Monday, April 29, 2013

Please Share Your Umbrella

The weather was wonderful.  Sure there were a few clouds that peppered the blue sky, and they threatened to unite, but all in all it was sunny and warm.  We were walking together which was nice.  It was better than nice.  It felt right.  Finally one was not pulling the other forward or hold the other back.  We were walking hand in hand.  One patiently waiting while the other stopped to look more closely at something.

I had brought a back pack with me.  In it I still had a few things I needed in case of an emergency.  For the most part, Barney had convinced me to lay it down beside the water, as I didn't require those 'things' anymore.  If an emergency came up, he would handle it.  I still retained my light jacket.  I wasn't wearing it, but I did have it tied around my waist.  After all clouds did pepper the sky. 

The sun kept my bare arms and legs warm.  His body sheltered me from the cool breeze coming off of the water.  I was loving every step of our adventure.  The clouds started to become more organized.  The sun was still shining, but I could feel a drop in the temperature ever so slightly.  I reached for my light 'shell'.  Barney told me there was no need to do it up.  Unfortunately once I 'catch' a chill it is difficult for me to get warm again.

Then it happened.  The clouds united and the sky opened up.  I stood frozen in my place.  A step behind was my back pack and 'emergency' supplies.  I waited.  I searched Barney's face for answers.  I had an umbrella of my own, but it was not as nice as the one he carried.  Barney's umbrella is big enough for two.  Mine only for me, and often my back still gets wet in a bad storm.

I waited.  I looked at his umbrella hoping he would pull me under it.  There was no time for communication, as the storm was fierce and loud.  The river bank had swelled and my feet were stuck.  It was too difficult to run to him.  I needed him to protect me from the pelting rain.  The offer of the umbrella never came.   I zipped up my shell, and reached behind me to retrieve my own umbrella from my back pack, I was told I didn't need.  I was not sure what unsettled me more, the fact that I waited until I was drenched to the skin before reaching for my own umbrella, or the fact that it was instinctively retrieved so quickly.

After the storm past, the sun did not return.  I was not only drenched to the bone, I was cold-shivering from the dampness that seemed to creep in.  Barney attempted a few times to get me to remove my shell because the it was holding in the cold.  I refused.  After all there was no sunshine in the sky to help dry me off.  What difference did it make?  I was very resentful that he didn't offer his umbrella.  If he had given me the protection I needed, I would not have been as wet.  My shell would have had a few drops, but my skin below would have still been warm from the earlier sunshine.

Others passing by on their own adventure suggested I take off my shell.  They said that even though the sun was not out at the moment the air was still warm.  I had no desire.  It was my jacket and I would take it off if/when I was ready.  Every once and a while I would let the zipper down a bit, but I was too afraid to expose my arms again.  What if the air really isn't that warm?  I also can't see the sun, what if it starts to pour rain again?  I have to protect myself from the elements.  I can't take off my jacket, just to have to reach for it again in a few minutes. It is not worth it.  The rain WILL come again, and I need protection.  If it has to be in the form of my pathetic jacket and small umbrella,so be it.  But it has to come from somewhere.  I need my back pack of things.  It would appear not just for emergencies.

I was shivering.  All I could hear was my chattering teeth.  I couldn't see because of the water running down my face.  I became resentful.  Not only because he didn't offer his umbrella, but after the fact he didn't move me away from the swollen river bed.  He left me there waiting for me to join him on dry land.  He didn't lead me away.  He left and waited to see if I would follow.  I didn't.  I couldn't.  For he wasn't leading he was he strolling.

A long time I stood there.  He was no longer in sight.  Resentment grew.  I knew someone had to lead.  Strolling isn't always an option in a family.  I could take the time to 'follow' someone who was zigzagging, trying to find a path but the rest of my family didn't have the luxury of time on their hands.  They need to be lead or they could get lost.

The problem is I hate leading.  I did alright but Barney was always a better map reader.  I can instinctively find my way but it doesn't mean that the people with me enjoy the trip.  I know I certainly didn't.  Resentment grew.  I seemed fixated on this fact, yet it didn't seem like quite the right 'fix' for the resentment.  I knew that Barney was going to take a while to chart the way.  He had already started. 

No the resentment grew from that lack of protection from the elements.  The resentment  grew from the lack of protecting myself from me-from walking hand and hand again.  To a lessor degree the resentment was that he didn't use the tools handed to him to help us start walking again.  Still there was more to it than that.

Finally after standing alone, with the occasional 'check back' from my husband, my shell ,while still on, began to dry.  The shivering subsided.  The teeth stopped chattering.  It was then that I realized  I so wanted the protection of Barney's umbrella.  I have always wanted it.  Perhaps it hasn't always seemed that way.  During our 'adventure' he assured me I didn't need my own anymore,not if he was around.  In the past he had let many small showers, ( I shall call them Gazoo storm fronts) drench me.  So much so that I wore a jacket all the time.  A few years ago he allowed me to be pelted by rain off and on for over a year with another storm front,literally telling me I needed to find my own way out of the eye of the storm.   This storm  we just weathered was merely a minute shower, in the grand scheme of things, but one that threatens to keep circling back.  My heart aches that he didn't offer his umbrella until after the storm had blown through.  My mind has rationalized that if he can't or won't step over to cover me in a small storm, can I truly leave my back pack and my emergency supplies behind me?

I am aware of the saying April showers bring May flowers, and I have to trust that some day this will ring true for us.  I know that there will be many more storm fronts that come into our lives.  My hope is that the next time it will not only be this umbrella I see

But this one I feel

Friday, April 19, 2013

The End of Spanking in Bedrock?

 After reading my last post, you might have thought, it could be our swan song.  We would pop back in to mention a few things here and there, but of course if you live ttwd you know THAT doesn't usually happen :)  What happened next really threw both Barney and I for a loop.

