First off thank you to all of you who were kind enough to welcome me back -the rest of you...dead to me...KIDDING---but now you can SO see where this post is heading!!
This is the story, of a lovely lady, who was
..Okay, WAIT. The lady, not so lovely..... Well and the lady..... not so much a lady...FINE its me.
We went away for a couple of weeks. Some where warm. Hot even. ( yay us! ) If you may recall prior to that Barney decided on dailies...or nightlies..depending. However, when one is stubborn bruises like I do, one has to be careful during bikini 'season'. This was a trip of a lifetime, so Barney wanted to ensure we all enjoyed it fully. Taking no risks he stopped spanking a week before we left. Add on two more weeks during our vacation, and you have Wilma somehow left in
I mentioned that there is something I need to work through. This is still true and this realization came after a few pretty 'bad' personal days on our vacation. I'll leave that up to your imagination, but suffice to say I haven't figured it out yet. Problem being with this revelation, is I did share it with Barney, and things were left at that. Feeding the problem in turn, rather than helping with it.
Oh yeah, epiphanies
Moving on....We have been back ( although zombie like ) in the real world for a few days now. Part of me is quite awake, despite the jet lag. That little part of me that is feisty/playful has been woken up first.
Barney was fixing something on the rear of our van the other day. In my mind it wasn't a 911, as we had suitcases to lug upstairs still, bills to get caught up, groceries to buy...etc. But hey, he's the HoH right? I'm not sure what possessed me, but I made a perfect snowball while standing on my front step. Perfect, because it was that melting snow. You know the type, with the little crystals in it. Not the heavy wet stuff. The kind of snow that 'explodes' on impact. Yup! I threw it at him. He was behind the van, and it was perfect! It landed on the roof, just in front of him, and rained snow all over him...bonus, down the back of his sweater! Laughing, he came around the back of the vehicle in a fake charge. Squealing I ran into the house, stepped on the dog, ( sorry girl) and slammed the door in his face!
There was a lot of joking and teasing about me having to 'pay for that later'...So LATER....
That is Submissive Sally. Remember her? Yeah, me either. After grocery shopping,( and I was good, really...just no sweet kisses in the produce department. I was on a mission) Barney said, again tongue and cheek to me " Ah what you need is a good smack that's all. That'll bring you back"
Willie..." Hahaha.. Well. Good luck with that . You are a little out of practice. It might take you a while to get back in shape"
Hold on someone at my door.........Oh look my bear poking stick has arrived
Barney has been his sweet self. Helping, for the most part getting things back in order around here while suffering the 'trauma' of having to return to work. Last night he was helping me change the sheets on our bed, HOW beach sand got in there I'll never no..or at the very least, I don't want my mind to go there. It was time to put the pillow cases on. I 'handed' his to him.....
I got the ( laughing ) hairy eye ball ( who the heck came up with that term anyway? ). " Oh boy you are something else lately"
Willie...through evil laughter..." What ? "
Barney chuckling..." Well first you almost broke my knuckle by hitting it with the brush..."
" Hey! I was aiming for your thigh. YOU put your hand in the way! "
Barney....shakes head, rolls eyes, and chuckles, tightly.
So today.....I finally got over jet lag! Yay me...except wait...deflate. Three hours later, not so much. Deciding a nap might be in order, Barney then asks if there is anything he can do while I am napping...
" Sure. Figure out what you want to eat for Easter. Go buy it. Buy the kids chocolate junk... and COPIOUS amounts of wine for me please".
Barney...chucking..." Oh having a hard time being submissive are we? Need some bottles of it this weekend ? "
Then it hit me! NO not the silicone spatula....a new character was born. She takes Sassy Sandy, rolls her up with Distancing Dixie and morphs into a Super Personality... she is...
Hold on she's too sweet looking
Oh I don't think Barney would complain about her !
but she's not right either
She's got the attitude...but too snarky maybe...and not enough 'spunk'
hold on....let me think....
Ahhh...here she is.....Introducing....
( well she's fictional..so the boobs can stay)
Ready to filet and slay.
Right before bed, Barney asked me how I was doing. I said
" Not so great"
" Oh why? What's the matter? " I swear I could run through our house after setting myself on fire, and he would say, after about 5 or 10 minutes, ' does anybody smell something ?'
" I'm Feisty FarGone"
He once again chuckled and said " I think that is a very good name for you"
Apparently he is alright with both Feisty and FarGone... meh...what are you going to do ?
