Thursday, March 7, 2013

Back to Factory Settings

You know when you have an electronic device and it has all your customizations on it?  For me I change to font and background colour. I have a difficult time with black on white - scotopic sensitivity syndrome due to my dyslexia..  I mention this because even though the black and white font works for the mass populous it is down right painful and nauseating for me.  So I find a way to change the display on TV guide, the background on my ereader and computer. It is a way for me to 'survive' this electronic world if I want to participate.  What is most annoying is when something goes awry with your device and you have to set it back to factory settings.  All the things that you have changed have disappeared and you have to begin anew.

I think this has happened to me since hitting rock bottom with ttwd.  I have been not too bad at keeping the control monster at bay. But my default setting of expressing anger instead of hurt or anxiety seems to have returned.  Just like when I have to once again customize a device, I have found out new things that can be changed and I like them more than my original customization.  I am able to communicate with Barney sooner, so far.  Unfortunately that hurt, or in this case fear, still comes out as anger.  I thought I had rid Wilma of that default reaction back in January.


Daily spankings still continue here.  After a discussion concerning the effectiveness on ME with them, Barney had decided that he would switch back to days.  This announcement was made on a day where he was actually working the day.  I assumed that I would be spanked that night and the daytime spankings would be on the days that we were home alone. Prior, even if we were home alone, I would still get spanked at night.                                                                                                                                                                                 
 That night when he came home, I was in bed as usual.  He climbed in bed.  Took me in his arms and kissed  as is his usual routine.  I stirred and waited for him to talk to me and ask me to climb across his lap. The words never crossed his lips.  What he did say was that he was going to make himself a drink and watch some television before coming back to bed.  He told me to have a good sleep and left our room.

( and yes...I am that adorable at night )

Only I didn't have a good night.  I was hurt, annoyed.  Since starting nightly spankings he has been consistent.  As much as I hate being woken up to be spanked, I knew what to expect and he was following through.  One night he came home too late, he woke me to inform me of his plans to skip R/A that night.  While not happy with being woken up, I was grateful for the communication, because I would have thought he forgot otherwise the next morning. This night was different, he didn't inform me of anything.  I began to doubt.  I know that it takes trust to build trust, but I have been leery and this was sending a breeze toward the House of Cards of Trust I was building


Is this fair to Barney?  Most likely not, but those were my feelings.  Back to factory settings I went.  I was only allowing the anger to come through.  It was mighty chilly when he finally came to bed that night, despite having our bedroom window closed.

The next day I didn't mention a thing to Barney.  I was hoping I suppose that he would say something.  He did not.  Reconnection appointment happened during the day that day. I tried, but I did not succeed in bringing melty wife to R/A.  This wife showed up instead-

Internally.  Perhaps the spanking did something for Barney,for me it did nothing but give me

a sore bum and more questions.  Am I ever going to get this right?  Am I ever going to stop mentally fighting this physical connection and let it do its thing?  How do I get out of my own head and let go?  Are we doing something wrong?  I know in my heart that part of the issue is with Barney not speaking to me during, or at least I think it is.  How can I actually know for sure?   I curled up on his lap, as it has been suggested many times before.  He stated that he loved this position after. I was merely following 'proticol'  but my heart was not in it.  I wished it was, but it wasn't. Anyway we went about our day.  I be came increasingly sassy.  Still in a playful tone, but also in a testing tone.  Barney even remarked.. " What is with you lately? ".

To my credit, I was honest.  I told him I didn't know, but I felt edgy.  We didn't talk about the miscommunication surrounding the essentially missed spanking.

The next day was to be a busy one for us.  My edginess did not improve.  Finally I asked...

" Could you please inform me as to what time  our 'appointment'  is to be today?"

" I thought after we get our running around done."  I was getting dressed but his answer did NOT impress me in the least.  Apparently my body language told him this.

" What?  do you have a problem with that? "

" Yes" ...knowing that I am NOT supposed to control things, ( hardy har har)  I stood there half dressed looking at him.  Expecting him to further question me.  He did not.  There was dead air.  I left the room to run a bath.  I was hurt  angry.  Factory setting.  How could he not ask why I was not happy?  It didn't mean I expected him to change, but why wasn't he curious?  The hurt anger was becoming all consuming within me now.  I marched back into our room


Feisty to say the least! " You know.  I just don't understand why we have to wait until everything else is done before we get to it ? "  Drop the grenade and exit the room .  Nothing....Back in I go. 

