Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Jack Pines and Jell-O Tossing

Since starting this ACTION packed ADVENTURE called ttwd I have referred to myself and our relationships as many different things.  I have used too many analogies to count.  Well this post isn't going to be any different!

Last post had left off with me sitting on the ledge but desperately wanting to rejoin Barney inside.  I would LOVE so much to tell you that after all your kind words and encouragement I found my way back in.  But let's face it, anyone who KNOWS me, knew the likelihood of that happening was slim at best.

A few days after my post was published, I got around to telling Barney I had written. In our 'comfy' couch of ttwd

 
 
he had stopped asking if I had written any posts, and well I stopped volunteering the information.  In his defense I no longer write as often as I did the first 10 months or so.  After reading my post he began to ask me questions on why I thought I was out on the ledge.  Do I know if he actually REALIZED I was out there?  That I can't answer.  I didn't really have any answers to give him to his questions.  At least nothing that was new.  He gently stated,
 
" Well tomorrow morning when the kids are gone to school, let's see what we can do to bring you back in from that ledge"
 
As is our usual agreement we talked for a bit before r/a ( reconnection appointment *cough* Lucy *cough*) . I then straddled the corner of the bed and he wailed away. While he wailed he did talk but basically he was giving a recap of what we had just discussed. After about 30 minutes or so and several,
" How are you doing?" and
 " I'm fine"
 
 he asked me what was the matter.
 
" Well the way you are talking to me, it is like you are reading off a grocery list.  We have talked about this before.  I need more from you"

I know. I know...for all of you out there saying give the guy a break...take a look at my back end. We use wood in this house, there was a break alright but it wasn't in my armour it was on my skin.  And for the record prior to the spanking I was in a pretty good place.  I was softening.  But considering we just talked about many things.  I felt like he wasn't listening.  Fast forward to later and some curt discussion
 
" I think then if you have to figure this out, we should take a break from Dd.  I am not saying I withdraw consent. " 
 
" I think you are right"
 
"What?  That is it?  No fight.  No discussion over this?"
 
"So this was a test? "
 
" I suppose it was.  In which you failed.  There is no passion.  There is no desire, apparently in you anymore for this if that is how quickly you are willing to stop.  At least before you would have put up a fight"
 
Basically that was the last 'meaningful communication we had for a good 18 hours. To be fair I did sleep a great majority of those hours. I was hurt, yet I decided long ago, no more major tears over this thing we do. I know it isn't going anywhere permanently . Knowing that deep down makes life so much easier, as that anxiety of if this is it, is removed and replaced with how long are we going to be here?

I'll spare you the actual conversations we had the next day, but lets just say there was some attempted walking away from Barney and a snide remark that brought him back. Some broken rules over those 18 hours, ( and yes I knew I was doing them). A few, " what the FLOCK are you talking about" , if only I used flock...ahem...Some accusations about lack of passion because he didn't want to start an argument the night before, so he left it.



NOW my dear friends here is where the Jack Pine comes in....( there are several types of trees that have similar type pine cones, but we only really have Jack Pines where I live)
 

Jack Pines have cones on them that are serotinous. Basically this mean that they have a resin-like substance that seals them shut. They require high heat to melt the 'resin' which allows them to open - like a forest fire,or extreme temperatures, ( I know this is Canada, but we can get VERY hot in the summer).
 
 
 
Do you see where I am going with this?  This is how Barney and I appear to be.  Well especially me, which drags Barney into it.  Whenever we are in a funk, we stay in a polite discussion stage for so long.  The tree keeps standing but our future growth in new areas does not look promising.  Without realizing it, the temperatures begin to rise around us, and eventually a crack of lightening starts a small fire.  Often my husband Smokey the Bear, will try to walk away  put out the smoldering blaze.  And truthfully sometimes this works, but for the most part, we need a controlled burn.  I did say I threw out a few colourful adjectives in our discussion, but it certainly wasn't a knock 'em down, drag 'em out fight.  It was however Passionate!
 
 
 
Eventually we both opened up a bit. He confessed that he does know what it does to me when he doesn't remember things we talk about. He came to this conclusion after me asking him many questions. I used to simply express my feelings before, but now I find we work better if I ask him and he has to verbalize and realize it on his own. He knows I feel invalidated and that if he can't remember things that are important to me that I must feel that I am not important to him. To be honest, I know in my heart of hearts that I am important to him, but at times this is where my mind will go- yes. I did tell him that by the way.



