Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hitting Rock Bottom (unfortunately not describing spanking my bum)

Goodness it has been so long since I have written a post that doesn't include the sweetness of a newborn, Bas or candy.  I'm not sure if I still know how.  Make no mistake , this one will contain very little sweetness throughout most of it.

I am not sure how to begin.  I have much to say, ( I know you are all so shocked with that insider information).  For a long time now, things have seemed 'off '.  If you have read this blog from the beginning or at least for a while, you have heard me mention this- usually once a month.  Don't kid yourself Horror Moans DO play an unfortunate role in life, but more so in ttwd.  Nevertheless that is not what I am referring to.  Once again Barney we seemed to be on an 8 day cycle.  You are familiar with it...we 'try' to live the ttwd lifestyle but nothing is discussed and on the 8th day or so I get spanked.  R/A which I have mentioned in our house  stands for Reconnection Appointment, not role affirmation as no roles have truly been established.

This particular month even the 8th day had come and gone. Still no conversations about ttwd.  I wasn't even sure if he had read my blog posts, which is odd because normally he does at least that every other day or so.  As I do every time, I started to pull away.  By day 10 there wasn't much of me that was melty at all.



I was sitting on our bed.  Two of the kids were out, and one was on his way out.  Barney mentioned that fact as he was standing near our love seat that I normally bend over for R/A.  I responded with a barely audible grunt.  He went on to inform me that I had been distancing these past few days, and he aimed to take care of that shortly. The words may have seemed HoH- like, but the tone was not. I told  him  no he didn't have to.  He questioned if I was taking away my consent.  I glared at him and asked him the point. 

" The point? " he asked.

" Yeah the point.  Oh right it has been 8 no 10 days now...."

To which he walked out the door and those were the last words we spoke that day, as he was leaving for work shortly after.  I had already numbed myself so there was no  gloating, pain, or  disappointment in his actions or lack there of.  Unfortunately one day turned into two.  Oh we were polite roommates, able to discuss life things without issue.  But as day two came to an end I melted long enough to wilt and die a small death.



What?  Too dramatic?  Grab and air sick bag, you ain't  read nothing yet!

I soon began to do 'research' for a future blog post that I was to put out the next week.  It required me to go back to the beginning of my blog.  I started to read the posts again.  You know when you blog and read blogs everyone is quick to warn you not to compare yourself with others?  They are right.  It can be detrimental when you read about a couple that is so full of hope, and happy and you long to be them- and you aren't 'there' yet.  What happens when  you find that the couple is actually the two of you?  When you are reading your past posts and you feel like you are reading about total strangers ? You long for that feeling of hope and contentment that woman has.  I'll tell you what happened to me.  What little strength I had left, holding on to the edge gave way.  I plummeted.  I hit rock bottom.  Not essentially hit rock bottom...(That has happened many times with ttwd before.  The first major time was in this post which I actually pulled after first posting it.  Not because of the contents of the post, but my comments after.  Today I put it back up Longing for the Feelings of October and I will now keep it on my blog.)  I hit rock. bottom.

The times I thought I stumbled and crumbled before were nothing compared to what I had experienced recently.  I have in the past, withdrawn consent ( for about 1 hour) and also had it in my mind on more than one occasions that Barney and I were probably not going to continue ttwd anymore. But there was always a hope.  The thought that if he reassures me, that he can, we can continue. What I thought was rock bottom before was actually this by comparison




For there is no hope to be seen or felt, or so it seems when you actually do hit rock bottom.  Let me be clear, the incident I described above was not the cause of the plummet.  It merely removed the last stone in front of the wheel of a  very heavy cart that was ready to roll backwards down the hill.  There had been something missing for such a long time.  I tried to patch it.  Many times I thought, okay now...THIS time...this is it!  We are on our way.  We are full steam ahead.  Numerous patches did help, but there was something more underlying that I wasn't willing to face.  Or rather that maybe I didn't know I had to face.  I just knew something wasn't right. I will return to this after.

After reading my posts from last Fall, a sinking feeling came over me.  There wasn't any thoughts just emotions - dread, so much sadness, and worst of all hopelessness.  I retreated to a place I didn't think there was any return from.  I cried off and on for days.  Again not having specific thoughts, just so many tears.  Barney had no clue what to do or say.  I finally decided that we could no longer do this.  Perhaps we were never cut out for it to begin with..I had probably said that tens of times before that day, but looking back those words were merely smoke and mirrors compare to last week. 

