Monday, April 8, 2013

Beginning to Unravel~ How WWS Affected Me

 I have mentioned, somewhere that I am the type of person that sees  worries about things three steps down the line.  Barney is more of a lets fix it after it is broken, kind of guy.  Don't shout at me.  This is how I see things around here from years of living with the man.  There could be all sorts of different reasons for this, but it doesn't change the facts.  This is how I see us both.

Well this view, doesn't bode well for a Dd relationship, especially when the wife has a difficult time 'sharing'.  I suppose that is a bit of a stretch.  Some times I share, but when it comes to turning to Barney, that is where I 'falter' .  Basically this is what happened when we were away.

 If you can try to dust the cobwebs off and remember before we left, Barney had decided on daily or nightly, depending, spankings.  This was apparently more for him then I.  So he would grow in his confidence.  They were 'easy' spankings as far as spankings go.  The odd thing was it ended up being for me.  I mean not in a reset or release way, as they were mostly too short for that, but in a " He's engaged" way.  He hasn't forgotten about ttwd.  Only outside of the spanking he wasn't 'on', but at the time I was taking what I could get.  He stopped about 5 days before we left as a precautionary measure.  No need for leather butt on the beach! 

I'll spare you the vacation details but I started to slip, slide and away. On the outside I was. calm, cool and collected ( oh just go with it !)  on the inside I was more like this.....

 
 
 
Did I 'turn' to my husband?  No. Why? well, a few reasons.  The first is I was 'trying' to let him do this his way.  It becomes a very confusing road, driving in the dark.  Do I ask for help, ( he assured me that he was going to find ways to exert his dominance while we were on vacation)?  Would that send him a message that I didn't have faith in him?  But soon those internal questions turned more sinister.  If you've been 'there' you will understand.  The questions then stop being about our relationship, and start being about him.  " Why is he not trying?"  " Why can't he see I am slipping?"  " Are we not doing this while we are away, despite what HE said?" .  Now that line of thinking is bad enough, but the last line is the one that had everything falling down around me/us.  The personal attack line of thinking.  " What is the matter with me? "  " We are in paradise.  Why can't I just enjoy this?"  " Clearly Barney is able to separate the two and relax.  Why can't you?"
 
This has always been a difficult challenge for me.  Relaxing.  I don't mean I am a 'hummingbird',far from it.  I do have a very difficult time 'switching' off my brain- Not to be confused with loosing my mind. THAT my dear friends I can do in the blink of an eye.

The above was a very condensed version of how I ended up writing my last post.  To be known as my turret post or TP ( not toilet paper) if I need to mention it again. 

Okay.  So the TP was written, eventually given to Barney and read.  Then WWS hit.  I went from being his wife on vacation with his family to this

( btw, who has white socks that white?  must have just come out of the package)
 
 
For the record I should state.  I was NOT looking for a spanking.  I was just sharing why I believed I was distancing-the guilt over not being about to share, and what was going on IN me.  I was not looking for him to come up with answers.  I was also NOT looking for pity.  I know Barney can't control his emotions, any more than I can.  By that I mean I am aware that if you are going to 'feel' something, there really is nothing you can do about it.  I am not criticizing his feelings, merely explaining how WWS~ wounded wife syndrome happened here, and its affects on us at the time.
 
 
Barney clicked into Super Sensitive Mode.  Now I know this is confusing to a man, that he is really amping it up, and his wife is not responding well.  This is what she has wanted all along right?  For me to be more attentive?  To show an interest- to try?  I suppose the problem comes when we think our husbands are doing this out of pity.  That they are acting out of character because they feel sorry for us.  That we are broken, and should be handled with care.  In short, sure we want  them to act that way towards us, but for the right reasons.  Fair to them?  Most likely not.  But there it is. Out there.
 
