Convenient Control

 There I have coined the phrase, ( Lick it, stick it, stamp it--it is mine).  This is what I have been experiencing, it would appear, and I have finally pin pointed it.

Let me explain.  I don' t mean that Barney takes control when it serves his needs.  He definitely is not what one could ever call selfish.  Far from it. Let me explain, whenever I offer it up he will then seize the opportunity- most times.  Eeee Gad isn't that what every submissive wife is supposed to do?  Surrender control?  Oh suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure in a perfect world, but then where on earth would the need for Dd come in?  We'd all be skipping along in our flouncy skirts, flowing locks blowing in the breeze stopping only to serve or service our husbands.

 Yeah- so doesn't look anything like that in our house.

  Mostly it is me crashing about, stupid skirt caught in the door, frizzy hair popping out of my pony tail, or it  getting caught in the electric windows of the van.

I try- oh Lord do I try.  I didn't say I was very good or consistent with my efforts.  Horror Moans, pain, stress, anxiety- they all seem to wreak havoc on my ability to stuff stuff down.  You see that is basically what happens here.  When things are good, as I explained in my last post, most of those aforementioned triggers are merely little blips.  They aren't little building blocks in the Great Wall.  I still stuff though, not anger, but my desire to take over.  My need to control every little thing so that 'everything goes right'.  Do I trust my husband ?  Of course I do, although I admit that last sentence certainly doesn't sound like a woman who does.  It is just that my speed and his are different.  I have to rein myself in and wait to see when or if he is going to process the situation.  My priorities are different- mostly because I NEED to have things figured out.  I am not a 'what will happen happens' kind of girl.  Anyway I will stuff down all of these nasty little DNA-given, hardwired, reactions.  I will then go over and hand my husband 'control'.  He will then pick it up and use it how he sees fit.  Great right?  Building up your HoH.  Wind Beneath his Wings- Smoke Up His Ass whatever you want to call it.  Sure it is great FOR HIM.

What does it do to the Convenient Submissive?  Oh you didn't think this was just going to be a slag Barney post did you?  Nah, one a month is good.  Well it puts me pretty much (mentally) steering the ship.  Yup.  I go over hand him control- because that is what I want.

  Him to take it, but is he really taking then?  Or is he merely using something offered to him?  It would appear that it doesn't affect him negatively.  It would also appear that it does me.

Inside are all the reined backed, stuffed down, little control viruses trying to get out.  They aren't exterminated in this process, They are just quarantined.- jarred and shelved.

For convenient control is predictable.  I will go ask, he will answer ( nine times out of ten I will know the answer). Nothing changed but the added step of asking.  Externally, the Convenient Submissive is a lovely gown. No,  a wolf in sheep's clothing really.  When the wolf emerges suddenly after the costume becomes far too tight, often the one in control is taken completely by surprise.  Where did his sweet little lamb go?  Question is, was she ever really there?    Or was she TRYING to be there-?

What about all this poking of the bear stuff.? Is it really about getting a spanking, here? I am not so sure.  I think here it is another set up to say "Show me you are in control.  Tell me you can dominate me".  At least verbally, tell me.... Oh look I am steering.  Or am I asking?  Is he taking control, or just utilizing a training exercise set out by me? Either way it is a controlled action to get a response.  One that is desired, and needed- but one that is in some ways initiated by the one who isn't supposed to BE. IN. CONTROL.

What has me asking all these questions?  A few r/a sessions and a non existent punishment session ( oh I know you ladies looooooooooooove the word session) that didn't go as 'planned' .  No George I don't mean as planned as I had it played out in my head.  I mean as planned in the sense that they were resets.  Barney ended them, before that happened.  After the fact he said, in his defense that he was " THE. ONE. IN.  CONTROL.  here".  A failed session, excused because of the Convenient Control Card.

All I know is that it is exhausting for both of us.  He is frustrated because I don't 'let go' sometimes.  The battle he has to deal with is within me-my perception.  My higher than mighty self says he has to start to TAKE.  DEMAND  CREATE control, not just accept it when it is offered by me now.  That would appear to be the way for the little control viruses to silence inside.  How controlling is that?

