Monday, April 21, 2014

The Times They are a Changin'- and Good bye Fitness!

Well I suppose it happens to all of us eventually.  After blogging since BEFORE our adventure into Dd, my need to share seems to be coming to a close.  I know what will happen now, I have just jinxed myself and all hell is going to break lose!  For that very reason I am not going to say that I will never post again- as I will now most likely have to do it next week!  lol.  What I am saying, is like many before me, I am seriously contemplating if there is a need for future posts and where this blog will be heading- if anywhere.

Spring is trying desperately to arrive here, and with that brings my busy season with my volunteering.  I have noticed that my pain is finally subsiding.  (Before you think I have had some sort of miracle between posts,  I didn't share my pain/problems until after being in physiotherapy for quite some time.) Anyway, my volunteer 'work' is primarily physical so this could take up a great deal more of my time than usual, as I think I may have to wait for my husband to help more than I'd like.

I also wanted to thank everyone for all your comments, emails, IM's and phone calls surrounding my last post. I was truly touched, especially those of you who shared your personal struggles with pain and how you cope or overcame those struggles.

 I fear this time I am going to commit a personal crime and only answer in bulk to my comments here.  I'm sorry.  Those of you who know me know I never to this- not answering comments on a post  is a personal pet peeve of mine.....there it is out there.  I have confessed. It drives me batty that people spend time to read and comment and support others and then their comments go unanswered  ( without explanation of course- there are so many times when life gets in the way and people really just can't do it- I understand that).  I am mentioning this just because I want you to know how truly sorry I am that I am not answering individually.  I hope just this once you'll understand.

Like I said, my pain is lessening.  I now can actually count the times in a day where I feel it as opposed to count the times when I don't.  I like these stats much better!  I am hoping that this trend will continue.  Barney is doing his part by threatening me- the man loves to threaten!  I do believe his last one was, " Don't do too much today, because if your arm becomes sore, there is another part of you that will end up more sore"  Isn't he cute?

In an effort to get my submissive heartset back on track, he announced that we would be starting dailies-  and sadly he was not referring to contact lenses.  Since that proclamation, I have been ill so it never came  to fruition.  Such a shame *wink*.   See nothing to write about here people!

Oh he did say to me during r/a last week:

" When I said you need to eat breakfast, I meant something nutritious.  More than a granola bar.  If I left it up to you and only said you need to have protein, you'd be down to eating a peanut.  I know you" ( snicker)

Honestly we are seemingly in a spot, where 'crap' still happens- but we just process it.  There are occasionally screw ups on both our sides.  We still have hurt feelings that can cause distancing on both of our parts.  We are far from perfect, either one of us.   Together we are trying to deepen our Dd relationship to a level where we both feel it should be for us.  Some days it is perfect for me right where it is! LOL. The tables, as often can happen, seemed to have turned somewhat where Barney is more the one concerning himself with this, and I am dragging my feet.  Not because I don't want it- just because when obstacle courses are set up I generally don't feel the need to run to the finish line and start to get us back on track again.  Yup I have become the coaster!  Who would have thought?

I suppose if he didn't spearhead the 'rebuilds' then I would try----------------eventually, but there isn't much of a need for me to do that anymore.  Think of it like sex, right?  You go with out it for a while, and sometimes the need lessens.  Sometimes it is greater- especially when it is impossible to have, but often we adjust and move on.  Suddenly the other party decides now is the time, and perhaps you are thinking, 'yeah, I have sleep on the brain'  too bad!  And then it is back in your heart/mind again.  That is basically what happens only with spankings!

So as you can see....not sure what I can possibly write about that will be interesting for anyone to read.  I certainly don't have any all the answers so I don't ever want my blog to become a teaching tool outside of gaining something from our mistakes.

 Time doesn't dictate ( especially with my  physical limitations on the computer) where I can read and comment as well as blog.  I really do enjoy reading about others adventures, so I won't be stopping that, ( so yes you'll still here me blabber on about us in your comments).  I am just uncertain as I mentioned what will be happening 'here' onto 40 Days of Fitness!!!

After well over 1200 minutes or 20 hours of exercise, 2560 oz of water, and NO wine -

I am......

And by the way still not an exercise addict.)

I am happy to report that Down Under Don



 both have completed their 40 Days of Fitness with MUCH, MUCH more success than not!  Thank you for all those who have supported us, and those who took up the challenge either on your blog or  by IMing me with your progress.  It was nice to see that I wasn't going it alone!

