Sunday, February 16, 2014

Where Are the Rainbows and Unicorns I was Promised???

I'm pissed.  Yup not even caring enough to be lady like about it.  Not this kind of pissed either, although I may be working on that soon enough

Thought I'd share so you know it isn't all a case of  this all the time around here:

As some of you may know, from Lillie's post on my blog I was just away for almost a week with the bossy, but caring, very, very naughty, who try to blame EVERYTHING on me girls.  It was quite the ordeal to get there.  I won't go into much boring detail for you but it included not one but 2 cancelled flights and a delay due to a snow storm.  Needless to say my faith in the airline ( not because of the weather) was weak at best.  My nerves were shot.  I was flying to the US by myself, to an airport I had never been to.  Because I was flying out of a smaller airport than usual, I had to clear US customs IN the United States ( Canada has an agreement with the US to clear their citizens on Canadian soil first to expediate the process....IF you are flying from a major airport) something I had also never done before.  BUT most importantly I just really, really wanted to get there!  I was frantic and spewing silly things about driving by myself ( it would have taken me about 8 hours) after the second day of cancelled flights.  Barney told me I would be doing no such thing ( he had offered to drive me the day before).  I told him he " had no choice in the matter"  .  Yup I said that.  (I thought MM was going to fall backwards off of the escalator when I told them that part of the story the next day at the airport).

Anyway, Barney, finally conceded and said he would drive me, but was going to turn around and come right back.  That would be a grand total of 16 hours for those not paying attention. 

 After about 5 minutes, I conceded and said that was silly and I would wait to see if my flight was actually going to go out.   Well as you know I made it 24 hours later no worse for wear.

Flash forward a sassy week.  Once again MAJOR snow storm, delayed plane, running through the airport, customs AGAIN, and  a held plane for me later, I was descending the escalator down toward my husband-tears in my eyes.  This is note worthy, because I can't recall ever allowing those emotions to show when being reunited.  All I wanted to do was go home and have a warm ( I'd prefer hot but he can't take the heat- guess we'll never switch) bath with my husband and then make love.  Ya.  None of that happened.  I went about my evening unpacking, happy to be home while he did 'the homework thing' with our youngest.  After crawling into bed, he kissed the top of my head, and asked me if I was tired.  I said yes and that was it. 

 I was telling him all the little 'gifts' I left behind for MM ( side note Susie came up with quite a few ideas on her own here...*ahem*).  Barney said, " MM is going to subcontract me out.....and I am not EVEN going to charge him"

 r/a was then scheduled...pffft.  

Then next day-another snow storm ( Okay just a break here, I know I am Canadian, but c'mon!!! ) and we needed to do groceries.  So off we went.  R/A was later than usual, but we still had a couple of hours before he had to head to work.  As usual we had our talk before.  He assumed that we wouldn't have much to talk about....WRONG..LOL.  We talked about going away and how I was spinning out of control before hand.  Basically after much discussion he said his first instinct was to take me upstairs and spank me, but he rationalized that I was upset and knew eventually I would come to my senses.  This conversation turned to how he supresses his 'natural' instincts and talks himself out of spanking quite often.  This was quite an epiphany for him ( it was a LONG conversation).  He hadn't let himself realize that he was supressing his feelings.  Great right?  WRONG! 

Later during r/a, which was actually going very well, I had silently started to cry, although I didn't let him know for fear he would stop.  He was using our bathbrush and I was draped over our wedge pillow (that was bought for sex and has been used many times, but only ONCE for sex, but I digress).  Just as the dam was about to break, he switched to the cane.  I should interject here, he used the cane quite a bit for r/a prior to my trip because it doesn't do as much damage normally as a marathon spanking with various wood products.  However the last time it left me terribly bruised all along my right side, from where the tip hits.  We talked about not using it as much.  So I was mortified for 2 reasons when he switched to it.   I raised my feet

He used his other hand to try to push my legs down.  Then his forearm....what can I say I have super strength during a spanking.  " Wilma, put your legs down ".

" Okay, but I am here to tell you I will be PISSED if you bruise me with that bloody thing"  (The bruises on my outer thigh, while didn't hurt, had lasted over a week.  He had commented at the start of this spanking that " all the white wine has done wonders for your bum's complexion"  Uh huh, more like no stupid cane.)

He continued to spank, but I never did find my soft spot again- Well he did have to stop due to time constraints.