I couldn't change my reactions to his attempts because I couldn't understand  them anymore more than he could.  It was not case of me not getting the reaction out of Barney that I wanted.  I had no idea what I wanted.  I just knew I wanted him to stop looking at me like I was broken.  So I stopped showing that I was
 


Yup the complete opposite of what I was trying to achieve.  I know my husband was trying what he thought was best.  Who knows, maybe in a different situation, at a different time this would be exactly what I would desire.  Only this time it just kept reaffirming to me that there was indeed something wrong with me.  I suppose looking back, that there is nothing wrong with that. I mean I really just needed to change my line of thinking from " there is something wrong with you" to the message he was most likely trying to project " it is okay that you are you".  A difficult thing to do however when you are IN the thick of things, to change your mindset.

Sadly our vacation became somewhat better after I hardened up inside.  The look disappeared.  I was 'fixed'.  I 'decided', ( oh I know, that is a no no *ahem*) that I too would put ttwd on the back burner.  I would wait until my husband decided to switch it back on, (such as it was- but not really) when we left Canada.

I did playfully poke the bear, as well, it is my nature.  I was met with a few, " I am keeping a tally don't you worry" - okay that statement might have been from a couple of incidents that had me more than poking the bear.  I WAS the bear.  A few " You'll be paying for that" were tossed around as well. 

We arrived home to one VERY excited little dog.  Too bad the rest of us were completely exhausted due to jet lag for a few days.  Once " I woke up" I began to feel feisty again.  This is when I wrote my
A New Super Personality is Born ( the Feisty Fargone Post) .  I wasn't really expecting any 'action' during our, reconditioning- back- to -real- life week.  I was actually content to wait, and quite frankly a little curious to see what was going to happen.

Barney then continued with his 'playful' threats during this time.  Some may say that he was just getting his feet wet.  This may very well be true.  What it did to me however, was awaken ttwd in me.  Translation- I started to see that we weren't doing anything, and how it had already been 3 weeks.  The questions and doubts came flooding back again.  Barney still was not moving back into our routine, whatever the heck that even meant. Insert my mindset that I am thinking 3 steps down the line, he is waiting until things are completely broken.

That is how and when
 ( to be continued.......)

36 comments:

  1. I was just rehearsing my comment in my head, and then I saw that last picture.
    I think, I am going to lie under cover for a while.....

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    1. Ah Bas, all of this is past tense. If you're still kicking, you survived the initial explosion, and aftershocks

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  2. What?! Ack!!!
    I hate cliffhangers...
    (((hugs)))

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    1. Oh sorry. I hope you are not too disappointed. The next part is about a rocky/chilly/ fighty week. But I think it will be too long to add to this.

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  3. I don't have any advice to give but you can bend my ear if you like.
    Hang in there kiddo I some healing and self discovering going on in this post
    I'll be here for the next chapter

    Bob

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    1. Why thank you Bob. That is so sweet of you. These past few weeks have certainly been full of a lot of self discovery. It isn't always pretty though

      willie

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  4. I am sorry to hear that things have been difficult. I am a worrier...my husband doesn't wait until things are broken - he thinks everything is fine so nothing broken nothing to fix...meanwhile I am always trying to improve upon our relationship to help us become stronger and closer. It is all so very confusing. Lately I have been able to let the worries go and not spiral downward into the dark...and be aware of every improvement and growth despite the fact that at times it does not feel enough for me. I hope in part II you discover and receive all you both need... :-) Hugs, Terps

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    1. These past few weeks have been bumpy for sure Terps. I am not so sure how to shake the worrier gene. Barney and I have been talking about my perceptions. Well I have. He's been listening. lol

      I understand what you are saying. It is helpful to 'pan for gold' and come across those nuggets, yet sometimes it still isn't enough for a loaf of bread. To satisfy the hunger. Hopefully in time the panning becomes easier and the nuggets become bigger.

      willie

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  5. First of all, Willie - where did you get the video of me from a couple of weeks ago? sheesh - it is hard when everything goes to pieces, I know....

    If you haven't lived life as a TiH wife, it would be very difficult to understand the complicated dance that is dd. I am sure it is difficult for HoHs too, but as a submissive wife we exist in a very precarious place.

