Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Bad, The Very Ugly & The Good


 So when we last left each other, life was meh good.  As with most things around here that lasted for about 3 minutes ( infer what you will *wink* - ouch!).  Anyway the following week we started off well.  It was Sunday and I was sitting at our kitchen island.  Barney made some cheeky comment/request, and I responded with
" I'll think about it"~  ' The devil twinkling in my eyes'  as my girlfriend often says to me.

 
Barney looked directly into said eyes and said,
 
" I think we will be 'reconnecting' tomorrow" and kissed me good-bye.
 
" Okay. Suit yourself"
 
"Oh I KNOW we will be reconnecting tomorrow"
 
" Mmmhmmm"
 
 
Monday arrives.  Normally I am quite excited about Monday as I have the house to myself. 
 
 
Unfortunately something was brought to my attention on Sunday night.  While I don't really want to give this 'something' much weight, for a few days it did have me distracted. This had nothing to do with our family, or our relationship, either ttwd or vanilla wise.  In truth it later just became an annoyance but initially it brought forth a lot of old hurts and maybe even a trust issue.  It had me second guessing myself.  Monday morning, I decided to share this information with Barney.  He sat and listened to me attentively.  He could have just as easily dismissed this as 'woman drama' but he didn't.  He offered up his thoughts on the matter, which were mine, but in a little voice in my head, not the loudest one.  Essentially he told me the problem wasn't mine, and how he could understand how I would feel more hurt by this because of my past, not because of the person involved.  
 
I am mentioning this for two reasons.  First off, because before ttwd, I wouldn't have brought this to my husband.  I would have chatted to a few girlfriends and then brushed it under the carpet.  A couple of months ago I did go to Barney with something that was bothering me- after a couple of days.  Once again he offered up his perspective. It was vastly different than mine.  This made things easier to deal with.  This time it was only 24 hours ( and he had been working).  So yay me!  LOL..oh and secondly this delayed our r/a somewhat.  You see after talking about this for a while, Barney seemed less interested in r/a.
 
 

On to Tuesday....Barney didn't say anything about our 'reconnection appointment'- all day.  Not one word.  I wasn't going to pressure him or hound him.   He normally leaves for work around 2:45, but can leave later.  Our youngest son however, comes home at that time, everyday.  I was getting more and more anxious as the day wore on.  I can live without a spanking, I just become worried that we are going to slip into a bad place if he becomes inconsistent again.  Just after 2  I noticed he was dressed for work.  Well that was a pretty strong signal that he forgot.  He wasn't going to get wrinkled after all.  I decided a nap would be in order.  Our 'reconnection' spankings are usually around 30 to 40 minutes, so there was no longer any time.

Barney came into our room, took one look at me, took off his dress pants and said, " Let's go"
I lay over his lap and he WAILED away.



 I didn't flinch once.  NOT once.  I had already shut down when I went into our room.  After he was finished, I lay there across his lap.  He said nothing, with the exception of,  "I have to go to work".

I lay there for another moment or two and then curtly said,



" Let's examine why this didn't work shall we? First of all you ANNOUNCE r/a on Sunday for the following day.  Which didn't happen, but I can understand why.  Today you say nothing.  NOT one word.  As the time gets closer to when you are about to leave, I began to shut down.  We have talked so many times about waiting until the very last minute for NO reason to 'deal' with me.  I thought you forgot.  Then when you started, I kept thinking we weren't going to have enough time or that ( insert little prince's name) would walk in at any moment"

( Normally an interchange like this would not illicit this response from Barney).  He was livid

 
And basically I ended up like this...
 
 
  It was then MY turn to be livid.  I do believe things like, " See this is EXACTLY why I don't open up to you! " ( yeah so not fair to say, and actually untrue now.  It wasn't at the start of ttwd, but it is untrue now) were loudly said to him. 

I snatched a pile of loose dirty laundry and stormed out of our room.  Dropping thongs and boxer briefs as I went.  The first pair that fell I violently snatched  from the ground.  The next few pair lay where they fell as did the countless ones after.  My wayward laundry was making a mockery of my dramatic exit!