On with the After Party!

  I am not going to lie the thought of going private, although a long time coming, came with very little hesitation. What did surprise me was the fact that there were so many of you out there that I hadn't met yet that were reading, but not commenting.  I look forward to getting to know everyone just a little bit better.  I want those of you bloggers who were concerned that my privacy was invaded to once again be reassured.  The only privacy issues I had were ones I foolishly allowed to happen through misjudgment.

Anyway now it feels great!  I feel like I held a huge house party and while it was a great deal of fun, I am  finally sitting down and relaxing in my messy, sticky house, after the majority of people have left.

(hey she's even sitting on a pillow!)

I am surveying the damage but really just enjoying the calm with close friends and  new friends I am finally getting a chance to talk to now that the big party is over.  SOoooooooooooo on to the after party shall we?

***************************

I had one of 'those' moments a couple of weeks ago.  Don't worry it is still affecting my life now, this won't be a 'stale' post.  I had an appointment for a nerve conduction test on my arm.  My dear sweet cousin informed me it was painful- pfft...if only she knew what my body went through on a weekly basis if not more...snicker!  Barney had rearranged his work for me so he could drive me.  It was at one of the larger hospitals in town and I hate, HATE not knowing where I am going- control much?  We managed to get there, parked and in my appointment without a single hitch.  While lying on the bed, the technician said,

" Nervous"

W- " Nope not at all"  ( and I honestly didn't feel nervous in the least)

T- " Well you are shaking"

W- " No I'm not. Am I ?  I don't feel like I am nervous or shakey"

T to Barney " Is she always like this" ( She was literally talking RIGHT over me.  Helloooo?  I am RIGHT HERE)? 

B- " Not always- but pretty much"

T- "Ah"

AH??? Ah what?

That got me thinking, I know you are shocked.  Barney later told me I have certain 'tells' when I am nervous.  Of course he couldn't remember them at that exact moment.pfft.  It is no secret that I don't like any type of appointment.  Mostly because I don't like being late.  I really don't care for the unknown.  I like to have all my ducks in a row.  Lately when I have been going to my doctor's appointments my blood pressure has been through the roof.  However when I take my blood pressure at home it isn't AS bad.  Huh.  so maybe I do suppress my anxieties so well I don't even realize I have them at times.  I decided to start paying a bit closer attention to myself.  My body.

I have tendinitis.  It doesn't sound as bad as it actually can feel at times.  I have been going to physio therapy for a few months, and that may have helped.  Mostly I have not been doing things to hurt it.  As I have mentioned to some of you spankings and orgasms ( sorry for those who get squeamish with tmi but it is important to mention in this case) can be extremely painful, even if I don't clench my fists ( which can be REALLY difficult). I began to notice that in times of stress, ie anything school related with our son, pain.  If I was temporarily lost driving, pain.  If I had a discussion that I didn't like with Barney, pain.   Basically tensing up equals pain.

You see as animated as I can be, I am also extremely stoic.  EXTREMELY.  My Dad would argue that I 'don't have a poker face' but in times of stress and anxiety, I switch over into a different zone.  One I thought to myself was fantastic all this time, until I started to pay attention to my body due to this injury of mine.

Sooooooo very interesting BUT why am I telling you all this?  Because it  triggered a very interesting conversation between Barney and I.  One that while was enlightening at the time is causing me....well arm pain now!  LOL

I always knew I had some forms of anxiety.  Mostly surrounding horror moans.  I also knew I was a great suppressor .  I had no clue I was an Olympic worthy 'athlete' in both of these categories.  While discussing my discoveries with Barney he confessed a few things.  He said ( and please note he is talking in the past tense. Don't start sending him hate mail. He has opened his eyes to his past 'wicked way' of thinking  )

" You know before ttwd I used to not understand things like depression.  I mean if you have a problem fix it right" 

" Are you kidding me with this?  That is so not fair"

" Oh I know!  I mean I know that now.  Although I still don't get it.  But I guess that doesn't matter"

