This is the tale of Wilma the Terrible. This is going to be a difficult post to write, for a couple of reasons. The first one being that this happened about 2 weeks ago. The second being that you are going to think me 'quite the handful'. I am well aware that I am an adult of well middle age,(eeeek, what a horrid expression THAT is. At least I hope I am only middle age!) Should I have more control over my emotions ? Most likely. Here is the thing that I hope those of you who have never experienced this consider, for decades I have learned to 'control' my emotions. Ttwd is showing me that this really wasn't the answer either. That being said, there are ways to do it more respectfully with others, but for me THIS is my area of baby steps.
Okay then on with the show.....( disclaimer, sorry if this wasn't worth the 'wait' lol)
Back again to the Fiesty Fargone post. Barney knew, and he even said so in many jesting comments that I was distancing, and 'not feeling it' for lack of a better term. I suppose he had his reasons, ones he still hasn't shared with me, for his inaction. At first I believed it to be WWS, ( Wounded Wife Syndrome) but as time went on, I believe his reasons changed. Perhaps it was because of the fact that it has been so long? I am still unclear.
Regardless, a cold front move into Bedrock. You know the one, where you are polite. You still chat, but the feeling between you is not the same as it has been in the immediate past. It reverts back to the pre-ttwd phase of your relationship. Where the average observer would see nothing wrong- you know there is.
Yes that is ice
In the interest of giving it the old college try, I walked to the grocery store while Barney was at work to pick up the things we would need for an impromptu Cook Together Night. He was more than happy when he came home. The evening started off lovely, ( yes lovely?..good grief I am OLDER than middle age, before you know it I will be saying slacks ). I had a glass or two of Submission, and we were chatting about this and that. We cooked together ( Chicken Marsala if you are interested)and returned to the dining room. We were playful and joking. At one point while standing by his chair, I poked him.
"Did you just poke me? "
" Yup" ( evil grin )
" Okay. why ? "
" Just pokin' the bear " *giggle*
" Oh, okay, message received" ( chuckling)
Later Barney brought up our oldest son. We were discussing his school work. For those who don't know he has dyslexia, as do I. So Barney started to talk about Heir to the Throne's work ethic. To him, Heir to the Throne not succeeding in math, was a short walk to him having a horrible work ethic in the future ( or so I heard). I lost it. Like completely lost it.
Basically I went from this ( this is my intently listening to my husband face)
In a matter of minutes. Oh yes, and I also 'wrestled' the cutlery basket of our dishwasher for good measure too. Take THAT inanimate object!
Initially I tried to explain to him why the two were not related. Of course it is difficult to explain if you haven't had to live with a 'learning disability'. As most of you are well aware by now Barney is a very understanding individual. He tried to 'see' what I was saying, I wish now that I can say the same in return. I became frustrated and angry. I cleared the table of our long forgotten lovely dinner. I slammed things around the kitchen and beat up the dishwasher. When he tried to explain what he meant I shut him down. I went upstairs, and violently brushed my teeth. For some unknown reason I threw the blasted hanger on his side of the bed. I had snapped! I couldn't control the rage I had inside.
I know now that this argument really probably didn't have anything to do with our son. I do have a difficult time with him and his schooling since starting ttwd. It is as if all those insecure emotions I had as a teen 'hiding' that I was different ( and at the time I didn't know why ) come rushing out now every time he struggles. I felt judged for him with Barney's comments. The fact that Barney was worried about our son not having a good work ethic is most likely something that all fathers think of their sons at one point or another during their teen years. Did I think of that? Nope. I snapped at him
" I HAVE NEVER. EVER IN MY LIFE BEEN ACCUSED OF HAVING A POOR WORK ETHIC. LORD KNOWS I STRUGGLED IN MATH IN SCHOOL. "
So I grabbed a blanket off of our bed, and my pillow and headed to our couch in the living room. After a while Barney entered the room, and said,
" Wilma, I want you to come to bed."
<eye role in the dark. back turned to him> " Yeah well THAT is not going to happen"
He signed and left the room. Okay ALL was not lost. After less than 10 minutes I went upstairs to talk. Here is what I discovered when I entered our room.........
I left again. Ah but wait, you might recall my favourite 'dance' move..
He didn't even stir !!! Back to my 'new' bed I went. About an hour later he came back downstairs.
