Monday, November 4, 2013

Explaining TTWD with Toys and Games


No not that kind. Sorry if you are disappointed. Maybe another time though. Last month marked a year that I asked my husband if he would consider a ttwd/Dd relationship. Contrary to what many believed I really had NO vision in my head as to what ttwd would look like in our home. I honestly couldn't imagine it.

Barney wasn't an alpha male that I had emasculated over the years, ( okay maybe the second part is true, but he did not change). We were, ( or so I thought) past the time where kids made us exhausted and we were taking things out on each other. (Boy oh boy how you women with little kids handle ttwd... well my hats off to you. I remember once many years ago being so frustrated with Barney I thew and apple out our kitchen window at him. It crashed to the ground at his heel as he was walking away. Our neighbour just stood there with his chin on the ground. YUP! I did that. But those days were behind us too). So what exactly did I want to achieve with ttwd you ask? I wanted to no longer feel like wallpaper. I wanted to WANT to spend time with my husband on a deeper level. Don't get me wrong we had/have a very active social life, ( shocked? lol) but that was the issue. We would go out and never see each other even at the same party. I would seek my happiness from the company of others. Sure we had fun together, but there was just something missing.




The fact that you can 'walk' over your husband takes something away from your relationship. I mean at the end of the day no one feels great. I was unhappy for a long time. I wouldn't say anything, as I thought I was being selfish. Who wouldn't want my life? We had 3 beautiful, healthy boys ( and sadly...beautiful is kind of the truth..LOL ) I was able to stay at home and not work. My husband was/is a kind, patient man who indulges me to almost no end. AND he always said he was the lucky one. So why would I be sad ? Because I had created a life that I didn't want. That wasn't me. Not my family life. My life with my husband.

I said I didn't cuddle, because it was too hot, or his arm seemed so heavy draped across me. I didn't hold hands walking because he always walked so slow. I didn't want birthday cards or presents because they were a waste of money. I didn't want flowers for the same reason. But you know what? All of these things were BOGUS! I didn't want any of them, because to me longing was less painful than disappointment. I gave him an out, but emotionally I gave me an out too. I knew from experience that he would forget more often than remember, or I would get a birthday card with a couple of talking parrots wearing sombreros on it, instead of a heartfelt one I desired. So making proclamations about not needing these things left no room for expectations or anticipations. Therefore no pain.



What I did was worse. I told my husband NOT to pay attention to me. He was trapped too. Damned if he did damned if he didn't. Ttwd has changed all of that. I may have felt like wallpaper before, but in part I was the one who hung it.

As many of you know, it hasn't been an easy ride for us. Of course in all honesty I doubt it is for many. Barney is not naturally dominant, and as a friend once suggested, I probably have "little dog syndrome ". I am the youngest of many by a lot of years, the " I can do it" motto has been ingrained deep in my Psyche . It is very difficult to trust someone else with things when you are a self professed perfectionist. And yet, letting go is so freeing.

When we first started on our adventure many people would comment for me to stop over thinking things. Well, the truth of the matter was/is that isn't in me either. That is who I am, and it is never going to change. It actually isn't a weakness but a strength. I need to examine things from every angle, from both sides, in order to figure out why it happened and what it actually means TO me. How to avoid it from happening again if possible.




As many of you know, with communication comes a great deal of issues. LOL. The ' avoid it from happening again' takes many more crashes and burns before that can actually come to fruition. I tease all the time, that men are ROTE memory learners. Barney would agree. We have had to endure, more times than not the same painful conversations. Some times I wanted to pull my hair out ! And if Barney had excess to spare, I'm sure he'd feel the same way too.

The most difficult thing for us to do was to keep getting back up again and dust ourselves off. Try again. Try again. Try again. Why? Because for ME it was working. I was becoming who I always was inside. I was now allowing Barney to love me the way he has always wanted but was too afraid to. Don't get me wrong he has had a lot to over come in this past year too.






I have come to see our ttwd like a Spirograph set. When I asked Barney if he would be willing I handed him the box.


At first we picked the small round circle. Things seemed great, we were making a picture pretty quickly. But after the initial changes happened it was like we chose the triangular piece. Jolt ourselves around. It wasn't pleasant. I /we have often felt like we were constantly walking around with a neck brace on from the whiplash we were encountering.

Here is the thing, a year later we have lifted the frame away from the paper and are able to see that while we were jolting around in our Spirograph set, changing pen colours as we went, we have ended up making a beautiful picture. We are adding so much depth to our little piece of art.