    We are supposed to go to our husbands and admit that we need his dominance, but in the act of doing so, we are being somewhat controlling because we are essentially saying, "Wake Up! I need a spanking to reset/reaffirm/reconfigure myself!"
    Having done that we certainly undermine his confidence in himself to perceive our needs and in some tiny niggling way reaffirm to ourselves that he is not following too closely. It does not exactly exercise the submissive muscle, either.....(unless done exactly right.)
    TiH women have a tendency to wait. To ignore those feelings, hoping that our man will put down the newspaper and pick up the paddle. Usually, we wait too long, and what started as a small need for reassurance has become a marauding wildebeest nursing a neglected ego.

    Your feelings are normal, Willie and I think universal. This is hard stuff, for the guys, too. I am so happy that you are sharing them with us, and using these experiences to grow.
    I can't wait for the next installment....
    hugs and love
    lillie

    If I was disrespectful to Barney, I really didn't mean to be. I think his reactions are quite normal, as well. It has to be puzzling to try and unravel all these feelings we girls are experiencing. God bless them for trying....

    If he is miffed, tell him that he can spank you by proxy... ;)

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    1. First off, WHAT is with that 'garbage' at the end after the hugs and love part? You already got me a couple of extra swats once you know!! How would you like me to start leaving little 'suggestions' to Mr. Mammoth Hands McSpanky Pants on YOUR blog?

      What you mention above that, is so true. It can be down right dizzying in a TiH's mind as to what to do. How communicate without being seen as controlling. Not too mention the line seems to be constantly moving with the HoH's acceptance of asking too. I suppose to be fair, every situation is different in their minds. Often I believe it isn't in ours. We have an emotion and the heck with the reason behind it, we want *our* solution.

      Barney has recently discussed this with me. Not in depth- but for right now he is okay with me expressing what I think I need, ( doing it is a completely different matter) but I am certain that things will change again. Right now he wants communication from me above all. I just have to figure out the war within. Ooops see there I go again not trusting his judgement. I still think about what I have read on other blogs, or what his previous reactions were, or how I can 'fix' it myself. Urgh. Getting motion sickness again. Too many thoughts swimming around.

      The next instalment is a train wreck! lol...

      love willie

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  6. I thought the same thing as Lilmisses above- seriously Willie- a cliffhanger???

    Seriously though, it sounds like you have been doing some good thinking about stuff, and with thinking comes learning and moving forward in a good way. Because I am new at this, I've had no real good experience, so likely am not much help. Only thing that I have been thinking of lately is that it is a lot that we ask our men to do, and I think that we must remember that they don't see things exactly like us women do, and that they come to the table with experiences, thoughts and feelings of their own.

    Thank you for sharing these kinds of experiences so that the rest of us can think and learn from them! I will stay tuned. :) Hugs!

    <3 Katie

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    1. Oh boy...I hope the next installment doesn't disappoint..Sheesh. I didn't think that through. I just thought I better end it before the post got too long.

      Yes they do come at it with different emotions. I don't know whether or not it is being male, or just because they are a different person. Regardless this is where communication is paramount. However NOT easy. I often feel like I am trying to cough up a cotton ball when I try to 'find my words'

      Well I hope you are learning what NOT to do while reading here Katie!

      willie

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  7. Wow, I was going to comment, but I think Lillie did an amazing job! I don't have much to write after that.
    Completely true about the marauding wildebeest!
    The good part is acknowledging it and realizing that it is completely normal, and universal. That's when growing can begin and begin with knowing that you are not alone.

    I have found myself roaming around more like a tiny dinosaur... sometimes though.. you have to stop that beast and look at what's going on with them.
    Maybe they are hiding their own beast? or going through a rough patch themselves.
    Maybe it's work? Maybe it's a mid life crisis? Maybe they just need some time and or love from our side - they maybe are even hiding worries or fears they think are silly and wouldn't bring up to you.

    "H" and I have been 'round this before and I was quite hurt and then humbled after he had pointed a few things out to me, when in "dino" mode...