I had to say good bye to Wilma for good.  I had to try to figure out how to go on knowing that we had something that was working in our relationship.  Something that was helping 'me' and in turn helping Barney and us.  It would have been one thing to try and both of us not see any results and move on, but having just a nibble of a life together we wanted made this so much more difficult.  I decided that my Spanks for Bas post would be my last.  I would leave my blog up, because so many good people had invested so much time in our 'journey' and offered such sound advice, I thought maybe their words might help others.  In about a months time, once my 'transformation' was complete I would write a good- bye post.

The most difficult thing I did was write thank you and good-bye emails ( or chats) to some of you.  I didn't do it to be overly dramatic.  I believed this to be the end.  I wanted to make sure those who took me/us under their wing knew how much I appreciated them. ..and...After that, 




down I went.  Rock bottom.  I felt like I was at naked at the bottom of a dry well. ( told you to grab the air sick bag~ but that is the visual I honestly had).  I stayed there for the better part of 24 hours.  In my mind after Barney left for work, I was going to go to a hotel for the night to compose myself.  Mourn Wilma and what might have been.  What briefly was. Then come back and try to live in a marriage that didn't contain resentment for what I thought was my husband not trying to give me what we needed.

 The night before he talked to me and told me he wished that I wouldn't give up my blog friends.  I told him, through my tears with my back to him, never once turning around, that talking to them would only remind me of a life I desired.  It would be far too painful.  He left me there without a word.  What was there to say really?

On this day he once again came into our room.  He said the boys were asking if I was sick.  I didn't respond.  Eventually he began to talk. I failed to see the point of this discussion because in my mind ttwd was over. I was done trying to live something he didn't want.  Done trying to 'shove' this gift at him because he seemed to not want it.  There were many awkward pauses in our conversation.  He told me that he loved me and that I was the most important thing in the world to him.  That " nothing, nothing matters more to me than you ".  Hardened, I sat up and looked at him.

" Something clearly does, because you yourself said ttwd was working, and yet you can't get past something to continue it.  That something  means more to you than me.  Than us "  and then I resumed my position. 

He calmly sat there for a while, then commented that he knows it works, but he can't figure out why it works and he needs to know why it works. 

Here is a prime example of me being ahead of Barney in ttwd.  I too went through that a long while ago.  Wondering why it worked.  What was the matter with me?  Why can't I just change if I want to?  I finally came to the realization that it didn't really matter why.  I was just grateful that it did.  I explained this to him.

Again silence. 

" Do you have a problem with the spanking? "

" No.  But I know it is not just about that"

Silence


I honestly didn't know what or if he could say anything to make it better for me/us and I don't think he came into our room with a plan that day either.  The next thing he said surprised me.  He didn't say it in a desperate, or an HoH voice. It was almost if he said it to himself.

" I think if this is to work. ( long pause) I need to do this everyday.  For me."

" This thing we do?  Do it every day?" ( I was confused because that is the point of it all)

" No, well yes...but I need to spank you every day "

say what?

" Um, okay."

" It will be for reconnection.  I think you need it, but sometimes it will definitely be more than that knowing you"

Once again I burst out laughing..what can I say? 

" Pffft...I doubt that!"

" uh huh"

We then discussed taking action now, as it had been so long, but he had decided to take care of it when he came home from work~ to establish a pattern.  I was irked.  I didn't want to wait another 12 hours, not too mention the boys would be home.  He was unmoved by it all.  Kissed me and left for work.



Something happened in me.  A weight was lifted.  Without a finger layed upon me, I felt different.  I felt like I did at the very start of ttwd.  I felt hopeful.  I climbed out of that well.  Yes Barney helped.  But the thing that was weighing me down all this time?....control.

I am not pretending to be wise by any means.

I suppose the bottom had its advantages..because I was totally stripped down to nothing and had nothing to loose, and everything to gain by trusting Barney.  And in those moments in our bedroom I did and I continue to.