Life was and is good.  We have become remarkably close.  I don't know if I have mentioned this publicly or not, but I have never been known as a snuggler, a cuddler, a 'please come in and invade my personal space' kind of girl.  This has been changing over the past few weeks.  We are reaping the benefits of this life.  For those who are new, and reading, ( but never comparing *wink*)  Barney isn't all HoHy.  He is still in a suggestion state.  I am constantly asking, but that is okay, because he is doing it his way.  Dipping his toe in the water.

One thing that has been somewhat consistent around here..(.okay who am I  We pretty much only spank ( we? ) for r/a which for us means as a couple reconnection appointment.  We have had some interesting 'discussion' as of late as to why I need this more lately.  Bridge crossed.  Then we discussed how it helps me and us stay closer together.  Bridge crossed. 

This past week, we had a slip up.  Barney did not perform r/a when I thought he said he was going to.  A surprise  miscommunication.  HUGE blow up over that.  Once again it was concluded that merely communication over his thoughts would have been enough to stop the further backward slide.  In a moment of frustration he declared, rather curtly,

" Fine.  Tonight when I get home!"

" Oh yes because night time works out Soooooooooooo well for us!  We connect so well.  Works wonders for ME!"

" Tuesday and Thursday.  Before I go to work! "

" Fine"

And he left for work.  I felt horrible about the entire 'conversation' .  Of course there is the 'guilt' of needing to be reconnected so often.  For being so needy.  But I couldn't help but feel bad about the way the entire day had 'played' out.  In my defence, I was lead to believe the night before that "it would be dealt with " the next day.  All day, I was anxious, and as time approached rapidly for him to leave for work, the pressure valve was released.    That being said, I so desperately wished I could have held my emotions back and had a more grounded conversation.

All day I just wanted to fall into his arms and tell him how sorry I was.  When he came home from work, those feelings disappeared.  We had a somewhat tense but good discussion.  He said he hate days like ' today'.  He said it was his fault for not listening to me, and once again not communicating to me.  He said he felt like he failed me when I communicated to him, and promised that tomorrow would be different.

The next day was different.  He still took a while to approach me,  but came to me and said,

 " I haven't forgotten about you don't worry.  Okay? "

Flash forward to r/a.  It was very unusual. There wasn't much "Oomph in it"  and it lasted all of about 10 minutes!  Ten minutes...this is me marathon girl...Thick skull girl.  Great Wall of China girl!  Ten minutes????


After, he pulled me back up into his arms to cuddle.  Instead of his marshmallow wife....okay or at least a hint of the pre-thaw he was met with this 'girl'

He started to talk and rub my arm.  My arms were crossed.  I was left confused and in an angry phase after this 'spanking'.

" How are you?"


" That doesn't sound very convincing"

" Fine does not have to be convincing.  Fine is Fine.  GOOD- that is to be convincing.  I am FINE"

He mentioned that sometimes it is not easy to " pick up an implement and strike my wife".  He said that he knows that     need this.  There were a few other things he said.  Basically I felt like we were back at the beginning.  The feeling like I was a burden. A chore.  Something he had to do for ME, not for us.  Not for the benefits of our relationship.  I was so hurt.  I had become something to 'do'.  Alone in this.  If it wasn't for me, and my twisted 'need' that we wouldn't be doing this ttwd.  It held no benefit for him.   I redressed and left his side.

He followed me into the kitchen.  One good thing about hurt/ anger...I get a LOT of things accomplished!  As I violently chopped veggies for stew, he tried to explain that which he didn't understand himself.

Over and over again I said, " I don't understand.  You know it works.  You have seen how good things are.  Why? "

" I don't know!  Don't you think I wish I knew?  I know it works.  I like where we are.  I just don't know? I wish I had some emotion to follow through.  But I don't"

( serious discussion, but I can't pass up the opportunity to remind you emotion behind the spanking because his wife......)

* wink *
Well this seemed to be a major road block.  How can we do ttwd, when an HoH refuses to find it in him to spank his wife?  Yes, there are other methods out there, but we both agreed earlier on that for us it is the intimacy of the spanking that brings us closer.  I suggested that we stop then.  I mean I am not going to be constantly 'hurt' if he is indecisive about this.  I couldn't ride this roller coaster.  There were so many long pauses in this conversation. 
 The clock indicated that he was now late for work.  He disappeared with the phone, ( pretty sure he wasn't too specific as to why he was going to be late).  When he returned,
" I know you are in the middle of something , but when you get to a point that you can stop, I want to you join me upstairs." 
My back was turned to him, but an unintended smile crossed my face.  Don't misunderstand this was nothing to do with a 'victory', I just like our new life, our closeness and I didn't want to loose it.  I practically flew up the stairs.  He was propped up against the headboard when I entered our room.
" Are you sure about this?  I mean an hour and a half ago you 'didn't have it in you' "
" Let's just say I found my conviction.  Come here"
He found his conviction alright !  Yeouch.  I asked him after when I was curled up in his arms, if he was okay, and what changed.
" I knew I couldn't leave us in that place.  I wasn't going to let us down again.  I had to find my conviction, and that was it.  I think I need to start thinking of this as role affirmation now, not reconnection.  While over my lap is a good place for you to discuss your emotions and insecurities, it isn't the place for me to tell you mine"
" But you will still share them with me right?  Just not when I am there? "
" Yes"
He left for work..........later.  I was discussing this with a friend and she had a theory based on her own experience.  He had a difficult time spanking me BECAUSE we are so much closer now.  That, how did she say her husband put it? - " His button to chastise switched over to cherish" ...not exactly how she worded it, but ' Even though, he knows this tool works in your marriage, he is having conflicting emotions now when it comes to 'hurting' his wife, even if it beneficial'.
Things started to make more sense to me now.  Barney's odd wording..." Strike my wife". He has never used that term.  The reason that he couldn't do it anymore, even though he knew it worked.  He was deflecting onto me, that * I * was the one solely that required this.  Absolving himself .
Later in the afternoon I was talking to another Dd wife.  She too said it happened a few months 'in' with her husband.  " Urgh...why doesn't anyone talk about this???"
" Well I don't know, I wasn't blogging back then"
" "
Both agreed it was a very, very difficult time in their Dd relationships.  One of the women had thought the same as I did, that our husbands thought - we have arrived, or at the very least it was now time to coast.  There was a great deal of 'persevering ' for both the husband and wife with both couples.  I couldn't wait to discuss this with Barney.
We did discuss it the next day.  He said he thought it was a distinct possibility that this was happening with him too.  He found conviction the previous day because he couldn't let our new life slip away from us.  I was concerned about our next r/a session if it were going to happen again.  He teased that I could just misbehave and give him a reason ( if only there were more angel pictures on the Internet!).
Well yesterday we had r/a again. He made if through with flying colours. LOL..I did give him a little incentive during ...
 He was once again complaining about a sore shoulder, and saying how out of shape he realizes he is whenever he spanks me.
" Oh I feel for ya...I really do "  giggle
" Are you seriously sassing me in this position? "
" Maybe..." more giggles
" Seriously I can't believe you are being a Sassy Pants while I am spanking you"
"More like a Sassy NO  Pants"  I amused myself with that one...outburst of uncontrollable laughter...until
A smack storm blew in from the south! 
 Huh?  Who would have thought that poking the bear in that position would result in THAT.  But conviction found!  lol 
 I actually was discussing my reaction to yesterday's spanking with a friend.  I told her that twice during, I just wilted, not crying, but my body. I literally almost fell asleep DURING while seeing white.  She said she thinks that I was experiencing what they call Subspace.   I didn't feel a thing.  Barney immediately stopped asked first if I was crying and then if I was sleeping.  He then continued, and it happened once more.  So odd.  So very odd.  He ended the spanking after the second incident.
So there you have it.  Spanking crisis averted?  Not sure.  But I thought I'd better share our experience in case this happens in your house too.  As for the Subspace thing?  NO clue. 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Drum Roll Please....The Conclusion ( for this adventure )

