Saturday, August 17, 2013

I Refuse To Say It..even if he is right !

 
Shoot me.  Just shoot me now!  If 11 months ago you would have told me I would have agreed with this ^  HoH Dude, and his annoying adjective before the word spanking
I would have 'pffft' you!


Now, this is not to say that I haven't had thorough spankings before.  I've had countless ones.  One where I actually 'hit' subspace.  Although more than anything I think that had to do with Barney talking to me throughout it, so I couldn't drift away.  Funny how most of us need some sort of conversation to keep our mind off of the task at hand or on it- depending.  RIGHT,back to the thorough spanking thing.........

So now that our Summer of Suckiness seems to be in the rear view mirror and the RV put away, Dd/ttwd has resurfaced in the  house.  Only the house is now the house of mini spankings.  More frequently discussed, and more love taps and looks- but the spankings themselves-mini.  Stingy and mini- short.  Before the incident summer our spanking house was a mansion.

 
It had a huge floor plan that took forever to maneuver.  We never knew exactly which corridor we would end up down.  We never knew which door we'd eventually exit.  But nine times out of ten, I had been 'thoroughly' spanked.  And eventually, not always right after I felt a bit better.  NOT perfect-(aside from that subspace spanking- wow jelly like for days!)  But the anxiety was gone, the heaviness...the worry.  I wasn't spanked into submission, but with all those feelings removed the 'real' me was free to emerge.
 
Now however our Spanking Mansion is more like a place Polly Pocket could crush.
 
You open the doors, take a quick glance and then off you go again. 
 
 
So THIS is what you have chosen to whine about now Willie?  Is their no end to what you can whine about?  ~ Fair point...and NO...LOL
 
 
 
I was trying to explain to someone how to explain to our husbands why mini spankings without the Thorough one thrown in can be almost worse than none at all.  This was my first analogy.  Feel free to moan away at my analogy love...
 
 
 
Have you ever been on the Maid of the Mist?  I suppose mostly only North Americans can answer that.  It is a tour boat that takes people to the 'base' of Niagara Falls.
 
 
  Any tour boat will do for this analogy, but I am choosing this one.  Okay, so when you are about to get on the Maid of the Mist they give you these 'lovely' raincoats. (Raincoats, pfft, they are made out of the same plastic that you bag your apples in at the grocery store)
 
(this is not me...if it is you or someone you know I apologize)
 
Anyway these raincoats are a pain.  They stick to your exposed skin.  They don't breathe.  They blow around.  Generally until you get to the base of the falls they are an annoyance!  But they tell you this is what you need, so instead of waiting until you get on the boat, you put them on right away! You are eager after all.  Annoyed but you know soon it will be worth it.
 
 
 
You get over his lap on the tour boat and away you go.  Unfortunately you can feel you are moving towards the Falls where you will see and experience something spectacular, but at the moment there are way too many other blue raincoats in your way.  You now sense the Falls getting closer, and there is a break in the wall of plastic blue, picture taking, railing hogs so you catch a glimpse.  Oh yes this is why we put up with these stupid raincoats, there is going to be a mist that covers everything.  It will be refreshing and the view looks like it is going to be clear....Waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, the crowd moves back, the boat doesn't turn so you get your chance it stops and backs up !  WHAT. THE.  Grrrr...
 
It would have almost been better to not have had a glimpse of the falls.  Now you are annoyed by more than just the discomfort of the stupid plastic, sweaty raincoats.  What a waste of time!  Sure you rationalize, it was a day out with the person you love.  You got to experience a bit of refreshing spray, and a tiny glimpse of the view you thought you were going to see....but mostly you are irritated. 
 
Your partner is confused.  He had a different jacket so didn't wear the raincoat.  He is a different height than you so in his travel's today, his need was fulfilled.  To him mission accomplished and can't for the life of himself figure out why you are not as content with this little trip as you should be.
 
Okay....so do the same thing next week and the week after and the week after that too.  What ends up happening is,  that little bit of annoyance that the view can't be seen becomes stronger and stronger.  We know that it isn't intentional and we try our darndest to hope that this time will be different. 
 
