Friday, September 13, 2013

Punishment Interrupti

Ah, the kids are back in school.  Routines have been set.  Mommy Dearest has time to herself, so the house, more importantly the kitchen stays clean longer than 30 seconds minutes.    That is the real meaning of Fall~ fall back into a routine.  And here you thought it was something to do about trees getting nekkid for the winter.

 Everything is falling back into place, right? WRONG!!





   This is the Rubble abode, nothing stays smooth for long.  Sheesh, had I known choosing these characters as our blog alter egos would have potentially sentenced us to a life of rocky roads, I might have chosen something else...like these guys...


 
 
 
Anywho,  things have been rough here.  Not so much with ttwd, it is taking an unintentional back seat.  Things are rough with our oldest son.  This goes beyond normal teenage angst.  Or maybe it doesn't.  I don't know which end is up most days, and just when I think I catch my bearings I get tumbled again.  This is the type of thing that makes you question your past as a parent and gives you no sure footing in your present.  The type of thing where you feel like you are navigating a mine field .  Fearful if you misstep you will PUSH your teen onto a live mine.  So needless to say this is spilling into every aspect of our lives.  I am praying that we are experiencing the 'normal' part of a teenage 'adventure' when it comes to this.
 
As I have said before, Barney isn't great at multi-tasking mentally.  I am,( new word alert ) not good at
 
 
 
 
Oh just go with it!  Basically I have had to toughen up to deal with our son.  Not in a drill sergeant way, but in a way that removes emotions to try and clearly figure out a plan of action.  A way to try to put armour around my heart so when he started to shoot arrows in my direction after hearing of said plan, I wouldn't be too deeply wounded. 
 
 
 
 
 
 The difficulty with that was,  I couldn't turn around and fall into Barney's arms.  Logically I knew I needed to.  Emotionally I knew I longed to.  Realistically I couldn't.  I suppose the 'plus' side is, if this had happened last year, I wouldn't have known there was a problem within me keeping us apart.  Nor would have Barney.
 
Right so, that is what has been hanging over our heads.  Enter ttwd.  We were and are still building again.  Things weren't marching forward, but they were resuming the turtle with concrete running shoes speed that is the norm here in Bedrock.  Somehow along the way, I managed to break almost everything single rule we have, ( minus the more than 3 drinks one) in the span of 48 hours.  I know!
 
 
 
 
 
I know WHY it happened, but that doesn't make it any easier to take.  Now I could go on here, but a friend *cough* said my posts are 'sooooooooo long' so I'll just skip to the guilt.  About a day after my last infraction, where it didn't seem like Barney was going to do anything, ( I know stress) I was reading a book I bought about repairing your marriage.  This quote really stuck out for me :
 
 " Don't be an affection withholder- dispense your affections to your partner often and generously.  Be your partner's number one source of soothing comfort and warmth."
 
 
Even two weeks later, this makes me cry.  Barney tries so very hard to make everyone happy.  What does he see in return ? An ungrateful teen, which I know is par for the course, and a wife that is so balled up he is afraid to turn to her.  His fear?- that she will become angry with what he has to say. 
 
The next morning, after my sob fest in my room, at the breakfast table, I sat down to write on a scrap piece of paper I had. 
 
B- " Whatcha got there?"
 
W- " Oh.  I am writing down all my misdemeanors over the past week.  I heard some women have to do that for their husbands.  So I thought what the heck?  Um, but I am beginning to think I should have gotten a bigger piece of paper"
 
B- chuckling
 
W-" Okay.  Done.  Oh wait...and shoot...grr. Okay here"
 
Barney took the list and read it over.  Then he flipped the piece of paper to see if there was more on the back!
 
W- ( laughing) " JERK!"
 
B-  Laughing and quite proud of himself!  ~ pfft
 
B- " Yes I saw all of these things.  I thought about what to do about them.  Things have been a little crazy around here, but I was thinking about them"
 
W- " Okay.  Do you think that maybe next time you can tell me?"
 
B- " Yes I know I am terrible about that.  I will try.  But we will deal with these things.  It is still daunting on how to figure out how to punish you. Titanium butt"
 
W- " Hard head more like it
 
B- " True"
 
W- " Well you may want to consider what we have talked about ( AT LENGTH I might add) before about a different position."
 
Barney, rotation his swinging shoulder around.  " Yes, I just need about a 6 foot radius to swing...
 
" WHAT? " Wilma laughing, " Like a roundhouse KICK? but with your arm???"
 
B- " Yeah, I might need a running start too"
 
W- " You're a goof."
 
Once again he is quite proud of himself.
 