As the self professed Poster child of Dysfunction in TTWD, I want to share something with you. I was explaining to a sister in dysfunction something in an analogy, ( I know another shock). I began a little while ago seeing my adventure in ttwd as a game of Trivial Pursuit, ( yes yes, we know it isn't ACTUALLY a game). When some people start out they manage to roll high numbers on the die. They speed around the board collecting some pie pieces right away. Maybe the Arts and Entertainment one. We were rolling ones and twos.


We would land on the triangle square where we had an opportunity to 'get' a pie piece, but often we would mess up on the answer and have to wait for another turn. No pie piece for us. This happened time and time again. What we didn't realize is that we were learning more and more about the subject even if we were getting the answers wrong. Eventually our pie pieces started to fill our little circle. Does this make us 'better' than the others that sped around the board? NOPE. Just different.

We have mostly learned how to effectively communicate with each other. Mostly. The deeper you go in ttwd the meaning behind communication changes. It is difficult to explain if you haven't experienced it yet, but trust me. It changes and each 'level' has its own challenges in its own right. What we have discovered is that we both needed to learn what the other person needed from us in order to understand each other. Essentially we needed to make up our own 'language'.

So much has happened here in the last 6 or 8 weeks.  I should probably write a post about that, but I am going to end with what I have learned  on this little adventure we have taken so far:


  • Stubbornness has no place in ttwd or I suppose any relationship, unless of course you use it for good like wanting to make it work.  I have learned that even if he is the reason in my mind why we are in a rough spot if we need to talk about it it doesn't matter who starts the conversation.  Which brings me to my next discovery
  • I am, as most women are, the key communicator in our relationship, that is my strength.  I must use it.  I may WANT him to strike up the conversation but 6 times out of 10 he's not going to.  That being said, did you notice I said 6 times?  Yup after almost a year of me initiating things 40% of the time now Barney does!!!


  • Submission is hard as we all know, but being submissive with what he asks for isn't always as challenging as being submissive for what he wishes or might like.  Let me explain.  I don't have many rules.  I don't have to get out of bed when I am done reading and my eyes are drooping to tell Barney I am going to sleep.  I could just turn over, turn off the light and be done with it.  But I haul my butt out of bed, stumble downstairs and kiss him good night telling him I'm going to sleep now.  A simple thing not really worth calling submission is it?  No?  But if you are trying to help your husband along, these are the little voices you need to listen to.  ( okay that sounded way to all knowing for my liking) But I'm sure if you examine your days there are plenty of times where there are things you 'know' you should do, but because he hasn't asked you've excused yourself.  I know I do/have.
  • I have to say when he does something I like,no matter how embarrassing it will make me feel at the time.  If my heart flutters when he says "Good girl"  I have to tell him that.  If he spanked me the day before and I feel better now, I have to tell him that.  Positive reinforcement goes a long way. I learned this from another blogger who's husband is an UBER HOH and you wouldn't think she would have ever uttered, " train him like a puppy".  
  • Talking about how to effectively 'punish' you is not being controlling.  He doesn't have to listen to your suggestions, and trust me some times it takes more than one discussion about it, ( rote memory remember?).  As Barney said " if it's not working what's the point? ".  When we discussed again how to make a punishment spanking more 'memorable' than a r/a, I had to be really honest and tell him what I didn't like.  Sounds silly because I was setting myself up for embarrassment and discomfort, but it made a huge difference for BOTH of us.

  • Accept the small rules as if there were HUGE ones.  These are important to him, and the other ones will follow. 

  •  My need for this thing we do is just that a NEED, not a desire.  It has helped our marriage so much.  We have discovered ourselves and strengthened our relationship.  Often during our adventure's first 8 months I would blame myself for this need.  We are both comfortable in the fact that this is who we need to be to be us.  I AM NOT A BURDEN.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY NEED...and now more importantly, MY need is OUR need.


Barney has learned a few things too


  • Chase her down.  LOL.  Yup  don't let her close herself off.  But more recently that processing is not the same as distancing

  • He is also accepting more and more the whys of why I am acting a certain way ( ie that he may have been the cause) isn't always important.  It is how my reaction is affecting our family that is.  His is usually unintentional.  Mine perhaps not.

  • He is my husband and the head of our house, but he doesn't have to have all the answers.  WE are a partnership in this marriage in the sense that we are here for each other.  Insecurities are part of life, as long as he doesn't show it when I am OTK, any other time I am here for him to listen.  He doesn't have to fix things all on his own.  I am still his WIFE and together we will try and figure things out.   This was a HUGE obstacle we had to overcome.  He somehow managed to think that he couldn't come to me when he was confused. He was supposed to be all knowing.
  • and perhaps the biggest one, my thoughts and feelings about a situation are not meant to be an attack.  He once said to me, " I don't care how you say it, just get it out.  We will worry about it later, (the tone)"  For a while there he forgot about that, and would cut me off mid sentence because I was getting too excited.  That closed me up for good. Ended the conversation.   He now lets me go, and honestly I catch myself before he has to say anything about my attitude or tone. 

