Tuesday, October 28, 2014

730 (Plus) Days

I am supposed to be sleeping.  I wish.  I think right now I probably could sleep but that most likely has to do with celebrating a bit too much at a Halloween Party.  Sleep eludes me a lot lately.  I can fall asleep no problem, but 4 am is apparently just too fantastic of a time to sleep through-at least as far as my body is concerned.  I have yet to find the redeeming qualities of that hour.

Perhaps this is the reason for my apparent 'different writing style' as was announced by my husband last night?

So yes......




I  prefer to think of these past two years as, 


I chose days because hours didn't look as night in my graphic  every DAY I had to make a choice.  EVERY. DAY.  The choice wasn't the same every day.  Some days the choices presented to me were easy to chose.  Other days so very difficult.  But the days that were the most challenging by far, were the days where I wasn't even sure what the choices were. Sadly those days were plentiful.

We all know marriages and relationships in general are work.  HARD work.  Throw ttwd in the mix and well life just got a whole lot more 'interesting'.  Speaking strictly for myself here,  year two and the beginning of year 3 has been difficult because the lines keep changing.  The writing on the wall is no longer there.  What once was is no longer, and yet it is.  We have changed so much and at such a slow pace we don't even recognize those changes in ourselves for the most part.  The natural evolution, however has given the changes in us very strong roots, buried deep beneath the soil.

Have you ever heard the quote, " If you repeat the chapters, the ending will never change" ?  During these past 2 plus years I have read, and written.  I have communicated and listened.  I think for us, for me, there came a time where I needed to find a new book.  As I mentioned before, I ventured to places I had never been . I honestly don't think I was 'searching' for something.  But something FOUND me.  It took me a while to get used to a place where basically no one knows your background.  They formulate their opinions on just what is presented to them at the moment.  That can be a bit terrifying at first. For myself , it worked out tremendously in many regards ( inner thigh spankings not one of the things I would categorize as 'tremendous').  

The questions directed at me where just that- questions directed AT me, about me.  Barney was taken out of  the equation and in turn my thought process.  That sounds horrible doesn't it?  Well it wasn't/isn't.  For those who don't know our story to Dd like many of you, but not all, it began with me.  I needed more out of life.  I wanted to feel, to express, to desire, to engage, be the woman on the outside that I knew was on the inside, as I have said countless times.  The first few months of Dd I focused on ME.  On how I had to open up.  How I had to change. To not be afraid.  To let that woman out.  To let the little voice inside me become the LOUDEST voice inside me.  Many call the first few months of Dd the honeymoon phase.  Many long to go back there and feel that rush.  For me it was bitter sweet.  Almost like high school, some memories are great, but dig a little deeper and there was a LOT of angst too.

Our first year of Dd was, well challenging. Simply put Barney appeared to have a blockage ( his words not mine~ although I agree) and me, well....  The second year seemed to be more about Barney's growth.  This past summer in particular.  When I refer to growth, I don't actually mean his willingness to spank.  (We had issues with 'injuries' for a long time but more on that another time).  So many difficult times that erupted out of what I thought was nowhere.  So many difficult conversations.  So much pain in many ways.  Each time giving way to a small glimmer of hope and understanding. Each time, I wish to GOD I could remember the positive is right around the corner in the midst of all the pain.

Last month, or maybe it was longer ago than that, we had one of our most painful exchanges in a long while.  Perhaps ever as the depths of these waters only seem to grow with time.  After listening to conversations that actually weren't about Barn or myself, I took some things to heart.  " Why would you ask him to do something he clearly isn't comfortable with? "  " Submission isn't a gift it is a burden" ( I btw don't think it is a gift.  Again maybe some day I'll talk about that).  Something happened around here, or not more likely, and I went off to pout think.  The hurt changed to anger, back to frustration, to numbness.  Later I said to Barney when he gave me his expectations for the night while he was away,

"  Don't worry about it.  I won't ask you to do something that isn't in you anymore.  It is okay"  

After collapsing in a chair, he looked at me and said,

" I don't believe you.  You are testing me to see if I will push back"

" With every fibre of my being I wish that were true B.  No I am not testing you.  I mean it.  I won't ask for something you don't want"

With that he left.  When he left, it felt like he left me more than just physically.  I honestly meant what I said.  I wasn't testing him.  I just didn't expect to feel so empty.  That night I packed up all things we had accumulated over the past 2 years.  Not just implements but jewelry, dresses. lingerie, toys.  Anything that reminded me.  Again I did so not in a huff, but numb.  As I hefted the boxes into the attic for a brief moment a feeling of relief came over me, in the most unusual way.  I was relieved that I didn't have to worry about how my reactions affected our new life, his ego or lack thereof in his appointed position. That moment spoke volumes to me.  How would I ever feel like he was in control and leading if I was editing myself?  I don't mean to be respectful-  I mean in fear of him being frustrated or upset with HIMSELF. In that area there was a lack of trust on my part.  (Some of its validity founded in past experiences). That moment past as I closed the hatch to the attic.  Leaving behind something that I thought I wanted in our lives.  And opening up the door to 'okay now what?"

Why anger of course.  That horrid emotion that bubbles to the surface and shrouds all other emotions in a force field.  " Screw him then.  No ttwd.  No unguarded me.  And your 'safety stuff'  pfff! " Well that phase lasted all of 3 minutes before breaking down into buckets of tears and snot. ( Stupid Dd messed with my force field.  Now it is faulty)  I didn't want to not give him guarded me!  I could still live without Officer Barney Safety Coordinator.  I wanted/want to give him ME.  I didn't WANT to go back, and I honestly didn't think I knew how to 'go back'. 

 In that moment I realized I had discovered another piece to my puzzle.  My core was projecting outwardly.  Now *I* could see it.  It is one thing for those around you to recognize something and for you to agree, but it is something entirely different to feel it.  To know it.   To now have conviction in it.  There is great peace found once that happens. The wind has died, and the leaves are no longer turned up.  The water calm, clear as glass.

