Sunday, June 15, 2014

On with the After Party!

  I am not going to lie the thought of going private, although a long time coming, came with very little hesitation. What did surprise me was the fact that there were so many of you out there that I hadn't met yet that were reading, but not commenting.  I look forward to getting to know everyone just a little bit better.  I want those of you bloggers who were concerned that my privacy was invaded to once again be reassured.  The only privacy issues I had were ones I foolishly allowed to happen through misjudgment.

Anyway now it feels great!  I feel like I held a huge house party and while it was a great deal of fun, I am  finally sitting down and relaxing in my messy, sticky house, after the majority of people have left.

(hey she's even sitting on a pillow!)

I am surveying the damage but really just enjoying the calm with close friends and  new friends I am finally getting a chance to talk to now that the big party is over.  SOoooooooooooo on to the after party shall we?


I had one of 'those' moments a couple of weeks ago.  Don't worry it is still affecting my life now, this won't be a 'stale' post.  I had an appointment for a nerve conduction test on my arm.  My dear sweet cousin informed me it was painful- pfft...if only she knew what my body went through on a weekly basis if not more...snicker!  Barney had rearranged his work for me so he could drive me.  It was at one of the larger hospitals in town and I hate, HATE not knowing where I am going- control much?  We managed to get there, parked and in my appointment without a single hitch.  While lying on the bed, the technician said,

" Nervous"
W- " Nope not at all"  ( and I honestly didn't feel nervous in the least)
T- " Well you are shaking"
W- " No I'm not. Am I ?  I don't feel like I am nervous or shakey"
T to Barney " Is she always like this" ( She was literally talking RIGHT over me.  Helloooo?  I am RIGHT HERE)? 
B- " Not always- but pretty much"
T- "Ah"
AH??? Ah what?

That got me thinking, I know you are shocked.  Barney later told me I have certain 'tells' when I am nervous.  Of course he couldn't remember them at that exact moment.pfft.  It is no secret that I don't like any type of appointment.  Mostly because I don't like being late.  I really don't care for the unknown.  I like to have all my ducks in a row.  Lately when I have been going to my doctor's appointments my blood pressure has been through the roof.  However when I take my blood pressure at home it isn't AS bad.  Huh.  so maybe I do suppress my anxieties so well I don't even realize I have them at times.  I decided to start paying a bit closer attention to myself.  My body.

I have tendinitis.  It doesn't sound as bad as it actually can feel at times.  I have been going to physio therapy for a few months, and that may have helped.  Mostly I have not been doing things to hurt it.  As I have mentioned to some of you spankings and orgasms ( sorry for those who get squeamish with tmi but it is important to mention in this case) can be extremely painful, even if I don't clench my fists ( which can be REALLY difficult). I began to notice that in times of stress, ie anything school related with our son, pain.  If I was temporarily lost driving, pain.  If I had a discussion that I didn't like with Barney, pain.   Basically tensing up equals pain.

You see as animated as I can be, I am also extremely stoic.  EXTREMELY.  My Dad would argue that I 'don't have a poker face' but in times of stress and anxiety, I switch over into a different zone.  One I thought to myself was fantastic all this time, until I started to pay attention to my body due to this injury of mine.

Sooooooo very interesting BUT why am I telling you all this?  Because it  triggered a very interesting conversation between Barney and I.  One that while was enlightening at the time is causing me....well arm pain now!  LOL

I always knew I had some forms of anxiety.  Mostly surrounding horror moans.  I also knew I was a great suppressor .  I had no clue I was an Olympic worthy 'athlete' in both of these categories.  While discussing my discoveries with Barney he confessed a few things.  He said ( and please note he is talking in the past tense. Don't start sending him hate mail. He has opened his eyes to his past 'wicked way' of thinking  )

" You know before ttwd I used to not understand things like depression.  I mean if you have a problem fix it right" 

" Are you kidding me with this?  That is so not fair"

" Oh I know!  I mean I know that now.  Although I still don't get it.  But I guess that doesn't matter"

" I can't speak for depression, but I can tell you anxiety makes no sense to me either, but I can't help it"

" I know"

" Put it this way.  You are afraid of heights, and I am of the ocean.  Neither make sense right?  I mean I didn't grow up anywhere near the ocean.  Why be afraid of something I may never see?  And you- "

" Well now I'm not afraid of heights if there are proper safety guidelines in place"

" You mean if you are enclosed?  You said you wouldn't do the glass bottom plane"

*btw could you imagine how many drunks would be landing in your seat on the way to and from the restroom on this plane?*

"I thought about that.  I think I could.  I mean if it is structurally sound I think I could go in one"

" Well that is kind of like what ttwd does for my anxiety.  It is always there in the background, waiting, but if ttwd is structurally sound. I feel safe and the anxiety isn't there as much.  It crosses my mind but doesn't settle in my body- my arm"

"Well that makes sense to me now.  Thank you"

I went on to describe what the day was like for me after my appointment. " Anxiety causes a little fire in me almost.   No not the feisty kind she's got fire in her eyes kind.  The bubbly tension type of fire.  Over time I can let the fire dissipate on my own, provided there is nothing to blow oxygen on the coals to start the fire all over again."