He got up from the table, leaving the paper behind.  I picked it up to hand it to him
 
W-" Here keep this.  It will help you find your words"
 
B- " OH good point"
 
At this point I would like you all to know, that yes indeed I am certifiably insane!
 
PUNISHMENT DAY.
 
After some um, reconsideration of the position Barney wanted me in ( yeah, yeah, save it I know) he started.  He talked and talked ( this is GOOD for him).  He does have a round about way of saying things so I had to pay close attention.  After about 15 minutes he stopped. 
 
B- " That is enough for now"
 
In my head, ' um say what?  THAT is a punishment? '  He hadn't even left me in the anger stage.  But now I was angry.  I was angry because I was hurt.  There was no aftercare.  There was nothing.  He flopped on the bed.  I redressed and went downstairs silently fuming.  I violently made my grocery shopping list.  Oh it can be done!
 
Eventually he came downstairs flopping down in a chair.  I glared. 
 
 
W- " I'm going out" .  ( This was part of my lecture during my punishment, I have to announce when I am going somewhere.  I, um disappeared for 4 hours one night...long story)
 
B- " Do you want company? "
W, curtly- " I don't care" ( all the while thinking please ask me what is wrong....Yeah I know mature.  Tell me YOU haven't been there *wink*)
 
B- " Well obviously you don't "
 
Long silence....
 
 
 
  
 
B- " Do you want to tell me what is wrong?"
 
W- " Why don't we try something different ?  Why don't YOU tell me what is wrong"
 
B- Sighing, "  I stopped too early.  I left you in a bad place.  I knew I was."
 
He said a few more things but I honestly couldn't believe what I had just heard.  He knew he was leaving me in a bad place?  I was crushed.  I had thought he wasn't paying attention, and that all the communication we had up to this point was forgotten once again.  The emotions that this revelation brought up was more confusing.  He was aware of what he was doing yet he chose to do it anyway.
 
W- " Pardon me?  You knew that you were leaving me in a bad spot, ( my volume rising) and yet you chose to do that anyway?  Do you know what that does to me ?  To US when I am left in this spot? "
 
B- " Yes I do and I am sorry."
 
W- " Then why did you do it???"
 
Once again I was met with silence.  Eventually he spoke again, but more softly this time.  Like he was unsure how what he was going to say would be received, or if he was unsure of what truth there was to what he was about to say,
 
 B- " I heard Mike next door out back.  I stopped because. ...... Well I know this is consensual between us.  And I have absolutely NO problem doing this.  I guess I just get so nervous that someone else will hear and not understand what the noise is, ( for the record he is talking about the thudding of a paddle, not me screaming or crying)"
 
W- " Well I can certainly understand that, but why didn't you just COMMUNICATE that to me? I would have understood, rather than THIS state we find ourselves in now"
 
B- " I don't know. I guess I thought that when I said, ' that is it for now' you understood that we would finish later"
 
 
B- " Yeah I know. I'm sorry" 
 
Then out of no where,
 
 
 
B- " Let's go finish"
 
And finish he did.  Holy smokes that 30 minute intermission resulted in a bum thaw...So YEOUCH round 2 was much more, um memorable!  But it also 'did the trick'
 
I was hoping to get to our latest 'blip' but I guess that will have to wait until next week!  Cliff hanger ? ..not really.   
 



42 comments:

  1. Wilma, thanks for your post. My wife and I have been doing our DD for a few months now, and we are still learning- (her blog is here: http://oftrc.blogspot.com/) It's good to see a couple who's been doing it a little longer share their experiences. I think I remember another post of yours stating Barney wasn't all typical 'HoH-y' and I can relate to that.
    If you don’t mind me asking, how does Barney decide when to stop? How do your reactions play into giving him cues or hints through your various emotional states?

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    1. Welcome Foothills,

      I don't mind at all, my life is pretty much an anonymous open book! This is a difficult question to answer for a few reasons. ( Please understand that this is going to sound like I am saying I'm superwoman, and I don't mean it to at all) Apparently I have a very high pain tolerance level. I was to be endued for our third son because as the OBGYN put it, " You have a poor perception of pain" and barely made it to the hospital on time with our second, despite being in labour for about 5 hours. Anyway so Barney often stops because what he is seeing is 'enough' . This is how we overcame a great deal of this foothills~ we are NOT gurus at this by any,any means, we talked. Maintenance, or as Barney likes to call them Reconnection spankings often involved a great deal of spanking before, sometimes during and after. He rubs my back and asks me how I am doing, judging from my response NOW he is better at it. ie if I am curt and say fine, he knows I am in the anger zone and to continue. But prior to that we would talk it out. It takes a long time for a woman to know herself.

