Monday, December 30, 2013


Slightly New Barney

Gosh where has the time gone?  I have said on more than one occasion that I would write about how I ended up being married to THIS guy..

This guy
Well to be fair, Barney has never had an issue with spanking me.  Spanking me for r/a, ( use those letters for whatever you wish).  Punishment on the other hand was an entirely different ball game.  Not too mention the ongoing issues of being married to an

But let's face it, for many of us, spanking is just the exclamation point. We need to feel their dominance outside of the spankings.   This is where we found our biggest challenge Barney and I.  He would say he understood.  He would say he would maintain his dominance outside of the bedroom, ( um that is where I get spanked...sadly not a sexual dominance statement...another work in progress).  He would also say,

" I know you don't trust me that I will do this, and I don't blame you.  I haven't been keeping up my end of the bargain"

And round and round we would go again. Each time r/a came up, it became increasingly more difficult for him to 'reach' me. We'd talk and implement new ideas. A recap since it has been soooo long:
- the first idea was for me to write down all the things I thought I was doing during a day/week that I thought were breaking the rules.  We would talk about them and he would explain whether he saw them as that or not.  There wasn't a threat of spanking due to the items on the list, it was just to get us on the same page ( This lasted for a few weeks, but again  ANGEL...LOL.  No seriously, we had some great discussions from this idea...but on the surface at the time things didn't appear to change)

- after another talk and melt down of communication between us, it was suggested, ( ahem by me) that before each r/a spanking we would sit on the bed and talk.  Barney would allow me APPROPRIATE time to say what was bothering me.  Sometimes we didn't manage to get to the spanking at that time, but it was okay.  We needed to talk.  Often he sits there rubbing my back until I can say what is on my mind.  IF I can say what is on my mind.  Sometimes after a long period, I just get spanked.. which brings me to the next thing

- the next day after a spanking Barney will ask me how I am feeling.  It generally takes me a long time to process, or to let the words out.  This is my time to talk about what was bothering me if I couldn't get it out the day before, or anything else that might be floating around inside.  We haven't always been great about THIS new idea.  There is usually a reason why we haven't ( ie, Barney is processing something and he goes inside himself, and doesn't have it in him to talk...) but we are working on it.

Now here comes the part that really truly brought about Slightly New Barney. Barney asked me to look up lecturing on the internet. He knows that only his words really can get through to me, ( no I don't have a titanium butt...but I do have a stubborn head). I actually do need his words to focus on so that I don't allow myself to drift away. I am told it is a pain technique...meh whatever, at the end of the day if he engages me with his words, I am more able to 'submit' in my mind and heart not just my body. My body will almost always submit in a delayed reaction within 24 hours, but let's face it my skin can't always handle that kind of 'attention'. Anyway I began my research.

I am aware there are sites out there that discuss lecturing, but they really didn't strike a cord with either of us.  {I teased with a friend of mine months ago that her husband could have QUITE the profitable cottage industry~ a husband could mail him the name of his wife and the misdeeds she does...or the areas in which she struggles, and this HOH could dictate a lecture.  It would be GREAT.  The husband could pull out lectures for each area of concern. Personally I think I am a genius, she just laughed at me..pfft! }

While SHE was no help I started to google 'lecturing and ttwd' .  The usual suspects appeared, and some forums.  Then I became sidetracked by a Kindle Book.  It was
Now before everyone rushes out to buy this book hoping it will transform their husband into the HOH of their dreams....I have to tell you a few things.  I read this book first.  Devlin O'Neill does talk about spanking parties in it as well, but if that is not your thing, ( it isn't ours but I am not offended by it) please don't toss the book aside.  The insight into my mind that O'Neill has is amazing.  I couldn't believe how he could 'get me' .  I don't have a Kindle so I had to download the book ( all of $3) to my laptop.  I began to highlight things that spoke to me.  I pretty much highlighted the entire thing. LOL.
Barney said for HIM the timing was right.  A few months earlier and he wouldn't have benefited from this book the way he did.  I would LOVE to give you some quotes from the book, but I don't want to get you'll have to trust me ( I am not reimbursing your $3 if you don't like it *wink*). 
Oh right the book.  Well Devlin O'Neill talks about why women who want to be spanked NEED to be spanked.  He does make reference to the differences he sees between women who do ttwd and Dders ( at least I thought he did).  In short for me as the woman in this scenario the book made me feel even more comfortable with who I am and why I REQUIRE this thing we do.  For Barney he began to understand.  More than that he began to see he had a purpose, and a role in making me feel more complete.  More comfortable in my own skin.  More free.
Now I have since recommended this book to several other women.  Some found O'Neill to be arrogant .  I personally didn't find that at all.  I found him rather tongue and cheek.  I asked Barney what he thought,
" Oh I suppose you could take it as arrogance, but I took it more like authoritative.  I enjoyed reading this book because he made no excuses for knowing what he knew.  It is easier for me to take advice from a guy like that".
Others were thrown off by the spanking party bits, ( which again I found interesting for comparison sake). When I asked Barney about that part of the book he said
" Well at first I thought, what the heck is this about?  Then as I continued to read I didn't even think about it anymore.  The rest was so insightful.  He does talk a lot about bums though"
" Well he does like to spank women Barney"
" Well I suppose that is why he talks about bums a lot then! "