Barney- " Like coming home the other day after your appointment and having the issues with Heir to the Throne's school"

" Yes exactly.  It reignited the fire"

" And it didn't help that I moved our r/a."

"No it didn't.  But I could have been okay, provided nothing else came up"

" Well what are the chances of that in this house? "  chuckling

" You know I have told you before, it is like bungee jumping.

 I can manage on my own for a bit free falling, providing the cord is there to pull me back before I hit the ground.  It isn't fun I'll give you that, but I can rationalize life in my brain to help me muddle through.  However, when you seem to have not hooked up the cord, that starts me to spiral. "

" You do go to a very bad place.  I don't like it. "

" Neither do I, but if my safety nets are in place. If we are structurally sound, I can handle things much better"

So we continued to talk about control- as in me trying to control my emotions not necessarily the house.  You see when I don't feel secure, I close up shop.  I harden up.  I may or may not go through the submissive motions ( well acts of service type stuff but that is technically my 'job' so I have little choice in the matter) but my heart is locked up in protective mode. I can't explain why that makes any sense, any more than I can explain why I am afraid of the ocean.

The week after this discussion was interesting.  I had great hopes, that finally Barney might have understood how all of this helped me.  How all of this was connected.  

 But we crashed....boy did we crash.  And have done so twice since as well.  Barney and I have different views on this.  He feels I don't think he can 'do this'.  I whole heartily disagree.  I am continually reminding him that if I didn't think he could do this, I wouldn't be disappointed when he slipped up.  I honestly don't feel like I expect him to do certain things, but I do anticipate things when he casually mentions them in conversations.  To me the anticipation drop is hard.  The landing is hurtful and I admit I am not pleasant to be around when it happens.  I am sullen because I feel the anxiety building. My 'litmus' test, as Lillie likes to say, is my arm now.  It starts to really, really hurt.  I get to a state where I refuse to be able to talk about it.  I mean I want to, but I just can't.  I need to step away.   The pain in my arm makes me sleepy which further complicates things as I am in no mood to discuss things when I am mentally cloudy.  BOY overly dramatic or what?

Is it fair to burden my husband?  No it isn't.  I know that, and the guilt eats at me at times too.  Here is the thing, ttwd really is about breaking down walls for me.  By doing so,  Barney is able to lead the way he wants and be loved the way he needs.  I am more me and free.  I wished to God I could be like 'others' whoever they are,-freely living without barriers of emotional fear.  I just can't.  I need control to be taken away.  I need it even to have fun.  As silly as it sounds.  Being free enough to have genuine fun ( that doesn't include children) is the ultimate surrender of control for me.  I recently realized this about myself as well. In the past I would organize these amazing parties ( oh yes toot toot....theme parties that were the talk of the word of a lie) but organizing it was always more fun for me than being there.  I was always running around making sure everyone was okay.  You see hosting is an excellent distraction for reality.

  Where I find myself,as I write this, is in the midst of our third fall since our initial discussion.  We were recently away.  Barney teased about spanking me in a different country.  He mentioned how he missed his opportunity last spring and regretted it.- yet I was recovering from blisters He said he'd be gentle but we should do it.  All day I thought of it, because I was scared.  My blisters were covered over.  I was kind of thinking it would be fun, but typical me I had to think it over in my head.  Why?  because it didn't happen.  He didn't mention why.  

Mark that as the start of a small fire within.  The next day I mentioned to him how vacations like the one we were on really aren't relaxing for me.  If we have to be *here* at such and such a time, it is always on my mind, like appointments. I can't relax if I am watching a clock. Blowing oxygen into the lit fire within.  He acknowledged what I said, but I could tell it didn't register.  -Sure I should have talked to him more and explained again-.The fire continues to build: going through customs....more oxygen to the fire; driving....fanning the flames; deadly silence in the car; phone call from the school....I acknowledge all of these things are stupid and little and really NOTHING compared to what many of you deal with on a daily basis.  For years I would deny that these little things affected me, and this is what has brought me to where I am now - behind an emotional wall.  

So I share with my husband in hopes that things will change for me- but they don't. I sit here behind the hardened heart,waiting for my husband to come home.  I have been punished since we have been back from our vacation because I snapped at him.  I was not remorseful as we were both at fault, so there was no release.  I have been informed that we will be having a thorough 'discussion' when he arrives home from work IN.THE.MIDDLE. OF.THE.NIGHT.  So yeah, real happy about that. But mostly I am hurt that our great discussion from a couple of weeks ago, where I anticipated great growth,change and understanding seems to have been forgotten, or at the very least just a thesis that can't be applied in our relationship.

~ Willie~

Btw Barney has read this post..


