Thursday, June 13, 2013

In Silence

I went to sleep sad last night, and woke up crying this morning.  You see I did get my second
spanking last night.  That isn't why I was sad.  I am sad because I feel like for the first real time I was challenged-  I was called upon me to do something I really didn't want to do, I failed miserably at it.   Well, last night I was asked to do a couple of things actually. 

I really didn't want to have a second spanking.  I was still so sore from the spanking I had earlier in the day.  I also knew it was going to be with something that was stingy.  I , like many HATE stingy.  Don't get me wrong, the fact that he was going to follow through, and the fact that I needed it were running through my head, but for the first time, outside of those reasons I really didn't want a spanking.

We all tease about me have a titanium butt-the length and severity of my spankings.  Tease because they are primarily r/a and Barney asks if I am okay constantly during them.  Ultimately I am still in control.  Last night I knew I could have ended it if I truly had to as well.  While I no longer bruise anymore,  my skin seems so much more sensitive.   This is especially true of the area where I had the blister.  Last night's spanking with the plastic, ( former coat hanger) crop hurt like Hell.  Sorry that is the only real adjective that works here.  I had an intense meeting with the heavy and light bath brush yesterday morning and the leather paddle to give me a break and 'thaw' the area between wooden implements.  That little strip of plastic on top hours later was almost too much.  Obviously it was not as I am here to talk about it....

I did try to slightly crawl away.  I held my breath and for the most part my tongue.  The first few minutes I let out some very quiet 'ouches'.  There was no way for me to cope with the pain, ie. my normal pain management skills.  I waited it out.  But in doing so it left me 100% exhausted by the end.  I'm sure many of you are in agreeance with me. 

This was truly a silent spanking.  The implement was silent.  I, for the most part was silent and most disturbingly Barney was silent.  Yes I most certainly did need this spanking to put me right, but I needed him I think.  I felt so alone during.  When you are struggling physically, and mentally, alone is not a helpful feeling. 



Anyway, after I wanted to snuggle and fall asleep.  Barney had already been discussing the fact that he was really warm before the spanking.  Apparently the repetitive arm action and his wife's body covering his lower portion of his did nothing to cool him off.  So instead of snuggling he draped my arm across his chest.  Essentially I was comforting him as there was no arm around me. 

After a while he became more dominant again.  Requesting me to disrobe further.  He then requested I do something, which I didn't want to.  I just wanted to be held and give in to my exhaustion.  I did finally comply after some coaxing.  After a little while he made another request I shook my head silently.  I just couldn't.  He said that was fine, but it wasn't.

This is what has made me sad.  I wrote my last post about follow through.  I wrote about my need for him to step up .  For me to feel his dominance, and the first time it is something I don't think I can do, I say no.  How is that fair?  How damaging that must have been.  Finally he tries and I say no.  Heck I couldn't even say no, I just shook my head !

There are many reasons for my reluctance.  The first being that the silent spanking made me feel like I was having something done TO me.  Yes, I know it really is something that is done to me, but there is a different feeling to it.  I have worked through things in my past, for the most part, and things being done, even consensual, to me instead of 'with' me is an issue.  An issue in the sense I put up walls faster than you could blast them down.  Only this time I didn't.  I remained vulnerable, and open, yet my comfort didn't come.  Please don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming Barney, he had no way of knowing for I became just as silent as he after.

The second, building on the first, having the feeling of things being done too me, does not bode well for me feeling connected by doing things to someone else either. What it does do is build resentment in me.  I did not want that.  I was vulnerable after and wanted to embrace that area for a while together I think now.  Now that I am away from the situation.

I wasn't trying to be defiant. I wasn't pouting or testing.  I wanted to be able to do what I was told.  To help strengthen his 'HOH' foundation.  For him asking me to do something in the bedroom is a huge leap outside of the box for him.  Yet I failed.  I didn't even have the war within.  I just said no.  I wasn't frozen.  I just really didn't want to.  I think I may have become resentful if I did.  I didn't want to turn the evening into that either.  I didn't resent Barney for asking/telling, he was doing this in part for my benefit.  Because I said I needed it.  He wasn't doing it selfishly ( although he'd certainly benefit *wink*).  This upset me further, and still does.  If only I could be angry or hurt.  I am not.  I am disappointed greatly in myself.