In a heated moment when we got to discussing lectures, out of frustration I blurted out
 
" Well make notes then! "
 
"Hey that is a good idea.  You won't be upset? "
 
"Not if you remember to use them"
 
The rest of the day we spent discussing his notes.  At first he wanted me to tell him what to say, but I didn't think that was a great idea.  Instead our conversation went something like this:

"Well take for example a punishment spanking, I am big on guilt.  Use it.  Tell me how my actions are detrimental, whether it be to my health, our relationship, the boys, our dynamic.  Tell me how it makes you feel if I don't follow or obey. "

R/a became a more difficult 'lecture' to talk about. I had pulled a few blog posts up that I had sent him over the past months. A great deal of  them were question and answer type posts-  " Who is in charge ?" etc...
Long ago he had decided that Sir was NOT the thing for him, ( we will insert , for now here as we know how men change). He had said in order to answer the question respectfully I could/should answer " You Barney" ( which sounds better with his real name..lol). So that was decided on for good.

Later that day we had r/a. Barney had his notes.




Sure NOT the things that  are written in Dd novellas, but you know, it worked.  Especially when he pulled out the ,

" Who loves you? "

That one really got to me.

Of course I did have to tease at the beginning...I mean he'd be confused if I didn't

" Who loves you?"
" You do"
" No remember to say Barney with a question"
" Who is in control here?"

Hesitation...

" Barney? "

Laughter from behind, followed by a FLURRY of smacks

" What am I going to do with you? "

Since that day we have had many mini discussions.  On days when he is working crazy hours I try to stay up or sleep on the couch until he gets home.  Just to touch base.  Although I think he may be putting those times to an end with the exception of weekends.  We have talked about how he let me take control at the beginning of the month.  How he thought with one of our 'issues' it was decided that I would handle it, but he didn't realize that he should have come to check on me and see if there were things he could do to at least support me.  We talked about how whenever I have to ask him to read something that he is putting the onus back on me, if I am continually doing it.  He understands how over time me continually coming up with the solutions makes me feel in control and resentful...and starts the gap.  He has begun to  ask me more questions-  How are you feeling about this situation?  Did you write today?  Should I check my email? ( although just checking it will be a nice BIG step...we'll get there)

I am to tell him if I have broken a rule.  I am also to tell him areas I have had to take control over during the day if he is not around. If an issue can wait, I am to WAIT for him to deal with it, ( that one is difficult).  We just had another mini discussion the other morning about his lecturing and his notes.  I explained to him how well they worked but I can see myself in the near future becoming a tad frustrated if he doesn't alter them a bit.  He understood completely and had already thought of how to do that.  We told each other what we had liked about the past few days and discussed a 'heated' situation that most likely could have been resolved in a better way next time, ( although not necessarily favourable for me...honesty sucks at times).

All of our mini discussions, for now, have been constructive with no one taking offense to the topics on hand.

In case you are wondering about the Jell-O Tossing and how it comes in.  That is how I think of ttwd. 

 
Wobbly.  But strong.  Deliciously soothing, but not everyone's idea of delicious.  AND every once and a while....it feels like we are tossing it back and forth.  It is messy, and sticky and NO one likes the idea of cleaning up after. When you are in a rough patch TTWD and talking can seem as pointless as tossing Jell-O .  You think you will never catch that^ so why even bother?  Because if you try, you won't catch the entire thing, but if you look down, you'll notice some of ttwd managed to stick to your hands.  Maybe that is the part that was most important after all?
 


I say this with great authority...as I'm a little irked at Barney right now because it appears he forgot about something that was very difficult for me to tell him, surrounding punishment spankings.  I was too angry last night to talk about it with him.  Let's just say, cane or no cane, if Willie is mad...NOTHING is going to reach her.  So tonight we toss the Jell-O again. LOL...but no need for a forest fire at least!


Our little forest fire wasn't as big as it could have been.  It didn't take out acres before it was under control. The great thing about the Jack Pine is, once the seeds manage to hit the soil (which is extremely fertile after a burn), it is one of the first trees to start to grow and flourish.