  1. I too get really discombobulated with this stuff. Last night during and after a spanking MM wanted to know why I wouldn't soften, why I was putting up a wall against him. I explained for the 425th time how I can't automatically get there when he leaves too many days between these times together. Too much gets built up. His response was far too usual--he's not being a good leader and no matter what life throws his way, he'll do better. I believe him but like you, I know that we will have our 426th discussion again soon. I also don't know if he forgets or what...but something is misfiring and I wish I had a fix.

    I watch your anxiety building over time, the closing up, the cumulative effect of small things that feed that fire you describe. Even the quick, "it's fine" when asking about your arm is telling.

    LOL...I'm real helpful this morning...but I do understand, especially the part about being most fully ourselves, most myself when control is taken away.

    1. Yeah,,,what the flip? LOL...Okay we shall have to impose electric shock treatment after or during every repeated discussion. THAT might help them remember? How submissive is that???

  2. Oh wow. I get this. I SO feel you here. This is how J is. He will drop a hint of a spanking and then it won't happen because life gets in the way. We are in the spot, well, you KNOW how our life is right now, but I still need what I need and I don't know how to make our situation any different at the moment. Although I do think your suggestion of a car ride will happen soon.

    I think you're putting an awful lot on yourself. Have you tried to just relax and not THINK about what's coming? Hard to do I know, but you could try it. :) hang in there.

    1. Man! I had this entire comment typed out, but am using my little man's computer. Instead of pressing enter, I pressed something else and * poof * .

      Just so I don't seem all down on our men, I do think that they think by mentioning spankings, even if they don't happen it allows us to know they are still thinking about them. Phew...that is a lot of think and thinking!

      Anyway, I don't see either of our lives changing a great deal in the next couple of months due to summer vacations, living in shoe boxes, and well all the 'fun' that comes from life. I really wish it weren't so, as misery does not love company in this case M.

      and WHAT? stop thinking???? did we just meet? LOL

  3. I do the same thing with any kind of appointment. For certain ones I get so anxious about being late that I usually can't sleep the night before. I'm too afraid I won't hear the alarm. Then of course, I end up being so tired at said appointment, I'm definitely not at my best and so afterwards I get to obsess on all the things I could have done/said better. LOL! Can't win for losing :)

    I do know that special feeling that NOT getting a spanking you were told to expect tends to cause. I remember spending an entire night and day anticipating one that never happened. On the one hand, it was a bit of a relief, on the other, it was just a major let down. In a lot of ways. Maybe the worst being all the little seeds of doubt that were sown.

    As frustrating as it is, I think that most really important conversations have to be repeated several times before some things really, really sink in. Change is so hard and takes so much time before new habits and thoughts and ways of doing things become our natural way of doing things. TTWD is always some steps forward, followed by some steps back. Any progress is better than just standing still.

    I love having the control taken away from me. Well, maybe not always in the moment :) I tend to be such a control freak. I have so much trouble just letting go. It is so exhausting being responsible for everything and everyone. At least in my own mind. One of the very best things about TTWD is the revelation that yes, my husband is really quite capable of making good decisions and getting things done without my input and reminders! He may not do it my way, but to my surprise, sometimes his way is better anyway!

    Take care of that arm. Hugs.

    1. Well that confirms it Queenie...we are the same person. Run along and tell your husband there is another man out there 'suffering' too! LOL. Maybe they can form some kind of support program.

      I know things take a while to 'sink' in. I know my husband MUST learn by rote memory- that has to be the only explanation. LOL. It just honestly SUCKS when you have a heart to heart explaining something, when he looks at you like he finally gets it, but then there is a blockage when it comes to applying it in real life.

      I am trying to take care of my arm- but new and 'funky' things keep popping up. Meh...such is life

  4. Nothing I will say will probably make sense, but I have two Grace free hands...lucky you ;)

    First, what Susie said about putting up walls totally hit home. We are going through all of that currently. No action forever....and then he wonders why I don't just "let it work". Um really? Sigh.

    Anxiety. Dear. Lord. I have never been a depressed person, but I am a spazoid. Lol. I am the same way at the doctor....I walk in the door and my blood pressure is through the roof. I contribute it to having a sick dad all my life....too much time spent with doctors as a young child... Who knows? With all the crap going on here, the lack of anything meaningful has caused me start grinding my teeth into sleep again. Every darn morning I wake up with a sore jaw...and Wilma.... Please refrain from your nasty humor. Lol. I didn't really get until I read this that there is a direct correlation. I attributed it to all this quality time I am spending with the kids;). And while that may partly be true, I think I am missing the connection. It is just very odd here now.

    Okay, well perhaps I should get my own blog and stop venting in your comments. Lol! Ugh. I relate. I so relate.

    1. Well as we have since 'talked' this out- and I am certain we came up with brilliant solutions to YOUR problems...LOL...I'm not sure what else to say.

      I did forget to mention that I do get nightmares or unpleasant dreams during these times too. Good times, good times.

      Oh wait. I think we did come to the conclusion that we don't 'let it work' at times because we fear we will be right back to the disconnect in a few days so why bother? But seems to me we worded it better than that.