      I know for me I go into a spanking angry. Even if it is one I want. I believe that is my body's way of 'getting through' the pain. I have shared this with Barney along with the idea of not talking to me at the start because of this. Everything his says further angers me until I let go a little. Then I get a little sassy. I'll crack a joke or something, it usually involves laughing, and now because of communication, he knows where I am in this.

      We have learned together that he needs to switch implements b/c wood works best with me but you tend to go numb with wood, so he'll use leather or his hand in between. Those swats in between don't really sting that much, but once the wood is brought back in it does. Again these are all things we discovered together. Discovered because at the start our r/a sessions were open for discussion.

      I am not sure if you read a while ago where I said Barney said, " At the start when you would tell me what worked and what didn't work, I took as a criticism. Now I realize if it isn't working than what is the point?" So MY advice to you is to talk to your wife. Ask her before you let her up, how she is doing. Where she is at. Then ask her again the next day, ( sometimes we really don't know right away) if you were actually able to reach her. Listen to her and remember that in order for this to it has to work for her. Don't try to see her thoughts as criticism ( she may say you haven't spanked her hard enough, that is a big one for newer HoHs) but as a way to move closer to your goals. Hopefully she can honestly tell you what is going on in her with it.

      Yes, yes, that Blasted Communication is key again. I know it would be so much easier to give you instructions akin to Grilling a Steak, touch here on your hand for rare...etc....but no such luck!

      I shall head over to her blog soon!

      Feel free to email us anytime. In truth even if you want Barney you are best to email me, and I'll make sure he sees it!
      willie

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    2. * Reconnection spankings involved a great deal of TALKING...LOL of course there was a great deal of spanking!

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    3. I like how you said "my life is pretty much an anonymous open book" - It's odd how easy for us all to share all these things with people in blogland but the thought of sharing it with your real life friends beckons thoughts of fear, judgement and misunderstanding. Weird isn't it? - and yet, that's what Blogland is here for. :)
      You're right too, you can't emphasize good communication too much.

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    4. Foothills, I have told Barney about your comment and he promises to answer. Perhaps not today, but he is not working for the next 4 days, ( it will probably take my one fingered typer 2 days to type it out! lol) but he will do it!

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    5. Hi Foothills,

      I know with Wilma, whatever the situation, the spanking will have to be thorough! I do stop (pause) and ask her how she is doing several times and by her response and tone I can usually tell where Wilma is at emotionally. To Wilma's credit she has become very consistent in her response and this really helps me gauge where to go from there. As you might know Wilma seems to have an amazing tolerance and sometimes I have to pause for my own benefit. Sometimes I stop when I think that continuing would cross the line physically. When a spanking has followed a day or less after an other Wilma`s sensitivity is higher and a little less time is usually needed for it to be effective. Hope this helps a little.

      Barney

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    6. Hey Barney thanks for letting me know. I've read on many DD blogs about different approaches - some give more of a "do this many swats (or spank for xxx period of time)" and some are more "spank until the message is received". We were doing the 1st approach but I think we're leaning toward the 2nd, as it seems to REQUIRE more communication and sensitivity to the situation. Thank again

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    7. Me again ( because I just can't seem to shut up apparently! ). The first time Barney spanked me he did the X amount of swats too. It was a disaster! I was so p*ssed for lack of a more eloquent word. Spank until the message is received....I guess. I mean often that message doesn't make it to my brain until hours later ( have I mentioned I'm a bit of a hard head?). The first time I was REALLY punished, my emotions and head went spinning into a million directions. I think I have some disjointed post about it somewhere back in January. Anyway, I didn't climb into Barney's lap and do all the things you read about. I 'ran' physically and mentally. Like pieces of me were blown all over the place, I had to collect them before I could turn to Barney. I did about an hour later. There is sooooooooooooooooo much more to this that just the swats and the reddened bottom, that is for sure.

      But you seem to understand what it means so that is fantastic. It gets messy. It really does, and like you said communication and sensitivity are the key factors to success.

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  2. I love the word multi-emotionalising!

    Why can't they just say what they mean (and mean what they say!)

    Glad it was all worked through in the end though.

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    1. Thanks Janey!

      I didn't think I'd be getting such positive 'reviews' for a word that is so difficult to role off the tongue! Guess we are all in the same emotional boat, ( with no paddles!)

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  3. It isn't until we become parents ourselves that we truly start to grasp that all of those times when it felt like our own parents didn't understand - they were really acting out of a need to protect us and guard our future. You guys are doing a great job and he's a great kid. You will get to the other side of this.

