I shall answer the comments on my last post soon, I promise!
When I said I felt like a fraud, I by no means meant that I thought you would consider me one. I know the people here are first and foremost kind and understanding. It was just how I have been feeling for a while now.
You know the entire blogging process is quite something. When I first started blogging I needed to write almost every day. I had to sort things out in my mind. Posts would literally rattle around in there until they showed up here. ( Lucky you guys ) . As time went on, I started to share my struggles even when I didn't feel like writing because it was suggested that others may take comfort in knowing they are not alone. I then went through a phase where I was hurt, and I didn't want to share with anyone, and that unfortunately trickled into my marriage,( I don't recommend this line of action). There was also the fear of writing about the same thing over and over again.
The one thing I have learned is the landscape of Blogland certainly changes over the span of half a year. People who were here back in October may be gone, ( Emma, Cowgirl, Nikki...and well now Pocahontas, I miss your comments in Blogland) and other bloggers come and go from commenting on your blog. But what hasn't changed is the wonderful support that is offered when people are in a tough spot. Amazing. Truly amazing.
The day that I sat down to write my last post, the words just came flying out. As did the tears. I sat there with a box of Kleenex, ( tissues ) and discarded ones balled up beside me on the couch. The only thing that was missing was a tub of ice cream or a package of cookie dough, and I could have been in a cheesy B rated Romantic Comedy. Barney came down into the living room where I was sitting and asked me if I was sick, ( the tears had stopped but the tissues remained). When I had replied no he said
" Tomorrow afternoon when I get back from the vet, ( no cracks on Canadian Health Care, we have a dog) you and I are going to reconnect". I said okay and that was about it.
The next day Barney blistered my butt. LITERALLY blistered...sigh and OUCH. We have yet another new wooden implement that is very ouchy! He told me how 'good' I was over the weekend cottage trip with our friends, and that was that. He hadn't read my post, but later we were talking,( as predicted) once again about bringing ttwd into the forefront. When I was OTK, he mentioned something about being back there on Tuesday on his day off. This angered me. It angered me because, well it was a week away, and he knows I don't do well with that, but more then that it angered me because it appeared we were getting back into the 'every 8 days' routine. So I told him. He explained how he said that because he wants me to know that he hasn't forgotten and we WILL be doing r/a then for sure. He didn't mean that if necessary it wouldn't happen earlier.
I later gave him examples of things others do as submission exercises. NOT that he should do them, but to give him ideas. I ran the entire gamete of things others do from D/s to almost BDSM...
Before he left for work that day he asked if we could have a Cook Together Night the Saturday night.
(This picture with the moose was chosen for my favourite Mountain HOH. wink)
This made me extremely sad, for lack of a better work. You see I introduced Cook Together Night before ttwd in order to connect. We did it at least twice a month for months on end. We had stopped some time ago and you know what? I hadn't even noticed. That is what made me so sad. Something we both enjoyed doing, we stopped and I hadn't even noticed. I started to think about all of this, and what it really meant. I started to think about other things I had stopped doing, ( and yes this does sound a lot like Blue Bird's post....we both came to the same realization last week and even discussed it...the stinker beat me to the post on the post about it though..lol).
Often I say to Barney that," I just want to 'make the list'."
Meaning, I just want him to think about me, ( I know he does, but show it) during the day. Only lately I haven't been showing him. Sure I have been deferring and all that jazz, ( I know you can practically SEE the submission dripping off of me) but I haven't been 'building him up' in other ways. Well THAT was going to change. I said to Blue Bird that I was going to go back and read my older posts too, (that is what she was doing). It turns out I didn't need to. I started to remember what I used to do. Little things, but very important it would appear.
I was talking to another friend who felt like she was in the same boat as I was. When I mentioned Barney asking about Cook Together Night, she said that was nice but too bad he asked and didn't tell me. The thing is, that isn't Barney's style. His way of telling me something is to put into a question. At least it is for now. Also when it is 'suggested' I do specific 'chores' usually I give him a verbal list of things I hope to accomplish and he says to do 'this' one. Some days, it isn't THAT one I think is important enough to start with, but I comply. These things are to keep us in our roles at our house. Does that make him less HoHy? Only if I perceive it that way. I prefer to think that makes him my HoH and this is his style. Personally I believe that if I chose to be upset with his delivery, we would never get this thing off of the ground. He is not going to bark orders at me. That is not his style. He has several employees under him and well he is a firm believer in,
When I said last week I was comparing myself to other bloggers, I should have clarified better. I don't read on a daily basis and think , I wish we were there. That ship has sailed LONG ago. What I meant was, when I am feeling like we are not in a good place as far as ttwd goes, the comparison, timeline thing is the cherry on top of my anxiety sundae. It generally isn't in my day to day thoughts by any means.
