Anyway now it feels great! I feel like I held a huge house party and while it was a great deal of fun, I am finally sitting down and relaxing in my messy, sticky house, after the majority of people have left.
(hey she's even sitting on a pillow!)
I am surveying the damage but really just enjoying the calm with close friends and new friends I am finally getting a chance to talk to now that the big party is over. SOoooooooooooo on to the after party shall we?
I had one of 'those' moments a couple of weeks ago. Don't worry it is still affecting my life now, this won't be a 'stale' post. I had an appointment for a nerve conduction test on my arm. My dear sweet cousin informed me it was painful- pfft...if only she knew what my body went through on a weekly basis if not more...snicker! Barney had rearranged his work for me so he could drive me. It was at one of the larger hospitals in town and I hate, HATE not knowing where I am going- control much? We managed to get there, parked and in my appointment without a single hitch. While lying on the bed, the technician said,
W- " Nope not at all" ( and I honestly didn't feel nervous in the least)
T- " Well you are shaking"
W- " No I'm not. Am I ? I don't feel like I am nervous or shakey"
T to Barney " Is she always like this" ( She was literally talking RIGHT over me. Helloooo? I am RIGHT HERE)?
B- " Not always- but pretty much"
AH??? Ah what?
That got me thinking, I know you are shocked. Barney later told me I have certain 'tells' when I am nervous. Of course he couldn't remember them at that exact moment.pfft. It is no secret that I don't like any type of appointment. Mostly because I don't like being late. I really don't care for the unknown. I like to have all my ducks in a row. Lately when I have been going to my doctor's appointments my blood pressure has been through the roof. However when I take my blood pressure at home it isn't AS bad. Huh. so maybe I do suppress my anxieties so well I don't even realize I have them at times. I decided to start paying a bit closer attention to myself. My body.
I have tendinitis. It doesn't sound as bad as it actually can feel at times. I have been going to physio therapy for a few months, and that may have helped. Mostly I have not been doing things to hurt it. As I have mentioned to some of you spankings and orgasms ( sorry for those who get squeamish with tmi but it is important to mention in this case) can be extremely painful, even if I don't clench my fists ( which can be REALLY difficult). I began to notice that in times of stress, ie anything school related with our son, pain. If I was temporarily lost driving, pain. If I had a discussion that I didn't like with Barney, pain. Basically tensing up equals pain.
You see as animated as I can be, I am also extremely stoic. EXTREMELY. My Dad would argue that I 'don't have a poker face' but in times of stress and anxiety, I switch over into a different zone. One I thought to myself was fantastic all this time, until I started to pay attention to my body due to this injury of mine.
Sooooooo very interesting BUT why am I telling you all this? Because it triggered a very interesting conversation between Barney and I. One that while was enlightening at the time is causing me....well arm pain now! LOL
I always knew I had some forms of anxiety. Mostly surrounding horror moans. I also knew I was a great suppressor . I had no clue I was an Olympic worthy 'athlete' in both of these categories. While discussing my discoveries with Barney he confessed a few things. He said ( and please note he is talking in the past tense. Don't start sending him hate mail. He has opened his eyes to his past 'wicked way' of thinking )
" You know before ttwd I used to not understand things like depression. I mean if you have a problem fix it right"
" Are you kidding me with this? That is so not fair"
" Oh I know! I mean I know that now. Although I still don't get it. But I guess that doesn't matter"
" I can't speak for depression, but I can tell you anxiety makes no sense to me either, but I can't help it"
" I know"
" Put it this way. You are afraid of heights, and I am of the ocean. Neither make sense right? I mean I didn't grow up anywhere near the ocean. Why be afraid of something I may never see? And you- "
" Well now I'm not afraid of heights if there are proper safety guidelines in place"
" You mean if you are enclosed? You said you wouldn't do the glass bottom plane"
*btw could you imagine how many drunks would be landing in your seat on the way to and from the restroom on this plane?*
" Well that is kind of like what ttwd does for my anxiety. It is always there in the background, waiting, but if ttwd is structurally sound. I feel safe and the anxiety isn't there as much. It crosses my mind but doesn't settle in my body- my arm"
"Well that makes sense to me now. Thank you"
I went on to describe what the day was like for me after my appointment. " Anxiety causes a little fire in me almost. No not the feisty kind she's got fire in her eyes kind. The bubbly tension type of fire. Over time I can let the fire dissipate on my own, provided there is nothing to blow oxygen on the coals to start the fire all over again."