" That will have to be all for now.  (Child number three) will be home soon" ( like 20 minutes later)

" Wilma please get up....Wilma? "

" Just leave me alone"
" Excuse me? "  and he went off about something
" Look you left me in a bad spot.  Don't you dare get mad at me!  It is NOT my fault.  Please just leave me alone!"

He then FLEW off the handle ( in my opinion) repeating for me to get up, in not a nice manner, and after I finally did, he told me we WOULD be finishing this when he got home later that night.

While I still believed I had done nothing wrong, I was willing to 'take it' because of our earlier conversation.  He didn't wake me up that night.

The next day, when I was driving with him to work he said we would talk later....we never did

The NEXT morning he tried to talk to me for a few minutes.  He still seemed angry.  I told him that he was confusing me and that if he would have just left me alone after the spanking, even if I was in an angry spot I would have come around.  Instead he poked and poked at me.  I could feel the anger rising in me again.  He became angry again too ( he does that when he is frustrated or if I am hurting).  He said he didn't want to leave for work with me in such a vulnerable position.  He just wanted me to get up.  I can understand that but he wasn't very nice about it.  He said he was angry that I was disobeying him.  I explained AGAIN about being left in an angry spot....NOT that we haven't talked about that countless times before.

So here is where we stay.  Both of us angry.  He is trying to be a 'good housewife' but I am not letting go of my anger.  I know my anger is merely covering up my hurt feelings.  I was on the brink of letting go and then I was yanked back to reality, and if that wasn't enough, he used something we talked about not using as much, EXTENSIVELY...and yes the bruises have returned but in a lighter form, and to make matters worse, my normally understanding, gentle husband, switched to anger to deal with me after.  I may have been angry, after my spanking because that was the stage I was left in, but I wasn't prepared for confrontation.   We have talked about how I need softness to be brought back.

It honestly felt like I was injured and I was expecting a understanding hand up, but instead that hand poured salt on my wound. My safe place  turned hard and cold.  It feels like the ultimate betrayal.  I know.  I know

 But honestly I feel like today when we talked he just wanted to be right.  My attempt at words were falling on deaf ears.  That was my perception.  I'm not pretending it was accurate. I am holding on to my anger to shield myself from the hurt I am currently trying to supress. 

Barney said I have sent out mixed feelings.  That I told him not to supress his feelings, but when he didn't I became upset.  It is a case of timing I suppose.  I was in an extremely vulnerable spot even if he couldn't see it

We will get over this latest stumbling block, that I have no doubt about.  I suppose I am just upset that we are here.  I wish I could let go of my anger/hurt.  It has been a very, very long time since I have felt this way.  If it seems to you like I don't have a valid enough reason to feel this way, it is most likely because I have edited a great deal out.  Besides, I am not looking for people to take sides in this.  It is something we need to either figure out or let time dissipate the pain.  The problem is compounded by the fact that Barney is currently in a long stretch of work, and the kids have time off at the moment.

If I am to be honest, I actually sense we are on the brink of a break through. 

 That alone is also scary.  Oh well like anything else in life, 'what will be will be'...

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

It Takes a Community to Raise a Dd Woman( By Lillie)

They say that it takes a village to raise a child, I agree -  and further I submit that it takes a community to raise a spanko - or a submissive wife.  It takes connection with like minded women  to inspire domestic discipline relationships. 

For those that don't know me, my name is Lillie - and I am in the 2nd year of dd with Ian, my husband of nearly 30 years.

arguably good kitty representation of my husband,
please add a moustache  (he spanks with zealous abandon)

 I am not in blogland very often anymore, I miss it - but life lately conspires to keep me occupied elsewhere.  My little troublemaker sister in dd, Willie s kind enough to allow me to post here when the urge to pontificate strikes me, and I love her for it.

This past week, Willie and I have been staying with our middle sister, Susikins.
Sort of a Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants sequel.....except with long discussion about spanky husbands, battery operated sex toys, nipple clamps and the like....all sans HoHs.  Susie's MM was out of town for the week.....and we went to town (so to speak) in his absence.

MM and his little Susie - I swear they are that cute....

Collectively, the three of us have approximately 6 years of time invested in making domestic discipline relationships work. Added together, we have probably experienced 171,000 spankings... one would think that would make us something of experts.