" Wilma please come to bed"
"why ???" I was hurt. He fell asleep. I was coming to talk. To communicate. To open up as I was bothered by my reaction. He was sooooooooo bothered he fell asleep.
" Because I am asking you too"
I went. No further words were exchanged that night. Our polite but roommate like state stayed for days on end. About 4 days later, on his way out the door he said,
" Tomorrow before I go to work. We are going to discuss things concerning ttwd. We are going to start this back on track again"
The next day I waited. All day I waited. About 40 minutes before his usual departure time, I heard him jump in the shower. sigh . Not going to happen again. I was so hurt. I could feel the tears choking my throat. My eyes were burning, but there was NO way I was going to allow them to fall. Contact lenses be damned. Float out of my eyes, I refuse to blink! No tear shall run down my cheek this time.
Twenty minutes before he left for work. TWENTY. Two Zero ! 20 mins!! He sat down to talk. excuse me? We have been down this road before, where I have expressed how hurtful this is to me. To wait until the last possible moment in the day to talk. That I was the last thing on his list. Not too mention now we have a time limit! Needless to say my mind was NOT in this discussion.
He said he wanted to discuss my post. The unable to communicate post if you please. Oh YES! Nothing says I am here for you to open up to like a timed conversation!!!
I couldn't say anything. I honestly couldn't. Did you ever notice how different your tears are shed from situation to situation? Some times they burn the outter corners of your eyes, and fall in a stream. The ones silently shed this day were the huge drops that come individually. I sat there and looked at my lap. I could not believe this was happening. I must say that throughout all of the week past, I never once thought we were not going to continue ttwd. For now we have very much put that issue to bed. I did wonder if we were ever going to 'get it right' - find a stride for a bit. But I no longer worry about if we are going to continue.
I honestly don't remember what Barney said to me as I sat on the couch anymore. I do remember that I started to express how could we possibly start what I thought was a serious and in depth conversation in less than 20 minutes. I then started talking about needing him to stop 'joking' about things. To follow through, or communicate why or why not. We volleyed around for a moment or two. And now for the all hell broke loose part....
" You aren't exactly approachable these days. I don't know how to lead you. You are too much for me! "
" You!" I stop to catch my breath as the tears picked up. " You wanted to talk about my inability to open up???. and then you deliever a 'gem' such as that? I was trying to open up. Starting to tell you how I feel when you do these things and with comments like that last one you found a way to SLAM the F***ing door shut again!!" ( again, Fbomb isn't normally part of my vocabulary. and certainly not directed to people)
" Yes good. I want you to open up to me. I don't care how right now. Yell at me if you have to . Just share with me"
Sweet right? Well the rest of our conversation wasn't as fruitful.
He mentioned that there are no guidelines or road map for ttwd. I had 'suggested' that perhaps he draw his own and we will follow it. That is why it is referred to as This Thing We Do. I also reminded him that a couple of HoH friends have offered an ear to him more than once. Anyway..
The phone interrupted us- something about Heir to the Throne. ( Anyone interested in a brilliant and equally brilliantly frustrating teenage boy?) He then turned our conversation to that subject matter. Thus ending our 20 minute discussion. Barney kissed me good-bye. I did not look up to kiss him in return. Before he left he pulled a Wilma, and did a Uturn.
" I will be making guidelines this week and we will, YOU will be following them. If you do not there will be consquences"
I didn't look up.
He left and I sat there.....angry? How dare he! Start a topic that clearly needs more than 20 minutes and then leave like HE is the injured party. Oh I don't think so!! Only there wasn't a darned thing I could do about it. I was alone. Wait. He wants communication. I'll give him communication. I started to write. Mostly to expel my body of venom. I often do this and then hit delete. On occasion I will send it to a friend. I suppose it has the same result as posting a post as opposed to just keeping it in your drafts folder. That day I sent my letter to a friend. She suggested I give it to Barney. I sent it to his email ( he doesn't check it at work). What did I say? Well the subject line was
" Here is the communication you So desire"
I am so incredibly angry with you right now. I can’t believe you did this to me AGAIN. You say something 24 hours ahead of time, ( and I know you are probably not going to follow through) and then you wait until 20 minutes before you have to walk out the door before you bring it up. THEN you have the nerve to get frustrated with me because I won’t open up. Well let me tell you something… AGAIN, when you pull that ‘crap,’ all day I wait and wonder when you are going to bring up our conversation…remember, I am not supposed to control anything. Sure I can bring stuff up I want to talk about, but this was ‘your’ baby.