  That night he came home from work and woke me up.  Ah yes, woken up for a spanking.  Our oldest was still wandering around.  I said

" I'm nervous, Heir to the Throne is sit up"

" I know so am I.  But we -I have to do this"  At that he put his hand out for me to go to him.  He was propped up against our head board.  I haven't been otk for months.  Usually I am on the bed, or over the end of the back of the 'loveseat' at the end of our bed.  Once I was there he talked to me for a few minutes while rubbing my backside.


" I've been looking forward to this all  day"

" WHAT?!"  I shot back.

"  Well not so much THIS but being able to reconnect with you"  At that he used the silent plastic hanger ( for the record I hate admitting I am being spanked by a bloody coat hanger.  It sounds like we should be on one of those TLC Reality TV shows where they have subtitles for the people ...who supposedly speak English!).  And reconnect we did!

This has pretty much continued every night since.  The odd time he has woken me up to say he is not going to spank me because it is too late or he is going to in the morning.  Odd as it sounds it allows me know that he hasn't forgot.  I find the night time spankings annoying...( something he was none too impressed to 'hear' by accident...) because they are short and stingy and leave me more angry.  So yesterday...I was on the receiving end of a different kind !...and giggling during a spanking Wilma has returned.  I have no clue why.

Right.  Back to the control thing.  I thought I gave up control.  Something many of us think we do, but I hadn't.  Every spanking save the one described in the Wilma has Left the Building Post ( which to this day is still the worst spanking I have received)  I have controlled.  I have reminded him that he said he was going to.  I have manipulated him to remember.  Even my punishment spanking after New Years Eve, I just wanted it over so I was the one to ensure the boys were out of the house.  These are just some of the examples of things I did to chip away at the HoH foundation that Barney was trying to build.  I didn't do it intentionally, but this trust word that many of us TiH like to use, well I was not giving it to him.  Yes in some situations they have to earn it.  But by not trusting that he can figure this out, I wasn't giving him control.  I was steering. 

This will most likely only be lip service to anyone who is not prepared to hear it.  I know.  I've been that person for 3 months.  I can't suggest how anyone go about giving up control.  Some of you might have an HoH who you think should take it from you.  I only know that that would not have worked here.  Our control situation looked something like this ( um, naturally that is me on top...lol)







Have I noticed a change in Barney since I climbed out of the well of despair ( hey I warned you) ? Yes...Are we running forward no. we are going very slowly outside of the nightly spankings..( Alright is my bum bruised from all these spankings..?.not too bad). But there is something different about the way he is at the moment.  Am I silly enough to think that this switch in me is permanent ?  Heck no!  I'm Willie remember?  Who according too my husband is getting a little too sassy...pfft ..Can you believe I received two ( requested ) whacks yesterday for being sassy to a blog land friend..? .Honestly!  I do need to be better supervised when picking friends.

Here is what I do know.  This plummet happened because of both us.   In the beginning, I  was doing in hopes that we would start ttwd..and that was the greatest time in our relationship, because I didn't expect anything in return...no 'help. 'As time went on, I started to get edgy,because help did indeed come from Barney but only sporadically  That is when things started to crumble. This was both  of our faults- he would help but then not...so I stopped living up to my part of the bargain. I started, bit by bit to harden.  Then  I would take back control by manipulating Barney to remember to follow through, ( among other things).  All the while chipping away at his confidence and stealing back what little ground he had gained as a leader.

Here is where the real danger comes in. - Instead of turning to myself to see how I could have contributed, I began to mentally accuse him of the distance that continually occurred.  If he only followed through.  Why doesn't he ______?  But you can only control yourself. 
All of this is easier said than done I know so well, trust me.


All is not perfect in me.  I am not cured or saved...don't get me wrong.  I still can see the empty well behind me-but I have NO desire to go there again






So one shaky foot at a time.....I am following Barney away from it

49 comments:

  1. I am happy that Barney led you out of the well...and I am thrilled that you are letting him lead and not trying to tell him how:) I am saddened that it took hitting rock bottom or well bottom, as it were, to do it. And I am hopeful that you can read positive stories and not compare, because there is only one you and only one Barney and only one Wilma/Barney journey...and I feel like you are going places and we can learn a lot from the good AND from the not so good.
    Love, Bea

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    1. Well hopefully you learn what NOT to do from us at least! Here's hoping for our sake those moments are fewer~ but let's be realistic here!

      love willie

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  2. I actually logged on to write a post and saw you had posted. I am glad things are moving froward again. It is very true, sometimes our biggest frustrations come from not being able to manipulate or control things to happen the way we want and we don't realize we are doing it.
    Yah to Barney for stepping up!

