Sunday, February 16, 2014

Where Are the Rainbows and Unicorns I was Promised???

I'm pissed.  Yup not even caring enough to be lady like about it.  Not this kind of pissed either, although I may be working on that soon enough

Thought I'd share so you know it isn't all a case of  this all the time around here:




As some of you may know, from Lillie's post on my blog I was just away for almost a week with the bossy, but caring, very, very naughty, who try to blame EVERYTHING on me girls.  It was quite the ordeal to get there.  I won't go into much boring detail for you but it included not one but 2 cancelled flights and a delay due to a snow storm.  Needless to say my faith in the airline ( not because of the weather) was weak at best.  My nerves were shot.  I was flying to the US by myself, to an airport I had never been to.  Because I was flying out of a smaller airport than usual, I had to clear US customs IN the United States ( Canada has an agreement with the US to clear their citizens on Canadian soil first to expediate the process....IF you are flying from a major airport) something I had also never done before.  BUT most importantly I just really, really wanted to get there!  I was frantic and spewing silly things about driving by myself ( it would have taken me about 8 hours) after the second day of cancelled flights.  Barney told me I would be doing no such thing ( he had offered to drive me the day before).  I told him he " had no choice in the matter"  .  Yup I said that.  (I thought MM was going to fall backwards off of the escalator when I told them that part of the story the next day at the airport).

Anyway, Barney, finally conceded and said he would drive me, but was going to turn around and come right back.  That would be a grand total of 16 hours for those not paying attention. 

 After about 5 minutes, I conceded and said that was silly and I would wait to see if my flight was actually going to go out.   Well as you know I made it 24 hours later no worse for wear.

Flash forward a sassy week.  Once again MAJOR snow storm, delayed plane, running through the airport, customs AGAIN, and  a held plane for me later, I was descending the escalator down toward my husband-tears in my eyes.  This is note worthy, because I can't recall ever allowing those emotions to show when being reunited.  All I wanted to do was go home and have a warm ( I'd prefer hot but he can't take the heat- guess we'll never switch) bath with my husband and then make love.  Ya.  None of that happened.  I went about my evening unpacking, happy to be home while he did 'the homework thing' with our youngest.  After crawling into bed, he kissed the top of my head, and asked me if I was tired.  I said yes and that was it. 


 I was telling him all the little 'gifts' I left behind for MM ( side note Susie came up with quite a few ideas on her own here...*ahem*).  Barney said, " MM is going to subcontract me out.....and I am not EVEN going to charge him"


 r/a was then scheduled...pffft.  

Then next day-another snow storm ( Okay just a break here, I know I am Canadian, but c'mon!!! ) and we needed to do groceries.  So off we went.  R/A was later than usual, but we still had a couple of hours before he had to head to work.  As usual we had our talk before.  He assumed that we wouldn't have much to talk about....WRONG..LOL.  We talked about going away and how I was spinning out of control before hand.  Basically after much discussion he said his first instinct was to take me upstairs and spank me, but he rationalized that I was upset and knew eventually I would come to my senses.  This conversation turned to how he supresses his 'natural' instincts and talks himself out of spanking quite often.  This was quite an epiphany for him ( it was a LONG conversation).  He hadn't let himself realize that he was supressing his feelings.  Great right?  WRONG! 

Later during r/a, which was actually going very well, I had silently started to cry, although I didn't let him know for fear he would stop.  He was using our bathbrush and I was draped over our wedge pillow (that was bought for sex and has been used many times, but only ONCE for sex, but I digress).  Just as the dam was about to break, he switched to the cane.  I should interject here, he used the cane quite a bit for r/a prior to my trip because it doesn't do as much damage normally as a marathon spanking with various wood products.  However the last time it left me terribly bruised all along my right side, from where the tip hits.  We talked about not using it as much.  So I was mortified for 2 reasons when he switched to it.   I raised my feet


He used his other hand to try to push my legs down.  Then his forearm....what can I say I have super strength during a spanking.  " Wilma, put your legs down ".

" Okay, but I am here to tell you I will be PISSED if you bruise me with that bloody thing"  (The bruises on my outer thigh, while didn't hurt, had lasted over a week.  He had commented at the start of this spanking that " all the white wine has done wonders for your bum's complexion"  Uh huh, more like no stupid cane.)