We have had our share of stumbles in our adventure this far.  I now can sleep easy knowing that even though we are going to still experience stumbling blocks, I have faith that they too will be building blocks in the future.  We are both committed to making the bad times a moment not a mountain in our relationship.  I can't tell you how that relieves so much anxiety that used to take up too much of my head and heart.  

Basically why I wanted to share this pontificating post with you was for those of you who still struggle. Whose husbands you don't think will 'ever get it'.  If you don't blog, write down some of the things your husband says to you in a day.  Read them out loud.  I guarantee you that if you remove the body language and tone, if you think he isn't all ALPHA male, you will see that he is ask/telling just like HoHs you read about.  If you were to meet Barney there is NO WAY in H_LL you would pick him for an HOH but sometimes in print he comes off that way.  I'm sure your husbands would too.  That is just their way.


Anyway, I believe for the most part if ttwd is what you NEED you will find a way to make it work.  It isn't easy, to get your pie pieces for your game piece, but sitting here looking back, I wouldn't trade one single tear or stumble over the past year.  That is the honest to God truth.




57 comments:

  1. Here's where my eyes got stuck in my throat (yeah...have fun with that one.)

    "I was now allowing Barney to love me the way he has always wanted but was too afraid to."

    Your year has been a testimony of showing Barney the way, trying and trying again and then, often to my surprise, getting out of your own way so that it could happen. I don't know how we do it--us women--know exactly what we want and need and yet set ourselves up so perfectly to not be able to have it.

    I honestly just nodded my way through the whole post because it sums up so clearly all that you two have been in the middle of. You've gone deep and wide over the last year. I won't use the phrase that you hate :) but it sure made me smile to see the confidence that you have--that you both have--as you go forward.

    Finally (lol) you made a really important point that needs to be written about more often. Barney may be the head of the house, but it isn't his job to fix stuff or to go it alone. It is one my big worries in ttwd, that the men can be tempted to feel as though they can't lean on us. If anything, doesn't this new way of doing marriage make us more of a team, allow for more vulnerability etc? I feel like it should, but I'm with you...just don't show it while OTK. :)

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    1. "Finally (lol) you made a really important point " <~~~ that I had to read a couple of times before I realized it wasn't a dig ! LOL . I think because I was still swallowing the bile in my throat after the comment about the eyeballs being caught in your throat ( we already had a discussion about some traditions different than ours that serve animal eyeballs to their guests as an honour) . ANYWAY.........

      So many things we say and do are contradictory for our poor husbands, " okay do this, but don't do it THAT way, " " Or well what I meant was, not THAT way when the moon new and the wind is blowing in from the North" LOL. Communication is the only thing that solves those issues. And just because we 'figured' it out once doesn't mean it is going to stay that way for eternity. Darn it!

      Thanks for all your support over the past year. We certainly wouldn't have been able to look back from this vantage point without it!

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  2. Wow. You had so much in this post! It was so good and I loved
    reading all your illustrations, especially the one with the spirograph.

    It's great to look back and see where you were and where you are
    now. I thought you gave some truly important advice too about
    telling your Hoh things he needed to know whether they were
    embarrassing or not. It's hard to do but how else will they know.

    much love,
    sara

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    1. Awww thanks Sara. I was very concerned that it came off preachy. I don't like to TELL people what to do, ( zip it Lucy, I make an exception for you).

      I honestly believe that we have to tell our husbands things, whether it is what is working, or what is not, or where our mind is, or even if they have hurt our feelings. For the longest time this always led to some pretty awful moments. BUT I know me. I would harbour resentment, and actually have this past year when I clam up. Barney has said, that he can't always read me so he needs me to tell him. The thing is as time goes on he is getting better at reading me. LOL. Now if he doesn't read me accurately I get annoyed because I think he is not doing it on purpose. Almost full circle!!! LOL The poor man ;)

      love
      willie

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    2. Oh darn it! I should have said happy DD anniversary too!!!

      xo love
      sara

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  3. I know all about not getting it... not seeing the signs... not even knowing the signs are there to begin with. Way to go Barney for hanging in there, and way to go Wilma for guiding the leader.

    I think I liked Foghorn Leghorn with the stick the best... imagine if my Susie had a tail!

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    1. See you start off sweet and end somewhat disturbing! LOL Don't talk about my Sassy Skirts friend like that. Now you are back on the shin kicking list!!

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  4. Well you made it through your first year, congrats!

    Your post is so beautifully written with so much thought. You have made so many important points and you really made me think, thank you. I'm so glad that you have given yourself the gift of allowing Barney to show you his love. You both have come along way and I'm so happy for you.
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. Thanks Kim.