 
 
Maybe a better way would be for a man to understand it is like this... your wife brings you night after night to the brink of complete ecstasy and then walks away, thinking you were all good. BUT there was nothing you could do to help yourself get to that point after she leaves.
 
  Imagine your frustration? Once or twice you can handle, (maybe) but after a while it begins to grade on you.  You aren't angry with HER per say,just the situation. ( okay but just to be clear I am referring to a mental release from spankings, not the other kind...but I thought maybe some men might relate better this way).
 
Sometimes this happens from stopping too soon.  Sometimes this happens from it being too stingy, or too quick, or to hard right from the start.
 
  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason.  But almost always the end result is the same.....a frustrated wife, who may or may not have benefited from the 'experience' in a small way, but not the way everyone had hoped.   I think sometimes this is why we see women OTK more than one time in one day.  
 
 
This is what my summer has been like.  I know WHY our house of spanking is no longer a sprawling mansion at the moment.  Spankings have been mostly silent, which means stingy, because the kids are here more often and Barney is so fearful of injuring me.  More so than he was when we first started ttwd.  We will work through it, but part of me is saying...WHAT about what this is doing to my heartset?  
 
Before the summer Barney would look into my face and ask me if I was 'done'.  If I felt better.  Never once did I not tell the truth ( yeah, yeah goodie for you willie).  I hope he soon returns to that method, because it didn't take long before he started to judge on his own.  The issue with that was, when the accident happened it was me who said I wasn't done...so he continued- against his better judgement. I
 think he doesn't trust my judgement anymore...LOL. Okay so I didn't marry a dummy -my judgement is almost always impaired.
 
My point to all of this?  GAH, I am in need of a THOROUGH banana,(can't say spanking with that word in front of it). That ridiculous sentence is reserved for the HOH down the line!
 
 *********
 Update:  After I wrote this post I shared it with Barney.  He cleared the air that he is not hesitant about spanking me because of injury.  So that is definitely one hurdle jumped.  He then  proceeded to THOROUGLY spank the living day lights out of me!  LOL.  During the 'process' we talked about it.  He asked questions like he did at the start of our ttwd relationship.  I would tell him if an implement was working or not.  Yes, I had a degree of control over this spanking.  As this was a 'reset' and not a punishment Barney was okay with the process.
 
Barney said, while spanking I might add, " At the beginning when you used to tell me if things weren't working it used to bother me.  Then I thought, 'but if it isn't working for her, what is the point?'.  So I swallowed my pride and began to listen.  You need to tell me if things aren't working for you.  If you are left in a bad place, and how you think we can avoid that."
 
Anyway, multiple wood implements later, with leather thrown in in between, to allow a 'thaw' to occur, as wood numbs me-  a couple of switching directions, switching arms, a leg cramp for Barney,  and a brief pause as a child walked through the house we were done.  There wasn't a huge lecture or a great deal of talking on his part this time.  I had come very close to 'subspace' again.  I felt 'the white' creeping in, but he stopped.  I am fine with that.
I crawled up onto his chest and sobbed.  This is the first time EVER I have cried after a spanking.  It wasn't the pain, it was the release.  Thoughts that have been weighing heavily on my mind lately, came flooding into my brain, and the sobs escaped my lips.  Unfortunately, being the control monster that I am, I stopped my sobs after a minute or two- ( baby steps for everyone I suppose).
 
Barney: " That is good.  Let it all out.  I want you to feel comfortable crying in front of me.  I want you to share with me-everything......................  It is okay to cry Wilma".
 