He continued to spank, but I never did find my soft spot again- Well he did have to stop due to time constraints.

" That will have to be all for now.  (Child number three) will be home soon" ( like 20 minutes later)

" Wilma please get up....Wilma? "

" Just leave me alone"
" Excuse me? "  and he went off about something
" Look you left me in a bad spot.  Don't you dare get mad at me!  It is NOT my fault.  Please just leave me alone!"

He then FLEW off the handle ( in my opinion) repeating for me to get up, in not a nice manner, and after I finally did, he told me we WOULD be finishing this when he got home later that night.

While I still believed I had done nothing wrong, I was willing to 'take it' because of our earlier conversation.  He didn't wake me up that night.

The next day, when I was driving with him to work he said we would talk later....we never did

The NEXT morning he tried to talk to me for a few minutes.  He still seemed angry.  I told him that he was confusing me and that if he would have just left me alone after the spanking, even if I was in an angry spot I would have come around.  Instead he poked and poked at me.  I could feel the anger rising in me again.  He became angry again too ( he does that when he is frustrated or if I am hurting).  He said he didn't want to leave for work with me in such a vulnerable position.  He just wanted me to get up.  I can understand that but he wasn't very nice about it.  He said he was angry that I was disobeying him.  I explained AGAIN about being left in an angry spot....NOT that we haven't talked about that countless times before.

So here is where we stay.  Both of us angry.  He is trying to be a 'good housewife' but I am not letting go of my anger.  I know my anger is merely covering up my hurt feelings.  I was on the brink of letting go and then I was yanked back to reality, and if that wasn't enough, he used something we talked about not using as much, EXTENSIVELY...and yes the bruises have returned but in a lighter form, and to make matters worse, my normally understanding, gentle husband, switched to anger to deal with me after.  I may have been angry, after my spanking because that was the stage I was left in, but I wasn't prepared for confrontation.   We have talked about how I need softness to be brought back.

It honestly felt like I was injured and I was expecting a understanding hand up, but instead that hand poured salt on my wound. My safe place  turned hard and cold.  It feels like the ultimate betrayal.  I know.  I know


 But honestly I feel like today when we talked he just wanted to be right.  My attempt at words were falling on deaf ears.  That was my perception.  I'm not pretending it was accurate. I am holding on to my anger to shield myself from the hurt I am currently trying to supress. 



Barney said I have sent out mixed feelings.  That I told him not to supress his feelings, but when he didn't I became upset.  It is a case of timing I suppose.  I was in an extremely vulnerable spot even if he couldn't see it





 
We will get over this latest stumbling block, that I have no doubt about.  I suppose I am just upset that we are here.  I wish I could let go of my anger/hurt.  It has been a very, very long time since I have felt this way.  If it seems to you like I don't have a valid enough reason to feel this way, it is most likely because I have edited a great deal out.  Besides, I am not looking for people to take sides in this.  It is something we need to either figure out or let time dissipate the pain.  The problem is compounded by the fact that Barney is currently in a long stretch of work, and the kids have time off at the moment.

If I am to be honest, I actually sense we are on the brink of a break through. 



 That alone is also scary.  Oh well like anything else in life, 'what will be will be'...







48 comments:

  1. Hi Willie~
    Sorry that you hurting right now :( But you are right, I think about a possible breakthrough. Why oh why can't growth be painless? I know the two of you will each come out of this stronger both individually and as a couple. However, I'm sure that doesn't make it hurt any less. It seems that betrayal, whether real or perceived, especially in DD, is just the worst. Big hugs coming your way, and prayers that this "growth spurt" doesn't last too long!

    Love,

    River

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    1. Hello again River!

      Well still waiting on the 'breakthrough' but at least we worked the other garbage out. Unfortunately now Barney is sick, so I am desperately trying to keep my control monster at bay.

      Love willie

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  2. Sweetie, I'm sorry. You can be pissed and tell your blogland sisters about it and no one will think the worse of you or Barney. How much is this the reentry into responsible motherhood and marriage after a week of being carefree?