Perhaps the book is for you? Perhaps it is not. What I will tell you is that the change in Barney as he started reading this book began rather quickly. AGAIN he is quick to point out, all the other things we went through in the months upon months of living/trying to live Dd was the foundation on which this house was built. We had the frame work already he just needed something to open that door.

Slightly New Barney still slip slides and away, just as Submissive Willie does....ahem NATURALLY me less than him...hardy har har...But we both are in a much better place because of the understanding that this book has brought to us. I , like I said am more comfortable in my own skin. I have accepted who I am and what I require. Barney understands and is embracing his role in our relationship.

We have also observed that if we become complacent than things slip and I spiral. A sad reality. Barney will reread passages from Devlin's book to keep his head in 'the game' , ( merely an expression people). I have since bought him another book. This time in paper back so he doesn't hog my computer.
The book is
 This book is based in BDSM but Barney is also finding it very interesting. I would LOVE to tell you more about it, but Apparently  I am NOT allowed to TOUCH The Control Book...pfft.

on a different note...

Barney and I would like to wish all of you nothing but the best in 2014.   This past year has seen so many changes in our house.    The lows have seemed so incredibly low at times.  But reflecting on the year that has been, and where we stand now,  I cannot fathom many changes we would make.

To those bloggers who have left, please know that you may be gone, but your contributions still remain.  We thank you.

For those who are STUCK with the two of us, well your friendship over this past year has been immeasurable.  We are forever in your debt.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Goodbye Walls! Hello Masks?

I realize I need to write a post where I let you all know about how my husband has transformed himself more over the past 2 or 3 months than he has throughout the past year and a bit.  I owe it to all of you so that you will understand where my last post came from.  Hopefully when life settles down, and well when I do,  I will find the resources to do so.

As the holidays approach,  I have been thinking about my past holidays and how our dynamic really suffered last Christmas.  There has been much reflection as of late on our marriage and what lead us to here.  Many great conversations with others, which brought up insecurities and confidence in both Barney and myself.  This past week Barney and I have been having numerous mini conversations as that is all my horror moans would allow me to have.  The subject has been difficult to discuss, and extremely difficult to hear.  

I am no longer a person who builds new walls.   Oh to be certain I have many walls still constructed within me, but I have laid down my mortar.  Ever the one to adapt however, I have picked up a new 'habit', 'coping skill'- that isn't!  I have realized in situations (that I  may construct in my OWN mind) I am the wearer of many masks.  Some Mammoth Hand Man may suggest this is a method of control.  After I kick him, I may admit he is right ( oh and by the way I did...well more like a foot shove on the couch....but c'mon the guy is a wall in his own right!  I'm not stupid).

There is no real point in writing why I did what I did, but suffice to say, I felt it would be best if I kept busy to give some friends time to be with each other.  So that brings me to my first mask:

The Martha Stewart/Keep Busy Mask. Now this is a very complicated mask.  You see being the 'host' of a  get together, I actually have to BE this person, which by the way I not only thrive in I love....LOVE. However, when I 'do' this , whether it is with friends or  family get together, or a holiday like Christmas,  I isolate myself.  Inevitably people come to help and force themselves on me, but I unwittingly start to withdraw.  Making excuses even to myself why I need to be there.  Most likely because I can't relax if there are 'things undone'.  The problem with sporting this mask is,  you are  'going it alone'. Everyone else, even if they are in the same room with you, are making connections with each other.  Maybe they know they are, maybe they don't.   Maybe you are?  Maybe you aren't.  Usually when you are wearing the Keep Busy Mask, you don't have time to think about much else.  But that is the point now isn't it?
As time goes on.  You find yourself reaching for this mask more and more.   I mean really no one  needs to rearrange things THAT often.  Why do you do this?  Because you have isolated yourself.  Emotionally .  I am not saying for my most recent vacation specifically, just realizing what I have done in the past.
This mask inevitably leads to wearing another mask....
The Curt/Sarcastic B*tch.  The person now has managed to feel hurt, all on her own.  No one created the situation, but herself.  Now there is hurt inside- which if you have been following along in this most excellent 'adventure' turns to anger.  Why?  Because that doesn't hurt as much.  So now one individual is a target.  Usually someone who is 'irking' the mask wearer for whatever reason, valid or not.   Bits of ire come out.  Maybe those around don't notice, but in truth it doesn't matter because the shrew you feel inside is there and you feel horrid later.  Perhaps it is the husband, or the guy who just showed up to the party wearing offensive cologne. There is no real rhyme or reason to it.