**** I feel once again the need to add this.  I suppose because I no longer write very often I have lost my touch, and I don't let you in on every detail of my life so things get lost in the shuffle.  We are NOT in a bad place.  Sure I was irked at Barney for forgetting something the other night, but the events I describe in the above post are in the PAST.  We aren't struggling.  Honestly.  We hit a bump in the road but it isn't the end of the world.  It wasn't even then.  Sure we had a rough 18 hours but that was it...just a blimp in time.  I don't want everyone to take away from this...poor Willie.  We feel great.  We overcame..but that was never in any doubt in our minds. 
Sorry for the confusion.
 

 
 
 


54 comments:

  1. glad you found your way off the ledge...and it sounds like mini-discussions are helping you...love the idea of "notes" to remember things...should pass that one on to my hubby (though he would just laugh) still it would be a way of playfully telling him I need him to remember what is important to me. :-)

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    1. Yes Terps, our mini discussions are a tremendous help. It carves out just a few special moments in our day for each other. Nothing builds up. Like stopping to take a pebble out of your shoe right away, instead of saying, " I can make it another block" and before you know it you have a blister ( oops in my case that is LITERALLY true..LOL).

      Before starting ttwd, I always just wanted to make Barney's 'list'. To not only be seen but to be remembered throughout the day. AND yes that included remembering what is important to me. For the longest time he would say, 'well men think differently than women'. True, but THIS woman needs you to remember to feel like you see me. It hasn't been easy getting that message to not only sink in, but transpire into reality, but he has come leaps and bounds so far. And I know he tries. I have to focus on that some days! lol

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  2. Hi Willie, I am really sorry that things have been, are being so difficult. It is really hard I imagine to keep on trying and getting stuck. I have no useful advice for you as we do ttwd in a very different way to you two and I have no experience to give you. I really hope that you two can find a way that you both can be happy with. You have lots of my love and hugs, useless but comforting I hope. And for gods sake don't go out on that flipping window ledge again!!
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Oh Jan, we aren't STUCK. We just HAD hit a small bump in the road. This post was mostly about 2 weeks ago. I thought I would share how we overcame this obstacle but apparently that didn't come across to some.

      As for doing ttwd differently? I can't say to know that to be true, as I really don't see much difference when I read what you say and how we live. Of course I don't generally write about our playfulness. For several reasons, one being I don't have a lot of time to write so when I do I tend to write about our stumbles and what we do to try to fix them.

      Perhaps I will write a post explaining our dynamic in depth soon.

      Oh and Jan, we ARE happy. Just because we had a bad 18 hours doesn't mean we aren't happy. Barney and I are a very happy, and playful couple. Remember blogs are only a snapshot of a day *wink*
      love
      willie

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    2. Absolutely. I am so glad I know this about you and B. Willie plays with him all the time and vice versa. *wink*


      xx-m.

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  3. Hi Wilma,

    So now I have learned about pine cones and jello food fights. :0) I am so glad you and Barney are making your way through this rough patch. It's amazing how many mini talks a husband and wife can fit into a day right?!? I laughed out loud at your "take notes" suggestion, but my goodness he seemed to jump on that quick enough.. Maybe he is searching too! It sure seems he is trying to figure this out with you and working to give you and your dynamic what it needs to thrive. So kudos to you both for sticking in there and communicating... Even when it isn't very fun.
    Hugs,
    Irish Lucky

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    1. Hey Irish

      Oh yeah, we are through the rough patch. We were last week. What we are doing now is preventative measures. So I thought I'd share them.

      Yeah...take notes...I didn't expect that response, but heck we've been together as long as you and Alex, and known each other a few years before ( although not from childhood...he's an old fart..LOL) so changing and building a new 'dynamic' is going to take time. I get that, as does he. We know communication is the only way to do this.

      Before I would ride it out, because we were new to this life, but now we call a spade a spade almost right away to defuse something before it really begins. It might not be for everyone but it seems to be working for us at this stage.

      Thanks!
      willie

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  4. I'm sorry you are going through "unsettled times" yet again. To be painfully honest with you, I think that none of us should be complacent, because it seems to me that as soon as one hurdle is successfully negotiated, another pops up where you weren't expecting it.