  5. H is the one in our home that freaks out at appointments and being late. I have to take his blood pressure for 2 weeks after a Dr visit to prove it was anxiety.

    Now due to his "have to be on time" personality...I get anxious about making sure everyone is ready to go or I have a husband who is not happy. It's a total dominio effect and can ruin a planned happy day! *sigh. On vacations I want to have no plans. Just relax and fly by the seat of my pants. We are driving to Florida in a few weeks and I already told him that he will die in his sleep if he complains about how many times I have to stop and pee!!! (Small bladder and 3 big with it buddy).

    All joking aside....I understand how lack of follow through and expectations get you down...Samething here every time. Just last week I told H...I felt like my insides were going to explode. He spanked me and I was able to relax. Cant explain it...but that's what happens. It started with him not spanking me when he made a comment and spiraled out of control. Hope things settle soon for you :) HUGS!!

    1. Yep sounds like Barney is married to your husband. So if ever you need some insight into his brain, just give me a shout Kris...LOL

      There must be more to it than just the let down that causes us to spiral down. I am really going to have to give it some thought as to what that might be.

  6. Hey Willie,
    The e-mail worked! Yeah!!!
    As always we seem to be on the same page. I carry stress in my shoulders, that is how I hurt my shoulder now. (can you believe bones actually slipped out of joint!) It is getting better now, but I have also noticed when I start getting upset the pain gets worse.
    I have meet with the paddle twice since December, the last time was over a month ago. I thought we were restarting. He makes JOKES all the time about taking me to the closet, but never does anything. He doesn't understand how much this can wind me up.
    As for going to new places and being there on time.....yeh I know that. I am usually at the door of new places 30 minute before the appointment. I add in that time just in case. Drives R crazy. It has caused some problems with his family. They are the kind of people when you tell them we are leaving at 10 am, that means they start getting ready at 10 am. I am standing at the back door at that time getting more and more anxious and angry as every second passes.
    We have discussed all this, again this weekend, and still nothing. We even had a completely empty house this weekend, just the two of us for about 5 hours. Nothing.
    I am at the point, I am thinking when I need it, to just go to the bedroom, get the tools out, get into position, and text the man to come to the bedroom. Sigh.....If you tries this.....let me know how it works.
    Love and Hugs

    1. Well some people are 'blood-brothers/sisters" we are definitely Disfunctional Dd sisters Blue Bird !

      Urgh...urgh, URGH to people getting ready WHEN they are supposed to be there already. I had friends that were coming over for dinner ( just casual) on the weekend PHONE an hour after they were supposed to be here and say they will be here in 20 minutes- and then they brought 2 more people! I had more than enough food, but I had phoned earlier in the day to check if the other 2 were coming because I didn't want them to feel bad if I was running around grabbing chairs and things like I wasn't expecting them....grrrrr

      Barney generally doesn't have an issue with the reset spankings during the school year- it is just capitalizing on them when we have a moment alone. Oh except for the other night- I will have to write a post about THAT MISadventure!!!

      Why not get R to read this post? Maybe he'll see some similarities and figure it out???

      Love to you 'sister'

  7. Anticipation that doesn't come through is so frustrating. I've learned that spanky pillow talk is nothing more than pillow talk. I like Blue Bird's suggestion. You guys have been at it a lot longer than we have but I've found that asking for it and reminding him what he said he'd do reinforces that I really do want this. Is it annoying that I have to remind? Yes, but better than getting no where.

    So sorry about your damn arm! Chronic pain absolutely sucks and I know it will get better for you but in the mean time it's incredibly disruptive. Try to be easy on yourself (as much as you can with a husband and three kids).

    Lots of love!

    1. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh here lies in the 'rub' if you will with B and my dynamic, or where we are now...or where I am...or whatever that asking for a spanking ( unless it is for an emotional reset of a different kind) removes the 'validity' of it-if you will. Yeah, the pain is still there, but my heart is no longer happy that he is willing to provide what I ask of him. It is more of a " I am in control of this situation" feeling when that happens. Not he has noticed he needs to take control. More like he is a 'puppet' in my play. Does that make sense?

      I am trying to live my life, and adapt with the arm but it is ever much fun! Hope your pain goes away soon....especially for Grover's sake! *wink*

      Love back

  8. The very worst type of pain is self inflicted; just weeding one more patch, just walking that little bit extra because the puppy needs the exercise, just sitting still at the puter for 2 hours so as to not disturb the kitten on the lap; just a few more on the beautiful bottom I spank even though my arthritic hand is screaming..stop, Stop, STOP NOW!! But some pain is worth enduring because of the joyful consequences.

    In defense of my fellow mankind, you may be underestimating two of the most important genes in mans collective genetic makeup; namely the "useless" and "stooopid" genes. The "useless" gene kicks in when a strong male finds that due to health, age, time, finances or any number of reasons they are no longer able to provide their partner, family, community, work etc. with all the activity required or demanded. Quite quickly they begin to feel "useless" which feeds and grows all by itself. Once this gene starts, the "stoopid" gene is activated which affects our ability to hear, see and think with our emotional brain. Symptom: I know we have had this discussion 425 times before...but what was it you said. Major outcome: selective deafness, selective blindness and amazing loss of memory.