But we are not.....we struggle mightily.
We achieve moments of perfection as submissive wives, followed by days of angst.
We cry.
We merrily disobey our husbands.
We fall flat on our non-submissive faces.  Sometimes, as much as our husbands care, they cannot give us what we need to pick ourselves back up and try again.
We need each other.  We need encouragement from someone who knows what it is like to walk the green mile and have a one on one session with old sparky (or whatever said husband has nicknamed his favourite paddle.)

That's why I was so sad to hear that there are women in the dd blogland community who worry that they may not  fit the "cookie cutter" mold of a domestically disciplined wife and worse, consider stepping away from this community, because they struggle to live up to the ideal of a submissive woman.

Fear not, girls.
Reach out and grab hold of a dd sister.  Lean on her, and let her lean back.

You cannot put the desire to live this life on a shelf.  If you are like me, you probably spent enough of your life in denial about who you really are.  Instead, embrace your desire to be owned by your man and never let go of your saucy inner brat that keeps things interesting...... afterall, that he why he married/lives with/dates you.

And when you need the special kind of affirmation that can only come in fellowship.......

My support network.....Susie, Willie and Me

......don't be afraid to reach out to someone who knows exactly what you are going through.


Sunday, February 9, 2014

The Gift That Fits

I wrote this post back at the beginning of January.  I had my reasons for taking it down, but I have some pretty pushy persuasive girlfriends who have been encouraging me to post it again.  Hopefully the timing isn't confusing for you... 

I would like you to fear meet the new me...

 What was that? Oh dear Lord?  LOL.  Fear not I'm only kidding.  I'm not Super Sized by any means.  BUT I have come to the realization that Dd is truly working in the direction we intended it to.

Let me explain a bit.  Before our Christmas break, I came up with an idea. Once again I thought it was brilliant. Once again I was in the minority!

B- "What's the matter? What are you up too? "

W-" What do you mean? I'm not UP to anything"

B- " You have that look. And you look kind of upset too. Neither looks are generally good for me."

W- " Well I was thinking"

BIG EXHALE OF AIR from Barney's direction

W " Okay. Fine I won't tell you "
B- " No. no PLEASE do"
W " sigh, well I was thinking that we should put Dd on pause until the New Year"

I will spare you the details, but after he stopped gasping for air, I mean honestly such a Drama Queen at times, I went on to plead my case.  I mentioned how he would be working ridiculous hours and how the kids would be home most of the time, and with the stress that last year was, and well, if I KNEW I HAD to keep it together with no help.  I might not be able to do it- okay who am I kidding I didn't last year, but at least I wouldn't be resentful.  Um, yeah so that went over about as well as it should could have.

  Apparently you are supposed to address issues of concern with your husband in a Dd marriage NOT make decisions, ( on your own) based on assumptions or things that may have happened a year ago.  Huh...who knew?

~ side note, I was telling a girlfriend, who graciously had me on speaker phone about my idea...( all in tongue and cheek by this point) and her husband said the EXACT same thing as Barney!  I may have heard a palm to the forehead in the background, and I know I heard him chuckle, but " THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA" was  a definite ! She was kind enough to see MY point..LOL!

Anyway he gave me some ideas of how things were going to look during the holidays and we were off.  Only we weren't, but that was okay.  Really it was.  On Christmas Eve Day,  Barney told me ,

" Today you can boss me around all day.  We have lots to do and I know you have in mind what you need to have done when.  Let me know"

SWEET!  I mean he isn't a tyrant. He is very patient with me so it wasn't a Get out of Jail card free or anything, but it was still nice to hear.  Sadly, LIFE had a different plan in store.  I became ill.  He became BOSSY.

" Sit down."  " Put that down"  " You need to go lie down"  " You are not going to Mass tonight"  " I was going to take the kids to Mass tonight, but then you would be left here. Probably doing stuff.  So I am not going to"

I managed more energy later in the evening and the majority of Christmas Day.  Here is where the new me finally comes into play.  My turkey was over cooked, for my liking anyway.

(well not exactly)
I ended up, because it was the right thing to do, inviting a family that says the oddest things and it cuts the conversation to a dead stop, 
I made my kids' favourite dessert that didn't 'set' properly.  Curses still for that! Oh but wait  the dog opened the fridge and ate half of it first!

Did ANY of these things send me into hysterics ?  or turn me into a B&TCH? Nope.  Not a one.  Was I sitting on my own roasted rump?  Nope it had been over a week since my last spanking.

I realized something.  No I hadn't  put Dd on pause in my mind.  I was content with myself.  I even let my sister in law help clean up the kitchen.  I never do that.  I always do it on my own after everyone is gone. 

