And now that part you are all waiting for, where we gleefully ride off into the sunset. Well he can ride, I shall choose the Monty Python style of horse back riding ( bum's too sore)
But I am getting ahead of myself here. As indicated at the end of my last post, things seemed a bit better after my nightmare, and the next night. In the daylight, we seemed 'softer' with each other. He started taking my hand again when we walked. I would snuggle up to him in bed as soon as he got in. Bit by bit we were finding each other. But somehow things felt different this time. I can't put my finger on it now, ( should have written this post while it was happening) but I suppose it doesn't matter.
A few days after my nightmare, Barney addressed me about an r/a. Which to us now means one of two things, reconnection appointment or reset appointment. At this point a month had passed since I was last over his lap. There was some confusion and miscommunication that had him hesitant to spank earlier in the week. Once that was resolved he informed me that the next day when the kids were at school we would reconnect. I was cautiously optimistic. Not because I wanted the spanking, but because I needed the spanking.
I wanted to talk about that just for a moment. I have heard a few murmurs about how Dd and spanking might actually stop women from coping with things/issues on their own. Waiting for their husbands to step in and reset them isn't helpful because ( let me borrow a term from child rearing ) we can't self sooth. While I obviously can't speak for others, I can tell you about myself. All my life I have self soothed and sometimes it is great. For the most part my methods of 'coping' were not methods of coping at all. I had perfected the art of 'stuffing' down. Avoiding. Pretending nothing was wrong. Ttwd has forced me, bit by bit to cope. To face the emotions no matter how difficult ( well I am a work in progress at the very least). Spanking for a reset has actually brought down some walls, and given me strength to 'cope'. I'm not sure if you haven't experienced this, the above paragraph makes any sense whatsoever.
Alright on to the spanking. Feels a little weird describing it, but I think it might be important to understand the bigger picture. Barney took his position, propped up against the headboard and waited for me.
W-" I'm nervous"
" I'm nervous because it has been so long. What if it doesn't 'work' ? " At this point I was at the end of our bed , several feet away.
" I know, I am nervous about that too. We'll get through"
So over I went. He started with his hand as a warm up, and then took out the wooden spoon. After a long while. He asked me how I was doing.
" I'm fine'
" This is not 'working' for you is it ? "
" Well it is stingy but, I don't know- I feel I need............... more"
At that he got up for a moment and came back with the bath brush. He alternated with things so I didn't get too numb and zone out. He talked a little bit. Nothing too memorable. After about 25 minutes he pulled me up into his arms, stroking my leg. I tried to melt into him. He spoke for literally a minute.
" You are not done are you? "
I shook my head that was tucked under his chin.
"Okay" he said. " Back over you go"
He started to talk to me more as he 'wailed' away.
"Boy, are you ever far gone"
" I know. I told you that last week"
" Yes you did. And I'm sorry"
This is where things got a little different with his chatting.
" I want you to let go. You need to let go. It is okay now. I am in charge here now"
With that last statement, my breath hitched. Tears came into my eyes. The tears in the eyes thing has only ever happened once, out of guilt during my one punishment spanking ( further proof of my angelic state-- --hush those of you who are behind the scenes! )
But I had never had my breath hitch. Like the dam was about to burst. I let those few words he said in such a soft caressing way, echo in my mind for a while. I am in charge here now. I am not sure if he had said that a while ago whether or not it would have had the same affect on me as it did that day. but...
He continued...followed up with. " You need to let go of the anger"
Say what? Anger...? What the flip is that all about ..oh angry huh? ( Go ahead shake your head. Ready the pitchforks. Light the torches...btw I already have heard from a couple of women they have done the same thing, in similar situations, so there! lol). He stopped for a second time, but didn't pull me into his arms this time. I sat on my heals on the bed.
" Alright, back over you go. Your still not done are you?"
Back over I went. The dam wasn't going to break he had decided. He half sighed, and chuckled at the same time.
" Okay. That is enough. It has been 35 minutes. We have to 'save' some of you for the rest of the week. It is only Wednesday."
I smiled and lay on him for a while. We then went about our daily business. I sat at the computer to do something. It was there, about an hour later, that my bum started to , 'thaw?". HOLY SMOKES ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I had looked right after our r/a and my back end DID have a sub profile all its own. But man alive! I went to stand up...Good grief, I thought sitting was supposed to be the issue?!! My sweet chat buddy suggested frozen peas ( while I agree that those little green balls of mushy poison should only serve the purpose of being on a swollen bum, I didn't have any) I took and ice pack and headed to my room ( side note for those who are up in arms...I was the one who asked Barney twice to continue). I fell asleep on my tummy , ice pack on my bum. Barney came in and crouched down by my side to look me in the eye. I might add he did chuckle when he came in our room ( grrrr...lol)
" Ice huh? Are you okay ?"
