I would like you to
Let me explain a bit. Before our Christmas break, I came up with an idea. Once again I thought it was brilliant. Once again I was in the minority!
B- "What's the matter? What are you up too? "
W-" What do you mean? I'm not UP to anything"
B- " You have that look. And you look kind of upset too. Neither looks are generally good for me."
W- " Well I was thinking"
BIG EXHALE OF AIR from Barney's direction
B- " No. no PLEASE do"
W " sigh, well I was thinking that we should put Dd on pause until the New Year"
~ side note, I was telling a girlfriend, who graciously had me on speaker phone about my idea...( all in tongue and cheek by this point) and her husband said the EXACT same thing as Barney! I may have heard a palm to the forehead in the background, and I know I heard him chuckle, but " THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA" was a definite ! She was kind enough to see MY point..LOL!
Anyway he gave me some ideas of how things were going to look during the holidays and we were off. Only we weren't, but that was okay. Really it was. On Christmas Eve Day, Barney told me ,
" Today you can boss me around all day. We have lots to do and I know you have in mind what you need to have done when. Let me know"
SWEET! I mean he isn't a tyrant. He is very patient with me so it wasn't a Get out of Jail card free or anything, but it was still nice to hear. Sadly, LIFE had a different plan in store. I became ill. He became BOSSY.
" Sit down." " Put that down" " You need to go lie down" " You are not going to Mass tonight" " I was going to take the kids to Mass tonight, but then you would be left here. Probably doing stuff. So I am not going to"
I managed more energy later in the evening and the majority of Christmas Day. Here is where the new me
(well not exactly)
I ended up, because it was the right thing to do, inviting a family that says the oddest things and it cuts the conversation to a dead stop,
Did ANY of these things send me into hysterics ? or turn me into a B&TCH? Nope. Not a one. Was I sitting on my own roasted rump? Nope it had been over a week since my last spanking.
I realized something. No I hadn't put Dd on pause in my mind. I was content with myself. I even let my sister in law help clean up the kitchen. I never do that. I always do it on my own after everyone is gone.
I didn't have a meltdown/stress fit over the holidays, ( okay I was back to being sick again the day after) because I didn't have any stress. I had done all these things a hundred times before, and told myself 'who cares if it doesn't get done?' or " it always works out' but in truth, I always had anxiety about it. I wanted everything to be perfect for everyone. You know what? It still was. Everyone had fun and enjoyed their meal. I didn't mention how imperfect everything appeared to me. I just enjoyed
Fifteen months ago I wrote a (much shorter) post about what I needed Dd for, or so I thought ( here if you just can't get enough of me). So many things on my wish list have come true. Also 15 months ago a now friend had written a letter to Barney and I. Me being me I saved it, although I can remember most of what was in it anyway. I am happy I did. One of the things he said to Barney was, " My wife is actually more confident than she ever has been - she is stronger and she knows it" . Back then I thought, WOW that would be such an added bonus.
This past 15 months has been a very difficult road. There have been demons I had to face personally. There have been people I had to deal with. All along, even when it looked like there was no hope in sight Barney was there. You know, I realized, I don't need an army in my corner. I only need one person. BUT I need to really believe not just KNOW that one person is in my corner. Bit by bit, little by little, Wilma came out to play longer and longer. Would those around me notice? Probably not. I have always had the ability to make myself fit the situation if you will. But *I* now know.
For such a long time I didn't feel whole, in some way
Did this happen?
I am not going to be making any big presentations in front of crowds any time soon
But if it makes any sense, I am still more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been in my entire life.
Dd had brought that to me. I am at peace with who I am, faults and all. Don't misunderstand I will never stop trying to improve on myself. I just have a comfort inside of me. Like I can just be, and it is okay.
( I realize the above is most likely intended for D/s not Dd...but it is so true in our case.)
You might recall that at the beginning of December, ( no that is not when you started to read this post) I did a post on Masks etc. I was still processing from our trip away with 2 other Dd couples
I realized after that time, I had more than Barney in my corner. More, than that- I had people who knew ME... and all the deep dark secrets, ( ironically I am not even talking about spanking) in my corner. For myself when I started to open up, and be accepted I started to open up more. It was like oxygen, second nature.
Some may argue that in time without Dd you get to a point and you become this person anyway. Perhaps this is true. I do know for me, for years I walked the walk and didn't talk the talk. More like THIS kind of attitude
Only those very close to me, okay Barney and our friend Dan, saw me for the guarded person I really was, but also for the person behind the force field. In time would I have been 'set' free? Maybe I would have, but to what degree I am not sure. Dd and all its ups and downs has given me a drive and a passion I never thought I possessed. For whatever reason, call it timing if you like, I can FEEL an inner strength and warmth in me I have always longed for. It brought these feelings to the surface. I don't mean to imply I morphed into a different person.
Sure not everyone is going to like what they see, but over my shoulder, there is always at least ONE person in my corner. The most important one. . I suppose I could say, Dd is the gift that keeps on giving. For us it was the perfect fit ( okay it took a while to get the right size I'll give you that!).