Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Sigh




Yup that is how I am feeling.  I have actually felt like this longer than I'd like to admit.  I feel like we are frauds.  I feel like we say we are living ttwd of lifestyle and yet if one were to examine it, I'd highly doubt we would qualify.  Yes I know ttwd means this thing WE do.  But it really doesn't often appear that WE are doing anything.  Oh sure I get spanked, but for any reason?  No not really.  For reset I suppose.  But the communication we started to build on is completely gone.  Barney no longer asks if I have written anything on my blog.  I seem to stop 'trying' so often now.   I really have never had a husband who is an HoH.  At least not longer than a few days. 

I often say, the key is falling down seven times getting up eight to others.  I really do mean it, only I don't know if after falling down the eighth time I have desire enough to get back up nine.  Don't get me wrong, our lives aren't falling apart around us.  We are not fighting.  Life really isn't getting in the way.  Barney is still in control of most things around here.  We have just fallen back into our old relationship ways.  Him doing his thing, me do mine.  Neither one of us doing our thing.  The worst part about that, I no longer sit and crave his attention anymore.  We really do seem to be 'apart' in the same house again. 

Sure a lot of it was going away by myself a couple of weeks ago, and then not being reconnected when we came back before heading out as a family again.  But if I am going to be honest, we aren't reconnecting like we used to after we've had our Reconnection Appointments.  Time and time again we have talked about bringing ttwd more into the forefront.  I don't know, it sure seems like it is never going to happen.   I have tried being the 'perfect' submissive wife, even though now I am not even sure what that is within these four walls.  The thing is, it doesn't really appear to matter.  Sure Barney is happy but he says he wasn't unhappy before.  I was.  Was I unhappy with my husband? NO .  He is a great guy.  I was and am unhappy with my feelings, or lack there of.  With the way we interact with each other.  Independent of each other. 

I know those of you who started out with us many months and months ago, ( thank you btw for those of you who decided to stick around) you have heard this from me more often than not.  This story of Weepy Willie Woe.  Each time it appears to get worse.  Each time the clawing back to where it was good seems so difficult. One would assume that it would be easier as  time goes on- that you establish a rhythm and you stumble and no matter how hard it is at the time, once you are 'right' together again, it is RIGHT, until the next time you stumble again.  As time goes on the stumbling happens less frequently, and then you write those wonderful posts that ttwd is just in your life now and you no longer think about it anymore.  Thankfully for many of you that is true.  I highly doubt that you will ever see that post penned by me.

So what was the catalyst for this tear fest?  Many things I believe.  The old comparing yourself to others, but admit it, it is difficult NOT to if you are not in the ' ttwd is just part of our lives' stage of your relationship.  Over the past few months, I have ( happily) witnessed women becoming fully TiH by their husbands.  Not 'just' women who started after us, but women whose husbands said they would NEVER do ttwd.  It does become very discouraging, when you have a husband who was on board from the start ( tentatively) and you are still in the starting stalls.




 Actually I don't feel like we are even in the starting stalls anymore. If we are, our jockey is missing.


 Wait that was me a little while ago.  Finding hurdles within myself and trying to jump them. I am more like this now,



wild, no saddle, or bridle to rein me in, yet no passion.  Alone, longing perhaps to run with other 'wild' horses, but no ability to do that either.


I can pretty much predict what will happen if Barney ever reads this post.  He will get frustrated ( with himself).  He will spank me, as a means to reconnect. I will sit gingerly for a couple of days, if he gets back to his old spanky self.  He will mention that he needs to pick things up, not just spanking me, and most likely we will be right back here again in a week or so.  I know, you are going to say that I should give up before it begins, but lets be honest, and call a spade a spade.  Reapplying THIS




constantly to this




isn't working.  Yet that is what we continually seem to be doing here.


There has been some (hopefully not fantasy) talk about a get together with a couple of ttwd couples in several months from now.  Last night as I 'listened' to them chat,  I couldn't help but wonder what 'lap' we would be in during our horse race that is ttwd.  Would we even be doing ttwd then?  Would I still be eating grass out in the field alone, no jockey in sight? 



 Would I still feel like a fraud?


56 comments:

  1. I think all of us feel this way from time to time, Willie. This is a hard lifestyle to maintain perfectly. Things got better for me and Alex when I let go of all the expectations I had pent up in my head and just let him be what he could be. It's never perfect but it is good and feels more natural now. Hope this helps.

    Hugs to you,

    Sammie

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    1. Hello Sammie!

      I have been thinking about you. It is so fantastic to hear from you. I hope things are moving along wonderfully with your new place.

      As difficult as this must be to believe based on the above post, on a day to day basis I have discarded most expectations concerning Barney's way of doing things a long time ago. It was the realization that we were drifting a part. Or rather I was that prompted this post mostly.

      Hugs back to you too. I hope you will be posting soon so we can find out what you have been up to!
      willie

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    2. Hi Willie,

      I have been so busy with getting settled and have had house guests for over three weeks! Everybody wants to come see the new house, lol! Very little private time for myself or for Alex and I. Very frustrating...

      Anyway, your post and our conversation has prompted me to really think about things. I have realized that in the past I have tended to fall into cycle of emotions. Things would be going well and then TTWD would subside a bit. It would upset me that he wasn't as attentive and I would withdraw a little. Men, being the emotionally obtuse creatures that they are, he wouldn't get that this was a cry for attention or wouldn't even notice. This would add to my anxiety and feelings of neglect and cause me to withdraw further and further. By the time it all came out into the open I felt like we were on the verge of collapse and he would just be standing there looking at me with no earthly idea why I felt that way.