He came down into the laundry room to kiss me good-bye, but not much  more was exchanged.  ( Oh and for all you karma believers out there, one of my son's socks ended up in the laundry tub and flooded my laundry room).

The next morning when Barney was in the shower, I went and sat in the middle of our bed.


 

 
When he entered he looked at me and I said, " I think we need a do over"
 
" I think so too"
 
He then sat down on the bed and we talked.  He apologized for getting so angry with me.  I knew that the stress of feeling like we were failing as parents with our son had a lot to do with his reaction the previous day.  I later realized that my words of criticism to him meant he was further failing, not a means of communication.  I told him how I felt dismissed and unwanted when he pushed me away. I said to him that this was not the same situation.  We normally talk about these things so we can hopefully avoid them in the future. 
 
After some time, I also apologized. Apologized for raising my voice after he pushed me off of his lap, but I didn't apologize for what I had said before then.  He told me I was right to say what I did.   He agreed on a normal day, it wouldn't have mattered.
 
He then spanked me again.  I may not have flinched the day before, but he must have been VERY thorough, because when just his hand made contact I thought I was going to fly through the wall!   He has since decided that r/a will, whenever possible, take place over the course of two days! Something about my stubborn head
 
 
 
 
You see some HOH  friends of ours suggested to their wives, ( not to Barney thank goodness)  Barney give me corner time during a spanking . One HoH doesn't actually recall that TID bit of information,  he passed on.  I can only conclude it is because I am never naughty, so he can't fathom suggesting putting me in a corner!  Barney decided to just draw it out over a couple of days instead I guess????
 
 
Some other adjustments?  I am now supposed to write down my misdeeds, and bring them to Barney
 
 
Together we will read them and discuss them
 
 
The purpose of this is not for punishment.  It is so we are both on the same page.  Not for me to understand what he sees as disrespect etc..but for him to see what I consider I am doing that breaks the rules.  We are doing this because when I think I have done something wrong, and he doesn't say anything, I think he hasn't noticed.  Some times he has, and sometimes he hasn't.  But if I think he is not dealing with things, then resentment builds up, ( hey I didn't say it was a fair line of thinking) and then disappointment and then another block in the wall.  This way we can discuss each incident and see how the other felt about it at the time.   We actually started doing this two weeks ago.  It has been very helpful.  Sadly I am getting the short end of the stick on this one!  Every pun intended.  No seriously, he has only brought up one thing during r/a but we are getting to understand our relationship better.
 
Perhaps the biggest break through after this fiasco was Barney starting to read blogs again.  He said in our discussion that he too noticed,( I brought it up) he became disengaged this summer and not reading the odd post made it worse.  I sent him Zoe's post FREEDOM.  During this weeks r/a he said to me, 
 
" I now realize how me taking a casual attitude towards ttwd has been hurting us both.  It isn't helping you be all you want to be. Which in turn affects us. I am sorry about that. "
 
Has he tightened up the reins? No not really, not yet.  But he has held on to his back to back r/a sessions...and then another pre-emptive one before the weekend.  Not too mention he had already planned for one after the weekend.  Sheesh!   For those who aren't great at word problems, 3 spankings between Monday and Friday...and a promised 4th one the following Monday. Time will tell where this little adventure is going to take us next.
 
I wanted to leave you with a 'snippet' of our 'reconnection' from our :
 
 
 
 
  Fear not, even though there was a lot of light heartedness to our conversation,  there was a lot of 'contact' during and after!
 
So there I was, sitting on my side of the bed, (in only my underwear and bra, this is something new I started to soften myself, Barney seems not to mind)-filing my nails- being contrite
 
" Well it's a good thing you didn't require a list of misdeeds today, 'cause I've got nothin'" (  smiling and tossing my nail file back into the basket beside my bed)
 
Barney adjusting the pillows on the headboard,
 
" Well I was going to give you a list of accomplishments ...but........"
 