    I'm thinking you guys are about to have a break through as well. Sometimes getting raw and ugly is just what is needed. Good luck getting through this.

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    1. Thanks Leah!
      Thankfully the pissed off thing finally worked itself out, I suppose I should really get around to writing a post about it. Maybe tomorrow.

      I actually am not entirely sure how much of the pissed off thing came from the re-entry. More ....well I'll have to write a post I suppose! LOL

      Like I said to River, no major break throughs yet, but this is going to be a somewhat slower one I believe, but a crucial one nevertheless.

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  3. Willie...I so get where you are coming from right now. We both know staying angry will only serve to fuel the fire, and probably cause you to withdraw in and add perceptions that may or may not be correct.Remember two wrongs won't make things right. Take a deep breath, time to reflect, then ask for some time to talk things over with Barney. This is just a temporary set back and can be frustrating. You are one insightful lady and will work through this set back as well. I am sorry your hurting. Be kind to yourself first, listen with your heart and remember to let Barney lead as he sees fit. The sun will shine again soon.

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    1. Hi Catherine

      Well at the time we just needed ( or actually I suppose Barney) needed time to figure things out. My anger was fueling his you are right, but not because I was angry per se but because he knew I was hurting. As is typical for many men, we know, the prevailing emotion that rears its head when their wives are suffering is anger, because they can't figure out how to fix it.

      This issue wasn't really fixed by letting Barney lead, it was fixed through honest communication which lead to a newer yet older direction. So complicated at times. I hope to find the words to talk about it soon.

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  4. Wow, welcome home, huh? I am sorry you are both angry and hurt. I think you are right that it will pass, hanging on to it takes too much energy and you two care too much about each other to let it last for too long.

    Hmmm, I think Barney not suppressing his feelings may be a good thing in an odd sort of way. Him being upset and letting you know in whatever way he feels best may actually be better for both of you once you both learn how to let that happen without it being a stumbling block or cause wounding. It seems more honest somehow and that honesty may take some getting used to for both of you. It seems that every time you two hit a stumbling block you find a way to get over, around or through it.

    Sending you hugs and chisels and hammers!

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    1. Thanks for the chisels Cygnet.

      Yes, Barney not suppressing is a good thing....no he just has to sift through those emotions so the REAL emotion comes out. We have already established that anger generally pops out first, but is rarely the true emotion. That is what had us in a anger rut for a bit- trying to decipher how we truly felt. NOT an easy task as anger love to dominate as a coping mechanism

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  5. Getting angry, or at least putting on an angry scowl and tone of voice is H's way of dealing with things. He gets frustrated I think when he is trying to deal with me in the way that, let's face it, I have asked for, the way that originally went so completely against everything he had been taught and then I refuse to submit. I hate his anger. It's not real anger, it's a front put on to try and get me to bend over, keep my hands forward (or stand up!) it's a gruff voice that he may mean to be commanding, but it comes out angry. It happens more when we have limited time and he hasn't got space to wait for me to get my head around things.
    I know it's not real anger because I have seen him change completely seconds later, unless I get annoyed and hurt by his tone and shut myself off from him. Them he will often walk away and then I feel like he has given up on me and I'm not worth the time or effort.
    This comment was not all supposed to be about me, but I wondered whether there were any similarities?
    I understand how you feel, but I am woman, DD wife, it's easier for me.
    X

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    1. Hey Janey, my comments on your posts are almost ALWAYS about me...LOL

      Barney and I talked.....eventually. His anger, he said was not directed at me. He was frustrated that he had to leave me to go to work when I was in a bad spot. He was 'yelling' ( although not really) at me to get up because he couldn't 'stand' to see me in that vulnerable position. He also said, when he said, " we will finish this tonight" he meant talk it out.

      He is new to this not supressing his emotions thing, so it is difficult for him to react in a way that I understand- because he doesn't quite understand it yet himself. I guess it was a shock to both of us!

      Barney agreed with your last statement whole-heartedly.

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  6. Hi Willie, Oh dear much sympathy to both of you. I don't suppose he can help it any more than you can. I don't think he was right to leave you angry though, but maybe after having a week away it is hard to get back to normal. I hope you feel a bit brighter soon, when that rainbow breaks through all will be well. :)
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Well you are certainly right about that Jan- neither one of us could help it. What an awful feeling that is.