 

When given the 'It's fine",  I rolled over on my side to allow the much coveted sleep to wash over me.  Barney moved in behind me but didn't 'fit' in behind me as usual.  Of course there were probably a few reasons for that, the heat, and physical reasons.  Normally however, since starting ttwd, ( in good times anyway) he puts one arm under my pillow and the other over me.  This is huge for us because I was never a snuggler, and the weight of someone else's appendage on me was a true annoyance.  Now I hold his left thumb with my right hand as we fall asleep- holding his hand to sleep is too uncomfortable for me.  Well none of this happened last night. 

Did this bother me? No I don't think so, although one may question that as I have remembered and brought it up.  Did it further add to my alone feeling?  No I don't think so either.  I was too busy being upset with myself.  Eventually I did fall asleep, on a very stiff and sore lower half, but not before redressing after Barney fell asleep.  I couldn't seem to be naked and vulnerable at the same time.  The symbolism seemed too much.

This morning I woke as usual to a silent house.  I made my way downstairs to make coffee.  I had an appointment later in the morning and I tried to focus on that.  Unfortunately the tears began to silently fall.  Once again the BIG ones that crash to the floor, seemingly not touching your cheeks, yet you know they have as they have left a burning sensation in their wake.  There was no sobbing that led to hitching of my breath.  Just tears.




 Tears and the overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Sadness and disappointment in myself.  Sadness and a feeling of failure.  How can I ask him to be consistent when I can't even do one thing I said I would do?  Follow his lead in the bedroom.  How can I ask him to step outside his comfort zone time and time again, and the one time he asks me I say no?  And to be honest the action was not outside my comfort zone, just that night.  How can I tell him I want to be submissive to him, and yet when he tells me I say no?  What kind of messed up person writes about it hours before and then refuses?  Sending mixed signals and potentially damaging her husbands confidence in the  process?  After all shouldn't that have been the ultimate test of submission?  Doing something you don't think you can for your husband?  Yet I refused outright.

I wanted to crawl back into bed with my sleeping husband.  I wanted to put my head on his chest, cry and explain.  To say I was sorry.  To tell him even last night I appreciated what he was trying to do .  I wanted to express that I wasn't angry with him, or even hurt.  I was just basically floating around in my own head, and I hadn't processed. 
 
 
 
 
 
 



 I think I needed him to hold me to keep me from floating away, or to talk to me.  To make me talk to him.  Then maybe later I would have been in a better place.  Or actually been in *a* place.

Unfortunately time was not on my side.  I had to wake up the Spare, and get him on his way to school, make lunches.  All the regular routines of the morning.  The sadness was buried in interest of making our machine well oiled.  When Barney came down into the kitchen he was greeted by his wife, knowing she wanted to talk but the barrier was up. 

We spend a great deal of the morning together, even going to my appointment together.  The time never seemed right and he didn't engage in any discussion concerning the night before either.  Here I sit now, hours later, tears threatening to fall again, but just burning my eyes.  There is no way to talk as he is at work, but now I wouldn't know where to begin.  So I write.  I write and hope to have the courage to show him this tonight when he comes home.

I have to let him know that we both 'messed' up last night.  The only difference is how could he truly have known his part?  I wish he would have asked me last night, and hopefully the words would have managed to escape, but maybe they wouldn't have.  I have to let him know that although he played a part in our....our what?...our misadventure?  I am not, nor was I upset with him.  I harbor no ill feelings toward him concerning the silent spanking.  It was the catalyst for the confusion to come but he was right in issuing me another spanking last night.  The execution of it was off, but the reason for it remains the same nevertheless.

So here in silence I write.

 
 
 
I wrote this a couple of days ago.  It was for Barney, mostly.  I decided to share after a phone call with another ttwd wife.  I had shared it with her, and she had thought it would be helpful.  I have talked to at least 3 women in the past few months who have gone through similar situations and the confusion of intimacy after the fact.  So I decided to share...not sure if it helps, but here it is anyway.


41 comments:

  1. ((hugs))
    Don't beat yourself up. Next time you will accept his lead.