And now that part you are all waiting for, where we gleefully ride off into the sunset.   Well he can ride, I shall choose the Monty Python style of horse back riding ( bum's too sore)

But I am getting ahead of myself here.  As indicated at the end of my last post, things seemed a bit better after my nightmare, and the next night.  In the daylight, we seemed 'softer' with each other.  He started taking my hand again when we walked.  I would snuggle up to him in bed as soon as he got in.  Bit by bit we were finding each other.  But somehow things felt different this time.  I can't put my finger on it now, ( should have written this post while it was happening) but I suppose it doesn't matter.
A few days after my nightmare, Barney addressed me about an r/a.  Which to us now means one of two things, reconnection appointment or reset appointment.  At this point a month had passed since I was last over his lap.  There was some confusion and miscommunication that had him hesitant to spank earlier in the week.  Once that was resolved he informed me that the next day when the kids were at school we would reconnect.  I was cautiously optimistic.  Not because I wanted the spanking, but because I needed the spanking.
I wanted to talk about that just for a moment.  I have heard a few murmurs about how Dd and spanking might actually stop women from coping with things/issues on their own.  Waiting for their husbands to step in and reset them isn't helpful because ( let me borrow a term from child rearing ) we can't self sooth.  While I obviously can't speak for others, I can tell you about myself.  All my life I have self soothed and sometimes it is great.  For the most part my methods of 'coping' were not methods of coping at all.  I had perfected the art of 'stuffing' down.  Avoiding.  Pretending nothing was wrong.  Ttwd has forced me, bit by bit to cope.  To face the emotions no matter how difficult ( well I am a work in progress at the very least).  Spanking for a reset has actually brought down some walls, and given me strength to 'cope'.  I'm not sure if you haven't experienced this, the above paragraph makes any sense whatsoever.
Alright on to the spanking.  Feels a little weird describing it, but I think it might be important to understand the bigger picture.  Barney took his position, propped up against the headboard and waited for me.
 W-" I'm nervous"
"Me too"
" I'm nervous because it has been so long.  What if it doesn't 'work' ? "  At this point I was at the end of our bed , several feet away.
" I know, I am nervous about that too.  We'll get through"
So over I went.  He started with his hand as a warm up, and then took out the wooden spoon.  After a long while.  He asked me how I was doing.
" I'm fine'
" This is not 'working' for you is it ? "
" Well it is stingy but, I don't know- I feel I need............... more"
At that he got up for a moment and came back with the bath brush.  He alternated with things so I didn't get too numb and zone out.  He talked a little bit.  Nothing too memorable.  After about 25 minutes he pulled me up into his arms, stroking my leg.  I tried to melt into him.  He spoke for literally a minute.
" You are not done are you? "
I shook my head that was tucked under his chin.
"Okay" he said. " Back over you go"
  He started to talk to me more as he 'wailed' away.
"Boy, are you ever far gone"
" I know.  I told you that last week"
" Yes you did.  And I'm sorry"
This is where things got a little different with his chatting.
" I want you to let go.  You need to let go.  It is okay now.  I am in charge here now"
With that last statement, my breath hitched. Tears came into my eyes.  The tears in the eyes thing has only ever happened once, out of guilt during my one punishment spanking ( further proof of my angelic state-- --hush those of you who are behind the scenes! )
But I had never had my breath hitch.  Like the dam was about to burst.  I let those few words he said in such a soft caressing way, echo in my mind for a while.  I am in charge here now.  I am not sure if he had said that a while ago whether or not it would have had the same affect on me as it did that day.  but...
He continued...followed up with.  " You need to let go of the anger"
Say what?  Anger...?  What the flip is that all about ..oh angry huh?  ( Go ahead shake your head.  Ready the pitchforks.  Light the torches...btw I already have heard from a couple of women they have done the same thing, in similar situations, so there! lol).  He stopped for a second time, but didn't pull me into his arms this time.  I sat on my heals on the bed.
" Alright, back over you go.  Your still not done are you?"
Back over I went.  The dam wasn't going to break he had decided.  He half sighed, and chuckled at the same time. 
" Okay.  That is enough.   It has been 35 minutes.  We have to 'save' some of you for the rest of the week.  It is only Wednesday."
I smiled and lay on him for a while.  We then went about our daily business.  I sat at the computer to do something.  It was there, about an hour later, that my bum started to , 'thaw?".  HOLY SMOKES  ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I had looked right after our r/a and my back end DID have a sub profile all its own.  But man alive!  I went to stand up...Good grief, I thought sitting was supposed to be the issue?!!  My sweet chat buddy suggested frozen peas ( while I agree that those little green balls of mushy poison should only serve the purpose of being on a swollen bum, I didn't have any) I took and ice pack and headed to my room ( side note for those who are up in arms...I was the one who asked Barney twice to continue).  I fell asleep on my tummy , ice pack on my bum.  Barney came in and crouched down by my side to look me in the eye.  I might add he did chuckle when he came in our room (
" Ice huh?  Are you okay ?"
" Yes, I am fine.  Swollen. But fine "
He chuckled again.  Kissed me and got up to leave.
" Okay well enjoy your nap"
I slept like the DEAD!
When I woke up, I was in the most Jello- Zen like state.  It was wonderful.  Some may call it Super Submissive.  I wouldn't in this case.  I felt like you do after you have a really hard work out.  Where oxygen is pumping through your blood at an extremely fast pace, but your are not hyper nor exhausted.  It felt like my skin was merely the casing for jello.  It was wonderful.  ( side not my blood pressure had severely  dropped that day).
I knew that spanking has helped me in the past.  After Christmas, when I wrote about handing Barney a ping pong paddle because I couldn't seem to get my emotions under control after the school shooting in Connecticut, I was able to face and deal with those emotions.  It does help me reconnect to Barney as well.  But this.  This was different. 
While I didn't cry, and I only 'hitched'  something was different in me. 
As you are well aware, I speak in pictures.  This is what a reset does to me.  I see myself as a fuzzy old television set when I require a reset, (or at least from the situation that had developed over the past month).  Sometimes I am the t.v. set in Poltergeist the horror movie, but mostly I am just having bad 'reception' within.  I can't put my finger on it, but my emotions won't focus to give me a clear picture
Okay ... insert reset spanking.  Usually there is very little talking...and voila...
Clear picture!