" Yes, I am fine. Swollen. But fine "
He chuckled again. Kissed me and got up to leave.
" Okay well enjoy your nap"
I slept like the DEAD!
When I woke up, I was in the most Jello- Zen like state. It was wonderful. Some may call it Super Submissive. I wouldn't in this case. I felt like you do after you have a really hard work out. Where oxygen is pumping through your blood at an extremely fast pace, but your are not hyper nor exhausted. It felt like my skin was merely the casing for jello. It was wonderful. ( side not my blood pressure had severely dropped that day).
I knew that spanking has helped me in the past. After Christmas, when I wrote about handing Barney a ping pong paddle because I couldn't seem to get my emotions under control after the school shooting in Connecticut, I was able to face and deal with those emotions. It does help me reconnect to Barney as well. But this. This was different.
While I didn't cry, and I only 'hitched' something was different in me.
As you are well aware, I speak in pictures. This is what a reset does to me. I see myself as a fuzzy old television set when I require a reset, (or at least from the situation that had developed over the past month). Sometimes I am the t.v. set in Poltergeist the horror movie, but mostly I am just having bad 'reception' within. I can't put my finger on it, but my emotions won't focus to give me a clear picture
Okay ... insert reset spanking. Usually there is very little talking...and voila...
What followed in the days after my Jello-Zen-like state was very interesting. Barney first off, started moving in an hoh direction. I chose lower case letters not out of disrespect, but to reflect that this movement was small, but VERY steady. He started first by asking me what my plans for the day were, and I would tell him...and he'd say,"Okay, I'll hold you to it." Now did I think there would be consequences if I didn't? Not in the physical sense. But I knew there would be in our ttwd dynamic sense. I completed everything I said I would because I didn't want to loose the place we were at. Soon 'requests' came in. Things to do. Like 'get outside today, and go for a walk" Gah, what a tyrant ! It is sunny and warm out there!!! Sheesh. Our dynamic was and is changing and growing. At a slow pace, but it feels so secure.
Barney and I are still maintaining our playful lifestyle. One day I said that I would have all his dress shirts ironed for him. Well life managed to get in the way, and he ended up having to iron a shirt for work. He wasn't angry. He merely bent down to kiss me good-bye, said " Oh I left the iron out for you" gave me a devilish smile, winked and walked out the door. I can't remember the last time he winked at me. I was up ironing until almost midnight that day! Something within both us is changing. ( I have another post about an ugly self discovery that perhaps I will write soon)
One thing that immediately changed was my need for Barney's hand again. No I didn't think we would achieve the Jello-Zen Like state again and again. And I hadn't lost that state completely, but there was a need. I was spanked again 2 days later. At the time we both believed it was because I had gone on so long ( a month ) that possibly I needed more 'work' at bringing the walls down.
TMI alert......the following day we had the most amazing 'adult' time. Like amazing. Was it due to the spankings? Not sure. That may have opened me up more to communicate to Barney, during our adult play date. I was quite vocal about 'things'. He was more that willing to accommodate . We were both better off because of it. Instead of feeling ashamed for 'asking/telling' his reactions made me feel desirable. It was truly something. After though. Right after I asked him for a spanking. He was confused, but obliged. It wasn't a sexual thing. He did comment on how odd it was spanking me for being 'so good'...lol . Later in the day, I went to him and he held me in his arms. Matter of factly I said,
" I think I know why I asked you for a spanking after today"
" Oh, okay why? "
" Because I felt I was in control of everything this morning. Telling you what I liked essentially "
I could feel his chuckle through his chest.
" You know, telling me what you like is communication. Not control. I want you to tell me things like that. But I understand how it could be confusing for you emotionally. That you might feel less submissive. If the spanking helped you that is good. I want you to know, that I didn't see it like that"
We went about our daily lives again. Sex the next day was nothing in comparison. But I understand that. That same day, I had an issue with Heir to the Throne. He pulled a disappearing act. I went on to his Face book and found out things I could have lived without knowing. Anyway it had me 'amped' up internally. Barney was at work. I was solo. I suppose things in me went to automated pilot mode.
After the situation was rectified. Barney said to me the next day
"I feel you are starting to pull away again" ( this was a first, that he said something so soon). He was off work the day after and he continued,
" We'll deal with that tomorrow"
" Deal with it how exactly? " You see I know what that means in my mind, but I needed to hear him say it.
" A spanking. Tomorrow you will receive a spanking. Okay?"