"We are not going to have enough time to get everything we need to get done today and 'do this' before Second in Line to the Throne gets home from school.  It wouldn't matter if we were running late on our errands, getting home.  But I thought the whole point of switching to days was so we were alone and you would use something more effective and less silent ? "

" You need to stop trying to control this.  You need to stop trying to control everything." 

Once again I left the room, only to hit the bathroom, do a 350 and march back in again.

" I fail to see how stating my opinion is controlling the situation! "

" You are right.  I'm sorry that is just me I guess"

" Do you know what kind of message it sends to me when I am at the end of the list of tasks?  We've had this discussion countless times.  The anxiety of you not following through in this regard is there. I know I am supposed to be trusting you but it is so very difficult when you don't communicate to me."

" Have I not followed through every day since I said I would? "

"No.  No you haven't.  The first time you didn't follow through but you let me know why, and that was great...COMmunication.  Then there was the other night.  Nothing, no action, no explanation.  Do you know what it is like to have to go to sleep to knowing that you are going to be woken up to be spanked?  Not great, but fine, I can handle that.  BUT when you don't and don't explain why, it takes an already vulnerable situation and makes it so much worse!"

"I said we would be switching back to days, because that is more effective, using some of the louder implements"

" What does that even mean?  Switching to days?  So only when you work nights then I am getting spanked?  Or days when you work nights and nights when you work days?  So the every day thing is off now?  Can you NOT see how confusing this all is?  When you fail to communicate? "

" I'm sorry.  I guess I just didn't think about it like that".

So that day we did our errands, but not together we had to split up. Once again I was directing.  Paying attention to the time.  Worrying about ttwd.  Things did get a bit better at our second last stop.  I remembered Roz's post about asking...A small step at first, I had a bunch of things for our trip, specifically for me in our cart.  I asked him to go through and see if it was okay for me to buy them.  Not a great leap of faith, but a small one.  Later I had a craving for something.  I approached him, my tongue felt huge in my mouth.  I was pretty sure he would say yes, but I felt extremely silly asking.  Not to mention in the past, if I did such a thing he looked at me like I had 2 heads, and would answer, 'of course'.  This time he said 'sure,-good idea.'  Not two minutes later he kissed me in the produce section.  Huh?  Okay.

After a bit of silence, in another part of the store, I turned to him, sort of, not completely looking at him.  

" I know I am supposed to be asking not telling, but I find it very hard to do"  He smiled at me.

" I understand.  I am supposed to be telling you, not asking you, and it doesn't come easy either".

Unfortunately back in the vehicle, the clock showed we had an hour before the kids started to arrive home.  Anger built up again.  'See I knew it.  I knew we wouldn't have enough time.  I even cut out one store to go to.  Why does everything come first but this? '  My inner monologue was interrupted by him slamming on the breaks for some reason.

" I'm in a really foul mood."

" Well hopefully we can take care of that soon"  ( right)

We arrived home with a million groceries and I was starving.  I glanced at the clock in the kitchen.  Two hours until the kids come home?  Ohhhhhhhhh...we just replaced the battery in the vehicle.  The clock was wrong...ooops.



So we did get to 'it' that day.  and some other activities that I 'hinted' at...wink.  All dominating acts.  I felt much better.  I suppose maybe it took a few spankings to get through this time?

  ********

Since that day, there have been a few more tiny acts of dominance like asking for another drink. ( For the record I offered first, but at the time he didn't want one.)

This next excerpt might seem out of place with the theme of the rest of the post, but here goes nothing.

We were sitting having a discussion about how acts that a wife does, can chip away at the confidence of an HoH.  More specifically what I do to contribute to his uncertainty in matters.  He was talking in circles about something else and my frustration was mounting.  I would imagine that my body language was echoing my frustration.  In fact I know it was. 