      Sigh.....

      So, I guess for me, I had to stop attributing the ebb and flow of TTWD as a lack of love and attention on his part and just start accepting that it normal for it NOT to be perfect all the time. I think anyone that says that it can be or is is fibbing a bit. THE MOST common thread I have seen on the blogs is this very topic.

      I know when I expect perfect consistency I set myself up for disappointment which can damage my connection to Alex. There may be a few HOHs out there that are perfectly dominant and consistent all the time but I don't think the that is the case for the vast majority. Once I stopped attributing Alex's lack of consistency to a lack of caring I stopped withdrawing and distancing myself and we seemed to ride out the "lean" times much better and quicker. In fact I have found leaning in when he is leaning back helps keeps us close.

      Anyway, I'm not sure I explained myself very well but I didn't want you to think I was criticizing with my reply. I also know that everyone's TTWD life is not the same and and that it is highly individualized. I just saw some of my own emotions in your post and hoped that I could help.
      Seems by your last post that things are coming around again. Enjoy the highs but don't sweat the lows, lol!

      Hugs,

      Sammie



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  2. Okay, I'm gonna get personal here and I'll leave it to you if you want to publish this. My feelings are totally unhurt if you decide not to--it's just for you anyway.

    I watched a couple this past weekend who love each other, who are clearly devoted to raising their kids together, who enjoy being with each other and have fun together. I watched a feisty, fun lady who teases and pokes her bear but who does defer and is respectful. I watched a really good guy redirect his kids, help you with meals and grab your hand when we went for a walk. I watched him watching you sometimes, just subtly out of the corner of his eye. He is such a good man.

    On the way home MM and I were talking. He really enjoyed spending time with Barney and while I know they didn't utter a word about ttwd I think men get a sense of each other and size one another up. My hubby said, "Those two are going to be just fine, but it is up to Barney." I think I told you the other things he said and now his actual words have escaped me but he talked about how obvious it was that you wanted to be led and how you are smart and sassy but also paused to let Barney take the lead. You ARE doing all the right things and it makes my heart ache to see your heart aching and feeling lonely so often. My hubby may be very right. It is up to Barney to decide what level of emotional intimacy he desires, to decide what level of leadership he wants and practice it daily. Neither of you are even slightly interested in a crime and punishment sort of ttwd but you yearn for the communication and closeness. You ask a hard question in this post. Does he as well?

    I know what the turning point was for my husband a couple years ago and there is nothing like a serious crisis to turn a man's head around. I think that couples like yourselves who find themselves in everyday life without any big crisis are in an even harder spot. Thank God there's no huge thing to deal with, but it makes complacency and satisfaction with the status quo way too easy. Nobody except Barney can know what it might take to make a real change and keep him there. He has to want to and then, as my husband will attest to, it is a ton of hard work with some incredible rewards.

    At the end of the day Willie, you are my friend and you are stuck with me, no matter how ttwd looks in your marriage. I think I can say with pretty good surety that there are others who feel the same way. We are gonna stay right here and keep walking and hoping with you b/c it is what real friends do. My heart agrees with my husband. "Those two are gonna be just fine" and I think I understand the desires of your heart. They are good and right and there is not an ounce of fraud in them.

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    1. Well Susie, I suppose you and MM do have a rather unique perspective.

      I do recognize that what you say is true. As far as my attitude goes I certainly make an effort to defer to Barney. One would think that I was on my best behaviour with the two of you there, but in truth that is just how we interact. I wasn't giving it much thought when we were there. Only the ONE time when MM said to me, " That is quite the face" ( I was all scrunched up, and tight lipped, by myself in the kitchen)...." I am TRYING to be good but I am a TAD frustrated" did I really have to concentrate on my efforts...LOL. But Barney is easy going.

      I guess really I was not referring to specific actions/nonactions on Barney's part in this post, just feelings that were going on inside of me.

      I know I am stuck with you-- stalker lady! And I feel very warm and fuzzy knowing that :)

      Your and MM's constant belief in us really does keep us plunging forward.

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  3. Dear Willie, :).

    You know how the friends who love you the most will tell you when you have a Booger sticking out of your nose, or that your fly is open, or that there is food on your face? Well here goes nothing- and you know that I love you!!! Here is a big heart to remind you!!! <3.

    I really do believe that you are missing something here. To me, from this vantage point (and I could be wrong) it looks like Barney is trying. It also looks like your expectations are not seeing what he is doing, and always wanting more. The fact is that you need to let him grow into his role. Just your talking about how you always have to "put a bandaid on it" says volumes. There is nothing to fix after each pause. It's not broken I don't think. It's being learned. You can encourage that edumacation (as we say around here:)) by letting Barney know when you've enjoyed something, or dropping kind and respectful hints about wishes. Those kinds of things! Barney loves you. I can see that.

    You mention that Barney has expressed his opinion that he was not unhappy with your marriage. Is he the kind of guy that likes his alone time? That can be hard on a marriage at times- especially when the other partner is the opposite. In this case, you are the one who needs the changes. It is more than important that you try to figure out what and why, and then communicate that to Barney. Make sure that you are both on the same page going forward. And then ttwd.

