Sunday, April 14, 2013

Drum Roll Please....The Conclusion ( for this adventure )

And now that part you are all waiting for, where we gleefully ride off into the sunset.   Well he can ride, I shall choose the Monty Python style of horse back riding ( bum's too sore)

But I am getting ahead of myself here.  As indicated at the end of my last post, things seemed a bit better after my nightmare, and the next night.  In the daylight, we seemed 'softer' with each other.  He started taking my hand again when we walked.  I would snuggle up to him in bed as soon as he got in.  Bit by bit we were finding each other.  But somehow things felt different this time.  I can't put my finger on it now, ( should have written this post while it was happening) but I suppose it doesn't matter.
A few days after my nightmare, Barney addressed me about an r/a.  Which to us now means one of two things, reconnection appointment or reset appointment.  At this point a month had passed since I was last over his lap.  There was some confusion and miscommunication that had him hesitant to spank earlier in the week.  Once that was resolved he informed me that the next day when the kids were at school we would reconnect.  I was cautiously optimistic.  Not because I wanted the spanking, but because I needed the spanking.
I wanted to talk about that just for a moment.  I have heard a few murmurs about how Dd and spanking might actually stop women from coping with things/issues on their own.  Waiting for their husbands to step in and reset them isn't helpful because ( let me borrow a term from child rearing ) we can't self sooth.  While I obviously can't speak for others, I can tell you about myself.  All my life I have self soothed and sometimes it is great.  For the most part my methods of 'coping' were not methods of coping at all.  I had perfected the art of 'stuffing' down.  Avoiding.  Pretending nothing was wrong.  Ttwd has forced me, bit by bit to cope.  To face the emotions no matter how difficult ( well I am a work in progress at the very least).  Spanking for a reset has actually brought down some walls, and given me strength to 'cope'.  I'm not sure if you haven't experienced this, the above paragraph makes any sense whatsoever.
Alright on to the spanking.  Feels a little weird describing it, but I think it might be important to understand the bigger picture.  Barney took his position, propped up against the headboard and waited for me.
 W-" I'm nervous"
"Me too"
" I'm nervous because it has been so long.  What if it doesn't 'work' ? "  At this point I was at the end of our bed , several feet away.
" I know, I am nervous about that too.  We'll get through"
So over I went.  He started with his hand as a warm up, and then took out the wooden spoon.  After a long while.  He asked me how I was doing.
" I'm fine'
" This is not 'working' for you is it ? "
" Well it is stingy but, I don't know- I feel I need............... more"
At that he got up for a moment and came back with the bath brush.  He alternated with things so I didn't get too numb and zone out.  He talked a little bit.  Nothing too memorable.  After about 25 minutes he pulled me up into his arms, stroking my leg.  I tried to melt into him.  He spoke for literally a minute.
" You are not done are you? "
I shook my head that was tucked under his chin.
"Okay" he said. " Back over you go"
  He started to talk to me more as he 'wailed' away.
"Boy, are you ever far gone"
" I know.  I told you that last week"
" Yes you did.  And I'm sorry"
This is where things got a little different with his chatting.
" I want you to let go.  You need to let go.  It is okay now.  I am in charge here now"
With that last statement, my breath hitched. Tears came into my eyes.  The tears in the eyes thing has only ever happened once, out of guilt during my one punishment spanking ( further proof of my angelic state-- --hush those of you who are behind the scenes! )
But I had never had my breath hitch.  Like the dam was about to burst.  I let those few words he said in such a soft caressing way, echo in my mind for a while.  I am in charge here now.  I am not sure if he had said that a while ago whether or not it would have had the same affect on me as it did that day.  but...
He continued...followed up with.  " You need to let go of the anger"
Say what?  Anger...?  What the flip is that all about ..oh angry huh?  ( Go ahead shake your head.  Ready the pitchforks.  Light the torches...btw I already have heard from a couple of women they have done the same thing, in similar situations, so there! lol).  He stopped for a second time, but didn't pull me into his arms this time.  I sat on my heals on the bed.
" Alright, back over you go.  Your still not done are you?"
Back over I went.  The dam wasn't going to break he had decided.  He half sighed, and chuckled at the same time. 
" Okay.  That is enough.   It has been 35 minutes.  We have to 'save' some of you for the rest of the week.  It is only Wednesday."
I smiled and lay on him for a while.  We then went about our daily business.  I sat at the computer to do something.  It was there, about an hour later, that my bum started to , 'thaw?".  HOLY SMOKES  ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I had looked right after our r/a and my back end DID have a sub profile all its own.  But man alive!  I went to stand up...Good grief, I thought sitting was supposed to be the issue?!!  My sweet chat buddy suggested frozen peas ( while I agree that those little green balls of mushy poison should only serve the purpose of being on a swollen bum, I didn't have any) I took and ice pack and headed to my room ( side note for those who are up in arms...I was the one who asked Barney twice to continue).  I fell asleep on my tummy , ice pack on my bum.  Barney came in and crouched down by my side to look me in the eye.  I might add he did chuckle when he came in our room (
" Ice huh?  Are you okay ?"
" Yes, I am fine.  Swollen. But fine "
He chuckled again.  Kissed me and got up to leave.
" Okay well enjoy your nap"
I slept like the DEAD!
When I woke up, I was in the most Jello- Zen like state.  It was wonderful.  Some may call it Super Submissive.  I wouldn't in this case.  I felt like you do after you have a really hard work out.  Where oxygen is pumping through your blood at an extremely fast pace, but your are not hyper nor exhausted.  It felt like my skin was merely the casing for jello.  It was wonderful.  ( side not my blood pressure had severely  dropped that day).
I knew that spanking has helped me in the past.  After Christmas, when I wrote about handing Barney a ping pong paddle because I couldn't seem to get my emotions under control after the school shooting in Connecticut, I was able to face and deal with those emotions.  It does help me reconnect to Barney as well.  But this.  This was different. 
While I didn't cry, and I only 'hitched'  something was different in me. 
As you are well aware, I speak in pictures.  This is what a reset does to me.  I see myself as a fuzzy old television set when I require a reset, (or at least from the situation that had developed over the past month).  Sometimes I am the t.v. set in Poltergeist the horror movie, but mostly I am just having bad 'reception' within.  I can't put my finger on it, but my emotions won't focus to give me a clear picture
Okay ... insert reset spanking.  Usually there is very little talking...and voila...
Clear picture!