*SMACK* ( me hitting him) As I climbed over his lap, he continued
 
" But you know, our teenage son can be quite the distraction"
 
" Yes- Let's go with that shall we? " ( smack ON ME THIS TIME)




" Why are you so SASSY???" (continuing to warm me up)
 
 " Oh c'mon. you love it!" ( burying my face in the pillow)
 
Sigh-chuckle.--Oh you have never heard of it?  Barney has perfected it. It starts off as a sigh but ends in a disbelieving laugh.
 
 " Yes I do...most of the time" After a while and furious smacks he started talking again....
 
" Now I know that some of your tasks are mundane..."
 
" Oh I wouldn't call you mundane"
 
"Soooooo Sassy!...lets see if we can work on that"
 
 
 
 
And he did....*wink*
 
 



Saturday, September 21, 2013

Saying Goodbye

(Good grief, not US..we are FAR too messed up to leave here)


  For those who don't know, I hold Lillie and Ian, from At Ian and Lillie's Place ( sadly now a private blog) responsible for well EVERYTHING..LOL.  I reached out to Lillie before I started blogging.  Mostly by leaving comments on her blog.  She was always ( and still is) so sweet.  I began to blog as a journal before I even mentioned ttwd to my husband.  I was so nervous, I didn't even have the courage to tell Lillie I was blogging.  She found me .  Anyway, behind the scenes starting last October, she and Ian generously answered my questions.  They encouraged.  Once Barney decided to become the leader of our home, they offered advice in a way that was not condescending nor was it written in an absolute manner. (Even if Mr. Mammoth Hand McSpanky Pants can't remember ALL of the conversations!  sheesh).



This has continued for almost a year now. I think at times  Ian might have wanted to ditch me on some abandoned Prairie Road, but to his credit he hasn't.  Why am I telling you all of this?  Because this weekend, Ian and Lillie have made the decision to step away from blogging.  Don't get me wrong I support their decision, but I am selfishly sad.  I know that we are friends and that is not going to change.  I also know that 'exposing' friendships outside of blogs is sometimes frowned upon, but I am making no apologizes for it- and well honestly you'd have to live under a rock for you to not know how  crazy I am about these two.

 This couple, who we found through blogging, has been a great support and resource to many of us.  I honestly do not know where Barney and I would have been with ttwd without them that first month! and okay, well every month since! 

I know that those of you who subscribe to their private blog, often don't get updates ( hence the notification under my header) so I wanted to make sure that at least those who read my blog and theirs have a chance to say good bye.

Thank you Ian and Lillie for being so patient with a number of us.- for your insight and encouragement., for your kind words, and letting us take a glimpse into your Adventure with ttwd.  You may be leaving us, but you have definitely left your mark here. Make no mistake about that!



Run, Don't Walk to Buy

I was one of many fortunate to have a pre release reading of Renee Rose's latest book,  The Reddington Scandal, ( Canadian Link, but you can switch it to whichever country you are ordering from).    I have to confess that I have only read one of Renee's stories before, Lady Mariwyn's Punishment., ( hangs head in shame).  I did however love it, so I jumped at the opportunity to read her latest story! 
 

 



I mention my lack of knowledge of Renee's other stories because perhaps you are like me.  This story is a 'spin' off if you will from another book of Renee's,  The Westerfield Affair.  Do not let this detour if you haven't read this book ( although you could buy both!) I had not read that story first, and was NOT lost in the least.  One of the things I loved about The Reddington Scandal  is the fact that while Renee may mention characters from the previous story, snippets from the other book did not consume this story.

This story is about Teddy Fenton a rake,( stud muffin by todays standard) in the Regency era.  He is caught in a compromising position and the virginal Phoebe steps in to save him from her angry brother in law.  Teddy must marry Phoebe to save her good name.  So why would it be believable that a rake would do such a thing?  Care about the good name of a woman who has no emotional ties to?  Because of the way Renee writes!  She manages to weave Teddy's past and relationships with his younger sister and mother into this spanking fiction in a way that has you believing that at his core, Teddy is a kind man, who is capable of loving one woman.