      He didn't really have a choice in the matter, leaving me in an angry spot. He took a chance that we would have enough time, and it turns out we didn't.
      Things are better now Jan.
      thx.
      willie

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  7. Aw darn Willie. I wish you'd had a better ending to your R/A since it seemed to start off pretty good. *sigh* these things do happen and we just cannot help how we feel sometimes. I tell SM that from time to time like "Don't tell me how to feel" or "I feel the way I feel" because he may not get it but I can't help it. My feelings are mine. I know you guys will work this out. I hope if there is a breakthrough it leads to something good.

    love
    sara

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    1. Isn't it frustrating to 'feel the way you feel' even if you don't want to. It is like PMS. No matter HOW badly you don't want to feel that way, sometimes it just happens. I was trying so hard to not spew venom. That was why I was wanting him to leave me alone. He on the other hand didn't want to leave me alone, because he felt bad going to work while I was like that.....oh was a vicious circle!
      love
      willie

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  8. I get ya! We give our husbands this huge thing--we ask them to lead, to be in charge (even in control), we walk them through what that looks like for us over and over again and they start finding themselves. I mean, they really do change--or perhaps the men they are deep down starts to become reality. At least around here all these instincts come to the surface and mine battles all sorts of different feelings that he doesn't know how to tackle. When do they shut us down, take us upstairs and spank the snot out of us...b/c sometimes that is the right choice when we are flailing. When do they give us space to calm down and return to ourselves a bit before pressing conversation (and NOT poking.) When do they suppress some of the urge to protect and put padding around us (hence, be a great housewife) which turns them into these super nice guys that we don't respect anymore? What do they do with the anger that begins to consume them when we are upset/hurt and they can't fix it and they know that they are contributing to the spiral? How long does it take for them to 'read' us during a spanking and know where our heads are at so they don't leave us in a horrible place (lol, I know, ASK me and I'll tell you!)

    I never, ever would have realized how huge this is for them and how it is both intuitive in a primal way but so not intuitive b/c of how counter cultural it is. There are times when MM's growth spurts in DD have been very, very uncomfortable for me.

    I'm sorry that it all sucks right now and that this is what you went home to especially after you spent a lot of time helping friends get their heads around what we needed to do when we reunited with our husbands. I sorely wanted you to go home to a great place.

    I can't help but agree with you as well--you might be really close to something big. Now, my little handful of a friend...keep inching towards him, talk about whatever, whenever and when the door opens, dive in and do what you do so well now. It will go somewhere very good.

    BTW...MM just found another surprise says you are adorable. LOL.

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    1. So what you are really saying here is I should blame you and Lillie. I get it. You are right. Lol. Putting my friends on the right path set me askew. Wasn't it Ian who once said, " Oh so Susie and Willie are in a bad place, so we should be good. I mean all three of you can't be in a bad place at once." Pffft silly man! And I am being silly too. I don't blame you, but I sure would LIKE to! LOL

      BTW...Barney just loooooooooooooooooooooooooved the housewife comment....NOT. and for once MM is correct. I *AM* adorable. I am curious to hear what surprise he found.

      Okay...just answering the silly as a way to blow off steam..please people carry on. LOL

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  9. It can be so hard when a spanking leaves you in a worse spot than when you started with. Sometimes a week apart can be hard, and leave you a bit disconnected. Whatever the causes, I hope you guys are able to find that breakthrough soon, and use it to keep making your marriage stronger. Are one of you able to go and apologize to the other first? That is a rule our pastor suggested the Duke and I have in our marriage, that we each think that it is our place to apologize, so that in every argument, or hurt time, if one isn't able to break down and do so, the other one will. It has been a wonderful gift to us. Not sure that would help start things here, but wanted to offer it in case it would. Either way, I'm hoping you guys come out of this golden, and soon.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. You know, I have thought about what your pastor said the first time I read that, maybe on your blog. I am still trying to wrap my head around it, because often there isn't anyone 'at fault' and apologizing takes someone to take the blame. We generally both see how the situation happened and sure saying I am sorry for my tone is always helpful, but to say I am sorry for my tone, when the elephant is still in the room, well it can seem a tad trite. I understand the idea behind it, to get individuals to start some form of communication, and in certain situations to force individuals to examine how they may have contributed to the issue at hand.
      Sometimes things take time to work themselves out. Emotions need to dissipate, before reconstruction can build and that can't be forced. This was one of those times. The anger swirled around because the hurt was unwilling to push its way to the surface. I didn't feel Barney owed me an apology after time elapsed and he certainly didn't feel I owed him one, at any point. Sometimes stuff just happens.
      Happy it has been a great gift for you. I know that if I have genuine remorse, being able to apologize is a huge help.