    At least you are in from the ledge, walking amongst smouldering pines and comparing spanking with tossing bright green lime jelly. That has to be something.

    I hope you are feeling in a better place today, and that the road ahead becomes less bendy.

    Many hugs
    Ami

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    1. Um, we WERE going through a small rough patch, but that is in the past. What we are doing for the time being is actually focusing on things that may be an issue in the future. Things that might send a "hmmm?" in our minds and talking about it. We are hoping this stops the amount of hurdles we encounter.

      This post picks up from where I left off 2 weeks ago. Sure I get irritated at times with Barney, but it isn't about inconsistency, or lack of ttwd, but forgetting things we have talked about. Minor irritations that maybe bigger dependant on hormones or outside factors. Meh, but who can't say that happens even without ttwd.

      I was in a better place when I wrote this post. We are content, but not complacent. I think our road will never be less bendy, but we now have a map to help navigate some of the twists and turns

      love willie

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  5. Love what you've done with the place. I think everytime I visit, you've redecorated. Anyway....

    Well, you may have got off the ledge the hard way, but at least you're off. Glad to read that you and Barney are talking and making necessary adjustments. I have wondered what my husband would say if I suggested we stop DD. Not sure I want to know.

    I think your last paragraph is wonderful. Full of hope and a willingness to look forward instead of back.

    Hugs and love,
    Queenie

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    1. Hi Queenie!

      And THANKS. I am finally learning how to create my own backgrounds. It isn't perfect, but I don't have any fancy expensive programs. I use only 'free' stuff. It is a lot of fun. But I have to be careful not to get too involved. lol

      THANK you for understanding me and my post!! LOL. Yes I am extremely full of hope. Sure we fell of the ledge but honestly I think we were probably only a flight or two up! I have learned to share with my husband earlier to prevent broken bones. I write about it, and share, but often it isn't the doom and gloom perceived . I guess I am going to have to work on more disclaimers if I continue to blog. LOL

      I was surprised at Barney's reaction to PAUSING Dd...not ending it. I suppose that made the difference, because months ago I was told NOT to suggest we stop anymore. He really doesn't like that. But ya know the timing was bad this time- again external factors more than anything. I have to pay more attention to that with him. I we both try not to let the other one worry...LOL...so bad.

      As for looking forward...ALWAYS. Learn from your past, but don't fixate on it! I am at heart a optimistic realist! lol

      Love willie!

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    2. *off the ledge not of the ledge..lol

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  6. Glad to hear things are moving forward again. Stagnation can be briefly restful I've found, but growing together is so necessary and such a powerful thing too. If we are lucky, we live and we learn. Though sometimes, if you are(accidentally!)stubborn like me you may have to learn more than once. I really like the jello analogy to ttwd. My favorite part of this whole post was "Because if you try, you won't catch the entire thing, but if you look down, you'll notice some of ttwd managed to stick to your hands. Maybe that is the part that was most important after all?" Thanks for sharing!

    River

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    1. Hi River!

      Oh stagnation is a horrible place at times- if we are truly in that place. Comfortable in one thing, spinning our wheels entirely different. LOL

      Um, I too can be stubborn. I know it when I am being purposefully stubborn- but I also know at times it is a very good trait, if used for good that is! lol

      I am happy you pulled from this post what I had intended. All of us come across areas of concern in our relationships, but like I like to say, turn them into building blocks not stumbling blocks. Barney and I are at a stage in our lives right now where this happens more and more frequently now. Where we see the growth and potential for growth more easily. For that I am EXTREMELY grateful!
      Thanks for popping in!
      willie

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  7. Oh Willies am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I love when you said ttwd is "Wobbly. But strong. Deliciously soothing, but not everyone's idea of delicious." That is so true. It isn't for everyone but I think it is for you guys. Even with your struggles I believe you will find your way. Your little tree will grow.

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    1. Ah we were HAVING a rough patch. "Difficult' is now relative. LOL. Our little tree is always growing even if we don't see it all the time Zoe. No worries!

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  8. I am sorry that things have been rough, but keep having the talks, it sounds like you are making progress. {{{hugs}}} You both love each other, that is evident, and you will keep finding your way.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. Things haven't been that rough EsMay. We were hit some black ice. We knew the road was slick, so the spin out was to be expected. We caught our breath and moved on. It is just life.