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    1. Thanks for the hugs Renee

      I certainly hope you are correct about that ;)

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  2. Awww Willie,

    I just want to give you a hug. All the times you are there for me and for others - giving encouragement, advice, understanding...... you seem tireless in your giving to us; yet sometimes you are doing it while bearing your own burden.

    You are a treasure of a friend, and I'm sure Barney thinks you are a treasure of a wife. There will always be missteps, even when we've promised ourselves we won't let them happen, they still do.

    But all you and Barney need to do is be able to talk about it honestly, away from the situation where you can both be soft and open - you may have already been able to do that - but I'm always amazed that when I think things can't possibly be fixed between us (hubby & me), we'll have that precious talk that sets it all to rights; and we start on our way down the path again, together. And I know you guys will too.

    Love & hugs,
    Cali

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    1. I second this. Very good response.

      Willie, I hope things are better now. I hope you're able to sit, lol.

      (((Hugs)))

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    2. Well thanks Cali, ( and Sarah, you 'piggy backer !"

      Barney and I did talk it out. He said he wasn't angry, more confused. I actually am still having to digest some of what he said in our discussion, as I'm not sure how some of it sits with me still.

      He said, ( and I knew in some part he would ) he was trying to extend his dominance further. I pointed out that I believed the spanking was pretty dominant at the time. He agreed but then added that he'd rather misstep in the future as opposed to doing nothing at all, ( these btw are my own words used 'against' him for months and months at the start of ttwd.

      The part I took issue in was the 'coldness' of the spanking and afterwards. I think step two would have been easier to come to grasps with under different circumstances. In my mind he still hasn't come to the realization that that indeed was the issue.

      More communication...but we'll see.

      Love to you too ...or you TWO...LOL
      willie

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  3. Oh Wilma, I feel your pain and your sadness.
    I'm so new and stands on quite a different level from all of this that I feel that I absolutely can not give you any advice.
    (Just a feeling that the second spanking was too hard and too much)
    I just want to say that I think of you and pray that you will soon be united and connected.
    I think of you ..

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    1. Oh thank you Mona Lisa

      The second spanking was something different for sure, but I was fine not long after. It was only surface pain in the physical sense.

      Things are better. We have moved on from that...no doubt into something else! LOL

      Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
      willie

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  4. Aww Willie,

    I'm so sorry that you had such an off night. Those things do happen to the best of us. You are certainly not alone. It was nice of you to share this for that reason.

    I think that you have to look at it in another light. Both of you did not mess up. Circumstances like temperature, soreness from two spankings, etc made you both respond in certain ways. You have to look instead at the growth that you have had as a couple. Looking in I can certainly see it. Focus on how far you've come and then look at what you have learned from this night. That my friend is growth. Cut yourself and Barney a break. It takes time to make these changes in our marriages, especially after we have been at it for so long. You will get there. Hugs to you!

    <3 Katie

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    1. Thanks Katie. The reason why I did share was because a friend had talked about a similar situation not a week before. Well, we talked more the emotions surrounding her and her husband. It was brought to my attention by a couple others as well. I thought maybe if someone else has gone through it, or possible will in the future, it won't turn out so 'disastrous' for her :)

      Knowledge is power after all.

      willie

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  5. good morning Wilma

    I thought Bobbie was the only person that grabbed my thumb or finger so that she can sleep.
    I am sad that you are hurting so much like you are a fake because you didn't follow through on what he requested of you.

    Ok that being said, now is the time to fix what ever problem there is between the two of you. It seemed that both of you have dropped the ball on this and failed to communicate to each other before during and after your spanking and then it was compounded by your refusal for doing what he asked.
    I know you know what to do to fix this rift because you have told me the same thing to me on my blog, go talk to him< I know it is hard and the hurt is still there but the longer you wait the harder it will be to fix it make a date night cook him his favorite dinner what ever it takes to set the mood and talk to the man he will listen.
    Explain to him how you are feeling and he will take care of you I am sure. Just because you said no once does not make you a failure.
    If submission was easy everyone would be doing it,

    Bob

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    1. Well Bob, you have said on more than one occasion that Bobbie and I are similar. Guess that extends to how we manage to fall asleep too! :)

      Soooooooooo communication is the key is it? LOL. I did show Barney this post, before I posted it actually. I even waited a day to decide I should post it or not. We hadn't really come to many 'solutions' for the issue at hand. I think we need to talk a bit more~ rather I do, as now that time has passed I am annoyed at the situation. More the spanking and lack of aftercare and his response to that. Talk and Time will get us through.