I didn't have a meltdown/stress fit over the holidays, ( okay I was back to being sick again the day after) because I didn't have any stress.  I had done all these things a hundred times before, and told myself  'who cares if it doesn't get done?' or " it always works out'  but in truth, I always had anxiety about it.  I wanted everything to be perfect for everyone.  You know what?  It still was.  Everyone had fun and enjoyed their meal.  I didn't mention how imperfect everything appeared to me.  I just enjoyed

Fifteen months ago I wrote a (much shorter) post about what I needed Dd for, or so I thought ( here if you just can't get enough of me).   So many things on my wish list have come true.  Also 15 months ago a now friend had written a letter to Barney and I. Me being me I saved it, although I can remember most of what was in it anyway.  I am happy I did.  One of the things he said to Barney was, " My wife is actually more confident than she ever has been - she is stronger and she knows it" .  Back then I thought, WOW that would be such an added bonus.

This past 15 months has been a very difficult road.  There have been demons I had to face personally.  There have been people I had to deal with.  All along, even when it looked like there was no hope in sight Barney was there.  You know,  I realized, I don't need an army in my corner.  I only need one person.  BUT I need to really believe not just KNOW that one person is in my corner.  Bit by bit, little by little, Wilma came out to play longer and longer.  Would those around me notice?  Probably not.  I have always had the ability to make myself fit the situation if you will.  But *I* now know.

For such a long time I didn't feel whole, in some way

While I wasn't 'looking' this seemed to happen

Did this happen?
Um NO!  I still am happy that the mirror is fogged up when I get out of the shower.  I still try on a million different things before going out to a party.

I am not going to be making any big presentations in front of crowds any time soon

But if it makes any sense, I am still more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been  in my entire life.

  Dd had brought that to me.  I am at peace with who I am, faults and all.  Don't misunderstand I will never stop trying to improve on myself.  I just have a comfort inside of me. Like I can just be, and it is okay.

( I realize the above is most likely intended for D/s not Dd...but it is so true in our case.)
You might recall that at the beginning of December, ( no that is not when you started to read this post) I did a post on Masks etc.  I was still processing from our trip away with 2 other Dd couples

I realized after that time, I had more than Barney in my corner.  More, than that- I had people who knew ME... and all the deep dark secrets, ( ironically I am not even talking about spanking) in my corner.  For myself when I started to open up, and be accepted I started to open up more.  It was like oxygen, second nature.
Some may argue that in time without Dd you get to a point and you become this person anyway. Perhaps this is true.  I do know for me, for years I walked the walk and didn't talk the talk.  More like THIS kind of attitude

 Only those very close to me, okay Barney and our friend Dan, saw me for the guarded person I really was, but also for the person behind the force field.  In time would I have been 'set' free?  Maybe I would have, but to what degree I am not sure.   Dd and all its ups and downs has given me a drive and a passion I never thought I possessed.  For whatever reason, call it timing if you like, I can FEEL an inner strength and warmth in me I  have always longed for.  It brought these feelings to the surface.  I don't mean to imply I morphed into a different person.

Sure not everyone is going to like what they see, but over my shoulder, there is always at least ONE person in my corner.  The most important one. I suppose I could say, Dd is the  gift that keeps on giving.  For us it was the perfect fit ( okay it took a while to get the right size I'll give you that!).




Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Where We Are ( oh no fear there is a food analogy in here)

You know I had this whole post planned out with pictures of who we are and who we aren't.  I thought it would be kind of cute.  Then I thought ' meh...ya know sometimes those things can go awry.  People who may find themselves in the 'we are not' side of the post might think I am criticizing when I was merely pointing out who we aren't".  So basically I have scrapped that idea.  LOL

 I do feel I should, in the interest ( or of people who just started reading my blog, explain us a bit.  Or maybe explain to me a bit ? 

