Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Dear Barney ( it's a rambler)

 
 
Dear Barney,



I know as of late I have been distancing. I know it must appear that I am being difficult. I have been short tempered and well, snappy. I am sorry for this, I truly am.  I don't like living with that person any more than you do. The truth of the matter is, I am sad. We both know how my default emotion to hurt is anger. Okay and to pain it is anger. Well I guess it is to sadness too. Hmmm? I guess I might have anger management issues. Maryanne makes fun of me all the time because I say, " I'm mad at Barney." She laughs and says, " Oh no you are not. You make me laugh. You always say that but you aren't really mad at him". Meh. She's right. In the past I have been frustrated, strutting around like a wet hen, as Dan would say.  Not this time. I am sad. I don't really think disappointed, like you said to me today. Just sad.



The week before last, after the grocery store ( flashback time).
We were having a good day. I wasn't upset. I was feeling under the weather, and wished to GOD someone would come up with a crotch sling for those weeks that nature reminds me I am BLESSED to be the fairer sex...(.I'm not picky...a modified version of this would do)


 
 
By the time we got to the cash I just wanted to be done.  Insert a rude cashier to the older man in front of me.  Irritation number 2.  Insert the man I felt sorry for moments later NOT being considerate and moving his cart so I could bag my groceries, irritation number 3.  Oh wait, you handing me stuff that is 2 inches from my hands instead of pulling your own things out of the cart, while a constant, still a tad irritating.  And then the final irritation,  you standing at the cash, with the cart, while the box I had packed was jamming up the conveyor belt, crushing potato chips in its wake.  I went to pick up said box, and you curtly said, " I can do it"...and well the rest was history right?  Hurricane Wilma...." WELL THEN DO IT!"  I can't exactly remember what response you had, but it was curt and fueled my fire.
 
 
For the rest of the morning, I didn't think about the incident.  Only that I was irked.  I didn't think of consequences and is he or isn't he going to?  I just stewed.  As did you. After lunch when you told me to go upstairs and get into position and wait, I don't know how I felt.  I knew that earlier you had alluded to me being in trouble for not taking my blood pressure, and I was going to see if you would hold off on that because I really wasn't feeling well at this point.  I went upstairs, disrobed and got into position.  As I lay there over the end of the bed, kneeling on the loveseat, I literally thought to myself, " What the hell are you doing Wilma?  This is utterly ridiculous.  Why on earth would you want this?"  Another softer voice told me to stay where I was, that this was important to do today. 
 
 
This was truly the first spanking where I felt you were 100 % in control of the situation.  Although I had be punished before, this was the first time for something that was disruptive to our relationship.  The first time for attitude.  You were emotionally invested in this spanking, and even though I was still angry about the grocery store, I heard your words.
 
 
Paddle
 
 

 
 " You are always in such a hurry.  There is no need to always be in a hurry all the time.  That box was way too heavy for most people and especially you.  You should have never tried to lift it.  ( btw there was a mental pffft in my head for those sentences). 
 
I know that I haven't always stopped you when you have snapped at me, but I want you to take comfort now in knowing that from now on I will. ( insert a remark from me about no longer taking comfort ) I want the boys to see us both treating each other with respect.  I don't talk to you that way.  You will not talk to me that way anymore either.  And if you do, we will be right back here as soon as we can.  You can count on it.
 
I know we are going away soon, and you are being very good at staying organized and hopefully you won't be too stressed.  But let's face it you will most likely be back here a couple more times before we go. "
 
and so on.
 


So coming off of what was an extremely dominant situation where you kept going and going,even having me wait there for 10 minutes while you took care of a lunch time visitor and resuming was a shock but a great thing for us.



Yes we stumbled a bit on the following Monday during R/A . I suspected I would because it would be difficult to compete with the dominance of a few days before, despite the fact that I kept telling myself it was going to be different but okay. I know you had a difficult time spanking that day because things had been so great between us and you fell back into the same issue you had before when you couldn't spank. ( a reminder )



I suppose that was the start of the unravel. While you certainly found your conviction later in the week...(yeouch by the way!) after we discussed this issue at length again, it became a cycle that has been repeating itself. We haven't been maintaining our dynamic outside of the spanking aspect. Which for the most part you have ya know, mastered!



I know we have talked about 'bringing' me back or keeping me 'here' and we both know that sometimes the pressure around a particular spanking session is too great to be effective. That often it takes more than one, and life often gets in the way of that happening.



Which brings me back to why I feel sad,( I know it sounds like such a juvenile emotion worded that way). Being ignored at the party while I didn't let it bother me too much there, was more just the icing on the crappy cake. I was so hopeful with all that had went on in our discussions last month. I had waited and waited. I had been punished for breaking rules about my health and I knew these were easier ones for you to justify punishing for. I knew these were steps that you had to take. I saw a newer you and I was becoming a newer me. But somewhere along the line it appeared to stop, ( I know we have already had this coasting discussion so I won't go on about it).