What I love about this spanking fiction is the fact that it is a story first.  Yes there is plenty of spanking and well, sex, but it flows within the story.  It fits.  It belongs.  I live a mild Dd marriage.  Dd lite, I believe it is called.  The situations in which Pheobe finds herself in trouble with Teddy,  are very believable.  So believable that over a hundred years later, my husband would probably react the same way.  I love how  Teddy is not a tyrannical, benevolent dictator.  He wishes nothing but the best for his wife.  He truly wants her to 'grow' within herself.  He has plenty of patience and humour. In short Teddy will make you swoon!

Phoebe is also  a believable character.  She isn't one who out and out brats.  The situations that Renee places her in, that leads to spankings, are ones many could find themselves to be in.  Often they are brought on by emotions, and lack of communication or understanding.  She is a very likeable character, who is given more depth because she is hiding an emotional trauma from her husband.  This brings on an underlying tension throughout the book.  Her fears are just as much of a villain in this story as the one who caused them.

All in all what I am trying to say here is, I loved this book because it has depth of character and a believability to it.  Even though it is set in the Regency Era, the spanking story lines could transcend into the present day.  I started reading it, for only a moment, one afternoon and didn't put it down until I finished it.  I became invested in the characters.  I was rooting for Phoebe to let Teddy be everything she needed.  At no point in this story do you 'skim' to get to 'the good stuff'.  It is very well written.  And although I didn't have to pay for this book,  I can assure you that you will feel you have received your money's worth.  You will not feel like you were rushed to the end.  You will be satisfied- although if you are like me, you are hoping Renee is now writing about Teddy's younger sister Wynn  so you can read all about Teddy again!

I have never reviewed a book before, as I am certain you can tell.  TL over at Learning to Let Go, has done a far better job so please go read her review if mine seems too disjointed for you! 

Thank you Renee for trusting me with your latest 'baby'.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Punishment Interrupti

Ah, the kids are back in school.  Routines have been set.  Mommy Dearest has time to herself, so the house, more importantly the kitchen stays clean longer than 30 seconds minutes.    That is the real meaning of Fall~ fall back into a routine.  And here you thought it was something to do about trees getting nekkid for the winter.

 Everything is falling back into place, right? WRONG!!





   This is the Rubble abode, nothing stays smooth for long.  Sheesh, had I known choosing these characters as our blog alter egos would have potentially sentenced us to a life of rocky roads, I might have chosen something else...like these guys...


 
 
 
Anywho,  things have been rough here.  Not so much with ttwd, it is taking an unintentional back seat.  Things are rough with our oldest son.  This goes beyond normal teenage angst.  Or maybe it doesn't.  I don't know which end is up most days, and just when I think I catch my bearings I get tumbled again.  This is the type of thing that makes you question your past as a parent and gives you no sure footing in your present.  The type of thing where you feel like you are navigating a mine field .  Fearful if you misstep you will PUSH your teen onto a live mine.  So needless to say this is spilling into every aspect of our lives.  I am praying that we are experiencing the 'normal' part of a teenage 'adventure' when it comes to this.
 
As I have said before, Barney isn't great at multi-tasking mentally.  I am,( new word alert ) not good at
 
 
 
 
Oh just go with it!  Basically I have had to toughen up to deal with our son.  Not in a drill sergeant way, but in a way that removes emotions to try and clearly figure out a plan of action.  A way to try to put armour around my heart so when he started to shoot arrows in my direction after hearing of said plan, I wouldn't be too deeply wounded. 
 
 
 
 
 
 The difficulty with that was,  I couldn't turn around and fall into Barney's arms.  Logically I knew I needed to.  Emotionally I knew I longed to.  Realistically I couldn't.  I suppose the 'plus' side is, if this had happened last year, I wouldn't have known there was a problem within me keeping us apart.  Nor would have Barney.
 
Right so, that is what has been hanging over our heads.  Enter ttwd.  We were and are still building again.  Things weren't marching forward, but they were resuming the turtle with concrete running shoes speed that is the norm here in Bedrock.  Somehow along the way, I managed to break almost everything single rule we have, ( minus the more than 3 drinks one) in the span of 48 hours.  I know!
 