      You are right Bob, submission wouldn't be such a big deal, if it wasn't such a BIG deal!

      Thanks
      willie

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  6. I am so sorry you are so sad, Willie. I also hate that you are beating yourself up so much. I know you know that is not productive because it doesn't move your forward. I find myself wondering if this couldn't be looked at in a better light, perhaps just as exploratory. You and Barney are exploring what will work and what won't. So, last night didn't work, that is good information. You seem to have picked through the experience and found that you need to be cuddled, maybe doing things for him in the bedroom after a spanking didn't work, so he needs to store both of those pieces of information away. You seem to know that silence is not good, so how do you get past that? In your honest heart of hearts, how could Barney have done to make you share what you were thinking?

    I don't think it was an epic fail. It seems like you are just feeling out the boundaries of your roles and trying to find what works and what doesn't. You are going to be resistant at times. Maybe this is a case of eating the elephant one bite at a time. Perhaps if you don't look at the whole experience as a fail, but just concentrate on getting just one part right. In all of this, what is the one small thing that you want Barney to consistently do? Talk to you during? Cuddle instead of sex afterward? What is the one small thing he wants you to do? Tell him how you are feeling beforehand? Write him a letter beforehand or afterward? Pick something that right now you are doing 70% of the time and aim for 100%. Maybe once you both consistently do that one thing, then you move on to the next bite. Consider it a win if you both do that one thing regardless of how everything else goes.

    Maybe I am full of it and these thoughts are not going to be helpful. I do hope you take Bob's advice and have dinner together. I know you like to do that and just keep on loving each other as you so obviously do.

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    1. Well Cygnet I have said it a hundred times to others if I have said it once, 'use it as a building block not a stumbling block'.
      The difficult thing always remains trust~ trust that it won't happen again, trust that we both do what we say, trust that things are going to change even if 'we' really don't notice the change during our time of hurt, trust that he will actually lead us away from the carnage and start to rebuild again.

      One bite at a time is a great analogy, but sometimes we don't have the desire to chew.

      We have somewhat managed to get past this stumbling block, but I would be lying if I have said at the moment it can be viewed as a building block. Talking and time.

      Thanks, I am always interested in how you view things *wink*
      willie

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  7. But why didn't you just go then the next day and say those things? You could say I'm sorry I didn't do __________( whatever it was he wanted in the bedroom) I want to do it now! Please let me do it now and I love you and I am so sorry... and also explain how you felt too but after...

    Maybe that wasn't something you could do? I do that sort of thing which is why I suggested it. SM is always receptive but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. I always feel so darn guilty. But, after I go to him it makes it easier the next time he asks for something I don't really want to do. He doesn't ask all that much either which is maybe why it's so foreign every time. It's like out of the blue do this thing... and I am like ??? but I try to force myself to do it and be loving...

    I don't know if I am making any sense at all.

    I hope you are both feeling much better now.

    much love and much hugs
    you know we all love you so much around here and we
    are here for you if you need us!
    xo
    sara

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    1. Well Sara you are a better woman than I, I will tell you that. Even though I had felt like I failed my portion of this scenario, I had no desire to 'make it up'. As time when on those feelings of disappointment turned to resentment for him not realizing what was going on. Even after our discussion, I still am resentful towards him because he didn't address the other issues behind WHY I was not submitting. Once again, I feel like he listened but didn't HEAR me.

      There was an HoH-type comment that months ago I would have jumped for joy for within our discussion, now I can't accept it as so great because to me, he is missing the point. I suppose I very well am too.

      We'll get through, but it is going to take something. I'm not entirely sure what. I think I would like some acknowledgement more so that just, "Oh sorry I screwed up". Because his 'screw up' or miss reading the situation has sent me spiralling, and nothing has been done concerning that either.

      Like I have said to others, it is like an new driver, driving a stick shift. Zoooooooooom forward and slam on the breaks. Well at the moment, with life being the way it is around here I don't have the patience for a sore neck!