 What followed in the days after my Jello-Zen-like state was very interesting.  Barney first off, started moving in an hoh direction. I chose lower case letters not out of disrespect, but to reflect that this movement was small, but VERY steady.  He started first by asking me what my plans for the day were, and I would tell him...and he'd say,"Okay, I'll hold you to it."  Now did I think there would be consequences if I didn't?  Not in the physical sense.  But I knew there would be in our ttwd dynamic sense.  I completed everything I said I would because I didn't want to loose the place we were at.  Soon 'requests' came in.  Things to do.  Like 'get outside today, and go for a walk"  Gah, what a tyrant !  It is sunny and warm out there!!! Sheesh.   Our dynamic was and is changing and growing.  At a slow pace, but it feels so secure.
Barney and I are still maintaining our playful lifestyle.  One day I said that I would have all his dress shirts ironed for him.  Well life managed to get in the way, and he ended up having to iron a shirt for work.  He wasn't angry.  He merely bent down to kiss me good-bye, said " Oh I left the iron out for you" gave me a devilish smile, winked and walked out the door.  I can't remember the last time he winked at me.  I was up ironing until almost midnight that day!   Something within both us is changing.  ( I have another post about an ugly self discovery that perhaps I will write soon)
One thing that immediately changed was my need for Barney's hand again.  No I didn't think we would achieve the Jello-Zen Like state again and again.  And I hadn't lost that state completely, but there was a need.  I was spanked again 2 days later.  At the time we both believed it was because I had gone on so long ( a month ) that possibly I needed more 'work' at bringing the walls down.
TMI alert......the following day  we had the most amazing 'adult' time.  Like amazing.  Was it due to the spankings?  Not sure.  That may have opened me up more to communicate to Barney, during our adult play date.  I was quite vocal about 'things'.  He was more that willing to accommodate .  We were both better off because of it.  Instead of feeling ashamed for 'asking/telling' his reactions made me feel desirable.  It was truly something.  After though.  Right after I asked him for a spanking.  He was confused, but obliged.  It wasn't a sexual thing.  He did comment on how odd it was spanking me for being 'so good' . Later in the day, I went to him and he held me in his arms.  Matter of factly I said,
" I think I know why I asked you for a spanking after today"
" Oh, okay why? "
" Because I felt I was in control of everything this morning.  Telling you what I liked essentially "
I could feel his chuckle through his chest.
" You know, telling me what you like is communication.  Not control.  I want you to tell me things like that.  But I understand how it could be confusing for you emotionally.  That you might feel less submissive.  If the spanking helped you that is good.  I want you to know, that I didn't see it like that"
We went about our daily lives again.  Sex the next day was nothing in comparison.  But I understand that.  That same day, I had an issue with Heir to the Throne.  He pulled a disappearing act.  I went on to his Face book and found out things I could have lived without knowing.  Anyway it had me 'amped' up internally.  Barney was at work.  I was solo.  I suppose things in me went to automated pilot mode. 
After the situation was rectified.  Barney said to me the next day
  "I feel you are starting to pull away again" ( this was a first, that he said something so soon).  He was off work the day after and he continued,
 " We'll deal with that tomorrow"
" Deal with it how exactly? " You see I know what that means in my mind, but I needed to hear him say it.
" A spanking.  Tomorrow you will receive a spanking.  Okay?"
Tears started to roll down my cheeks.  He came to where I was sitting and crouched down in front of me as I was looking at the floor again.
" Hey.  Hey? What's wrong?"
I shrugged my shoulders.  I knew what was wrong but I didn't communicate it.
" Is tomorrow too late?  Do you need a spanking now?  We can do that you know.  I don't have much time, but we can go now if that  is what you need"
I shook my head up and down. With that he took my hand and led me upstairs to our room.  No messing around this time with the little wooden spoon.  Right to the bath brush after his warm up.
" I really do have to go to work very soon, so we can't have a marathon spanking like normal.  I'm sorry.  I hope this will help"
After about 10 minutes he stopped.  I climbed into his lap.
" Okay tell me what is going on in that head of yours"
My first answer was
" I don't know."  which really wasn't truthful.  As I had been doing since my Jello-Zen like spanking, I gave myself a mental pep talk~ Tell him Willie. Let him know what you think is going on..even if you are unsure.  I found my voice