In the past, he has joked about eye rolling.  On one or two occasions in the past six months he has mentioned my tone.  Nothing serious.  This day when he started speaking, something he said struck me as funny.  I can't remember now what that was.  I laughed.  His expression didn't change but he began to lecture.  I was taken back.  I don't remember his exact words, but the lecture ended with, "... in fact it can be down right rude at times"

I felt the burning and prickling that happens behind your eyes before tears materialize.  Factory settings.  I became hurt  angry.  I hardened and asked him to continue with the questions after a few moments of silence.  I was determined not to let those tears show.  Why ? I am not sure.  I know what you are going to say, it would go a long way to showing him that I cared what he thought on the matter.  Unfortunately after what we have been through, I am still having a hard time customizing, and getting back out of the Factory Settings.

Last night R/A happened at 2 am.  It was supposed to be the last one for quite a while due to a trip we are going to take soon.  I was informed that he thinks one more session will be happening this evening.  I expressed my opinion, respectfully ( he actually likes to wake me up to spank.  He says I'm more submissive.  I say sleepy he thinks submissive) but his decision still stands. I would be lying if I said I found last night did any good.  Once again I was spanked in complete silence, and I am not just referring to the implement. I realize that the lecture part is difficult for most men.  Without words it can feel that 'this' is happening to me, not for me.  If that makes any sense?

In short...okay who am I kidding ?...in more detail than you needed, this is what our post rock bottom follow up weeks have been like.  Barney is following up, and I am having a hard time trusting still that he will.  He understands my hesitation.  Bit by bit we are still trying.  He is more successful at it than I am at the moment. 





23 comments:

  1. Willie,
    I am waiting on that lecture part to come also :( I feel it would make a huge difference. We talk about the issue beforehand but there is usually silence during. These things take time. They have as many changes to go through as we do.

    Hugs,
    Tricia

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  2. Oh Wilma,what a hard time you are having. I think Barney is just getting there a lot slower than you. But spanking every day! and in the middle of the night too! I think you are doing really well with the submissiveness if you can go along with that.You should be proud of yourself for all of your submissiveness. Yay Wilma. You write so expressively, does Barney read your blogs? He flipping should, then he should follow through damn quick, ;love Janxxx

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  3. Ugggh - I have been the recipient of "dailies" and I don't mean newspapers. It is particularly horrid, however - if they you say you are going to do, gentlemen, please do it! It sends your TiH wife into a complete tail spin.
    Consistency is so important.
    The scene you describe in the store is really intimate, and sweet. I have to ask, too - but it helps reinforce everyone's role.
    I also think Barney should be reading here.....I am sure that he is.
    hugs
    lillie

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  4. Hugs, Willie. As I was reading your blog today I was thinking of Socrates...I know, I know...anyway, he said "An unexamined life is not worth living." Sounds like you and Barney are both examining things. You're examining the things that you need and that help Barney and it sounds like he's examining the things that he needs from you and what he needs to do to get those things.

    So, you're at 20% ttwd and 80% not ttwd, but I think the percentages are going to continue to change. By the way, it sounds like he did lecture you, so he's capable of it, now he just needs to change the time he does it, right? You'll get there!

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  5. i understand completely about needing the lecture during. I think it brings about the brain/bottom connection. Alex either lectures or he spanks but never together. I think he feels lecturing is level of punishment all in itself. Something to explore with your Barney, I suppose. It's a very complex thing this TTWD. We will all get there!

    Hugs to you,

    Sam

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  6. I know what you mean about feeling silly about asking instead of telling. That post really spoke to me as well but it feels like I've got my shoes on backwards when I do it.
    Bea

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  7. Hey Willie (notice I did not start with 'Oh Willie?)