    There is no cure! Mostly us "strong" men need to be treated like the little lost lambs we are...just don't let us know that is what you are doing; let us think it was all our idea in the first place and we will be as happy as the proverbial. And yes Blue Bird, sometimes it does take a bit of radical, proactive action like getting out the tools, draping over the bed and demanding some action!!!!

    Willie, as always you are in my thoughts and prayers

    1. Self inflicted pain indeed Don! It is like you are 'watching me" I am my own worst enemy! Barney has taken to thanking me now when I 'let' him do things as opposed to chastising me for not. We'll see how long I can 'remember' to not do things.

      I will let Barney comment on your next paragraph as he and I have discussed this many times. We also have with other HoH's too. I know it, but it doesn't make it any easier being the one forgotten....even if that makes me sound unsympathetic to my husband's plight.

      I think of you both often too Don. I still owe you an email. I haven't forgotten...Ooops well actually I did...but I will get on it soon!

  9. Hi Willie, I think people in general characteristically are prone to be either crazy about being on time or procrastinators who will be late to their own funeral! I am more like you in that if I am not early to an appointment I feel late.

    I don't understand why but not getting the spankings we need seems to be a ubiquitious problem. I agree with Blue Bird and sometimes I just tell ask Nina outright when I need her to spank me. I have come to realize the alternative is to be frustrated, which leads to me being not such a fun person. Wish I had some great answers, but alas, I am as clueless as why we all seem to have the same problem. However, it does appear that the problem is not necessarily gender specific, so maybe there is an answer? Who ever figures it out first please share it with everyone else!

    Hope your days ahead are as worry free as a mom's can be and life gives your arm no reason to cause you pain.


    1. LOL...George. When the boys were little I would often be 'on time' but not early....and did it ever drive me crazy. Admittedly not a far drive.

      As for Blue Bird's advice, right now for us, I don't feel I would get much satisfaction from that. I explained in my comment to Leah, and in the interest of 'saving my arm' I am going to be 'rude' and say, would you mind reading that as my explanation?

  10. Hurray! I have found you! I had given up and decided I was the world's worst as far as technology was concerned, but you were here all the time and I hadn't looked properly.... well, that figures.

    Because we both have so much on our plate at the moment, all our former designated times for discussion, stress relief, RA, whatever you like to call it has gone completely out of the window. I did think that maybe it would be the end, that maybe having tried our convoluted mixture of Dd/TTWD it was time to give it a rest.

    But a strange thing happened, Dan took over the remembering.

    What you said about hating to be late for appointments etc is interesting. I am ALWAYS late. So much so that everyone knows I am late and tells me a different time, ahead of myself, so I can at least be nearly on time. It is something I have no control over - fire and brimstone will rain down if ever I am 'on time' and cause me to have to make a huge detour which then makes me late!

    Control is a very strange thing, and it seems to me that it causes a different reaction in each one of us. For you the manifestations of very real pain become apparent. For me, it builds and builds until I either have a significant hyperventilating attack, or I give up and walk away from it all. Or become an ostrich and ignore it.

    So I have no answers or advice for you, because nothing I could say would be very helpful. I think we each have to attack this problem in our own way. I do, however, remember something I think Lucy once wrote about, and that is we must just lie back in the water even if we think we are going to sink, and let our other half prevent us from drowning. I don't know about you, but this is a concept that is very alien to me; very difficult. I am a control freak myself, and put me out of my depth and I panic.

    But suddenly I have discovered that it is totally possible for me to live a normal life without constantly thinking about TTWD - because Dan seems to have taken over. And I know I laugh about some of our spankings and silly situations; and I know we aren't all the way there yet (if we ever will be) but at the back of all the fun/silliness/complaining/bratting/sexiness/downright painful spankings/love pats is a foundation we weren't even aware we were building. Neither of us can or would even try to explain it, but it is definitely there.

    I suspect it is there for you two as well, Willie honey. In fact I am sure it is. And because of that I love to read about everyone else and their endeavours to climb Everest; it makes me and Dan feel a lot more normal.

    I am sorry you have tendonitis and I sympathise about hospitals. Nasty places! Ugh Keep taking the pills I say - or the glasses of vino!

    Gotta go - the baby has woken up. Such is the life of a grandma!


    1. Yes Ami the foundation is definitely my Phyllo Pastry Post claimed...sheesh I mean I know you are crazy busy but c'mon! LOL

      I am not concerned about ttwd leaving our house. I know the summer will be difficult but it won't or shouldn't prove hellish like last year. We have climbed to that summit last year and have no desire to make the cold trek again.

      I think I'll just hide out instead of pills or wine. They seem to have other non desirable effects at the moment! LOL

      Enjoy your crazy life lady!

