Thursday, May 2, 2013

I Need



  • I need to find my words
  • I need to turn to you
  • I need to know that you are there
  • I need to know you are strong
  • I need you to find me when I start to wander
  • I need you not to wait until it is too late, and then start the search




  • I need you to make me come to you
  • I need you to not to take no for an answer
  • I need you to tell and not ask
  • I need you to make me tell you what is wrong- to out stubborn me
  • I need you not to run when I choose to
  • I need for you to tell me, when I place myself over your lap to let go
  • I need you to tell me how you are in control not me
  • I need you to show me you are in control, not me
  • I need you to be 'strong' when I make myself vulnerable to you
  • I need you to act, not only react
  • I need to feel important ( I know I am)
  • I need, and so desire to feel safe, and at home in your arms
  • I need these things to keep the control monster at bay
  • I need these things because when I feel I am 'going it alone' I harden up
  • I need these things so I can allow myself to feel free to be me
  • I need these things because I struggle so often to let go, and these things seem to be the only way to allow me to do that
  • I need these things, and others may not, and for that I am sorry
  • I need these things because inside, buried behind those walls is someone who really wants to be all those things that you need
  • 

63 comments:

  1. Hi Wilma! I can't tell you how many times I've read your comments all over blogland and gotten a good laugh. You are one fun lady with a wicked sense of humor. I like that :)

    Love the list. I think you've covered all the bases. I struggle with my own control monster. Really, I should say WE struggle with it. I should probably print this out for my husband. Sort of an instruction manual for dealing with me. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Hi Queenie and welcome!!!

      Barney said he should print this out too! * wink *

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  2. Hi Willie, :)

    This is such a great post! You have figured out a lot of what you need from Barney, and here it is! You can't be any more clear than this. It looks like you have a fine list of talking points here, for your next sit down with Barney, as well. Good for you! :). Hugs!

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie

      Yes we did have a long discussion, over much wine, after he read this post.

      love, willie

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    2. Hi Willie!:)

      Is there any wine left over??? Give me a call and I'll be right over to help you polish it off!

      I'm happy for you!

      Love back at ya!

      Delete
    3. Good grief, that bottle was huge, and he just kept filling my glass that night! I um, become a little more verbal with a few glasses of wine in me ... .. yes verbal, we'll stick with that!

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  3. It's so hard to ask for the things we need isn't it. It is for me. Touching post.

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  4. Willie, this is an amazing list! I'm struck by how brave you are to put all of this into words. One huge step towards breaking down walls and making yourself vulnerable. I'm wondering how it feels for you, it must be kind of scary. On the flip side it must be nice to get the thoughts out of your head. Mine rattle around in my head until I can't piece them together anymore :( This will probably sound ridiculous coming from someone so inexperienced in all of this, but I'll say it anyway--I'm proud of these huge steps you're taking! Gives me a little bit of courage to see you fighting so hard for what you know you want and need.

    All my best thoughts to you, C

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    1. Awww thanks Clara!

      I don't really think it was brave of me. I actually had removed the comments section for this as I didn't think I could take being told I was asking too much. Or being too needy. HOWEVER my email box quickly filled up, so I allowed the comments back.

      I am fighting hard to keep trying this dynamic. Often it is with myself :)

      You can do it too my friend. It is rough somedays, and the difficult days seem plentiful at times, but we both know the good days are SO good.

      love, willie

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  5. I hear you. We all understand that need. I know the desperation behind it too. It's good to list it out. It's good to share. The more he knows what you need, the better he can meet those needs.
    (((hugs)))
    I'm here for you sweetie...

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    1. Thanks LM. Sharing and expressing aren't my strong suits, but I am trying :)

      hugs back
      willie

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Okay, I'll repeat what I said before...WOW...this was a great list. You said you did this in one sitting, I'm not sure how. This list will be helpful to many couples for years to come, with each perhaps tweaking a bit to meet their individual needs.

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    2. Thanks Betsy

      Like I told you, I just sat down and it came out. That is how most of my posts arrive. They scream in my head until I write them out. Then life is 'quiet' for a while.

      I never thought of this list helping others. That is kind of neat and daunting. I just wrote it for Barney.