The distancing that I started after the party was right at the surface because of the previous week too. It didn't take much I will admit. When you are so hopeful that the change is in the air, and then it stalls for a bit~ whether it be because of human error or life getting in the way, it doesn't matter. It deflates you. I am sad because I feel like, you let me distance. I know in a perfect world I would turn myself around, but this time I was unable to. This is one of the main reasons we have ttwd in our house. You have already pointed it out how this is my biggest obstacle. How asking me what is wrong and me not providing an answer is not helpful. I wish at those times I could, but as I explained I can't do it in a short amount of time. ie RIGHT after you ask. I need to build up the courage to say something. I need you to keep asking. To ask me in a controlled environment. Essentially to make me talk yes, but to have to the time to wait for me to get the words out, ( I know -I'm not asking too much).

( I know you've seen this before, but it really does sum me up doesn't it?)

  I was sad because I felt like you let me distance. I wished  you had taken control of the situation before it got out of hand, in whichever way you chose. It felt like

 You let me go.



Remember THOSE type of parents we would see at the pool? The ones that would try to get their kids to jump in. They would say a few words of encouragement and patiently stand there. After a while there would be a few verbal jabs to entice the child. Eventually the parents would just walk away and say forget it. How sad the little face was.  Sad because they disappointed their parent and because the person that promised them they would catch them when they jumped and it would be okay, was now walking away. That is somewhat what it feels like. I want to jump, but sometimes it takes me longer. I want you to pull me in to show me it is safe and you aren't going to let me sink to the bottom. I may go under, but at least if you are there to scoop me up, I will get over the water in my nose.



Today when we had our discussion, I guess I wanted you to be 'the guy' you were a couple of weeks ago, and the weeks that you were 'building' leading up to then. I didn't want to hear that you were at fault beyond the party. Although I do appreciate the apology. I wanted/needed you to address the distancing. To let me know that you are there for me. For us. That unhealthy behaviour isn't acceptable despite the trigger. That is why I am sad. I am sad because I was allowed to use my old coping techniques. It ruined our week. 

I am well aware it isn't up to me to decide how things are dealt with in this house.  How I am dealt with.  I am also aware that my distancing and pushing took the wind from your sails as well. 

I am sad because today I wanted this to be a distant memory and to have a fresh start.
I was hoping today would bring us back to where we were building again. I am sad because I miss us. The newer us...ya know from the past couple of months. I miss wanting to cuddle in bed.  I miss falling asleep on your lap, ( urgh even if there is a whistle in the 'show' you are watching on tv).  I miss the teasing.  I miss the hand on my bum when you roll over.  I know you have tried.  I miss wanting that.  I miss our connection.

While this may appear to be a 'dump' on Barney letter, that isn't my intent.  I really just wanted you to know how I feel.  I suppose to our husbands it is so perplexing how all of these emotions push us down in such a short span of time.  In our minds we know it is merely a blip in time, but in our hearts that time seems like forever.  I can't explain how my emotions have changed where ordinary just isn't tolerable anymore.  Or maybe ordinary has changed for me?

 I do recognize that we have changed so much.  I know this has been just as difficult for you as it has been for me, if not more so.  I really do appreciate all that you have done and accomplished within our dynamic

You have done this so much, and I not only thank you but love you for it.


 I will conclude with this discovery I made about the past few days- Distancing can look like a temper tantrum, and most likely it was at the start this time.  However as time passes, this time, I am not being stubborn, I'm just sad.

*****************************
Ooops I guess I should explain after reading my first few comments.  This is a letter, THE letter I actually wrote to Barney.  I didn't really think how it would come across.  I am not sad or depressed.  I was merely telling him how the situations over the past few days have left me feeling where ttwd and our relationship within its borders made me feel.  Also that being said, sad is a relative term.  Where this summer I had the Summer of Suckiness, this is just surface sad if you will? 
Okay on with the show.....

70 comments:

  1. One of the best thoughts I have read today:

    Positive change can't happen from a negative attitude. When you focus on the positives and the strengths you and Barney have built up together, amazing things will happen.

    When we are sad about our life and the way our relationships have changed, the most powerful way to change is to look at what we can change in ourselves.

    I know you can do it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not entirely sure how to comment on this. I am actually not being negative towards Barney. He wanted me to tell me how I truly felt about things as of late, so I did. I hadn't realized that it would come off as so negative, because that isn't how I feel in the least. Sad that we have had a stumble, but we have been at this long enough to know that it is just that, a stumble. The world is not crashing down around us.

      But,...thanks for the encouragement!

      Delete
  2. It looks like I have the privilege of being the first person to comment. Today I finally finished reading all of your posts and all of the comments you have written from the beginning. I want to thank you for sharing your journey. I have learned so much. (I even took notes!)

