Sunday, February 10, 2013

Panning for Gold

 A little background on the situation I recently found myself in.  Warning for those who are still holding out that I am an angel, you might become crushed. Let me share what Susie sent me Saturday morning.  She apparently thought of me when she saw this ???

I know right?  Strangely this little angel has a slight resemblance to me as a young girl.... strictly coincidental 

I have mentioned to some of you that our ttwd seems to resemble the movie Ground Hog Day, and it has been equally as enjoyable.  We talk.  Barney says 'xyz' is going to happen from now on.  Reconnection Appointment happens ( spanking ) and then nothing until the following week.  We talk, Barney agrees that 'xyz' didn't happen but it will from now on.spanking...Repeat  

This week were were approaching day 8 AGAIN with no reconnection whatsoever- not even the kind vanilla couples have. Now normally I would gently remind my husband about how we were off schedule.  The schedule that he laid out by the way.  This time I didn't have in me.  Nope not doing it.  He'll do it or not.  I'm not contributing to this aspect anymore.  Sure there was no expectation, therefore I believed no hurt when things didn't progress as he said they would.  What was then left?  An empty shell of a ttwd wife.  Numb.  Fine.  I sat in my self righteous anger... somewhat on simmer, but not quite a boil.

Barney had Thursday off.  He informed me that his work was not going to be a distraction as he was finally caught up.  Great.  Although inside I still had reservations. The day came and went.  No R/A no adult fun time.  Two people in the same house.  Sure we both were doing things, not actively avoiding each other.  Not actively seeking each other out either.  Oh well we did have Friday.

Friday came....guess what?  SNOW DAY.  Now I am not such a b*tch that I would blame a snow storm on my husband- only I suppose am.  They predicted this storm.  We knew it was a possibility. Barney is a bit of a weather geek, ( yes he keeps great company with at least ONE other HoH out there).  This development seemed to scream at me about Thursday, " Oh sure why do today what you can put off until tomorrow"..  So let us say the beginning of my fire was laid out..

Now before I continue delving into my major, um character assassination, I want to remind faithful readers, that week after week, Barney, not me has said things were going to change.  He upped role affirmation as many here call it, to two times a week before Christmas....never happened.  He has said since the beginning that we were going to chat alone every day about ttwd, or at least strive for it.  A few minutes is not difficult to carve out in a day.  Doesn't happen.  He also upped our R/A to several times a week...still hasn't happen more than once every 8 days or so.  I am just letting you know what was going through my mind- as all of these things were brought up last week- by him again. Silent implements were also brought up for night time spankings if he saw fit.....OKAY carrying on. 

Our oldest was still sleeping and our younger two were going to walk to the store.  He informed me not to bother getting dressed for the day as we needed to do ttwd...( Oh it has been 8 days already?)  Life got in the way.  The snow storm increased.  We needed to get to the store to buy food for the hoard so they were satisfied for a few hours until they proclaimed,while staring into a packed refrigerator that there was nothing to eat.  FINE.  Off we go. ..( This wouldn't have been an issue YESTERDAY. Remember - Wilma you not in charge here )

Despite the blustery day.  I was quite warm.Quietly  smoldering. ( You have always reminded him, or written a post Wilma.  He NEVER does this on his own.  The only time was the Wilma has left the building day.  Then we was desperate.  WELL NO MORE. Pffft.  If he wants ttwd, he can actually try being an HoH )

We arrived home just in time to see Heir to the Throne getting ready to vacate the castle.  It was suggested that maybe Barney could drive him to his destination.  One prince down.  Two still wandering around in their pj's.  Whatever.  I have things to do anyway.

