Monday, June 17, 2013

Until I 'Fix' Myself, Warning Anger Zone

I am angry.  Yup.  Turns out I still have things to work through.  I started to answer my comments on my last post when I realized they were coming out all wrong.  Well not so much wrong, just truthful.  However that would appear snippy, to those who commented and I am certainly not angry with any of you!

Barney had read my last post before I shared it with you.  I handed it over to him and went to bed.  When he came to bed later we talked about it in the dark.  He mentioned that he wasn't angry that I didn't submit to his 'request' but he was confused.  I can understand that.  He went on to say that he would rather misstep in the future on the dominant side, as opposed to do nothing at all. 

For those of you who have been 'with' us for the duration, you might recall me saying these very words to Barney over and over again months ago.  "Mistakes are better than inaction".  So why would I be angry about that?  Well I was put off because he focused primarily on that aspect of where the evening went wrong.  True, my post was mostly about how I felt about not submitting, but he didn't 'own up' if you will, or even discuss the reasoning behind WHY I felt I couldn't submit.

Sure you may think, the poor guy, 'Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't".  I'm not angry with his 'request' that night, truly I am not.  I am angry because I feel like I am talking and not being heard, again?  still?  Still perhaps.  Like I am talking into various types of phones.  Using different lines of communication, and yet no one is manning the switch board.


At the very least, once again our wires are crossed.  Yes, we did talk about dominance and techniques if you will to maintain this outside of spanking.  Or in between spankings.  After he read 2 posts back, he decided that night to basically throw ALL his dominance ideas into 'one pot'.  Causing this woman to stew.

Did I mention this to Barney at the time?  No I didn't.  I thought it was just something I had to work through.  Well that didn't work out too well either.  I began to get more frustrated.  Once again, I felt like I had to deal with my emotions on my own.  We both have had a great deal of external pressures tugging us in different directions.  His more overtly seen than mine.  The weekend was fast approaching and our pattern of ignoring the issues at hand began again.  What we had JUST discussed days earlier was appearing to happen again.



The opportunity to deal with this had presented itself. I had even commented on it. However no action was taken. He had joked about being alone and having sex. I told him I was SO not interested in that. He said he knew and we went out to do some errands. To say I was cold and distant would be an understatement. I'll spare you the details, most of you have been 'that person' on occasion.

 A day or two later in bed, I said to him that I was still angry with him, ( despite the fact that I eventually 'turned myself around' after a day and a half....because I'm so good that way...pffft). We talked a bit more about THAT day, not the spanking night. He told me that he knew I needed a spanking but wasn't going to go through with it because he was worried about the one spot ( which btw is fine) where my blister was.

 Once again I grew curt.

" Well it sure would have been nice if you COMMUNICATED that to me! All you have to do is communicate, and then I can work my head around it. Not leave me flapping in the wind.....AGAIN!"


" I guess you are right. I'm sorry"

So we moved on from that snafu.  Or so I thought.  But again there remains the trust issue.  The consistency of what is said and done is not there.   In my comment to Quiet Sara on my last post, I mentioned it feels like we are back to being in a car with a new driver, learning to drive a stick shift.  Some days we zooooooooom  forward, and then come to an abrupt stop.  This has been the case for us for quite some time.  I am truly getting a sore neck, ( yes and I'm sure some of you think I am a pain in Barney's neck).  But it is getting to the point, were before our discussion the other night, I was thinking of postponing ttwd until after the summer.  Because the whiplash is too much.

I would suppose to many of you this comment doesn't make too much sense based on what I have shared here with you as of late.   I am just tired.  Tired.  Stressed.  Anxious.   I feel like we are going to talk this out again, but things won't change.  Everything will be stuffed in the pot for a day, and then I will be left to work it out on my own again. 
 Is our relationship  better?  Sure it is, since before we started ttwd.  But often ttwd seems like an added stress to our world.
  We won't stop, or postpone anything.  But right now I'm just...GRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr.  And no it is now horror moans.  And NO it is not me going faster than Barney.  It is uncertainty.  Lack of  'trust'.  All due to communication breakdown.  But you know sometimes you just think, 'what on earth is the point ?'. 
Yet I will dust myself off and try again.  Eventually something will sink in for both of us.
And if that doesn't work....I can still become


Thursday, June 13, 2013

In Silence

I went to sleep sad last night, and woke up crying this morning.  You see I did get my second
spanking last night.  That isn't why I was sad.  I am sad because I feel like for the first real time I was challenged-  I was called upon me to do something I really didn't want to do, I failed miserably at it.   Well, last night I was asked to do a couple of things actually. 