We just arrived home from a wonderful 14 days in what could quite possibly be the most amazing place on earth. It was a once in a lifetime ( for us ) vacation. How does one take it all in for a lifetime?
So much has happened and yet so little has happened over the past month. I am not really in the mindset to share on a mass scale and as it turns out, on a minute scale either lately. Barney and I are, or will be fine. Fine being the operative word here. We are not sliding back, but there is a great challenge, I finally realized when I was away, that needs to be overcome. The how still remains to be seen.
I started 'lurking' and even commenting on a few posts this past week, during some down time.
Being away from blog land has actually added, I think, to my feeling of disconnect, and inability to share openly. Perhaps the day will come soon where I will feel all is right with the world again, openly blog and will comment more and more, ( I mean honestly have you ever known me to be quiet for long?).
Until then I just wanted to say Hi. I'm back from vacation, but am still somewhat in ninja mode. Lurking in the shadows. Of course NOT really an easy super power for a chatty patty to maintain.
I suppose I will start by saying this is officially my 100th post. Please, please, hold your applause. If you take away the maybe 10 happy, goofy, silly posts, that leaves you with 90. OH and then you have to minus the Amazing Lillie act of disappearing and reappearing notification posts. So now what are we at ( and you thought English wasn't my best subject )? Alright, 87, thank you back of the class. Wait there were memes and a few giant wine glass posts. So...well heck lets just say 60 serious posts. Of those the discussion topics essentially were...okay so 20 posts based on 3 different subjects. See I told you to hold your applause!
I thought I would tell you a little story about what happened on 'our' last evening of 'daily' spankings. I broke down and said,"Please continue ....who cares if I have to wear a moo moo at the beach next week!!?" HECK NO!
** Before I begin, I want you to think of all the times you have been wearing something, or put it on and there has been a sock in the arm, or in Barney's case, your wife's thong falls out of your pant leg...lol..ahem or the times when a nasty tissue makes its way into the washing machine only to come out as 100 tissues stuck to everything! ***
The evening ended much the same as it always does. The monsters were in bed, and Barney was at work. Every night I take a bath before bed. Exhausted, I grabbed one of Barney's old shirts ( sexy I know) a pair of underwear from my drawer and headed off ...
to get all nice and squeaky clean...oh and do a bit of manscaping...
I retired for the night in my undies and Barney's old shirt. He arrived home at, well I actually don't know what time he arrived home, he woke me up just before 2 am. I snuggled into his side, you know all sleepy submissive like. He began to ask a few questions..in return he received
Chuckle..." Okay then hop up and over then...before you fall back to sleep "
Intoanother sleeping position over his lap I went. He lifted my shirt and pulled down my panties. NOT like in a romance novel.. but all tuggy, and stuck on my hip bones, real life like. Did I mention I was sleepy? I wasn't much help. Picture a dead tuna on the deck of a ship. Actually don't do that! More like this..
Yes all churub like.
I felt him then pick at my left cheek. He then said in a rather perplexed voice
" There is a piece of paper on your bum"
Now I'm not sure why, but right away I responded
" It's a note"
" A note????" His tone was a mix of confusion, and disbelief.
I smiled triumphantly to myself, but snuggled back into my sleeping spanking position.
" Yeah a note........................ ..NO not a note..Sheesh" ( I didn't even know there was a piece of paper in my underwear, so clearly it had to be the size of a quarter at best)
He laughed at the realization that I didn't PUT the paper there...I suppose that could have been a real possibility --you know if I was one of those sassy wives you read about.
" Oh " he said, " I just had a vision of a drawing of a little hand with its middle finger up"...and then he went to town on my 'bulletin board'.
That did get me thinking..........................
and just what would I put on my statigically placed post it?
You know when you have an electronic device and it has all your customizations on it? For me I change to font and background colour. I have a difficult time with black on white - scotopic sensitivity syndrome due to my dyslexia.. I mention this because even though the black and white font works for the mass populous it is down right painful and nauseating for me. So I find a way to change the display on TV guide, the background on my ereader and computer. It is a way for me to 'survive' this electronic world if I want to participate. What is most annoying is when something goes awry with your device and you have to set it back to factory settings. All the things that you have changed have disappeared and you have to begin anew.