Normal life things pretty much completed,  Barney approaches me in the kitchen.
"Second and third in line to the throne are going tobogganing.  When they are gone, there are a few things we need to discuss" 

(Whatever.  I'll believe it when I see it. )  " Sigh.  Okay.  Sure"

So why, you might ask did his statement bring out the bellow and start providing more oxygen to my already lit fire?  Well because....been there, heard that before.  ( Huff, if they go.  Wouldn't have been an issue yesterday...or the day before when you didn't work until later, and the kids were at school..Or heck, what about Monday at the court house when you said we had silent implements now? And nighttime spankings will be around if needed )  Oh yes the fire was burning quite nicely now.  ( I mean sex this week either?  And no HoH stuff that you SAID you were going to 'try'.  No talking about ttwd.  GRRRR...Seems like you have the mechanical down packed though.  Yup spanking on an 8 day cycle, and then we'll go back to me trying to remember we are a ttwd couple)

The kids left.  We went upstairs.  The phone rang, and he answered it . A friend of mine was on the other line- audibly upset.  I listened for a few minutes and asked if I could call her back. Fortunately she is a TiH wife so she understood.  I hung up and stood at the foot of the bed.  Arms crossed.


" Well what?  What do you want me to do?

"Take you bottoms off and get  on the bed.  On you hands and knees" ( Huh ...this is different.  We haven't done this since the beginning.)

Into position I went.  He began with his hand as usual. He started a bit of a lecture. I had used something that we agreed I wouldn't without discussion about first.  I used it to help out a friend.  He wasn't angry. I had told him in passing.  I didn't really give it much thought as a rule because I've used it before too.  

" I'm glad you told me about using______.  I think it was a nice idea.  I wouldn't have said no if you asked me.  I know it is not always possible to ask me because I am at work..."  (Well when I've asked you in the past you looked at me like I had 2 heads and gave me a response which made me feel like 'why would you even ask?--go  ahead"  So I didn't bother)  At this point I interrupted him.

"No you were home when I used it."  My voice came out more like this

" Oh ? "

The swatting continued.  There was a great deal of silence.  Then this angel showed up

" Ya know.  This position is just not working for me!"

A very calm

" Pardon ?" came from behind me.  Not a pardon like I can't believe you just snapped at me, but more one that 'I couldn't hear you as I was whacking away on your butt'

" Yeah, well this is like impossible to hold for any length of time.  It is hard on the arms you know?!"

" Okay, well you can go down on your arms if you want.  I have no problem with that"

So I did, and basically looked like this for the next portion of our session.  Sorry I used a photo of a child, but apparently grown women shouldn't don't make this face.

I can hear you gasping from here.  Yup.  This was my posture and my facial expression as my backside was getting busted.  Keep in mind, this was merely an R/A.  I this point it probably shouldn't have been- but hey, I'm not the HoH.  *wink*.

A while later.

" Yeah this isn't much better if we are going to keep doing this" 

" Alright.  Well where do you find it easiest?"

Over the back of the loveseat I went.  The bath brush came out.  Things were getting 'heated'. The lecture continued.  It focused around me apologizing for my curt tone of voice the day of the courthouse...still haven't officially done that. ( I hear you out there- life got in the way- what?  it works as a valid excuse for ttwd discussions).  I was unmoved, well aside from my now crossed ankles, and slightly curling toes.

He brought up the way I talked to our son that morning ( I had asked him to remind me not to be so short with my answers to him.)  Well that made my heart hitch.

Any other R/A I might have let go at this point.  I just hardened myself.  My butt was on fire, but I knew about 10 more and I would be numb. I was right.  Barney eventally threw the bathbrush across the room and finished with his hand. Of which I felt nothing.  Normally, in the interest of honesty, I would have told him.  This day I didn't.  He stopped an rubbed my back and  hot backside.  Finally he told me we were done.  I jumped up, grabbed my panties, squirted a big gob of Arnica in my hands.

" I can do that for you"  It is normally 'his job'.  In fact I didn't even know it was yellow in colour.  By this point I had the double cheek rub down going on.

" Nope. I've got it- thanks" and with that I left the room to dial my friend.

" Are you okay? "

" Yup"

I did have to walk around in pj bottoms for the rest of the day mind you. And it is Sunday, and I still feel a small degree. Arnica gel is worth its weight in gold I'll tell you what ! We made dinner together that night and watched a movie.  There was no anger between us after.