    Lastly, it is so hard for humans not to compare themselves to others. I think Blogland is nice for us all, and we can get ideas and understand how different couples get to where they are now. I think the key is that we can learn from others certainly. People are indeed just living their lives, and it is completely wonderful. We can learn a lot from them all. But you can bet your bottom (no pun intended) that they went through angst and worked hard to get there. What I learn in Blogland is that if I work hard at my marriage, then it will be successful. And- I can get a boatload of support, and make some friends that really understand along the way. And hopefully i can make a difference here and there too. And wow! I like/hate spankings- what an interesting tool! They actually seem to do some interesting things!

    We are all different and we all bring our own experiences to the table. There is no race. There is a nice easy walk where we all take our own path that is right for us. Some will run, others jog, some even ride a turtle. They are all good. IMHO if you are slower, perhaps you get to enjoy more of the scenery along the way. There is something to be said about that I bet! In our case, we took the turtle ride to now. You just weren't aware of it when we started. :)

    Willie I wish that you were just down the street so that I could give you a big hug and tell you that things are going to get better. I know that they will. I know you've heard this stuff before. Have you really listened?? You are one of the sweetest, kindest, caring, creative women that I've ever come across. Barney knows all of this and more. And I'd bet my life that he'd do anything to make you happy! Give him a chance. Enjoy the ride a bit! Sheesh- I hope you still love me! Lol! Big giant hugs and love!

    <3 Katie

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    1. I have to admit I struggled with what to say in relation to this comment. Not because you offended me, but because my post was about more about how I was feeling, how I felt a disconnect with Barney, more so than his lack of action and expectations I have of HIM, verses us. Perhaps it can be interpreted as he isn't following through, therefore we are disconnected? But truly I see what Barney is doing.

      I don't compare myself on a daily basis to others, just when I am already 'down' about things.

      As far as *me* being the one who needs the changes in the relationship and communicating that to Barney? That isn't correct and perhaps it came off that way in this post but that wasn't my intent. At the start he said he was happy with the way things were, but since starting ttwd, he has seen how we weren't all that happy. Perhaps I should have said in my post that he wasn't dissatisfied with my attitude or behaviour instead. That he initially thought our marriage was good, 9 months ago, but he too now sees that it can be better.

      As for have I really listened? Katie, I have been there, designed the t-shirt, sold it out of the back of a van on the street. Looked at it, redesigned it. Moved the van to a different venue. Bought other's shirts. Drank the kool aid. Whatever you want to say. Been there done that. :)

      No worries my friend, we are all entitled to our interpretations.
      willie

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  4. I can't help but wonder if we all feel this way. The Duke was on a great stride for a bit, I thought we had it. But lately, he's back to not noticing what I do, what I'm not doing. I want to blame it on the fact that I was sick, but looking back, I see a real disconnect. :(

    I have never once thought you were a fraud. You have always been very honest about where you are. You are trying to get TTWD to work, we all are. It's not an easy journey, especially when our husbands are not alpha male even in their baby toe. Now I don't know how much alpha Barney may or may not have, but I do know from what you write that it isn't usually his strongest suit. But even if this never clicks for him, we will NEVER, and I mean, NEVER consider you a fraud.

    Now, if you told us how perfect your TTWD life was, how everything was just picture perfect, and made us all extremely envious of you, and then found out that you wear the pants in the family and Barney goes around saying "Yes Dear" all day long, then that is when we might call you a fraud. ;)

    Until that day, keep being you. We know where you stand. We also know how much love and support you give us all. Willie, you have stood by so many of us when we didn't know how we'd get through another day of DD. You have calmed us down, encouraged us, and been our cheering section. I love you for that, and so do many others. I see no fraud here, I see one of the most caring and compassionate women I have ever had the honour of knowing. {{{HUGS}}} Sorry, I know you're not a big compliment fan, but try to swallow this one. ;) okay. :)

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    1. Aww EsMay, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling a disconnect. It is so difficult to feel that. I think it is more difficult than not 'getting' to feel the connection in the first place. Once you feel it you so desperately want to keep it. I think in part that is why ttwd works so well. We are addicted! LOL we always want THAT feeling and the highs are high and the lows seem so very low. The good news it that you recognize that you aren't where you feel you should be. After all you know there is an issue there, so now you can work on fixing it. That is not such a bad thing.

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I have benefited so much from all the friendships I have made here. I didn't suspect that you all would think I was a fraud personally, that is just how I was feeling. Hopefully that feeling is long gone now

      I hope you are finding your way back to your intense connection with Duke!
      willie

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  5. I was going to start and write something profound and witty, hopefully helpful, but then read Susie and Katie's comments so what I was going to say has already been said. Except for that booger part... lol.

    It's hard not to compare yourself to other couples, but remember that on the surface if everything is peachy with them, you never know what challenges they are facing in private.

    I would take this to Barney, have him read the post and comments. Try to talk with him and see where you go. He loves you and wants you to be happy.

    :D

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    1. Well may I personally thank you for not bring up boogers again. Oh wait.....

      I like many people here have the benefit of knowing numerous couples outside of the 'confounds' of their blogs, and do realize that we are only seeing a snap shot of their daily lives. I have actually ( if you can believe it) been on the receiving end of several comments saying that they wished they were where Barney and I are. I know that reading just a few hours of someone's life or the words their husbands say look so different in print than in their house also.