 
 
 
 
I know WHY it happened, but that doesn't make it any easier to take.  Now I could go on here, but a friend *cough* said my posts are 'sooooooooo long' so I'll just skip to the guilt.  About a day after my last infraction, where it didn't seem like Barney was going to do anything, ( I know stress) I was reading a book I bought about repairing your marriage.  This quote really stuck out for me :
 
 " Don't be an affection withholder- dispense your affections to your partner often and generously.  Be your partner's number one source of soothing comfort and warmth."
 
 
Even two weeks later, this makes me cry.  Barney tries so very hard to make everyone happy.  What does he see in return ? An ungrateful teen, which I know is par for the course, and a wife that is so balled up he is afraid to turn to her.  His fear?- that she will become angry with what he has to say. 
 
The next morning, after my sob fest in my room, at the breakfast table, I sat down to write on a scrap piece of paper I had. 
 
B- " Whatcha got there?"
 
W- " Oh.  I am writing down all my misdemeanors over the past week.  I heard some women have to do that for their husbands.  So I thought what the heck?  Um, but I am beginning to think I should have gotten a bigger piece of paper"
 
B- chuckling
 
W-" Okay.  Done.  Oh wait...and shoot...grr. Okay here"
 
Barney took the list and read it over.  Then he flipped the piece of paper to see if there was more on the back!
 
W- ( laughing) " JERK!"
 
B-  Laughing and quite proud of himself!  ~ pfft
 
B- " Yes I saw all of these things.  I thought about what to do about them.  Things have been a little crazy around here, but I was thinking about them"
 
W- " Okay.  Do you think that maybe next time you can tell me?"
 
B- " Yes I know I am terrible about that.  I will try.  But we will deal with these things.  It is still daunting on how to figure out how to punish you. Titanium butt"
 
W- " Hard head more like it
 
B- " True"
 
W- " Well you may want to consider what we have talked about ( AT LENGTH I might add) before about a different position."
 
Barney, rotation his swinging shoulder around.  " Yes, I just need about a 6 foot radius to swing...
 
" WHAT? " Wilma laughing, " Like a roundhouse KICK? but with your arm???"
 
B- " Yeah, I might need a running start too"
 
W- " You're a goof."
 
Once again he is quite proud of himself.
 
He got up from the table, leaving the paper behind.  I picked it up to hand it to him
 
W-" Here keep this.  It will help you find your words"
 
B- " OH good point"
 
At this point I would like you all to know, that yes indeed I am certifiably insane!
 
PUNISHMENT DAY.
 
After some um, reconsideration of the position Barney wanted me in ( yeah, yeah, save it I know) he started.  He talked and talked ( this is GOOD for him).  He does have a round about way of saying things so I had to pay close attention.  After about 15 minutes he stopped. 
 
B- " That is enough for now"
 
In my head, ' um say what?  THAT is a punishment? '  He hadn't even left me in the anger stage.  But now I was angry.  I was angry because I was hurt.  There was no aftercare.  There was nothing.  He flopped on the bed.  I redressed and went downstairs silently fuming.  I violently made my grocery shopping list.  Oh it can be done!
 
Eventually he came downstairs flopping down in a chair.  I glared. 
 
 
W- " I'm going out" .  ( This was part of my lecture during my punishment, I have to announce when I am going somewhere.  I, um disappeared for 4 hours one night...long story)
 
B- " Do you want company? "
W, curtly- " I don't care" ( all the while thinking please ask me what is wrong....Yeah I know mature.  Tell me YOU haven't been there *wink*)
 
B- " Well obviously you don't "
 
Long silence....
 
 
 
  
 
B- " Do you want to tell me what is wrong?"
 
W- " Why don't we try something different ?  Why don't YOU tell me what is wrong"
 
B- Sighing, "  I stopped too early.  I left you in a bad place.  I knew I was."
 
He said a few more things but I honestly couldn't believe what I had just heard.  He knew he was leaving me in a bad place?  I was crushed.  I had thought he wasn't paying attention, and that all the communication we had up to this point was forgotten once again.  The emotions that this revelation brought up was more confusing.  He was aware of what he was doing yet he chose to do it anyway.
 