Wonderful.  So now I can see my reflection but what of his?  Nothing I can do about that.  Embarrassment set in.  Fear holding its hand.  I thought back to the time we sat on our bed recently . Barney waiting patiently for me to expose my thoughts and feelings to him.  Unlike so many times in the past there was no Final Jeopardy music in the background, just a man patiently waiting for his wife to do battle with herself and tell him what was troubling her.  That sweet memory erased and replaced with such an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment.   It was soon followed by the chant in my head, " How could you be so stupid Wilma?  Why couldn't you just keep your big mouth shut  "  Which brought me to , " Two years.  Two years wasted .  Well not wasted but the pain.  And for what now? "

Barney came home late that night.  I had to talk to him.  (I looked like sh*t by the way.  I am so NOT a sweet crier.)  I needed something.  What, I wasn't sure.  We talked for hours.  His growth came.  He said to me.

" All my life I thought that being a nice guy was good enough" ( My heart sank to those words.  He really did think I was trying to change him)  "Let me finish.  It isn't enough.  Being polite, and kind are good attributes to have, but not enough when it comes to your wife and family.  You need to be actively involved.  You need to outwardly show that you care, not assume they can see or feel it.  You need to know I am here for you.  You need to feel it.  I can't assume that you just do"

We continued again with our circular discussion.  I was exhausted by this point and excused myself.  I explained to him that it really had nothing to do with him, but I was too embarrassed to sleep in the same bed with him that night.    Again, I really wasn't trying to force his hand.  I thought we were done for the night, until he 'found' me.  We didn't talk long he just asked if I could find it in myself to come to bed with him.  Swallowing my pride I did.

The next day, like the slow kid in class who just doesn't get it, I went to him again.  I had to know how he felt about the past 2 years.  I had no agenda, other than expelling the pit from my stomach.  I did long to know why he would continue ttwd for 2 years if it wasn't what he wanted.  I needed to pick at my own wound I suppose.   

He explained how he knew this is what *we* needed.  He said he understood and could see how Dd gave him me.  All of me.  To this day he still doesn't understand why that is, he just knows it does.  And has decided to not think of the whys any longer. 

 Sometimes he feels uncomfortable, but not as much anymore.  He told me that Dd doesn't just make me feel vulnerable at times.  It has put a mirror to him and often he didn't like what he saw.  Not the HOH part, the man before.  He tried to explain how difficult that realization was.  Once again I felt awful.  He assured me all of this was a good thing.  I have to trust him of course because Lord knows he has seen me at my most broken since ttwd started and has still trusted this was the right path for us.  On that note he explained that he does become overwhelmed by my emotions at times.  ( True fact aside from happy tears I didn't really cry for the 20 years we have been together..and NOW I am making up for lost time!)

He informed me we would carry on our new life.  I asked for one amendment and explained why.  He agreed ( it is very minor not really Dd related ) and told me he understood.

About a month later it hit the proverbial fan again.   I'll spare you the body-shaking-sobs story (  a lot of crying, feeling like I shouldn't have shared...you know the same old stuff again).  THIS time it hit me,  the bottom line was, I felt that I needed him more than he needed me. I felt he was more important to me than I was to him.  The quote, "In your relationship be an asset not a hindrance" rang through my ears.  A thought that cut very deep.

  Among my snot and tears I told Barney how I felt, .  Once Barney heard my words and worry, pain existed on his face too.  His pain he explained stemmed from what he said the month before.  He felt he had failed me, by not in reassuring me. Failed in SHOWING me, I am every bit as important to him, and that he needs me just as much.  ALL of me. Ttwd is part of me.  Now of us. More simply put, he believed HE was the reason for my tears.



Why tell you all of this in my two year reflection post?  What I have learned most of all, NEVER GIVE UP,  NEVER SHUT UP

The Never Give Up I hope is self explanatory.  But if it isn't~  I am stubborn.  In both good and bad ways.  You know the saying, " Those who say it can't be done, shouldn't interrupt those who are doing " ?  This was me during our first 2 years of Dd.  Don't tell me to be happy with what I have-to be content he tried. To me he said yes, and (with the exceptions of a few times lol) until he said NO I was going to do everything I could to help keep us flowing towards the us we both longed for.  If he dropped the ball, I would EVENTUALLY pick it up and hand it back.   Yes I knew I could only change myself, but in many ways I thought that was the key here.  I am not taking the full burden of this relationship, but I asked for it, I wasn't going to be the one to let it slide because I wasn't doing my part.  

As for the Never Shut up:

All, I repeat all of our issues as of late seem to come from me 'shutting up'.  At first glance opening up AFTER  would seem to be the reason, but it is not.  I feel 'things' coming on.  I used to tell Barney, 'I don't know what is happening but something is brewing'. Somewhere along the line I decided it wasn't in our best interest to share.  Maybe I would be 'manipulating' or tearing down at his confidence.  Again all assumptions on my part.  If I had just turned to him maybe things wouldn't have escalated.  Maybe they would have.  To be truthful I haven't a clue, but the angst prior would have been lessened for me. Sharing in the past was different. In the past it was more, 'when you do this or don't do that it makes me feel (insert good or bad)"  or " I feel myself getting bitchy."  Perhaps even deeper thoughts and feelings, but always something concrete.  


Now life isn't so simple.



Despite what this post may seem to some, I am NOT in a bad place.  Not by a long shot.  I am a little lost I won't deny that.  But I am certainly not scared.  Things are changing around here, sometimes in the physical sense, but as been with so much of our 'adventure',  more than that.  I feel like someone is spinning me like you do prior playing to Pin the Tail on the Donkey.  I stop for a bit, focus, try and pin the tail on.  Some days I get closer than others.  Before I can spend much time rejoicing in the accuracy of my attempts I am spinning again.  It is okay though.  More than okay.  I am coming to understand more of myself-much like I did at the start of this adventure 2 years ago.  This time on a different level. Heck a different dimension some days!