      I generally only have a tendency to compare when I am already in a bad place. Rubbing salt in the wound if you will. Fortunately reading others doesn't PUT me in a bad place. I suppose I just like to torture myself after the fact further....LOL

      Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment Christina. Most appreciated.
      willie

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  6. Hey Willie,
    I hope you have received my e-mail and read it by now. Little too much of a rant to share here. I read Susie's comment. Sometimes we are looking so hard for what is not there we can't see the things that are so obvious to others.
    You are not alone. Christina is right. The surface is shining and bright, but we don't really know everything that is going on.
    We started this around the same time. We are both in very different places, with different goals, some not clearly understood yet. One of the things that is the same is we still both have a long way to go. Come on, keep walking with me my friend.
    Love,
    Blue Bird

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    1. Well I am so late to commenting it is difficult to comment on this one..LOL. Thank you for your email and I have enjoyed our chats last week while we both figured out our different yet similar adventure in ttwd.

      I will keep walking with you. Heck, we seem to always end up on the same path on any given week as it is, I might as well!

      Love, willie

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  7. Hi Willie, I agree with the other comments really. I think we all do things differently and AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS. Please don't compare your selves to any one else, there are things in everyone's lives that they wish they were doing differently. As the boys grow up and leave home, it will get easier, time and space are big factors in ttwd. I have no idea how we would have implemented spanking consistently into a house with no peace in it, Your time will come, for now just plod on, seizing the opportunities you both have, to talk and play. Eventually you may realise that the lifestyle is flourishing in your marriage just fine. I hoipe you feel better soon
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Oh I am well aware that we all move at different speeds. I was just piling more 'bad' vibes on top of a shakey foundation last week. I truly don't compare myself often to others. Only when I'm already in a bad place. Not sure why I do that as it snowballs the anxiety into something stronger. Things are much better now.

      Thanks Jan.
      love,willie

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  8. After reading the amazing comments above I'm not sure that I have much to add, other than to say that anyone who is as honest and sincere as you are, is as far away from being a fraud as you can get. You put yourself out there, with your husband, with this blog, with your friends...you call it like you see it, and always with an open heart.

    We all stumble, usually many times and for different reasons. Thankfully, friends like you are there to offer a helping hand when we do...so we never really have to try to get back up on our own, whether it's the 1st time or the 20th time. My hand is out to you Willie. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I just want you to know that I'm here for you. ((HUGS))

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    1. Thank you Tess.

      Thank you for checking in with me last week too, and offering me the gift of your time. It really does help to know that people are willing to give of themselves when you are not feeling quite right.

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  9. Willie - I can so relate to this post. My heart aches for you. I have no advise - besides the ladies above offered great words of wisdom - but here's a ((big hug)) and lots of support. Hang in there, sweetie!

    PS I don't think you could be a fraud if you tried. Besides it's not your relationship that we love. It's you!

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    1. Sarah your last statement was one of the nicest things I have read. That means so much to me. Thank you.

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  10. My heart goes out to you, dear, as I know that 'fraud' feeling. A year ago, I thought I would have to rename my blog "How to Destroy your Marriage in 10 Days with DD". I even toyed around with the hope that we would win the largest trophy for "How to Totally Screw UP (not in) your Marriage."

    So many of us have struggled with it, but Susie's MM nailed it. It's up to Barney. Accepting that is HARD. I liken it to stapling Jell-O to a tree (yes, post coming up on that one) but once you do, it's easier to breathe, and we all know breathing is good.

    My advice to you is keep it simple: Just take his hand and tell him you miss him. Wish I could write more, but I'm out of time.

    HUGS!!!

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    1. I hadn't thought of it before Rogue, but I suppose I could see how you would have had similar feelings. While I am sorry for all that you went through in 2012, know that reminding me of that gave me hope the day I first read this.

      I guess at the time when I was feeling this I began to concentrate only on the quiet voice inside that was telling me we 'weren't' doing ttwd enough? or in the way that was helping our reconnection grow, as opposed to telling that voice to shut the heck up and to just breathe.

      Breathing is good..Panting is better especially now that you might be able to receive that trophy you wanted - " How to Totally Screw, in (not up) Your Marriage" :)

      Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I really do appreciate it. Reminding me what you have been through and knowing that you have made ttwd work for you and Jared helped more than you can know.
      willie

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  11. I wish I had more time to write what I really feel here. You are a good friend to everyone in blog land. You are the first to come to someone's rescue when they need it. My Lord, you called out the calvary for me a week or so ago. You listen to me drivel on about my problems....and you give me some things to think about....whether I really want to or not. You have laughed with me....and cried too. You are all of THESE things.....notice fraud was nowhere to be found in there.

    You nailed it TTW(e)D is different for all of us. I don't think you are comparing yourself to anyone. I think you just feel so close to what you want....and yet so far away. This is one of those times I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. I hear your pain....and it is all I have thought about today. I think you are yearning to be close to your husband...spanking be damned...this goes far deeper than that....and YOU know that....now he needs to know that. I have no idea how to get you there....I don't have some magic formula....but if I had a super power.....I would use it for you :)

    As Susie said...ttwd or no.....potato/tomato....you are my friend...and you will be for as long as you will have me. I am still standing here....right behind you...if you need me <3

    Lots of love.....

    ~Lucy

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    1. Thank you . Thank you. Thank you. I could go on but really that is all I need to say to you. You do know me so well, and I guess I should have just phoned you or Susie and saved everyone all the drama! LOL
      Lots of Love back, and thanks for the sweet, misguided, but sweet words.
      willie

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  12. Well Willie - I had a huge post to add, but your comments said it had to be shorter then 4900 some odd characters or something and it ate my post. So, I will now have to start over! I'll come round again during nap.

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  13. Part one - it still won't let me write a ton.

