Let me try to further explain. Lillie and I were discussing something, and I mention our conversation because she already has, and I told her," Oh that is wounded wife syndrome". In my case I shared something with Barney while we were away on vacation that I realized about myself. There is way more to it than I am sharing here, but suffice to say after sharing I got the 'look' for days on end. Not 'THAT' look. The look that I was broken. No, not that I was pathetic. The deer in the head lights sort of look, mixed with the I'm sorry you are in pain, mixed with what _the hell _ ( sorry but the word works best here) am I supposed to do now? look.
I want to state that while it had been about 3 weeks since we had a reconnection appointment, this was not about that. I wasn't looking, at the time, so I thought for help....but I was sharing something that was difficult. I felt like I was the one impeding our process and I figured out why. I later, much later after this post, (which I shared with a handful of lovely, wonderful, and helpful women ) realized how I became who I am described in the following post.
Right back to the Wounded Wife Syndrome. I finally have the courage to share this post with all of you. I think sharing will be helpful for those of you feel as I do, and through conversations I know I am not alone. That was a good reason to share right from the start, but it wasn't enough this time for me to do it. Now I think I need to share, for the act of sharing alone. Perhaps sharing with Barney and here are interchangeable for me. Stopping one stops the other. Not entirely sure.
I do believe I will have a series of posts in the next few days, discussing the aftermath of this post ( below). How Wounded Wife Syndrome affected us. How we are/have worked through it.
Please don't over analyse if you think you are the reason for the top paragraph of my original post. You aren't...LOL. It was an accumulation of many, many, MANY factors that had been added up for a long time, not one particular event or comment :)
So explanations and disclaimers complete. Here is the 'fake' post I wrote while I was away. We had just come off a few weeks of daily reconnection appointments ( spankings..lol), and I was starting to spin, because we seemed to be back to the way we were before ttwd. Travelling half way across the world ( or so it seemed), through several time zones didn't help. I
Here is the post.....( written weeks ago btw)
Writing this out in hopes that I can figure some things out. I have absolutely no intention of posting this. I know I have said that in the past and have actually been convinced otherwise. This is different. I still don't feel safe enough or perhaps that is the wrong word, strong enough to share. Ridiculous I know because I get far more support, far more, than criticism, and yet I just can't. I hope some day to be able to share again. Perhaps it is a case of just getting back on the horse, but I'm not willing to 'giver a go' just yet. Besides, technically I am on vacation.
Last night I lay in bed. Barney was reading beside me. This condo has electrical outlets that sporadically work, so the light on my side of the bed was not working. It would work if I unplugged the clock, but then I wouldn't know what time was good to talk to Susie at in the middle of the night....Actually even then I manage to screw up because I texted Betsy at 3 am her time..oddly enough she was awake. Anyway., he had his back turned to me so he could face the only 'working' light in the room.. I decided to read the last chapter in Sara's blog posts about her 3 spankings. I haven't been reading 'much' on vacation but hers comes in via email, so I thought what the heck? I mean there is no WAY I compare myself to her and Grant as they have a totally different life and have been at this so long. Only something happened. As I read about what she discovered about herself I started to cry. The tears started to flow, and even now as I type this they have started again.
Now I am no way saying I am like Sara, but something she said struck a cord in me. Not one particular thing. I suppose like most women there, I identified with clothes being armour, despite the fact that I don't leave for work. But you don't need a business suit for armour. Often I have visuals about being vulnerable and being naked. I have recently said in my " Hitting Rock Bottom " post, that I had the visual of being naked, in a fetal position in the bottom of a dried up well. I once said, that ttwd makes me feel like I am naked with only a small towel covering me. Actually at the time, I think the metaphor was WAY better than that, but you get the idea.
Then as always, when I am upset, a visual popped into my head. Ironically FREE has nothing to do with the reason this visual came to mind.
This is what lies within my torso, around my heart, and perhaps in place of my spine. Not a
wall, for a wall only 'protects' one side. I have a full fledged turret in there. Nothing is getting in on any side. Don't start on the fact that there is a little door there. NOTHING is getting in. Case in point-I lay there reading, visualizing, crying, my husband a mere inches from me, and I didn't turn to him.
