Everything is falling back into place, right? WRONG!!
This is the Rubble abode, nothing stays smooth for long. Sheesh, had I known choosing these characters as our blog alter egos would have potentially sentenced us to a life of rocky roads, I might have chosen something else...like these guys...
Anywho, things have been rough here. Not so much with ttwd, it is taking an unintentional back seat. Things are rough with our oldest son. This goes beyond normal teenage angst. Or maybe it doesn't. I don't know which end is up most days, and just when I think I catch my bearings I get tumbled again. This is the type of thing that makes you question your past as a parent and gives you no sure footing in your present. The type of thing where you feel like you are navigating a mine field . Fearful if you misstep you will PUSH your teen onto a live mine. So needless to say this is spilling into every aspect of our lives. I am praying that we are experiencing the 'normal' part of a teenage 'adventure' when it comes to this.
As I have said before, Barney isn't great at multi-tasking mentally. I am,( new word alert ) not good at
Oh just go with it! Basically I have had to toughen up to deal with our son. Not in a drill sergeant way, but in a way that removes emotions to try and clearly figure out a plan of action. A way to try to put armour around my heart so when he started to shoot arrows in my direction after hearing of said plan, I wouldn't be too deeply wounded.
The difficulty with that was, I couldn't turn around and fall into Barney's arms. Logically I knew I needed to. Emotionally I knew I longed to. Realistically I couldn't. I suppose the 'plus' side is, if this had happened last year, I wouldn't have known there was a problem within me keeping us apart. Nor would have Barney.
Right so, that is what has been hanging over our heads. Enter ttwd. We were and are still building again. Things weren't marching forward, but they were resuming the turtle with concrete running shoes speed that is the norm here in Bedrock. Somehow along the way, I managed to break almost everything single rule we have, ( minus the more than 3 drinks one) in the span of 48 hours. I know!
I know WHY it happened, but that doesn't make it any easier to take. Now I could go on here, but a friend *cough* said my posts are 'sooooooooo long' so I'll just skip to the guilt. About a day after my last infraction, where it didn't seem like Barney was going to do anything, ( I know stress) I was reading a book I bought about repairing your marriage. This quote really stuck out for me :
" Don't be an affection withholder- dispense your affections to your partner often and generously. Be your partner's number one source of soothing comfort and warmth."
Even two weeks later, this makes me cry. Barney tries so very hard to make everyone happy. What does he see in return ? An ungrateful teen, which I know is par for the course, and a wife that is so balled up he is afraid to turn to her. His fear?- that she will become angry with what he has to say.
The next morning, after my sob fest in my room, at the breakfast table, I sat down to write on a scrap piece of paper I had.
B- " Whatcha got there?"
W- " Oh. I am writing down all my misdemeanors over the past week. I heard some women have to do that for their husbands. So I thought what the heck? Um, but I am beginning to think I should have gotten a bigger piece of paper"
W-" Okay. Done. Oh wait...and shoot...grr. Okay here"
Barney took the list and read it over. Then he flipped the piece of paper to see if there was more on the back!
W- ( laughing) " JERK!"
B- Laughing and quite proud of himself! ~ pfft
B- " Yes I saw all of these things. I thought about what to do about them. Things have been a little crazy around here, but I was thinking about them"
W- " Okay. Do you think that maybe next time you can tell me?"
B- " Yes I know I am terrible about that. I will try. But we will deal with these things. It is still daunting on how to figure out how to punish you. Titanium butt"
W- " Hard head more like it
B- " True"
W- " Well you may want to consider what we have talked about ( AT LENGTH I might add) before about a different position."
Barney, rotation his swinging shoulder around. " Yes, I just need about a 6 foot radius to swing...
" WHAT? " Wilma laughing, " Like a roundhouse KICK? but with your arm???"
B- " Yeah, I might need a running start too"
W- " You're a goof."
Once again he is quite proud of himself.
He got up from the table, leaving the paper behind. I picked it up to hand it to him
W-" Here keep this. It will help you find your words"
B- " OH good point"
At this point I would like you all to know, that yes indeed I am certifiably insane!
After some um, reconsideration of the position Barney wanted me in ( yeah, yeah, save it I know) he started. He talked and talked ( this is GOOD for him). He does have a round about way of saying things so I had to pay close attention. After about 15 minutes he stopped.
B- " That is enough for now"
In my head, ' um say what? THAT is a punishment? ' He hadn't even left me in the anger stage. But now I was angry. I was angry because I was hurt. There was no aftercare. There was nothing. He flopped on the bed. I redressed and went downstairs silently fuming. I violently made my grocery shopping list. Oh it can be done!
Eventually he came downstairs flopping down in a chair. I glared.
W- " I'm going out" . ( This was part of my lecture during my punishment, I have to announce when I am going somewhere. I, um disappeared for 4 hours one night...long story)
B- " Do you want company? "
W, curtly- " I don't care" ( all the while thinking please ask me what is wrong....Yeah I know mature. Tell me YOU haven't been there *wink*)
B- " Well obviously you don't "
B- " Do you want to tell me what is wrong?"
W- " Why don't we try something different ? Why don't YOU tell me what is wrong"
B- Sighing, " I stopped too early. I left you in a bad place. I knew I was."
He said a few more things but I honestly couldn't believe what I had just heard. He knew he was leaving me in a bad place? I was crushed. I had thought he wasn't paying attention, and that all the communication we had up to this point was forgotten once again. The emotions that this revelation brought up was more confusing. He was aware of what he was doing yet he chose to do it anyway.
W- " Pardon me? You knew that you were leaving me in a bad spot, ( my volume rising) and yet you chose to do that anyway? Do you know what that does to me ? To US when I am left in this spot? "
B- " Yes I do and I am sorry."
W- " Then why did you do it???"
Once again I was met with silence. Eventually he spoke again, but more softly this time. Like he was unsure how what he was going to say would be received, or if he was unsure of what truth there was to what he was about to say,
B- " I heard Mike next door out back. I stopped because. ...... Well I know this is consensual between us. And I have absolutely NO problem doing this. I guess I just get so nervous that someone else will hear and not understand what the noise is, ( for the record he is talking about the thudding of a paddle, not me screaming or crying)"
W- " Well I can certainly understand that, but why didn't you just COMMUNICATE that to me? I would have understood, rather than THIS state we find ourselves in now"
B- " I don't know. I guess I thought that when I said, ' that is it for now' you understood that we would finish later"
B- " Yeah I know. I'm sorry"
Then out of no where,
B- " Let's go finish"
And finish he did. Holy smokes that 30 minute intermission resulted in a bum thaw...So YEOUCH round 2 was much more, um memorable! But it also 'did the trick'
I was hoping to get to our latest 'blip' but I guess that will have to wait until next week! Cliff hanger ? ..not really.