I really didn't want to have a second spanking.  I was still so sore from the spanking I had earlier in the day.  I also knew it was going to be with something that was stingy.  I , like many HATE stingy.  Don't get me wrong, the fact that he was going to follow through, and the fact that I needed it were running through my head, but for the first time, outside of those reasons I really didn't want a spanking.

We all tease about me have a titanium butt-the length and severity of my spankings.  Tease because they are primarily r/a and Barney asks if I am okay constantly during them.  Ultimately I am still in control.  Last night I knew I could have ended it if I truly had to as well.  While I no longer bruise anymore,  my skin seems so much more sensitive.   This is especially true of the area where I had the blister.  Last night's spanking with the plastic, ( former coat hanger) crop hurt like Hell.  Sorry that is the only real adjective that works here.  I had an intense meeting with the heavy and light bath brush yesterday morning and the leather paddle to give me a break and 'thaw' the area between wooden implements.  That little strip of plastic on top hours later was almost too much.  Obviously it was not as I am here to talk about it....

I did try to slightly crawl away.  I held my breath and for the most part my tongue.  The first few minutes I let out some very quiet 'ouches'.  There was no way for me to cope with the pain, ie. my normal pain management skills.  I waited it out.  But in doing so it left me 100% exhausted by the end.  I'm sure many of you are in agreeance with me. 

This was truly a silent spanking.  The implement was silent.  I, for the most part was silent and most disturbingly Barney was silent.  Yes I most certainly did need this spanking to put me right, but I needed him I think.  I felt so alone during.  When you are struggling physically, and mentally, alone is not a helpful feeling. 

Anyway, after I wanted to snuggle and fall asleep.  Barney had already been discussing the fact that he was really warm before the spanking.  Apparently the repetitive arm action and his wife's body covering his lower portion of his did nothing to cool him off.  So instead of snuggling he draped my arm across his chest.  Essentially I was comforting him as there was no arm around me. 

After a while he became more dominant again.  Requesting me to disrobe further.  He then requested I do something, which I didn't want to.  I just wanted to be held and give in to my exhaustion.  I did finally comply after some coaxing.  After a little while he made another request I shook my head silently.  I just couldn't.  He said that was fine, but it wasn't.

This is what has made me sad.  I wrote my last post about follow through.  I wrote about my need for him to step up .  For me to feel his dominance, and the first time it is something I don't think I can do, I say no.  How is that fair?  How damaging that must have been.  Finally he tries and I say no.  Heck I couldn't even say no, I just shook my head !

There are many reasons for my reluctance.  The first being that the silent spanking made me feel like I was having something done TO me.  Yes, I know it really is something that is done to me, but there is a different feeling to it.  I have worked through things in my past, for the most part, and things being done, even consensual, to me instead of 'with' me is an issue.  An issue in the sense I put up walls faster than you could blast them down.  Only this time I didn't.  I remained vulnerable, and open, yet my comfort didn't come.  Please don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming Barney, he had no way of knowing for I became just as silent as he after.

The second, building on the first, having the feeling of things being done too me, does not bode well for me feeling connected by doing things to someone else either. What it does do is build resentment in me.  I did not want that.  I was vulnerable after and wanted to embrace that area for a while together I think now.  Now that I am away from the situation.

I wasn't trying to be defiant. I wasn't pouting or testing.  I wanted to be able to do what I was told.  To help strengthen his 'HOH' foundation.  For him asking me to do something in the bedroom is a huge leap outside of the box for him.  Yet I failed.  I didn't even have the war within.  I just said no.  I wasn't frozen.  I just really didn't want to.  I think I may have become resentful if I did.  I didn't want to turn the evening into that either.  I didn't resent Barney for asking/telling, he was doing this in part for my benefit.  Because I said I needed it.  He wasn't doing it selfishly ( although he'd certainly benefit *wink*).  This upset me further, and still does.  If only I could be angry or hurt.  I am not.  I am disappointed greatly in myself.


