss life things without issue. But as day two came to an end I melted long enough to wilt and die a small death.
What? Too dramatic? Grab and air sick bag, you ain't read nothing yet!
I soon began to do 'research' for a future blog post that I was to put out the next week. It required me to go back to the beginning of my blog. I started to read the posts again. You know when you blog and read blogs everyone is quick to warn you not to compare yourself with others? They are right. It can be detrimental when you read about a couple that is so full of hope, and happy and you long to be them- and you aren't 'there' yet. What happens when you find that the couple is actually the two of you? When you are reading your past posts and you feel like you are reading about total strangers ? You long for that feeling of hope and contentment that woman has. I'll tell you what happened to me. What little strength I had left, holding on to the edge gave way. I plummeted. I hit rock bottom. Not essentially hit rock bottom...(That has happened many times with ttwd before. The first major time was in this post which I actually pulled after first posting it. Not because of the contents of the post, but my comments after. Today I put it back up Longing for the Feelings of October and I will now keep it on my blog.) I hit rock. bottom.
The times I thought I stumbled and crumbled before were nothing compared to what I had experienced recently. I have in the past, withdrawn consent ( for about 1 hour) and also had it in my mind on more than one occasions that Barney and I were probably not going to continue ttwd anymore. But there was always a hope. The thought that if he reassures me, that he can, we can continue. What I thought was rock bottom before was actually this by comparison
For there is no hope to be seen or felt, or so it seems when you actually do hit rock bottom. Let me be clear, the incident I described above was not the cause of the plummet. It merely removed the last stone in front of the wheel of a very heavy cart that was ready to roll backwards down the hill. There had been something missing for such a long time. I tried to patch it. Many times I thought, okay now...THIS time...this is it! We are on our way. We are full steam ahead. Numerous patches did help, but there was something more underlying that I wasn't willing to face. Or rather that maybe I didn't know I had to face. I just knew something wasn't right. I will return to this after.
After reading my posts from last Fall, a sinking feeling came over me. There wasn't any thoughts just emotions - dread, so much sadness, and worst of all hopelessness. I retreated to a place I didn't think there was any return from. I cried off and on for days. Again not having specific thoughts, just so many tears. Barney had no clue what to do or say. I finally decided that we could no longer do this. Perhaps we were never cut out for it to begin with..I had probably said that tens of times before that day, but looking back those words were merely smoke and mirrors compare to last week.
I had to say good bye to Wilma for good. I had to try to figure out how to go on knowing that we had something that was working in our relationship. Something that was helping 'me' and in turn helping Barney and us. It would have been one thing to try and both of us not see any results and move on, but having just a nibble of a life together we wanted made this so much more difficult. I decided that my Spanks for Bas post would be my last. I would leave my blog up, because so many good people had invested so much time in our 'journey' and offered such sound advice, I thought maybe their words might help others. In about a months time, once my 'transformation' was complete I would write a good- bye post.
The most difficult thing I did was write thank you and good-bye emails ( or chats) to some of you. I didn't do it to be overly dramatic. I believed this to be the end. I wanted to make sure those who took me/us under their wing knew how much I appreciated them. ..and...After that,
down I went. Rock bottom. I felt like I was at naked at the bottom of a dry well. ( told you to grab the air sick bag~ but that is the visual I honestly had). I stayed there for the better part of 24 hours. In my mind after Barney left for work, I was going to go to a hotel for the night to compose myself. Mourn Wilma and what might have been. What briefly was. Then come back and try to live in a marriage that didn't contain resentment for what I thought was my husband not trying to give me what we needed.
The night before he talked to me and told me he wished that I wouldn't give up my blog friends. I told him, through my tears with my back to him, never once turning around, that talking to them would only remind me of a life I desired. It would be far too painful. He left me there without a word. What was there to say really?
On this day he once again came into our room. He said the boys were asking if I was sick. I didn't respond. Eventually he began to talk. I failed to see the point of this discussion because in my mind ttwd was over. I was done trying to live something he didn't want. Done trying to 'shove' this gift at him because he seemed to not want it. There were many awkward pauses in our conversation. He told me that he loved me and that I was the most important thing in the world to him. That " nothing, nothing matters more to me than you ". Hardened, I sat up and looked at him.
" Something clearly does, because you yourself said ttwd was working, and yet you can't get past something to continue it. That something means more to you than me. Than us " and then I resumed my position.
He calmly sat there for a while, then commented that he knows it works, but he can't figure out why it works and he needs to know why it works.
Here is a prime example of me being ahead of Barney in ttwd. I too went through that a long while ago. Wondering why it worked. What was the matter with me? Why can't I just change if I want to? I finally came to the realization that it didn't really matter why. I was just grateful that it did. I explained this to him.