 What followed in the days after my Jello-Zen-like state was very interesting.  Barney first off, started moving in an hoh direction. I chose lower case letters not out of disrespect, but to reflect that this movement was small, but VERY steady.  He started first by asking me what my plans for the day were, and I would tell him...and he'd say,"Okay, I'll hold you to it."  Now did I think there would be consequences if I didn't?  Not in the physical sense.  But I knew there would be in our ttwd dynamic sense.  I completed everything I said I would because I didn't want to loose the place we were at.  Soon 'requests' came in.  Things to do.  Like 'get outside today, and go for a walk"  Gah, what a tyrant !  It is sunny and warm out there!!! Sheesh.   Our dynamic was and is changing and growing.  At a slow pace, but it feels so secure.
Barney and I are still maintaining our playful lifestyle.  One day I said that I would have all his dress shirts ironed for him.  Well life managed to get in the way, and he ended up having to iron a shirt for work.  He wasn't angry.  He merely bent down to kiss me good-bye, said " Oh I left the iron out for you" gave me a devilish smile, winked and walked out the door.  I can't remember the last time he winked at me.  I was up ironing until almost midnight that day!   Something within both us is changing.  ( I have another post about an ugly self discovery that perhaps I will write soon)
One thing that immediately changed was my need for Barney's hand again.  No I didn't think we would achieve the Jello-Zen Like state again and again.  And I hadn't lost that state completely, but there was a need.  I was spanked again 2 days later.  At the time we both believed it was because I had gone on so long ( a month ) that possibly I needed more 'work' at bringing the walls down.
TMI alert......the following day  we had the most amazing 'adult' time.  Like amazing.  Was it due to the spankings?  Not sure.  That may have opened me up more to communicate to Barney, during our adult play date.  I was quite vocal about 'things'.  He was more that willing to accommodate .  We were both better off because of it.  Instead of feeling ashamed for 'asking/telling' his reactions made me feel desirable.  It was truly something.  After though.  Right after I asked him for a spanking.  He was confused, but obliged.  It wasn't a sexual thing.  He did comment on how odd it was spanking me for being 'so good' . Later in the day, I went to him and he held me in his arms.  Matter of factly I said,
" I think I know why I asked you for a spanking after today"
" Oh, okay why? "
" Because I felt I was in control of everything this morning.  Telling you what I liked essentially "
I could feel his chuckle through his chest.
" You know, telling me what you like is communication.  Not control.  I want you to tell me things like that.  But I understand how it could be confusing for you emotionally.  That you might feel less submissive.  If the spanking helped you that is good.  I want you to know, that I didn't see it like that"
We went about our daily lives again.  Sex the next day was nothing in comparison.  But I understand that.  That same day, I had an issue with Heir to the Throne.  He pulled a disappearing act.  I went on to his Face book and found out things I could have lived without knowing.  Anyway it had me 'amped' up internally.  Barney was at work.  I was solo.  I suppose things in me went to automated pilot mode. 
After the situation was rectified.  Barney said to me the next day
  "I feel you are starting to pull away again" ( this was a first, that he said something so soon).  He was off work the day after and he continued,
 " We'll deal with that tomorrow"
" Deal with it how exactly? " You see I know what that means in my mind, but I needed to hear him say it.
" A spanking.  Tomorrow you will receive a spanking.  Okay?"
Tears started to roll down my cheeks.  He came to where I was sitting and crouched down in front of me as I was looking at the floor again.
" Hey.  Hey? What's wrong?"
I shrugged my shoulders.  I knew what was wrong but I didn't communicate it.
" Is tomorrow too late?  Do you need a spanking now?  We can do that you know.  I don't have much time, but we can go now if that  is what you need"
I shook my head up and down. With that he took my hand and led me upstairs to our room.  No messing around this time with the little wooden spoon.  Right to the bath brush after his warm up.
" I really do have to go to work very soon, so we can't have a marathon spanking like normal.  I'm sorry.  I hope this will help"
After about 10 minutes he stopped.  I climbed into his lap.
" Okay tell me what is going on in that head of yours"
My first answer was
" I don't know."  which really wasn't truthful.  As I had been doing since my Jello-Zen like spanking, I gave myself a mental pep talk~ Tell him Willie. Let him know what you think is going on..even if you are unsure.  I found my voice
 " I guess.  I guess, I am needing to be spanked a lot.  I don't know why.  I think it is because I am really afraid.  We have never really hit a 'stride' with ttwd and we are now in a position of building up to one.  I am so afraid that we are going to fall.  I feel like we are at a new height.  A plateau, and if we fall it won't be to the bottom, but I'm still afraid the drop with be devastating.  I need to feel that you are here with me"
" Okay.  I can understand that I think.  If this is what you need from me to see that I am here with you, then I can certainly do that.  I have NO problem with that."
" Gee thanks.  The speed at which your willingness to spank me arrived is soooooooo comforting"
( small smack to my bum)
" But don't start looking for ways that we are failing.  That is not good."
" Oh I'm not.  Honestly I'm not. I was just trying to figure out why I have been needing you to spank me so much lately.  I mean I don't actually 'feel' like I am distancing.  I don't really know...You know?"
" Well I suppose it is all about trust again.  I understand why you could feel that I wasn't going to follow through.  But I am going to try.  I know you have been working so hard at communicating with me.  I like that.  I will try my best for us too.  Now tonight you are going to need more cream on, ( Arnica gel.  I had been saying that I don't need it.  Although I have been swollen, there hasn't been any bruising). I will do that when I get home from work.  So that means if you are asleep in bed, I want you to be dressed accordingly so I can do that"
( say what?  'dressed accordingly? " who is this guy ?)
" Alrighty then...I mean yes sir!" ( smack ) " Hey!"
" Hey nothing" chuckle.
The difference in us is communication.  We have communicated since starting ttwd, but just like that stinky onion that we keep peeling layers back from, we have reached a new level of communication. I have discovered another layer of vulnerability in communication.  In all honesty, over half the time I feel like I have swallowed cotton balls when I try to tell Barney something now.
 Why?  Because this level of communication is more about how I am feeling.  Not, 'when you to this, I feel this' kind of communication.  Communication where I allow him a glimpse deeper inside me.  What makes this scary is I am allowing him to join me in my self discovery, WHILE I am figuring it out.  I am not figuring it out myself and then presenting him with my discoveries.  Initially I started doing it without realizing it-but soon I could see how it was affecting him too.  He wants and needs this from me.
I still have to give myself pep talks to do it.  Those mental pep talks are dying down too.  It still isn't second nature all the time, but it is  getting easier.
We had an altercation, if you will this week.  There was a breakdown in communication.  A misunderstanding that lead to it.  It started with an issue I believed could have been handled differently with our son.  I had told Barney that what he did, essentially made me feel like I was on my own again with 'this'.  It had me building my walls again.  But we didn't stop until things were resolved.  This time my mantra to continue became this...
" Make it a Moment not a Mountain"
I now realize, that I have to communicate as soon as I am able to stop things from turning into a mountain of a problem.  Similar to the old saying, 'making a mountain out of a mole hill", with the exception that you stop and communicate so a mole hill shouldn't pop up either.  Or as I was saying to someone else, take the time to stop and take that pebble out of your shoe before it rubs and forms a blister.  BUT that is not as catchy of a saying!
Often I hear women say that a switch is turned on in their husbands.  All of a sudden, they 'get' it.
But this thing being This Thing We Do...We are not like that.  We were in the dark. Trying to look at the landscape around us. Our sky  had the odd meteor shower.  There were always stars.  The view was beautiful ~ our night sky, but we both knew we wanted more. 
 Instead of a switch being turned on,  our adventure to our HoH seems to be  more like dawn.  A sunrise.  Things that we could barely make out in the night, even though others pointed them out to us, are coming into focus.  We are seeing more of the landscape.  Although there is still a great deal of shadows, and fog,we are patiently waiting for the completion of the sunrise.  We are not expecting clear skies.  This just means we will be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun after it peeks out from behind a cloud that much more.  However, that is " hours" away.   For now we shall sip our coffee and enjoy the colours exposed in the sky as our sun rises- together.