    Ok,
    Now, I know that before, I was writing my comment and there were no other comments yet, but now I see a few and I just feel like there is something missing from what people are getting out of your post/ posts. (no offense to anyone)
    So, I'll give a disclaimer, because well, I could come off as a bit "off" or black and white maybe, and I will probably say some unpopular things as I don't think that the "have patience" bit is really what is needed here.

    What I'm seeing is this.
    You looked into ttwd / dd because you were feeling a loss of something. You said " I was and am unhappy with my feelings, or lack there of. With the way we interact with each other. Independent of each other."

    You felt like you had feelings missing, and in the past you've also had/have problems opening up. Your marriage was in a rut so to speak with little boulders (like you opening up) stuck all around that rut.

    You were in search for the want of those feelings and a closeness in your marriage.

    Does that make you a fraud?
    No - you are not a fraud, you were simply trying to find something for yourself, to help yourself and that's not a bad thing.

    You say others get it faster and get into ttwd even after starting later? Well, let's see how long that lasts, I'm not saying they are frauds or anything, but I'm saying what looks rosey on a blog one day, can also flitter away just as fast as it caught on. I've also been around a bit to have at least 25 inactive blogs on my roll...

    As I've admitted before, I've had similar feelings too and yes, tons of women do. We all seem to be these wall builders because, well, WHO wants to open up to the man who gives you "deer in the headlights look" I've laid in bed several nights with a swarm of feelings in my head thinking "why doesn't he just roll over and hug me. I need him. I need him to SEE ME, not have ME tell HIM that I'm feeling bad and then have him react.
    I wanted HIM to do it first without my help. I mean, where is the caring part if YOU have to lead the Husband to care for you? psssft!

    So, here is the unpopular part.

    Sometimes, they just don't get it... and they are not going to get it because they were never "that guy" in the first place. Ttwd isn't a fix for it and nothing but deep investigation can possibly fix it.

    As far as how you feel about lack of feelings in your relationship between you and Barney...
    I really just think that you have to explore yourself outside of Barney, outside of ttwd - forget what everyone else does, and focus on why you think you want those feelings, and why it's important to you.

    Are you and have you always been the mushy gushy throw your arms around him girl who has the warm fuzzies over your Hubby?
    I know I wasn't.. I mean yeh, I love him, but all that feelings stuff? Yeh, I was head over heels for the whole first few months of our relationship... but 15 years later?

    Some people just are not like that forever. Do I see it in others? sure. Do I want it myself? Sure! but when it comes down to it.. it's not really me. We have to find what works for us.

    I have only recently begun to notice that later in life now, that I need a closer "closeness" and for him to be there for me more emotionally and SEE ME without guidance.

    Only, the thing is, you have to have a journey inside yourself to figure out why you want those feelings or feel that it's bad to have a lack of feelings.

    cont............

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  14. I don't remember where I cut if off sorry if this is C&P

    You said in the past that you show love by doing. That's you. I think you should embrace that and build off of it. What is Willie's way of love? It does not need to mimic others.

    Maybe Barney has been trying and going down this road with you because he DOES want you to be happy and he wants to please you, but the key he was waiting for was for you to figure out why you need those feelings now, and why can't you be happy being you, with him being who he was - even if you think you are uncaring, loving, mushy stuff type person.
    He saw your interest in ttwd and went along with it to help you find you, but he just isn't into it the way you need him to be.
    Some parts of me thinks that sometimes, the guy really just has to be a closet Alpha male, or even closet spanko to step into these roles we want from them.

    Another aspect is - who were you two when you first met?

    Sometimes when I read a post about Barney, is it asking too much from him to BE that umbrella guy holding it out for you, if he doesn't "get" the umbrella guy?
    OR
    Maybe he was that guy in the beginning and over time, he saw you as a strong independent woman so he stopped being there in that way, or maybe you hid so many feelings that he didn't see HIS need for supportive actions?

    This is where we are stuck right now and maybe it's you? I pushed him away so many times, he stopped coming back. It's a big bridge to rebuild now!

    That's an issue that many people use marriage counseling for. Many people call it mid life crisis in their marriage.
    They just get to that "BLAH" part and want more, and the men are just happily going along thinking nothing is wrong or happening...
    There is a song that reminds me of you when I hear it. It's by Pink featuring Nate Ruess. It's a woman perspective and then the mans. The song goes on to say "we're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again" I think the lyrics are pretty cool actually as it portrays her feelings then his (which of course are "this is all in your head woman" but in a much better phrase. Men just take things so differently.

    Anyways - You have a picture of a damn with ttwd holding up all those things, but you can have a strong wall of love in your marriage and support system without ttwd. Many people do.

    I'm just trying to be open about what I see going on. I hope this isn't just absolutely horrible... sorry if it's offensive in any way. I just think that being happy with yourself is a quest for many women, you are not alone in that, but don't let others marriages question yours.

    You have a right to be happy, you just have to figure out how to get there, ttwd or not. I think finding YOU first can be a great adventure. Then maybe there will be room for ttwd, but that would have to be up to Barney to fully get and want to implement for himself with no steering from you. This whole thing we do, bringing it to another person really is a huge deal, and sometimes it's just not them. It does not mean your marriage will fail because of it, it's just one of many tools to make a marriage work.

    I wish you two well on whatever journey you encounter, and whatever bridge you build from here.


    (hugs)

    -Emi

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    1. Wow Emi.

      Thank you for spending so much of your personal time on me. Not once but twice apparently. You do raise several interesting questions and have some great opinions in there.