Let’s back it up a bit shall we ? You were told about the difficulty of switching from daily maintenance to a sudden stop of nothing at all. We discussed the need for some type of submissive exercises on our vacation. I had no delusions that you were going to suddenly turn into ******, trust me. Instead nothing…from 3 very intimate weeks…to nothing at all. You underestimate the power of the physical part of ttwd. I understand you are a ‘wait and see’ kind of guy, but my understanding back when we started this is that you wanted to change too. Instead the things you pick up on are my issues and focus on how “ I’m too much for you “ Nice touch by the way.
So back home…. you started hinting before we left *****, that you were going to make me ‘sorry’ or you were keeping a tally of all my wrong doings…then when we get back home, you start with that again. Telling me that you are watching. Joking that things will be dealt with. Which is it Barney.? Is this a joke to you? Because it isn’t to me. You made a commitment and you say things all the time…LAST NIGHT as a matter of fact about ttwd, but you don’t. I have talked to you about this before…time and time again. ****has send you emails. ***** has left you comments. All the time you say you understand, and that their words really help it sink in for you. Yet you leave me hanging in the breeze again. Left to the end of the day…after everything else was taken care of…and then fight…quick exit.
Things WERE starting to work before we went away. But now I’m ‘too much’ for you to lead? Perhaps if you hadn’t stopped leading, then I wouldn’t have gotten so far away and became too much to begin with? You are right, technically you cannot force me to talk to you…but I am constantly communicating my needs to you. You would seriously have to be blind to not know when I need your ‘attention’ . I know you see it. You’ve told me. So why not ? You are doing neither one of us any favours by inaction and wait and see. WHAT you are doing is confirming that whatever my issues are, I must go it alone. Fix them myself. Because you do have the ability to break down some of my walls, and I have not only given you permission, but ASKED you to in the past as well. You saw for yourself what a difference it makes. So now when you don’t follow through- When you brush me off.- When you give ( basically ) give me a time limit to open up, you are telling me that my needs aren’t that great. That I should figure it out myself, and report back to you all happy and Mary Sunshine like. _IF_ I could do that on my own, do you not think I would?
Yes I am not approachable as of late. But don’t kid yourself, I didn’t get this way on my own.
Later that night. I wrote a second email ( after some of the venom was gone)
Basically I outlined things I thought I was doing for our ttwd relationship. I asked him to tell me what else he thought he was doing. Perhaps we both thought we were outwardly projecting our 'roles' but we were failing to do so in the others eyes.
I left him a note saying I sent him 2 emails...I never heard about either one.
Once again we returned to this state.
There seemed to be no end in sight. I mean what do I do with that? " You are too much for me". Once again it was my fault. I am ruining things? I can't soften up. But I asked for help. He has seen for himself how it has worked in the past. Since I shared with him on our vacation my fears of not being able to open up, he hasn't stepped into to 'help' me when I started to spin. Why? Then I started to spin further.
There was no discussion about guidelines or road maps. I didn't care about that. I just longed for my husband and for me not to feel so, hurt? lost? alone? out of control. During the day there are plenty of distractions. Plenty of things to focus on, and 'real' problems. But at night. At night there is nothing of the sort. There is merely the Great Divide in bed. Screaming at us that there is something wrong. Something broken. I couldn't find it in me to turn to him. He could pick that up, he didn't try.
Then something happened. I wish I could say I found it in me to try again. To fake it until I made it. To turn to him on my own. I really wish I could say that my husband turned into this guy over night too....
Barney lay beside me asleep. His position was not conducive to cuddling. I did it anyway. Almost automatically, he turned into a better position and kissed my hair. After a few minutes I was WAY too hot..lol.. So I rolled back over. He followed- essentially spooning me. He reached over my back and held my hand.
The next day, wasn't really that much different from the day before. I didn't tell him about my nightmare. We continued living in the same house, but not really together. He worked late that night, and I was fast asleep when he came home. This night however, he removed the Great Divide. He climbed into bed, checked my pj bottoms ( he never does that! ) and then snuggled in behind me. Later in the night my head found his chest. Nothing was ever spoken.
The following day things were different....
(I am not trying to make a cliff hanger, it is just that I want to give each 'episode' the attention it deserves, without having an extremely long post)