Friday, April 12, 2013

Results from Saying and Not Doing . . aka All H-ll Broke Loose

This is the tale of Wilma the Terrible. This is going to be a difficult post to write, for a couple of reasons. The first one being that this happened about 2 weeks ago. The second being that you are going to think me 'quite the handful'. I am well aware that I am an adult of well middle age,(eeeek, what a horrid expression THAT is. At least I hope I am only middle age!) Should I have more control over my emotions ?  Most likely. Here is the thing that I hope those of you who have never experienced this consider, for decades I have learned to 'control' my emotions. Ttwd is showing me that this really wasn't the answer either. That being said, there are ways to do it more respectfully with others, but for me THIS is my area of baby steps.

Okay then on with the show.....( disclaimer, sorry if this wasn't worth the 'wait' lol)

Back again to the Fiesty Fargone post. Barney knew, and he even said so in many jesting comments that I was distancing, and 'not feeling it' for lack of a better term. I suppose he had his reasons, ones he still hasn't shared with me, for his inaction. At first I believed it to be WWS, ( Wounded Wife Syndrome) but as time went on, I believe his reasons changed. Perhaps it was because of the fact that it has been so long? I am still unclear.

Regardless, a cold front move into Bedrock. You know the one, where you are polite. You still chat, but the feeling between you is not the same as it has been in the immediate past. It reverts back to the pre-ttwd phase of your relationship. Where the average observer would see nothing wrong- you know there is. 


Yes that is ice

In the interest of giving it the old college try, I walked to the grocery store while Barney was at work to pick up the things we would need for an impromptu Cook Together Night.  He was more than happy when he came home. The evening started off lovely, ( yes lovely?..good grief I am OLDER than middle age, before you know it I will be saying slacks ). I had a glass or two of Submission, and we were chatting about this and that. We cooked together ( Chicken Marsala if you are interested)and returned to the dining room.  We were playful and joking. At one point while standing by his chair, I poked him.