The next day, I was OTK again.  Not for misdeeds, but because while we had a break through, it was merely the tip of the iceburg.  It has been a long journey away from each other, and it is going to take a while for the walls to totally crumble.  Did I sob again? No.  Was I expecting too?  No not really.  I have come to accept that no two spankings are the same, and you can do everything 'text book' for yourself and still have a different result.  We did a great deal of talking between spankings.  I mentioned what seems to work, what I thought would help when.  I also said I was afraid this meant I was controlling the spanking .   He assured me, that we were having a constructive discussion, and he will still VERY much be in control of when, where, what position, what implements, how long.....He reiterated that we need to talk if things aren't working and that he no longer finds me challenging him when we do so.  In fact, he realizes now that I hadn't in the past, but  his insecurities at the time  perceived it as a criticism.  He then shook his head and commented about having ever to punish me.
 
" I mean, I was exhausted after spanking you for a reset. I suppose the emotions surrounding a punishment would be different.  I hope so, because MAN! "
 
My response?
 
" Pfft, as IF you would EVER have to (*cough* again *cough*)"
 
There you have it .....
 
Huh?  who would have thought?  
 
Communication!
 
 
 

Monday, August 12, 2013

Processing During My Absence

Okay, I am about to post the two posts I wrote during my 'funk'..  It is safe to say I am out of my funk now and back to my normal anxiety ridden self- something Barney is determined to take care of soon.  I do have a more positive post floating around in my head.  Unfortunately life keeps snatching it from me at the moment.  I am hoping to share sooner rather than later.  Until that time, I'm not sure if these two posts will be helpful to anyone else or not.  By the way there is some repetition in them.  This is not done for affect. LOL.  They were posts to help me and a few others figure out what was going on inside.  Shall I say ENJOY?  I guess I should say, I hope you don't get too bored. 

Again, this is in the past and was just away for me to sort my mind at the time.

***

The first post was original written July 3 rd

The Reverse Butterfly




Since our 'tiff', admittedly caused by my silent temper tantrum that blindsided my husband,  this is the process that I can feel happen to me.  During our brief attempts at ttwd,  I felt like I was coming out of my cocoon.  I was truly becoming who I was always predestined to be, before my world became jaded.  Now I am not so slowly retreating back into my cocoon.   I seriously doubt that I will ever be a caterpillar, but then again. I guess I never really was, so this blows my whole visual analogy to hell.  LOL

Over the last while, I have started to notice/feel that we were back in a cycle of me communicating, him listening but not hearing.  This has been going on for weeks.  The start of a second silent spanking after writing and ENTIRE post about the affects of the last one, flicked a switch in me.  I became numb.  No feeling what so ever.  No hurt.  No frustration or disappointment.  Nothing.  An empty vessel, devoid of emotion.  Does wonders for a relationship. 

Honestly I thought not of ttwd.  It wasn't a silent temper tantrum.  It was nothing.  I was living my life, apart from those around me.  Normally when I become hurt due to ttwd, I can still hear the little voice inside of me urging me to 'do what's right'.  Normally I shove a rag in her mouth!  This time no voice.  No after regret.  No thought what so ever.  Unless it was, somewhat brought to my attention.  My response.  " Oh".  Not " oh sorry"  just " Oh".

As you some of you may recall, when I was away I wrote about my turret and being afraid to communicate to him.  I shared the reasons why I thought so after some communication with Sara, ( Finding Sara).  In a nut shell my emotional 'well being' has always been up to me.  For as long as I can remember.  At least that is how I have perceived it all my life, I'm sure my parents would beg to differ.  Only because I never shared with them.  To this day I don't think my mother knew I had chronic nightmares as a child, other than the fact that I would try to sneak into my sister's bed at night.  Even then though, after she moved out when I was 8, they continued.  My point is, I finally wrote about it.  He read about it, and sigh after Wounded Wife Syndrome, and things became easier.  Only now it is back.  This stage of  not feeling I can share.  This feeling of I have to deal with this on my own.  

However, what if  the 'it' you are dealing with is your husband?  What if you feel you can't share because you feel this time it is HIM, not negative comments from bloggers, or outside influences?  Then how do you proceed?  A few weeks ago during a discussion,  he simply said,

"What? I'm I guy I forget stuff.  I'm sorry"

Well okay then.  You're a guy.  So that excuses you from remembering something so important to the one you claim is the single most important thing in your life.  Okay.  Even though, some of the things you said, and forgot, were things you SAID. 