I think this has happened to me since hitting rock bottom with ttwd. I have been not too bad at keeping the control monster at bay. But my default setting of expressing anger instead of hurt or anxiety seems to have returned. Just like when I have to once again customize a device, I have found out new things that can be changed and I like them more than my original customization. I am able to communicate with Barney sooner, so far. Unfortunately that hurt, or in this case fear, still comes out as anger. I thought I had rid Wilma of that default reaction back in January.
Daily spankings still continue here. After a discussion concerning the effectiveness on ME with them, Barney had decided that he would switch back to days. This announcement was made on a day where he was actually working the day. I assumed that I would be spanked that night and the daytime spankings would be on the days that we were home alone. Prior, even if we were home alone, I would still get spanked at night.
That night when he came home, I was in bed as usual. He climbed in bed. Took me in his arms and kissed as is his usual routine. I stirred and waited for him to talk to me and ask me to climb across his lap. The words never crossed his lips. What he did say was that he was going to make himself a drink and watch some television before coming back to bed. He told me to have a good sleep and left our room.
( and yes...I am that adorable at night )
Only I didn't have a good night. I was hurt, annoyed. Since starting nightly spankings he has been consistent. As much as I hate being woken up to be spanked, I knew what to expect and he was following through. One night he came home too late, he woke me to inform me of his plans to skip R/A that night. While not happy with being woken up, I was grateful for the communication, because I would have thought he forgot otherwise the next morning. This night was different, he didn't inform me of anything. I began to doubt. I know that it takes trust to build trust, but I have been leery and this was sending a breeze toward the House of Cards of Trust I was building
Is this fair to Barney? Most likely not, but those were my feelings. Back to factory settings I went. I was only allowing the anger to come through. It was mighty chilly when he finally came to bed that night, despite having our bedroom window closed.
The next day I didn't mention a thing to Barney. I was hoping I suppose that he would say something. He did not. Reconnection appointment happened during the day that day. I tried, but I did not succeed in bringing melty wife to R/A. This wife showed up instead-
Internally. Perhaps the spanking did something for Barney,for me it did nothing but give me
a sore bum and more questions. Am I ever going to get this right? Am I ever going to stop mentally fighting this physical connection and let it do its thing? How do I get out of my own head and let go? Are we doing something wrong? I know in my heart that part of the issue is with Barney not speaking to me during, or at least I think it is. How can I actually know for sure? I curled up on his lap, as it has been suggested many times before. He stated that he loved this position after. I was merely following 'proticol' but my heart was not in it. I wished it was, but it wasn't. Anyway we went about our day. I be came increasingly sassy. Still in a playful tone, but also in a testing tone. Barney even remarked.. " What is with you lately? ".
To my credit, I was honest. I told him I didn't know, but I felt edgy. We didn't talk about the miscommunication surrounding the essentially missed spanking.
The next day was to be a busy one for us. My edginess did not improve. Finally I asked...
" Could you please inform me as to what time our 'appointment' is to be today?"
" I thought after we get our running around done." I was getting dressed but his answer did NOT impress me in the least. Apparently my body language told him this.
" What? do you have a problem with that? "
" Yes" ...knowing that I am NOT supposed to control things, ( hardy har har) I stood there half dressed looking at him. Expecting him to further question me. He did not. There was dead air. I left the room to run a bath. I was hurt angry. Factory setting. How could he not ask why I was not happy? It didn't mean I expected him to change, but why wasn't he curious? The hurt anger was becoming all consuming within me now. I marched back into our room
Feisty to say the least! " You know. I just don't understand why we have to wait until everything else is done before we get to it ? " Drop the grenade and exit the room . Nothing....Back in I go.
"We are not going to have enough time to get everything we need to get done today and 'do this' before Second in Line to the Throne gets home from school. It wouldn't matter if we were running late on our errands, getting home. But I thought the whole point of switching to days was so we were alone and you would use something more effective and less silent ? "
" You need to stop trying to control this. You need to stop trying to control everything."
Once again I left the room, only to hit the bathroom, do a 350 and march back in again.
" I fail to see how stating my opinion is controlling the situation! "
" You are right. I'm sorry that is just me I guess"
" Do you know what kind of message it sends to me when I am at the end of the list of tasks? We've had this discussion countless times. The anxiety of you not following through in this regard is there. I know I am supposed to be trusting you but it is so very difficult when you don't communicate to me."