When given the 'It's fine",  I rolled over on my side to allow the much coveted sleep to wash over me.  Barney moved in behind me but didn't 'fit' in behind me as usual.  Of course there were probably a few reasons for that, the heat, and physical reasons.  Normally however, since starting ttwd, ( in good times anyway) he puts one arm under my pillow and the other over me.  This is huge for us because I was never a snuggler, and the weight of someone else's appendage on me was a true annoyance.  Now I hold his left thumb with my right hand as we fall asleep- holding his hand to sleep is too uncomfortable for me.  Well none of this happened last night. 

Did this bother me? No I don't think so, although one may question that as I have remembered and brought it up.  Did it further add to my alone feeling?  No I don't think so either.  I was too busy being upset with myself.  Eventually I did fall asleep, on a very stiff and sore lower half, but not before redressing after Barney fell asleep.  I couldn't seem to be naked and vulnerable at the same time.  The symbolism seemed too much.

This morning I woke as usual to a silent house.  I made my way downstairs to make coffee.  I had an appointment later in the morning and I tried to focus on that.  Unfortunately the tears began to silently fall.  Once again the BIG ones that crash to the floor, seemingly not touching your cheeks, yet you know they have as they have left a burning sensation in their wake.  There was no sobbing that led to hitching of my breath.  Just tears.

 Tears and the overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Sadness and disappointment in myself.  Sadness and a feeling of failure.  How can I ask him to be consistent when I can't even do one thing I said I would do?  Follow his lead in the bedroom.  How can I ask him to step outside his comfort zone time and time again, and the one time he asks me I say no?  And to be honest the action was not outside my comfort zone, just that night.  How can I tell him I want to be submissive to him, and yet when he tells me I say no?  What kind of messed up person writes about it hours before and then refuses?  Sending mixed signals and potentially damaging her husbands confidence in the  process?  After all shouldn't that have been the ultimate test of submission?  Doing something you don't think you can for your husband?  Yet I refused outright.

I wanted to crawl back into bed with my sleeping husband.  I wanted to put my head on his chest, cry and explain.  To say I was sorry.  To tell him even last night I appreciated what he was trying to do .  I wanted to express that I wasn't angry with him, or even hurt.  I was just basically floating around in my own head, and I hadn't processed. 

 I think I needed him to hold me to keep me from floating away, or to talk to me.  To make me talk to him.  Then maybe later I would have been in a better place.  Or actually been in *a* place.

Unfortunately time was not on my side.  I had to wake up the Spare, and get him on his way to school, make lunches.  All the regular routines of the morning.  The sadness was buried in interest of making our machine well oiled.  When Barney came down into the kitchen he was greeted by his wife, knowing she wanted to talk but the barrier was up. 

We spend a great deal of the morning together, even going to my appointment together.  The time never seemed right and he didn't engage in any discussion concerning the night before either.  Here I sit now, hours later, tears threatening to fall again, but just burning my eyes.  There is no way to talk as he is at work, but now I wouldn't know where to begin.  So I write.  I write and hope to have the courage to show him this tonight when he comes home.

I have to let him know that we both 'messed' up last night.  The only difference is how could he truly have known his part?  I wish he would have asked me last night, and hopefully the words would have managed to escape, but maybe they wouldn't have.  I have to let him know that although he played a part in our....our what?...our misadventure?  I am not, nor was I upset with him.  I harbor no ill feelings toward him concerning the silent spanking.  It was the catalyst for the confusion to come but he was right in issuing me another spanking last night.  The execution of it was off, but the reason for it remains the same nevertheless.

So here in silence I write.

I wrote this a couple of days ago.  It was for Barney, mostly.  I decided to share after a phone call with another ttwd wife.  I had shared it with her, and she had thought it would be helpful.  I have talked to at least 3 women in the past few months who have gone through similar situations and the confusion of intimacy after the fact.  So I decided to share...not sure if it helps, but here it is anyway.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Wilma. Gepetto ? Is there a difference?