    And...it totally makes sense that this issue would be consuming to the point of distraction, emotionally and functionally, so keep reminding each other of that and keep taking care of each other:)

    Yawn! This girl is going to bed earlier tonight;)

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    1. Thanks Tess, from your lips to God's ears! I appreciate your pep talk. I shall chant it mentally, if only so I don't strangle him!

      AND you didn't just go there with the sleeping thing! Gabby guts!

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  4. Ahhhhhhh - communication strikes again. :)

    Glad you talked and glad he finished.

    Hugs to ya......

    Ps, love what you said to Foothills :)

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    1. Hi Sarah

      Yes communication the super hero saves the day again....just wish it didn't show up until AFTER the train wreck. Some day

      and thanks!

      hugging back

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  5. Hi Willie,

    Firstly, I love the new look! How do you manage to write serious posts in such an entertaining way? I had to laugh at some of this. Especially the conversation between you when you were showing Barney your list.

    I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your son. As Tess said, it does make total sense that this would be all consuming and that you are having trouble multi-emotionalizing (love that BTW. Keep trying to work together and lean on each other.

    Reading this after the fact I an totally see that there was some miscommunication and how this left you feeling. That C word again eh ... communication.

    I'm glad it was resolved in the end and really hope the issues with your son improve soon.

    Love and hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz. I don't know about entertaining writing, this is just our lives...I guess we are mildly amusing over here? LOL

      Love
      willie

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  6. Willie, there is absolutely nothing that causes more angst and worry than your kids. Living and dealing with teenagers is difficult. One minute they act like sensible humans and then in a blink of an eye they become some strange creature from another world. As much as they will deny it, all kids need and want rules. They will push to see how far they can go just to find their limits. Be fair, but be firm loving and things will be fine. Remember Mark Twain said "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years".

    Multi-emotionalizing....I like it! Good for Barney that he finished the job in such a splendid manner!

    Hugs,
    George

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    1. SUCH A SPLENDID MANNER? !!! There was no marching band George! LOL

      I love your Mark Twain quote. It certainly puts things in perspective doesn't it ?

      Hugs,
      willie

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  7. My plan is to move out when mine become teenagers. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, but I'm glad you were both able to communicate what you needed. It's so simple and so hard sometimes.

    Hugs!!

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    1. Oh I did move out Jennelle for 4 hours...um that was unintentional. I fell asleep. BUT I wouldn't recommend that action either! LOL.

      OH *I* communicate! LOL...Barney, not so much.

      hugs to you

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  8. This post is awesome! Not to sound condescending, but I'm so proud of both of you. I know how hard it was for you guys to get to this point. You had a problem and you talked through it immediately. That is some fantastic progress. That doesn't seem like a turtle in concrete shoes (where do you come up with these similes?) to me. I'm glad you both got to the place you needed to be in. :)

    I hope that the teenage stuff works out soon.

    Love ya!

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    1. Yes, yes, far be it for you to be condescending. *wink*. Thanks TL. To be honest it is very frustrating revisiting the NON communication thing time and time again. Barney is getting much better so that is a plus. I am learning to not communicate so um, loudly? LOL.

      Not sure how the teenage stuff is going to play out. Never a dull moment in Bedrock !

      love ya too! Great to see you 'back'

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  9. Yay! Non of your restrictive "Ten smacks and three strokes of the cane" and we're done" (regardless of whether you were *really* done after the first three smacks, or whether you need eight times that amount with whatever implement, or *no* implements) 'standard' mentality, but real spankings gauged to meet real life variable needs....,,,

    Rosalind

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    1. LOL...well Rosalind, my spankings are QUITE lengthy. I sometimes think Barney looks the other way because he can't handle the workout! LOL We would definitely never get anywhere following 'directions' or 'guidelines' outside of our own communication. I often liken it to shooing away a mosquito, the feelings brought up with mini spankings. So aggravating. Ooops sorry of track here.

      willie

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  10. Oh our kids can make us question ourselves faster than anyone. Just when you think things are working they do something that blows all that up. I have said before. Kids are not for sissies. I hope things are better for you all soon.

    That little thing called communication is such an amazing thing huh? You two remind me of us. So many times like you I have said " Well I can certainly understand that, but why didn't you just COMMUNICATE that to me? I would have understood, rather than THIS state we find ourselves in now". The beauty is that now we ARE communicating. We are working through our problems and that in and of itself is a big step forward.

    I truly hope your issues with your sons resolve themselves quickly. I'll be thinking of you.