      Delete
  7. Well good...now I can say it here! I am so damn proud of you! There is not a thing on this list that I can find that most of us don't need. You were struggling....but you dug deep, and found the courage to put it out here! You don't need patience, honey....you need Barney to read this and act.

    Love ya.....

    ~Lucy

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    1. Thank you my friend who is always in my corner. Covering my back, cheering me on, especially when I am poking YOUR bear! *wink*

      Yes life has been challenging, ( not a word about ME being challenging! ) and I knew I would have to 'find' my words in order for my husband to understand what was fully going on. He has promised to try harder to not shy away when I look like Tweety up there.

      As always, I love ya too!
      willie

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  8. Hi Willie, love the Tweety bird, I imagine it is so you! lol

    Wonderful, wonderful post! Again you have expressed your feelings so beautifully.

    I envision Wilma as a Matisse, with all its passion and color, trapped in a Monet world, with its subtle beauty. The passion of Matisse wanting to be let loose but afraid the Monet world will either disapprove or be shocked. Yet the list of needs is all you require to allow that passion deep in your soul to escape, and in so doing create a nexus overflowing with joy and fulfillment between you and Barney.

    I know my comment is a bit weird, but I am in a kind of weird mood today and it just kind of came out as I typed :-)

    I wish you both a blessed day,

    George



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    1. LOL. You know George my sister has always referred to me as a Tweety Bird. I asked Barney, when he said he needed to remember to come after me even if it seemed like I didn't want him to, if he needed me to print the Tweety picture off, his response,

      " Oh no, that bird is SO you. That picture is etched in my mind "

      As for Matisse, you are playing into my Art History background aren't you? LOL. I do love the colours of Matisse, although my favourite Matisse would be the Blue Nude II, and those only have 2 colours. I love the movement and simplicity of them! Please tell me you only are referring to the colours of Matisse, because some can be nauseating. Although , often I am as visually unfocused as a Monet. All in all C├ęzanne would be my favourite. Well his still life. That would be me. Calm and still...bwahahaha!

      I hope every day is blessed for you my friend!

      willie

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  9. I see you Willie! (Note the quote!) What a long list! Golly! Don't forget our HOHs are human too. I think I'll send you both a gin and tonic, with cucumber, because you'll both need it.

    Many hugs

    Ami

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    1. I have to admit Ami I was quite taken back by this comment. Who puts cucumber in their gin and tonic?

      hugs willie

      Delete
  10. Yaah! Another meme! Just kidding!

    This is great! Very honest and straight forward. I thought of writing up something like this myself this morning. : )

    I hope that after a certain someone reads it (hint, hint) they print it out, laminate it, and tape it to the back of the bathroom door.

    Love,
    Blue Bird

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    1. Bwahahahaa! The beginning of your comment had me snorting!

      Taping it to the back of the bathroom door is an excellent idea, because he's eyes aren't as good as they used to be. He could sit and read!

      Love, willie

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  11. I think it's great that you opened it up for public commenting. :) You already know most of what I had to say. :) But I just want to thank you again for being so brave to put those words out there. I really believe most, if not all of us, can say that every single one of those words has rang true in our hearts at one time or another. {{{HUGS}}} I was going to print it out for the Duke, but now I realize I need it more for me. Sometimes I just don't know the right words to say..., next time I'll just steal yours. And thank you for being so honest with us. I know it's not always easy.

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    1. Steal away my friend!

      And thank you for seeking me out when I hadn't let the comments go through. You kind words coupled with similar emails gave me the courage to allow the comments to go through. I should have trusted that my friends would be nothing but encouraging. You are right though, when you open yourself up, sometimes you are terrified to let other take a peek.

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  12. Beautiful! This is you poured out, Willie. I felt all of it. (((Hugs))) Thank you for sharing so much depth.

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    1. Thank you Jacquie. You are always so kind and encouraging with your comments!

      hugs, willie

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  13. Very touching. It is so hard to put those needs into words. I hope he can take these needs to heart, and that both of you continue to evolve your relationship into one that keeps on getting more wonderful everyday.
    Hugs,
    Marie

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  14. Great Wilma. It is hard to share our vulnerabilities isn't it? However when we do it frees us doesn't it?