Well, while some of you are off using your cute little hands to make puppets,

(Susie and Stormy get first pick...the rest of you can fight for the remaining)
It would appear I am back to my old tricks....
Don't get me wrong, life around this cave has been pretty good.  We went out this weekend with friends and heard some great music. On Friday I managed to get a good chunk of my volunteer work done.  I also managed to clean out and plant my gardens.  *I* I*I*...No I don't mean *I* was the only one working. I mean of the things I just listed, the majority were about me.  That is how I have been viewing things I suppose.  Maybe I didn't rein myself back in as much as I thought I had before the weekend. 
Truthfully I didn't give ttwd much thought over the weekend.  I didn't have to.  I was alone during the day and we were with others at night.  When the waitress came to ask me if I'd like another drink, I tried to grab Barney's attention to see if it was okay, ( again NOT a rule), but he didn't notice.  Me being me however, in his defence, was probably too subtle.
( oh side note...detour...funny antidote...We were out with friends Dan and Roseanne.  Dan is an alpha male ALL the way.  Anyway, the waitress came by and he mentioned that we had been going to the bar because we didn't know there was a server in this section.  He wasn't chastising her, he was more apologizing.  She made some comment about coming back much sooner.  When she returned he didn't require another drink, so she said something and left.  He joked about getting great service.  I pointed out to him that only the first time did she say she was going to be back sooner, not the second, and seeing how he didn't order anything the second time, it will be a longer wait now.  He laughed and said,
 " You are probably right.  That is because all servers are sassy and should be spanked.  ( I used to be a server in a previous life) AND YOU would have been FIRST on my list! " ( pfft)
Then I kid you not, he proceeded to tell us about this 'new' drink he made that required a banana.  The conversation revolved around bananas for about 10 minutes.  I seriously was rendered speechless at the ridiculous predicament I basically placed myself in!)
okay back to the

I have a mammogram appointment tomorrow morning. Nothing serious just a baseline for the old, boobless girl.  Barney pointed that out to me, ( via my note on the fridge *wink*).  Anyway, the day after tomorrow our Heir to the Throne is all but done school for this year.  He has a couple of exams but that is it.  In addition to that we have two 'Leave Taking' Ceremonies to attend to the following week as The Spare and the The Spare's Spare, are moving on.  Going to another school. One high school , one middle school ( for a grand total of 2 years and then we Leave Take again! sigh) .  Basically, no guaranteed alone time.   Up until about two minutes into this conversation, I wasn't feeling 'spinny' at all.  But there was something brewing, as I suppose I wouldn't have started this conversation otherwise.

" So what are your plans for today"  ( preparing to tie the strings to his appendages)

Insert Charlie Brown and the Peanuts parental voices here, because whatever he was saying had nothing to do with bananas ( ie spanking for those who cheated and didn't read my last post).

  I started to fret/get angry.  Sigh- NOT because I actually WANTED a banana/spanking, ( okay from now on you should know!) but because I wanted him to _remember_ what we talk about.   Recap~  it has been said that before every weekend and right after as soon as possible Barney would give me a R/A spanking.  This is due to the fact that I am pretty much the CONTROL Monster when dealing with the boys.  It has also been decided ( by him ) that I will not go for an entire week without because he knows I need his physical reminder that he 'has' this.  IN addition to that when the monthly, uninvited guest returns ( like last week) he said he would amp up the submission exercises to remind me that we are still connected, and despite not being able to express it in ways he wants to, he hasn't forgotten about us and D/s ( for lack of a better acronym here).

I calmly, stated,
" You do realize that today is the last day we will basically have alone ALL summer now right?" 

(attaching the strings to the little wooden X -....just call me Gepetto)


He asked what I was talking about and I explained.   A few minutes later he told me to meet him upstairs, ( FYI that was something he said he was going to stop doing, leaving it up to me when to go steps)
By the time I got to our room all of the things I mentioned above were echoing around in my head.  I was stewing.  Barney started the conversation off with his approval of my thong commenting on how he was surprised that I wasn't wearing more coverage-even though I always wear a thong at 'that' time, so bananas are consistant..(.he NEVER lets me keep my underwear on the other 3 weeks) so all of this just added to my stewing.  He began to spank and talk about me being anxious about the summer.  He told me not to worry about that.  It was his job to control that, and that he would make the time, although it would be more spontaneous ( like that is a bad thing?) .  However in my mind I was thinking...
" You can't even keep up with what you said when the boys AREN'T around..."
It is funny no matter how many times we talk about it with each other (bloggers).  No matter how damaging we know it is to the HOH building blocks of our husbands.  No matter how much, we still revert back to not trusting them in areas where they have faltered in the past.  This goes far beyond ttwd.  Past hurts may be forgiven, but not forgotten.  One might argue then,  that they aren't truly forgiven if the mistakes are not forgotten.  I suppose.  I am so guilty of this.  Barney knows this.  He , being the man that he is, blames himself for letting me down, therefore contributing to me not having trust in him in this particular area.   Well that is all well and good, but it doesn't change facts does it? 
Okay, well I guess you can gather by that last statement the spanking was a resounding success!  So much so Barney has 'declared' that tonight we will be revisiting this issue.
Honestly I am not trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  I sincerely am not trying to be difficult.   I can see all the good that has been happening in our relationship.  Truly I can.  I guess this area is my weakness.  My Achilles heel .   My most vulnerable area... Dramatic much?  This is the area of trust where I suffer greatest in.  I feel that despite being 'in hand', a  little like this guy...
I would prefer to be like this

Yes I know it looks like it is squawking ...but let's be realistic here people!