  11. Hi Willie,
    I'm so sorry about your arm! Tendonitis may sound mild, but it can be crippling at times (as you know). I hope your test results were good. I want to write "isn't it funny how we can have the same conversation with our husbands over and over, and it still doesn't seem to really sink in?" But it's REALLY not funny. It's frustrating and heartbreaking. But it must be a man thing because everyone I've talked to has said that's how it is for them too. I would say on average, it takes 4-5 tearful conversations/pleas for understanding before certain concepts sink in for Ash. I'm glad Barney read your post. Did you guys discuss it after? I wish I could tell you a helpful idea, but I don't have any. Good luck with the middle of the night "discussion"!

    1. Thanks River. The test showed no nerve damage, BUT apparently I am 'wired' differently..SHOCKING! Anyway, I am not sure if the pain is changing or if I am just getting used to it. I have strength again in my hand so as far as I am concerned that is success!

      I know what you mean about most conversations- rote memory I always say. This particular one he really did seem to understand. And he did- but he couldn't recognize it in 'the field'.

      Reading the post was difficult for both of us. It was late at night and I lay on my side crying because I thought of how horrible the post made me look. How demanding. He was upset because he thought it accurately depicted him, but he looked bad. Not because he is concerned with public images but because it was 'right there in print' - how much I was hurt by his lack of action.

      That middle of the night 'discussion' never happened. It was good though because it didn't happen due to the post. I felt so much better the next day ( tears probably helped) mostly because I 'got it all out'

  12. Willie, I'm sorry things are crashing for you guys and it's causing so much pain physically and emotionally. "Is it fair to burden my husband?" YES WILLIE!! That communication over and over and over and over again is the only way you get your needs met and in turn he gets his met. I won't have the beautiful words that Lillie had but I remember a post she wrote about the give and take and how we build each other up. That's what this makes me think of. You have told me so many times to thank Luke when he has stepped up and been a true leader so he knows how much I appreciate his efforts. But I also need to let him know when he lets me down. How much that disappointment hurts. When I don't communicate that I turn cold, then Luke turns cold and the walls build. I think as time goes on in ttwd those cold hard times get more pronounced. It used to be just the way it was but now you know how much better you can be together so the lows seem so much harder to deal with. Eh, I don't know if any of this will make sense but I so hope this crash is getting resolved! Sending hugs, Willie!

    1. Well I wouldn't say it was 'crashing'. It was disappointing that he didn't use the information from our discussion and utilize it in the situations where it would be beneficial to me/us...but that is nothing new I suppose. It does maybe hurt more that it reasonably should during that time, and self doubt about how demanding we may be creeps in, but I believe to a certain extent that can be human nature. Barney and I talked about that too. The piling more on top of the bad, when normally I try to focus on the good. Sometimes that switch is flicked though and it needs help being flipped back the other way.

      I do believe that you need to inform your husband of not only the good but the bad. I also am a firm believer that processing is different from distancing. To me, distancing occurs once you already have figured out where the hurt/anxiety/disappointment/anger came from and you refuse to communicate. Processing may look like distancing, but in reality it is just taking the time to figure it out and communicate it properly for all concerned without rampaged emotions.
      Thanks Clara!

  13. How am I just seeing this now? LOL willie this blogger thing is crazy and still drives me batty! I'm sorry you're dealing with all this but you know I'm not a source of any inspiration or advice. Just wine. And whine. So glad you're able to blab away on here like you need to and not worry about who's seeing what anymore.

    1. Don't worry about it Chickie...apparently we are the after, after party that only the really COOL people can find! lol

      I love my little private corner of the world. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed public blogging too, but this feels like it did when I first started and I love it...even if no one can find me! LOL

      We can chat and whine and wine anytime Chickie!

  14. Hi Willie, I'm sorry ... always late to the party! ?.. or after party in this case.

    I can relate to so much in this post. I am the same with any appointment. Those nerve conduction tests are fun aren't they? I had one a few years ago.

    Your conversation sounds so similar to one's we have had around my anxiety and OCD and my need for organisation and planning etc. Rick doesn't fully understand it, but since ttwd he now takes it into account and does everything he can to avoid the OCD beast rearing its head lol.

    I am so sorry you are in pain with your arm and really hope that with time and physio things improve.

    I'm so sorry too that you and Barney have crashed. It is so frustrating that these conversations have to be repeated over and over. It seems to be the way for all of us. Glad Barney has read this and sincerely hope it opened the way for more conversation and understanding.

    Sending you much love and hugs

  15. Wow I am very late!
    Blame it on my crazy life and tech-no capabilities!
    I'm really sorry about the anxiety and tendonitis. Our bodies always tell us when we are experiencing too much stress! Unfortunately it is very difficult to manage. Acknowledging the problem is a good step but then.... What to do? Often the care takers of the family absorb everyone's energy stress and anxieties.... Then we don't have an outlet.
    For me.... Stress is often a constant companion...I am constantly trying ideas out. Talking to my Scotsman can help but even though our partners care, they don't always understand.... So I try other ways to relax.... Music, exercise, meditation.....stress relief spanking....
    Sorry if I'm not any help...