The next day, I lay in bed while Barney left early for work.  I am normally an early riser.  I couldn't sleep Friday night.  No I wasn't thinking of the day, just that blessed over 40 our body doesn't apparently need sleep thing.  I usually bring him his dress shirt, make his coffee, and breakfast when he works during the day.  Part of me was justifying staying in bed, ( he NEVER gets up with you in the morning, regardless if he has worked or not....pffft-- you've even mentioned many times over the years how at least once a week it would be nice to have company- he has always agreed and never did that)  When I did get up.  He just asked me if I slept well.  I know right?  The nerve!

As the day went on ....the crab began to vacate the shell 

I started to 'see' - if I squinted, all the little things Barney had done or said this week. Alone they wouldn't seem like much, but together amounted to a little forward progress.  Barney, I think we established a long time ago, has the patience of a saint.  He is also a pretty soft spoken guy.  When I read his words in print, well they seem so different.  I mean, they are his words, but usually at the time, with the tone, I don't see it the way I do after I read them.

Some things from last know when we were 'just' vanilla and waiting for the R/A cycle to begin again.

" You are falling asleep.  Go and take your contacts out"  Okay this one I did notice at the time because he has never TOLD me to do anything really.  Normally it would have been " Do you still have your contacts in?"

" I like this nighty better"  ( again never mentions my night clothes)

"What did you do today?"..." Um not too much actually, come to think of it".  " Well that is not good.  Not good at all"...followed by no further discussion, but still.

" I would appreciate if....."

Me, " Argh, my I think my bum is sore from sitting down to long if that is possible"

" Yeah, that is not the reason why it should be" ( no wink or joke in that tone)...GRANTED this comment ticked me off at the time.

" We need to go out now.  Before the weather gets any worse"  Now normally, he would ask me if I thought we should go now..

" You don't have to like the movie we pick, just as long as you are on the couch with me while we watch it"

Then there was the usual,  " How's your bum today?  Do you need more cream?." I honestly think this is his favourite part of ttwd-applying Arnica Gel.

He also brought our dog- well MY dog to the Vet.  When we first got her he told me under no certain circumstances was he doing vet duty.  If I wanted a dog, I was going to have to bring her.  This time I was afraid there was something seriously wrong with her.  I didn't want to go.  ( She will be fine, eventually, she just needs hormones.. Barney has been comparing our hormonal dog and me to anyone who will listen all week).

Then there was the lecture during the spanking...Heck the spanking itself.  He normally NEVER arranges the circumstances to be in our favour for R/A or even punishment.  He did this week.  His lecture was staggered and short, but it was definitely there.  He also informed me that he is STILL waiting for me to apologize and that he intended for this spanking to help me get in the right frame of mind to feel like it wasn't forced.
This week,  I walked upstream to rushing water

When what I should have done, was stay put.  Stay where Barney could easily find me.  Stay in the calm shallow water

Because you see, in the calm water, you can see the where to place your foot.  There is no fear of being washed away.  Sure your foot may sink a bit.  That is normal.  The most important thing about the calm, shallow water is it is generally clear. You can pick out small details under the surface.

  In the right circumstances, you can pan for gold.  The nuggets might not be huge, but they are there nonetheless.  If you are willing to look you can see them

Some people see their gold nuggets right away.  Some of us have to squint.   Regardless the value is still the same.


  1. It's not perfect, but I think there were some nuggets in there Willie. Keep panning sister! It seems to me like you two are making some progress. I'm happy for you both.

  2. My heart is hurting as I read this. Hurting for you, but also for me. It's like you're inside of my head speaking my words. Only I am not even sure I want My Man to even try to take charge anymore. :-p

    I am glad there were some nuggets in all of the crap. **HUG**

    1. YL, I am sorry that you are in so much pain. It really helps to talk to people when you are feeling down. I am usually around if you want to talk, but it doesn't have to me either. There are so many truly wonderful people in this community. I know it may seem scary to reach out to someone that you don't know, but it is so worth it. I have received nothing but support and encouragement from this community. Find someone who's writing speaks to you and talk to them. Sometimes just talking allows you to see the 'nuggets' that are there. Sometimes others will pan the gold for you.