I don't know where Barney will take our relationship next.  All I do know is that HE will be the one to do so. This is an unusual mindset for me. I can honestly say I have no vision of what our future could or will look like. I trust him.  There will be 'more' -whatever that means when he is ready.  Once the thought excited me.  Now it brings me both fear, and peace.  Fear because I know there will be many more painful days of discovery ahead.  I am ready for that.   (I could have written so so much more here about our lives as of late).  I know it is necessary for me, for us.  There will be more confusion.  BUT after that another time of contentment and peace.  



    A friend's husband said this to her, and at the time it struck a cord in me. Now I feel it too. Not in relation to comparing with others, but because I finally feel that together we are striving for a better us.  Ttwd has never been about changing either one of  cores, merely a tool to allow them to shine the way they were intended to.









Saturday, October 25, 2014

Throwback Fun Again.

* This post was originally done around Mother's Day 2013  We came to realize that this time of year could be very painful for many for various reasons, so we thought a little lighthearted fun would be just the thing.  If you search many blogs ( 15 in all I believe) in May 2013 you will find more NewlyRed Game Posts.  Enjoy!




Time to go back in Time and play a 'classic' game based on the American TV show The Newlywed Game.  There is a twist, some questions are ttwd related- Hence the new name.  Without further ado ...cue cheesy music.......





Of course being somewhat Dd related we needed to rename this puppy.  Thanks to Susie over at




( Anyone can play, just copy and paste into your blogger!!)



Rules


Answer the questions in your category first ( ie wife answer questions under wife)


Don't share your answers with your spouse. Next answer the questions in your spouse's category, BUT answer how you THINK he/she will answer.

Have your spouse repeat the process, with no interference from you! Make sure they know to answer your category questions as he/she would think YOU would answer the questions!

 

 

Questions for the Wife

 

What would your husband say was the last thing you did, that made him give you 'the look" ?

~ shocking I know, but most likely being sassy~

Barney's answer~  swear
(this is why I rarely get 'the look' )


 What part of his body does your husband discuss the most? 


~ his feet..good grief his feet! He finds them spectacular! I mean it is not like they DO anything spectacular, like pick things up off of the floor!

Barney's answer ~ my feet

 

 

If I could burn one ( non implement ) possession of my husbands and get off Scott free it would be?

~ URGH...his WHITE running shoes! I hate them!!

Barney's answer ~laughing ...Oh my white running shoes!

 What shape would shape would your HoH say your backside is? 1) an apple 2) a pear 3) a pancake 4) never noticed...too distracted

~ I guess an apple?  but maybe an apple that has been peeled and left on the counter to dry.. personally I guess I would say pear...but I think he'll say apple...definitely NOT a pancake





Barney's answer~ " Is heart shaped in there? " ( Such a good listener my husband is...LOL.)Ah...pear ?

Nothing makes me sassier than ( blank)



 ~ well I do do some of my best sassy work otk

Barney's answer~ A glass of wine?   ( pffft...clearly he doesn't know about glasses of submission! )


 

If my family knew we were in a Dd relationship they would  A) be mortified B) be intrigued and ask questions C) High five my HoH, and tell him/her it was about time !

~ A) clearly....who would want to spank an angel?

Barney's answer ( rather quickly I might add) " High-5" I think the coconscious would be that...It's about time.  ( honestly don't know what he is talking about) 

 

When my husband does (blank) I wish I could spank my mother in law!

~leaves his stuff laying around ...grrrrrrrrr....BUT my mother in law had to be the sweetest woman on the planet....just for the record

Barney's answer~ ( clearly he thinks he's perfect because this answer took forever!) What's that thing I do when I drink that you hate?  ( urgh...Chew when you drink!  why didn't I think of that...guess I never noticed that my MIL did that too...)



When making whoopee, my husband's theme song should be A) I Will Survive B) Dancing with Myself C) Wake Me Up Before You Go Go D) Shook Me All Night Long

~ I'd say E) all of the above..

Barney's answer...Guess it would depend on the night.  DANCING WITH MYSELF   ( he said it almost in a proud manner...sheesh)



If (blank) was an Olympic sport, my husband would take the gold.

~ sleeping

Barney's answer ~ sleeping


Two words that best describe my husband are _______ and _________.

 

~ funny and calm
Barney's answer ~  wise ( insert willie eye roll) and ( ten minutes later.........) forgetful

 

 Questions for the Husbands



What should your wife's theme song be?


He better have said Angel in the Morning, by Juice Newton



Barney's answer ~ " I don't know something by Sass Jordan? "  (she's a Canadian singer from the 80s )

Finish this sentence, even before ttwd I wanted to spank my wife when she did (blank)

~  pffft..HELLO?  See answer above.  NOTE theme song.

Barney's answer~ rolled her eyes at me

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought a (blank) would be something I'd spank with

 ~ well I 'spank' Barney with all kinds of things...or try to.  Oh him?  I guess a plastic coat hanger. 

Barney's answer ~ a silicone spatula  (cupcake one...willie here...this one merely stings..no biggie)

My wife is so adorable when she ( blanks)


BREATHES!  I'm in a constant state of adorable.  pfft

Barney's answer ~ Gee there is so many occasions when you're adorable. (  I'll just put that down) Well I can't just settle on one.

If my wife never makes (blank) again for dinner, it would be too soon.

Oh tough one.  Barney never really says he dislikes anything.  If I ask he may say, 'well its not my favourite" but I can't honestly think of anything.

Barney's answer ~ That's a tough one. ( many groans ) Nothing really that I don't really like.  I can't really answer that question.  Trying to think of something maybe years ago...but...( scratches his head)  Nothing I can think of in all honesty....(SHEESH okay we get it I'm a great cook- even with all my kitchen utensils relocated to the bedroom..! Moving on)

Pick a bird to represent your wife.  What type of bird do you see yourself as?