Sadly though without this...

I turn into this....
So to prevent that, I turn into this...
 I suppose the question is, will Barney 'require' me to 'remind' him forever or will he shed his strings for good like this guy?

Friday, June 7, 2013

Really? This is a post? bwhahaa...

I just wanted to share a few things that really have stuck with me.  I swear I keep my face book account just to get things for my blog!  But before that I suppose I should update a bit.

Last week was interesting and NOT all at the same time.  How is that possible?  Well life is NEVER boring with 3 hormonal teenage or preteen boys, a bipolar dog on thyroid medication, and well....ME ( I think that last point is pretty self explanatory right?).

In Barney's line of work his days off rarely fall on the weekend.  For years that used to bother both of us, as we have a very active social life, ( I know shocking for a wallflower such as myself).  I of course, would still fill the void in our friend's lives by attending, but Barney would be hard at work.  Never ONCE did he complain or resent me going.  Anyway, now we cherish our times off during the week together BECAUSE there is no social functions we feel obligated to attend.  If I do go to any, I make sure I am home in time to see him walk through the door if possible.  Another added benefit, our darling three sons are at school during the week!

This week his days off fell in the middle of the week.  I don't 'work' outside of our home but in the summer time I do volunteer my time in our community.  Over time the committee I used to head has now become ONE and her willing/ not so willing  husband.  NO, no I didn't scare people off, or at least I don't think I did, I was just a" I've got this" girl, so they let me.  Now no one even asks anymore to help.  So I had all this 'work' I needed to do.  All of it relies heavily on what the weather conditions are like.  I am not sure about where you live, but this year where I live I think we had summer for 4 days.  Ah, it was grand!  This week we saw a glimpse of summer on Barney's first day off.  Whooo hooo!  Oh I so much to do, and he could help.  Only I suggested we NOT do what I needed to do.  We spend it together doing fun things..

In an unrelated event, Barney had r/a or maintainace planned for that day too. We took care of that first.  I alluded to a blister I had had in my last post.  Barney was mindful of my healing area.  The spanking was ouchy, but never once did I scream in my head " okay you can just about stop now"  or did I clench the covers of my bed.  I did feel myself  starting to drift towards the 'subspace' again, but pulled myself back. Why you ask?  I think I don't like not being in control.  Okay I KNOW I don't like not being in control but especially with my body. 

After my spanking I didn't feel any different.  I began to wonder.  Did it 'work'?  For those who don't know, I am usually the one who has to wait an hour before my brain gets the message that my bum was part of a reset action.  Nope an hour later, while any anxiety I had was a distant memory, I didn't 'feel' any different.  Well obviously my BUM did, but I didn't.   After pondering for a while....

and talking to a friend, I came to the conclusion that I didn't feel any different because I was truly maintained.  In the past Barney as waited for me to distance, which I have also come to the conclusion in my case can be a form of a silent temper tantrum, before he steps in.  This time r/a was scheduled at a very fortuitous time. 

During our last cook together night, while we were -stuffing our faces with stuffed mushrooms- , enjoying our appetizers I had retrieved a beer for Barney from the fridge and poured in a frosty mug as they weren't that cold.  He asked me if I was going to join him in a drink. I chose a hard cider ( zip it Lucy!).  My drink was cold so there really was no need for a frosty mug.  Before sitting down, I asked him if he wanted me to pour mine in a glass.

" No.  Why would I want you to do that?  It is cold enough for you isn't it? "

" Oh yeah, I don't know ?  I guess I thought I may seem a little 'rough'.  You know your wife drinking from a bottle ?" ( Don't get me wrong here people I have been drinking beer, coolers, cider, pop ( oops pardon my Canadian... soda)  from a can or bottle for years.  We camp, garden, play sports,all while enjoying a beverage, so it just makes sense. )

After a few minutes of sitting and chatting Barney, who had been staring at me for quite some time  said,

" You know what?  Yes.  Yes I think I would like you to pour that in a glass"

LOL!  I think it is just one of those things that makes us appear 'softer'.  On his day off when were were on our postage stamp deck, I went to get myself a drink, I asked again if he wanted me to pour it in a glass.  This time there was NO hesitation.