Love Willie

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Pain + Retreat= Access Denied

Pain.  I have read quite a bit about it in the couple of years in this community.  Not the pain that comes from a spanking. No, not even emotional pain.  Generally I have read about how pain affects our HOH'S  husband's ability to carry through when they are in pain.  Or their reluctance if we are in pain.  I have had to endure the latter problem before, mostly due to blistered skin.  Meh, what can I say, once it happens once, it appears you become more prone to it, despite the precautions you take.

The kind of pain I am about to talk about is physical pain, not caused from spankings and how it is putting a damper on our dynamic at the moment.  Before I begin I want to state that by no means is this pain something to be concerned for me over.  There are far more people living much more painful lives than I .  If taken care of this pain should eventually go away.  It is temporarily chronic if you will.  Let me state for the record, if it doesn't go away, and this is all life has to throw at me, I'd still consider myself a very lucky woman.

 But I am tired.  Tired of having to watch what I do because 2 minutes later I will be in pain.  I am tired of going to therapy appointments and having to 'sleep it off ' for the DAY .  That seems to be my 'go to' to deal with pain.   Heck I have almost fallen asleep during a spanking more times than I can count.

  I am tired and I am frustrated.  I am frustrated that every little thing I seem to NEED to get done requires the use of my body that is in pain.

I am frustrated that although my family is more than willing to help out, and my husband makes great declarations of me not doing things, things STILL NEED TO GET DONE.  And they aren't. So I do them- as it is my job to.

 But mostly I am frustrated and tired of not feeling myself.

Slowly over time, the past 4 months or so, this pain has changed me.  It has made me retreat.  I knew I was doing it from here, because I had to.  I am not supposed to be sitting at a computer for more than 30 minutes.  I hadn't realized until this past weekend that I was retreating from my family and my husband.  Which also means my submissive heartset.  I am still managing to continue my submissive actions for the most part ( hush Barney...) but my desire for closeness isn't as great as my desire for closed off.

 Barney and I are fine.  We live .  We laugh.  He has gotten over the Wounded Wife Syndrome that initially plagued him just over a month ago. He is trying to maintain order in this house, even if I am supposedly on restricted duties.  In fact I have probably been spanked more for disrespect in the past 2 months than in the first year and a half of our relationship in Dd.  Relax..that is a grand total of 3 times...LOL.  But that is huge for him.  Actually maybe it was only 2.   Two definitely with our new 30 inch lexan cane.

But I digress.  Pain is a strange thing if you think of it.  How it changes our lives.  Naturally there is the physical component. I never really gave much thought as to how physical pain could cause distance.  Of course if you are in any relationship, and I hesitate to say especially ttwd, emotional pain can cause distance of epic proportions!  But physical pain?  I have been fortunate enough to only have short doses of it-migraines, minor illnesses, blistered bottoms.  All of which seem to rectify themselves before retreat has happened. So this is new to me.

I generally am not a sharer.  I like to deal with things on my own.  Pain is no different.  Barney is aware of this and has been watching me like a hawk.  He has identified my 'tells' and for the most part has bossed me around when he sees them.  I have even learned to say, when he asks, the truth as opposed to, " it is what it is".  I thought this was making leaps and bounds for me in the not going it alone department, until the other night.

Once again the boys were watching something in the family room with whistles on tv.  I was reading 2 floors up.  My little voice said, ' I should go down there.  I can read anywhere'.  My other voice, " screw it, it is much more comfortable up here and I hate whistles'.  Later in bed or maybe the next day, it hit are going backwards Willie.  You have closed yourself off because of your pain, frustration and general tiredness of feeling this way.

  During these times, Barney comes up and checks on me, and while my part of the conversation is always polite is isn't as animated as I normally am.  I think about starting a conversation about something and then think...'meh'.

Our r/a sessions have been 'interesting'.  At first Barney was worried about the pain, not the one HE was causing.  That lead to ineffective r/a sessions.  Now I have learned to try not to tense up my body during a spanking ( something I still have no control over during an orgasm so yeah- not too much fun there), and the pain elsewhere in my body isn't as great now.  I thought that maybe this is why our sessions weren't as effective.  I then thought because we were back to once a week that perhaps that is it?  Then I discovered that I was retreating into me and it all became clearer.

I am the primary communicator in our relationship.  That does not mean Barney doesn't initiate conversations.  Unfortunately initiating a conversation with a wall isn't generally fruitful.  He then becomes frustrated.  I have not been expressing to him what is working and what is not with us and our dynamic, because I have no desire in me.  It is like I have flat lined.  I am going through the motions, but somewhere along the line my retreating because of my pain has put up a wall when I wasn't looking.