There are many more masks that I have, but I want to stop here for now.  The problem with these two masks are at night, there is no one to b*tch at.  There is no more cooking, or planning to be done.  What there IS - reflections of the day.  How you weren't true to yourself.  How the people around you only caught glimpses of the real you.  Or worse, saw part of you that basically doesn't truly exist. 
This lends itself to other issues.  The basic mental mutilation of your own character.  How could you let yourself distance so much within?  You want so desperately to be 'you' and yet you found a way to get away from your core.  There have been many a night in the past where I have sobbed myself to sleep because of these detrimental thoughts. Or ran a bath during the day in order to steal some time away to sob.  I mean literally sob not cry.  These are 'new' coping skills as there is no wall to truly hide behind anymore. 
The problem with wearing masks is the desire to connect is still there.  Suppose you have a family member who has a similar 'need' that you do.  Perhaps they 'require' physical reassurance from other family members.  You put your
I Don't Like People Invading My Personal Space Mask on.  As the evening progresses, they are hugged, and have had their shoulders rubbed.  Maybe someone is holding their hand.  All the while you are wearing your mask.  The mask is for those who can see your outside, but the inside is still hurting.  So out comes Martha Steward/Keep Busy Mask or  The Curt/Sarcastic B*tch Mask.  Further perpetuating the 'myth' you have already created with the 'don't touch me vibe'.  Everyone is just giving you exactly what you have told them. 
NOW here is the catch to THAT one.  Since starting ttwd, when your husband falls for these masks because you are now outside of the 4 cosy walls of home or because  company in yours, the loneliness builds.  This time however it is a feeling of aloneness that is crippling.  You have removed your walls and there is no where to hide except behind these masks.  While masks are great at concealing your face, they offer no protection for your core.
Barney and I have experienced this in our recent past.   He has admitted that when we are on vacation, like last spring, or in the summer, or if we have company, or the kids are distracting, he 'forgets' , in his words, "How fragile you really are".  Is this new? No, but him seeing it is. Or rather me allowing him to see it is.
 He forgets that he has to seek me out, because I will go into a mode.  ( Or for the purpose of this post, put on a mask).   The 'mode' usually involves a vibe that is independent and not needy or soft.  We know, collectively that the more independent I am, the more I really do need him.  Although to be fair that certainly isn't a vibe you would feel.  It is one that needs to be remembered by both of us.  You see, because in the moment neither one of us remember.
Right, so why bring this up now?  Well like I said we recently had many wonderful and in-depth conversations with others about ttwd.   Barney was able to see through them where we came from and where he would like to be headed.  What he wants for me.  What he wants for us.   He has literally grown as an HOH,( gah I hate that term) in the past few months.   I think he understood it before our conversations this past week, but the dots weren't always connected.  Or the pattern within the dots didn't make a complete picture for him.  Now I believe it does.
The other day we were about to have a reconnection spanking.  This had been put off a day because my husband had declared that I was far too fragile at the time to be put in a state of physical vulnerability as well.  I have to say, I have said, "I want to be cherished but not considered to be made of glass".  This fragility was entirely different.  In the past he would have been like this:
 Present day
" Are you alright? Do you think you are ready for this? "
"I don't know"
 " Okay I understand that. I think we need to do this. It seems to do something to you. To calm you when you are hurting like this"
He then proceeded to let me veto implements.  While I was OTK, he didn't really let up.  In the past if he thought we were in a good place, or if he thought I was hurting he wouldn't have much conviction behind his actions.  I have to say this was one of the most caring spankings I have ever had.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like he doesn't love me any other time, just a genuine sense of love this time.  He stopped for quite a while after about 25 minutes.  He asked me a few more questions about the changes in our relationship.  Judging by my answers, he decided to continue.  So yeah, the next portion was 15 minutes of FULL attention!  LOL.  Before he ended he said something to me that makes cry still today,
" After listening         to talk , I realized I have never told you this before. I need you. I mean really need you. I don't mean as a wife or as a mother of my children. I mean I need YOU. This thing we do does that. We need this.  It gives you to me. "