" Yes I would . Thank you"

Alrighty then, no need to ask anymore I guess.  *wink*

We had a wonderful dinner on his day off and a mini fire ( no Roz our backyard was not ablaze!) after. I brought up one of our camping lounge chairs, that was actually broken..oops.  We rigged it to work, and I lay on him in my nighty under a blanket as we talked and looked at our fire.  I soon fell asleep.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, it was great to have my mechanic maintain me.

HOWEVER.....two days later.....I was getting 'spinny' as Susie would say.  I still get anxious when I know we are not going to be alone for any length of time.  The boys have a 3 day weekend....then our oldest will be done school.  I am the type that apparently needs marathon reconnection appointments ( spankings) to get through my thick skull.  While we have silent implements, a leather looping Johnny from John at Leather Thorn

they are stingy and don't seem to 'reach' me like the wooden paddles do.   Something that is a little too loud to use when the boys are home.  You see Betsy may live in a shoe, but Willie lives in a shoebox!   ( Side note about the leather paddles, they are beautifully made, reasonably priced and Barney uses the leather paddle with the wooden one from Blondie's to mix it up)

Sorry.  Where was I ? Oh so while driving with Barney to work, he asked me what was wrong.  I curtly answered nothing, I was just in a bad mood.  Before getting out, he said,

" Well if your mood hasn't changed, by the time I am done work, maybe I can help you out with that when I get home if you want.  Okay? "  (tyrant!)

All day I was at a loss.  Did I want to be spanked?  Well actually I hate being spanked when the boys are home at night, because in my experience really doesn't help that much.  Did I need to be spanked? I'll let you figure that out on your own.  I wasn't feeling well so I really didn't want to do anything but go to bed when he got home.  BUT part of me did want him to get back into the practice of spanking when the boys are home, because summer break is just around the corner.  There was also a large part of me that was afraid I would think he would decide he wasn't going to after I had made my mind up that I needed/wanted to...and that would send me spiralling.  No I wasn't going to think about it, or bring it up.   As it turns out by the time I picked him up from work I was exhausted.  So it was the furthest thing from my mind.  Nothing was said, and no disappointment was had.  Do I still feel spinny?  I think a little, but I can make it until Monday I suppose. 

I was spinny during the day because I was thinking of how we discussed not going too many days without...but it looks like we are back to that pattern.  I was thinking about how he said a while ago that before the weekend we would do r/a ( because I generally deal with teenage boys and their social lives alone all weekend ie. CONTROL) and a reset after the weekend to remind me I don't have to be in control, and how this has only happened once.  I remembered how we discussed how I was 3 steps ahead in planning and he was the right now kind of guy when it came to ttwd.  So some habits are hard to break.  That being said, somehow I managed to rein myself in.....

AND....I reminded myself while cleaning snail dust out of my eyes once again that....

And now my ultimate favourite quote, by my third favourite dyslexic.....

***  Susie and I use the code name Banana for spankings.  I thought I would share because it can be quite funny and well it BUGS Lucy.  You should try it...Like, " You deserve a good girl banana tonight"
" I guess that banana you had last night wasn't long enough...."
" Don't look at me with those, you are going to get a banana if you don't stop eyes!"
So  I found these at Old Navy the other day if anyone wants to send a message to their husbands that they need a little 'help'

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Attracting More Flies With Honey!

I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment on my last post.  Well comment, email, phoned, texted, offered their phone numbers, face booked.... Some comments were almost as long as the post !  I am serious though, it meant so much.  I know everyone is busy this time of year.  I can tell by the considerable 'inaction' in blogland.  I honestly didn't think I would generate so much support and understanding from you all.  I know, I know, why am I surprised? 

I shall answer the comments on my last post soon, I promise!

When I said I felt like a fraud, I by no means meant that I thought you would consider me one.  I know the people here are first and foremost kind and understanding.  It was just how I have been feeling for a while now.