W- " Pardon me?  You knew that you were leaving me in a bad spot, ( my volume rising) and yet you chose to do that anyway?  Do you know what that does to me ?  To US when I am left in this spot? "
 
B- " Yes I do and I am sorry."
 
W- " Then why did you do it???"
 
Once again I was met with silence.  Eventually he spoke again, but more softly this time.  Like he was unsure how what he was going to say would be received, or if he was unsure of what truth there was to what he was about to say,
 
 B- " I heard Mike next door out back.  I stopped because. ...... Well I know this is consensual between us.  And I have absolutely NO problem doing this.  I guess I just get so nervous that someone else will hear and not understand what the noise is, ( for the record he is talking about the thudding of a paddle, not me screaming or crying)"
 
W- " Well I can certainly understand that, but why didn't you just COMMUNICATE that to me? I would have understood, rather than THIS state we find ourselves in now"
 
B- " I don't know. I guess I thought that when I said, ' that is it for now' you understood that we would finish later"
 
 
B- " Yeah I know. I'm sorry" 
 
Then out of no where,
 
 
 
B- " Let's go finish"
 
And finish he did.  Holy smokes that 30 minute intermission resulted in a bum thaw...So YEOUCH round 2 was much more, um memorable!  But it also 'did the trick'
 
I was hoping to get to our latest 'blip' but I guess that will have to wait until next week!  Cliff hanger ? ..not really.   
 



Saturday, September 7, 2013

I Mean EVERYONE Knows you.....

After some heavy posts I thought I'd share what happen a couple of weeks ago in our house.  Oh fear not some very 'heavish' stuff happened here the other day which I will probably write about soon, once I can catch my breath again....

Barney and I were laying in bed.  I had my head on his chest

 
 
Much like this couple, only without the Masterlife thing, his right hand resting on my hip. Well he has more hair on his chest and less on his head.  Actually I have WAY more hair on my head!  I mention this because he kept "pfth , pfth, pfthing"  as my frizzy curls kept making their way into his mouth.

The noise he was making reminded me of a conversation I had online with a Dd wifey friend of ours.  I raised my head,relieving him briefly of his pfthing... ( I mean honestly the way he was carrying on you'd think he had just walked through a spider web!)




Me " Oh, Oh. Oh!  I forgot to tell you about a conversation I had in chat yesterday with ******* !"

He just chuckled. " Okay"

(This is an by memory account of our conversation;)

Her " Oh you'll never guess what I did on Saturday."

Me " Okay, I'll bite"

Her " I pffft ( her husband)"

Me " You WHAT????"

Her " I know"

ME " Why on earth would you do that???"

Her " I don't know!!"

Me" Well? "

Her " He said ...." Well Willie maybe able to get away with that.......for now, BUT you..."

Me " HE SAID WHAT? !!!  I DON''T pffffft BARNEY!!!! Well not outside of print on the blog"

At this point in the story Barney, chuckling looks me in the eye and very seriously says, " No you don't.  That would be very disrespectful." Then he chuckled again, " But you do like to on the blog"

Me to him..." Yeah,...anyway"

Him, " Yes, sorry. Continue"

Me to him " Right so I typed back in all caps: YOU TELL HIM THAT RIGHT NOW!  I DON'T NEED HIM THINKING...sheesh, I mean C'MON! "

Her " I DID TELL HIM ! "

Barney began chuckling again about my silly conversation with our friend, or perhaps that it had me so worked up.  I lay back down on his chest and started to settle down, recovering from my animated, mocked outrage.  His hand went back to my hip.

Me, in  a sleepier voice.  " I mean honestly, why would she do that?  Pfffting HIM of all people ? "

Barney, still clearly amused, " I'm not sure- momentary lapse of reason? "

ME, " Still, such and obvious way to get in trouble"

Barney, " Umhmm"

Me, yawning, " Everyone knows, you wait until you turn around and then silently roll your eyes so you ....