Tears started to roll down my cheeks. He came to where I was sitting and crouched down in front of me as I was looking at the floor again.
" Hey. Hey? What's wrong?"
I shrugged my shoulders. I knew what was wrong but I didn't communicate it.
" Is tomorrow too late? Do you need a spanking now? We can do that you know. I don't have much time, but we can go now if that is what you need"
I shook my head up and down. With that he took my hand and led me upstairs to our room. No messing around this time with the little wooden spoon. Right to the bath brush after his warm up.
" I really do have to go to work very soon, so we can't have a marathon spanking like normal. I'm sorry. I hope this will help"
After about 10 minutes he stopped. I climbed into his lap.
" Okay tell me what is going on in that head of yours"
My first answer was
" I don't know." which really wasn't truthful. As I had been doing since my Jello-Zen like spanking, I gave myself a mental pep talk~ Tell him Willie. Let him know what you think is going on..even if you are unsure. I found my voice
" I guess. I guess, I am needing to be spanked a lot. I don't know why. I think it is because I am really afraid. We have never really hit a 'stride' with ttwd and we are now in a position of building up to one. I am so afraid that we are going to fall. I feel like we are at a new height. A plateau, and if we fall it won't be to the bottom, but I'm still afraid the drop with be devastating. I need to feel that you are here with me"
" Okay. I can understand that I think. If this is what you need from me to see that I am here with you, then I can certainly do that. I have NO problem with that."
" Gee thanks. The speed at which your willingness to spank me arrived is soooooooo comforting"
( small smack to my bum)
" But don't start looking for ways that we are failing. That is not good."
" Oh I'm not. Honestly I'm not. I was just trying to figure out why I have been needing you to spank me so much lately. I mean I don't actually 'feel' like I am distancing. I don't really know...You know?"
" Well I suppose it is all about trust again. I understand why you could feel that I wasn't going to follow through. But I am going to try. I know you have been working so hard at communicating with me. I like that. I will try my best for us too. Now tonight you are going to need more cream on, ( Arnica gel. I had been saying that I don't need it. Although I have been swollen, there hasn't been any bruising). I will do that when I get home from work. So that means if you are asleep in bed, I want you to be dressed accordingly so I can do that"
( say what? 'dressed accordingly? " who is this guy ?)
" Alrighty then...I mean yes sir!" ( smack ) " Hey!"
" Hey nothing" chuckle.
The difference in us is communication. We have communicated since starting ttwd, but just like that stinky onion that we keep peeling layers back from, we have reached a new level of communication. I have discovered another layer of vulnerability in communication. In all honesty, over half the time I feel like I have swallowed cotton balls when I try to tell Barney something now.
Why? Because this level of communication is more about how I am feeling. Not, 'when you to this, I feel this' kind of communication. Communication where I allow him a glimpse deeper inside me. What makes this scary is I am allowing him to join me in my self discovery, WHILE I am figuring it out. I am not figuring it out myself and then presenting him with my discoveries. Initially I started doing it without realizing it-but soon I could see how it was affecting him too. He wants and needs this from me.
I still have to give myself pep talks to do it. Those mental pep talks are dying down too. It still isn't second nature all the time, but it is getting easier.
We had an altercation, if you will this week. There was a breakdown in communication. A misunderstanding that lead to it. It started with an issue I believed could have been handled differently with our son. I had told Barney that what he did, essentially made me feel like I was on my own again with 'this'. It had me building my walls again. But we didn't stop until things were resolved. This time my mantra to continue became this...
" Make it a Moment not a Mountain"
I now realize, that I have to communicate as soon as I am able to stop things from turning into a mountain of a problem. Similar to the old saying, 'making a mountain out of a mole hill", with the exception that you stop and communicate so a mole hill shouldn't pop up either. Or as I was saying to someone else, take the time to stop and take that pebble out of your shoe before it rubs and forms a blister. BUT that is not as catchy of a saying!
Often I hear women say that a switch is turned on in their husbands. All of a sudden, they 'get' it.
But this thing being This Thing We Do...We are not like that. We were in the dark. Trying to look at the landscape around us. Our sky had the odd meteor shower. There were always stars. The view was beautiful ~ our night sky, but we both knew we wanted more.
Instead of a switch being turned on, our adventure to our HoH seems to be more like dawn. A sunrise. Things that we could barely make out in the night, even though others pointed them out to us, are coming into focus. We are seeing more of the landscape. Although there is still a great deal of shadows, and fog,we are patiently waiting for the completion of the sunrise. We are not expecting clear skies. This just means we will be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun after it peeks out from behind a cloud that much more. However, that is " hours" away. For now we shall sip our coffee and enjoy the colours exposed in the sky as our sun rises- together.