spanking last night. That isn't why I was sad. I am sad because I feel like for the first real time I was challenged- I was called upon me to do something I really didn't want to do, I failed miserably at it. Well, last night I was asked to do a couple of things actually.
I really didn't want to have a second spanking. I was still so sore from the spanking I had earlier in the day. I also knew it was going to be with something that was stingy. I , like many HATE stingy. Don't get me wrong, the fact that he was going to follow through, and the fact that I needed it were running through my head, but for the first time, outside of those reasons I really didn't want a spanking.
We all tease about me have a titanium butt-the length and severity of my spankings. Tease because they are primarily r/a and Barney asks if I am okay constantly during them. Ultimately I am still in control. Last night I knew I could have ended it if I truly had to as well. While I no longer bruise anymore, my skin seems so much more sensitive. This is especially true of the area where I had the blister. Last night's spanking with the plastic, ( former coat hanger) crop hurt like Hell. Sorry that is the only real adjective that works here. I had an intense meeting with the heavy and light bath brush yesterday morning and the leather paddle to give me a break and 'thaw' the area between wooden implements. That little strip of plastic on top hours later was almost too much. Obviously it was not as I am here to talk about it....
I did try to slightly crawl away. I held my breath and for the most part my tongue. The first few minutes I let out some very quiet 'ouches'. There was no way for me to cope with the pain, ie. my normal pain management skills. I waited it out. But in doing so it left me 100% exhausted by the end. I'm sure many of you are in agreeance with me.
This was truly a silent spanking. The implement was silent. I, for the most part was silent and most disturbingly Barney was silent. Yes I most certainly did need this spanking to put me right, but I needed him I think. I felt so alone during. When you are struggling physically, and mentally, alone is not a helpful feeling.
Anyway, after I wanted to snuggle and fall asleep. Barney had already been discussing the fact that he was really warm before the spanking. Apparently the repetitive arm action and his wife's body covering his lower portion of his did nothing to cool him off. So instead of snuggling he draped my arm across his chest. Essentially I was comforting him as there was no arm around me.
After a while he became more dominant again. Requesting me to disrobe further. He then requested I do something, which I didn't want to. I just wanted to be held and give in to my exhaustion. I did finally comply after some coaxing. After a little while he made another request I shook my head silently. I just couldn't. He said that was fine, but it wasn't.
This is what has made me sad. I wrote my last post about follow through. I wrote about my need for him to step up . For me to feel his dominance, and the first time it is something I don't think I can do, I say no. How is that fair? How damaging that must have been. Finally he tries and I say no. Heck I couldn't even say no, I just shook my head !
There are many reasons for my reluctance. The first being that the silent spanking made me feel like I was having something done TO me. Yes, I know it really is something that is done to me, but there is a different feeling to it. I have worked through things in my past, for the most part, and things being done, even consensual, to me instead of 'with' me is an issue. An issue in the sense I put up walls faster than you could blast them down. Only this time I didn't. I remained vulnerable, and open, yet my comfort didn't come. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not blaming Barney, he had no way of knowing for I became just as silent as he after.
The second, building on the first, having the feeling of things being done too me, does not bode well for me feeling connected by doing things to someone else either. What it does do is build resentment in me. I did not want that. I was vulnerable after and wanted to embrace that area for a while together I think now. Now that I am away from the situation.
I wasn't trying to be defiant. I wasn't pouting or testing. I wanted to be able to do what I was told. To help strengthen his 'HOH' foundation. For him asking me to do something in the bedroom is a huge leap outside of the box for him. Yet I failed. I didn't even have the war within. I just said no. I wasn't frozen. I just really didn't want to. I think I may have become resentful if I did. I didn't want to turn the evening into that either. I didn't resent Barney for asking/telling, he was doing this in part for my benefit. Because I said I needed it. He wasn't doing it selfishly ( although he'd certainly benefit *wink*). This upset me further, and still does. If only I could be angry or hurt. I am not. I am disappointed greatly in myself.
When given the 'It's fine", I rolled over on my side to allow the much coveted sleep to wash over me. Barney moved in behind me but didn't 'fit' in behind me as usual. Of course there were probably a few reasons for that, the heat, and physical reasons. Normally however, since starting ttwd, ( in good times anyway) he puts one arm under my pillow and the other over me. This is huge for us because I was never a snuggler, and the weight of someone else's appendage on me was a true annoyance. Now I hold his left thumb with my right hand as we fall asleep- holding his hand to sleep is too uncomfortable for me. Well none of this happened last night.
Did this bother me? No I don't think so, although one may question that as I have remembered and brought it up. Did it further add to my alone feeling? No I don't think so either. I was too busy being upset with myself. Eventually I did fall asleep, on a very stiff and sore lower half, but not before redressing after Barney fell asleep. I couldn't seem to be naked and vulnerable at the same time. The symbolism seemed too much.
This morning I woke as usual to a silent house. I made my way downstairs to make coffee. I had an appointment later in the morning and I tried to focus on that. Unfortunately the tears began to silently fall. Once again the BIG ones that crash to the floor, seemingly not touching your cheeks, yet you know they have as they have left a burning sensation in their wake. There was no sobbing that led to hitching of my breath. Just tears.
Tears and the overwhelming feeling of sadness. Sadness and disappointment in myself. Sadness and a feeling of failure. How can I ask him to be consistent when I can't even do one thing I said I would do? Follow his lead in the bedroom. How can I ask him to step outside his comfort zone time and time again, and the one time he asks me I say no? And to be honest the action was not outside my comfort zone, just that night. How can I tell him I want to be submissive to him, and yet when he tells me I say no? What kind of messed up person writes about it hours before and then refuses? Sending mixed signals and potentially damaging her husbands confidence in the process? After all shouldn't that have been the ultimate test of submission? Doing something you don't think you can for your husband? Yet I refused outright.
I wanted to crawl back into bed with my sleeping husband. I wanted to put my head on his chest, cry and explain. To say I was sorry. To tell him even last night I appreciated what he was trying to do . I wanted to express that I wasn't angry with him, or even hurt. I was just basically floating around in my own head, and I hadn't processed.
I think I needed him to hold me to keep me from floating away, or to talk to me. To make me talk to him. Then maybe later I would have been in a better place. Or actually been in *a* place.
Unfortunately time was not on my side. I had to wake up the Spare, and get him on his way to school, make lunches. All the regular routines of the morning. The sadness was buried in interest of making our machine well oiled. When Barney came down into the kitchen he was greeted by his wife, knowing she wanted to talk but the barrier was up.
We spend a great deal of the morning together, even going to my appointment together. The time never seemed right and he didn't engage in any discussion concerning the night before either. Here I sit now, hours later, tears threatening to fall again, but just burning my eyes. There is no way to talk as he is at work, but now I wouldn't know where to begin. So I write. I write and hope to have the courage to show him this tonight when he comes home.
I have to let him know that we both 'messed' up last night. The only difference is how could he truly have known his part? I wish he would have asked me last night, and hopefully the words would have managed to escape, but maybe they wouldn't have. I have to let him know that although he played a part in our....our what?...our misadventure? I am not, nor was I upset with him. I harbor no ill feelings toward him concerning the silent spanking. It was the catalyst for the confusion to come but he was right in issuing me another spanking last night. The execution of it was off, but the reason for it remains the same nevertheless.
So here in silence I write.