      As for being disconnected, actually I didn't feel that way at all. That is the wonderful thing about spending time with our Dd friends, the connections remain, or get stronger as it is almost like a retreat/ cheerleading week for Dd!
      willie

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  10. Oh crap, I'm sorry. Honestly, you can laugh at me, but it's mercury retrograde and everyone I know, including myself, seems to be in this situation with their spouse...
    hugs!!!

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    1. Oh boo! Well I hope because I took so long to answer my comments that you are in a better place with your hubby Renee!

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  11. Great comments above and I agree with the prevailing sentiment - being angry with each other is misery incarnate.
    Having said that, I agree with Susie - I can hear the building crescendo all the way across Canada, and you know how deaf I am.
    It seems like new ground is being broken here from the beginning - the emotions you felt when meeting him at the airport, his uncharacteristically direct and curt anger toward you post r/a.
    What does it all mean?
    Damned if I know, but if I have to guess, I would say that Barney is beginning to feel comfortable in his HoHie skin. This thing you guys do is going to be directed by him, and ultimately, that is what every Dd woman claims we want. Why do we fight so hard when it begins to happen to us?
    At our house accepting Dd on Ian's terms has been a continuing struggle. Over two full years and I still wish he would follow the damn script, but then it wouldn't really be him.
    Right from the beginning of your journey it has really felt like Barney not subject to a lot of influence. He has done things his own way, in his own time. I think this is not different....and I know it is hard, but going to him and asking for his leadership and wisdom may be the place to start.
    I once took a big nasty wooden spoon and gave it to my husband, sort of a kinky olive branch if you will, and he was very touched. We were angry with each other, and although an epic spanking followed there was a sense of everything being alright in the universe when it was over.
    Good luck, Sweetheart
    Hope everything resolves itself SOON!
    love and hugs
    lillie


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    1. oops...."it has felt like Barney was not subject to a lot of influence..."






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    2. Hmm. Feels odd writing a comment out to you because you now already know what happened.

      Suffice to say it didn't have to do with control but a misunderstanding. As I mentioned above ( I think) Barney often shows his emotions in the form of anger ( okay wait, not often but if it is going to happen this is what happens) when he is frustrated that I am hurting. So his demanding of me to get up, and his barking at me that we would continue later, was merely a result of this. He didn't want me 'broken' or in a bad place when he left for work. Visually me laying there was painful for him to look at.

      Of course he hadn't realized WHY he was feeling the way he was on the onset. This upset him further, and around and around we went. Me being hurt and acting angry. He frustrated and feeling guilty and acting no longer angry but cold and distant. All and all good times. Good times here!

      He eventually opened the dialogue. Well he did attempt more than once. The last time I did put my head on his chest for a moment. I certainly didn't want to, and yet I did.

      I remember the picture of the spoon from that post of yours....but I suppose that doesn't surprise you one bit!
      love
      willie...

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  12. I'm sorry Wilma. I so wish you didn't have to go through this. Of course, I have no doubt that you and Barney will work through this. I also tend to believe that a breakthrough will be the end result. I know how hard it can be to let go of anger. It's much easier to feel than the hurt and sense of vulnerability that's just underneath that. Anger can be your armor against having to feel all that. If you're like me though, that same anger is then turned inward and ultimately does much more damage than those things we're trying to protect ourselves from.

    Now I'm really curious what kind of surprises you left for MM to find! I'm glad you had a safe trip, if a stressful one. The actual traveling part anyway! I guess it's only fair that next time Susie comes to you, right?!

