Well, while some of you are off using your cute little hands to make puppets,
(Susie and Stormy get first pick...the rest of you can fight for the remaining)
It would appear I am back to my old tricks....
Don't get me wrong, life around this cave has been pretty good. We went out this weekend with friends and heard some great music. On Friday I managed to get a good chunk of my volunteer work done. I also managed to clean out and plant my gardens. *I* I*I*...No I don't mean *I* was the only one working. I mean of the things I just listed, the majority were about me. That is how I have been viewing things I suppose. Maybe I didn't rein myself back in as much as I thought I had before the weekend.
Truthfully I didn't give ttwd much thought over the weekend. I didn't have to. I was alone during the day and we were with others at night. When the waitress came to ask me if I'd like another drink, I tried to grab Barney's attention to see if it was okay, ( again NOT a rule), but he didn't notice. Me being me however, in his defence, was probably too subtle.
( oh side note...detour...funny antidote...We were out with friends Dan and Roseanne. Dan is an alpha male ALL the way. Anyway, the waitress came by and he mentioned that we had been going to the bar because we didn't know there was a server in this section. He wasn't chastising her, he was more apologizing. She made some comment about coming back much sooner. When she returned he didn't require another drink, so she said something and left. He joked about getting great service. I pointed out to him that only the first time did she say she was going to be back sooner, not the second, and seeing how he didn't order anything the second time, it will be a longer wait now. He laughed and said,
" You are probably right. That is because all servers are sassy and should be spanked. ( I used to be a server in a previous life) AND YOU would have been FIRST on my list! " ( pfft)
Then I kid you not, he proceeded to tell us about this 'new' drink he made that required a banana. The conversation revolved around bananas for about 10 minutes. I seriously was rendered speechless at the ridiculous predicament I basically placed myself in!)
okay back to the
I have a mammogram appointment tomorrow morning. Nothing serious just a baseline for the old, boobless girl. Barney pointed that out to me, ( via my note on the fridge *wink*). Anyway, the day after tomorrow our Heir to the Throne is all but done school for this year. He has a couple of exams but that is it. In addition to that we have two 'Leave Taking' Ceremonies to attend to the following week as The Spare and the The Spare's Spare, are moving on. Going to another school. One high school , one middle school ( for a grand total of 2 years and then we Leave Take again! sigh) . Basically, no guaranteed alone time. Up until about two minutes into this conversation, I wasn't feeling 'spinny' at all. But there was something brewing, as I suppose I wouldn't have started this conversation otherwise.
" So what are your plans for today" ( preparing to tie the strings to his appendages)
Insert Charlie Brown and the Peanuts parental voices here, because whatever he was saying had nothing to do with bananas ( ie spanking for those who cheated and didn't read my last post).
I started to fret/get angry. Sigh- NOT because I actually WANTED a banana/spanking, ( okay from now on you should know!) but because I wanted him to _remember_ what we talk about. Recap~ it has been said that before every weekend and right after as soon as possible Barney would give me a R/A spanking. This is due to the fact that I am pretty much the CONTROL Monster when dealing with the boys. It has also been decided ( by him ) that I will not go for an entire week without because he knows I need his physical reminder that he 'has' this. IN addition to that when the monthly, uninvited guest returns ( like last week) he said he would amp up the submission exercises to remind me that we are still connected, and despite not being able to express it in ways he wants to, he hasn't forgotten about us and D/s ( for lack of a better acronym here).
I calmly, stated,
" You do realize that today is the last day we will basically have alone ALL summer now right?"
(attaching the strings to the little wooden X -....just call me Gepetto)
He asked what I was talking about and I explained. A few minutes later he told me to meet him upstairs, ( FYI that was something he said he was going to stop doing, leaving it up to me when to go up....baby steps)
By the time I got to our room all of the things I mentioned above were echoing around in my head. I was stewing. Barney started the conversation off with his approval of my thong commenting on how he was surprised that I wasn't wearing more coverage-even though I always wear a thong at 'that' time, so bananas are consistant..(.he NEVER lets me keep my underwear on the other 3 weeks) so all of this just added to my stewing. He began to spank and talk about me being anxious about the summer. He told me not to worry about that. It was his job to control that, and that he would make the time, although it would be more spontaneous ( like that is a bad thing?) . However in my mind I was thinking...
" You can't even keep up with what you said when the boys AREN'T around..."
It is funny no matter how many times we talk about it with each other (bloggers). No matter how damaging we know it is to the HOH building blocks of our husbands. No matter how much, we still revert back to not trusting them in areas where they have faltered in the past. This goes far beyond ttwd. Past hurts may be forgiven, but not forgotten. One might argue then, that they aren't truly forgiven if the mistakes are not forgotten. I suppose. I am so guilty of this. Barney knows this. He , being the man that he is, blames himself for letting me down, therefore contributing to me not having trust in him in this particular area. Well that is all well and good, but it doesn't change facts does it?
Okay, well I guess you can gather by that last statement the spanking was a resounding success! So much so Barney has 'declared' that tonight we will be revisiting this issue.
Honestly I am not trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I sincerely am not trying to be difficult. I can see all the good that has been happening in our relationship. Truly I can. I guess this area is my weakness. My Achilles heel . My most vulnerable area... Dramatic much? This is the area of trust where I suffer greatest in. I feel that despite being 'in hand', a little like this guy...
I would prefer to be like this
Yes I know it looks like it is squawking ...but let's be realistic here people!
Sadly though without this...
I turn into this....
So to prevent that, I turn into this...
I suppose the question is, will Barney 'require' me to 'remind' him forever or will he shed his strings for good like this guy?