Barney- " Like coming home the other day after your appointment and having the issues with Heir to the Throne's school"
" Yes exactly. It reignited the fire"
" And it didn't help that I moved our r/a."
"No it didn't. But I could have been okay, provided nothing else came up"
" Well what are the chances of that in this house? " chuckling
" You know I have told you before, it is like bungee jumping.
" You do go to a very bad place. I don't like it. "
" Neither do I, but if my safety nets are in place. If we are structurally sound, I can handle things much better"
So we continued to talk about control- as in me trying to control my emotions not necessarily the house. You see when I don't feel secure, I close up shop. I harden up. I may or may not go through the submissive motions ( well acts of service type stuff but that is technically my 'job' so I have little choice in the matter) but my heart is locked up in protective mode. I can't explain why that makes any sense, any more than I can explain why I am afraid of the ocean.
The week after this discussion was interesting. I had great hopes, that finally Barney might have understood how all of this helped me. How all of this was connected.
But we crashed....boy did we crash. And have done so twice since as well. Barney and I have different views on this. He feels I don't think he can 'do this'. I whole heartily disagree. I am continually reminding him that if I didn't think he could do this, I wouldn't be disappointed when he slipped up. I honestly don't feel like I expect him to do certain things, but I do anticipate things when he casually mentions them in conversations. To me the anticipation drop is hard. The landing is hurtful and I admit I am not pleasant to be around when it happens. I am sullen because I feel the anxiety building. My 'litmus' test, as Lillie likes to say, is my arm now. It starts to really, really hurt. I get to a state where I refuse to be able to talk about it. I mean I want to, but I just can't. I need to step away. The pain in my arm makes me sleepy which further complicates things as I am in no mood to discuss things when I am mentally cloudy. BOY overly dramatic or what?
Is it fair to burden my husband? No it isn't. I know that, and the guilt eats at me at times too. Here is the thing, ttwd really is about breaking down walls for me. By doing so, Barney is able to lead the way he wants and be loved the way he needs. I am more me and free. I wished to God I could be like 'others' whoever they are,-freely living without barriers of emotional fear. I just can't. I need control to be taken away. I need it even to have fun. As silly as it sounds. Being free enough to have genuine fun ( that doesn't include children) is the ultimate surrender of control for me. I recently realized this about myself as well. In the past I would organize these amazing parties ( oh yes toot toot....theme parties that were the talk of the town...no word of a lie) but organizing it was always more fun for me than being there. I was always running around making sure everyone was okay. You see hosting is an excellent distraction for reality.
Where I find myself,as I write this, is in the midst of our third fall since our initial discussion. We were recently away. Barney teased about spanking me in a different country. He mentioned how he missed his opportunity last spring and regretted it.- yet I was recovering from blisters AGAIN..lol.. He said he'd be gentle but we should do it. All day I thought of it, because I was scared. My blisters were covered over. I was kind of thinking it would be fun, but typical me I had to think it over in my head. Why? because it didn't happen. He didn't mention why.
Mark that as the start of a small fire within. The next day I mentioned to him how vacations like the one we were on really aren't relaxing for me. If we have to be *here* at such and such a time, it is always on my mind, like appointments. I can't relax if I am watching a clock. Blowing oxygen into the lit fire within. He acknowledged what I said, but I could tell it didn't register. -Sure I should have talked to him more and explained again-.The fire continues to build: going through customs....more oxygen to the fire; driving....fanning the flames; deadly silence in the car; phone call from the school....I acknowledge all of these things are stupid and little and really NOTHING compared to what many of you deal with on a daily basis. For years I would deny that these little things affected me, and this is what has brought me to where I am now - behind an emotional wall.
So I share with my husband in hopes that things will change for me- but they don't. I sit here behind the hardened heart,waiting for my husband to come home. I have been punished since we have been back from our vacation because I snapped at him. I was not remorseful as we were both at fault, so there was no release. I have been informed that we will be having a thorough 'discussion' when he arrives home from work IN.THE.MIDDLE. OF.THE.NIGHT. So yeah, real happy about that. But mostly I am hurt that our great discussion from a couple of weeks ago, where I anticipated great growth,change and understanding seems to have been forgotten, or at the very least just a thesis that can't be applied in our relationship.
Btw Barney has read this post..