    Love, Queenie

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    1. Hi Queenie

      Well no one likes to visit Angerville, but the good news it is rarely happens to this degree anymore! So that is a positive. It took a couple of days for that anger cloud to lift and for me to be willing to see and feel the real emotions under it. The same with Barney. But we got there.

      As for Susie and MM -she wrote about my 'gifts' not that they were any great thing in her post. Susie has already come to 'me' twice now. Well one time we met part way. So I suppose we are even. Off to harass Lillie and the Cowboy next! lol.

      love willie

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  13. What is it about traveling that just messes us women up. We have our biggest fights before traveling and often are still upset after traveling. You know...I don't know for sure, but y'alls mood etc. might have to do with the fact that you are buried under snow. That would put me in a mood!
    Hope your breakthrough isn't too painful:)
    Bea

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    1. Oh would you stop! You know we are used to this white crap up here! Flying in it however, not much fun....

      The 'breakthrough' well I should have referred to it as something less dramatic I suppose. LOL. I see it, potentially on the horizon, but how long until we reach it remains to be seen. Also how many obstacles pop up out of no where, will also be interesting.

      Ttwd...never a dull moment!
      willie

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  14. MM here...

    First, thank you for all those little "gifts", I'm sure that over the next year or so I'll eventually discover them all.

    Most important, thought, is that Barney finds you incredibly adorable, and he is completely smitten with you regardless of whatever short term things might get in the way. Us DD guys (AKA HoHes) are somewhat more relationship-challenged than our wives, but it does all eventually come together.

    He's a good guy.

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    1. Every time I see " MM here..." I think of Kermit the Frog, roving reporter.

      Anyway... I *am* incredibly adorable...you said so yourself. AND seeing how word on the street is that you are so smart, I believed you back then! HOHes? Oh did SHE put you up to that? Because SOMEBODY is getting a shin kicking. Makes no difference to me who it is!
      Yes he is a good guy. A good guy who can be admittedly relationship challenged in the fact that he forgets to communicate at times. But we muddled through once again.

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  15. First let me just say you have the best pics to illustrate this post. So fun.

    Second travel delays are stressful and that stress can pop up in sometimes unexpected ways. Your reaction at the airport is an example.

    I'm sorry that your homecoming was rough but you two are going to get through this as you always do and it does seem that a new breakthrough is on the horizon. It stinks that getting there can be so crazy though.

    Glad you ladies had a wonderful time together. Nice.

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    1. OH howdie was the travelling stressful. Always worrying on ALL four flights if it was going to take off! What a nightmare.

      We shall see about the breakthrough- but stinks we are used to around here. Just has been a while since the smell is so strong! LOL.
      Thanks for the compliment, and yes we had a most wonderful time together!

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  16. Hi Willie, I am so glad that you 3 gals were able to spend some time together an I'm not surprised you were spinning a bit over the travel! Gosh, that must have be so stressful. I so hope the weather Gods cut you some slack soon!

    I am so sorry you are both hurting right now. Yes, being angry can sometimes feel better than feeling the hurt. Or so it seems at the time.

    You are upset that you have hit this stumbling block, but the good thing is, you know it is just that .. a stumbling block and that you and Barney will overcome this. I hope the resolution comes soon for you.

    Some wonderful comments above. It does sound as though you are on the brink of a breakthrough!

    Love and Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Meh, weather! and feeling angry.

      Anger, in truth doesn't feel better at the time either. I have no clue why many of us default to it. It is an energy sucker and makes us feel horrible. Deep down inside we know we need to let it go, and yet some days that seems impossible. Oh well.
      Yes I knew it was just a stumbling block, but that frustrated me also. A stumbling block that shouldn't actually be there because it all seemed so unnecessary and irrational. But, there was no stuffing it down, and moving on. We HAD to figure a way out of it . And figure we did.

      Love willie

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  17. Hi Willie,
    It sounds like everyone gave you great advice. I know the anger is protection from the hurt and there's nothing wrong with that, but don't hold onto it for too long.