      It has certainly been quite a year. So many times I didn't think we'd ever make it to this point, both in time and in our relationship. We still have so much to work on, but I feel like we have hit a comfortable plateau that even if we slide back again, we will find our way back.

      I am pleased to hear that my words gave you something to think about. I didn't think I had another post in me, yet yesterday at the orthodontists office, the words just appeared.

      thanks for your kind words
      willie

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  5. This was a very good post Wilma. We all struggle don't we? I think the key is to reassess every so often. If we were to keep spinning our tail and never sit for a moment we would completely collapse dizzy to the ground. One of the important things to remember is that we need to consider each other and communicate honestly....SUPER HARD.
    Allowing ourselves the vulnerability of baring our soul to the person we love....is difficult but worth it. We often get hurt because we don't always hear what they are saying since we are embarrassed by our need. Moving forward at any pace...one step at a time....
    Love the Helen Keller quote.

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    1. Oh Minelle honest communication is so difficult. Especially because you have to be honest with yourself first. Some times it takes us both a couple of days to really put our finger on what is going on inside before we can share. Those days of suspended animation can be so difficult to bear. Fortunately we are getting better at telling each other, " I am not entirely sure what is going on right now"

      I loved the Helen Keller quote too, and while it can be applied to any one in all walks of life, it really should be a motto for those starting/living ttwd lifestyle.

      Thank you

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  6. Wilma,
    This is a beautiful post...looking back over your ups and downs there is always progress. I think it is wonderful that you share a true picture of your feelings and frustrations. I think it helps us to know that we are not alone. I can relate to soooo many things in this post...wallpaper, party behaviors, making that extra effort to do something submissive when they don't expect or request it. But what I get most is the hope and love I hear in your words.
    I think you forgot a game though. And maybe it's the age of my kiddos:) I feel a bit as if Levi and I are in a game of chutes and ladders...didn't you have a post on that before? I hope Levi and I can progress to circling the board and collecting our pie pieces...chutes and ladders gets old after a while:)
    Love, Bea

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    1. Yes Bea I did write about Chutes and Ladders last year. Probably last November actually. Chutes and Ladders is dizzying to say the least! I hated, hated that stage of ttwd. The good news is the chutes shorten. However the ladders do too. Eventually things even out, but it takes so much personal effort, ( at least it did in our case). Like I said to Minelle being honest with ourselves first seemed to be the biggest hurdle ( hint hint my friend *wink*). But it is the truth, if we can't acknowledge our issues within ourselves, how can we grow together? Meh, I sound like some Face Book wall post!
      You will be collecting MORE pie pieces soon. You know you have already collected some!

      love ya!
      willie

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  7. Wow!!! What an impressive post!! I can relate to so much of it. I can't even begin. I'll have to read it again and then email you.
    I love how far you come, that you can look back and see your tracks, that you can remove the "box" and see your beautiful relationship.
    Really, an awesome post!!

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    1. Impressive? Well thank you but I'm not sure about that. I look forward to your email!!!
      Thanks Sarah

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  8. Wow. That was an amazing post. So many nuggets of wisdom there to take from it... thank you.

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  9. A lovely post, Willie, and very thought provoking.

    Hugs
    Ami

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  10. Morning Willie :)

    Congratulations to you and Barney on your first year!!

    Wow! This is a truly incredible post and a wonderful reflection on your first year. I have watched you and Barney over the last year, the ups and downs and congratulate you both on trying and trying again. You have been though much together and have dug deep and have come so far.

    I am so very happy for you both! As Susie said, I love the confidence you both show going forward and also what you said about future stumbling blocks and turning them into building blocks.

    You make some very important points. I really like your first bullet point. Those seemingly little things really do count don't they? and your point about the HoH not having to have all the answers is also very important.

    "What we have discovered is that we both needed to learn what the other person needed from us in order to understand each other. Essentially we needed to make up our own 'language'". I love that sentence!

    I am so happy that you are now able to allow Barney to love you the way he always wanted to love you.

    Love and Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. LOL! I had to go back to read what my first bullet point was!

      As far as our communication goes, it really became about finding away to talk to Barney so he understood my view on things, but more importantly he needed to find a way to reassure me through communication. So that he didn't say things that had me jumping down his throat and then him on the defensive. I tell ya, that takes a really long time to develop that 'new language'. A long time. A lot of 'burns', and a LOT of patience for both parties.
      We are faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from perfect on this front, but we are seeing results sooner than we did before with much less casualties. We take it as a good sign *wink*

      Thanks Roz.
      love
      Willie

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  11. This post was amazing! So much insight here that one would believe you've been at thus longer than you say! Your descriptions of yourself sound a lot like how I am, yet I haven't mastered letting go when the expectation of disappointment is highly probable. We started DD itself back around 2005, and in 2011 I finally just said "enough!" Although it is still a need I have.