 You know the entire blogging process is quite something.  When I first started blogging I needed to write almost every day.  I had to sort things out in my mind.  Posts would literally rattle around in there until they showed up here.  ( Lucky you guys ) .  As time went on, I started to share my struggles even when I didn't feel like writing because it was suggested that others may take comfort in knowing they are not alone.   I then went through a phase where I was hurt, and I didn't want to share with anyone, and that unfortunately trickled into my marriage,( I don't recommend this line of action).  There was also the fear of writing about the same thing over and over again. 

The one thing I have learned is the landscape of Blogland certainly changes over the span of half a year.  People who were here back in October may be gone, ( Emma, Cowgirl, Nikki...and well now Pocahontas, I miss your comments in Blogland) and other bloggers come and go from commenting on your blog.  But what hasn't changed is the wonderful support that is offered when people are in a tough spot.  Amazing.  Truly amazing.

Okay now

The day that I sat down to write my last post, the words just came flying out.  As did the tears.  I sat there with a box of Kleenex, ( tissues ) and discarded ones balled up beside me on the couch.  The only thing that was missing was a tub of ice cream or a package of cookie dough, and I could have been in a cheesy B rated Romantic Comedy.  Barney came down into the living room where I was sitting and asked me if I was sick, ( the tears had stopped but the tissues remained).  When I had replied no he said

" Tomorrow afternoon when I get back from the vet, ( no cracks on Canadian Health Care, we have a dog) you and I are going to reconnect".  I said okay and that was about it. 

The next day Barney blistered my butt.  LITERALLY blistered...sigh and OUCH.  We have yet another new wooden implement that is very ouchy!  He told me how 'good' I was over the weekend cottage trip with our friends, and that was that.  He hadn't read my post, but later we were talking,( as predicted) once again about bringing ttwd into the forefront.  When I was OTK, he mentioned something about being back there on Tuesday on his day off.  This angered me.  It angered me because, well it was a week away, and he knows I don't do well with that, but more then that it angered me because it appeared we were getting back into the 'every 8 days' routine.  So I told him.    He explained how he said that because he wants me to know that he hasn't forgotten and we WILL be doing r/a then for sure.  He didn't mean that if necessary it wouldn't happen earlier.

 I later gave him examples of things others do as submission exercises.  NOT that he should do them, but to give him ideas.  I ran the entire gamete of things others do from D/s to almost BDSM...

Before he left for work that day he asked if we could have a Cook Together Night the Saturday night. 

(This picture with the moose was chosen for my favourite Mountain HOH.  wink)

This made me extremely sad, for lack of a better work.  You see I introduced Cook Together Night before ttwd in order to connect.  We did it at least twice a month for months on end.  We had stopped some time ago and you know what?  I hadn't even noticed.  That is what made me so sad.  Something we both enjoyed doing, we stopped and I hadn't even noticed.   I started to think about all of this, and what it really meant.  I started to think about other things I had stopped doing, ( and yes this does sound a lot like Blue Bird's post....we both came to the same realization last week and even discussed it...the stinker beat me to the post on the post about it

Often I say to Barney that," I just want to 'make the list'."

 Meaning, I just want him to think about me, ( I know he does, but show it) during the day. Only lately I haven't been showing him.  Sure I have been deferring and all that jazz, ( I know you can practically SEE the submission dripping off of me) but I haven't been 'building him up' in other ways.  Well THAT was going to change.   I said to Blue Bird that I was going to go back and read my older posts too, (that is what she was doing).   It turns out I didn't need to.  I started to remember what I used to do.  Little things, but very important it would appear.

I was talking to another friend who felt like she was in the same boat as I was.  When I mentioned Barney asking about Cook Together Night, she said that was nice but too bad he asked and didn't tell me.  The thing is, that isn't Barney's style.  His way of telling me something is to put into a question.  At least it is for now.  Also when it is 'suggested' I do specific 'chores' usually I give him a verbal list of things I hope to accomplish and he says to do 'this' one.  Some days, it isn't THAT one I think is important enough to start with, but I comply.  These things are to keep us in our roles at our house.  Does that make him less HoHy?  Only if I perceive it that way.   I prefer to think that makes him my HoH and this is his style.  Personally I believe that  if I chose to be upset with his delivery, we would never get this thing off of the ground.  He is not going to bark orders at me. That is not his style.  He has several employees under him and well he is a firm believer in,


When I said last week I was comparing myself to other bloggers, I should have clarified better.  I don't read on a daily basis and think , I wish we were there.  That ship has sailed LONG ago.  What I meant was, when I am feeling like we are not in a good place as far as ttwd goes, the comparison, timeline thing is the cherry on top of my anxiety sundae.  It generally isn't in my day to day thoughts by any means.