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    1. Sorry to take you away from your writing Birdy. Control is a very difficult monster to, well control!

      um, yeah, yay Barney! lol

      Can't wait to read your post
      love willie

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    2. OMG! Came back to read your response and had to paddle way down my iPad with both thumbs. My husband looked at me like I was crazy! I think blogger really doesn't like you Willie! What did you do to tic him off?

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  3. What a raw post, thank you for sharing. It sounds like things are headed in the right direction. Even baby steps will get you further and further away from that well.

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    1. Hey dancingbarez

      Welcome back! I suppose this is quite different from the Candy Post you first read here isn't it?

      Thanks for the encouragement

      cheers! willie

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  4. I am very happy that you both seem so much better!
    What you say points out a lesson to many of us...We can only change ourselves. When someone wants to change they will.
    It seems that you changing your perception has allowed Barney a way to change and act.

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    1. We are certainly working on it Minelle. I hope I can continue to act in a manner that will give Barney what he requires :)

      love willie

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  5. You sure give extra perspective to the ups and downs of ttwd. There are many forms of control and giving it up completely is impossible. But you can try, bit by bit, until you reach a point where you both are comfortable.

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    1. Hmmmm Monsieur Bas...trying to figure out the tone of your first sentence...lol

      Excellent point though!

      love willie

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  6. Well, my comment seems to ha ve disappeared in that well behind you.
    But I am glad that you are again on your way!

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    1. Nope I asked Barney to go and fish them out for me :)

      thanks Bas!

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  7. WOW!! Wilma I am so glad things are going well. Minelle is correct when she said this post will be one that helps many!! Here's hoping yours and Barney's relationship will be the one others are wanting theirs to become. I can hear it now, we will tell them..... read Wilma's older post Barney wasn't always that way!

    I'm smiling, but I still don't understand how you survive getting spanked almost every night!?!?!

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    1. What kind words Betsy...

      Yeah well this spanking every day thing is getting old. What?..just saying

      love willie

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  8. Wow, this is a good read and great move forward.
    I think that Barney saying-
    "I think if this is to work. ( long pause) I need to do this everyday. For me."
    Gave you the open door to let go, and you did! Even if it wasn't in an HOH tone, Barney was basically telling you that he DID want it to work and He had to do it. You move was to follow him from that well and incest your trust, He was tossing you a rope.
    It's like what Minelle said above exactly, When someone wants change, they will. Sounds like he is ready.

    Happy to see where this will lead!

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    1. Glad you enjoyed 'the read' Emi.lol

      Yes Barney is holding up his end of the bargin. Not great for my 'end' but he has pretty much been consistant.

      I did let go, but it is very difficult to maintain lack of control. Hmm? Makes it sound like I'm out of control. Which is an acurate statement at times for sure.

      love~ willie

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  9. Sorry that you hit rock bottom, but very relieved to hear that you are distancing yourseslf from the well with Barney leading you along. Good for the both of you! You, for giving up some of your control and Barney, for taking more control. But please remember to keep communicating your needs to Barney (in a non-controlling way of course) like telling him when he has done a good job of being HoH.

    Tomorrow is another day, so rejoice and be glad in it! Sure there will be some bumps along the way, but traveling along the smooth super highway is boooring.

    Together, I know y'all will find what is right for both of you, so hang in there cause we would all miss you if you left.

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    1. Thank you George

      The thought of saying good-bye to everyone here was such a low point for me, on top of all that was going on.

      It certainly hasn't been a 'smooth' ride over the last little bit, even since this post. Emotions are still running high. Trust is slow to be built back.