    When I was reading about you going back and forth from the bathroom to the bedroom, I had to smile...That is what I do :( There comes a point when you know that it is time to shut the mouth but for some reason it and your legs take on a life of their own.
    Barney seems to be getting there... I know that The Silence found doing the lectures really hard, as he had no idea what to say. Often it was me lying there while he spanked..and me asking 'and what is this for again?' He is now better at it, in fact sometimes I wish he would just shut up and get on with it.
    As for the anger/trust..I sooooo understand you completely. It is where I am currently at. Even though they do step up, it often leaves us angry Willie, and I my guess is this. We stay angry, because we don't know if this is going to be the 'last' one. Is he going to follow through tomorrow? Ttwd is hard at the best of times, but when that trust is taken away by inconsistency it is even harder to be that submissive/obedient person. You are always waiting for the inconsistency to rear its head again. Once bitten twice shy as the story goes. I guess too that Barney has to learn to trust himself as well. He will be struggling to be sure of himself, and I know that does not help you any :( Sounds like he is trying to prove to you that he wants this, and that he is willing to make it work. I am hoping, that with each day that Barney and you in your submissive mindset (yes you do have one..re read your blog. It is all there.)work together, the more trust is built for you both.

    Much love and hugs (PS. going to miss you when you are relaxing in sunshine)

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  8. Willie you are not alone these men of ours well what can I say, if only we could program them wouldn't that be great. Hang in there and keep moving.

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  9. Omg Willie, my blog was black txt on white :( sorry..... Let me know if I've made it better or worse by changing the colours....


    Callie

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    1. Oh Callie that is so sweet of you. I can adapt. I just act like I am going to copy the text when I have a difficult time and it changes the background for the text. Keep your blog the way you like!

      More difficult for me is the really 'funky' texts.

      But thank you!

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  10. This is progress....it may not always go the way you want it to....but at least it is in the right direction. Give him time...the lecturing will come....he probably is still adjusting to all of these other changes. Ryan was a quiet spanker for quite some time....and I remember feeling exactly how you described. I hope he reads your blog....and that you guys keep talking...this is all good...very good :) What is NOT good is calling your friend STUPID on her blog....I agree with Barney you can be a tad bit rude!!!! hahahah!

    love ya...

    ~Lucy

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  11. Ummmm....well.....
    Sorry Willie, but I am a little irritated with you on Barney's behalf. You get angry with him for not communicating but you are the one not communicating if all you have written is correct. He told you maintenance would happen during the day. If you needed more information you should have asked, instead you got angry and turned it on him. You know "communication is a two way street". Ummmm. Barney, I wouldn't let her get away with that.
    I know, now my blog will probably be boycott in protest. I am just saying it like I see it.
    About the lecturing, maybe try talking about all of the changes in Willie or your marriage or yourself, ways that you have seen her trying that you appreciate. I think the point is right now to just start talking. It doesn't need to be a lecture yet.
    And Barney (stage whisper) slip that hanger thingy into your suitcase for the trip ; ) you never know.
    : D
    Love and hugs Willie,
    Blue Bird

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  12. Oh Willie

    Ok I've been reading this and sorry to say, have been shakin me little head at you :(
    I don't want to lecture, not good at it, and I might be very unpopular now for saying what I'm going to say, but I need to say it and I think you need to hear it :(
    I know how hard this is for you, and how the incosistencies have affected you. But GIVE the guy a chance. Sorry but he's trying and I feel since he's trying harder, you are being extra difficult.

    I know and understand why your doing it. Been there done that. You want to make sure he's really in the same page as you and worry he might start slacking again. But go easy a bit, let him show you he's trying and doing his best. If he chooses not to spank you in the middle of the night, because he knows its hard for you, then why does he need to tell you again, he came and gave you a kiss and let you know he's there.
    Sorry am I speaking complete rubbish ??? I might be, heck I probably am, but i would hate you to poke him too many times and make him doubt himself, because then he might pull away if he thinks you still think he's not doing his best, does that make sense?

    I love you, you know I do, but I think, no strike that I know you would be kicking my ass if you could see something I was doing to maybe mess things up a bit, wouldn't you ?????

    Please don't hate me, I know your still insecure about the whole thing and just don't want to go back to the "old" days, but don't forget to stop every now and then and enjoy the good part as well :)

    You don't have to publish my post, I would totally understand if dont want to an wouldn't be upset, but I just felt like I needed to tell you what I read between the lines in this post.
    Give yourself and Barney a chance to move forward again :)

    Love and hugs x x x

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  13. Morning Willie,

    This is definitely progress, you are making strides forward. I think you still 'expect' Barney not to follow through and that is perhaps triggering the anger and when he does follow through, that anger is still there. It also sounds as though you are still trying to control ttwd to a degree, because you aren't sure still whether he will follow through.