    You've written lots here for me to chew on.

    sarah

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    1. Welcome Sarah Thorne!

      Trust me Sarah some days it felt like we have been at this FOREVER! Letting go of the expectation of disappointment is so difficult. I finally started to see it from his point of view. Why bother if she already knows in her mind I'm not going to? I think for a man who finds it challenging, ttwd, any 'excuse' will do. So by me sending vibes of being negative, he didn't rise to the challenge like I wanted. He just kept thinking he was a failure at it. That he wasn't giving me what *I* wanted and so he wasn't looking for opportunities. Often he confessed after the fact that , he'd indeed saw them, or thought about them. Eventually we started talking about why he thought he didn't do something in the moment, or when he could. He finally figured out it was because he was afraid of disappointing me by doing or saying something wrong. I had to explain that making a mistake trying was better than not trying at all. Then I had to show him that was the truth.

      But back to you, I had a male blogger once tell me when I said I was going to call it quits, that I could put a lid on it if I wanted, but the need will always be there. I knew for me I would be resentful if we couldn't figure this out. That I would always look back to some of the better times we had with ttwd and wonder what if?

      I hope you can find someway to make your way back to a part of the life you need.

      I also hope you'll 'stop' by again sometime!
      willie

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  12. Wow!! Such insight!! I can relate to this SO much, but you were able to put it into words and explain it. I need to get a LOT better with the positive reinforcement. I'm not good at telling my husband what is working, what he is doing well, or what helps me to feel more submissive. I will definitely have to work on that :)

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    1. Hi Sassy
      The positive reinforcement thing is hard. I am still like the 'tv' live delay thing. I rarely tell him in the moment. Mostly it happens the next day. I think initially it started to happen after a glass of wine or two! LOL. It is getting a bit easier, and he is doing it too. So then we get all sickeningly nice. " Oh I like it when you..." "Oh thanks but I liked when you..." Sheeesh those people we used to make fun of! Okay but we are talking DIFFERENT things LOL!

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  13. Great post, Wilma. Glad that you are coming to a place of peace and understanding in your relationship.

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  14. Wow Wilma. You and Barney have made such HUGE progress in the past year. Thank you for taking us along for your look back over the past year. There are many things you said here that seemed to speak directly to me. I've had to go back and read parts of this two or three times. When you said you didn't like to cuddle...I was just like that. I couldn't stand if my husband would *invade* my space while I was trying to sleep! There is something about ttwd/dd that changed that for me. I can't explain it, but I now find I sleep much better if I'm snuggled up to him all night. I've spent most of my life denying myself things I really do want because I thought that was better and less painful than trying and possibly failing. I'm actively working to change that now. Yes, all those little things I've ALWAYS known I should be doing for my husband, but wouldn't, until now. It has made a huge, huge difference now that I actually listen to that little voice. No, it's not always fun,but I can't think of a single time that I regret listening to it. The point you made about the HoH not being alone in making all the decisions, etc. That's a big one to understand. I know my husband was worried at first that DD meant he would be *on his own*, he's just very recently coming to see that he can be the HOH and still have a wife who is a full partner in our marriage. I love what you said about stumbling blocks becoming building blocks! Such a positive way to look at things, and all too true. I also love the idea of writing down things your husband says and then read them over, just like you would a blog. Just thinking over the past few days and what I could write. Wow! I think my husband sounds just like an HoH from someone's blog! Congratulations to you both on your one year ttwd anniversary! And, thank you so much for generously sharing your story and hard won experience with all of us who are walkiing, (and sometimes crawling) along the same path. Hugs and love!

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    1. Well Queenie at times I probably did have you in mind when I wrote this. Only because I think in many ways our home lives seem very similar. I can definitely say without your emails and kind words I wouldn't have written this as a post.

      It is funny about the little things isn't it? Like I know Barney loves a spotless kitchen, but as you know with teens, when you go upstairs for the night, they scavenge for food. If Barney is working late I can excuse myself from getting out of bed to tidy it up one last time ( like MOM clean not teen clean). Some days I do some days I don't. Or you know how they like you to wear your hair, but it is easier another way. Just those sorts of things. BUT I guess in the big picture now we can say we are hearing the little voice more now, if not always listening to it! LOL

      Thanks to you. No seriously, you and people like you who email are just as important to helping me along with our 'adventure'. Even if you don't blog...or especially because you don't blog. It is difficult at times when you think ' Man we are the only ones NOT hitting a stride" . But in truth there are SO many of 'us' out there. So many!