    I was so self absorbed in my black hole and wishing him to take actions, pull me out and rescue me, that I had completely dismissed anything to be wrong with him or even his feelings on this all. Here he was struggling with god only knows what and he has this crazy dino girl chomping down on things around him.

    The guys do take the brunt of it. We tend to think we are a systems of messy maps and they are in need of a good gps system -But sometimes (so I've been told) we need to think less and just become accepting of the normalcy of our issues, and welcome them as "experiences"

    All I can offer is to remember that patience can work wonders on the "man aid" as well as some encouraging words. We have our feelings but we can sometimes get too caught up in living in our own moments.
    If our men are used to a girl they met and married, it's very hard for them to get used to the idea of this girl, turning into a TiH wife and the emotional ride that comes along with it.
    They need a lot of processing time.
    It's been more then a year for us, and my role is still ever changing in my eyes, and so is His.
    it's been a long road and we are just now evening things out and what may seem balanced now, will more then likely be upset again at some point.

    the best part is doing that ride together with you Husband and with those in blogland.



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    1. Well it is certainly a good thing you didn't have much to add after Lillie's comment!

      Yes they have their own issues too. COMMUNICATION would remove some of our stress that we maybe having because of their stress. I am not sure if it is a new HoH issue or not. But it seems like they have to bear the weight all by themselves, but what happened to Captain and First Mate? Shouldn't they be bouncing off at least 'some' of their concerns off of us.

      I understand that after a while they are the final decision, but being an HoH would be an awfully lonely position if they couldn't be the husband too. The man who needs his wife as well.

      While it might shake our confidence a bit with their honesty and struggle, in the long run it might help us better understand. Keep the roars to a minimum.

      But what the heck do I know?

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  8. Emi has written some very good stuff in her comment - it is certainly very hard for our men to get used to this new concept, more often than not, thrust upon them virtually completely out of the blue, especially when they thought you were both cruising along quite happily without it. Instead of tying myself into further knots, I am now going to join Bas under the covers! I hope they have armour-plating!

    I wish you all the best in your sorting this thing out Willie.

    Many hugs

    Ami

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    1. Ami! Joining Bas under the covers? Might be kinda crowded with Lisa there!

      No worries...( touch wood ) these posts are from the experiences of the past few weeks. I don't think it would take THAT long for the aftershock of the Wilma Bomb to reach Europe. You should be good. No guarantees for the future though. Perhaps I'll figure out an early warning system.

      willie

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  9. Willie, what you write is unfortunately all to familiar. I have been there and gone thru what you describe with Nina on more than one occasion. I wait with baited breath to see how your situation is resolved.

    George

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    1. Eeeeeeeeek baited breath! Oh cripes the pressure. I am afraid it was more like divine intervention. But I'll explain more soon...I hope

      willie

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  10. Lillie and Emi had some really good advice.

    I am not in your situation but I am experiencing Brice waiting for the perfect time, kids not home etc... By the time it is his perfect time...I can relate to your picture above. I have lost any submission, and my brain to mouth filter. The difference is I know it is coming but I still cannot seem to keep myself from spiraling out of control. When I know in reality I could probably make it easier on myself if I could straighten up.

    Also I want to thank you for the shout out above and for your friendship the last few months. I do hope for input from others to undo the corruption you and Lucy have caused me. ;)

    Love ya!
    Betsy;)

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    1. Well hopefully with all this new help, you will be deprogrammed in no time. Therefore there will be no more 'waiting' for you- as you will be the perfect angel you claim to be ( right after the unicorns reappear)

      As for waiting. That is a subject that needs to be discussed. Hopefully the two of you can come up with a solution of submissive exercises or something until he can 'get to it'. But only communication will help that. ( says the girl with cotton balls in her mouth)

      Love ya too!
      willie

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  11. Hey You,

    I know you were super lonely today without me home to hang out with you. :D Emotions are a funny thing. They never seem to cooperate, and often times what we think we want isn't what we want at all, and what we really want isn't what we think we want. Bucko and I have had the same sort of problem. He's trying what he thinks I want and heck even what I think I want, but it isn't what I want at all. I'm sure that made no sense, but neither do these feelings and our reactions sometimes, so just go with it.