" HEY!" ~ very much awake again

A rather amused chuckle from above







***  Over the past few weeks with the posts that summed up our Summer of Suckiness, I wanted to publically thank those of you who sent me emails, not only offering me support, but for telling me that you too have been there , or are going through similar things.  Those type of comments are so supportive. Maybe  more than you know.  It is difficult to continually type out 'downer-type' posts.  I realize a great majority don't want to revisit with these type of posts.  Knowing that a few of you out there ( while I'm not happy that you are going through a difficult time) have taken comfort in knowing that TTWD can be more of a struggle for some more than others finding a flow because of my posts, gives me strength to keep my fortitude in retelling all the messiness that happens here.   So Thank you for reaching out and sharing you stories with me too.

Monday, September 2, 2013

How To Get The Funk Out

  After recovering from our 'funk', a few women have asked me how I managed to get out of it. The truth of the matter is I don't know.  I mean a lot and nothing ?  LOL.  When I first started thinking about this past summer, I had a image of a message in a bottle on the water.



 
The waves and current tossing it about. When the waves were high, I could see land.  I could see hope, other times the same waves tossed my little bottle under.  Fortunately I have learned to float and eventually bobbed back up again.  Myself and my message inside were always hoping to reach shore to be read. 
 
I suppose my little bottle must have had arms to swim and steer in some way.  I think trying to maintain my 'surrendering' self, and respect our relationship,( even without the wedding ring) helped bring me a little closer to shore.  Although feeling sea sick was a huge obstacle to contend with.

 
 
 
 
 Barney was the lighthouse on shore, even if I didn't realize it all the time.  He was consistent, sometimes in a 'bad' way, but consistent.  He didn't move away, or turn off his signal.  He just waited for me to get to shore.  Occasionally he would 'amp' up the light on a stormy day. Whether I chose to look in that direction was up to me.
 
 
So to answer the question, did I do anything specific to get out of the funk?  I tried many things; retail therapy, exercise, new hobbies, stepping away from blogland for a bit, writing...talking to others-to Barney,  waiting.  Letting the waves crash over me when I thought I couldn't anymore.  I think ALL of these things moved my little bottle closer to shore, gently, dislodging the lid so when finally found my way to land, my inner thoughts and feelings were able to be let out in away that was a clear, and constructive manner.
 

 
 
 
Such a difficult thing, the waiting part.  I think  it looks like giving up to some-to ourselves, but it might just be a way to protect ourselves.  To 'shut down' and let things take their course.  Some days all you can do it put one foot in front of the other, stop questioning and just be.  ( Yes I am aware of how Hippy sounding I am at the moment).
 
 
 
I honestly do believe at one point this summer,  I had to empty my brain.  Not that I was obsessed with TTWD.  That is not what I mean.  I think with all that had happened between us in May and June and unresolved issues, I had to clear my head.  I had to be willing to start again, fresh.  I was harboring ill feelings.  Piling new ones on top of old.  I don't have any suggestions on how to do that- clear your mind that is.  I can tell you that in May and June I thought I wasn't holding on to these ill feelings.  I thought I was over them, but I know now I was trying to force myself to a level I wasn't ready to go to because things were still unresolved in my head.  In my heart.

Have those things been resolved?  Yes.  No.  And I can truthfully say, it really doesn't matter anymore.  My heart is lighter and my mind is ready.  Oh we still struggle.  We struggle greatly, and often.  But my hope is never to get to the point again where I just continue to mask things, or hope that if I stuff it down it will go away.

So to answer the question, how did I get out of my funk?  No clue for sure.


 
 
Time if I were to guess. 

 My suggestion for those who haven't been in one so 'grand',  don't ignore the little stuff that doesn't really FEEL little to you at the time.  Take some time and examine and listen to yourself. Is it really just something little and you can work with it, or is it something that has to be worked through ?   I wish I had persevered with the 'little' things back in the late spring. Every time things got better I just wanted to build on that, ignoring what I was feeling. Wanting to get back, when in fact there is no going back- only to a new forward.

  Meh, hindsight is 20/20.   Live and learn.....and well




 
OOOPS....I mean,