 " I guess.  I guess, I am needing to be spanked a lot.  I don't know why.  I think it is because I am really afraid.  We have never really hit a 'stride' with ttwd and we are now in a position of building up to one.  I am so afraid that we are going to fall.  I feel like we are at a new height.  A plateau, and if we fall it won't be to the bottom, but I'm still afraid the drop with be devastating.  I need to feel that you are here with me"
" Okay.  I can understand that I think.  If this is what you need from me to see that I am here with you, then I can certainly do that.  I have NO problem with that."
" Gee thanks.  The speed at which your willingness to spank me arrived is soooooooo comforting"
( small smack to my bum)
" But don't start looking for ways that we are failing.  That is not good."
" Oh I'm not.  Honestly I'm not. I was just trying to figure out why I have been needing you to spank me so much lately.  I mean I don't actually 'feel' like I am distancing.  I don't really know...You know?"
" Well I suppose it is all about trust again.  I understand why you could feel that I wasn't going to follow through.  But I am going to try.  I know you have been working so hard at communicating with me.  I like that.  I will try my best for us too.  Now tonight you are going to need more cream on, ( Arnica gel.  I had been saying that I don't need it.  Although I have been swollen, there hasn't been any bruising). I will do that when I get home from work.  So that means if you are asleep in bed, I want you to be dressed accordingly so I can do that"
( say what?  'dressed accordingly? " who is this guy ?)
" Alrighty then...I mean yes sir!" ( smack ) " Hey!"
" Hey nothing" chuckle.
The difference in us is communication.  We have communicated since starting ttwd, but just like that stinky onion that we keep peeling layers back from, we have reached a new level of communication. I have discovered another layer of vulnerability in communication.  In all honesty, over half the time I feel like I have swallowed cotton balls when I try to tell Barney something now.
 Why?  Because this level of communication is more about how I am feeling.  Not, 'when you to this, I feel this' kind of communication.  Communication where I allow him a glimpse deeper inside me.  What makes this scary is I am allowing him to join me in my self discovery, WHILE I am figuring it out.  I am not figuring it out myself and then presenting him with my discoveries.  Initially I started doing it without realizing it-but soon I could see how it was affecting him too.  He wants and needs this from me.
I still have to give myself pep talks to do it.  Those mental pep talks are dying down too.  It still isn't second nature all the time, but it is  getting easier.
We had an altercation, if you will this week.  There was a breakdown in communication.  A misunderstanding that lead to it.  It started with an issue I believed could have been handled differently with our son.  I had told Barney that what he did, essentially made me feel like I was on my own again with 'this'.  It had me building my walls again.  But we didn't stop until things were resolved.  This time my mantra to continue became this...
" Make it a Moment not a Mountain"
I now realize, that I have to communicate as soon as I am able to stop things from turning into a mountain of a problem.  Similar to the old saying, 'making a mountain out of a mole hill", with the exception that you stop and communicate so a mole hill shouldn't pop up either.  Or as I was saying to someone else, take the time to stop and take that pebble out of your shoe before it rubs and forms a blister.  BUT that is not as catchy of a saying!
Often I hear women say that a switch is turned on in their husbands.  All of a sudden, they 'get' it.
But this thing being This Thing We Do...We are not like that.  We were in the dark. Trying to look at the landscape around us. Our sky  had the odd meteor shower.  There were always stars.  The view was beautiful ~ our night sky, but we both knew we wanted more. 
 Instead of a switch being turned on,  our adventure to our HoH seems to be  more like dawn.  A sunrise.  Things that we could barely make out in the night, even though others pointed them out to us, are coming into focus.  We are seeing more of the landscape.  Although there is still a great deal of shadows, and fog,we are patiently waiting for the completion of the sunrise.  We are not expecting clear skies.  This just means we will be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun after it peeks out from behind a cloud that much more.  However, that is " hours" away.   For now we shall sip our coffee and enjoy the colours exposed in the sky as our sun rises- together.