Um being the creative guy that he is, he'd probably think of my last post and say Tweety Bird.  He SHOULD say the bald eagle for himself



 Barney's answer~  (OMG!!<- willie)  A woodpecker...bwahahaa ( suppose I should be grateful he didn't say the dunking bird from chemistry class )


Second answer ~ ( seriously snorting here ) I don't know,  a duck.  willie- "  Awhat?? why? ". 
" I don't know, I like ducks.  They are pretty quiet. NOW geese, they are loud !" ( about a minute later as I am still laughing/snorting..)." plus I like to swim...OH but not a LAME duck".  He's killing me!

 When I give my wife the 'look' often I am thinking (blank)

~ did she just say that?

Barney's answer~ she needs a good spanking.(  <- ack?  say what??? When did he mentally turn into Ian??? Well he hasn't morphed into Spanky Hands thank the Lord ....because I get 'the look' quite often.) Well I said I am THINKING it... I just don't do it.  ( good grief!)



The two words that sum up my wife are _______ and _______.

super angelic, no need for the 'and' in there!

Barney's answer~ persistent and passionate ( angels can be those too right? )




If there was NO chance of getting caught, where is one place you would like to make whoopee?


~ the 50th yard line in Giants Stadium- hopefully the play clock isn't on

Barney's ( so not creative) answer.  Our back patio...
willie..." What??? seriously?  WE have already done that!"
Barney..." Well that was in a hot tub"

After reading my answer " Oh I thought of Giant's stadium, but I didn't think that would put you in the mood.  Oh, but the question is where *I*  like....I misinterpreted it"..(.SEE what I have to deal with. ?)
 Barney...can I change my answer?  I'll go with Giants Stadium, so from now on when I watch a game I can think of 'that'.                    (sigh)




The fireworks can stay....the people have got to go!



Aside from her bottom, what is your wife's greatest asset ?


~ her halo




 


Barney's answer~ " Well really its your toes"...(.I think I am going to go back under the bridge I

apparently should reside under!  Good grief!)  Ooops...sorry he mumbled.  He said " I'd rule out your toes"

"Oh there are so many to choose from.  I guess I'd go with your legs." My legs?  " or you lower back, or your ears"...MY EARS?  Yeah...they are nice to nibble on....



Thursday, October 16, 2014

A Little Fun ~ Blast from the Past if you will



Well October is a 'big' month around here in the Rubble house hold.  Wilma Rubble turned 2, TTWD was has been around here for 2 years and ********* turned 43 !  Oh and Thanksgiving and Halloween...blah, blah, blah.  LOL.  I will get around to writing a ' Two Year Post"  but I will guarantee you it will be Willie-style not a Hallmark Card for DD...LOL  I hope to by next Monday.  Who knows though?

I have so many newer readers, that I thought for the remaining couple of weeks in October I would post an older light-hearted post on Thursdays.  So here you go...originally posted back in.... January 2013

Addicted to Crack...( a photo essay)


( the notes at the bottom refer to 2013 not 2014...we are okay! )


 Yup you heard me correctly.  This post is going to deal with the addiction to crack.  Most of you out there suffer from it.  Most of you don't like to admit it.  But you know it is  true.





O GOD NO ! NO !  NO!  Not that kind! ( um but to each his own )





A nice side affect of ttwd.  Cracking the walls that we have built around ourselves...but it is painful, and I'm not addicted to the cracking feeling by any means NO!



 This is a little closer.  
                  ( but only because once you've had a 'hit' of crack...you're hooked)

But still NO



Bear with me for a moment.  TTWD is as unique to all of us and unique as all of us are.  But one common thread I have seen weave through the blanket of submission is the opening of Pandora's Box







Annnnnnnnnnnd....then the desire to slam it shut again!




Basically I am saying the type of Crack we are addicted to is this



Admit it ...there is nothing to be ashamed of..( I hope)  I'm not saying you LIKE  it...although some of you do.  I'm saying it makes you more settled.  Keeps your head on straight.


  




( yeouch by the way!)





Without it you start turning into 'this' girl





Or if you are me this little lady





Oops not her...


HER


Yup...you're addicted to the CRACK ( sound and what follows) if you find after a while, you NEED  to feel your HoH's 'connection'.  You need a 'hit' ( pun intended) Without it you get the Dts.  


You get edgy and start doing things that 'poke the bear ' even if you don't realize it



Or perhaps you are more mature about it



Or not




Perhaps you are a casual user. You only  enjoy the affects after, and feel no  need to find your supplier for a 'hit' 

Regardless... you feel reborn after your Crack

Don't be ashamed.  Come out of the closet...or in some houses go into it.  Seek out your pusher.  He's there to help you with your Crack addiction




( Hope I put a smile on your Crack addicted faces today!)

Love Willie

Ps.  Anyone seen my pusher?  It has been  almost 2 weeks !  I've practically set the damn bear on fire!



( note to my private blog readers, I have given permission for this post to be public, so keep that in mind if you decide to comment.*wink*) 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

No Sense of Humour I tell Ya!



( Sorry I haven't answered the comments on my last post.  I will try to get to them soon.  I promise we have read them all and appreciated the time it took for all you you to write down your thoughts! )

While talking the other morning, I inadvertently confessed to something I didn't think was an issue.  You see I am a bit of a spider monkey.  I climb everything to get at what I need.






  I was laughing telling Barney that MM would have been having a bird the other day.



  I was standing, one foot on one banana leaf stool ( yes we really have them) and one foot on the other, paint roller in hand, painting, singing loudly and poorly to Van Morrison's Into The Mystic on the radio.





B " You shouldn't really be doing that"

W " Why I have always done it?  and I have NEVER hurt myself"




B " Well stools aren't meant to be stood on"

W " Pfft says you.  Our dining room chairs and stools have a greater surface and base than your step stool.  I have almost fallen off of your famous step stool"

B "  That is because you are not used to using it."