 By me not expressing my concerns and desires ( as I can't seem to figure out what they are) he is blind in someways.  I trust him to lead, and he is doing that, but to reach me is another thing all together.

Meh, it is what is is....all in good time and all that stuff.

In Other News, 

40 Days of Fitness Challenge

I did it!  And only one more week left for me!!!! Barney and I even managed to walk over 10 kms together this weekend.  Thank God the weather is warmer.

DownUnder Dom


I had another good week. Better than good, really. I'm up to 4 or 5 days of workouts instead of just 3 and I workout for about 45 minutes instead of 30. Also, I haven't had any problems with wanting to eat junk. I think I've lost my taste for it :) 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The Good Type of Grey (Hells no not the book!)

You know those Memes out there that are, "This is what the world thinks a Mom/Teacher/Airline Stewardess does...and this is what I really do?"   Basically they mock how the world views things, how we view ourselves and of course how things REALLY are! It had me thinking....

 A friend and I were talking about ttwd, and this community because she recently introduced someone to it.  I was trying to figure out a way to explain 'here' to her.  Not an easy task, and probably one I am about to fail miserably at, but what the heck, winter NEVER seems to be leaving, and as I can't garden I thought why not?

Please don't lynch me, but the first thing that came to mind was shades of grey.  NO, no not 50 Shades of Grey the book, although from what I have read, it has brought many people to this community.  I mean the colour pallet of grey and all its variants.  I tried desperately to think of another colour that worked so I would stay clear away from the 50 shades thing, but alas none work as well.

It has been my experience, that many who do not understand find things very black and white.  Sadly not just when discussing ttwd, but everywhere in the world- for our purpose I'll stick to ttwd.  This is why grey seems to work best.  Grey encompasses both ends of the spectrum.  For my analogy this is very important.  You see it has been my observation that this entire section of blog land can certainly be displayed in grey scale if you will:

There are some that lean more toward the white, there are those who are in the very intense dark grey, or almost black.  But more interestingly enough there are days when many of us can jump from dark grey to white in a blink of an eye and back again.

I would suppose a better example/analogy of this would be if you think of a room in your house you have painted a certain colour.  Some days depending on the time of day, natural light, ambient lighting the colour on the walls change.  Just like our ttwd relationships.  Some days life and all of its challenges shines a bright light in the room and our grey scale is very light almost vanilla.  There is no time for focusing on our needs and desires.  Some times after ignoring those needs/desires/ or even guidelines our partner comes in and closes the blinds and the colour of grey deepens significantly.  Or you are going along quiet comfortably in your lovely dove grey room, when a road block hits, BRIGHT WHITE it is...The base colour was always there but its appearance can change depending on the surroundings.  As can the desire for the depth of colour.

Right, so back to explaining our community in grey scale.  I chose the circular pallet because to me it gave more of a sense of oneness ( even with the darn split in the middle...that was NOT intentional).  While we move around in our little grey scale at our own homes, other live their lives in a grey scale too.  We know people who have rules, and who don't; who write; who consider themselves light.  Those who are struggling with the dreaded S word.  Those who's husbands appear to be struggling.  We know those who call themselves Dd and all the shades that come with that.  Those who bring in BDSM. Those who desire a life yet haven't found it yet.  Those submit with no discipline.  Those who spank for fun only.  Those who spank for whatever.  And I am sure I have missed so, so many other shades.  But the one thing is the same, we are all within the spectrum.

Of course grey does tend to make us think of doom and gloom and living ttwd is anything but for me and those I know.

I suppose what I am trying to get at,new friend, is that you may think you are very, very light grey...or white, but you never know what the future will hold for you and your spouse.  It could take months or even years to get to a shade of grey you have envisioned in your mind.  You could end up discovering the colour you wanted isn't suited to your interior.  But it doesn't matter because we have every shade going here, and that is what makes life interesting! If you are willing to try, we are willing to help you accessories.

40 Days of Fitness Challenge 

Well another successful week of exercise and water.  Iffy on the food thing, but I think I squeaked by.  Still using the weighted hula hoop, with the exception of one day where I was p*ssed off at my husband and went out for an extended walk in the rain!  I am now 24 days in, and for the record still NOT addicted to this exercise thing.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing there is an end date, and that I want to be successful each week, and at the end of these 40 days...

DownUnder Don

Only a few sessions on the weight machine, but 4 long walks along the beach and a full day kayak trip in the local National Park wetlands.


 I had another good week!!  Yay!
Look out world Queenie is in the groove!