    I am sorry that you are struggling with the evil inconsistency monster that attacks our husbands. They all seem to have the same struggle. I sure would like to know what causes it. Rock and I continue the same dance whenever the horror moans arrive. I guess it is hard for them to stop the duck and cover move after decades of practice. We have a friend that tells our kids, "Practice doesn't make perfect, practice make permanent." They keep trying and then falling back into their old ways, just like we do when we aren't maintained. I guess our role is to keep reminding. I feel silly saying the same thing over and over again but that is what it takes.
    I don't have any great answers but I can tell you what I have started doing while reading your blog. Every day I send Rock an email telling him specifically each HOH act he did the day before and how it helped me. Then I ask for help in the areas I am struggling with.
    All of the praise has built his confidence and reinforced the idea that he is doing this to help me. You may have trouble with the asking part, but maybe a daily habit of writing to him would help you. The praise would definitely help him.
    Please take what I am suggesting with a grain of salt. You are obviously communication to him through your blog. It is just that your writing is so good and you really seem to be getting better at writing about your struggles while you are in them instead of after they are resolved like you did at the beginning.

    Trust

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow Trust my entire blog with comments??? That must have taken quite some time- my friends can be quite wordy at times ( wink ).

      After reading your, Ana and George's comments I had to go back and put a disclaimer. As I said in the disclaimer, this is the actual, unaltered letter I gave to Barney. I didn't clarify a few things within it like I normally would for a post. The inconsistency monster hasn't been gone for weeks or anything of the sort. I was trying to explain to Barney how we view things differently women/men. For me anyway, after a very HOHy period the lack of HoH attention seems greater, while for him after an HoHy period, he thinks we should be 'good' for a while. This is really what has made me sad. Sad like you discovered a new cookie that you like, and when you go back to the cupboard to have another one, they are gone. I know that sounds almost greedy, but it is honest.

      I do tell Barney what he does that I enjoy. Usually even within our difficult discussions. We had actually had an hour long discussion about the past week and a half earlier in the day. Prior to me writing this. He wanted to know how I was truly feeling about all of this, so I wrote him and told him. Then I thought, hmmmmm, maybe I should share this.

      Generally speaking, communication is not a huge obstacle between us anymore. Some times it takes us a few days to figure out what the root of the issue is, but we manage to find each other and work it out. I no longer fall into the depths of despair when we stumble. I know we will get back up. We are both committed to that....or maybe both should BE COMMITTED ! LOL

      willie

      Delete
  3. I guess I was too slow to publish and lost my spot!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Willie, I am sorry you are felling sad. Sadness is surely one of the most difficult emotions to deal with because it seems to cloak our very being like a blanket extinguishing a flame. Sometimes life surprises us with a great joy, other times it seems to lie waiting to ambush our happiness, and then some days it just seems to be missing altogether. I wish I had some magical words to share that could ignite the feelings of gladness that are within you. I cannot. However, I will tell you a story.

    Once upon a time there was a great baseball player. He was incredible and all thought he was the best there ever was. One day he came to bat and it was the bottom of the ninth, two outs, one run behind and a runner safe on second base. Everyone was sure he would knock the ball out of the park and win the game. But alas to everyone's horror, he struck out and they were all sad.......all that is except the pitcher, who was overjoyed!

    The moral to this story is that some days we strike out and other days we are the triumphant pitcher. Either way the good news is there is always tomorrow with it's promise of another chance to hit one out of the park.

    So tonight I offer you a big hug and tell you to keep on swinging. I am confident that very soon you will knock it out of the park and life will be once again be filled with great joy.

    love,
    George

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh George you are so sweet! I guess I should clarify as this LITERALLY is the letter I wrote to Barney, I am only sad in this area. Or was. It is getting better. The rest of my life is great!

      love
      willie

      Delete
    2. Thanks Willie for the clarification. I find it fascinating how most all of the other ladies seemed to relate to precisely what you were saying, yet I interpreted the letter quite simplitistically...you were feeling sad.

      I normally experience only a single emotion at a time, then after that one is over, move on to another. Unlike what, if I am understanding correctly, is your capability to feel a pleythora of simultaneous emotions.

      Pardon the generalization, but seems here again is an example of the simplistic single thought male brain vs the multi tasking complex female brain! So rather than say how sad that might make us feel (sorry but I couldn't resist) I say, vive la difference!

      Glad you are feeling better/great/only a little sad (see I am learning!) Carpe diem my friend!

      love,
      George

      Delete
    3. Well first off George I added a disclaimer after the first 3 comments that you weren't privy to. However, Barney needed some further explanations too. Of course he picked up on the sadness thing, as I said it a HUNDRED times...ah the rote memory learner. Anyway, my point is, you can indeed use your Man Card today! * wink *

      love
      willie

      Delete
  5. I nodded so much that if someone had been watching, they probably would have thought I was one of those bobble-head toys.

    I do the same thing. Even though I know it isn't good for us, I start to distance. When Steve tries to figure out what's going on, I push him away. After a few attempts, he leaves me alone. Then I get even more upset because I feel like he doesn't care enough to keep trying, like he's given up on me. More than once after we've worked through things, I've said the exact same words-you let me go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I know the bobble head feeling...it can make one nauseous ! LOL.
      I try so hard to kick Distancing Dixie to the curb, and I am getting better at doing it sooner. AND Barney is generally so good now about hunting me down and not taking no for an answer, it just didn't happen this past week. For both of us. Ah well this too shall pass!