" I can't speak for depression, but I can tell you anxiety makes no sense to me either, but I can't help it"

" I know"

" Put it this way.  You are afraid of heights, and I am of the ocean.  Neither make sense right?  I mean I didn't grow up anywhere near the ocean.  Why be afraid of something I may never see?  And you- "

" Well now I'm not afraid of heights if there are proper safety guidelines in place"

" You mean if you are enclosed?  You said you wouldn't do the glass bottom plane"

*btw could you imagine how many drunks would be landing in your seat on the way to and from the restroom on this plane?*

"I thought about that.  I think I could.  I mean if it is structurally sound I think I could go in one"

" Well that is kind of like what ttwd does for my anxiety.  It is always there in the background, waiting, but if ttwd is structurally sound. I feel safe and the anxiety isn't there as much.  It crosses my mind but doesn't settle in my body- my arm"

"Well that makes sense to me now.  Thank you"

I went on to describe what the day was like for me after my appointment. " Anxiety causes a little fire in me almost.   No not the feisty kind she's got fire in her eyes kind.  The bubbly tension type of fire.  Over time I can let the fire dissipate on my own, provided there is nothing to blow oxygen on the coals to start the fire all over again."

Barney- " Like coming home the other day after your appointment and having the issues with Heir to the Throne's school"

" Yes exactly.  It reignited the fire"

" And it didn't help that I moved our r/a."

"No it didn't.  But I could have been okay, provided nothing else came up"

" Well what are the chances of that in this house? "  chuckling

" You know I have told you before, it is like bungee jumping.

 I can manage on my own for a bit free falling, providing the cord is there to pull me back before I hit the ground.  It isn't fun I'll give you that, but I can rationalize life in my brain to help me muddle through.  However, when you seem to have not hooked up the cord, that starts me to spiral. "

" You do go to a very bad place.  I don't like it. "

" Neither do I, but if my safety nets are in place. If we are structurally sound, I can handle things much better"

So we continued to talk about control- as in me trying to control my emotions not necessarily the house.  You see when I don't feel secure, I close up shop.  I harden up.  I may or may not go through the submissive motions ( well acts of service type stuff but that is technically my 'job' so I have little choice in the matter) but my heart is locked up in protective mode. I can't explain why that makes any sense, any more than I can explain why I am afraid of the ocean.

The week after this discussion was interesting.  I had great hopes, that finally Barney might have understood how all of this helped me.  How all of this was connected.  

 But we crashed....boy did we crash.  And have done so twice since as well.  Barney and I have different views on this.  He feels I don't think he can 'do this'.  I whole heartily disagree.  I am continually reminding him that if I didn't think he could do this, I wouldn't be disappointed when he slipped up.  I honestly don't feel like I expect him to do certain things, but I do anticipate things when he casually mentions them in conversations.  To me the anticipation drop is hard.  The landing is hurtful and I admit I am not pleasant to be around when it happens.  I am sullen because I feel the anxiety building. My 'litmus' test, as Lillie likes to say, is my arm now.  It starts to really, really hurt.  I get to a state where I refuse to be able to talk about it.  I mean I want to, but I just can't.  I need to step away.   The pain in my arm makes me sleepy which further complicates things as I am in no mood to discuss things when I am mentally cloudy.  BOY overly dramatic or what?

Is it fair to burden my husband?  No it isn't.  I know that, and the guilt eats at me at times too.  Here is the thing, ttwd really is about breaking down walls for me.  By doing so,  Barney is able to lead the way he wants and be loved the way he needs.  I am more me and free.  I wished to God I could be like 'others' whoever they are,-freely living without barriers of emotional fear.  I just can't.  I need control to be taken away.  I need it even to have fun.  As silly as it sounds.  Being free enough to have genuine fun ( that doesn't include children) is the ultimate surrender of control for me.  I recently realized this about myself as well. In the past I would organize these amazing parties ( oh yes toot toot....theme parties that were the talk of the town...no word of a lie) but organizing it was always more fun for me than being there.  I was always running around making sure everyone was okay.  You see hosting is an excellent distraction for reality.