 The logical part of my brain knows that this past month has been very stressful on us with Heir to the Throne and school.  Feeling like we are seriously lacking as parents.  Perhaps silently pointing fingers at each other?  That maybe ttwd is too much for a man who didn't ask for this life.  But he sure did reap the benefits.  We both did.

Anyway, I have been silently pulling away for a while now.   Even before the silent spanking.  Way before I got hurt.  ( Yes I know that has been playing on his mind too).  He was verbally more HoH like at times, but physically in all senses of the word he was not.

I need it.  What can I say ?  I know I shouldn't be embarrassed to share with people in this community that I need to be spanked.  I have a need for that one on one time.  I need for him to concentrate on me.  Maybe because he claims it does nothing for him.  Maybe that is even more important to me. In addition spanking is  the only thing I have given him that I haven't given anyone else in my life.  I need to be submissive.  ( oh okay, or at least try).

 I , like some of you , feel free by all of these things. Unlike maybe some of you, I need this to feel  free to be the affectionate person I am inside.  Free to touch my husband, and to want him to touch me.  As pathetic as it sounds.

Without it, I am merely a butterfly trapped in my cocoon.

 ***
 
 
And now on to a post written two weeks later on July 13th

Exit Stage Left


 

Part of me knows I NEED to write, but the other part still feels like what is the point ? Of course there is also a part that thinks that the latter thought isn't fair. So let's see where this leads shall we?

I am trying so desperately to figure out what the heck is going on inside of my head. Why I can't 'thaw'. Let down my walls...or open the curtains and show the stage in its entirety is more like it.




It is like I can let them open for a moment, but any little disturbance and I close them and exit stage left.

It all started a while ago. Even before my In Silence post. Unfortunately things haven't really gotten better since then. Things got worse. WAY worse. So if we are using that as a measuring stick, we are better than AFTER that post, but maybe back at that spot. Confused? Welcome to our world.

I ended up getting hurt. It was an accident. I hold or held no animosity towards Barney, because he had a part in the accident that caused me to be injured. He on the other hand, I believe his having a more difficult time coming to terms with things. So that didn't help. Truth be told though, the curtains were closing more often than not before said, 'incident'.

Before we started ttwd, I used to go to bed and play 'stories' in my mind ( no, not Dd stories or anything like that). I have ALWAYS done this. Since our son was 'diagnosed' with the same 'learning disability' as I have, we have learned more about coping skills and sleep habits. Turns out that our minds don't ever really shut off...LOL, or maybe that is just being a woman. Anyway, my 'stories' are apparently a way to control my brain into a relaxed state. So...... every night for my entire life that I can remember, I would run these stories through my head until I fell asleep. If I woke in the night ( which I also did a LOT) I would run the stories again.

During the first few weeks of starting ttwd, the stories wouldn't show up! I would lay there and literally stare at a blank canvas.

(actually this would have been preferable..at least there is an easel in this image)

Night after night, I saw nothing but white. In the middle of the night, I would wake, often, and I still couldn't pull the safe story images into my mind. I thought I was going to go insane for lack of sleep, ( yes one could very well argue that I am already insane based on the current information being presented in this particular post).

Slowly, this white canvas dissipated. Nothing replaced it. I was just able to put my head down and sleep. I began to wonder if this is how 'normal' people fell asleep. I didn't really care though. I was content. No longer needing stories, to settle my mind. No glaring white image. Just sleep. No nightmares really either. It was heaven!

Well about 2 months ago, the 'stories' started to sneak back in. I was able to shoo away them for the most part.




( Sadly this is no longer the case)

But I should have paid more attention. Deep down I knew what this meant. I was pulling away. I could sense it in other areas too. In the past with ttwd however, whenever I started to distance, it didn't affect my sleeping patterns aside from the occasional nightmare, ( yes never boring over here in Bedrock, even in BED). It is so different this time. Deeper.