Since starting ttwd or Dd or this thing we do with Dd, not sure how everyone classifies it, Barney and I have made so many discoveries about ourselves.  Interestingly enough, at times I forget that we didn't always communicate this way.  I have been asked if our kids have noticed the change in us.  No and I will tell you one of the reasons why,  Barney and I have always been playful, and cheerful , and non confrontational and
Basically Dd did not stop screaming matches.  It has protected a few inanimate objects in our house perhaps.  The changes that were brought on were more subtle and I think they really haven't noticed a huge change because it was so gradual.  As I said, sometimes Barney and I have to remind each other how far we have come.  When that fails I have a few girlfriends who are VERY quick to tell me how far we have come!
The biggest change I have to write about within our Dd structure is this-
We went from this 1)
To this 2)
Bear with me while I explain.  For the first, gosh I don't know 9 months of ttwd/Dd if we had a disagreement, and it was always surrounding Dd, it felt like the top photo.  Not always, but often there was a concern that this thing we do was shattering.  That we maybe able to, with great difficulty glue things back together, but there are cracks that potentially will leak.  Leak out hot liquid and burn us again.
We now resemble the  second photo.  We have times where we have knocked over the coffee mug.  It falls to the ceramic floor and we watch in horror as it bounces.  Hot liquid spraying up on all the walls and appliances around us.  What a mess.  HOWEVER, the mug does not break.  We, frustrated with ourselves for not paying closer attention,  pick up the rag and start wiping things down.  It isn't fun, especially because we know it most likely could have been avoided.  Sometimes one will take the blame, but we both know in our hearts- sure you put the cup close to the edge, but I careless filled it!
While all of this is unnerving, the watching to cup fall, the liquid spray, the tiny burn, it isn't a tragedy.  We know ttwd / Dd is full of mistakes, hiccups, road blocks, speed bumps, stagnant mosquito breeding water ( oh wait, haven't used that one yet), but we have excepted it.  Life is like that.  Ttwd/Dd *IS* our life.  So when we have weeks like a few weeks ago,we aren't broken.  But we are looking at ways to prevent the cup from falling again. 
The simplest solution would be to push it back on the counter further.  Sometimes we just get in such a hurry that we think we have placed it in a safe zone.  Our mini talks have each of us double checking to see if the cup is secure enough to be filled without the risk of being knocked over.
I am not going to lie to you, there are times I feel like it has caught my sleeve and it has almost gone to the floor again, but surprisingly,  Barney has stopped me.  Whether it be just taking my hand in bed, while we read, or rubbing my back,he has pushed the cup back.  When he hasn't,  I have talked to him about feelings I have building.  These talks aren't natural or easy for me, but I certainly prefer them to mopping up sticky coffee!
Our r/a sessions have been far more successful the last 3 times.  Barn hasn't really had to 'bring me back', he's had to just keep me near.  Our last one was a bit more challenging due to external stresses again, but like a trouper he forged on!  LOL ...Much to my bum's dismay ( dear Lord don't let me get strip searched at the airport for so MANY reasons now).  My heart was with my husband but my head was full.  My head was trying to build walls that my heart did not want. 
The other day while talking I made the HUGE revelation, that we all eventually make as Dd wives.  I have declared it before, but own it now.  It is in me and can only come from me- SUBMISSION
  To me, submission is a heartset not a verb. 
 Many people write definitions from dictionaries to explain what it is or isn't to them.  To Barney and I submission is how I perceive my heart.  I give to him my everything.  No barriers.  No protective coating.  It is raw and I am vulnerable, but that is where the trust comes in.  Will you find my 'funky' definition of submission in any dictionary?  Nope...(but look for the Wille Dictionary, minus the words journey, and the acronym HOH as a noun coming soon.  LOL).   
 I explained to Barney that his physical contributions to Dd help me maintain where I am at, even if it isn't where I desire to be, ( meaning I am not fully in my heartset) but it can't drag me into my heartset.
Which leads to
  Only I have the key to open that.  Can we search for the key together?  Yes- we have to.  Otherwise I tend to get a tad resentful that I am going it alone.  He helps with maintaining his dominance and 'laying out my safety nets' as he likes to say, and he doesn't allow me to go off track and stop looking for my key. 
 He keeps me focused through spankings yes, but also through initiating conversations.
  This initiating conversations did not happen over night oh man...ask anyone who knows us.  OY !  But it did happen.  And because of it, he manages to 'push the coffee mug back from the edge'  often with little effort.
I am not saying that next week we aren't going to have coffee all over the Dd kitchen again, but what I am saying is that I know together we will wipe it up.  Some days it may be a stand off as to who reaches for the rag first.  Some days there will no doubt be finger pointing either overtly or internally, until the mess is cleaned up.  The good news is,  we no longer worry about the irreplaceable mug being shattered.
So I'm not refusing to share when I am struggling, *cough* Sara/Irishey * cough*.  I just don't panic as much when we are struggling enough to write about it in the moment like I used to months ago....
GREAT now I am  fairly certain I  have just jinxed myself...!