    1. LOL...Look around you Minelle, the party is just getting started!

      You don't have to be any 'help' Minelle. I try those things too, and they eventually do temper the 'flames' a bit. Provided there isn't any oxygen given to the anxiety fire for a while, I'm good. LOL...but it is all those darn little triggers. BUT it is what it is right? There is always a good stiff....................................drink ;)

  16. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and that TTWD isn't working as smoothly as it could. I am one of your many followers who don't comment often (or never LOL) but I wanted to lend my support to you.

    I understand the transfer of emotional stress to physical pain. I do this as well. I carry mine in my neck and shoulders usually but lately my left shoulder gets extremely painful when I am stessed/upset/anxious or all the above. It is usually just a build up of everyday situations that don't get resolved or are unwanted circumstances insinuating themselves in my life. Doesn't matter they make me miserable. And I want relief.

    My HoH and I are very new to this lifestyle and we are working so diligently to be consistent, keep open lines of communication, and to stay withing our roles with him leading and me following. It is such a fine line to walk at times. We try to have a scheduled discussion time weekly and are fairly successful but life gets in the way. When it does, everything feels off. And it grows.

    I can't relinquish control without being confident there is someone else picking it up. I get tied up in knots that threaten to strangle me. We have scheduled maintenance 3 times a week because I need it. I crave it. I can't make it without that reminder that DD/TTWD is there like a safety net and I can depend on him to fulfill his obligations as he expects me to comply with each rule and assigned task.

    He also "forgets" it's maintenance night or that because I broke a rule and confessed that he agreed to spank me. I do tell him. Everytime. Respectfully, always, but I remind him. Because it matters to me. It's important that if he says he will do something that he does. Maybe not the perfect solution but it works. And I always try to let him know I understand he is busy, distracted, otherwise mentally engaged but could we please take care of this problem too.

    I tend to be a goody-two-shoes. I don't brat (he doesn't like it and won't tolerate it), I break few rules and I hate for him to be disappointed in me. So if I want attention I only have maintenance or I can ask for it, for any reason.

    We all do this differently, We all have wonderful highs and horrible lows. It is so much harder to get through the lows when the highs are so fulfilling and heartwarming. But this lifestyle brings us so much closer, so much more love and caring, so much connection that the getting through lows is worth the effort to get back to the high.

    I hope this disconnected low period is a short one for you. And never give up. We only succeed when we continue to try.


    1. Hi Brittany

      Welcome. When we first started we had scheduled days as well. It really did work for quite a long time. Life eventually got in the way of that- and then it stopped. Barney has often tried to implement daily r/a sessions but that has never amounted to more than a week or so run.

      I used to used to crave perhaps more the physical aspect of ttwd when we started and for possibly even the first year. Now however, I require him to take the initiative in order for everything to 'click' for me. I know if I have an emotional issue I can certainly ask for help, but for some reason the stage I am at the moment it does't feel like it is something that will be helpful.

      I generally don't get into trouble very often- *some friends* claim it is because my husband is a very patient man. The truth of the matter is we have very little rules that he considers punishable. Anytime I do break a rule it is strictly unintentional so usually very little comes of it. Unless of course I am disrespectful, and he isn't in the mood. All this to say, we mostly do r/a sessions, and that is why I need him to initiate them. Otherwise I am the one ( or so it feels) pulling all the strings in this dynamic.

      Thanks for delurking!

  17. I made it! (what it's only been up a week lol) Well, as you know I've been through the anticipation then nothing. Heck, Brice even told you I was getting a follow up the next day and never followed through. That alone really does raise my anxiety level.

    You did a very good job describing your feelings in this post. I'm interested to know what Barney thought of it.

    1. Oh yessssssssssss the late night phone call from Brice. How could I possibly forget that one??? My anxiety would be on high alert all the time married to him! *wink*
      (smooches Brice)

      How did Barney feel? Well I guess I'll have to have him answer ( good thing you are away this could take a while!)

  18. Okay, first, I found you!! and second, I feel like you just described my life. My husband has been telling me I have anxiety for a couple years now, and it used to make me so mad, I hated that he would think that of me. I never freak out in the way I thought anxious people do, I check out and get quiet and stoic.I can so relate to everything you said in this post, safety nets are important.

    I'm glad barney read this, and I hope the two of you can discuss everything together. I know how hard it is when you feel like you laid all your cards and emotions on the table, and they still don't seem to get it. I hope you two have connected again, and I really hope you had that release. I'm sure this post was really helpful for him to read.

    I think about my own DD/TTWD dynamic, and I have to say that my husband is pretty consistent, and things are going pretty smoothly, but it's taken us 6 years to get to this point. He just couldn't wrap his head around everything for such a long time, I had my own faults too. It was such a struggle, and emotions were all over the place. I'm really proud of his commitment and the work he's put into TTWD, but I don't think we would be doing this well, without working out and learning from the failures of the past. I hope you never feel like you're a burden to your husband because you are not.

    Big Hugs!!

