I know as of late I have been distancing. I know it must appear that I am being difficult. I have been short tempered and well, snappy. I am sorry for this, I truly am. I don't like living with that person any more than you do. The truth of the matter is, I am sad. We both know how my default emotion to hurt is anger. Okay and to pain it is anger. Well I guess it is to sadness too. Hmmm? I guess I might have anger management issues. Maryanne makes fun of me all the time because I say, " I'm mad at Barney." She laughs and says, " Oh no you are not. You make me laugh. You always say that but you aren't really mad at him". Meh. She's right. In the past I have been frustrated, strutting around like a wet hen, as Dan would say. Not this time. I am sad. I don't really think disappointed, like you said to me today. Just sad.
The week before last, after the grocery store ( flashback time).
We were having a good day. I wasn't upset. I was feeling under the weather, and wished to GOD someone would come up with a crotch sling for those weeks that nature reminds me I am BLESSED to be the fairer sex...(.I'm not picky...a modified version of this would do)
By the time we got to the cash I just wanted to be done. Insert a rude cashier to the older man in front of me. Irritation number 2. Insert the man I felt sorry for moments later NOT being considerate and moving his cart so I could bag my groceries, irritation number 3. Oh wait, you handing me stuff that is 2 inches from my hands instead of pulling your own things out of the cart, while a constant, still a tad irritating. And then the final irritation, you standing at the cash, with the cart, while the box I had packed was jamming up the conveyor belt, crushing potato chips in its wake. I went to pick up said box, and you curtly said, " I can do it"...and well the rest was history right? Hurricane Wilma...." WELL THEN DO IT!" I can't exactly remember what response you had, but it was curt and fueled my fire.
For the rest of the morning, I didn't think about the incident. Only that I was irked. I didn't think of consequences and is he or isn't he going to? I just stewed. As did you. After lunch when you told me to go upstairs and get into position and wait, I don't know how I felt. I knew that earlier you had alluded to me being in trouble for not taking my blood pressure, and I was going to see if you would hold off on that because I really wasn't feeling well at this point. I went upstairs, disrobed and got into position. As I lay there over the end of the bed, kneeling on the loveseat, I literally thought to myself, " What the hell are you doing Wilma? This is utterly ridiculous. Why on earth would you want this?" Another softer voice told me to stay where I was, that this was important to do today.
This was truly the first spanking where I felt you were 100 % in control of the situation. Although I had be punished before, this was the first time for something that was disruptive to our relationship. The first time for attitude. You were emotionally invested in this spanking, and even though I was still angry about the grocery store, I heard your words.
" You are always in such a hurry. There is no need to always be in a hurry all the time. That box was way too heavy for most people and especially you. You should have never tried to lift it. ( btw there was a mental pffft in my head for those sentences).
I know that I haven't always stopped you when you have snapped at me, but I want you to take comfort now in knowing that from now on I will. ( insert a remark from me about no longer taking comfort ) I want the boys to see us both treating each other with respect. I don't talk to you that way. You will not talk to me that way anymore either. And if you do, we will be right back here as soon as we can. You can count on it.
I know we are going away soon, and you are being very good at staying organized and hopefully you won't be too stressed. But let's face it you will most likely be back here a couple more times before we go. "
and so on.
So coming off of what was an extremely dominant situation where you kept going and going,even having me wait there for 10 minutes while you took care of a lunch time visitor and resuming was a shock but a great thing for us.
Yes we stumbled a bit on the following Monday during R/A . I suspected I would because it would be difficult to compete with the dominance of a few days before, despite the fact that I kept telling myself it was going to be different but okay. I know you had a difficult time spanking that day because things had been so great between us and you fell back into the same issue you had before when you couldn't spank. ( a reminder )
I suppose that was the start of the unravel. While you certainly found your conviction later in the week...(yeouch by the way!) after we discussed this issue at length again, it became a cycle that has been repeating itself. We haven't been maintaining our dynamic outside of the spanking aspect. Which for the most part you have ya know, mastered!
I know we have talked about 'bringing' me back or keeping me 'here' and we both know that sometimes the pressure around a particular spanking session is too great to be effective. That often it takes more than one, and life often gets in the way of that happening.