W" Because I don't NEED to...I am fine on the chairs"

We went on to talk about the ladder for the attic

B"  It says right there, " This is NOT a step" ( referring to the print on the top 'step' of the ladder)

W " So because it SAYS that I shouldn't? "

B " RIGHT"

W " Nothing a little piece of strategically placed tape can't cure"  





B " Sigh you are like Tim at work"  and he goes on to describe someone at work who never uses even a chair but a TABLE to do things.  He then starts in on how he uses a chair in his office, or GET THIS shelves ( that are not going to fall over) at work.

W " Hold the phone.  So YOU are allowed to use chairs and even SHELVES but I can't?"

B" Yup it isn't fair, but you knew that coming into ttwd. "

W " Well THIS is ridiculous.  I have never hurt myself.  My track record should count for something"

B " Yet. "

W " YET??? I may never"

B  (smugly I might add )" Well now if you do your bum will hurt.  Besides I am more athletic than you are"

W scoffs!  " You are so NOT! "




B " I can throw a football better than you"

W" What does that have to do with anything?  I can walk/run faster and longer than you can"

B" That doesn't count"

W " Why not?  If you judge a runner's athletic ability based on swimming, he's not going to seem very athletic"

B " It is not the same thing"




W " What do you know? ..............  You're just a dumb jock! "




Thursday, September 4, 2014

I Wish He Understood



By the time he notices that 'attention' is required, my insides are churning. To him, my voice is curt; my fuse is short, my words are blunt.


By the time he notices, I know my voice is curt, my fuse is short and my words are blunt. I wish he understood that beneath that fire breathing dragon exterior, my heart is heavy. My insides are churning and had been long before he noticed. My skin is tight, my face is ugly. I do not like who I see. Who I hear. What I am. I wish he understood.



I wish he understood what it does to me to be left in a bad place.

I wish he understood what it does to me when he says but then does not do.










Those feelings come rushing back. The heavy heart, the churning insides, the ugliness I feel toward myself. I know how I will be if I am left in this spot. I know the pain and anguish I will feel. Beyond the shew he will see. I wish he understood it isn't a choice. For I would never chose that.










I wish he understood that I just want to be able to be 'like everyone else'.






I wish he understood that if I could choose I wouldn't need Dd to help me feel safe and secure.






I wish he truly understood his dominance; his boundaries; his demanding my submission, even if- no especially if, it isn't given, is freeing for me.






I wish he understood that my 'bucking' against an idea, may actually be because I need him to show me he is strong enough to refute me.






I wish he understood that I don't want him to change. I want ME to change.






I wish he understood that by coasting in Dd it makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel like I have a problem. I start to examine why I need this and belittle myself for not being 'whole' without it.






I wish he understood that there seems to be no maybes. If you mention it, I cling to it.






I wish he understood that I know he loves me very much, but gentle is not what I need at times.






I wish he understood that all I really want to be is the wife I see on the inside to him on the outside.






I wish he understood that I do honestly know I am asking a lot of him. That I love him for it. That while mistakes seem devastating to me at the time~ I know deep down we shall overcome.






I wish he understood the sobs that escape from me during these times are more a reflection of how I feel about myself and not him.






I wish he understood that all my life I have felt different. I rationalized it to one thing or another over time, but the bottom line is I have felt guarded~ rarely showing any side of vulnerability to anyone. If by chance it did slip out, I would quickly cover it up with sarcasm.






I wish he understood for those reasons I was never comfortable in my own skin~ until Dd.






I wish he understood that Dd gives me ME. It unlocks the doors that guard my heart. It allows me ( on occasion when it is 'working' ) to be unabridged. Light. Free. Happy.






I wish he understood that Dd is more than just a kink. It is more than just scratching an itch. It is a need so great for me. I wish he understood that his safety nets of boundaries, and creating situations outside of my comfort zone truly set me free.....






I wish I understood.





Saturday, August 23, 2014

Analogy Time: Out of the Fire








 As I have several new followers, ( hi all !) I will just post this here, and maybe as a reminder to anyone who forgot.  Private blogs don't load on your blog roll.  I have a public blog, Willie's World, that I post on with the link to this blog every time I post ( which hasn't been much..wow).  Anyway if you follow the public blog it will show up on your blog roll and tell you when I post.  If you want~ no pressure of course!

Link to Willie's world........http://williewhines.blogspot.ca/










Okay so WOW.  It has been a month since I last posted.  Who knew I could be quiet so long?  Actually I am still trying to figure out this entire pain and pain perception thing.  I was determined to figure it out and thought perhaps writing a post about it would clarify things for me, but I don't think I am ready for that yet.  Things are still really foggy in my head where that is concerned. So for now I think I will leave it be.  Anyone who knows me, understands this 'leaving something be' is a HUGE step for me.


I'll figure it out someday, and I have no doubt it will be a turning point for me.  But for now let's move on....

There was a question over on the Disciplined and Love forum last week: " Do you believe the introduction of DD can save a failing marriage or relationship?"



Through and interchange with another woman, I began to formulate  an analogy of mine and Barney's first (almost) 2 years of this. Seeing how I don't seem to be writing much this could very well be my 2 year post LOL. ( That isn't until October)  Yup....it's

( was that I groan I heard?  )

All kidding aside, before I begin, I want to make sure that everyone understands I am only talking about Barney and myself.   In addition if anyone has experienced the analogy loss that I am using, I am deeply sorry and I do not mean to make light of the situation.
 Several months ago a friend of ours had a house fire.  The fire started at the back of the house.  After the fire was extinguished, the front, to the outside world showed no damage to the exterior.  The frame was still in tact.  The siding looked perfect from the street.  Neighbours would never know  the house had sustained such damage, unless they went inside. 



In some ways, many, this was us prior to Dd.  But in more ways this was us DURING Dd.  At least for what seemed like a very long time.  To our face to face friends the exterior was the same.  We might not have used the front door often, ( oh that almost sounds dirty) to venture further from our house, but for all intensive purposes the house remained standing, as always.  Inside was an entirely different matter.