      Thanks
      willie

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  9. Isn't is nice to know you can have moments like these in your past....and then sail on through them?

    I am sure many great *adventures* are up ahead! (Sorry, I couldn't resist) Rest assured fellow readers...our little Wilma is perfectly fine...and probably by now strutting her stuff in her sassy pants ;)

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    1. Sail through them? LOL...yes I know what you mean...The waves make it a bit of a bumpy go of it, but no one is in fear of being washed over board! It just is what it is, as my girlfriend would say.

      Sassy Pants? That gives me a vision of polyester stretchy pants from the 70s. No matter as long as they don't chafe my bum!

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  10. LOVED the Jack Pine cone! Oh, but Jell-O is so messy (even if Bill Cosby made it look good). The think with TTWD is that there is no on size fits all, and there are mountains and valleys. It may look like things are stuck for awhile, but when you're in that place, sit back and reflect on how far you've come. Slow and steady, and growing as you move along is the key to this lifestyle. Sounds like you two are on the right path!

    Sweet post :)

    Kady

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    1. Hello again Kady!

      I am happy you liked the pine cone analogy . I have thought that for some time now. I see it not only in me but in friends who practice Dd too. We try to keep calm and carry on but it is only when the heat is really on that we truly open up, and are raw. I suppose it works with a spanking too...that 'heat' is required for some...LOL

      Thanks Kady, I think we are on the right path too. It is just that sometimes we need to refer to the map/compass to make sure!
      willie

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  11. Never a dull moment around your house. Poor Barney, you sure do keep him on his toes. If you all had started DD when you were first married and/or knew others who were also practicing it, this would all be a lot easier. It takes time to change old habits, especially when we are confused, unsure or unable to put into words what you need and want. It will happen. And when struggling with DD, remember that as a couple, before, during and after, that you have lived a good life together. You are partners in parenting and you both still love each other so much that you two are both trying to make your marriage even better then it already is. Hang in there.

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    1. Poor BARNEY? Sheesh, I need new friends apparently ! lol Do you know Susie almost tells me daily, " You really are quite the handful" ? pfft.

      Anyway you are right<- see THAT is how you talk to a friend *wink*. We do often look at how far we come, and discuss how we need to give things time to change. That doesn't mean we don't continually strive to push each other to change. Try to communicate where we both still need work...and reassure each other of the progress, no matter how little.

      Hang in there? LOL...thanks coach!
      love
      willie

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  12. I read on another blog yesterday that two steps forward and one step back is still moving forward. No matter how many times you take a step back, your determination carries you forward again and I'm sure you'll work through this together. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it in the process - I hope you've nailed the window shut behind that ledge, we don't want you going out there again. You've ended your post on an optimistic note; I hope you will find your way again soon.
    Love, Rosie xx

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    1. Thanks Rosie

      We know that step quite well over here. When I wrote this post we were already moving forward again. The rough time was not that long actually. The ledge post must be a tad confusing for those who don't really know us. As we have progressed along this Dd road, well when life slips into 'normal' or 'average' type connections, that is no longer satisfactory for us anymore.
      In addition we now talk about it as soon as it starts to happen so the 'one step back' really isn't a full step, it is more of a....oh I feel like I am about to step back- drag me forward. We end up taking turns being the one 'dragging' the other one forward. No one likes to step back, it can be quite difficult to make those two steps forward if that happens. We do whatever we can it stop it if possible.

      I am happy you could see the optimism in my ending of this post. We are well on our way again.
      Thanks as always for stopping by Rosie
      love
      willie

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  13. I'm glad your off the ledge but that sofa doesn't look so comfy. It's so hard when we hit the rough patches but I have found that going through these rough patches makes me appreciate when things are really good. I'm sorry that he agreed to the break so fast, I know it probably wasn't what you wanted to hear. I know that sometimes when I test Rog, he will do the opposite of what I want and he does this on purpose. I think your mini talks are great and hopefully it will lead to better things. I do hope you are feeling better soon.
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. LOL...that sofa really ISN'T that comfortable Kim, and you know what? That is good. I don't want to sit down on it, ( not because I have a sore bum either) because when we become complacent the springs start popping up and poking us. LOL.