"Did you just poke me? "

" Yup" ( evil grin )

" Okay.  why ? "

" Just pokin' the bear " *giggle*

" Oh, okay, message received" ( chuckling)

Later Barney brought up our oldest son. We were discussing his school work. For those who don't know he has dyslexia, as do I. So Barney started to talk about Heir to the Throne's work ethic. To him, Heir to the Throne not succeeding in math, was a short walk to him having a horrible work ethic in the future ( or so I heard). I lost it. Like completely lost it.

Basically I went from this ( this is my intently listening to my husband face)

To This

In a matter of minutes. Oh yes, and I also 'wrestled' the cutlery basket of our dishwasher for good measure too. Take THAT inanimate object!

Initially I tried to explain to him why the two were not related.  Of course it is difficult to explain if you haven't had to live with a 'learning disability'.  As most of you are well aware by now Barney is a very understanding individual.  He tried to 'see' what I was saying, I wish now that I can say the same in return.  I became frustrated and angry.  I cleared the table of our long forgotten lovely dinner.  I slammed things around the kitchen and beat up the dishwasher.  When he tried to explain what he meant I shut him down.  I went upstairs, and violently brushed my teeth.  For some unknown reason I threw the blasted hanger on his side of the bed.  I had snapped!  I couldn't control the rage I had inside. 

I know now that this argument really probably didn't have anything to do with our son.  I do have a difficult time with him and his schooling since starting ttwd.  It is as if all those insecure emotions I had as a teen 'hiding' that I was different ( and at the time I didn't know why ) come rushing out now every time he struggles.  I felt judged for him with Barney's comments.  The fact that Barney was worried about our son not having a good work ethic is most likely something that all fathers think of their sons at one point or another during their teen years.  Did I think of that?  Nope. I snapped at him

So I grabbed a blanket off of our bed, and my pillow and headed to our couch in the living room.  After a while Barney entered the room, and said,

 " Wilma, I want you to come to bed."

<eye role in the dark.  back turned to him> " Yeah well THAT is not going to happen"

He signed and left the room.  Okay ALL was not lost.  After less than 10 minutes I went upstairs to talk.  Here is what I discovered when I entered our room.........

I left again.  Ah but wait, you might recall my favourite 'dance' move..

He didn't even stir !!!  Back to my 'new' bed I went.  About an hour later he came back downstairs.

" Wilma please come to bed"

"why ???" I was hurt.  He fell asleep.  I was coming to talk.  To communicate.  To open up as I was bothered by my reaction.  He was sooooooooo bothered he fell asleep.

" Because I am asking you too"

I went.  No further words were exchanged that night.  Our polite but roommate like state stayed for days on end. About 4 days later, on his way out the door he said,

" Tomorrow before I go to work.  We are going to discuss things concerning ttwd.  We are going to start this back on track again"


The next day I waited.  All day I waited.  About 40 minutes before his usual departure time, I heard him jump in the shower.  sigh .  Not going to happen again.  I was so hurt.  I could feel the tears choking my throat.  My eyes were burning, but there was NO way I was going to allow them to fall.  Contact lenses be damned.  Float out of my eyes, I refuse to blink! No tear shall run down my cheek this time.

Twenty minutes before  he left for work.  TWENTY.  Two Zero !  20 mins!! He sat down to talk.  excuse me? We have been down this road before, where I have expressed how hurtful this is to me.  To wait until the last possible moment in the day to talk.  That I was the last thing on his list.  Not too mention now we have a time limit!  Needless to say my mind was NOT in this discussion.

He said he wanted to discuss my post.  The unable to communicate post if you please.  Oh YES! Nothing says I am here for you to open up to like a timed conversation!!!

I couldn't say anything.  I honestly couldn't.  Did you ever notice how different your tears are shed from situation to situation? Some times they burn the outter corners of your eyes, and fall in a stream.  The ones silently shed this day were the huge drops that come individually.  I sat there and looked at my lap.  I could not believe this was happening.  I must say that throughout all of the week past, I never once thought we were not going to continue ttwd.  For now we have very much put that issue to bed.  I did wonder if we were ever going to 'get it right' - find a stride for a bit.  But I no longer worry about if  we are going to continue.

I honestly don't remember what Barney said to me as I sat on the couch anymore.  I do remember that I started to express how could we possibly start what I thought was a serious and in depth conversation in less than 20 minutes.  I then started talking about needing him to stop 'joking' about things.  To follow through, or communicate why or why not.  We volleyed around for a moment or two.  And now for the all hell broke loose part....

"  You aren't exactly approachable these days. I don't know how to lead you.  You are too much for me! "

direct hit.

" You!"  I stop to catch my breath as the tears picked up.  " You wanted to talk about my inability to open up???.   and then you deliever a 'gem' such as that?  I was trying to open up.  Starting to tell you how I feel when you do these things and with comments like that last one you found a way to SLAM the F***ing door shut again!!"  ( again, Fbomb isn't normally part of my vocabulary.  and certainly not directed to people)


"Good? "

" Yes good.  I want you to open up to me. I don't care how right now.  Yell at me if you have to .  Just share with me"

Sweet right?  Well the rest of our conversation wasn't as fruitful.

He mentioned that there are no guidelines or road map for ttwd.  I had 'suggested' that perhaps he draw his own and we will follow it.  That is why it is referred to as This Thing We Do.  I also reminded him that a couple of HoH friends have offered an ear to him more than once.   Anyway..

The phone interrupted us- something about Heir to the Throne. ( Anyone interested in a brilliant and equally brilliantly frustrating teenage boy?) He then turned our conversation to that subject matter. Thus ending our 20 minute discussion.  Barney kissed me good-bye.  I did not look up to kiss him in return.  Before he left he pulled a Wilma, and did a Uturn.

" I will be making guidelines this week and we will, YOU will be following them.  If you do not there will be consquences"

I didn't look up.