      Delete
  6. so glad to read the disclaimer that this is a letter you sent to Him. My original advice was going to be write Him on your thoughts. Personally, i need time to respond to what's wrong. The best way for me to respond is by written words so that I can get it all out and then edit so that the real issue is apparent, otherwise I tend to babble about everything and the real issue is lost in it all.

    ((hugs)) .... I got Barney gave you what you needed after reading the letter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL....well um this was what I wrote him on my thoughts. I actually very rarely write letters anymore. That is the honest to God truth. I used to do it all the time when we first started out. I did it this time because of time constraints and because it was easier to reflect on my true feelings and why. This is more an addition to the conversation we had had earlier in the day. To clarify further for him.

      Glad you found a way to express yourself. There is nothing wrong with writing. It has helped us understand each other better. Without all those emotions and reading each others body language. We both used to get so defensive earlier on.

      hugs back
      willie

      Delete
  7. HI Willie, an amazing post. I cried. We are just like this at the moment. my husband ( I really must give him a name) is about to read it too. I hope you both are okay
    love Jan.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL...yes Jan you need to give him a name!!!

      I am sorry you cried. Really I am. See I told you last night that you aren't alone. I know we all end up feeling like this from time to time. As I was explaining to the others, I am not depressed about it, I was sad that we slipped. I know we will slip from time to time, it happens to everyone, just doesn't mean I have to be happy about it right?
      Anyway, I hope some how this letter helps you two because then in my mind it will all be worth it!
      love willie

      Delete
    2. Oh bless ya Willie, we are great now, seems to have kick started us a bit. For my birthday hubby bought me a new leather paddle, really posh and bleeping stingy, so today he surprised me with a reconnect spanking, out of the blue. ( we couldn't play on the day, son came home !!). Things are picking up in the rose house , hope your house is a happy one now
      love Jan.xx

      Delete
  8. I told SM I was sad last night and I went to bed early. I forgot to tell him something I tell him
    every day... I didn't kiss him or hug him and I generally felt miserable. There really does seem
    to be something going on with a lot of us lately.

    Anyway... ((hugs))

    love sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Sara, I am sorry. Maybe it is pre-holiday mind melt. We have too much on our minds and we are too distracted to see each other ? Really see each other. I hope you can manage to find out what is bothering you and talk to your husband about it soon.

      love
      willie

      Delete
  9. I'm glad I wrote my post before reading this, Willie! Golly, it's our groundhog day all over again!

    With us, letters don't help much - I've tried. But the pinning down, and looking into each other's eyes seems to work lots better. Twice as difficult though, and lots of lumps in throats and cotton wool in mouths.

    Just look at all the positives. You've come a very long way. Rome wasn't built in a day, although it burned down in one! So try not to be sad about any inconsistency you encounter - because inconsistency can be two-directional. It's just that we don't see it that way.

    Lots of hugs and reinforcing shoves in the right direction.

    Ami

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I haven't read your post yet Ami...so I guess we are on equal ground. LOL. I very rarely write letters to my husband anymore. Sometimes however it is the best way for us still to hear each other. I find it best when we are discussing feelings. This way he can read what is actually said, not interpret or jump to conclusions that he is under attack. He thanked me for the letter this morning, as it elaborated more on what we talked about yesterday.

      Oh I am very much aware that inconsistency flows both ways! And often question which came first the chicken or the egg in any given situation. Again, Barney wanted to know what I was feeling and why. So I told him. I am not in despair over the inconsistency, just a little sad that is all.

      hugs back
      willie

      Delete
  10. Willie, I understand the hurt masked by anger so well! The positive point I see in this is that you stayed at hurt. That by itself seems like huge growth. I understand that the distancing happened anyway and you wanted help but couldn't ask for it in the moment. So maybe since you've been able to skip the anger stage, next time you'll be able to skip the "I can't voice the needing help" stage. These changes take time and soooo much vulnerability. Luke has said that voicing my emotion at the time is an expectation (or rule, I guess). Honestly it makes me feel like I have some weird kind or turrets. And Willie, it is so hard to just blurt out, I feel....because this is how I interrupted....It's not comfortable or how we've interacted ever before. It doesn't work 100% of the time but when I can push through the uncomfortable juvenile feeling of it, it saves so much time working through an issue. Often times I'm finding out that what would have stayed in my head and blown up into something so much bigger and uglier is discussed right away and I feel so relieved.

    Willie, keep trusting that Barney wants all of you! It's not too much to ask from him and it's not too much for him to deal with! Sending a hug, Clara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well Clara I blew it again! LOL. But this time it was because I couldn't figure out why I was distancing in the moment or where my voice went.

      Back to this incident. Barney told me why he reacted the way he did to me. We had a lot to work through the week following this letter, but we managed once again. Well until I blew it again! But the results were different the next time. Some day we'll get it right!