Dd in those first couple of months, okay MONTH, brought a spark.  I can't deny that. Commonly known as  the honeymoon phase.  A phase I tried so desperately to return to with such heartache when it didn't happen with the same brightness and heat as it did with that first spark.  The spark did  catch on though ~to the roof our our house!  Every time I thought , "This is just a little burn".  Every time we tried to walk away grateful that we learned to move the source of the destructive fire further away.  Or on good days put it out completely.  Somewhere around January of that first year, the interior went up in flames.  The fires had been smoldering here and there in the walls I suppose.  Instead of facing them, or maybe because we didn't understand what we were facing, we didn't. (One of the posts here.)

This friend of ours whose house caught on fire went out with us one night a couple of weeks later.  He was distraught about the fire, who wouldn't be, but more than that, he concentrated on all the good.  He had switched jobs a few months earlier, and admitted he still didn't know all of the people in his office.  He returned to work a week after the fire to find an envelope with money and a card signed by every person in his office.  Donations from friends, and offers for accommodations came from all over, and unlikely sources.  He didn't ask, people just stepped up.  

In my analogy this happened to us.  People who I came to know, reached out even further to me.  To us.  Some said it was okay to let go and go back to your old life.  Some said they were sorry.  One told me that I must do what I feel is right, but once you take the lid of Pandora's Box it is very difficult to put it back on again.


  He was right.  I don't mean about the spankings, I think those could be there for us even if Dd was not.  I mean the way our lives had changed.  The way our communication grew.  The connections we formed.  Of course one could say, just hold on to what you learned and use it.  Some days I can't even seem to do that WITH Dd..LOL

Pat ( let's call our friend) turned to me in the pub we were at and said, " I stood there in my family room, looking at my kitchen and I kept saying, 'Pat it is all just stuff'.  Trying to convince myself.  Then I turned to my 50  inch flat screen tv - it had been reduced its rectangular support, and I thought, you know what it IS all just stuff".  

When I wrote the " Hitting Rock Bottom"  post our house had burned.  All the good that Dd had brought to us was hidden behind smoke and water damage.  It seemed to destroy so many parts of our relationship at that time.  I didn't have it in me to look around like Pat and see that those things that were destroyed, were just things- stuff.  They were replaceable.  Unimportant in the grand scheme of things.




Before Dd we never really fought in the traditional sense.  We would go about our lives in polite detachment if we hurt each other; waiting for time to dissipate or deaden those feelings.  There was nothing to resolve then.  That first year of Dd, boy did we argue!  Only about Dd~  or so I thought.  Standing, and looking back from where I am now, we weren't fighting about Dd.  We were throwing out our insecurities that had been stifled for so long . Me being upset because he forgot to spank me when he said he would, or because he was doing it on a schedule so he wouldn't forget, was really " I want you to SEE me here.  I want to be important enough for you to remember me- my favourite colour, my allergies, my 4th grade best friend...whatever.  I WANT TO MAKE THE LIST.  Your List". 



His 'forgetting' was the paralysis he had felt for years.  " I am going to do this wrong, and she'll be upset.  No point in even trying. She demands perfection .I don't like to feel uncomfortable. "  or " How can I spank her to regret?  This takes too long"  (She's not typical to read.  Other men have it easier).  I am not Ian ( or any other dominant HOH.) ...was really  " I don't think I can measure up to the men in your family, in your life, in your mind.  I am not like them".

At the time we didn't know.  We both knew that there was more than met the eye with these arguments and stumbles we continued to encounter.  We just didn't understand what they meant to each other.  " I want to make the list"spoken by me was heard by Barney as " You obviously don't love me like.... or you would remember."  " You aren't trying hard enough".  So much smoke and water damage.

I must have written dozen of posts about my reactions to our stumbles.  ( like this one ) and how my past contributed.  I just don't think at the time I knew the gravity of the hold my past had on me.

Our friend's house fire actually did start on the upper floor and burned it's way down.  Facing the problems of our past and how realizing they played a huge factor in our Dd relationship was similar.  The first beams that were uncovered were the ones near the top-things, issues, that either were more recent, or ones that appeared blatantly obvious.  As time went on, more and more was stripped away, deeper into the house the damage was exposed.  Beams that seemed to be exposed in the attic were merely the tip of the ice burg.  Issues in the structure, damage, wasn't only sustained from the fire.  Less obvious issues were things that actually a required closer look.




Pat was overjoyed that his basement, despite having a good foot of water in it, did not destroy some things he had been collecting for years,even before his marriage.  His jukebox and his old albums did not suffer the damage they could have.  

Recently we heard from Pat.  The insurance company has decided that the house will be brought down to the foundation and rebuilt.  The future risk from smoke and water damage, mold especially, is too great  a risk  to just putt up drywall after the studs have been aired out.  Pat of course wanted to initially just have his house renovated because that meant his family could move back in sooner, however he concedes that this is the best course of action.  In the long run he will sleep better knowing that there isn't some bacteria growing on his supports.

Someone mentioned to him that they can upgrade now.  He said while somethings will have to be changed as the house is over 20 years old and those materials aren't available now, this was/is his dream house.  He wants much of it to be the same as before.  Only newer.

That is us now.  The 'fire' of Dd did bring down our house around us.  Unlike Pat, we needed it to.  We lived our dream life, a real dream.  We woke up. LOL.   If our interior hadn't been set ablaze would we have been happy?  Well we would probably have thought Dd wasn't for us.  The connection was strained.  We would have washed the soot off of the exterior of the house and tried something else.  Did that mean it would put an end to our marriage?  I am not entirely sure if I am honest.  I knew I wanted more from our marriage, Barney had not yet reached that stage.  Perhaps we would have found something else that triggered a connection.  You see we weren't rekindling a spark. I was too guarded even the first time around to breathe enough oxygen into the flames to keep the heat alive.