      Yeah the 'testing' Barney with that question wasn't a good idea, I admit that fully. And his answer really wasn't really how he felt either. Sigh ...communication break down. Poor time , all that jazz.

      I feel great actually. The mini talks started to help right away. We nip things in the bud right away now. It is so much better, nothing has time to build. I suspect these mini talks will get left in the dust eventually but right now I am enjoying the benefits we are gathering from them.
      Thanks Kim
      willie

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  14. Maybe it all just gets overwhelming at times and everyone needs these Knock down drag outs to refresh and redirect.
    Sorry I am late to the party!

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    1. Minelle the door is always unlocked for you to arrive fashionably late, even with your blouse on inside out!

      LOL....um I do believe I said it wasn't a " knock 'em down and drag 'em out' discussion. But you are right, our troubled hours did allow for the air to clear and start fresh.

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  15. I feel once again the need to add this. I suppose because I no longer write very often I have lost my touch, and I don't let you in on every detail of my life so things get lost in the shuffle. We are NOT in a bad place. Sure I was irked at Barney for forgetting something the other night, but the events I describe in the above post are in the PAST. We aren't struggling. Honestly. We hit a bump in the road but it isn't the end of the world. It wasn't even then. Sure we had a rough 18 hours but that was it...just a blimp in time. I don't want everyone to take away from this...poor Willie. We feel great. We overcame..but that was never in any doubt in our minds.

    Sorry for the confusion.



    




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    1. Only 18 hours and most of it you were asleep..... Lucky Barney, though you may have been talking in your sleep, Lol

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    2. So what size would you like your Barney Fan Club shirt in?

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  16. You know you never seem to want your friends to rally for you the way you do for us. You assure us you are fine... always... and that whatever has happened is in the past and all taken care of. You know, it's okay if sometime you just let us be there for you AT THE TIME like you always do for us. <3 Just sayin'

    Sounds as though you had a lot of discussions with Barney that seemed to help a lot. I understand what you mean about the lecture. I have actually written down stuff for SM before but if he were to like read that verbatim it would not be effective. He has to do it on his own but not the same but still really similarly. Fun right?

    Sorry I missed your post again. I did see it, I began to read it, and then I had to get off the computer. Glad it's all sorted out and you came in off the ledge.

    love
    sara

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    1. Oh Zip it Woman! I really am FINE...sheesh As for letting people 'in' during the time- not really my style I'm afraid. I go off the radar and regroup. Trust me it is better that way. TRUST me...lol

      Yes Barney and I have had a lot of discussion. Nothing earth shattering or ones that take over our entire day, just a few minutes each day to chat specifically about our dynamic if warranted . Like a check point really, so things aren't so overwhelming at r/a time. Feelings aren't hurt and frustrations are high. It has been a good thing, stopping the 'slide back' in between spankings.

      No worries about 'missing' my post. I know you are around, and you'll surface eventually. LOL

      love
      willie

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    2. Sara made a good point, Willie, about you being welcome to vent at us, your friends, during a meltdown. Now, before you get yourself in trouble trying to unsuccessfully tell ME to zip it, and don't "pfft" me either, I think I know why you don't think that is a good idea. You don't have to dump/share the details, your in the moment perspective of them or of Barney, or all your swirling and enormous emotions about them. Icy cold fury, boiling anger, total shutdown, futile apathy... you name it. Sharing any of the above in the moment can give skewed, ugly impressions of us that can't be undone.

      Then, there is this: The last thing I want to hear when I am trying to deal with something is that I need to put on my big girl panties or calm down or not feel badly or not take it so seriously or be told it's not as bad as I think or or or.... Okay, maybe I do need to hear these things, but I'd rather give myself time to collect my thoughts, process, return to a more normal state, and not portray myself as a crazy person, pathetic, irrational, immature, insensitive, or any other impression I can't take back and undo.

      So, I think I get it, but for the record, we do love you (honestly) and we do want to help you through the moments - even if we can't and shouldn't help with the reason for the moment itself (or vice versa).