      We are trying. I suppose that is the most important part.

      love~willie

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  10. Wow Wlima Rubble :)

    You know, some times hitting rock bottom, is what saves us, because you have to deal with the situation.
    Barney Obviously wants this, and needs this as much as you do. I think you hit the nail on the head, when you said, you went through a phase very early on wondering why ttwd works, and now he's getting there. I do think our men, need to catch up with us.
    Most of us have researched this life for a long time, and still read and talk to others, but we don't realise, that the men don't have this, and have to slowly catch up with us.
    I know who am I to talk, I have more issues than I'd like to admit, and run to you for advise all the time. So glad you're not leaving us, who else am I going to moan to, when I'm in trouble again:))

    Hon i'm pleased for you, as you said, take it one step at a time, you'll get there x

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    1. Well your in luck, you can continue to run to me for bad advice that you are going to ignore for a while longer yet!

      love~willie

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  11. All this made absolutely perfect sense. So much so that I am going to ask Hoh to read it. Glad that you are 'on track'

    Hugs Willie :)

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    1. Thank you Hez.
      I hope you two can find something useful out of this trainwreck.

      love~~willie

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  12. Oh Wilma,I am so sorry that you have been having a torrid time. I am glad to hear that you are trudging away from the well, albeit slowly. I understand exactly what you are going through, ttwd appears to work sporadically in this house too. I hope you two are able to keep on going, chin up Wilma.love Janxx
    P.S. I don't like the sound of the coathanger:(

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    1. Hey Jan!

      The coat hanger sounds so Red Neck I know. It really is quiet, and stingy. Mostly it just makes me angry. I think most likely because he stops sooner ~ he's trying to spank during the day now if the house is empty, so wood it is..

      We were in a horrid place that is for sure. Things are getting better bit by bit, and communication is now instant. Hopefully that stays consistant.

      love~willie

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  13. Wow..... sometimes it really does take us hitting rock bottom to get things remotely moving again. I'm glad you are now moving in the right direction again.

    Callie

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    1. Thanks Callie!

      We are both trying. We still aren't both succeeding but one of these days maybe.

      willie

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  14. I hear myself in your words Wilma. It's so hard not to try to control ttwd. Thankyou for your wise council.
    Bea

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    1. Well welcome Bea!

      I'm so sorry you hear yourself in my words. Also my wise council? Eeek I'm not so sure how wise my council is.

      Thanks for stopping by. I hope to hear from you again.
      willie

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  15. Morning Willie, how is the coffee this morning? Feels like a while since we have been morning coffee/bedtime buddies!

    This is an amazing post. Thank you for being so honest and sharing the ups and downs with us. I am so happy you two seem to be back on track and moving forward. I'm so sorry you got to such a low place first though.

    You talk about reading past posts and seeing the hope. I'd say that hope is there. It sounds as though Barney is finding his HoH groove. When Rick started RA, he too said that sometimes it would be because he felt he needed it, I might need it or both of us.

    You are right that you can only change yourself, you can't 'force' someone else to change. It sounds as though Barney is now ready.

    Love and (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Hey Scrappy.

      I notice that these R/A sessions are changing Barney a bit. He is building a foundation for himself, with the bricks from the wall his is trying to tear down within me.

      It is a slow process. But it is his process. I have to trust that it will bring us in the direction that we need.

      love ya! willie

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  16. Oh Willie you'e got me crying buckets! I knew something was wrong. I am absolutely exhausted and strung out with the tension you've generated.

    I'm so glad that things are finally 'en route'. And I do admit to being just a tad envious. But no-one should have to get to the bottom of a well before they see the stars above. At least Barney wants to do this!

    Many hugs, Ami

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    1. Oh Ami,
      Sorry about the tears, trust me when I say I cried enough for everyone here last week. The road we are on is bumpy at best. It is not an easy thing this giving up control, especially when the person you are trying to give it to doesn't always seem to want it.

      As for rock bottom, it was important I believe. Fighting to not hit the bottom was causing me to harden when really I should have just let go.

      Things will evolve for everyone at their own pace. I do believe that, provided at least one person believes it is possible.
      Keep the faith Ami.
      Big Hugs and much Love willie

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  17. Well friend, I know I sort of knew much of this as it was happening, but I really do think it was great for you to write it down--to see the steps, to recognize the rock bottom as well as what it took to take those first few steps back up. I hope you and Barney have a good talk about it too, b/c these glimpses inside are helpful for him as well.

    The control monster is a bugger. I'd like to say that we see her once, recognize her, toss her down the well behind us and she goes away. Nope...she hides under our bed and eats all the crumbs and then pops out just when we think she's gone. Remembering how much she is a part of us during these first years of role reversal is huge Willie! Giving her up over and over again builds trust with our husbands and opens the door for them to grow as leaders. I promise you that. I've experienced it over and over.