      Thanks Clara
      willie

      Delete
  11. Wilma,
    Things will smooth out. They always do. I am rooting for you ever inch of the way.
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Meredith. It did. It took a bit of soul searching on Barney's part and then a huge messy weekend, but we ended up in tact!
      willie

      Delete
  12. I think it's great you were able to write him a letter and tell him how you feel. I think many of us use anger (or for me complete quiet and withdraw) to cover our true feelings of sad, hurt, disappointed, etc. I bet just writing it has helped you and also helped him to understand. ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Sassy!
      Yeah I use distancing too, the quiet and withdrawn willie comes out to 'play' often. Writing did help me out, and it helped Barney vocalize why he reacted the way he did. He was angry at me before we went out, but said nothing. Instead he withdrew from me, and caused me to feel hurt. This is new for him. Before ttwd we used to be independent of each other at social functions. Now it hurts when we are. He then felt a great deal of guilt which lead to this downward spiral for both of us.

      Delete
  13. Three steps forward, one step back, five steps forward, three steps back. The DD/TTWD Dance. Isn't dancing supposed to be fun?
    Rooster is getting better at catching my moods. Actually I have recently discovered he has almost always been aware of them, it is more like he is getting better at taking care of them.
    As a life long student of TTWD I would be interested in Barney's reaction/response to the letter.
    I hope you were able to resolve it together.
    Hugs and love,
    Blue Bird

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Blue Bird...the DANCE analogy now goes on my 'hate' list with journey and HOH...LOL. We need new terms is all I am saying!

      Barney's reaction to the letter? Now I can't honestly remember. I think he felt guilty. He often feels that way when my feelings become hurt. He was angry at me because I had turned into Momma Bear concerning our youngest before we went out. He thought it was because I was in a hurry. I was really just frustrated at the way he was 'demanding' something of our son that can't be demanded. Anyway, he said nothing to me and then ignored me. He now realizes how dangerous this can be to my emotional state. He said just recently again, that he sometimes forgets that I am not the same person I was before. Well I am, but now my emotions flow out as opposed to in.
      Anyway we put a band aid on this problem and it lead us right into another problem. LOL. Eventually it was all worked out but MAN oh MAN was it a rough week. Not rough like the first 8 months or so, because I knew deep down we would figure it out. Just tough emotionally.

      Love
      willie

      Delete
  14. I really like that biscuit analogy you spoke of in your comment, especially alongside the reasoning that you think perhaps it sounds greedy. That's me too.
    I want another biscuit. But I feel like I'm asking for too much.
    Then sometimes back in the biscuit jar are just the plain ones and they are great in their own way, they are sweet and fill a gap, but lets face it you've already tasted one of those luxury ones!!
    The plain ones help you appreciate the luxury ones though :)
    Good luck x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Janey!
      Barney understands the cookie ananolgy, it is just difficult for him to remember that. He is trying so very hard though. I know this. Sometimes it is just difficult for me to remember that too!

      I have been such a bad blogger lately, we fixed this, had another MAJOR stumble ...came through that eventually and then I had ANOTHER issue. LOL.
      Thanks for the wishes anyway!
      willie

      Delete
  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This post is fantastic. I'm so glad to see you opening up. What is great about this is that you are seeing both sides of the story. The first step to progress is learning your patterns. The fact that you can see the steps of your dance is no small thing. It doesn't always feel like it, but that's progress. Good for both of you.

    Love and hugs,
    TL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks TL!
      We are comfortable enough in our thing we do, that we know times like these are just moments. I suppose that is why they made me sad, not angry or frustrated. I knew we'd get through, I just wanted more time before we had to encounter another obstacle in our way.

      We are fine now
      love
      willie

      Delete
  17. I can so understand this post, Willie! It is okay to just feel sad about certain things, but not sad overall. It does not sound like a dump on Barney letter, it sounds like a status update. I think this is information he needs so he can decide how he should respond to you as HOH. Men don't always read women's emotions well, sometimes they need to be told what you are feeling and sometimes they even need to know what they need to do about the emotion you are feeling.

    Something you said in one of the comments made me think of something a very perceptive man told me once. He said men and women count differently. When he gives me a gift, I count it as one, but he probably counts it as a lot more than one, especially if he spent a lot of time planning it or if it was hard to get or it cost a lot, then he counts it as more than one but a woman still counts it as one.

    I think you got that too when you said that after an HOHy period he feels you should be "good" for a while. (Him counting it as more than one) There is a constancy (is the a word?) that you need (you counting it as one) and not just a short period of time. The hand on the bum, the teasing, the cuddling, all of that is constancy and a chance for you to feel him watching over you and paying attention. I get this, perhaps because I am looking for the same thing. Perhaps it is dumb to say, but I told a man once that I needed to feel his masculinity because it was then that I felt most feminine and he got it, he understood what that meant, and he understood that it was just a touch or a tone of voice or a single word and because he was paying attention to my reactions, he knew when he'd been successful at hitting that right tone for that day, realizing that tomorrow it might be something else. I think he liked the challenge of giving me what I needed, that day, and he counted it as one.