      I'm not trying to coerce or convince you to reach out in the moment - not at all. I am saying, when you are in the moment, take a minute to remember there are a lot of us out here who really do care and are pulling for you. Some of us even understand and go through similar thoughts and feelings. We are there with you even when we don't know it, if you choose to draw on your knowledge and assurance of our support. We ARE in your moment. ;-)

      You *could* dip your toe in by letting us know you are having a moment. Hmmm... That's distracting for me to do even in a general way, and more distracting to respond to well wishes. Sometimes, distraction is exactly what I need whether I want it or not. Of course, I do none of this on my blog. I just bother one person at a time in an email or message. Lol!

      I'm sure you know me well enough to know I am not INFORMING you of these things add if you don't already know them. Ibn simply sharing a little of how I think about this from my own perspective, ditto-ing Sara's observation that you are here for us in our moments, and offering you some understanding and support about how you choose to handle your own stuff.

      Hugs. Big ones, 'cause I like you. :-D

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    3. I shall pfft you and I will tell you why....that isn't why I don't 'share' during,the perspective of others during an ugly moment. Honestly Irishey you have been here since the beginning of my blog, you KNOW how I don't care about that. I am human as is Barney and if I can share with others about our issues than maybe others will not feel alone in their human moments.

      We have just changed that is all. Our lives are completely different. My draw here is not as great as we often work things out right away. In addition my life is a bit nuts with different segments of me being pulled in various directions. All of which I know you understand.

      I not only know there are so many people here for me, I feel it. Never worry about that :)

      Love
      willie

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  17. While I was reading this post, and before I saw your added entry..I knew you were going to be okay. I knew you were both going to work through it, and I'm happy that was right :) I think it's great that he's taking notes, and that you offered that suggestion, sometimes you just have to improvise, adapt and overcome by wherever means. I'm sure Barney will grow more confident with the R/A lectures, I can understand feeling frustrated if it felt like he was reading from a list. Glad you're both doing well..I knew it ;) Hugs and love

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    1. Hi Jannelle.

      I am so relieved you understood where I was coming from. I was beginning to question my ability to express myself in print. lol

      Yes sometimes out of desperation we throw ideas out there, and they stick. I am very fortunate that I have a husband that isn't stuck in his ways. Like he has always said, " If it is not working, what is the point".

      Hugs 'n love back,
      willie

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  18. One of the biggest lessons I have learned from your blog is that we have to spell things out for our husbands. It seems so odd. It seems like they won't want us to spell everything out, but they do. It surprises me every time. Once I got over the hurdle of accepting that spelling things out is a good thing, we made leaps and bounds in ttwd. I'm glad you made your "take notes" comment.

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    1. Well hello again Trust!

      I can't tell you how happy your comment made me. I often wonder why I am spelling out on my blog what I am spelling out to my husband. It sounds to me that your husband is one of the types of men who can see the benefit of not being to rigid. I know it works for us, but some women it wouldn't work for either.

      I do talk to Barney quite often about what I 'think' I require. I am not always correct, and he doesn't always provide what I suggest, but ultimately I know it is still his decision. Like the suggestion box at the local restaurant. LOL.

      I have learned so much by reading about other people's lives with Dd, and how some say they 'wished' their husband's would do A or B. So I decided no matter how awkward or embarrassing, I would be as honest as I could with mine in order to have as much success at this thing we do as we can.

      That being said, I'm sure I set us back a few times too because of it, but I honestly wouldn't change a thing!

      Nice to hear from you again!
      willie

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  19. I seriously never know where you're going with the analogies. I'm thinking you're going to throw jello at him then put pine cones in his side of the bed? Communication can be like nailing jello to a tree sometimes. I'm a note taker, so I say if it works, why not.

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    1. Oh Leah, some days I feel like doing those things too! lol

      I am a list maker. It used to drive Barn nuts because I would make the lists and then never look at them again. He didn't get that just writing it out, eased my mind but also committed it to memory for me.

      On Friday I don't think he looked at his notes too often during r/a. Then again what do I know for sure as I can't really see what he is doing back there!

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  20. Hi Willie, firstly, I just love all your analogies and think you should make a list of them all :)

    I'm sorry you had a bit of bumpy time and am so glad you overcame and are now in a good place. What I love about you two is the way you communicate and work through these bumps together. You both put your all into your dynamic and are committed. The bumps seem to be smaller and 'easier' to overcome now which is great! It shows how much you have learnt about each other and your relationship.