      We are much better now. Sometimes things get mentally blown out of proportion with ttwd. Sometimes there is a reason for it. The benefit of it is the communication that follows the breakdown. Something that wouldn't have been there months before.

      I appreciate your friendship and your willingness to say things that others may not.

      hugs
      willie

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  15. Hey Willie,

    You are blessed with such loving friends here - who've come along side you just when you needed it most. And I think that there are more of us who are feeling a bit discouraged right now.

    Since you've already been given such excellent advice and encouragement, I'll just share a couple of thoughts I have with you.

    First - your new blog looks fantastic! I know that can seem like a small consolation, but I know it takes time to find/create something that reflects the person behind the blog. :)

    Second - I remember a long time ago we talked about our husbands being more "beta" than "alpha". I think that as ttwd is challenging to any couple, it's even more so for a beta, so we'll have to do things a bit differently. Maybe there are more couples like us out there who can help?

    Third - I love your illustrations, they make sense. Especially the dam one - it's really good.

    I's great that someone was able to tell you what they observed in Barney, how much he loves you, how he watches you - so sweet!!

    I really hope that you find yourself feeling better this evening than you were this morning.

    ((hugs))
    Cali

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    1. Hey Cali!

      Thank you for the blog compliment. Thank goodness you didn't stop by when I had cherries or strawberries on here. BLECH it was all too much!

      Anyway, where were we? Yes having a 'beta' as you said for a husband ( although this term really reminds me of the fish) does require a different involvement from the wife who wants ttwd. It requires more active attempts ( or so it would appear) to maintain our submissive self. Giving more rather than having it taken from us.

      I often think of a bag of assorted balloons and a room full of people. Some are able to grab a balloon and blow it up without much issue. Some have to pull and stretch the balloon for a bit first. Some, like myself have the balloon that you blow into it, it doesn't inflate, but shoots across the room. On the next attempt, you managed to let a little air in allowing you to see that is actually purple in colour, not black like you originally thought... after much blowing and popping and pain in your right ear, you are able to add a tad more air. All the balloons make for a great party once inflated, but people let go of theirs at different times and have them spewing around the room. When that happens it doesn't seem to matter whether theirs blew up easily at first or they had to pull and stretch. Everyone has to start to blow again. Only this time EVERYONE generally has an easier time of it, because it was inflated once already.

      Keep at it Cali, you may be in the stretching and pulling stage, but the air you breath in now will help down the road :)

      I am much better now thank you for your concern Cali

      willie

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  16. Hi Willie :) I really can't think of anything to add to all the fantastic words of advice and wisdom you've already been given by the wonderful and wise women of blogland. I just wanted you to know I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I wish there was some way I could help. Hugs!

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    1. Queenie, you stopping by and offering support was a way to help. Thank you!
      willie

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  17. I so understand what it is to want something SOOOOOO bad and just not be able to get it. I hope you will come through this and find the happiness, contentment and that very soon you'll be back in the race.

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    1. Well hello stranger. Nice to see you again!

      Thank you Cygnet we are working our way back at quite a rapid pace at the moment. Hopefully this momentum continues. We have some challenges with life in general ahead, hopefully we can plow through with ttwd getting stronger during that time.

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  18. willie, i read this post early this morning when there were no comments and i was afraid to be the first. i'm too new to give you ANY advice, but i wanted to stop by and leave a comment of support.

    i love seeing your cute little face in my comments section and i love everything that you have to say to me, your advice is fabulous. i thought maybe you should take your own advice and just take it easy on yourself. :) i think you're darling. don't go anywhere. :)

    hugs,
    m.

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    1. Aww Maryanne, you know ttwd is really about relationships. You aren't too knew on that front that is for sure! Please don't second guess yourself when it comes to comments you do just fine. I see you leaving great comments!

      I'm not going anywhere any time soon that I can see. You are stuck with me and that cartoon face!

      hugs and thanks Maryanne
      willie

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  19. I understand this - and I'm sure you've read about our long break. it took a break to realize that this is what we both wanted..and there are times where things are on and when they're off. And maybe he does need to read this post even though it may seem like it will just be another "re run" of the same ol' thing. I think life is full of the same thing...work, housework, taking care of kids...exercise - sometimes it brings us joy and is new and exciting...and sometimes it's just the same thing and hard work. :( Either way, you are a strong couple and committed and don't forget to talk things out

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    1. I know you understand Ashley and I did read about your long break.

      I think you have an excellent point Ashley. Sometimes things are just off and there is nothing to fret about. I mean lots of things in life get off track and we don't call it quits or pull the plug but dig in and try to muddle through, knowing there is no other option. Ttwd deserves that kind of attention too.

      We did talk again, although he hasn't read this post, things are much better again. We are slowly building once more.

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  20. Willie, my Dear,
    What can I say to you that Susie didn't say perfectly? Maybe just that I love you for the genuine person you are - you could never be a fraud.
    If you take an assessment, a really clinical look at where you are now compared to when you began, what do you see? Sometimes I do that when I am discouraged with ttwd.
    As we discussed during our conversation today, there are comfort levels that we reach during our Dd journey and not everybody arrives there at the same time and place.
    With love and so many, many hugs
    lillie

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    1. Hey Lillie,

      Susie does have a unique perspective as far as ttwd and Barney and I are concerned, as she and MM have seen us in action, but you have many unique perspectives too. After all you were 'there' with us before we started ttwd, and every single step along our way. You are right, things have changed drastically around here. Especially within both Barney and myself personally.