Which brings me back to why I feel sad,( I know it sounds like such a juvenile emotion worded that way). Being ignored at the party while I didn't let it bother me too much there, was more just the icing on the crappy cake. I was so hopeful with all that had went on in our discussions last month. I had waited and waited. I had been punished for breaking rules about my health and I knew these were easier ones for you to justify punishing for. I knew these were steps that you had to take. I saw a newer you and I was becoming a newer me. But somewhere along the line it appeared to stop, ( I know we have already had this coasting discussion so I won't go on about it).
The distancing that I started after the party was right at the surface because of the previous week too. It didn't take much I will admit. When you are so hopeful that the change is in the air, and then it stalls for a bit~ whether it be because of human error or life getting in the way, it doesn't matter. It deflates you. I am sad because I feel like, you let me distance. I know in a perfect world I would turn myself around, but this time I was unable to. This is one of the main reasons we have ttwd in our house. You have already pointed it out how this is my biggest obstacle. How asking me what is wrong and me not providing an answer is not helpful. I wish at those times I could, but as I explained I can't do it in a short amount of time. ie RIGHT after you ask. I need to build up the courage to say something. I need you to keep asking. To ask me in a controlled environment. Essentially to make me talk yes, but to have to the time to wait for me to get the words out, ( I know -I'm not asking too much).
( I know you've seen this before, but it really does sum me up doesn't it?)
I was sad because I felt like you let me distance. I wished you had taken control of the situation before it got out of hand, in whichever way you chose. It felt like
You let me go.
Remember THOSE type of parents we would see at the pool? The ones that would try to get their kids to jump in. They would say a few words of encouragement and patiently stand there. After a while there would be a few verbal jabs to entice the child. Eventually the parents would just walk away and say forget it. How sad the little face was. Sad because they disappointed their parent and because the person that promised them they would catch them when they jumped and it would be okay, was now walking away. That is somewhat what it feels like. I want to jump, but sometimes it takes me longer. I want you to pull me in to show me it is safe and you aren't going to let me sink to the bottom. I may go under, but at least if you are there to scoop me up, I will get over the water in my nose.
Today when we had our discussion, I guess I wanted you to be 'the guy' you were a couple of weeks ago, and the weeks that you were 'building' leading up to then. I didn't want to hear that you were at fault beyond the party. Although I do appreciate the apology. I wanted/needed you to address the distancing. To let me know that you are there for me. For us. That unhealthy behaviour isn't acceptable despite the trigger. That is why I am sad. I am sad because I was allowed to use my old coping techniques. It ruined our week.
I am well aware it isn't up to me to decide how things are dealt with in this house. How I am dealt with. I am also aware that my distancing and pushing took the wind from your sails as well.
I am sad because today I wanted this to be a distant memory and to have a fresh start.
I was hoping today would bring us back to where we were building again. I am sad because I miss us. The newer us...ya know from the past couple of months. I miss wanting to cuddle in bed. I miss falling asleep on your lap, ( urgh even if there is a whistle in the 'show' you are watching on tv). I miss the teasing. I miss the hand on my bum when you roll over. I know you have tried. I miss wanting that. I miss our connection.
While this may appear to be a 'dump' on Barney letter, that isn't my intent. I really just wanted you to know how I feel. I suppose to our husbands it is so perplexing how all of these emotions push us down in such a short span of time. In our minds we know it is merely a blip in time, but in our hearts that time seems like forever. I can't explain how my emotions have changed where ordinary just isn't tolerable anymore. Or maybe ordinary has changed for me?
I do recognize that we have changed so much. I know this has been just as difficult for you as it has been for me, if not more so. I really do appreciate all that you have done and accomplished within our dynamic
You have done this so much, and I not only thank you but love you for it.
I will conclude with this discovery I made about the past few days- Distancing can look like a temper tantrum, and most likely it was at the start this time. However as time passes, this time, I am not being stubborn, I'm just sad.
Ooops I guess I should explain after reading my first few comments. This is a letter, THE letter I actually wrote to Barney. I didn't really think how it would come across. I am not sad or depressed. I was merely telling him how the situations over the past few days have left me feeling where ttwd and our relationship within its borders made me feel. Also that being said, sad is a relative term. Where this summer I had the Summer of Suckiness, this is just surface sad if you will?
Okay on with the show.....