    There have been times here where out of frustration I have said I think we should take a break and Rick's response was "ok". I felt very much as you did. However, I learnt that his reaction wasn't from lack of a desire to continue ttwd. He was trying to do what he thought was the 'right' thing. TTWD takes commitment from both partners and if I was no longer willing/committed ...

    I giggled at your suggestion to take notes and even more at how Barney picked up on the idea. It is a good idea though. I totally get you on the lectures. Those words are so important aren't they to really reach us. Spanking alone doesn't do it.

    Love your redecorating btw :)

    Love and hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Okay seriously Roz...I have written 150 posts- I'm sure a 100 of them have at LEAST one analogy in them!

      We do put everything we have into our 'dynamic' which IS our relationship. The bumps appeared bigger at the start and throughout the first year, but we are learning not to make mountains out of mole hills. When I am stubborn and don't want to talk AGAIN to Barn about the same topic, I literally chant in my head

      " Make it a moment not a mountain"

      It sounds corny but it really does work for me. Of course I am very fortunate to have a willing partner in all of this -willing to see where I am coming from and not too rigid, but rigid enough.

      love willie
      oh thanks about the redecorating ...it isn't perfect, but I'm having fun learning!

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  21. Hey, Willie. I still say you're great with analogies. Made perfect sense to me as I read through it. Not sure why it came across to some that you and Barney were in rough patch, when you said, on more than one occasion, that you were not. I guess everyone perceives things differently, through their own lens, as our friend, Susie, once said.

    What I got from this is just what you said. That you and Barney had already been through a rough patch and you worked through it. I can clearly see how much effort you two put into communicating with each other.

    I especially liked what you said here:

    "I know it isn't going anywhere permanently . Knowing that deep down makes life so much easier, as that anxiety of if this is it, is removed and replaced with how long are we going to be here?"

    It is the same way for me now. It's such a relief not to have to worry about losing TTWD.

    Great job.

    Love,
    Sadie
    p.s. Oh, and add me to the list of admirers to your blog decorating skills -- it looks FAB!

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    1. Aww Sadie you are a sweetheart.

      It is wonderful when ttwd takes root isn't it? I'm not saying stationary, just solidified and the branches can freely grow, as well as sway in the breeze. The tree my lean and a limb may be lost in a storm...lol...but the roots hold on and we know we will be fine. I can't express how much comfort I take in that. I am happy you understand.

      Love
      willie

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  22. Willie... I have been following your blog with great interest since December. You provide much wisdom along with a wonderful sense of humor so unique and refreshing. I have learned much from reading your posts, you have provided me much to think about and consider. I so enjoy the creative side of you with the way your blog site looks and changes. You are open, honest and frank in your discussions about Barnie. Thank you for all you offer.

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    1. Welcome Catherine!

      I have seen your comments around quite a bit lately where I have been reading. I thank you for stopping by and spending some time with us too! Well, and of course your compliments further add to my excitement..lol.

      I do hope you come back and comment more often, even if you don't agree with me * wink *
      willie

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  23. I love your analogies. They are pretty spot on. :) Im sorry you guys hit a bit of a rough patch, but Im so glad he took some notes, you two were able to communicate, and work it out. TTWD can he suuuuch a challenge. It can be full of tears, arguments, confusion, and chaos.. but when that all subsides, there is always the light at the end of the tunnel. Usually the rough patches end up making ttwd stronger than it was before.. I have a feeling thats where you two are headed. :)

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    1. Hi Kenzie....analogies? That is all I have. I don't have the gift of an inner Dr. Seuss like you do, unfortunately.
      I am happy to report that the tears and arguments are so far and few between now. Thank goodness! But yes they do exist. You know though Kenzie, it is so worth it. Before I was a closed off clam, and Barney thought life was good. I suppose it was, but this is soooooo much better.

      Thank you as always for your kind words and encouragement!
      willie

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  24. Thank you for sharing. You always have such an interesting perspective. I completely got the jello. That's a bit how I feel about TTWD right now!

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    1. Welcome Back Rose!

      We all feel that way about ttwd sometimes. Just focus on the small pieces that are sticking and work from there Rose, it will be okay- trust me!

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