Right, okay so this has a strawberry on top, but I don't care for cherries and this is my ttwd sundae!
I think that for those of us who don't have a husband that screams out dominance, or those of us who have husbands who have been conditioned to 'behave' a certain way, we must really choose our words and actions carefully.  I will just talk about my observations in my relationship as I sort of detest people telling me WHAT is right and wrong as this is ttwd...
  I think of building a fire,( um no bum/spanking references please).  You strike a match and add it to a little bit of paper and small twigs.  You blow on it perhaps, to allow it to grow. 
 This is what, ( I think) doing these little things for our husbands do.  Little less obvious signs of Submission.  At the start Barney wouldn't 'tell' me to do a specific thing on a specific day.  I started with,
" Is there anything specific you would like to see get done around here today? "
Initially his answer was " No I can't think of anything"
So I would say something like,  " Well I was thinking of X, Y or Z.  Do you have any preference as to what gets finished today?" 
Eventually, over time  he would say " Z"  instead of "No" and I would make darn sure I did it.  Not because  he was going to punish me, just because I wanted him to see that if he said something I would do it. As time went on, a long time, he started to say,
" What do you have planned for today?" 
 I would say," X, Y, Z" and he would say,
 " Oh okay well can you make sure Z gets done"....(stupid Z).  Now sometimes he comes up with,
 " Well I'd like you to do Q today instead"  or more recently he hasn't asked me what my plans are he has said,
" Can you make sure to do V today before I get home?"
Yes he is 'asking' not telling if you want to get technical, but he is telling in his way.  Do I think I will be punished if I don't?  Not in the physical sense. What I will do is potentially damage the progress we have made if I don't breath air onto our little fire. 
 At the start of ttwd, and for what seemed like forever after, I was upset because I would see a little fire going and then want him to throw a log on it!  Lets get this heat going to warm up every aspect of our lives.  Only I realized that doesn't work.  It puts the fire completely out.  Now we build it slowly adding more twigs and breathing on it. 
At times we forget to add the twigs and the fire dwindles, but you know what?  underneath, the coals are still there. 
 We both just have to blow on them and start putting the smaller twigs back on the fire.

(Boy wouldn't it be great to have a can of lighter fluid and pour it on and 'get this party started?'. Lots of heat right away, but potential explosions, singed eyebrows, and blech the smell!)

Most recently this is what has happened to us....I felt a disconnect between us and I thought the fire was out, it wasn't.  Sure I wasn't feeling the warmth of ttwd, but the coals were still there.  We just needed to tend to them again.  We were both frozen and we each were hoping the other would thaw us out. 
Turns out someone has to be the one to blow first and put a twig, or ten down to get the fire going again.  The great thing about having the coals is each time the fire dwindles down, if we are willing to put twigs back on, it takes less and less time for the fire to build again! Our bed of coals is becoming larger after each stumble.
We are working our way back to the warmth.  I mean with the feelings that arise when practicing ttwd, not so much the physical. 
However THAT was brought up for the first time last night too.  Sheesh.  I almost got spanked for coming to bed later then he asked.  Well um, that is new.  Before you think I was testing or bratting, he had said, " How about you come upstairs in 10 minutes ?"
I was chatting with a friend.  I agreed. Unfortunately another friend chimed in as I was shutting off the computer, I explained that I was just leaving. By the time I slipped into bed it was 16 minutes. ( apparently) since he asked me to come upstairs.  Since I was only 2 minutes late coming upstairs and that is what he really 'asked' for I wasn't going to get spanked....
In my mind this was going on....
Um say what?  Did you just basically say you had planned on spanking me if I was 'late'?  Seriously.??? I mean sure other people have bedtimes, or are sent to bed, but this was kind of new.....and like right to the spanking thing?  I did say some of this to him.  Mostly,
"Seriously?  You are serious about this?"
 Anyway he assured me through my giggles and his chuckles that he was serious and that he  already had the silent implement beside him should I have taken much longer......Okay then!  Fire is apparently shooting off sparks. Or he's found a flamethrower for the time being!
When I asked him this morning why he was so HoHy last night, he just shrugged his shoulders, smiled and said,
" Just trying"
I really does work both ways :)
Cautiously optimistic is my motto again!