  1. Willie you have made me cry!

    I am so happy for you both! It has been a long time coming, and frankly you exhausted me time and time again.

    We all find this in our own ways don't we? For you it seems like it has been a forty round match in a boxing ring, and when the match stopped, you both ended up winners! Good on you Barney!!! as they say in the UK.

    I am delighted - and doing my happy dance!

    Many hugs


    1. Gee Ami I am sorry I have exhausted you. lol


  2. Willie, what a sweet post. Thank you for sharing it. I'm not at this place yet, the place where I tell my professor I need some attention. You're a brave woman and I admire your tenacity to step up--despite your poor bottom. :)


    1. Well I'm not sure I am either brave or tenacious, but I am stubborn!

      Thanks for the compliments!


  3. Barney and Hubby sure are 2 peas in a pod! There actions and reactions are so very alike, it's kinda scary. I can see how you and I struggle with the same problems. Is it possible we're long lost sisters?
    All kidding aside, I am glad you've been able to open up and ask for what you need. It's a hard step, but for those of us with an hoh, it's a necessary one.

    1. Oh yes, what I told you way back in October still seems to ring true now. Well if we are long lost sisters it should make for good tv ! "Long lost sisters and there hesitant husbands who spank them, next on Jerry." lol

  4. This all sounds like a great report! so glad you two are on your way together.
    You know, the light switch reference isn't really like a sudden thing for everyone, at least not for us at the beginning either.