      Gosh I suppose I should just write another post and get it over with! LOL

      Sorry to unload on you Sara.
      willie

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  8. Hey Willie,
    Since this was a few days ago I am assuming all is resolved.
    If not, I think were there was a break down was in communication. Sorry Barney, but I think it is your responsibility to keep that ball rolling. I think of Stormy's Ogre. If she had shook her had no, he would have demanded she verbalize it and then he would have asked for a reason. He would have insisted she spill it.
    We are so far behind you guys. Our sessions end with just a hug and me withdrawing for a while to process it. It is usually ten minutes later before my emotions catch up and then it is over already and I stuff them down and move on.
    Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Well Blue Bird, he said he was confused, but he does know that I often take a very along time, even on a 'good' day to process. So this is where it becomes confusing to me. I think he had a 'plan' that night and he had to stick to it before he 'chickened' out. That is why I was upset with myself for not complying.

      In a perfect world he wouldn't have let me retreat, but I think he was busy licking his wounds a little too.

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  9. This made me want to cry, too. Sorry I can't offer any sage advice since we are new to this, and I wish I could help you feel better. Since this was a few days ago, hopefully you are feeling better about things today.

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    1. Well that is not good. I didn't mean to make you want to cry. I just wanted to share, so in case this happens to you at some point ( for example ) you might be a little more prepared. Or heck, maybe this could be a talking between you and your husband now, so you might both have more clarity if this should happen between the two of you?

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  10. I hope this has gotten better, but thank you for sharing your feelings. It takes a lot of vulnerability to be open like that with all of us. I just want you to know that I can totally understand what you are/were feeling when this happened. There is nothing worse than being given the opportunity to give your submission like we asked for, and then not being able to follow through. It's a very lonely, confusing feeling indeed. It's hard to find the words too...to talk with our husbands about it, but then not know what to say. It can feel like things are crumbling, and sure enough, tears fall. But you know what, sometimes those tears are so cleansing and we can get all that guilt for what we did/didn't do out. Sometimes nothing else can do that, and it's good you gave in.

    Submission is hard, and sometimes I have refused too. I promised I wouldn't, but then did. I felt so terrible, and then apologized for days about it. Your husband loves you, is trying to give you the world, but when we are trying to find our own way without a clear path, we fall down and can get hurt. I hope you are better, and that you and Barney are moving forward. What I learned this week is that there was a "shift" in our relationship where I "got" it. We talk about how our HoH's step up, and "get" it...well I think us submissives do too. It seems like that loss of the bit of control you were keeping was a lot to get your head around...too vulnerable and it's scary. I have been there. I really have. It's so hard to let it all go, but I know you can.

    I have no doubt he will be receptive to whatever needs you may find you need in your ttwd relationship. I see a softer side of you in this post. My heart goes out to you, but it's nice to know I haven't struggled alone. Keep doing your best. I am sure we will both be faced with more ttwd challenges ahead, but we are all here for one another. Much love and many hugs,
    ♡ Marie

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    1. Hey...how did you get that little heart beside your name?

      Okay, you just spent a great deal of time on a heartfelt comment and I ask you about something so mundane. LOL. Sorry.

      I generally don't have too much issue in submitting to what very little Barney asks of me. At the moment I am still practically shoving submission at him like a second plate of Christmas dinner that sometimes you desire, and other times not so much.

      To me this night was like being on a merry-go-around at a park, spinning at high speeds, and then when it stopped I was expected to walk a straight line to the swing sets and start moving in another direction. I needed time to catch my bearings.

      As for better right now? I thought we were, but I feel I am spinning my wheels at the moment. So many things are swirling around us right now that are very emotionally taxing, I find I can't get a strong footing in any portion of my life to be honest.

      I am hoping that something will give eventually. Time will tell I suppose.

      Thanks for your support Marie!
      willie

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  11. Ohh Willie
    I hope things are feeling a bit better for you both now. You know that many of us know just how you feel because you have helped us through similar situations.
    Sometimes you are just both in slightly different places and the ends just don't quite meet up. Give it time, a distance of time just helps to calm things down and allows for clearer communication I think, It's just hard in the waiting time.
    Hugs xxx

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    1. You are right Janey, sometimes communication, while it is usually the answer, has its own schedule too. To be effective. Sometimes when you think you have the answers, the questions change!

      Well what doesn't kill us is suppose to make us stronger right?