He left and I sat there.....angry?  How dare he!  Start a topic that clearly needs more than 20 minutes and then leave like HE is the injured party.  Oh I don't think so!! Only there wasn't a darned thing I could do about it.  I was alone.  Wait.  He wants communication.  I'll give him communication.  I started to write.  Mostly to expel my body of venom.  I often do this and then hit delete.  On occasion I will send it to a friend.  I suppose it has the same result as posting a post as opposed to just keeping it in your drafts folder.  That day I sent my letter to a friend.  She suggested I give it to Barney.  I sent it to his email ( he doesn't check it at work).  What did I say? Well the subject line was

 " Here is the communication you So desire"

I am so incredibly angry with you right now.  I can’t believe you did this to me AGAIN.  You say something 24 hours ahead of time, ( and I know you are probably not going to follow through) and then you wait until 20 minutes before you have to walk out the door before you bring it up.  THEN you have the nerve to get frustrated with me because I won’t open up.  Well let me tell you something… AGAIN, when you pull that ‘crap,’ all day I wait and wonder when you are going to bring up our conversation…remember,  I am not supposed to control anything.  Sure I can bring stuff up I want to talk about, but this was ‘your’ baby.

Let’s back it up a bit shall we ?  You were told about the difficulty of switching from daily maintenance to a sudden stop of nothing at all.  We discussed the need for some type of submissive exercises on our vacation.  I had no delusions that you were going to suddenly turn into ******, trust me.  Instead nothing…from 3 very intimate weeks…to nothing at all.  You underestimate the power of the physical part of  ttwd.  I understand you are a ‘wait and see’ kind of guy, but my understanding back when we started this is that you wanted to change too.  Instead the things you pick up on are my issues and focus on how “ I’m too much for you “  Nice touch by the way.

So back home…. you started hinting before we left *****, that you were going to make  me ‘sorry’ or you were keeping a tally of all my wrong doings…then when we get back home, you start with that again.  Telling me that you are watching.  Joking that things will be dealt with.  Which is it Barney.?  Is this a joke to you?  Because it isn’t to me.  You made a commitment and you say things all the time…LAST NIGHT as a matter of fact about ttwd, but you don’t.  I have talked to you about this before…time and time again.   ****has send you emails.  ***** has left you comments.  All the time you say you understand, and that their words really help it sink in for you.  Yet you leave me hanging in the breeze again.  Left to the end of the day…after everything  else was taken care of…and then fight…quick exit.

Things WERE starting to work before we went away.  But now I’m  ‘too much’ for you to lead?  Perhaps if you hadn’t stopped leading, then I wouldn’t have gotten so far away and became too much to begin with?  You are right, technically you cannot force me to talk to you…but I am constantly communicating my needs to you.  You would seriously have to be blind to not know when I need your ‘attention’ .  I know you see it.  You’ve told me.  So why not ?  You are doing neither one of us any favours by inaction and wait and see.  WHAT you are doing is confirming that whatever my issues are, I must go it alone.  Fix them myself.  Because you do have the ability to break down some of my walls, and I have not only given you permission, but ASKED you to in the past as well.  You saw for yourself what a difference it makes. So now when you don’t follow through-  When you brush me off.- When you give ( basically ) give me a time limit to open up, you are telling me that my needs aren’t that great.  That I should figure it out myself, and report back to you all happy and Mary Sunshine like.  _IF_ I could do that on my own, do you not think I would?

Yes I am not approachable as of late.  But don’t kid yourself, I didn’t get this way on my own.  

Later that night.  I wrote a second email ( after some of the venom was gone)

Basically I outlined things  I thought I was doing for our ttwd relationship. I asked him to tell me what else he thought he was doing.  Perhaps we both  thought we were outwardly projecting our 'roles' but we were failing to do so in the others eyes.

I left him a note saying I sent him 2 emails...I never heard about either one.

Once again we returned to this state.

There seemed to be no end in sight.  I mean what do I do with that?  " You are too much for me".  Once again it was my fault.  I am ruining things?  I can't soften up.  But I asked for help.  He has seen for himself how it has worked in the past.  Since I shared with him on our vacation my fears of not being able to open up,  he hasn't stepped into to 'help' me when I started to spin.  Why?  Then I started to spin further.
 There was no discussion about guidelines or road maps.  I didn't care about that.  I just longed for my husband and for me not to feel so, hurt?  lost? alone? out of control.  During the day there are plenty of distractions.  Plenty of things to focus on, and 'real' problems. But at night.  At night there is nothing of the sort.  There is merely the Great Divide in bed.  Screaming at us that there is something wrong.  Something broken.   I couldn't find it in me to turn to him.  He could pick that up, he didn't try.
Then something happened.  I wish I could say I found it in me to try again.  To fake it until I made it.  To turn to him on my own.  I really wish I could say that my husband turned into this guy over night too....
None of those things happened this time ( more to come about that later- wink ).  What happened seems odd really.  Looking back perhaps I could call it Divine Intervention?   I had a nightmare.  Not a serious nightmare like your child has gone missing.  Not one that has your heart racing when you wake up.  I had a nightmare that I haven't had in decades.  I used to have two reoccurring nightmares as a child.  One was about the ocean ~ anything you can imagine about the ocean.  That was the 'theme' of it.  The other one was this one.  This one is not scary anymore as an adult.  Well I should clarify, while I was dreaming it, it seemed so very real, but upon waking that fear was immediately gone.  I was however very unsettled as to why I had this dream.  Another ttwd couple was also in this dream.  Checking 'up' on us.  In my dream I was huddled into Barney. 

Barney lay beside me asleep.  His position was not conducive to cuddling.  I did it anyway.  Almost automatically, he turned into a better position and kissed my hair.  After a few minutes I was WAY too So I rolled back over.  He followed- essentially spooning me.  He reached over my back and held my hand.

The next day, wasn't really that much different from the day before.  I didn't tell him about my nightmare.  We continued living in the same house, but not really together.   He worked late that night, and I was fast asleep when he came home.  This night however, he removed the Great Divide.  He climbed into bed, checked my pj bottoms ( he never does that! )  and then snuggled in behind me.  Later in the night my head found his chest.  Nothing was ever spoken. 