Right, okay so this has a strawberry on top, but I don't care for cherries and this is my ttwd sundae!
I think that for those of us who don't have a husband that screams out dominance, or those of us who have husbands who have been conditioned to 'behave' a certain way, we must really choose our words and actions carefully. I will just talk about my observations in my relationship as I sort of detest people telling me WHAT is right and wrong as this is ttwd...
I think of building a fire,( um no bum/spanking references please). You strike a match and add it to a little bit of paper and small twigs. You blow on it perhaps, to allow it to grow.
This is what, ( I think) doing these little things for our husbands do. Little less obvious signs of Submission. At the start Barney wouldn't 'tell' me to do a specific thing on a specific day. I started with,
" Is there anything specific you would like to see get done around here today? "
Initially his answer was " No I can't think of anything"
So I would say something like, " Well I was thinking of X, Y or Z. Do you have any preference as to what gets finished today?"
Eventually, over time he would say " Z" instead of "No" and I would make darn sure I did it. Not because he was going to punish me, just because I wanted him to see that if he said something I would do it. As time went on, a long time, he started to say,
" What do you have planned for today?"
I would say," X, Y, Z" and he would say,
" Oh okay well can you make sure Z gets done"....(stupid Z). Now sometimes he comes up with,
" Well I'd like you to do Q today instead" or more recently he hasn't asked me what my plans are he has said,
" Can you make sure to do V today before I get home?"
Yes he is 'asking' not telling if you want to get technical, but he is telling in his way. Do I think I will be punished if I don't? Not in the physical sense. What I will do is potentially damage the progress we have made if I don't breath air onto our little fire.
At the start of ttwd, and for what seemed like forever after, I was upset because I would see a little fire going and then want him to throw a log on it! Lets get this heat going to warm up every aspect of our lives. Only I realized that doesn't work. It puts the fire completely out. Now we build it slowly adding more twigs and breathing on it.
At times we forget to add the twigs and the fire dwindles, but you know what? underneath, the coals are still there.
We both just have to blow on them and start putting the smaller twigs back on the fire.
(Boy wouldn't it be great to have a can of lighter fluid and pour it on and 'get this party started?'. Lots of heat right away, but potential explosions, singed eyebrows, and blech the smell!)
Most recently this is what has happened to us....I felt a disconnect between us and I thought the fire was out, it wasn't. Sure I wasn't feeling the warmth of ttwd, but the coals were still there. We just needed to tend to them again. We were both frozen and we each were hoping the other would thaw us out.
Turns out someone has to be the one to blow first and put a twig, or ten down to get the fire going again. The great thing about having the coals is each time the fire dwindles down, if we are willing to put twigs back on, it takes less and less time for the fire to build again! Our bed of coals is becoming larger after each stumble.
We are working our way back to the warmth. I mean with the feelings that arise when practicing ttwd, not so much the physical.
However THAT was brought up for the first time last night too. Sheesh. I almost got spanked for coming to bed later then he asked. Well um, that is new. Before you think I was testing or bratting, he had said, " How about you come upstairs in 10 minutes ?"
I was chatting with a friend. I agreed. Unfortunately another friend chimed in as I was shutting off the computer, I explained that I was just leaving. By the time I slipped into bed it was 16 minutes. ( apparently) since he asked me to come upstairs. Since I was only 2 minutes late coming upstairs and that is what he really 'asked' for I wasn't going to get spanked....
In my mind this was going on....
Um say what? Did you just basically say you had planned on spanking me if I was 'late'? Seriously.??? I mean sure other people have bedtimes, or are sent to bed, but this was kind of new.....and like right to the spanking thing? I did say some of this to him. Mostly,
"Seriously? You are serious about this?"
Anyway he assured me through my giggles and his chuckles that he was serious and that he already had the silent implement beside him should I have taken much longer......Okay then! Fire is apparently shooting off sparks. Or he's found a flamethrower for the time being!
When I asked him this morning why he was so HoHy last night, he just shrugged his shoulders, smiled and said,
" Just trying"
I really does work both ways :)
Cautiously optimistic is my motto again!