    I love the Kermit picture. I can so see a Willie bouncing around like that. Those socks are clearly new or super bleached. I hope that all hell breaking loose led to good things for you and the Barnster. I can't wait to read, especially since you left us all hanging!

    Lots of love,
    TL

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    1. THANK you! About the socks! Finally affirmation that I am not the only one despite bottles of bleach that never sees them that white again!

      INTERNALLY I was Kermit. Pfft outside, cooooooooooool as a cucumber. Down right frigid actually!

      I understood, as terrifying as that is to admit, what you said. Often Barney will tell me the next day or after a 'situation' " Oh I thought about spanking you then" Some day maybe they will go with their gut too. That is probably contradictory to stuff I said in other comments. See what my man has to deal with?

      love, willie

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  12. My first reaction upon reaching the last of your post is...OH GIRL! I sure hope things go up soon. It seems like you have great support and are learning what it takes for you and Barney.

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  13. I know this is not particularly encouraging, but we find ourselves in versions of this place in repeating cycles. As you know, I was in a small one yesterday. I know what I need, I know what he has promised and I wonder how it will work out. I move many mental steps ahead of my husband and it makes him crazy. Just last week he spanked me for going to a "gloom and doom" place before we were really there. He is usually right, but no matter, how I feel is valid even if it isn't true. How he feels is valid too and my husband often needs space to figure things out. In the meantime, I am left going inside myself, building those fantastically strong walls that you built on vacation.

    Oh Willie...it's all so normal and yet so hard. What a lousy comment I am leaving! I do know that when we are stuck in this kind of mucky water we find humour in it, we remember that we are committed for good and tell each other that we are stuck with the other one. We very literally wait for a new day sometimes and just start over sometimes.

    Have I told you lately how much confidence I have in you two? You are both working hard in your own ways. You are getting somewhere!

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  14. Listen up....now you know, I am no good at this advice thing....and I am not about to start handing any out now....I know, I know...breath a sigh of relief! ;) What I can do is tell you that I believe that you all will get there...wherever "that" is. Ttwd is just a constant dance...sometimes we forget the steps...sometimes we are dancing alone....and heck sometimes I am stomping all over Ryan's feet while he is trying to lead me around the dance floor ;) I have faith, that this journey for you all has not been for nothing. We all have our own brand of Dd....and we all come to this in our own time. You are never going to see the rainbow without a little rain...or sometimes in our cases...a monsoon! Hang in there....don't give up....and keep talking it out....

    Much love from the *funny* and un-wise (is that a word??)...

    ~Lucy

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  15. Willie, I want to go back and give you all the words you gave me the night I was ready to call it quits. You put it all so well and every time I try to reciprocate I fall flat. I just don't have those beautiful words. But I know I put the anger and bitterness aside, one more time and things have been really feeling like we're finding our way since that night. A few bumps and I know there will be more. But Wilie, I know you know how this works because you walked me through it.

    I keep trying to remember that balancing act. Yes, I need him to lead but he can't do that if I'm fighting and unwilling to follow. I'm starting to see baby steps everyday and sometimes he says things that completely blow me away.

    Now who was that smart lady who said her husband told her that even if he didn't talk about, it didn't mean he wasn't thinking about it. I think it was that same smart woman who told me to let the soft side out again.

    If I had the words I give them to you! If I had arms long enough, I'd try to hug the hurt away! Keep trying, Willie. And hey, this is looking so much different than I thought it would but it feels so good to not be in control of it!

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  16. Good morning Willie, Sorry I'm a little late to the party. I'm sure you missed me :)

    A cliffhanger? Sheesh! Maybe I'll join Bas under the covers ... just kidding.

    I'm so sorry you went through such a rough time. This is hard stuff and just as hard for our guys as well. Especially if we don't understand our own reactions or needs at the time. If we can't, how can they? Sometimes they do need space to figure things out.