      Love
      willie

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  15. Hi Willie, Congrats on the one year anniversary! What a great post! It was amazing, insightful, poignant, and definitely straight from the heart. Y'all have certainly come a long way and it hasn't been without it's up's and down's. Thank you for being you and sharing the special person you are with all of us. I wish you nothing but blue skies and smooth rides as you and Barney continue to grow forward together.

    lots of love,
    George

    OK, while I meant every word, that was kind of like way too serious for me to leave it at that. So I will add that I was also impressed that you had such a lengthy post and not once did you use "pfft" "sheesh" or”grrrrr” !

    hugs,
    G.

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  16. You don't like to tell people what to do??? Followed by, "Zip it Lucy". Good thing I don't like to listen...just think of what you would miss out on ;)

    I read this the day you published....and have been trying my best to think of something that does not involve the words...communication....going deeper....or run to him....bwhahahaha! You are welcome. But no...really....you all have been through so much this past year plus. So many of us have been frustrated by much less...and yet...you kept going. This is not an easy thing for anyone...but like you have illustrated so beautifully...it is worth every tear...every fight....every fall. It doesn't matter what it looks like in your house...or mine....all that matters is that we take ttwd...cut and paste until we get it the way that we need to be. All I have ever wanted for you and B is happiness. Everyone in the world deserves to love and be loved...to feel safe...and feel important. Wilma, I am beyond happy reading this....here is to many MANY more posts like this one!

    Love ya much...

    Lucy

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    1. It is true you are quite entertaining, albeit frustrating when you don't listen to me....the voice of reason in our trio. But ya know, you can still be 'the funny one' if you want.

      Now on to the sappy, because ya know we both do it so well! At least you didn't say patience! And I'm all for going deeper and running over him....oops you said run TO him. Sheesh no wonder it took us so bloody long! *wink*

      It wasn't easy. I know as my friend for you it wasn't easy having to watch this train wreck week in and week out! LOL. I know there are going to be numerous stumbles and falls in the future. Threats of Shaken Husband syndrome and kicking of shins, but as long as I have support, I know we'll manage. I mean pfft? How hard can year two be ? bwahahaaa!

      love ya too!
      willie

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  17. just 4 little words...I LOVED THIS POST!!!

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    1. Hi Wilma,
      There was an error on Blogger and it wouldn't let me post a new comment, so I'm just going to add my two little cents right here. There was such raw truth in such humble language in this post! No pretense, no BS, just little nuggets of wisdom sprinkled all over the web......now how to make it go viral? Here's to another year my dear!

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    2. Well Lex, there may only be 4 of them...but you made them BIG!
      thanks

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    3. Hey River!
      Thanks for continuing to try and find a way. I hate blogger sometimes!!!

      I appreciate your kind words more than I can say. I was so worried that my post would come off as preachy. My intent was merely to share what I have discovered in the past year in our relationship. I know each of us is different, and I felt often that I was soooooooooooo different in ttwd than many here. Turns out maybe I really am not.

      Thanks for the compliment and the well wishes River.

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  18. Hey Willie...Don't care if blogger is free...am so tired of it not posting your updates in my reading list! Saw a comment Ami made and realized you must have posted so just came over and am not very late to the party. Ok, now that my griping is out of the way...ahem

    CONGRATULATIONS on your DDiversary. You and Barney have worked very hard to get here! Lot of good stuff but I think my absolute favorite lines are "I was becoming who I always was inside. I was now allowing Barney to love me the way he has always wanted but was too afraid to." These really made me smile...so happy that you are now letting this happen!

    Sending lots of positive energy that you two continue to grow!

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Well hello stranger! No worries Cat, you haven't missed much. I haven't actually been posting like 'back in the day' LOL

      Thanks for the sweet words Cat!
      willie

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  19. Oh my goodness Willie, just wow really, what a emotional, thought provoking post. Congratulations on making it through the first year. I hope the second one is easier
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Hey Jan

      I guess I didn't look at it as either emotional or thought provoking. Almost more clinical...LOL. These were just things I had realized over the past year. It was almost as if I was just organizing my thoughts.

      I'll join you in hoping the second year is easier, but you know so many times I never thought we'd make it to a first year, so I am more cautiously optimistic for the second year.
      love
      willie

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  20. i don't care whatcha say, using NO caps is easy to read and dang, this was a long post. but i finished! i'm so proud! you know how i have limited time and i'm sorry i haven't made more time for your posts! doesn't mean i don't love you! <3

    ok. first. i loved this post, because i feel like a lot of it was written just for me. i needed to "hear" all these words right now, so thank you for taking the time to write them.

    my professor is still learning and we're growing together, and we'll get there. i need to say what i mean when it happens and grow from it, too. i need to stop distancing when trouble comes my way. i need to lean into him even when i've put walls up. i need to be vulnerable.

    i need to work on these things. thank you for reminding me.
    hugs,
    m.