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    1. It is very, difficult. Much more difficult than I would have imagined. In the 'first leg' of our adventure, the communication between us was more based on our expectations. This 'leg' of communication seems to be focused around our inner vulnerabilities , both his and mine.

      I know my mind has settled since sharing, and my heart no longer, for the moment anyway, feels like it has a vice around it.

      Thanks Minelle, for always being there :)

      love, willie

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  15. Willie - this sounds like what all we, TiH women really long for from our men. I love the list.
    Thanks for putting some of my own feelings into your lovely words.
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. I suppose I never really had given much thought that others shared similar feelings. I thought that posting this might garner some comments about being too demanding, but instead I received many thank yous and Me too(s)!

      Thank you Lillie, for your understanding :)
      Much love, willie

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  16. Hi Willie, has Barney seen your list? Just wondering maybe you ought to show it to him in small sections, don't scare him to death. Good luck, I hope your needs are answered.
    love Jan.xx

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    1. After Barney read the list, he stood up, came around the table to where I was sitting, bent down, kissed my lips, looked me in the eyes and said, "Thank you. This is exactly what I needed from you."

      Doesn't sound like a man scared to death to me :) . He also said he appreciated that it was written in 'man talk'. ... Bullet form. lol

      love, willie

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  17. Hey Willie, this is an awesome post. I love this list and don't think there is one of us who wouldn't relate to everything on here. Good on you for opening up and sharing this, I felt it too. Now, of course, you know what to do with the list .. show it to Barney :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz! Sheesh I miss you!

      I did show it to Barney. He was more than happy. We discussed several things about this post, and it also opened up a better discussion concerning my last post. It was scary but worth it!

      love, willie

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  18. I loved your list Willie and I agree with many others. It is what us TiH ladies want and need from our guys. I think Barney can handle the whole list...b/c it really focuses in on just a couple things. It acknowledges your search within to reach out and not bar yourself off from him. It says straight up how much you need him to come after you, to keep at it even when you look unreachable. It is honest about your need for his leadership and strength. Most importantly though Willie...and this is why I'm proud of you two--by writing it down it says that you believe in him, in his ability to pursue you, to be strong for you, to be your covering. THAT is bigger than a wish list. It's hope and I honestly believe it is your future--to be for each other exactly what you both need.

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    1. Thank you Susie. I didn't think the list was too long myself, our discussion focused mostly on the 'hunting me down" and the words to help me. He saw this post as a 'playbook' to a successful ttwd relationship. If I had left anything out, I wouldn't have been honest to myself or to him, and I would have been frustrated at best, or blocked off from him. Neither one of us desire that.

      I have a few BCF who push, push, then pretend to back off, all the while cyber tagging another one to take over behind my back....until they 'get' what they want. Luckily for me because this post might not have happened otherwise, and Barney might have been rolled up in a carpet tied to the top of the van on his way to Wally World :)

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  19. YES, ALL those things. I had a post in my mind about needs and wants and many of the words you wrote are words that would come from my heart as well. So thank-you for speaking my mind and heart. Beautifully said. Hugs, terps

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    1. Terps, I hope more than anything you can find a way to say these things to your husband if you desire. It wasn't easy, and yet it was. I cried the entire time I wrote this post, and I haven't a clue why, but after Barney read it, and said only two words, " Thank you", I felt the weight of the world being lifted off of my shoulders. Those two words from his mouth, made me feel like it was okay to be me. To need what I need. Not to be ashamed.

      Hugs back, willie

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  20. Yes! Yes! Yes to the whole list! I try to let Alex know this but you have it here all in one perfect list.

    The one that got me the most and one I have said to Him so many times is "Tell don't ask." It is contrary to how my polite husband is programed but he is making progress at least. I don't think they realize how intoxicating it is for us.

    Thanks so much for writing this. I know it speaks to me and so many others.

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    1. Tell don't ask is also contrary to the way Barney lives his life. He is finding a way to tell in an asking manner that is understood as NOT a question, ( unless I am in a playful mood, in which case it is for a bit..until he makes it known its NOT a question again lol). I think Barney thinks it is rude, like Alex, but again he is finding away to ease into it.