      We have become a couple who communicates effectively more now. A wife who isn't afraid that she is going to send her husband heading for the hills when she expresses her hurt. A husband who doesn't sulk when his wife opens up. We have a long way to go, and we know that we are never going to stop learning about each other or ttwd because as humans and a couple we are constantly evolving.

      We have hit a certain level of comfort...or like in that tv show that used to be on, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire-we hit $250,00 mark, and we can't loose more than that now. No matter how many questions we get wrong, they can't take that away from us. Sometimes I just need to gain a little more perspective, and realize that we haven't really slid that far back, even though it feels like it at times.

      Thanks for the chats, the love, and the many many hugs. They are always appreciated
      willie

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  21. Ugh....my stomach knotted up and there was no way I could comment earlier when I read this. You know I don't have advice so I won't pretend to. I just want to remind you that our friendship goes WAY beyond ttwd as well as your friendship with many others around here does also.

    Listen to Susie! I'm sure you had great advice from others as well, but I happened to read hers earlier.

    Know that I'm here if you want to talk. We may not solve our own problems, but we are really good at solving the rest of the world issues. ;)

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    1. Oh dear, sorry about your tummy. I know our friendship goes way beyond ttwd, although you personally could fill several days a week talking about your journey...lol...I'm kidding! Sorta.

      Listen to Susie? Good grief there will be *NO* living with her now! She's already soooooooooooooo bossy. Do you realize what you have done? *wink*

      I know you are always just a phone call away, even if you are enjoying a sangria margarita at the time :) Hope to catch up soon with you!
      love, willie

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  22. Oh Willie I am so sorry you are struggling and feeling so down about things. You are not and could never be considered a fraud. What you are is funny and creative and a fantastic friend to everyone here in blogland.

    I had a post earlier this month expressing my own doubts to Alex about his desire/ability to really do this with me and for us. Having those doubts is so tough and when we have to ask them AGAIN to lead us it can be so discouraging. The tough part is like MM said at some point it really will be up to Barney to take up the lead. I think we all have been there and felt what you are feeling.

    I think what I would add to all the amazing comments here is to not bee too hard on him or yourself. In the scheme of things you haven't been doing this that long. This all takes time and effort and even the most well meaning and supposedly committed guy has an awful lot of adjusting to do in a Dd relationship. It is a very different way of relating than what they have always been told was the correct way to run a marriage. A year and a half in and we are still adjusting and trying to find our way. Show him all of this. I bet he will understand.

    We are all here for you and in some small way I hope that helps. Never feel bad for venting. That's what we are here for.

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    1. Thank you Zoe. Your post last month was very identifiable to me. I know many have been where I am. Often it is difficult to remember that with an emotional mind.

      I also know that 9 months isn't that long and slow and steady wins the 'race'. Some days that information seems to escape me however.

      We are doing much better, and I myself have gone back to basics. Barney is lapping it up this time, unlike the times before, and that is without reading this post. Remind me of this 'next' time okay?

      It does help very much that I feel all of your presence behind me. It really does.

      Thanks Zoe...and dare I say, welcome back?

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  23. aw, willie. I'm in a slower lap than you, even, probably. Don't compare with others. Appreciate what you have and build on that...

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    1. Thanks Renee, for stopping by again, and for your support

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  24. Hi Willie,

    First off, you are most definitely not a fraud. You are very genuine and real. The advice you received from all of the ladies is excellent, however, I would like to offer another perspective.

    You said that you and Barney seem to be “apart” in the household each doing your own thing. That is the most germane issue here. Is TTWD an attempt to be more connected? If so, it seems as though it works at times and other times not so much. A confusing and very frustrating situation, leading to lots of “why’s” and “what next” questions making you want to throw your hands into the air and scream.

    I hope not to sound presumptuous, but here is my input. Men and women are very different creatures. What motivates men is different and sometimes opposite from that which motivates women.

    In the beginning of any relationship things work very well because at first the man cannot do enough for his beloved, to heck with living life, he has only her in his thoughts. As a result, her needs are not only fulfilled, but are overflowing. She in turn has become the singular object of his affection for which to protect and provide, filling his needs to the brim.

    After time living life becomes a necessary priority. He begins doing fewer of the little things that made her feel cherished. Her needs are unfulfilled and she starts feeling taken for granted. However, because they are still in love and want to please the other, she decides to take action. The problem is, it is human nature to do for others the things that you like done for you. So the women tells her man how much she loves him and gives him little gifts and things that she would treasure if done for her. The man notices this and decides it has been too long since he did something nice for her so he goes out and does something big, like buy her a new car or take her on a nice vacation to show his love.

    What he doesn’t realize, is that girls keep score differently than guys. For guys a new car or vacation should count as 100 and fill her needs for several months, but to her it counts as 1, just the same as if he brought her home a flower and a nice card (OK maybe not exactly one for one here, but you get the idea). She is happy for a while until her needs re-surface. He interprets this as her being ungrateful and thinks, what is her problem? I did all this and now she wants more; which causes him to do even less. As a result, her needs bucket becomes depleted, and the problem escalates. She cannot understand why he is acting this way because she has shown her love for him in so many obvious ways (to her but not to him). He appears ungrateful and unloving.

    The irony of this situation is that even though they both think the other is not giving and is being ungrateful, in reality, they are both giving; just giving things that fail to meet the others needs. As a result, they each feel angry, frustrated, confused and very unhappy. Life is not joyful. This is I know a generalization because all people are different. Some women behave more like men and some men behave more like women, but the basic idea that we all have individual needs, and filling each other’s needs each day, is the key.