 Dd did however gut our inside.  We found treasures in our basement just like Pat.  Things we cherished so long ago were protected, and we were rewarded for our diligence in that area.  Just like Pat, we look upon those things as GREAT treasures, more so than before the fire. We have a greater appreciation for what they went through and survived.


We are rebuilding.  In many ways our house is finished- in a way any house can be .(Let's face it, furniture still needs to be rearranged, wall colours changed, and new pictures hung).  The house has a very familiar feel , but a slight newness to it as well.  With newness comes some uncertainty and fear.  Perhaps a, " Is that door over 3 inches because now I keep walking into it?" instability to it.  However that is overshone with the comfort it brings being back in our old house-that is new.




As for Pandora's box?  Well I think it might have contained a flame thrower for us! 




... but obviously for us we needed it to.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Gorillas, and Rulers, and Thighs~ Oh My!


( Forgot to mention, grab a snack and get comfortable- its long)

Almost 2 months ago now, I think, I decided to take a walk ( figuratively) to a different 'playground'.  It is still in our neighbourhood, but I have never ventured down this particular street before. Others have talked about this playground and the type of people playing there, so I thought I should check it out and decide for myself.   The people were quite welcoming and friendly.  I even saw some faces  I knew.

One night while chatting, some of the women were discussing 'melting' when their husbands gave them the look.  Well I am certainly not that type of woman.  Sure, I suppose I wish I was...I mean it all sounds so dreamy.   I went on to explain that when my husband gives me the 'look', I give him MY look.  As in trying to freeze him with my cold stare.  No luck yet- not for lack of trying.


Do you ever sit there and wonder, am I ever going to be that person?  Am I even capable of being that person?  I don't mean in a 'woe is me' moment.  I mean in a strictly  analytic moment.  Pondering what that person even looks like? I was in that moment when a chat window popped up.  I can't remember the exact wording and we did go back and forth for a moment, but paraphrasing the man on the other end " Don't worry about melting, I bet you your husband loves those moments where you stare before you submit" ( I did tell the room that eventually I give a giggle and do whatever I was required to do) " Watching that inner struggle is a turn on".  A few days later I asked Barney whether he preferred what this man calls Subconscious Submission or the failed freeze stare - hesitation Submission.  Without even stopping to think, he said " Oh well your struggle for sure".  Huh.  I am not sure a year and a half ago his answer would have been the same, but here and now, I'll take it!

I won't pretend this summer has been all sunshine and roses Dd wise.  We have been slugging along as kids and family vacations, still seem to throw a wrench in things. Boy, that makes me sound like a horrible mother. This summer is nothing compared to last summer.  The Summer of Suckiness.  


Internally this was me last year



The beginning of this week, brought on tears.  At the most inopportune moment, I'll have you know!  Okay, second most inopportune moment- right after an intimate moment.  I wish I could say this hasn't happened before.  It has.  What made this different was the fact that I didn't have a coherent thought or feeling coursing through me.  Barney returned to our bed to find me, tears streaming down my face.  He asked me what was wrong.  I told him I had no clue.  He wiped away a tear and said, 

" I know we haven't been very connected lately.  I'm sorry that is my fault".
  
That explanation seemed as good as  any.  On to the rest of the week we went.  Things didn't change.  I was basically this girl.



                                       ( I envy her- she has no thighs!)


Tuesday night Barney and I went for a walk after dinner.  I wish I could say I was sweet and submissive-  that I dug deep, and was the person I want to be.  I wasn't.  I took the dog, and refused his offer to walk her. He frowned.  The walk I had mapped out in my mind. I did not discuss this with him. It was not our usual walk.  He would turn to go right, and I'd keep going straight.

" Oh so you are leading now? "

" Well you didn't communicate, that you wanted to go right.  I have an idea where I want to go" ( go ahead and sigh, shake your head, and FEEL SORRY FOR MY HUSBAND. In the moment I did too.)  I just couldn't 'lean into him'.  I was hurt, yet I didn't know why. I was stewing,  WHY?  Earlier he asked me, 

"What do you want to talk about?"

" Nothing" ( and everything )  I couldn't accuse him of anything.  I mean he did say on the Sunday morning that he recognized we were off......yet.....But so?  I mean I could have said/done something about that too.  I kept my mouth shut.

We sat by the river for a while.  

" I think we should get going before the bugs get too bad".  He stood up and made his way to the bank.  I sat staring at the water.  As difficult as this may seem to believe, I wasn't trying to be 'bratty'.  The water was soothing, and it was the calmest I had felt in days. Yet by no means was I settled.

" I am not ready"

sigh

" Okay, we'll stay for a bit longer"

On the walk home he seemed to be on a mission- trust me I am the fast walker in the household.  

" Could you walk a little faster please?"

"Why?  Do you have somewhere to be?"

" Yes I can't spank you arse out here" Ahhhhhhhhh that word!!!!!!!!! He knows it sends me!

( Let's back it up a bit)

A week and a half earlier, I was visiting the other neighbourhood park, chatting away with one of the men there.  I had inadvertently disobeyed Barney. I went on to explain this in our chat.
 See Barney is more the 'ask-tell' kind of guy.  He said " Don't worry about the caulking the bath tub. I'll do it".  I had time after I painted the bathroom, so I thought 'Well I'll just do it now so he won't have to'. ( At this point in the chat I was 'interrupted with a "YOU ARE IMPATIENT".  Pfft- okay so yeah he was right but still! lol) Problem being, while my arm is now at about 90% , apparently using a caulking gun is still NOT a great idea.
After I presented my 'case', this was his response,

"He's going to paddle your arse"

  I laughed. Oh if he only knew my husband!  We talked for several hours.  He asked me many questions publicly and a few privately that had and still have me thinking.  Mostly surrounding pain. I think I am beginning to understand myself a bit better in that regard.  Time will tell I suppose.  