I tried to reach out. I tried to write. I tried to talk. I would have good nights, where I could peak out from behind the curtain, but perhaps I was still doing so with a skeptical eye.





Barney ( not knowing all the heady stuff that was going on) began to feel like he couldn't do anything right. We had let ourselves get too far apart. Sure I was still being my angelic, submissive self, *wink* but it was only touching the surface. I was continuing to try, but it wasn't softening my core in the least...or at least not for long. Barney continued to keep up with his 'strict' routine of attention once a week, ( I won't go on about that again). We continued to talk, off an on, but the conversations were always spearheaded by me. Talking. Planning. Trying to fix. Not believing.






So there is the real problem right there isn't it? It would appear no matter what move we make, until I am willing to allow it to happen, we are going to constantly be at a draw.




Or is it? Perhaps we need to change our regular course? Don't know. We are in a rut. And while there is a glimmer every once and a while, that we will be lead out of it, it doesn't seem consistent on either side. Causing no forward progress.

I am aware it took us a long time to get to this spot, so I shouldn't put pressure on myself- on us, to get out of it over night. My greatest fear is that in the process, Barney is just going to stop trying when I think I need him to dig deep and try harder. I actually don't even know what that means. I wish spanking was like those televangelist and .....




I want to go back to where we were. I want to crawl into his skin again, not under it! I want to sleep with no thoughts running through my head. I want the closeness, the connection. I want to be able to open up again. I don't want the curtain to turn into a permanent structure, like a turret again. But




I'm afraid.



Afraid of opening up and being ignored. That hurt is too much. I'm afraid I will never be able to get back to this feeling....



I miss her. I miss the water off a duck's back feeling. I miss living rather than existing. ( Too much? LOL). I'm tired of being indifferent. I miss my wacky emotions.

 

 

 


I feel like I am cowering behind the curtain, but still hoping the director will call my name.



 
*************************
******************



So there you have it. Where my mind was this past month and a half. I bet you are glad not to be me or Barney - even mores so than before! *wink*.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Running

I am a runner. 
 
Unfortunately not that kind of runner, ( there are a few good reasons why I couldn't wear shorts like that out in public too!  Ttwd wives know one, and another, because they wouldn't cover as much...oh I guess that could be the SAME reason)
 
 
 
 
Right, focus Wilma.  Back to running.  Before we started attempting   ttwd,  I'm not sure I realized that I really was a runner.  I explained ( a million posts ago) in my second post, that I had an emotional switch track- like a train. 
 
If my emotions were becoming too much, I would flick the switch in my brain/heart, and change direction.  I became so proficient in this method of control that over time I suppose I began to just loop around on myself in a way that I felt nothing.  Or very little.  

As time went on, with this ttwd, I began to let the walls crumble a bit...(most of know this to a certain degree).  This became the metaphor of choice.  Yes, it was decided that I was a mason and built walls.   Ttwd became some what of a wrecking ball allowing the walls to be destroyed.  Some talk about peeling back the layers of an onion.  Throughout this adventure, they are discovering more and more about themselves.  I whole heartily agree.  I thought within this process, I was done discovering for a while.

Honestly, our adventure with ttwd, has been primarily about self discovery.  For both myself AND Barney.  We have discovered why we are the way were are.  A great deal of it, (shocking!) has to do with how we were raised and how we dealt or didn't deal with things when we were younger.  Piling those bricks up, to build those walls.  Neither one of us 'blames' our upbringing, but knowing the whys, helps each other understand the 'how to' in able to reach each other to a certain degree.

There lies in the problem.  If we both have discovered things about ourselves, and have shared them with each other, WHY do we fail to do our part to help each other flourish in this relationship?  Well because it isn't easy! 