    It takes time to get to that place of giving up control and trusting. After all, this is a huge lifestyle change you are making.

    I love the story in the grocery store. Good on you for asking, and you noticed the difference in his response to the response you would have got prior to ttwd - all progress my dear.

    As for the lecturing. We do need it and believe me, it will come!

    Love and huge Hugs,
    Roz

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  14. First of all...middle of the night spankings would drive me to distraction, but yeah, I can see how they would mistake sleepy for submissive. Our feisty Willie! :) I love the many faces of Tweety Bird.

    Ya know what sticks out to me? It's the little stuff. The grocery store, the kiss and the conversation there. The following him around the house and getting under his skin till he engages. The sparks of communication that are happening on a very daily basis right now. Store these things in your heart Willie, b/c I hope they will help you with that softening and give you the desire to keep trying them on for size. As painful as all of this is, you are each building each other's confidence. There is something in the very act of submitting and there's much to be said for his daily effort.

    You are slowly taming that control monster! :)

    Lecturing is tough. It comes and goes here and I have a love /hate relationship with it. Bah.

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  15. First, know you are not alone. Keep communicating and try to trust that the rest will follow. Having heard promises that were then broken I know it is hard to forget past hurts but I also know that I have to move beyond those hurts and trust and communicate and appreciate every little baby step in the right direction. I do understand about consistency being important. Just remember you are moving forward. Hugs, Terps

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  16. Umm...the same exact conversations happen in our house if it makes you feel any better. Inconsistency sucks and it makes me lose trust so fast. I hope that you guys can communicate better in the future and things work out. Good luck!!
    XOXO -Stubborn

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  17. Um, I'm not really sure what you want Barney to lecture you about? A manufactured lecture just to please you isn't what it's about is it? I think Barney is doing excellently - you just need to trust him more and lessen that control Sweetie. I think any man who wants to spank his wife each and every night (or day) regardless of the time, needs giving a crown! He's a peach! (And your bum must resemble a bruised plum by now!) LOL!

    Slow down Willie, slow down! Listen to Missy and Bluey - I'm now the only one. We love you, but you are very pesky at times. (Please don't hate me!)

    Hope you have a lovely holiday!

    Hugs,

    Ami

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  18. I know what you mean when you say that when there is no lecture, you feel like it's happening to you, and not for you. {{{HUGS}}} That is where Duke and I are, and we're starting to look at some ways for him to improve on the lecturing. I am glad that the clock in the car was wrong and you were able to do some ttwd! I also love the photo at the end about your wife being back to factory settings, gonna have to keep that one! :) I'm hoping he keeps up with the consistency, and talking to you so that you're able to let go more. I know from our own walk that without them, it's hard to trust because the ground IS so shaky. {{{HUGS}}}

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  19. Hi Willie,

    I have not been around as long as most of your blog friends, and don't pretend know you as well, so take this for what it is worth.

    I suspect that TTWD was percolating in your brain for quite a while before you approached Barney about it. If that is true, then give the guy a chance to catch up with you, Lord knows he is trying.

    I also know that patience is not a fun virtue, but you are making progress so give it some time.

    Last, for some reason when I was thinking about y'all the lyrics that Gus Kahn wrote for the song "It had to be You" came to mind. I suspect that is precisely how Barney feels about you! Ask him and see if I am not right.

    I wish you both a very blessed day and a safe journey.

    Your friend, George.

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  20. Sorry all. I hate doing a mass comment for everyone. I really, really do, BUT getting a family of 5 to travel for 16 hours through a couple of airports, and prepping a house and animals for our departure took longer than I had anticipated...I know cry me a river Willie!!!

    I have read all the comments, and I am really thankful to all of you for commenting!!

    Aloha!
    willie

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  21. for someone who's knew to TTWD, i thought this post was really helpful. i'm always wanting to wear the hat (er, pants), and i'm worried about truly giving over to submission. scary stuff. loved what you said, willie.

    see you,
    maryanne.

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    1. Oh sorry Maryanne I was on vacation when you wrote this.

      Thank you for your kind words!

      willie

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