    I did call it that now a days, but I think by calling it "that light switch moment", it's because it's a bit of a turning point where things shift on their axis, and like your "dawn" it's just the start of something we hope to have set in place - pretty much the same thing, just described differently.
    Now -
    You two enjoy your morning light!

    Just be aware.. that dawn will uh hummm.. RISE
    and it won't be the only thing glowing!

    1. I don't know Emi, in some cases the men just seem to click and take off running. That is what I was referring to. Now it doesn't mean that they don't use the dimmer switch option later on! lol


  5. Hi there Willie,

    I am so very glad to hear that you and Barney are in this very much better place! :). As I read your post the first thing that popped into my mind was a simple sentence that a psychologist once told me was the number one important thing for me to get out of his marriage counseling sessions: "Tell him what you need!" This was a difficult thing to do at first, but with practice has become mostly easy, and fits right into ttwd (done respectfully). He was right! It is now, along with "lean on him", and a couple other key phrases, a mantra for me in many ways. You are working on this, and now doing it with some very positive results from Barney! I'm really proud of you and happy for you both! Your post made me all teary this morning!

    I have one aside question- you talked about a numb feeling during your long spanking. When Rob gave me my first long spanking last week, I experienced that feeling and did not remember having heard anyone talk about that in blog land. So I guess that is normal? Just wondered...

    All from me- I am glad to hear that things are moving along for you Willie! Barney loves you- it is clearly evident. We ask an awful lot of them, and so I think that it takes time for them to feel confident to move forward. They are all on their own time table, and bring their own past experiences to the table. They have to process in their own ways. I have to remind myself that and practice patience. Not easy but helps with the journey I think! I am very happy for you! You might want to add frozen peas to your shopping list! looks like you are going to need them!!! :). Hugs!

    <3 Katie

    1. The numb feeling is normal for me. I can't speak for others. Barney changes up implements so that I don't become too numb, but it still happens. At the end of a 'marathon' spanking at least with the bath brush, I don't actually feel much, until 'the thaw'

  6. Yay! It isn't how fast we get there but that we cross the finish line. I like the symbolism of "dawn" other than every HoH having a switch ( the kind that kicks in not the long woody thing). I hope you and Barney have a great week. Lucy

    1. Welcome welcome :)

      Yes well it certainly has been a slow sunrise. I have participated in Relay for Life ( where you walk all night for the Cancer Society) and the dawn was never more welcome than in this case! I am hoping we can stay here. That is my new panic..LOL

  7. Willie, Yea! What a wonderful resolution, thanks for sharing everything. Sorry about the ocean metaphor last time, I was kind of thinking of your being frightened "in the ocean" vs "on the ocean". So for sure, go sail into the sunset on a beautiful lake of your hearts desire, or take a train to paradise together because it appears ya'll are definitely headed in the right direction!

    Many blessings to you both.


    1. No need to apologize George. But yes, all things ocean, including creatures at Sea World!

      Thank so much again for your kind words and continual support.


    2. P.S. when are you going to start blogging? I tried to email you the other day, but my computer wouldn't link to your email. grrrr

  8. First, I love the new look. It is so pretty. One day you will have to tell me how you got it to format correctly!

    Second, This post makes me so happy to read. I'm so glad to see you and Barney figuring it out together. From the sound of things you two are connected and for the moment on the same page. That is wonderful to hear. I hope you can keep up the communication and stay in this happy place for a long time.

    Trust is a hard thing, especially when you feel like you have been let down before. I have had more than a few "moments" and often the reason they escalated to mountains was as much my doing as anyone else. Keep chanting your mantra. It's a great one. In fact, I may have to "borrow" it.

    It sounds a little cliche, but I'm proud of both of you. If you have one of those "moments," and you need to talk you know where to find me.

    Love and hugs to you both,

    1. Well first off Thank you! I love my new little bloggy background too! and we have already covered how you can do it.

      I love the 'at the moment' we are on the same page. Soooo true.. Hopefully as time goes on those moments are the kind that last longer!