      Thanks
      willie

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  12. this happened to me when we first began dd, and i didn't know how to process my feelings of disobedience--as it were. he asked me to do something, (i am wondering now if it's the SAME thing you were asked) and truthfully i felt angry. i didn't think it was fair and i also thought AND felt that he was taking advantage of the situation, asking that of me in a moment like this and KNOWING i would HAVE to say YES. i did do the thing he asked me to, and you know what? i was livid inside and had angry feelings for a while after. it wasn't good, i'll tell you.

    it took me a while to even tell him my feelings on this subject, it took me until the next time he asked me something to do AFTER a spanking. i didn't want a pattern and i felt like he was making it a requirement.

    now, several months later, we've worked it out and teased about it. today in fact, he asked something of me and i shook my head and said, "babe, you know i love you but my head isn't in the right space. i have so much work to do. can we meet in the middle and i'll do this but later today?" and you know what he said?

    "absolutely! and now i can think about it all day. :)"

    he kissed me on the neck, even bit at me a little, and pinched my butt.

    i think sometimes if we just say what's going on in our heads, they can see it outside our bodies. does that make sense at all? lol

    i am so sorry you're hurting. this marriage thing is totally crazy and then we girls go and throw domestic discipline into the mix and wow! that makes it all easy, right?!

    wrong.

    you hang in there sweetie. i'm really glad you have friends you can talk to about this, but honestly, we're all here for you. :)

    hugs,
    m.

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    1. Well Maryanne this was a first, in the sense that I didn't want to do anything. Normally I know his needs are not always of a sexual nature to curb a hormonal urge, but because that is how he is reassured and feels connected. This of course was a performed submissive act, that in my mindset was not a precursor to connection. But even if it was a 'joint' effort at the time, like you said, my mind was still swirling.

      As it turns out part of me was still resentful at the implication of it, even though the poor man was only trying. My resentment stems from his lack of awareness of body language. But as I said in a comment above, I truly believe he had to 'ask' before he lost his nerve. I think he was distracted in his own world to 'read' mine.

      We'll get through the seemingly long aftermath of this evening. Or maybe it is just that we are in a section of life right now where other factors are aggravating and adding to ttwd breakdown. Regardless, life and ttwd goes on to live another day :)

      I know this community is great for reaching out to. Thank you for being a supportive member!
      willie

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  13. I think just sharing your writing is a start if you haven't already done that. Sometimes we just have to say I will do it differently next time. We learn from everything we do and experience is the greatest teacher.
    What would you say to your kids if they were beating themselves up by what they perceived as a mistake?

    Step away from the problem and hopefully things will be clearer.

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    1. Thanks Minelle.

      You are right I wouldn't let anyone else beat themselves up over a mistake, and we did talk about it. Things still feel unresolved in me in this regard. I think Barney was okay even before he read this post. I just wanted him to know that I was aware of his efforts, and I wasn't intentionally trying to sabotage them.

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  14. Hi Willie,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are sad and upset. I can empathize with your feelings. If I were going to give myself advice I would tell myself to put this experience in the past, it is history. You know what you want, so just chalk this up as a night not to repeat and move on. We are all human and sometime things work good and other times not so good. Such is life, and tomorrow is another day with a fresh start!

    Hugs

    George

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    1. Thanks George.

      You are right I can't change the past, only learn from it. It is often extremely difficult to get the words out 'during' an upsetting situation. This is an area where I am working on. I suppose I anticipate the answer before I comment and often I don't want to 'hear' it. Also I have a long, long history of 'fixing' things on my own,( ineffectively ) and this is a real stumbling block for me. To turn to Barney. Exposing one's 'jugular' is not an easy thing.

      Thank you for the hugs
      willie

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  15. Willie, I just accidentally blew away my comment. I gave this a lot of thought. I may rewrite it in an email. Hugs to you both. I'm cheering for you.

    Irishey

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    1. I know how aggravating that can be. Lately Blogger will just EAT up my comments. Thank you for trying anyway!

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  16. Hey you,

    I'm sorry you are sad, and I can totally relate to being sad and upset with myself and shutting down. Bucko and I have been in a similar situation many many times. It happens. The most important thing is that you recognized it and shared it with Barney. This isn't a road block, it's a little speed bump. One misstep doesn't erase the progress you made. Remember your post about the fire, each time it gets a little easier to build back up. I see you and Barney stoking the fire and getting it going again very quickly.