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    1. MARYANNE I PUT LOTS OF PICTURES IN FOR YOU AS TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION. I HAVE DECIDED TO SUPLY AN ANTITODE TO YOUR NO CAPS, SELF IMPOSED RULE. THERE THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW. LIKE I AM YELLING ALL THE TIME! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Okay ya know what, I can't do it. Some of this post was part of our conversation over the past month. Talking with you in your time of trouble helped solidify some things I have always known but was hesitant to admit to myself. That is the wonderful thing about truly sharing in this community, we continually learn from each other if we are willing to be honest with both each other and ourselves. At least that has been my experience so far.

      As for your distancing, like I told you on your blog, I now have discovered that there is a difference between processing and distancing. Basically there is the intent right? If you recoil because you need time to figure out exactly why you are hurt, that to me is not distancing, but processing. However, what you do after that, well that can be distancing.

      As you know this stuff is not easy. The 'deeper' you go the harder it is, but the deeper the settled feeling is within you. Or again, this has been my experience anyway.

      Work? Nah, you are doing great ! It will come when you are ready.

      love
      w

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  21. i'm so glad that you and barney are in such a good, no, GREAT place. :) november is going to be a fabulous month for you guys. i can feel it. :)

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    1. Now don't go jinxing things on us! And you are a stinker you know that right? I think you need some spanking for ( well you know who!). *wink*

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    2. well shucks. i am? thanks for saying so. i do try. heehee (insert snoopy giggler here)

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  22. Willie, so happy for you that you are seeing the good parts of ttwd. The middle of November will be one year since I brought this idea to my husband. I was thinking the other day, "I want a do over" because it's just starting, in the last couple of months, like maybe (probably stretching maybe to the extreme) this could happen for us. Then I had to knock myself over the head and wake up. Do all that painful soul searching, changing habits, relating to each other differently from the start again--good grief what was I thinking, lol. Nope, don't want a re-do. The first few months were crazy but you are so right. It has to be part of the process.

    If you guys do dd lite I think maybe ours is dd ultra light but that's okay too. The change is slow but worth the effort. In a years time I have had to let go of the fantasy I thought this would be. In it's place are two people learning to care for each other in a different and more honest way. I may never see an HoH at my house but I will see a man that I respect more than I did a year ago. He may never see a submissive wife but he can see a woman letting go of hurt and anger and sharing more with him.

    Cheers to you and Barney, here comes year two! Clara

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    1. Hi Clara.

      I have always seen the good parts of ttwd, otherwise there is NO WAY I would have been able to muddle through this past year. Sometimes however the fog was so thick I had to follow the road by memory alone.
      Yeah no do overs wanted here either! I am actually grateful for every skinned knee we encountered along the way. It has humbled me greatly while toughening my resolve if that is even possible.

      This -"two people learning to care for each other in a different and more honest way" is wonderful to hear Clara! You sound so much more at peace within your relationship. I will say though that I don't believe you won't see an HOH in your house. YOU have one already...whether you recognize it or not is another story. One bite at a time, for both the HoH and the submissive wife. For just as every HOH is different in their definitions, so are submissive wives. Like Lucy said in her comment to me...you will make it your own. Not my way or her way, or Lillie/Ian or Susie/MM but Clara and her hubby's. Afterall those are the two most important people in your relationship.

      You have come SO far in these past couple of months Clara, building on what you have realized about yourself. It is fantastic, and year two is going to have so much growth...for both of us!

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  23. Happy Anniversary! What a wonderful, heartfelt post. You offer some great insight in the post, I have to try and remember that they don't always have all the answers, that's a really hard one to learn, along with the "stubbornness"
    Thank you for always being so honest and open about your struggles, I think it helps others to know that "this" is not easy, definitely worth it, but not easy. Wishing you both a great second year :)

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    1. LOL..Oh Jennelle the stubbornness, if only I could ALWAYS remember that myself. Life would be so much easier for both Barney and myself. We just have to figure out how to use our stubbornness for good! As for all the answers, it is difficult to find that balance Naturally *I* think I have all the answers, or at least that mine are slightly more right. LOL. But for Barney finding the balance between HOH/Husband was and is a difficult one. I think it probably always will be and I think that is probably a good sign too.

      "This" is definitely not easy. Not by a long shot, and spanking isn't even the most difficult aspect of 'this' ironically!
      Thank you for your kind words

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  24. Oh sweet Willie you made it through a year! Yaba daba do!!

    It has been and we both know it will continue to be a roller coaster but you have both come so far. You should be proud. Such a heartfelt and thought provoking post.