      Sure use my mantra all you want ( like you were really asking!). I am presently chanting it myself! lol

      Thanks for the offer!

      love willie

  9. This is so beautifully written, Willie. I am very moved by what I have read here. This journey has not been easy for either of you....and I have appreciated your honesty about that. There has been a lot of pain and self discovery, but wow, Willie it was worth it.
    I don't know if you remember one time we were talking and I remarked that some men don't want the instructions to things, they want to take it all apart and put it together themselves, intrinsically. I think, perhaps you are like that - you and maybe Barney are absolutely that way - this has to be your own way - and you will know every individual piece and what it does when you have this thing created. Some of us are just content to accept the fact that the gears are turning, but you need to assemble it yourself.
    I am so proud of where you are - thanks for sharing with us all.
    hugs and much love
    Mr. & Mrs. Rubble,

    1. Well lady, you are most likely correct. Heck I've never been 'normal' in any other aspect of my life, why should this be any different? LOL. I *know* that is not what you meant!

      I like the idea that I am different and how you explained it because often I could not figure out why people would leave comments of frustration with me on my posts. I knew I was trying, and trying to the best of my ability yet we didn't seem to be covering any ground. I am still unsure as to what this all means where we are concerned, but I suppose we'll figure it out when or if we need to.

      Once again, without your handholding throughout this process, I think our machine would still be in pieces on the ground :)

      much love back at ya, willie

  10. This is the cutest blog on the block! ;)

    These last posts were very enlightening. They pointed out to me how long and different this process is for everyone, yet similar at the same time. Some of our HoH's may be naturally dominant and seem to be quick to spank, but they may take longer to 'get' the emotional part of our needs. I still have not achieved the point of communicating my 'feelings' about the spankings or my 'feelings' if Brice says I am getting one then I don't. Ugh... it is a long road, these post just pointed out to me we really are many months behind you.

    1. Well it is a longer process for some that is for certain! Lucky us. Often I think Barney wishes I wouldn't 'communicate' so That last statement can or can not be applied to ttwd depending on the day.

      In all seriousness I have to reiterate what I have found to be true with me. When people started by saying talk to him, I did, but this is a newer level. This is more than telling him my needs ( btw I didn't KNOW there were more levels when I first started that is for sure). This is communicating *me* to him. For me it is much deeper. This was apparently what he needed from me. Not that he knew that either.

      I suppose all hoh or tih have their own keys to unlock their roles. Perhaps we should look at them as combination locks instead, because I have a feeling the 'combination' will change again in the future. Oh the joys! lol

      Fear not, you'll find your voice when you need to!
      love willie

  11. So I decided I might as well come back...but this will be the last time for a while ;). Glad to see you are communicating with Barney. Blah blah blah...we already discussed the rest so... Ttyl



    1. Hahahha! I had to respond to this right away because Barney found this comment " Quite Odd ", that was until I reminded him who P

      So to clarify for those NOT in the know, P and I are off blog friends and continually tease each other how we seem to no longer comment on each other's blogs because we actually talk to each other on the phone.

      She is just teasing and really isn't this much of a witch....most times...bwhahaaa!

  12. I am so happy you are working together to get what you both need. It may be hard but being vulnerable is actually more courageous. Take time and enjoy these moments.

  13. Hey Willie,

    I am so happy for you! Smiling like a cheshire cat.

    This is so beautifully written and there is so much I know I want to comment on in this post and I know I will forget half of it. I will 'chat' with you some more though.

    My heart has ached for you and I have been worried about you through all the hard stuff it took to get to this point.

    Good on you for opening to Barney and sharing your feelings. I'm proud of you for that. Allowing yourself to become vulnerable like that isn't easy, and it takes great strength, but you did it and the results as so worth it.

    Good on Barney. It sounds as though he was reading you well and gave you what you needed. It seems he is also mastering the art of lecturing too.

    It's wonderful that you are communicating on a deeper level. I love what you said about allowing Barney to join you in your journey of self discovery. That's what it's all about. You have both learnt and grown so much through all of this.