    Hey Barney...my MM has heard this story as it has played out as well. You've gotten a few virtual fist bumps over the past week or so. He says to keep up the good work. Literally. Bah!

    Sorry Willie...I had to report back from both of us. BCF and all, ya know. :)

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    1. Hrmph...fist bump..you know the visual I had on that one Susie ( not brave enough to share that here though )

      Yes my BCF ( bossy caring friend )you were a huge help and HEAVY on the bossy! lol- but more so on the caring.

      That *&%$# control monster has been poking her head back in the room a bit all ready, but I am trying. Barney is quicker to address her now too.

      Thanks MM for your perspective along the way. It helped soften me after I crawled out of the well.

      love to you both
      willie

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  18. Wilma, that was a wonderful, beautiful post. I too will be sharing this with Hubby. It is great that Barney said what would help him do this. I'm sorry your behind has to pay for what will work for him, but I'm guessing your heart doesn't mind in the least. :)

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    1. Well Es May to answer your last statement...yes and NO. LOL. At first I was happy that he was following through. Next I was annoyed. Now I'm just taking it like the 'angel' I am...Don't believe me? Good you've been paying attention

      Not sure what you ladies are getting out of this post but if it helps someone I'm grateful. Although I would certainly hate to think of anyone else feeling so hopeless. Perhaps it will help someone not reach this point.
      love willie

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  19. I am so very happy to hear the optimism in your words!
    I swear ttwd could be compared to learning to write with the other hand. It isn't easy for either partner in your relationship, because in some (most) cases it seems like every dynamic in the marriage has to be re-learned. A normal response to that in HoHs is to back off. I just learned that listening to Ian pontificate on our early attempt at dd last night.
    The direct result of that is that the TiH wife (who is also relearning basic skills under this new world order) feels neglected. It really is the making of the perfect storm.
    The good news is that you guys are finding your way - if that means you have to hit bottom (no pun intended) it is understandable. Sometimes when you completely take something apart, it is easier to see how it works and then put it back together on your own terms.
    Loved this post, Willie. Love it.
    I read it. Then Ian and I read it. Then we talked about it. We were very proud of you Rubbles.
    Ian remarked pointedly during our conversation that (in his opinion) he thought the idea of daily spankings was genius (good grief).


    hugs and love
    lillian (and Ian)

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    1. I was *SHOCKED* at Ian's opinion about the daily spanking! Okay not. Actually when Barney said that guess who came to mind? Like one of those wavy visions off to the side in a bad movie, smiling like the Cheshire Cat with a ginormous mustache.

      Regardless of my feelings toward these 'sessions', they really to seem to be helping Barney. In turn I am responding somewhat too. Both of us slowly and guarded, but it is become easier.

      Not sure we deserve your pride, but we'll take it anyway.
      love to you and slap happy!
      willie

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  20. Very happy to read this post, Willie.

    Elisa Xo

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  21. From practically nothing to everyday? Yeeowch! It sounds like you're holding up pretty well though, so far...Here's to many more shaky steps together!

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    1. Well to coin Minelle's favourite phrase as of late, feast or famine Cygnet!

      Oh what I wouldn't do for a few hunger pains! LOL

      Thanks!
      willie

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  22. See the first blog I read now that I'm done PMSing, not eating right, and challenging my HOH is yours. I'm so happy to read that you and Barney are in a better place. Trust is hard. Trust me I know. It takes time, and it will take time to build. Don't be in a rush. Just enjoy the moment. If you spend all your time waiting for the next big thing, you never get to enjoy all the awesome little things along the way. Tell Barney I said you need a swat for those smart comments on my blog this morning. LOL.

    Lots of Love,
    TL

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  23. I am SO not sharing swat suggestions anymore with Barney !

    Well the 'great' thing about being figuratively stripped naked, every thread you find along your walk home is so appreciated.

    Lots of Love back at ya!
    willie

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  24. A deeply moving post. Thank-you for sharing your raw emotions. I am glad things are looking up... Hugs, Terps

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  25. What an amazing post! I can completely relate to the feeling of wanting this to work and feeling like it's never going to happen. My heart hurt for you when you talked about going to a hotel to say goodbye to ttwd. I keep ending up in that spot but still want it so bad. I'm thrilled to hear that it's now working for you guys. I'm still hoping that we'll find oir way. Baby steps! C

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