      Big hug

    2. Thanks so much!! :D I get really bad depression the week after my period, and some months it's just crankiness and other months it's like "i want to drain every ounce of my blood out and drown in it"... this month is one of the second variety. I don't know why. I feel so horrible because I can't explain to My Man why I am so angry and sad because I DONT KNOW! :-p :-) I have to just keep reminding both of us that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and I won't be sad forever.

      We are going to sit down and talk soon about everything. I think part of my problem is that I don't know what HE wants out of all of this. What I want changes, but I think in a perfect world it would be very me focused. ;-) (duh) I feel like I will never be a wife that is good enough for him... and that is hard too. I don't know if he thinks that. I think he does deep down or at least about specific issues. :-p

      Thank you for caring. ***HUG*** I am so scared that anyone who reads my blog is going to stop because I am such a fickle whiner. :-p

    3. Writing helps me so much. Keep at it. Perhaps show your Man your posts. I know it is a great line of communication for Barney and I. Feel free to email me if you want to .


  3. Willie, these early growing pains hurt so much! I understand not telling how you feel, but, on the ither hand, he has to come to understand the hurt he causes when he doesn't keep his word to you. When he doesn't do as he says he will. He HAS let you down, and you have every right to be hurt and angry (but not disrespectful, right?).

    BUT, do also try to understand that he is growing too, that your learning curves will be different, that he has not read all day on the internet, chatted with friends, and...sorry, but he's a man. Generally emotional 'stuff' comes slower to our guys.

    Tell him how you feel, gently. Even about the disappointment, but also tell him that you believe in him and that you know he will figure out how to organize TTWD so it works for the two of you. And he will!


    1. Thanks Sara

      Barney does read my blog. He did read this post on Sunday night. While he wasn't happy ( with himself) he understood.

      I would love to have the faith in us that everyone else does, I won't lie :)


  4. Hey Willie...Sara gave you some very wise advice and as T said, there were some nuggets in there. Keep panning and try to stay in the shallow. You two are making progress!

    Hugs and Blessings,

  5. I know how hard this week has been for you and how hard it is to find a balance between continuing to communicate and giving way to let your husband find his feet as he leads. I'm proud of you, not because I wanted to shake you a few times this week to try to get the anger out, but because in that you paid attention to all the small things even if you didn't want to admit them in the moment. You can see where he is growing and you know in your heart some things you can do to encourage him. I don't think we women remember often enough how much respect and a soft demeanor does for our guys.

    This is one of those posts where perhaps you don't wait for him to read, but you tell him you've written and then sit down and read it together.

    1. We did read it together Susie. He was frustrated with himself when he read it. He said, " no one likes to see their dirty laundry in public" but he said it was good. I thought _I_ was the one who looked bad in this post. I say, " but you look good at the end"...He said, " yeah at the end" but he was quick to add " What can I say? It is the truth"

      When I said, " Susie says you might want to spank me after you read this" He said " I do" ...

      " What? I didn't do anything wrong..."
      " No. But you deserve it"
      " what? how do you figure?"
      "Because I said I would, and I haven't been"

      Um. yeah. So it didn't happen... :-)

      WAIT....did you say you wanted to shake me last week?...oh right MM was out of town

  6. I think there needs to be a weekly exercise for us newbies, yes I still consider myself a newbie 6 months in. We should take a weekly inventory or at least try to list one change in the guys that took place that week before we freeze them out. I have also been guilty of only looking at the lack of follow through with what is said, instead of recognizing some of the ways he has changed not scripted.
    We have to remember to give ourselves and the guys a break. And discuss it with them, their lack of follow through and the things you noticed they did and appreciated.
    Did you apologize yet? : D

    1. You know Birdy, ( yup I said that) I said the same thing to P once. That in our ( ideally) nightly discussions we should find at least 5 things to tell our HoHs that we appreciated about them that day...whether it is 'merely' going to work for our family, or an HOH-type comment.