    We are all created with a need to connect with another human and form a union. However, after we have found the love of our life, life itself has a way of interfering with the bond that binds us as a couple. You and Barney are lucky to have found each other and things are not far off the path you seek.

    Enjoy TTWD for what it is and what it does for you, but if you both will also try to recall the things that attracted you to each other when you first met and start behaving like you did then; if you can do that, I predict that the living “apart” but in the same household will soon be a distant memory.

    Blessings to you both,

    George

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    1. Thanks for your insight George. And as I said to you in private, by the way thanks also for checking up on us, you should really expand this into a post. This comment is great!

      hugs,
      willie

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  25. Wow, you have received such wonderful advice, and I apologize that I could not get around to reading sooner. I hope you are feeling a bit, better, but just looking at these loving comments, I can see how adored and respected you are in this community! You are no fraud! Do you have any idea how much you have been able to guide me in the short time I have been around? It has been TREMENDOUS :) You are so knowledgeable, and loving, and giving, and shall I continue??? This is coming from someone that is just getting to know you and this community. Everyone goes through ups and downs. I struggle with it all of the time...he needs to know your heart, and he seems like a wonderful man. Anything worth having takes time. If you really really truly do feel like you need a break though, don't beat yourself up over it. It's all personal discovery...we have to gain insight in order to move forward. Hugs to you, Willie <3

    -Marie

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    1. I am not sure how I have helped you with my limited experiences Marie, but if I have that is great.

      I know everyone struggles. As you know when you are the one struggling you think it is a very lonely place to be. It is so difficult to gain and accurate picture of your life when you are down. Things are much better now and we are moving closer together again. We will get there. We just need to keep on trying

      Thank you for your kind words Marie,

      hugs, willie

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  26. My dear Willie,

    My heart aches for you. I read the post and Susie's comment and it had me in tears. As Susie said, you are a dear friend and I'm afraid you're stuck with me too. Our friendship goes beyond ttwd.

    You are not, and could never be considered a fraud. You have been open, honest and genuine in sharing your journey with us.

    I hope you are feeling the love from the wonderful comments you have received here because, my friend. You are very much loved and respected by all of us. You are a caring and compassionate person with much love to give and you give us so much support and encouragement and are always there for us.

    Listen to Susie my dear. She has seen the two of you interact first hand. I agree with Lillie also, if you examine where you now compared to when you started what do you see? You say Barney is still in charge and it seems to me as though you are both trying. He hasn't given up. I do think your recent trip away followed by the family weekend away may play a bit part in the disconnect.

    Much love and (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. OH dear another listen to Susie. She's really going to be a force to be reckoned with now!

      Susie's comments and many of them made me cry too. I have felt such love from this community often, especially this past week. To be honest I really didn't think the fraud comment would be so commented on. It was a way that I was feeling, not that I really gave it much thought that others thought that of me. I guess if I ever ventured into that line of thinking I would know better now!

      I think you are right, the activities of late have contributed greatly to the disconnect. That does concern me however, as we are entering the busy period in our lives. Summer here is always crazy. Hopefully we can find a way to 'survive' it with very little collateral damage on the ttwd front.

      I appreciate your friendship too Roz. One that started out with ttwd but has grown so much from there.

      Much love to you!
      willie

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  27. Dearest Willie, you are sooooo not a fraud!

    You are always the very first person to help out and support others. Just read what everyone above is saying! What wonderful friends you have, and such good support they are offering.

    Whatever I say will be a duplicate of what has come before. I especially like the last paragraph from George. He's hit the nail right on the head.

    Try not to blame Barney, and try not to force him, Sweetie. I truly think he is doing his best. He is just taking a bit longer, that's all. Maybe sometimes we women need to take the female equivalent of a 'cold shower' just to slow us down a little and to remind us to walk not run!

    I always think how great you are both doing. After all, he even reads your blogs! That's got to be a big plus hasn't it? I can never imagine that ever happening in this house!

    I really can't add anything to what has already been said. I'm here on the other end of an email or phone if you need to talk to someone equally as wobbly and confused as you sometimes are.

    Lots and lots of hugs

    Ami

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    1. LOL...well Ami, I'm not blaming Barney. In fact I certainly have much to account for in this section of disconnect myself. Perhaps way more.

      Thank you for your kind words and your generous offer. AND now you know, we are just as messed up as you- blog reading or not!

      hugs back,
      willie

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  28. You aren't a fraud! You have to make DD work for you guys your own way. You know that Willie. There's no wrong or right way, there is just whatever way works best for you two.

    much love
    sara

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  29. You share genuine feelings...you are very real...and I respect that and your words speak to me. Much of what you wrote in this post speaks to me. I never asked of my husband to be the HOH...I simply asked to be spanked for fun and for stress relief...the other aspects of TTWD live in a fantasy for me as they do not really seem to suit both our needs and yet I still long for the connection and the communication and the closeness TTWD has brought us. It has been six years for us...and we are moving slower than the slowest turtle sometimes - those times I often feel disconnect...and other times it seems like we are attached and wanting and reaching for each other and I again feel the connection...I am just started to accept that maybe the TTWD that is us is different than what is others TTWD and that it is okay and maybe it is not even always what I envision or hope for...but we keep moving forward and growing...and I just keep hoping together... :-) I am sorry I do not have any advice or words of wisdom to share...just to share my own experience... That and a hug! :-)

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