    A wise friend just gave me some great advice the other day and thought I would share with you. She said " just hold his hand". And you know what? It helps, it softens us and it works! ;)
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. pfft...did you tell your wise friend to stuff it? LOL. Yes one of the biggest challenges I have is to go physically to my husband. I am more of a recoiler. Oh I want him to take my hand when I am upset, but that motion for me can sometimes be so difficult. I did eventually, but he talked to me first before I managed to this time.
      hugs to you!
      willie

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  18. Letting go of my anger, and realizing that I hid behind my anger is such a sensitive subject in my house right now, I totally understand that struggle, and I hope one day I get a grip on it! I don't don't know why I always default to anger, I have such a hard time saying "I'm hurt" anger seems so much easier for me. I know you both will talk soon, and I know your heart will soften enough, that you'll be able to let go of that anger. Rainbows and unicorns are on the way!

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    1. Well Jennelle a million moons ago I wrote a post, Back to Factory Settings or something like that, and I talked about always reverting to anger instead of allowing my hurt to be seen or felt. I did start to get a handle on it- so fear not, it isn't impossible, but that is what made me so disappointed this time. You know when you 'think' you have licked something, but it shows up months later....grrr and well disappointing.
      We found our way back to each other , eventually. Once we started it wasn't too difficult to move the the middle.

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  19. I don't know if any of this will resonate for you. If not, I apologize in advance and I know your in good hands with Barney and your DD sisters.

    I have had enormous trouble letting go and letting Luke lead. I take two steps forward and one step back repeatedly. We've recently had some incredible talks about all this and identified reasons this is so hard for me. Luke has also found some gentle and not so gentle ways of reminding me this isn't an option anymore. We're in this together and he will wrestle my control monster every time she appears. I'm starting to truly believe it because it's happening pretty regularly. At first I saw this as not listening to me because I had the answers and he was doing it differently. Umm yep, can I please top from the bottom, lol. I have this great idea in my head would you lease just follow the game plan. Pissed me off too.

    Do you think maybe some of your anger is wanting Barney to do it your way. Is there maybe just a little bit of fear left about letting go and following Barney's lead. For me, as much as I want this, there is and probably always will be just a little bit of doubt and fear left that makes letting go so scary.

    Ah Willie, I know how hard it is to go to him when your angry, disappointed and hurt. But honestly don't you want to be curled up in his arms? I know when I've been in that awful spot and swallowed my pride a bit Luke is always ready hold me and work through it. In the end my pride is usually restored because Luke let's me know he is proud of me for taking that first step and asking for his help.

    Hoping by the time you read this you and Barney have already worked it out!

    Love , Clara

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    1. I am so truly happy for you Clara that things are working out and you are letting Luke seize the control. As for the answer to your question, no. LOL!

      We did already work it out, but it wasn't a control factor. Actually Barney did admit that perhaps he thought me commenting on the cane was a controlling act at first but then realized that it wasn't meant to be, outside of the moment, when we discussed and why I was so upset about it. Often ( as others have told me they have gone through similar situations with their husbands where one day it is okay to be honest, and the next day the same comment is met with friction) the line of what is control and what is not is blurred in their minds. Once again, it usually has to do with external factors.

      My anger initially was a response to the 'stage' I was left in. Barney then felt that anger and was frustrated with himself for 'doing that to me' as he said. His response then came out in a manner he didn't intend it to. Later my anger was based on how he hurt me with his response. He was upset I was not 'right' after our r/a session and was hurting. I was hurt further by his response. There really was not a case of pride in this particular situation. I wasn't holding out until he spoke first, or was mentally demanding an apology. I suppose more a misunderstanding of epic proportions. Sadly though, emotions, whether justified or not are a very difficult thing to let go of.

      Barney did take the lead again once he had figured out in his own mind where he was. He isn't big on confrontation. He didn't want to continue our freeze out, yet he wanted to have answers in his mind before he actively pursued me because he knew I was going to ask questions along the lines of why...This has been an issue between us before, but it has been a long time since we have experienced it. Well long on a ttwd timeline anyway. lol.