The following day things were different....

(I am not trying to make a cliff hanger, it is just that I want to give each 'episode' the attention it deserves, without having an extremely long post)

Monday, April 8, 2013

Beginning to Unravel~ How WWS Affected Me

 I have mentioned, somewhere that I am the type of person that sees  worries about things three steps down the line.  Barney is more of a lets fix it after it is broken, kind of guy.  Don't shout at me.  This is how I see things around here from years of living with the man.  There could be all sorts of different reasons for this, but it doesn't change the facts.  This is how I see us both.

Well this view, doesn't bode well for a Dd relationship, especially when the wife has a difficult time 'sharing'.  I suppose that is a bit of a stretch.  Some times I share, but when it comes to turning to Barney, that is where I 'falter' .  Basically this is what happened when we were away.

 If you can try to dust the cobwebs off and remember before we left, Barney had decided on daily or nightly, depending, spankings.  This was apparently more for him then I.  So he would grow in his confidence.  They were 'easy' spankings as far as spankings go.  The odd thing was it ended up being for me.  I mean not in a reset or release way, as they were mostly too short for that, but in a " He's engaged" way.  He hasn't forgotten about ttwd.  Only outside of the spanking he wasn't 'on', but at the time I was taking what I could get.  He stopped about 5 days before we left as a precautionary measure.  No need for leather butt on the beach! 

I'll spare you the vacation details but I started to slip, slide and away. On the outside I was. calm, cool and collected ( oh just go with it !)  on the inside I was more like this.....

Did I 'turn' to my husband?  No. Why? well, a few reasons.  The first is I was 'trying' to let him do this his way.  It becomes a very confusing road, driving in the dark.  Do I ask for help, ( he assured me that he was going to find ways to exert his dominance while we were on vacation)?  Would that send him a message that I didn't have faith in him?  But soon those internal questions turned more sinister.  If you've been 'there' you will understand.  The questions then stop being about our relationship, and start being about him.  " Why is he not trying?"  " Why can't he see I am slipping?"  " Are we not doing this while we are away, despite what HE said?" .  Now that line of thinking is bad enough, but the last line is the one that had everything falling down around me/us.  The personal attack line of thinking.  " What is the matter with me? "  " We are in paradise.  Why can't I just enjoy this?"  " Clearly Barney is able to separate the two and relax.  Why can't you?"
This has always been a difficult challenge for me.  Relaxing.  I don't mean I am a 'hummingbird',far from it.  I do have a very difficult time 'switching' off my brain- Not to be confused with loosing my mind. THAT my dear friends I can do in the blink of an eye.

The above was a very condensed version of how I ended up writing my last post.  To be known as my turret post or TP ( not toilet paper) if I need to mention it again. 

Okay.  So the TP was written, eventually given to Barney and read.  Then WWS hit.  I went from being his wife on vacation with his family to this

( btw, who has white socks that white?  must have just come out of the package)
For the record I should state.  I was NOT looking for a spanking.  I was just sharing why I believed I was distancing-the guilt over not being about to share, and what was going on IN me.  I was not looking for him to come up with answers.  I was also NOT looking for pity.  I know Barney can't control his emotions, any more than I can.  By that I mean I am aware that if you are going to 'feel' something, there really is nothing you can do about it.  I am not criticizing his feelings, merely explaining how WWS~ wounded wife syndrome happened here, and its affects on us at the time.
Barney clicked into Super Sensitive Mode.  Now I know this is confusing to a man, that he is really amping it up, and his wife is not responding well.  This is what she has wanted all along right?  For me to be more attentive?  To show an interest- to try?  I suppose the problem comes when we think our husbands are doing this out of pity.  That they are acting out of character because they feel sorry for us.  That we are broken, and should be handled with care.  In short, sure we want  them to act that way towards us, but for the right reasons.  Fair to them?  Most likely not.  But there it is. Out there.
I couldn't change my reactions to his attempts because I couldn't understand  them anymore more than he could.  It was not case of me not getting the reaction out of Barney that I wanted.  I had no idea what I wanted.  I just knew I wanted him to stop looking at me like I was broken.  So I stopped showing that I was

Yup the complete opposite of what I was trying to achieve.  I know my husband was trying what he thought was best.  Who knows, maybe in a different situation, at a different time this would be exactly what I would desire.  Only this time it just kept reaffirming to me that there was indeed something wrong with me.  I suppose looking back, that there is nothing wrong with that. I mean I really just needed to change my line of thinking from " there is something wrong with you" to the message he was most likely trying to project " it is okay that you are you".  A difficult thing to do however when you are IN the thick of things, to change your mindset.

Sadly our vacation became somewhat better after I hardened up inside.  The look disappeared.  I was 'fixed'.  I 'decided', ( oh I know, that is a no no *ahem*) that I too would put ttwd on the back burner.  I would wait until my husband decided to switch it back on, (such as it was- but not really) when we left Canada.

I did playfully poke the bear, as well, it is my nature.  I was met with a few, " I am keeping a tally don't you worry" - okay that statement might have been from a couple of incidents that had me more than poking the bear.  I WAS the bear.  A few " You'll be paying for that" were tossed around as well. 

We arrived home to one VERY excited little dog.  Too bad the rest of us were completely exhausted due to jet lag for a few days.  Once " I woke up" I began to feel feisty again.  This is when I wrote my
A New Super Personality is Born ( the Feisty Fargone Post) .  I wasn't really expecting any 'action' during our, reconditioning- back- to -real- life week.  I was actually content to wait, and quite frankly a little curious to see what was going to happen.

Barney then continued with his 'playful' threats during this time.  Some may say that he was just getting his feet wet.  This may very well be true.  What it did to me however, was awaken ttwd in me.  Translation- I started to see that we weren't doing anything, and how it had already been 3 weeks.  The questions and doubts came flooding back again.  Barney still was not moving back into our routine, whatever the heck that even meant. Insert my mindset that I am thinking 3 steps down the line, he is waiting until things are completely broken.

That is how and when
 ( to be continued.......)