    1. Yay to finding me!!!! I'm so, so happy you are here.

      Don't you just 'hate' when they are right Jannelle? LOL. Yup stoic or nonexistent- that's how I roll too. This post was helpful for him to read but it was also painful for him to read. He doesn't like when he 'drops the ball' as he likes to put it. Thankfully he is getting better at expressing himself when he lets 'us' down. Before it would be more of a pout on, and it would always make question the point of telling him.

      Not a whole lot has changed outwardly since he read this post, but this sort of change and understanding of the need takes time. It isn't easy to wait, but thankfully I haven't had the anxiety as of late I did a few weeks ago ( great I just jinxed myself).

      Hugs back

  19. Sorry I haven't been around, but I have been fact I still am. Sorry construction is going on again,; hopefully a sleep deprived Wilma can be reached! It is kind of sweet that Barney wants todo this perfectly for you. The guy I am talking to wants the same for me. I am thinking just doing it, right or wrong is better than not doing it at all. You learn by doing and collecting data, right? Sorry, I am in science world right now, which is fueling this comments. I am glad Barney is reading this and he can figure out how to make you feel safe.

    1. Yes! Right or wrong....just go with your gut. Albeit easier said than done when someone you love is part of the equation. We both know all of these things, but when you are in the thick of it- it is difficult to keep your eye on the prize, as emotions blur your vision.
      Hope life settles down for you soon...and YAY to the guy ( psst where is my email about THIS one?)

  20. Hi Willie,
    I am sorry to hear you are struggling right now with physical & emotional pain. Clark and I had a lot of trouble with follow through but what has helped for us is scheduled maintenance. I'm not saying that it's for everyone or that it will work for every couple but it has really worked wonders for us. It did take lots of discussions to get it started but it's all Clark's show now, he picked the frequency & the days of the week. I have no say in it at all & it has really given him a boost in confidence. I hope you two are able to work through this sooner than later because the interim is the toughest part.
    Hang in there, this too shall pass!
    Scarlet ; )

    1. Hi Scarlet

      We did have scheduled r/a sessions before, and they really did help. A couple of times Barney even implemented daily spankings....those didn't help ME as much- but they were supposed to be for him apparently. I don't think they achieved what he wanted as whenever we had those he stopped after a week or two.

      Things are fine now. I think a great deal of this is also due to the fact that 'the honeymoon' is over and the real work has to continue beyond the novelty that our relationship was changing JUST because we put in some effort. Now we have to pay closer attention to each other in our dynamic. Uncharted territory to a certain degree.
      Thanks for stopping by!

  21. Don't worry, I've arrived now. It's me all over, a bit like Ami, I'm always late!
    I didn't get the notification of the ppost on your public facing blog to sho this one was here!
    There is not a lot left to say. I understand, have been there (a lot) but have no good advice as I still struggle.
    Yesterday in the midst of a few raised voices over the telephone H sort of shouted at me that 'I demanded his leadership and then don't follow it' he may be right about not always following, but it was the word 'demanded' I took exception to.
    The most amazing thing happened today, you'll never guess ... I thought of you! I really did! I was moping a little focussing on that word that I didn't like when I realised I should tell him how it had made me feel, that he would never guess in a mlion years that my pursed lips today related back to one word he used yesterday. My goodness he's been asleep since then! So I to him and he explained himself sort of ( but he assured me he didn't mean it as it had come out!!!
    So..., all this will not help your problems at all, except to make you happier knowing that through your advice you have succeeded in bringing husband and wife back to talking and working together at least two days sooner than we would have managed naturally!

    1. *FINALLY* you are here! Now I can post again...sheesh you late comers!!

      I am not entirely sure what I did to have you think of me and talk to your hubby...but I AM happy for you that you did! Of course I am happy that you thought of me at all.

      No need for advice on this one Janey, we are on to another issue anyway! And no, there hasn't been a solution to this one yet- not even sure that is possible.

  22. Hi Willie, thank you for the invitation and sorry for being a bit late for the after party.
    Your explanation of what happens when you don’t feel secure really hit me, just because it made perfect sense to me, if I got it right. You go into protective mode by building walls around your heart. And there are several things that increase this feeling which leads directly into anxiety. The more fire there is in you, the higher the walls you build to protect yourself. And you are waiting for the release which does not always come in time. At the same time, you cannot really let go, if Barney doesn’t take away control from you. This sounds like a lot of tearing down walls that needs to be done at times.
    I am fully with you about the build up that you went through during your vacation. For you the triggers are fixed times, the tension at the customs, Barney not really listening … , school, and even if some of this appears small, for me, they would always add up to something bigger, too. So, this sounds like lots of oxygen to fuel a complete BBQ. My triggers are just different ones (not travelling, that's awfully exciting for me), but I think the result would be the same. Here, the appointment-fetishist is hubby, I am actually a little bit carefree with that, … but almost always make it in time.
    I am so sorry about your arm and tendonitis, this really sucks and I hope so much that it will be better again soon. Well, at least you have some feel-good pills :-D