" Have I not followed through every day since I said I would? "
"No. No you haven't. The first time you didn't follow through but you let me know why, and that was great...COMmunication. Then there was the other night. Nothing, no action, no explanation. Do you know what it is like to have to go to sleep to knowing that you are going to be woken up to be spanked? Not great, but fine, I can handle that. BUT when you don't and don't explain why, it takes an already vulnerable situation and makes it so much worse!"
"I said we would be switching back to days, because that is more effective, using some of the louder implements"
" What does that even mean? Switching to days? So only when you work nights then I am getting spanked? Or days when you work nights and nights when you work days? So the every day thing is off now? Can you NOT see how confusing this all is? When you fail to communicate? "
" I'm sorry. I guess I just didn't think about it like that".
So that day we did our errands, but not together we had to split up. Once again I was directing. Paying attention to the time. Worrying about ttwd. Things did get a bit better at our second last stop. I remembered Roz's post about asking...A small step at first, I had a bunch of things for our trip, specifically for me in our cart. I asked him to go through and see if it was okay for me to buy them. Not a great leap of faith, but a small one. Later I had a craving for something. I approached him, my tongue felt huge in my mouth. I was pretty sure he would say yes, but I felt extremely silly asking. Not to mention in the past, if I did such a thing he looked at me like I had 2 heads, and would answer, 'of course'. This time he said 'sure,-good idea.' Not two minutes later he kissed me in the produce section. Huh? Okay.
After a bit of silence, in another part of the store, I turned to him, sort of, not completely looking at him.
" I know I am supposed to be asking not telling, but I find it very hard to do" He smiled at me.
" I understand. I am supposed to be telling you, not asking you, and it doesn't come easy either".
Unfortunately back in the vehicle, the clock showed we had an hour before the kids started to arrive home. Anger built up again. 'See I knew it. I knew we wouldn't have enough time. I even cut out one store to go to. Why does everything come first but this? ' My inner monologue was interrupted by him slamming on the breaks for some reason.
" I'm in a really foul mood."
" Well hopefully we can take care of that soon" ( right)
We arrived home with a million groceries and I was starving. I glanced at the clock in the kitchen. Two hours until the kids come home? Ohhhhhhhhh...we just replaced the battery in the vehicle. The clock was wrong...ooops.
So we did get to 'it' that day. and some other activities that I 'hinted' at...wink. All dominating acts. I felt much better. I suppose maybe it took a few spankings to get through this time?
Since that day, there have been a few more tiny acts of dominance like asking for another drink. ( For the record I offered first, but at the time he didn't want one.)
This next excerpt might seem out of place with the theme of the rest of the post, but here goes nothing.
We were sitting having a discussion about how acts that a wife does, can chip away at the confidence of an HoH. More specifically what I do to contribute to his uncertainty in matters. He was talking in circles about something else and my frustration was mounting. I would imagine that my body language was echoing my frustration. In fact I know it was.
In the past, he has joked about eye rolling. On one or two occasions in the past six months he has mentioned my tone. Nothing serious. This day when he started speaking, something he said struck me as funny. I can't remember now what that was. I laughed. His expression didn't change but he began to lecture. I was taken back. I don't remember his exact words, but the lecture ended with, "... in fact it can be down right rude at times"
I felt the burning and prickling that happens behind your eyes before tears materialize. Factory settings. I became hurt angry. I hardened and asked him to continue with the questions after a few moments of silence. I was determined not to let those tears show. Why ? I am not sure. I know what you are going to say, it would go a long way to showing him that I cared what he thought on the matter. Unfortunately after what we have been through, I am still having a hard time customizing, and getting back out of the Factory Settings.
Last night R/A happened at 2 am. It was supposed to be the last one for quite a while due to a trip we are going to take soon. I was informed that he thinks one more session will be happening this evening. I expressed my opinion, respectfully ( he actually likes to wake me up to spank. He says I'm more submissive. I say sleepy he thinks submissive) but his decision still stands. I would be lying if I said I found last night did any good. Once again I was spanked in complete silence, and I am not just referring to the implement. I realize that the lecture part is difficult for most men. Without words it can feel that 'this' is happening to me, not for me. If that makes any sense?
In short...okay who am I kidding ?...in more detail than you needed, this is what our post rock bottom follow up weeks have been like. Barney is following up, and I am having a hard time trusting still that he will. He understands my hesitation. Bit by bit we are still trying. He is more successful at it than I am at the moment.