    Be gentle with yourself. Even *you* aren't perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. We are often our own worst critics. I'd venture to say you are being harder on yourself than Barney is. As long as you have learned something from this, then it will be okay. Sometimes these things happen just so we can learn a lesson about ourselves.

    Lots of hugs and love,
    TL

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    1. Thanks TL. When I wrote this post I didn't feel like the fire of ttwd had gone out. Just that I was putting damp wood on it.
      No Barney wasn't as upset with me as I was with myself. But there are still things from this evening that we need to discuss. Feelings from our conversation after, that still has me harbouring ill feelings toward the situation. It is just a matter of finding the time and the effort in doing so.

      love,
      willie

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  17. Hi Willie,

    I am so sorry that I am late to this. I feel like the worst friend! I hate that you went through this. I really hope that you have by now shown this to Barney, that you have talked through it and are feeling at least a little better.

    I totally understand the alone and vulnerable feeling with the silent spanking and that leading to your reluctance later on. We have had silent spankings, and some that have just been 'off' and it has left me feeling much the same way. I need the connection and reassurance afterwards.

    Please be gentle with yourself. Yes we want our husband to be consistent and want to follow his lead and we are usually harder on ourselves than our husband is when we don't. Submission IS hard and this thing does get messy at times, especially when our emotions are involved.

    Love and (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. You are not a bad friend Roz. Many people are very, very busy this time of year, I understand.

      Actually Barney read this post before I posted it. We did talk, but I'm not sure where we are really after this. We had a few moments of connection, but my heart and mind were not in synch for very long. I can't decide if it is because of this incident singular, or life disrupting my emotions as well.

      Hopefully things will slow soon and once the dust settles, we'll find each other again.

      love, willie

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  18. Oh Willie, how I want to hunt you down and hug you right now. We are so confusing as women. Not just to men, but also to ourselves. We can know so clearly in one minute what we want, and be so unsure of it the next. It sounds like you feel you failed. You didn't. In one second we can go from certainty, security, and boldness to uncertainty, fear and shyness. We can't explain it, it's just who we are. You love Barney, with everything in you, you love him. You want to submit, you want to follow, and you want to allow him to lead. There are hiccups, that night was one, but that does not mean you failed in even the slightest bit. {{{{HUGS}}}} The fact that you show how worried you are about how BARNEY will feel, about how BARNEY will take having stepped up and you saying now, about if BARNEY will wonder what is going on. These all show that your heart is in the right place. I am so sorry that you have been hurting, but I'm hoping that since this post, you two were able to sit down and talk. You are building on a beautiful thing here. Don't let one crocked brick keep you from building the foundation. :) {{{HUGS}}}

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    1. Thanks EsMay

      The foundation is still there, but for the moment I think the workers are on an extended lunch break. Or at the very least, one is laying a brick in their area, and the other in a different area. Right now there doesn't seem to be much continuity in either section. Hopefully we'll keeping laying our bricks and eventually we'll meet up and another layer will be formed. At the moment though, it feels difficult to make a lasting connection, when we are working solo.

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  19. I am sorry you are hurting. I hope that sharing your feelings has helped you and that you and Barney have been able to talk about what happened and how it felt for you and that you have worked it out. Sending hugs your way, Terps

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    1. Thanks Terps.

      I did share with Barney. We talked about the surface problem, but I think there is a deeper issue here. Or maybe we resolved the deeper issue but the wound needs to heal? Right now it is itching like crazy.

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  20. I do think it was wise for you to put this post up because it's a struggle all of us go through--those new to this and those who have been doing it for some time. I know I can't believe at times how much I fight the process and undermine my husband's efforts. In the very moment that I know that it is exactly what I need, I get stuck and lost and pull away.

    There are plenty of stories of neat and tidy spankings out there Willie. Those are the easy ones to write about--where it all ends in hugs and resting in each other's arms. They happen here but more often it is messy and raw. You are in good company. I'd like to say that I learn from the messiness but that isn't always true. My emotions take over and MM reminds me that whatever happens is okay because it is what needs to happen. He is strong enough. Barney is too!

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