    Many hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know Cygnet, George wrote a post about the very thing you talked about in your comment. I know we see things differently, that is why communication is so very important with ttwd- or actually any relationship. As I said in our one year summery, we have managed to come up with a new language when it comes to talking to each other, but as time goes on, things change again. To those who read here, it may seem like the same old same old, but there are subtle nuances that are different each time. As I was telling friends this past weekend. Just when you have it figured out, life says PLOT TWIST! and you have to adapt.
      Thankfully we did!
      Thank you for your unwavering support Cygnet!
      willie

      Delete
  18. Hi Wilma,

    I think your letter to Barney is great! Men need us to not only tell them how we are feeling but what made us feel that way too. I can't tell you how many times I have explained to Alex how I feel and have him come back with holy cow woman what made you feel like that? Of course not every explanation helps either because of the gender gap, but bless his heart he does try to understand. :0)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we are very lucky women Irish, because Barney is the same way. He doesn't always understand why I felt that way, but he tries his darndest to understand and remember for the next time. Unfortunately it usually takes several times before it sinks in, but every time he tries. What more can I ask for?

      Delete
  19. Oh...P.S. I may need therapy after seeing that picture! Is that actually a bathing suit? I mean...just....ick! :0)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I honestly can't believe that so few people have seen that picture from the movie Borat. I have to admit how disturbing it may be on a man....it would be so helpful as a woman for support at times!

      Delete
  20. Hi Willie, :) I think that it is great that you wrote to Barney and told him how you felt. Nice letter. Glad to hear that your moment of sadness eased up. Yeah, we all have those little blips in the road at times. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have always told Barney how I have felt, and it has never been easy to say or to hear, but I truly believe that we are where we are today because we have a deeper understanding of how each other works. This type of letters always lend themselves to deep discussion.

      Thanks Katie.

      Delete
  21. This resonated with me, Willie. Thank you for being transparent and sharing this with us.

    "I am sad because I was allowed to use my old coping techniques."

    Omgosh......absolutely. I've tried explaining this to J, too.

    Keep on keeping on. From what I see, there's been great growth in both of you. The occasional setbacks are just that........setbacks. We can still move forward!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey , no longer UN named! That is how long I took to respond. You now have a name!

      You are right Sadie, these times are just set backs but they more often than not lead to growth. Not as GREAT as in the start, but growth nevertheless. What I have begun to see is that when I use old coping skills so does my husband. In this actual case, through discussions after the fact, HE used an old coping skill which reignited mine.

      Delete
  22. Okay woman...Just got off work and blogger told me you had a new post just go up. Imagine my surprise when I find it went up yesterday! But at least blogger told me...that's new! :D Anywho, it's late and I don't have time to read everyone's comments so please forgive me if I duplicate what's been said. Of course, since I usually see things differently than anyone else...that might not happen. ;) BTW.,.Very happy you put up the disclaimer and that you aren't sad now.

    Bottom line...like I've told ya before...TTWD is a dance...2 steps forward, 3 steps back, sidestep, sidestep. You two are coming along and will get the dance moving in the right direction...if ya haven't already. ;) Just remember, both of you need to be consistent. ;)

    Oh and are you trying to blind us! That first picture? Ack!!!!

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well wonders never cease Cat. I get blogger updates where they slip the 'new' post in their chronological order, even if it wasn't there 8 hours earlier. Grrrr.

      Sorry the first picture was so ACK like. I honestly thought most people would have seen the Borat picture before. Ya have to admit, with a bit of tweaking, and well clothes over top, a woman could benefit from such support!
      willie

      Delete
  23. Good for you for writing it down. Makes it so much easier to get out articulately, for me at least, if we have time alone to put in on paper (or screen, whichever the case may be). I totally relate to this. TOTALLY. I felt, reading this, that someone had written a book about me, and I was reading it. I have discussed the distancing behavior, it's causes, etc with my husband like 50 times over the past 10 years. He is at the point where I never ever get away with it, but he too wants answers quickly. Like 'he's holding the paddle after 30 seconds of silence' type speed. As you said, it takes some working up of courage to answer honestly. I really love the analogy about the swimming pool. It perfectly sums up the abandoned feelings that occur when our men don't deal with distancing right away. I truly hope that this rough patch is a growth spurt in disguise for the two of you, and that you come back better than ever. Lots of love directed your way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi River!

      I very rarely write to my husband anymore. I can usually articulate. This time I think I needed to do it for both of us. I need to write for myself sometimes. Like putting down negative thoughts and setting them on fire. It releases something in me. The emotions don't have as strong of a hold.
      I am both happy and sorry that you can relate to this post. The growth is not immediate with the discussion of this letter. It is more a stepping stone to help in the future. Typical for us we will revisit this in all forms before we conquer it, but that fact no longer frustrates me like it once did. As my gf once said to me, " It is what it is".
      Thanks River!
      willie

      Delete
  24. Hi Willie,

    I too think it's great that you were able to write to Barney and explain your feelings. It's so wonderful that you are able to see where you were both coming from.

