Last post had left off with me sitting on the ledge but desperately wanting to rejoin Barney inside. I would LOVE so much to tell you that after all your kind words and encouragement I found my way back in. But let's face it, anyone who KNOWS me, knew the likelihood of that happening was slim at best.
A few days after my post was published, I got around to telling Barney I had written. In our 'comfy' couch of ttwd
he had stopped asking if I had written any posts, and well I stopped volunteering the information. In his defense I no longer write as often as I did the first 10 months or so. After reading my post he began to ask me questions on why I thought I was out on the ledge. Do I know if he actually REALIZED I was out there? That I can't answer. I didn't really have any answers to give him to his questions. At least nothing that was new. He gently stated,
" Well tomorrow morning when the kids are gone to school, let's see what we can do to bring you back in from that ledge"
" How are you doing?" and
" I'm fine"
he asked me what was the matter.
" Well the way you are talking to me, it is like you are reading off a grocery list. We have talked about this before. I need more from you"
" I think then if you have to figure this out, we should take a break from Dd. I am not saying I withdraw consent. "
" I think you are right"
"What? That is it? No fight. No discussion over this?"
"So this was a test? "
" I suppose it was. In which you failed. There is no passion. There is no desire, apparently in you anymore for this if that is how quickly you are willing to stop. At least before you would have put up a fight"
I'll spare you the actual conversations we had the next day, but lets just say there was some attempted walking away from Barney and a snide remark that brought him back. Some broken rules over those 18 hours, ( and yes I knew I was doing them). A few, " what the FLOCK are you talking about" , if only I used flock...ahem...Some accusations about lack of passion because he didn't want to start an argument the night before, so he left it.
NOW my dear friends here is where the Jack Pine comes in....( there are several types of trees that have similar type pine cones, but we only really have Jack Pines where I live)
Jack Pines have cones on them that are serotinous. Basically this mean that they have a resin-like substance that seals them shut. They require high heat to melt the 'resin' which allows them to open - like a forest fire,or extreme temperatures, ( I know this is Canada, but we can get VERY hot in the summer).
Do you see where I am going with this? This is how Barney and I appear to be. Well especially me, which drags Barney into it. Whenever we are in a funk, we stay in a polite discussion stage for so long. The tree keeps standing but our future growth in new areas does not look promising. Without realizing it, the temperatures begin to rise around us, and eventually a crack of lightening starts a small fire. Often my husband Smokey the Bear, will try to
walk away put out the smoldering blaze. And truthfully sometimes this works, but for the most part, we need a controlled burn. I did say I threw out a few colourful adjectives in our discussion, but it certainly wasn't a knock 'em down, drag 'em out fight. It was however Passionate!
In a heated moment when we got to discussing lectures, out of frustration I blurted out
" Well make notes then! "
"Hey that is a good idea. You won't be upset? "
"Not if you remember to use them"
"Well take for example a punishment spanking, I am big on guilt. Use it. Tell me how my actions are detrimental, whether it be to my health, our relationship, the boys, our dynamic. Tell me how it makes you feel if I don't follow or obey. "
R/a became a more difficult 'lecture' to talk about. I had pulled a few blog posts up that I had sent him over the past months. A great deal of them were question and answer type posts- " Who is in charge ?" etc...
Long ago he had decided that Sir was NOT the thing for him, ( we will insert , for now here as we know how men change). He had said in order to answer the question respectfully I could/should answer " You Barney" ( which sounds better with his real name..lol). So that was decided on for good.
Later that day we had r/a. Barney had his notes.
Sure NOT the things that are written in Dd novellas, but you know, it worked. Especially when he pulled out the ,
" Who loves you? "
That one really got to me.
Of course I did have to tease at the beginning...I mean he'd be confused if I didn't
" Who loves you?"
" You do"
" No remember to say Barney with a question"
" Who is in control here?"
" Barney? "
Laughter from behind, followed by a FLURRY of smacks
" What am I going to do with you? "
Since that day we have had many mini discussions. On days when he is working crazy hours I try to stay up or sleep on the couch until he gets home. Just to touch base. Although I think he may be putting those times to an end with the exception of weekends. We have talked about how he let me take control at the beginning of the month. How he thought with one of our 'issues' it was decided that I would handle it, but he didn't realize that he should have come to check on me and see if there were things he could do to at least support me. We talked about how whenever I have to ask him to read something that he is putting the onus back on me, if I am continually doing it. He understands how over time me continually coming up with the solutions makes me feel in control and resentful...and starts the gap. He has begun to ask me more questions- How are you feeling about this situation? Did you write today? Should I check my email? ( although just checking it will be a nice BIG step...we'll get there)
I am to tell him if I have broken a rule. I am also to tell him areas I have had to take control over during the day if he is not around. If an issue can wait, I am to WAIT for him to deal with it, ( that one is difficult). We just had another mini discussion the other morning about his lecturing and his notes. I explained to him how well they worked but I can see myself in the near future becoming a tad frustrated if he doesn't alter them a bit. He understood completely and had already thought of how to do that. We told each other what we had liked about the past few days and discussed a 'heated' situation that most likely could have been resolved in a better way next time, ( although not necessarily favourable for me...honesty sucks at times).
All of our mini discussions, for now, have been constructive with no one taking offense to the topics on hand.
In case you are wondering about the Jell-O Tossing and how it comes in. That is how I think of ttwd.
Wobbly. But strong. Deliciously soothing, but not everyone's idea of delicious. AND every once and a while....it feels like we are tossing it back and forth. It is messy, and sticky and NO one likes the idea of cleaning up after. When you are in a rough patch TTWD and talking can seem as pointless as tossing Jell-O . You think you will never catch that^ so why even bother? Because if you try, you won't catch the entire thing, but if you look down, you'll notice some of ttwd managed to stick to your hands. Maybe that is the part that was most important after all?
I say this with great authority...as I'm a little irked at Barney right now because it appears he forgot about something that was very difficult for me to tell him, surrounding punishment spankings. I was too angry last night to talk about it with him. Let's just say, cane or no cane, if Willie is mad...NOTHING is going to reach her. So tonight we toss the Jell-O again. LOL...but no need for a forest fire at least!
Our little forest fire wasn't as big as it could have been. It didn't take out acres before it was under control. The great thing about the Jack Pine is, once the seeds manage to hit the soil (which is extremely fertile after a burn), it is one of the first trees to start to grow and flourish.
**** I feel once again the need to add this. I suppose because I no longer write very often I have lost my touch, and I don't let you in on every detail of my life so things get lost in the shuffle. We are NOT in a bad place. Sure I was irked at Barney for forgetting something the other night, but the events I describe in the above post are in the PAST. We aren't struggling. Honestly. We hit a bump in the road but it isn't the end of the world. It wasn't even then. Sure we had a rough 18 hours but that was it...just a blimp in time. I don't want everyone to take away from this...poor Willie. We feel great. We overcame..but that was never in any doubt in our minds.
Sorry for the confusion.