      Love Willie

  7. I'm so glad he's starting to take on more of his role and that you are starting to see it more. It is hard sometimes when they make little changes to notice them all. It's not until we sit back that we are abel to see all of them.


    1. So true Callie...Sometimes I have my frustration glasses on. They are similar to wearing a pair of sunglasses inside, you can see big things, but not fine details.


  8. Oh Wilma, I feel for you, I think maybe it is as simple as we get ttwd quicker than our men folk. Most of us ha dthe idea first, had been reading and hoping for ages. Our poor chaps were then blindsided with our hopes. Let's face it ,how many of our husbands when we first married them, could possibly imagine that we would want them to spank us. My man still can't believe it and while he is okay with the fun spanking he struggles with the rest. I am trying to be patient and hope he catches me up. I think we have to be grateful for small steps and keep talking. Love ya lots, Jan.xx

    1. Well I have to be grateful for the small nuggets Jan :)

      Love ya bunches too!

  9. Hey willie
    When I first started reading, I felt so bad for you, I could feel the pain.
    But I think it's good that you're not pulling up walls and that you are looking at the areas where Barney has started to grow.
    It's so hard to see the growth sometimes as all we want to see is where it's not working. I'm also guilty of this.
    But you have received such good advise already and I'm really bad at giving advise( heck if I had advise I would use some myself).
    But work at it, don't loose heart in the matter. I have learnt over the last few days, that baby steps are so much more important than great big leaps. With baby steps you can actually see it developing and getting somewhere, where as when you take a great leap, you might loose sight of what you have achieved in the process.
    I don't know if that makes any sense.
    I hope you're feeling ok x

    1. I understood completely what you were trying to say MJ...

      Sort of a 'stop and smell the roses' time thing? Heck we are so good at that we are watching them sprout from seed :)


  10. Hi Willie and all you other newbies out there,
    I feel like I'm in a very similar place. Half the time I feel like K has forgotten we're even trying ttwd or worse yet is hoping I'll give up on the idea if he doesm't say or do anything long enough. Patience is so hard and that's what I think hear from seasoned dd wives that I need to find. It does help to hear other newbies are in the same place. And it also helps to be reminded to look for the little changes K has made. I'm going to try telling him more clearly I like some of these changes. Robin

    1. Welcome Robin!

      I've seen some of your great comments that you have been leaving around blog land.

      I'm glad this post helped you in some way, although I am sorry you completely understand and are in a similar place.

      Good Luck with K. Please 'stop by' again


  11. Heya Willie, I find the post to be somewhat uplifting. Figuring out the whole panning aspect is a good step - A good Ah ha moment. ttwd is made up of tons of those and I think, if you take all the time you guys have been at this and see the nuggets, no matter how small, they are starting to add up.
    Sure, you have some anger in there, but you realize it (and blogging seems to help get it out there - very therapeutic!)

    You are on this journey, sometimes alone and sometimes, you grab a glimpse of his willingness to come along for the ride. I think it speaks volumes for him.
    I have had many disappointments in my "H" but I just now am seeing his accomplishment and focus on our path to be quite the large nugget themselves.
    Communication and Time are still the factors here, for us all.
    You are a great work in progress and so is He.
    Just think how far you baby steps, or little nuggets will go with even more time invested.

    1. Hey Emi

      I'm happy for you!

      Thanks for the encouragement. I am still panning, although my arms are sore this week :)

      Love Willie

  12. thank-you so much for sharing these much of it speaks to me and in turn makes me ponder on my own relationships in hopes of achieving our own growth...glad you found some gold... Hugs, Terps

    1. Hey Terps!

      Susie MADE me said that the anger I was feeling was normal, and that I should share so others who feel that way could relate, and not feel alone.

      Good luck with the gold rush!


    2. wise woman...never feel alone here... :-) Thanks...need all the luck I can get... :-) t

  13. Willie,

    Ok, I admit, I am a little crushed that you are not a perfect angel! But then again, I supose we all do have our little faults :-).