  Where I find myself,as I write this, is in the midst of our third fall since our initial discussion.  We were recently away.  Barney teased about spanking me in a different country.  He mentioned how he missed his opportunity last spring and regretted it.- yet I was recovering from blisters AGAIN..lol.. He said he'd be gentle but we should do it.  All day I thought of it, because I was scared.  My blisters were covered over.  I was kind of thinking it would be fun, but typical me I had to think it over in my head.  Why?  because it didn't happen.  He didn't mention why.  

Mark that as the start of a small fire within.  The next day I mentioned to him how vacations like the one we were on really aren't relaxing for me.  If we have to be *here* at such and such a time, it is always on my mind, like appointments. I can't relax if I am watching a clock. Blowing oxygen into the lit fire within.  He acknowledged what I said, but I could tell it didn't register.  -Sure I should have talked to him more and explained again-.The fire continues to build: going through customs....more oxygen to the fire; driving....fanning the flames; deadly silence in the car; phone call from the school....I acknowledge all of these things are stupid and little and really NOTHING compared to what many of you deal with on a daily basis.  For years I would deny that these little things affected me, and this is what has brought me to where I am now - behind an emotional wall.  

So I share with my husband in hopes that things will change for me- but they don't. I sit here behind the hardened heart,waiting for my husband to come home.  I have been punished since we have been back from our vacation because I snapped at him.  I was not remorseful as we were both at fault, so there was no release.  I have been informed that we will be having a thorough 'discussion' when he arrives home from work IN.THE.MIDDLE. OF.THE.NIGHT.  So yeah, real happy about that. But mostly I am hurt that our great discussion from a couple of weeks ago, where I anticipated great growth,change and understanding seems to have been forgotten, or at the very least just a thesis that can't be applied in our relationship.

~ Willie~

Btw Barney has read this post..

Knock, Knock

Hi all!  Now here is a little issue with a private blog- It will no longer update to your blogger dashboard.  There are a few things we can do here.  One is I can mass email everyone when I post.  The other is I can make a public blog which you can follow 

Willie's World

and I will post on there every time I post a post.  OR I can do both.  I will leave it up to you which you would prefer.  It really makes no difference to me, it will just save you from having to constantly check ( oh you know you would!) if I posted or not.

Once again, thank you for deciding to follow me 'under' .

Willie

Oh and again I am soooooooooooo sorry if you received multiple emails.  Blogger was not saying 'invitation sent'  only giving me error messages until I started putting the email addresses in in smaller numbers!

Going Private

First off I want to thank all of you who have been there for us over the past 20 months or so.  For the most part I have enjoyed my blogging process.  Going private is not a step I am taking lightly.  I have thought it over, and I wish I didn't feel the need.  I think blogging is very crucial for many both reading and commenting. I know without it our Dd life would have stopped before it began.  While I feel the blogging world has changed considerably in the past year or so, that isn't my primary reason for going 'under'

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was being highlighted on a blog that I do not read or endorse.  I am not saying the blog isn't an excellent source of information for some.  I am just miffed that I was mentioned on it without my knowledge or consent before hand. Bringing Dd to the masses is not on my agenda.  Blogging for me has always been about sharing experiences and hoping to learn from them on a personal level.

 I know we often highlight our friends' blogs with the understanding between each other that that is ok.  This was not the case.  Yes I am or rather WAS a public blog, but I have long since removed my blog from google search.  I do not label my blog to be found easier.  I rely on getting to know bloggers and readers through comments on their or my blog.  Numbers are not only not important to me- I really don't want a larger reading base.  It is difficult enough to put myself out there ( admittedly not something I have been doing much of lately) with those I do know.

I for those who want to 'follow me under' please email me at wilma.barney@gmail.com- with your email address you want to follow from.  For those who have an aversion to private blogs, I'll understand and please accept my thanks.

(sorry about the lame video...I only had a second to throw it together)

Maybe someday I will return to the public eye, or maybe someday I will be gone entirely.  I just wanted the chance once more to say thank you to my lurkers, and most importantly to those of you who have taken the time to comment.

Love Willie