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    1. I love it Zoe : " Kids are not for sissies" So true. Where is my 'badge'? We are desperately trying to hold the line but not barricade him out.

      Your, " you two remind me of us" gives me more hope than you can imagine. I see how Barney is starting to open up more about his insecurities and thoughts much sooner now. I think this is his time to grow in communication. Not to say I am the 'great' communicator, but I think our gap is getting smaller.

      Thank you for your kind words and thoughts Zoe

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  11. I am so sorry you are dealing with teenagery angst! Let the countdown to 21 begin!

    Not sure how I would feel about an intermission...but it is works, it works! Glad Barney solved the problem.

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    1. Twenty-one!? 21 ???? many that is too long! He's only 16 ! LOL

      Well an intermission in this case helped him and actually it helped me physically. I tend to block out things, so the intermission brought my head, heart and well hind onto the same page. So it was effective.

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    1. Sometimes Chickie that is all that is needed.

      Thank you

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  13. Well...you're learning to communicate and that is so important. Can you find a private place that is more sound proof? Play loud music? He seems to be at least thinking about what you need and understanding it...the rest will come.

    Sara

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    1. I think he just needs to be more comfortable again Sara. There really isn't much that can be heard outside of our room. The 'slapping' sound doesn't seem to travel, and I am quiet. But you are right, other noise might make Barney more comfortable.

      Thanks for the words of encouragement Sara

      willie

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  14. Yup, same old issue here. However the turn around, no matter how messy is taking less time. I suppose that can be considered a bonus.

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  16. I shouldn't have read all the comments b/c they made me smile and completely distracted me. I love how Barney chimed in here and there. He sure does seem to be paying more attention and "finding you" more quickly when things start to go off the rails. Honestly, I'm pretty impressed, considering all the stuff you are both trying to cope with right now.

    Someday that teenager will have a teenager himself...and his head will do a full 360 and he will have a whole new appreciation for his parents.

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  17. willie, um. i am sorry i made a comment about your posts being long. i'm sorry it made you cough, too. :) wait, lemme put down my pizza so i can comment. i was eating. thought i would be reading a while and thought food would be good. NO. I KID. I KID. i love you, girl.

    ok. so i liked this post. a lot. i love that B is getting involved, especially with all that's going on--like susie said. i'm pretty impressed too! also, you already know my story about the brother who turned into the father and dealt with the same type of stuff. 360 baby. 360. life will go full circle and you can be there to watch and make some fun remarks, which i know you'll be completely capable of when it happens. big hugs to you my sweet friend. :)

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    1. LOL...Hope you didn't get sauce on your phone!

      I have been telling Heir to the Throne that I can't wait until he has kids. He keeps breaking my heart and telling me he isn't having any...grrr.

      I'll try out your patience ( and love) with another marathon post in a few days!

      hugs back
      willie

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  18. Hi Willie,
    Sorry I am late, been out of blogland for a while.
    TEENAGERS! It is difficult to remove that armor after going into battle with a teenager. The minute you are vulnerable they will do something else that has you scrambling to put it back on.
    I think you may have found something. A long pause in the process. Dare I say it, um ....maybe.....um......sorry.... um......corner time? Allowing all of the nerves to rise to the surface of the titanium. : D
    I am glad this didn't turn into a multiple day event for the two of you. Yeah!
    Hugs
    Blue Bird

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    1. Pluhleeeeeeeeeez, as if you are the first to mention corner time...Sometimes it doesn't pay to have HoHy friends ( women included by the looks of it...BLUE BIRD!) so no need for apologizes.

      Yeah, teenagers. That armour is heavy stuff to be dressing and undressing repeatedly in. But I think I am getting the hang of it. Sorta.

      Thanks Blue Bird...even with your NASTY suggestion!

      hugs
      willie

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  19. Good luck with the teenager! It's hard to believe sometimes, but things usually work out in the end. We found if I stepped back a little when our son was about 15, and my husband stepped up more, it worked a lot better all around. For us anyway. Guess my husband understood more than me what a boy that age was feeling/going through.

    I have heard that taking a break during a spanking makes round two much more painful. Not that I know firsthand :)

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    1. Lets address the last first shall we? LOL...YES>>>YES>>>YES>>>! Gah, the bum thaw is NOT a friend of mine!

      As for the boy. I have been 'masterminding' behind the scenes, but to the boy I became his sounding board the other day. Things seem better at the moment, hopefully this is a turning point, just not a calm before the storm. He and I have always related better to each other, so Barney and I are trying to build on our strengths where he is concerned.

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