" Do you have a problem with the spanking? "
" No. But I know it is not just about that"
" I think if this is to work. ( long pause) I need to do this everyday. For me."
" This thing we do? Do it every day?" ( I was confused because that is the point of it all)
" No, well yes...but I need to spank you every day "
" Um, okay."
" It will be for reconnection. I think you need it, but sometimes it will definitely be more than that knowing you"
Once again I burst out laughing..what can I say?
" Pffft...I doubt that!"
" uh huh"
We then discussed taking action now, as it had been so long, but he had decided to take care of it when he came home from work~ to establish a pattern. I was irked. I didn't want to wait another 12 hours, not too mention the boys would be home. He was unmoved by it all. Kissed me and left for work.
Something happened in me. A weight was lifted. Without a finger layed upon me, I felt different. I felt like I did at the very start of ttwd. I felt hopeful. I climbed out of that well. Yes Barney helped. But the thing that was weighing me down all this time?....control.
I am not pretending to be wise by any means.
I suppose the bottom had its advantages..because I was totally stripped down to nothing and had nothing to loose, and everything to gain by trusting Barney. And in those moments in our bedroom I did and I continue to.
That night he came home from work and woke me up. Ah yes, woken up for a spanking. Our oldest was still wandering around. I said
" I'm nervous, Heir to the Throne is sit up"
" I know so am I. But we -I have to do this" At that he put his hand out for me to go to him. He was propped up against our head board. I haven't been otk for months. Usually I am on the bed, or over the end of the back of the 'loveseat' at the end of our bed. Once I was there he talked to me for a few minutes while rubbing my backside.
" I've been looking forward to this all day"
" WHAT?!" I shot back.
" Well not so much THIS but being able to reconnect with you" At that he used the silent plastic hanger ( for the record I hate admitting I am being spanked by a bloody coat hanger. It sounds like we should be on one of those TLC Reality TV shows where they have subtitles for the people ...who supposedly speak English!). And reconnect we did!
This has pretty much continued every night since. The odd time he has woken me up to say he is not going to spank me because it is too late or he is going to in the morning. Odd as it sounds it allows me know that he hasn't forgot. I find the night time spankings annoying...( something he was none too impressed to 'hear' by accident...) because they are short and stingy and leave me more angry. So yesterday...I was on the receiving end of a different kind !...and giggling during a spanking Wilma has returned. I have no clue why.
Right. Back to the control thing. I thought I gave up control. Something many of us think we do, but I hadn't. Every spanking save the one described in the Wilma has Left the Building Post ( which to this day is still the worst spanking I have received) I have controlled. I have reminded him that he said he was going to. I have manipulated him to remember. Even my punishment spanking after New Years Eve, I just wanted it over so I was the one to ensure the boys were out of the house. These are just some of the examples of things I did to chip away at the HoH foundation that Barney was trying to build. I didn't do it intentionally, but this trust word that many of us TiH like to use, well I was not giving it to him. Yes in some situations they have to earn it. But by not trusting that he can figure this out, I wasn't giving him control. I was steering.
This will most likely only be lip service to anyone who is not prepared to hear it. I know. I've been that person for 3 months. I can't suggest how anyone go about giving up control. Some of you might have an HoH who you think should take it from you. I only know that that would not have worked here. Our control situation looked something like this ( um, naturally that is me on top...lol)
Have I noticed a change in Barney since I climbed out of the well of despair ( hey I warned you) ? Yes...Are we running forward no. we are going very slowly outside of the nightly spankings..( Alright is my bum bruised from all these spankings..?.not too bad). But there is something different about the way he is at the moment. Am I silly enough to think that this switch in me is permanent ? Heck no! I'm Willie remember? Who according too my husband is getting a little too sassy...pfft ..Can you believe I received two ( requested ) whacks yesterday for being sassy to a blog land friend..? .Honestly! I do need to be better supervised when picking friends.
Here is what I do know. This plummet happened because of both us. In the beginning, I was doing in hopes that we would start ttwd..and that was the greatest time in our relationship, because I didn't expect anything in return...no 'help. 'As time went on, I started to get edgy,because help did indeed come from Barney but only sporadically That is when things started to crumble. This was both of our faults- he would help but then not...so I stopped living up to my part of the bargain. I started, bit by bit to harden. Then I would take back control by manipulating Barney to remember to follow through, ( among other things). All the while chipping away at his confidence and stealing back what little ground he had gained as a leader.
Here is where the real danger comes in. - Instead of turning to myself to see how I could have contributed, I began to mentally accuse him of the distance that continually occurred. If he only followed through. Why doesn't he ______? But you can only control yourself.
All of this is easier said than done I know so well, trust me.
All is not perfect in me. I am not cured or saved...don't get me wrong. I still can see the empty well behind me-but I have NO desire to go there again
So one shaky foot at a time.....I am following Barney away from it