    I think you explained it extremely well and I'm glad you shared this with us. I'm so happy to read your disclaimer and replies too. I understand the 'sadness'. I feel it too at the moment.

    I love your biscuit analogy too. It is so hard when your HoH has a real dominant period then things seem to stall. Kinda where we are. I can understand him thinking he didn't need to continue being so "HoH'y" as you should now be in a 'good place' whereas you need the consistency.

    Love the pics btw. Especially the Barney/Wilma one! LoL

    Love and hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello my favourite Lady from NZ! We have talked since this post, as I have been such a bad, bad blogger as of late!

      I think Barney and I have addressed the 'coasting' thing, but I am not so naïve to think we won't experience it again. That being said, I am not looking for it, but he is. So that is a good step I think. Meh...this thing is so complicated!
      Much love
      willie

      Delete
  25. Well Willie...you already know my ponderings but beyond what we already talked about, I just wanted to say that I understand the sadness. Like you, I no longer love the "journey" metaphor, b/c I don't really think that MM and I have a destination. Instead, we have brief moments of absolute clarity, wonderful moments of the kind of "oneness" and intimacy that I believe men and women were created to have and like no time in our past, we find our safe place in each other. LOL...and between all those times it is messy and not always so safe and clarity can come and go like the wind. I think that's where the sadness comes in. You and I and so many women out here are peeling back our onions. We have learnt how to feel again and the depth of the joy in this new way of life can be mirrored with a depth of sadness whenever there is a sense of loss. I think one of the wisest things that our men can do to love us is to be watchful, recognize it and make us talk when we want to dive deeper instead of be pulled out. It calls them to an attentiveness that does not come naturally to many men.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah , yeah, yeah..... the onion thing can go too! Onions make most people cry, but not so much the contact lenses wearer! Lillie said it best, months ago....all relationships go through this...ttwd or not. The clawing back to those great moments. Ttwd just makes us vocalize it.

      When you think about it, there is no WAY being a husband in this kind of relationship is a responsibility many would want. They get 'slagged' on more than they do praised upon. Or so it appears. I know no one is harder on Barney than Barney. And JUST when they have it figured out....PLOT TWIST!

      Delete
  26. Susie, you've hit the nail on the head. Wise words.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I think you, and some others, are incredibly brave. This peeling back layers, as Susie mentions, can be very trying as we expose our innermost layers. Then to feel that we lose that connection, even if temporary, can bring that sadness pouring over us where we act out (for lack of a better term). For me, that sadness has lasted as I pulled my layers back over for protection once that distance started. Oh, our marriage and life is good and happy. But that one piece that was once there is missing.......

    I laughed at this "What the hell are you doing Wilma? This is utterly ridiculous. Why on earth would you want this?" ----- as I, too, have thought almost this exact same thing in position!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello again Sarah!
      I think of it often as new skin. It is soft and beautiful, but very sensitive. If others look closely they may see it, but only we really know where it is. Often our husbands forget that it isn't as tough. Yet on occasion they take time to marvel at it. It is so complicated, and continues to be as we 'molt'.

      No longer is loss of connection acceptable. Even if we manage to steel ourselves and tell ourselves we are fine, the skin is still susceptible. I am sorry you are feeling that there is something missing. I sadly know what that means and all it entails.

      As for the 'what the hell'....LOL. I wonder if it ever goes away?

      Delete
  28. What a sweet, honest letter. I think this was such a great idea!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I bet it was hard to write that letter but great that you were able to do it and show him how you felt. Not everything is smiles and sexiness with ttwd, there's always the other side to it as well and it's healthy (even if not always fun) to be able to experience both. ((((hugs)))))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To be honest Riley, it wasn't difficult to write it, ( perhaps I should have edited it though! lol). You are so right, we experience sexy and smiles, and that is what gets us through the rough patches, but at times the rough patches outnumber the smiles. The smiles are the motivation to trudge on. Thankfully we have because the percentages are changing in our favour. I truly believe it is because we are honest with each other and ourselves no matter how difficult.

      Delete
  30. Hi Willie. LOL, a crotch sling!!!! OMG, what a picture. It's going to take the rest of the day to get that image out of my head.Thanks :) Oh, love the Blondie's paddle picture! We're going to have to get one of those. Maybe for Christmas. Can't think of a better gift for his stocking!

    Anyway, what an amazing letter. I think it's great that you communicate with Barney so well. I do the distancing thing myself. It is so much easier to just close up and push them away, more painful in the long run though. I get how you need him to not let you distance. To ruthlessly pursue you to whatever dark place you find yourself in. I need the same thing. It does sound like Barney has come such a long way in understanding that. Fortunately, my husband is getting that too. And wow, dominant Barney made an impressive appearance! Just think of how impossible that would have been only a short year ago. Congratulations to you both for coming so far and growing so much in just a year. I agree,ordinary just doesn't cut it anymore.