    I have to say, I giggled at the part about you falling asleep with ice on your bum and Barney coming in and asking if you were ok (sorry!). It was also very sweet. More seriously, good on both of you for persevering through the spanking.

    Keep opening up to Barney, letting him know your feelings/needs and keep up the communication. Trust that he has this.

    Love and Hugs,

    PS love the new look!

    1. Thanks Roz. For everything. I am sorry to cause you heartache though. Perhaps I should stop sharing so much in our 'chats'. LOL

      We are nothing if not determined. Although often I have thought we were more sadists putting ourselves through 'this' day after day for months on end.

      We are trying with the communication, but the struggles are still there. It is oh so tempting to retreat back into our shells. We still do it, but are getting better at the length of time we stay in there alone. After all Rome wasn't built in a day!

      Thanks for the Hugs, Love and unwavering support along the way!

      love willie

  14. I laughed.
    I cried.

    I'm just really tickled with you two and the ways you are each and both going deeper, losing some of the fear and communicating in those ways that actually reach each other's hearts.

    I like your sunrise metaphor because that really does fit you two well. I love that he told you to not go looking for the negative but to focus on where you are going right. Boy, I sure know how a day with ttwd can be up and down and up and down till you just want to crawl under a blanket. Staying as focused on the positive as possible is very wise.

    I think you just might have a wise guy on your hands! :) In fact, I know you do.

    Big hugs to both of you.


    1. You so set me up with the Wise Guy comment.

      So happy we tickled made you laugh and cry. I must tell Barney that for today at least he is in no fear of Shaken HoH syndrome brought on by you, :) ( MM doesn't read my blog right? You're safe?).

      Thank you for guiding me through this whole mess, my personal (heavily moisturized) Yoda!

      love, willie

  15. I am happy for you both.

    1. Thank you Tiffany. That is so kind of you to say.

  16. Wow....deep.

    Very beautiful post Willie. This is a really great place to be.

    It is amazing how a word, a phrase or a different touch can suddenly catch you off guard and really touch you. you think you can recall and post the exact recipe for the Zen-jello? It would be greatly appreciated! ; )

    1. You know Blue Bird, I should have guarded that recipe more closely. Silly of me to assume making it once commits the recipe to memory :(

      It is amazing how simple gestures speak volumes yes. And simple words amount to grand gestures in our hearts.

      thanks Blue bird!

  17. Such a nice post and really a series of posts. I'm so happy that you and Barney are reconnected. This all takes a tremendous amount of work but you seem to be reaping the benefits. So glad for you.

    1. Thank you on all accounts Zoe. The benefits are great. Scary, in their own way, but great nonetheless!

  18. Wow Willie! So much growth and so much hope here. I love it. That secure feeling is one of the very best things, I think.

    LOL 'thaw' is both an accurate and ironic description of what happens.

    Like you, spanking helps me cope, and doesn't hinder at all. As for the 'self soothing' the reality is, we can and do handle things on our own all the time, but when it's a situation where our man can step in and help in this way that works for us...why wouldn't he? Sharing a life with someone means relying on each other and being there for each other. I sure don't spank my husband (HA!) but I help him deal with things in ways that work for him and I know he counts on me for that.

    It was so wonderful to read about the ways Barney has been there for you...and the way you are opening up to him. How we help each other, meet each other's needs and make things better for each other and our family is what it's all about:)

    1. Wow Tess, you are absolutely right, well basically about everything:) Thank you for further explaining what spanking can do and why there is no weakness behind using this as a tool in our relationships beyond discipline.

      I love your last sentence! You should put that under your blog title!

  19. Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous post. Loved the writing and the pictures (Garden of the Gods?) and you're vulnerability in writing. A month, in this dynamic, IS a really long time. I'm not sure why it matters how often, but it does. And I don't know WHY sometimes we need it more then other times, but I do know that it isn't neccessarily a sign of doing something wrong or the relationship taking a bad turn or the submissive being bratty just to get attention...I think we just need the strength from them...and that comes in the form of a spanking - for the most part. :) The connection and the "melting" is so blissful that when we are in certain places emotionally or with life we just need that *bliss* a little bit more.