    Boy I do wish our men were not such rote learners. It would make this so much easier. The thing I keep telling myself is that I know he is trying even if it feels like we are stuck sometimes. Eventually we do get unstuck and lurch forward. Not always smooth but progress non the less. Here's to a great second year with maybe a bit less lurching and a bit more gliding!

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    1. Yaba daba do? Wrong CAVEMAN! LOL

      I know you know the roller coaster well Zoe. I have seen you on it myself. I think the most difficult thing is to remember standing still is not NOT progress. I also am beginning to be more brave and tell my husband " I think we are coasting." He has agreed, and naturally taken the blame, HOWEVER, it didn't work out so well for my backside. Not because I was honest, but because he realized that coasting isn't good for us, and has thought about a no tolerance application. That being said, I would imagine we'll coast again, and we will both have to swallow our pride and talk about it again. LOL

      Oh gliding.....so nice................lol Thank you for your ongoing support, understanding and friendship Zoe.

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  25. I'm going to reread this post and then read the comments, but my initial thought is you have many more posts in you. Where you are now really is a wonderful beginning for you. (Waiting a beat...)

    Remember when you got married, the honeymoon phase, then all the adjustments you made in that first year, the ups and downs. Remember being married a whole year. What a ride that was! It almost seemed surreal, but it started to lock in that it really was real. This was the life you were living.

    This was a new reality. A new first year, filled with new ups and downs - but everything underlying this newness, at the very core of each of you, is not new at all. It's always been there, where you originally started out, where you hoped and believed you would go, how you and he and your marriage would be. Then life took over.

    You broke through those barriers, and now you two have another opportunity with the right tools to shape, mold, lead and develop yourselves and your relationship the way you truly want it to be. The difference now is you have a wealth of knowledge about each other, and the certainty of being firmly committed to using your tools to work through rough spots and putting a shine on all the good little things.

    I applaud everything you wrote here, and am so happy to see where you are after a year of trial by fire. ;-) Finding what you really need, and doing the hard stuff to get the good stuff - no small accomplishment. Brava, my friends! Hugs to both of you.

    Irishey
    (I let thoughts flow right to the screen, and I'm not going to proofread, delete, edit, or even give it any more thought. I think you'll decipher it just fine.)

    P.S. The significance of your message is not lost on me. Thank you very, very much for the thoughts. I'm riding a far different horse and it is a distinctly different color - so much so that it looks nothing at all like a horse. You know what that means, right? Yep. It isn't a horse at all. I have a tiger by the tail. ;-)

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    1. Hmmmmmmmmm? many more posts in me huh? Are you implying my friend that I am a bit of a chatter box? Because I happen to have a VERY chatty friend who doesn't seem to have ANY posts in her *wink*

      I love your analogy about the first year...although I'd have to go to before we were married. WE ARE SINNERS and lived together once we were engaged, ya know strictly for financial reasons. Not long after we were married I was a round , puking ball so the romance was replaced with that and then baby poop. LOL.

      BUT you are right. This new us, is not new at all. I do have to tell you though, we are not finding our way back to each other like the early part of our relationship. I was very guarded even back then. I didn't actually think I had it in me to be so open with my emotions and affections. I honestly think this year might have given Barney more whiplash than me. I do know he knew my heart from the start, but my need for him was something that he was surprised by perhaps.

      I am an organizer and bit of a control freak, and so me letting go, with him, has been a shock ( and slow process) for both of us.

      Swallowing my pride and doing and saying things I know in my heart are the right thing has been by far my biggest challenge. I was often so stubborn that even if I knew I was 'less right' *wink* I wouldn't admit to being wrong. I would just let things go....Now it may take me a day, and a LOT of mental pep talk but I manage to get it out.

      As for this horse you speak of...I thought we cleared this up already? I am on a unicorn!
      love willie

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    2. Chuckle! I do not think you are a chatterbox!

      I do think there has been a lot of misinformation and confused ideology foisted on all of us, and a lack of training in how to be proper spouses, parents, family, friends and members is society.

      Oh, gah, I'm getting on a roll. Braking that.

      You on your unicorn, and me tailing my tiger. Ha! ;-)

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  26. Hi again, Wilma. I just de-lurked yesterday after reading your LOL8 post (which was so wonderfully warm and inviting). Now I've just read this post and am so moved. Reading your words was like looking into my own heart.

    "Processing is not distancing" YES!!

    Anyway, would you mind if I emailed you? I don't see your email address here.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I'm new to your blog (and just started one of my own), and will be reading from start to finish to catch myself up!

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  27. Thank you for the kind words. and SURE you can email me ( my email is at the VERY bottom of the page) Wilma.barney@gmail.com

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