He also came up with some 'solutions'- after we discussed the constant blistering of my bum. He said that my arse gets leathery because Barney doesn't move around much.  ( Barney will use the excuse he doesn't have a lot of territory to cover- I  STRONGLY disagree).  This is not what Gorilla meant (  he goes by the name, I'm not being snarky).  He informed me Barney needs to venture all the way down my legs to the back of my knees, and my inner thighs.  YIKES.  Yet the idea intrigued me.  I have had my sit spots spanked plenty.  The odd arrant paddle on my thighs but nothing serious.  Maybe THIS might get through my stubborn head of control.

Later that night Barney came home while we were still talking. Gorilla dared me to hand over the computer to B.  What the heck- I knew what he was going to say.  I wasn't prepared for the EVIL chuckles from my husband however!  ( apparently I am "an Amazing Pain in the Arse" ) sheesh.  Word obviously hasn't reached Australia that I am

So other than their apparently AMAZING wives ( I edited his comment to suit me), what did they talk about.? Why spanking inner thighs.  The ins and outs...okay mostly the ins of it. 



 Did Barney spank me for the tub?  Nope. Well yes.  Initially he didn't click into what I had done that was wrong.  I told him, in a playful manner, " Well I showed you....so.  I told Gorilla you wouldn't think I disobeyed you"  The next day after talking it clicked for him.  That night he told me he was going to spank me.  But it wasn't a punishment.

I pretty much sat on our bed like this.


I don't like being an experiment- yet I know at times it is necessary. Barney looked at me for a few moments.

"Okay, wow I guess I am really sending you mixed signals after all our discussions last week. I said I need to step up.  I need to make sure you take care of yourself and do what *I* think is best for you.  Of course this should be a punishment".  Don't get me wrong here people, my mind was not like this



I just need to have my ducks in a row.  Yeah, yeah, CONTROL...sigh .  After a quick caning ( lexan not actual cane) he moved on to the thigh area. 



 For our first time out, he used a short plastic ruler that he basically flicked.  Yeah, so not a pain I was used to, therefore I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I may be able to, but I am trying NOT to.  I am going to tell you it was more the awkwardness of this particular position he chose that had my mind swimming.  Like a gynecological nightmare appointment.

After he examined his 'handy'work'

"Oh, this leaves some interesting markings"  

MARKINGS????? Who is this man and what have you done with my husband?  After I took care of some pressing business ( he liked the markings apparently) I went to examine myself.

" I look like I have hickeys on my inner thighs!  Oh well I guess those will be more acceptable to explain if they are seen"



Let's just say I do believe there were two men who looked like 'the cat that swallowed the canary that week'.  One in the Northern and the other in the Southern Hemisphere.  But it gets 'worse' - better?  Not sure.  Better I guess if I am honest.
***


That night after our basically silent river walk, nothing happened.  I was grateful as I still wasn't sure what was going on inside of me.  The next day I did feel better.  Less unsettled.  Barney told me to go downstairs and come back to the bedroom in 5 minutes.  When I returned it was obvious that he was going to restrain me.


(I'll give you this visual to refer back to, because I am classy like that.)

 For whatever reason my heart sunk. SEX.  It is not that I don't enjoy sex with my husband. It was just the last time had me in tears, and I didn't feel like we moved that much closer to reconnecting. I had my doubts, but again I kept them to myself.  

"Please take off all of your clothes and get over the wedge" ( we have a cheap version of a sex wedge- I think its intended purpose is for acid reflux...not ASS, bare and up).  The wedge was in the middle of the bed.  Once I was in position, he put our leather blindfold on me and began to restrain my arms.

" I am removing your some of your senses, and restraining you in order that you might feel less in control before we talk".

( interesting) 

Next he attached my ankles to a spreader bar he had made months ago, but might have used twice.  After he attached that to other restraints.  Okay now...um that ceiling fan is really strong!  HOLY.

Pretty sure there wasn't much pre-talk.  Just a whole lotta spanking.  Intermixed with a feather duster.  Yup you read that right.  Occasionally there was some moisturizer applied to my hind quarters, but basically a whole lotta spanking. 

I heard some of his words  
  • You are to graciously take a compliment when someone tells you you look beautiful.  Especially me, because you are.  ( naturally I was going to remember that one.)
  • Something about eating....
  • Something about letting go of control
  • Something about he is the one responsible for taking care of me and our family
He continued to talk .......and spank, and..................


I then turned into this caged animal!  It is a darn good thing he decided to restraint the spreader bar, because I was trying to figure out a way to knock him in the temple with the end of it at one point.  Those who have read here for a while have heard me talk about being silent, this time was no different with the exception of my snorting steam from my nasal passages.








I tried to embrace the pain.  I tried to focus on his words...nothing doing.  I bucked. I pulled against those damn restraints.  I snuffed .  I snorted.  Every once and a while I would relax.  Relaxed my hands. Relaxed my breathing.  My shoulders didn't seem to want to let go of the tension though.  There were two times where I was on the fringe of letting go completely.  I felt my white space moving in.  I was ready, but then BAM...something different.  HOLY HELL!   So close

It doesn't matter though, because he kept at it .  He spanked me past the anger.  Was I jelly for a couple of days after?  Nope, back to me without tears.  Maybe just a little of this happened

Someone does seem changed though.  BARNEY.  I mean aside from his new annoying arse term.  No he's not all bossy, bossy. Well maybe a little, but not really.  I can't exactly put my finger on the what.  I think he is maybe a little more confident?  Or secure?  LOL.. he did call me Brat today.  As in

" Are you almost ready to go Brat? "  that was never in his vocabulary before.  Not that way anyway.  More like " You are such a brat".

He also said he was pondering a no swearing rule, ( I had just banged my thumb!) because " It is not becoming of you"  ( come again????)

As for my thighs?



He actually was alarmed.  Why?  Because  he hasn't seen bruises in over a year. Blisters a plenty- aubergine bruises..not so much.  Meh.  I have long skirts!  LOL

And this guy?



Well he sent Barney a virtual high five.

Remember when I used to tease I needed new 'friends'? . 

 I




 was





 wrong!