    1. Thank you Ashley. And I believe welcome? Please don't shoot me if I am incorrect on that....eeep

      Thank you for your understanding words. It did seem like a very long time. I was concerned, as was he if we had lost something in our r/a dynamic.
      I think you are bang on about the need for their strength, especially after not having it for a while. The weightlessness of the 'blissful' state could become very addictive. No matter what the cost to get there *wink*


  20. Wow, Willie, do you know how to tell a story. :) I am so glad that things are working together so well for you again. And maybe, with it being a gradual climb this time, it will stick better. I hope Barney will keep communicating with you, and that you keep communicating with him. I liked the idea of the onion, that you're peeling back layers as you learn to communicate more. I also loved how you siad you were telling him things about you as you were processing, not just at the end when you could give him the neat little package. There is so much bonding that happens when discovery is done together. :) {{{HUGS}}}

    1. Well sometimes Es May I'd rather be telling the story than living it. Yes, yes, I suppose I can enjoy it more because of the struggles I had to get 'here' wherever here is. LOL.

      We are still discovering let me tell ya! As much as I am enjoying it, I could use a little nap, you know? lol

  21. So well written, Wilma. And I'm so happy for you!

    1. Aww Kevan, thank you for both comments. Happy to have you stop by again!

  22. Willie I fully get what you are saying TTWD has forced me to open up and not push things down and carry on, but we are doing it. I love that Barney said you need to let go, I am in charge here. That is such a step in a great direction. I am cheering for you. Hugs

    1. HI Cathie

      I thought I had already forced myself to open up. Apparently I have more doors than Buckingham Palace! Oh well should just make this adventure all that more fun.
      As for pushing things down, it still happens but fortunately it gets caught in my throat now. Unfortunately it comes spewing back out again at a rapid speed. Still working on that one :)

  23. Willy, I understand. My husband likes the idea of ttwd, but not so much the punishing his wife. I think he really likes the wife follows all the rules and the only spanking done are the fun-loving kind. I think eventually it will happen more consistantly, but I don't think I have the energy to have the discussions that y'all have had. I am glad that you and Barney reconected and appear to be on the same page. You two are on my prayer list. May God bless you both with wisdom and understanding of each other, and that you both will feel the love and "cared for" feelings as you continue your journey. Love and Prayers, Belle L.

    1. Oh Belle that is so sweet of you to add us to your prayers. Thank you.

      The discussions do take a great deal of energy, especially when we seem to discuss some subjects until there is nothing left. Only to have the problem pop up again in the not so distant future. I am hoping that we are inching away more successfully from those issues now. ( fingers crossed )

      I pray for your sake you and your husband can find a way to create ttwd that is comfortable for both of you.


  24. So glad you are finding your way... :-) Hugs,Terps

  25. 35 mins..and you used yummy peas? looks like things are starting to pick long as you remain communicating :) You are giving That can only bring you both closer and closer. I loved the dawn references too. It made me think that is where we were at too. And, I think it is not always the Hoh that has the dimmer switch and suddenly gets it and turns the light on. I think as wives we hold the dimmer switch much more closely than the HoH, which makes it that much harder for them to be the Hoh :) Love ya Willie

  26. Oh Hez, are you implying that I am dim? Oh that is right we are the sunrise couple not the light switch no :)

    As for the 35 minutes, I'm hoping that was due to the fact that we had been away from each other for so long.

    love ya, willie

    PS..PEAS are NOT yummy.

  27. I just read all of your latest posts (for some reason my computer is a butt and i couldn't see them easily 'til now) and... wow. that's some good, hard, deep stuff. It made my tummy hurt and my eyes water and my lips trembles... but i think it's good stuff :)


    1. Sheeeeeeeeeesh, sorry to make you feel ill when reading this YL. Imagine living it? LOL

      hug, willie