 
 
 
 
It has been well over a month since I have written a personal post.  Prior to that I wrote a couple of posts that weren't so positive as far as our relationship and ttwd was concerned.  The weeks proceeding these posts did not show much improvement.  I think I mentioned that  there was an accident where I ended up becoming hurt.  It wasn't entirely Barney's fault, and  again I will state, after a discussion, I had held no ill will  towards him.  He on the other hand had a much more difficult time coming to grips with things.  He is, for the most part over the accident, yet I know it is still in the back of his mind.  Anyway, this has played a crucial part in our dynamic disconnect.
 
 
This summer I have become an expert in the silent sucker punch.  Instead of  poking the bear when needing attention, I have closed myself off.  Or as I refer to it, a silent temper tantrum.  Before this would be obvious to Barney because I would give obvious ( to another woman anyway) signs. More recently  I had started to master  suppression- so well that unfortunately, when I did blow he had no idea that the pressure had been building. He was totally thrown off guard by my reactions. ( GOLD NUGGET ALERT....

I was spanked for this. He didn't call it a punishment, but informed me in the midst of one such event, that we would 'reconnect' after the kids went to bed. But as with most 'silent' spankings, there was no release- no connection re-established ).
 
These past couple of months have been somewhat unbearable.  To the outside world we still look fine.  We walk hand in hand.  We cook together.  We are respectful of one another.  But for those of us who have experienced the wonder and beauty of the connections that ttwd can create,  something that we once found beauty in, seems lack luster
 
 
compared to what we know it can be
 
 
 
 
It has been me who has been struggling.   Struggling with surrendering?  Not so much.  I can go through the 'motions' to a certain extent.  Yes, I have been sassy.  But no longer in a testing, sassy way.  It has been playful, yet there has been very little fun involved.   Something, somewhere along the line had shut off inside.  I had become like an empty vessel. 
 
I used to think that I wasn't a passionate individual-that although I am generally extremely playful, most of  the other emotions  I had expressed did not fall on the spectrum of passion in my opinion.  I was wrong.   Sometimes you don't know what you have, until it is gone.  Cliché? Yes, but for good reason.  Somewhere, somehow in the past couple of months,  I became devoid of most emotions.  Damn it if joy wasn't the first one to go!  Others then followed suit.
 

 
 
We have struggled greatly this summer, I think more at the hands of me.  I take a great deal of responsibility for this.  I know Barney has certainly played his part with inconsistency, again, but if I have said it once, I have said it a hundred times -I can only control myself and my actions.  I need to do my part so he can do his.  He has been trying.  However, the connection between us seems broken.  Moreover MY feeling of connection has been severed.  Barney has discovered and admitted that he isn't or rather wasn't an overly affectionate man.  His household growing up, while loving and patient, didn't include a great deal of hugging and kissing.  When I retreat or as I discovered run, when things go 'wrong' in my heart, this makes him even less comfortable to reach out for me.  My running, makes him uncertain of himself. 
 
I have a tendency to run an entire marathon in silence in my mind, and he doesn't even know that the starting pistol went off.  During some period this summer, I had even removed my wedding ring.  I didn't do it as a tantrum.  I didn't do it to try and gain his attention, or to test him.    We or I was in such a dark place.  I had begun to map out our next few years, and figure out how things would be, when I could 'give' him his freedom from all of this.  A wife who needed something that perhaps he didn't want or couldn't bring himself to understand and provide.   I wrote a couple of posts, that I didn't post,( but may still) discussing how ttwd has changed me.  I shared them with Barney, but nothing seemed to click.  My issue was NOT with the physical.  My issue was, as in the past, with lack of communication-or what if anything he did with the information I provided him.
 
He had said something to me in a state of frustration, that I misinterpreted, ( in my defense, it really was a statement that could have meant so many things, but none of them good).  This lead to the running.  This  eventually lead to the removal of the ring.   This lead to more disconnect, distance.
 
 
While the misunderstanding was eventually resolved, the wound remained for a while.  Sometimes it really is a matter of time.  What further complicated the issue, was our connection hadn't been there before the misunderstanding.  I was still running. 
 