    Love and many hugs to you my friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Queenie, if you haven't already email Blondie she is wonderful about answering questions concerning paddles you need. One might think she's been spanked a time or two.

      You are right we have come a very long way. This time he let me distance, I found out later, because he realized it was his distancing action that started this ball rolling. I know I will distance again, as it is my 'go to' and old habits die hard, but in all honesty Barney has been great about not letting me get too far away before he starts looking. That is what made this time difficult. Anyway, that is all in the past.....until next time of course!

      Many hugs and much love to you too!
      willie

      Delete
  31. My eyes, my eyes! That pic omgosh.

    Well that was quite a letter. I'm glad you told him the things you were happy about, and what was working, and how amazing he is.

    I sometimes think you want the perfect husband, and there just isn't such an animal- no more than there can be a perfect wife. You say you are sad, yes..I do get that but could you possibly have let yourself wallow waiting for the perfect response you have dreamed up in your head?

    Maybe he was sad too. Seeing you sad can paralyze a man emotionally, even physically. I think reaching out to him is the most powerful thing you could have done. Reach over, take his big hand in your soft one, and place it on your bum, in bed. You will see him smile through the dark, through the distance. A small thing can make a BIG difference, and for a man who needs confidence, your small steps to build him up are HUGE.

    Did he read the letter? How did it go? I hope you were able to talk and neither of you are sad anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Um well with all due respect NO. I am not looking for the perfect husband.
      After he read this letter and a few days of discussion, he admitted that he started to distance from me first and he recognized that. How he contributed to my further distancing. I do understand how perhaps you don't have a point of reference for this.
      It is very difficult after you have invested a year or more into a situation and things finally started to move in a direction where the connection stayed and then it suddenly disappeared. Barney wasn't willing to admit the pain he felt from it all either, and he was living it at the time.

      We did talk it out. We figured out the catalyst which was a misinterpretation of events that had him angry and distancing. This in turn set me on a fast track to shutting down, as this isn't typical for him. But we worked it out....until the next blow out

      Delete
  32. After I posted I went back and read the other comments. So many good ones! I think Susie explained it well.

    On the other side of the fence, I have never felt any of this, so I can't relate very well. I can however apply it to other situations in my life. I'm sure it sounds crazy but I'd say count your blessings because there are men (like the ogre) who are TOO attentive and make their wives go nutty at times. Just sayin :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. For some reason my comments are not showing up on some blogs. :( I wrote a comment over a week ago, but I guess it didn't show up. :( First of all, the crotch sling that guy is wearing, interesting. And second of all, how did you ever find such a photo!? LOL

    Willie, I think this letter you wrote to Barney was such a brave and lovely thing to do. It can be so hard in the moment to get words out, and sometimes it helps to do so in a letter so that you're able to express everything, and have time to think over if you've said all you meant to, or need to tweak words, or what have you. I feel it is beautiful that you trusted us with your words to Barney, and that you're being so honest with how you both are doing right now. I hope the letter helps, and hope that you are both able to sit down and talk about this.

    I noticed in some of your comments you say that you are only sad in this ares of your life, how is everything else going?{{{HUGS}}} I'll come back tomorrow to see if this comment did indeed go up. :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks EsMay for all your sweet words. I really was only sad about this. I know that sounds difficult for some. I suppose it is because I know now that we will get through all these little struggles that seem so huge at the time. Actually I wouldn't even say they seem huge, just that they take your emotions hostage until the situation is resolved. We have come to an understanding on this. We know why it happened and we hope it won't again, but that requires growth on both of our parts. THAT is a tricky thing!

      willie

      Delete
  34. Snort! I mean, hugs! And, yes, snort! You are so "normal" to me, so get-able, you almost make me sick... from laughing. This is one of those crying matters that is no laughing matter - what else are you going to do? You are not going to sit down in a puddle of tears! You're going to talk to that man, then write a letter to him that explains more because you know discussion has volume limits. Oh, I don't mean there weren't or should not have been any tears - those are fine. But I know you aren't going to wallow in self-pity over a bump you two built together. Ultimately, you're going to laugh at yourself and each other, because you've come so far and are strong enough to do so with tenderness sprinkled over the laughs.

    I say, "Breathe," quite often. It's very effective to do so, frequently.

    Let me share another gem: "Ain't nuthin' but a thing."

    I'm really glad you're not sweating the small stuff too much, yet you're wise enough to not ignore them completely. It really sucks when we let too many little things get so wrapped around the axle they become one huge thing that locks it up and stalls us. We just keep having to clear the weeds from the wheels.

    Okay, enough sticky metaphors and analogies. This was a good post. Thanks for sharing, truly. I like when you take us on these little walks through your mind. There is so much to see, and learn, if we really open our eyes to look and our hearts to see.

    Hugs. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Can I just say I LOVE YOU? I love that you 'get' me, although it is also a very scary prospect !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Pfft, I'm not scared. Neither are you. But, it is scary. Umm, Willie! Who are we scaring?! The fellas? Eep!

      Delete