      Communication is always key, but sometimes if emotions are at their peak, it isn't always plausible right away. At least in this house. It is painful to have to wait, and leaves both of us in a place neither one desires. Yet, sometimes it has to happen, sadly.

      love willie

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  20. Awww *hugs*...definitely sounds to me like the edge of some sort of breakthough. But change is so painful at times. I'm sorry that you're hurting. I know that you guys will get through this and gain great understanding of one another, but I know it's hard to feel that or even care when your emotions are in this sort of state. Hang in there!
    *hugs*
    Rose

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    1. You are so right Rose. It is very difficult in the moment to see beyond the emotions. I knew in my heart that this would be fixed and that we needed to talk, but I hadn't the foggiest idea what we were going to discuss. We had that 'wonderful' interchange after the r/a session but honestly where did we go from there. I wanted to be in the same room with him, yet I didn't want him there. I have been told that if you have been 'there' you'd understand that ridiculous statement. lol
      hugs
      willie

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  21. First let me say I adore you and am sorry I don't comment like I should and then Lillie writes a post and of course I stop to comment?! What kind of friend does that? I ask you? Sigh. But I love you bunches. That's all that really matters here. The end.

    Ok. So second. Barney is amazing. You know this. You also know this mishap or chink in the armor will resolve it itself because you both love harmony, being on the same page AND spending time together. My word, I don't know many couples that make a date of 'Friday at the grocery store' like you two. I thought only J and I did stuff like that. The 'lets just go sit at McDonald's for three hours and hang out' type thing.

    No. I'm not skirting the issue of what happened OR how it made you feel OR how barney left you in a bad place. I just know you'll find your way back to the grocery store and life will have harmony again. You know the tools. Sometimes we just forgot what drawer we put them in.

    I wish you and B lived closer so we could hang at McDonald's. Now see? Wouldn't that just be a smashing night out for all of us? As long as we get back home before dark..... Oh wait. The men are with us. Never mind.

    Love you girl. Glad things are on the upswing. Wink. -m.

    PS. I'm typing on my phone so if something is askew. Blame auto correct.

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    1. Uh huh. LOL...Doesn't matter if you comment here or not ( although I do love to bug you) as generally we talk a bazillion times a day anyway. I mean,,, BAD friend...very BAD friend! You should be ashamed of yourself kissing Lillie's bum, and ignoring mine!

      I love how you put this post in present tense. You are such a goof, Anyway so tempting to hang out at Mcy D's with you. We are definitely high rollers us 4! lol Maybe someday a drink with an umbrella with sand around us will be in order! I'll bring the umbrellas you lead us to some sort of beach, nothing but snow here!

      Oh upswing....SOOOOOOOOO funny...NOT

      Love you to crazy lady!

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    2. Yeah yeah. Whatevs. I love how we both "get" this life. How the ones who've been at it over a year understand that it is a give and take, that each helps the other in DIFFERENT ways--yet so similar. There's just something GOOD about being able to call up the girls who will know and understand without having to explain or examine. I am grateful to have a darling little handful of friends who make this life so much richer. I will also comment more. I'm sorry. ❤️

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  22. Breakthroughs can be super scary! It takes a lot of emotions, some arguing, stressing out, etc to get to a breakthrough. That being said, once you hit that point, all that other stuff becomes worth it! I think you guys are going to get to such a great place, and I'm excited for you! :)

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    1. Sorry to be so late in answering Kenzie.

      Thanks for your enthusiasm ! I need you on speed dial so I can hear it during those crappy times!

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  23. I am sorry, and I was thinking while reading your post, that I would be pretty pissed about this happening at all, still. I mean, where are the rainbows and unicorns? How is it possible that a person you have been with for so long, can totally misunderstand you like that? (Those are usually my feelings when I am wondering where the rainbow and the unicorn went...)

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    1. Hi Julia

      Well 'how can a person I have been with so long totally misunderstand me like that?' could also be what Barney was thinking. You see his 'yelling' at me to get up after the spanking did seem so out of character, I should have known something was amiss. As it turns out we were both in our own worlds that day. Me in my anger, and he upset. He said he didn't want to leave me in such a vulnerable position and go to work. Only his actions and words showcased his frustration, not his concern.
      Oh well...we should always go with our instincts I suppose. Both of us didn't in this case, and it led to a bit of a disaster.

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