Internally I had run a full gamut of emotions over June and July.  I was indifferent.  I was numb.  I was frozen.  Hardened.  No longer allowing myself to feel hurt.  A friend told me she once told her husband, " The day I stop crying, is the day you need to worry about"...that day had come.  I didn't know if there was a way to come back to us.  I felt like I was a million pieces, shattered within me, and I had no idea how, or desire to start putting me back together.
 
 
 
We talked.  And talked.  Most talks were finally initiated by me in the beginning.  I had no choice.  We couldn't continue the way we were.  The way * I * was.  As time progressed,  I was bitter.  Bitter at nothing in particular, just bitter. 
 
Later, another stage came.  A stage where tears would burn my eyes over random situations.  My emotions were short circuiting.  It appeared that I had no control internally, but externally things remained the new status quo.  I feared I was returning to pre- ttwd Wilma.  Any little thing would set off an emotion, and I didn't know which one it was going to be.  This tid bit of information I didn't share with Barney.  I felt I no longer could 'trust' him with information which required me to bare my soul.  I felt I had done this too many times in the past, and it was like I had said nothing at all.  However, these thoughts weren't as coherent at the time.  I just couldn't share.  I couldn't share because I had no clue what was really happening. .... I realize I sound completely unstable.  Honestly, I was functioning, albeit in an extremely distracted and unfocused state. 
 
I was running.  I withdrew from people.  I wasn't laying in bed crying, as I had done in the past.  I felt wrung out.  Wilted.  Shattered and scattered.  A ghost of myself, I suppose.  I couldn't read about others, for I couldn't offer anything.  I became so frustrated with myself, because I missed myself. 
 
How can one function in a relationship that requires giving, when you feel you have nothing to give? 
 
 
One day, after something had set me off on another silent temper tantrum,  Barney and I were driving.  He asked me what was wrong.  I said , " nothing"
 
" Well we both know that is not true.  Tonight when I get home, we will be reconnecting" 
 
 
Yes, yes...Gold Nugget Alert.
 
 
The spanking before he had said,  " You have been going quiet on me lately.   I don't like it when you are quiet" 
 
 ( I think my family would have had a bird if they knew he was upset for me not talking! LOL.  Why look a gift horse in the mouth after all ?)
 
That night after work, he did spank me, but there was no questions asked.  No answers demanded.  No mention of the fact that I was being spanked for being quiet.  After the spanking was over,  I was hurt by something again.  ( It didn't take much during this time), but this was a road we had travelled down before.
 
The next day once again he asked me what was wrong.  I told him how he had hurt my feelings the night before.  He explained why he had said/done what he had.  I gave him a weak smile, of understanding and we moved on.  This interaction wouldn't have even happened the week prior.  I wouldn't have even been willing to let myself be upset.
 
Barney is aware that I have great difficulty trusting after I have been hurt. I trust easily and quickly until such time.  He knows that although I don't express it often, I feel very deeply when it comes to those I allow in.  We have talked at great length about this.  He is aware of it, but he doesn't completely understand it, for he doesn't let many in.  He isn't cold, quite the opposite.  He just operates differently.  He has friends that he cares very much for, but he basically reserves the 'deep' feelings for the four of us, and that is all.
 
 I think finally I am starting to get to a point where I can allow myself to stop running.  To start to slowly trust my husband again.  Really though it will still be a great leap of faith- internally, for me.  I am not sure even if faith will be involved, perhaps hope.  I don't doubt he can lead.  I have seen it. 
 
My fear lies within me that I can give myself freely again. That I can stop running, and unpack my bags.  Perhaps it is time for baby steps again.  Allowing him to carry my bags away from the front door, with the hopes that some day soon I will be able to pop them open.  Hope that I will let him see inside.  See what I am carrying once again- like I did a few months ago so willingly that it was second nature.
 
 
My first step is to not take a step at all... but to stop running.
 
(Sorry if this rambling didn't make much sense.  I am away from home, and have somehow managed to injure my back. I am having back spasms that are brutally painful, and am hyped up on pain meds.  But I wanted to let those of you who have checked up on me know where I was, and why I haven't really been around.)