      I am so surprised at the outpouring of understanding and camaraderie in the comments concerning this post. Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone or demanding!

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  21. Rawr.
    Great list Willie. What did Barney say.
    Bea

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    1. Rawr indeed Bea.

      Barney said " Thank you" and was grateful I had made it a list type post, in bullet form. Well he actually said, " man speak "

      lol,
      willie

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  22. This is a wonderful list. The tell don't ask is one we have great difficulty with around here...he still wants to keep the peace when I need him to lead. Thank you for writing these out. I hope he hears you.
    love
    Bea

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    1. Hi Bea,

      Yes the telling not asking is a difficult one for them. More difficult than he or I ever imagined. I would go so far as to say really just stop asking. That is what I am telling! LOL. I don't always mean " would you clean the kitchen versus clean the kitchen" I sometimes mean, stop " should I drive over here to get...? " Do you want to? Then GO ! LOL...Um, clearly I have a few things to work out too! lol

      He has 'heard' me, hopefully he will remember and take steps forward for us both.

      love, willie

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  23. hi willie,
    thanks for writing in words what so many of us feel, it is truly remarkable to me that all of us come from all different parts of the world and have different experiences and lives, each one of us unique in our own way and yet we all share this common bond. it makes me grateful everyday to know i am not alone!

    lexi

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    1. LEXI hi! I've been wondering about you.

      It makes me grateful to know I am not alone in my needs as well Lexi. I just hope that we all have our needs met and it makes our husbands happier in the long run too!

      willie

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  24. Great list! Thanks for sharing! :)

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  25. Willie, this is a fantastic list. We are all human and entitled to our needs. Nothing on your list is unreasonable or unrealistic. In fact, I think this list asks as much of you as it does of Barney. Trust me, it can be hard when someone pursues you and you don't want to open up. Needing the walls to come down and wanting to take the sledge hammer to them are two different things. I'm proud of you for looking inside yourself and sharing this list with us. I hope you share it with Barney. I hope that now that you've opened up to us and to him, he can do the same and give you his list. This seems like a huge step in the right direction. You know where to find me if you need to talk.

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  26. Thank you my friend for your understanding and interpretation of my needs.

    You are right I don't need Barney to take a sledge hammer to my walls when I distance, I just need him to stand there long enough to catch me when I climb my and jump down off of it.

    It wasn't easy to share and I am happy I did with all of you, and with Barney.

    I do know exactly where you are if I need to talk,
    dancing freely down the grocery store aisles !

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  27. What a thoughtful list. I will have to go and read it again. Good for you expressing what you need so well. Did he read it?

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    1. Thank you Stormy. Yes he read it and we have had many discussions surrounding this and my previous post since.

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  28. This is such a great list Willie! Such a brave thing to put out there :)

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    1. Hi SAIL,

      I'm not sure about brave, but thank you!

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  29. Hi, Wilma. Dropping by to say hi and see how you're doing. So glad I did. This list - that you figured it out, wrote it down, and shared it with Barney, and us, tells me how much work the two of you have done, your struggles and growth, and that openness and trust have a newer, richer, deeper flavor at the Rubble house. I breezed over the comments here, so in the interest of brevity - what they said! Hugs to both of you.

    Irishey

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    1. *IRISHEY!!!!* please tell me this means you are BACK ???!!!!

      I've missed you ( and of course your wisdom) so much!

      love, willie

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    2. Irishey, Irishey, Irishey! I wanted to jump up and down over at Christina's blog but didn't want to hijack her serious post.

      Lol...not that this one isn't serious but Willie said I could do my jumping up and down here. :)

      So nice to see you and will look forward to you being back with us.

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    3. Aaawww, shucks! Y'all are so sweet! I'm kinda back. I've missed you crazy people so much! ;-)

      Willie, I'm not sure where I put that wisdom thing. I never could get it to work just right, so I may have loaned it out to someone. @..@ I'm always working on making a new one though - it really its a handy thing to have, um, handy!

      Susie, gosh, thanks. I have lots of silly things to say about your jumping, but don't want to discount how much I appreciate you welcoming me back with such enthusiasm. Much appreciated!

      Irishey

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