Ttwd is all about communication. We all KNOW that. We KNOW that it will not flourish without it. Just like any other type of relationship, we need to communicate our needs and our desires. Often those topics do come up, in a watered down form. But letting him in? Being naked? Being vulnerable, the thing he needs from me. I seem to be unwilling to do.
I am more than aware that especially now, at this stage of ttwd, with the husband I have, that I have to give this to him so that he can feel comfortable, and gain strength in his position. So that he can see that I do need to be 'taken' care of. That I am not as hard on the inside as I am on the out. He knows this in his heart, we've talked about this before. But he needs to SEE it. Yet I am seemingly unwilling to even open that little door at the bottom of my turret, if even to just let some fresh air in. What further complicates things is that I KNOW this is what needs to be done.
Yes, I am hard headed and oh so very stubborn. I am not entirely sure if those words are accurate in this situation. Am I fearful? If I am I'm not sure about what. Surely letting him in can't be any worse that the feeling of shutting him out? But still here I am. Unmovable.
We are on vacation this week and the week before. It would be a lie for me to say that by mid vacation I had not thought about others who are six months into ttwd too. Go ahead and tell me not to compare. Tell me that others don't...and I will show you someone who is not truthful. I know that their blog posts are snapshots of their lives. I just had hoped that this vacation would bring us so much closer, without the pressures of home..and ttwd. I also hoped that we would be in a different spot with our RELATIONSHIP, not ttwd, by now. Perhaps in a different spot BECAUSE of ttwd. In truth, after reading Sara's post, I guess I was hoping I would be different. Not so hard inside. Not so ...well me. More open to touch, no that is not it, allowing the mind and heart to work together and not just desire and crave, my husbands touch, but reap the benefits of it. Let it encase me.
I was once told, and I am not sure if this is true, that dogs only use one of their senses at a time. Basically if a dog is barking at a person they don't recognize visually, they are not using their nose to help them further identify. So only one sensation can be processed at a time. This is often how I feel. I desire Barney's touch- his hand on the small of my back, taking my hand as we walk, even the ( somewhat innocent) stroking of my back end when he climbs into bed, yet I can't process anything else after that. I don't allow it to enter my pores. I don't allow it to move me, melt me, do what I actually WANT it to do. How can the poor man continue to pursue a woman he long thought he had captured ? It is as if I am like Rapunzel. This Rapunzal wants to her prince to come and save her too. She keeps letting down her hair to be rescued, but only lets down enough for the prince to have it brush his finger tips.
Am I at a spot where I think I can't do this? I don't believe so. I do WANT this. I have seen how ttwd has helped us in the past in some small way...or rather has helped me a bit with this issue. It is only that I don't quite now how to open that little door a bit. Or why I won't let my hair down a few more inches so my prince will use it to help 'save' me. Perhaps I don't think it is possible? Or I don't want to put that 'burden' on him? Perhaps I think I should be doing this on my own anyway? You know because everyone LOVES to go it alone! and I've been SO successful at that thus far! Here is something too, and another reason why I would never publicly share this post, a friend or two has said that it is because I have felt hurt at every turn of ttwd ( I'd add justified or not) and I can't trust that if I let my hair down, that he will actually 'use' it. After all that is a pretty tall order to ask of someone.
No matter what the reason, or how unfair all of this is: how difficult this must be for Barney, I don't know WHAT to do to strip off my armour. To move two inches to the right and ask for help. To let down my hair. To open the door. I know that small steps can turn into great strides eventually if you let them, but I feel like I am firmly rooted to the ground. Not just my feet but all of me-like the Banjan tree I have seen on my vacation. The roots have grown down from my limbs. Securing me once. Trapping me now.
So there you have it. I wrote this to share with some friends for advice, and to clear my head. I did share it with Barney. While I can't share their words with you, perhaps they will in the comments, I did share them with him.
All of this lead to Wounded Wife Syndrome. Let me make myself clear, I am by NO WAY saying that you should not share your fears with your husband because you are now afraid of Wounded Wife Syndrome. It is a must and WWS is an obstacle that must be overcome for both. I just wanted to give you some background to the next post....(which I actually haven't fully formulated in my mind yet, but the events have already happened)