    Without delving into the details, I can empathize with what you are going through. I agree with all the suggestions that you continue to communicate your needs, your likes and your dislikes. It may take some time to get things on track, but remember that this is a work in progress and you are making progress are you not?

    I know the hard part is to not get upset or get your feeling hurt when your expectations are not fulfilled. Chuck Swindoll has a saying about "Attitude" and how we all have the power to choose how we react to events.

    I will admit I am an incurable romantic and a pollyanna, but when I am unhappy about something I try to remember to count my blessings and that helps me feel better. You are on a journey, so expect some days to go better than others. However, try to stay patient, be positive, and above all else, focus on enjoying the ride!!! Life is

    Sorry for rambling, but tonight, your post just touched something in me.


    1. Oh I hope the thing that my post touched in wasn't a bad thing!

      I didn't find you rambling George. I love it when you stop by, and am interested in what you have to say. This time was no different.


  14. Morning Willie, my bedtime tea buddy. Couldn't sleep Friday night huh? - I remember my phone went late Saturday night here and I saw it was you and thought heck - what the blazers is she doing on the computer? Must be really early in the morning there.

    I'm so sorry I am late to this. I know you must have been waiting with baited breath and wondering where I was LoL. Seriously. You are a true friend, always there for me and I feel rather badly not to have responded to this sooner.

    I see a lot of good in this post. I'm glad Barney is starting to embrace his role and am proud of you for being able to recognise those nuggets, allbeit after the fact.

    Such great advice from Sara and Susie above and I totally agree. I like Blue Bird's idea too of taking a regular ttwd inventory. I completely understand the disappointment and hurt you feel when Barney doesn't follow through and agree with Sara that he has to understand that he has let you down.

    I hope you'll forgive me for what I'm about to say (oh my, that sounds like a confession doesn't it LoL). I don't mean for this to upset you in any way and only say it because I hope to help ... I wonder if, because of the inaction and hurt this has caused you, whether you are 'automatically' in the mindset that nothing will happen, even if he says it will. You then get angry, those walls go up, so when he does take action (lecture, RA, those little dominant things you mention here) those feelings of anger and hurt are there so you don't recognise his action for what it is at the time and he doesn't reach you. As a result your reaction isn't what he expects and maybe discourages him. You also don't get the reconnection you are looking for.

    I know this probably sounds as though I'm putting all of this on you and I really don't mean to do that. Barney needs to become more consistent. I just waned to highlight a pattern I see in you from reading your posts.

    As I said. I am proud of you for recognising the things Barney has done/is doing. You are moving forward and I have every faith you will work out together how to make ttwd work for you. Keep panning for those nuggets.

    Love and huge (((Hugs)))
    ps - please don't me mad at me - ok? :)

    1. I waited for THIS? LOL...I'm kidding of course...Although maybe I should have added some booze to my coffee this morning.

      Actually I thought a great deal about what you said before I even wrote this post. I've been thinking about it for a while now.

      Not sure how much longer I am going to keep up any pattern at all- truth be told :)

      Nice to know you have faith in us, right now that is almost the only place I am seeing others.

      Thanks for the love and hugs..( I highly doubt I could be mad at you Roz)

      Love Willie

  15. Still sighing over the fact that you are not the perfect Angel....Great post, and as I mentioned in our wee chat I did have to smile a bit in places..that face for one.
    I am glad that you were able to look at what Barney is doing..the little things that he is starting to say or do in that Hoh role.
    Sometimes it is hard to see, as you said in your analogy about the river and squinting.
    I think we all have to squint sometimes to see the good :)

    Hugs Willie

  16. Thanks Hez...sorry it took me forever to answer, especially because when you wrote this you probably needed a nap after each sentence :)


  17. Thanks, for this, Willie. I'm starting to seek out the gold nuggets and appreciate the effort whatever the size. I truly believe that my inability to appreciate or let go is why we stopped the first 2 times we tried ttwd. He actually told me once that i made him feel like he "wasn't doing it right." He is trying and I am backing off and letting him be him in ttwd but it hasn't stopped our communication it has improved it. Thanks for this post-I needed it.