    It seems to me that as hard as this was, it has lead to some realisations for both of you and growth. You are both working hard on this and making strides forward.

    Love and hugs,
    Roz

    PS - I love the new look!



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    1. Yeah, where the flip were ya hiding? LOL

      I am all for space figuring things out. Explaining or communicating that you are doing so should be a two way street however. We have yet to discuss what happened on vacation. I'm not sure if we ever will. Or if we will before another vacation?

      There has been some slight growth I would say *wink*. For flowers can't bloom without some rain- right?

      love willie

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  17. Agh...I finally find five minutes to catch up around here and I get an emotional cliffhanger. I sure pray things are better for you guys right now! I don't have any advice but you can know that I am rooting for you in my neck of the woods. (Even if here lately things have been so crazy that I have been MIA.)
    Love, Bea

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    1. I have missed you my friend. I hope things slow soon so you are no longer MIA !

      Love willie

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  18. I hope things have gotten better but know that you're not alone all of us have had these thoughts about something being wrong with us. Hugs

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    1. Thank you Tiffany. Yes, I do know that everyone goes through similar situations. It is difficult to remember during the time however.

      hugs willie

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  19. You know, I find if my husband has promised something, good or bad, if it doesn't happen, I get all on edge afterwards, kind of like when you couldn't just relax on your trip. I think part of it's because we're still on hold, it's supposed to happen, and just because it didn't when promised, doens't mean we shouldn't still be alert and waiting, but the not knowing, is so hard. It is for me anyway. I can't wait to see what happened... that explosion looks a little terrifying. {{{HUGS}}}

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    1. Yes, it is so difficult isn't it EsMay? To be promised something good or unpleasant and having to wait. Not knowing when? or if they have forgotten.

      The explosion wasn't terrifying, but most unpleasant :)

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  20. Hi Willie,
    I am late. I read this a few days ago and didn't get a chance to respond. Lillie and especially Emi have some very good insights. I sure many of us have taken notes. I did.

    Whenever I read about someone not expressing their needs and expecting their husbands to get it, I get really frustrated and angry. It takes me back to my own feelings over two decades when I denied my own needs so as not to start a fight or for whatever reason. It brings all of those feelings back and it is a place I refuse to be anymore.

    As HoH it is his responsibility to listen to me. He doesn't need to have the answers but he has to listen. But that requires that I indicate to him that I need to talk. This whole lifestyle begins and ends with communication and I refuse to accept anything else from either one of us. No more shutting down or holding back. I have actually blocked him several times now from moving away from me when I can tell he is shutting me out.

    Yes, in some ways I am still controlling certain things. I think it is natural in the beginning (by that I mean the first couple of years, especially if there is a long history). I have tried to change my language, so I am not telling him what to do. Instead of saying I need you to do this, I try to make it about me. "I feel this way and this has helped me in the past when I have felt this way." I try to take the word "you" out of my conversation.

    We are becoming different people then the one's they have been living with the past few decades. Just as we are trying to figure this out, they are trying to understand this new person. They are hearing things from us that they have never heard before. A year and a half ago, if someone had told Barney in a year he would be spanking his wife for discipline, he probably would have fallen out of his chair laughing at the thought.

    Now suddenly they are discovering another women that to some extent we have been hiding from them for years. It will take time and a lot of open honest input from us before they can become confident in reading this new women. If we don't share our thoughts and needs we are violating the intent of submission, to honor and respect our husbands. I know there will come a day when we go to them and we are cut off and told "I know, I've got this" or we will find ourselves over their knee with no idea why only to discover that they have seen us slipping before we ourselves realized it. Until then we must to talk.

    I know you have already come to a good place with this. I am expressing myself here more for someone in the middle of it. I hope it may give someone reading and in the same situation another perspective.
    Love,
    Blue Bird

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  21. Sorry I am so late to the party. I hope the next installment is not quite so dire as your picture makes it seem. You have some great comments here so I think I will just send you my support. Take Care...

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