Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Gorillas, and Rulers, and Thighs~ Oh My!

( Forgot to mention, grab a snack and get comfortable- its long)

Almost 2 months ago now, I think, I decided to take a walk ( figuratively) to a different 'playground'.  It is still in our neighbourhood, but I have never ventured down this particular street before. Others have talked about this playground and the type of people playing there, so I thought I should check it out and decide for myself.   The people were quite welcoming and friendly.  I even saw some faces  I knew.

One night while chatting, some of the women were discussing 'melting' when their husbands gave them the look.  Well I am certainly not that type of woman.  Sure, I suppose I wish I was...I mean it all sounds so dreamy.   I went on to explain that when my husband gives me the 'look', I give him MY look.  As in trying to freeze him with my cold stare.  No luck yet- not for lack of trying.

Do you ever sit there and wonder, am I ever going to be that person?  Am I even capable of being that person?  I don't mean in a 'woe is me' moment.  I mean in a strictly  analytic moment.  Pondering what that person even looks like? I was in that moment when a chat window popped up.  I can't remember the exact wording and we did go back and forth for a moment, but paraphrasing the man on the other end " Don't worry about melting, I bet you your husband loves those moments where you stare before you submit" ( I did tell the room that eventually I give a giggle and do whatever I was required to do) " Watching that inner struggle is a turn on".  A few days later I asked Barney whether he preferred what this man calls Subconscious Submission or the failed freeze stare - hesitation Submission.  Without even stopping to think, he said " Oh well your struggle for sure".  Huh.  I am not sure a year and a half ago his answer would have been the same, but here and now, I'll take it!

I won't pretend this summer has been all sunshine and roses Dd wise.  We have been slugging along as kids and family vacations, still seem to throw a wrench in things. Boy, that makes me sound like a horrible mother. This summer is nothing compared to last summer.  The Summer of Suckiness.  

Internally this was me last year

The beginning of this week, brought on tears.  At the most inopportune moment, I'll have you know!  Okay, second most inopportune moment- right after an intimate moment.  I wish I could say this hasn't happened before.  It has.  What made this different was the fact that I didn't have a coherent thought or feeling coursing through me.  Barney returned to our bed to find me, tears streaming down my face.  He asked me what was wrong.  I told him I had no clue.  He wiped away a tear and said, 

" I know we haven't been very connected lately.  I'm sorry that is my fault".
That explanation seemed as good as  any.  On to the rest of the week we went.  Things didn't change.  I was basically this girl.

                                       ( I envy her- she has no thighs!)

Tuesday night Barney and I went for a walk after dinner.  I wish I could say I was sweet and submissive-  that I dug deep, and was the person I want to be.  I wasn't.  I took the dog, and refused his offer to walk her. He frowned.  The walk I had mapped out in my mind. I did not discuss this with him. It was not our usual walk.  He would turn to go right, and I'd keep going straight.

" Oh so you are leading now? "

" Well you didn't communicate, that you wanted to go right.  I have an idea where I want to go" ( go ahead and sigh, shake your head, and FEEL SORRY FOR MY HUSBAND. In the moment I did too.)  I just couldn't 'lean into him'.  I was hurt, yet I didn't know why. I was stewing,  WHY?  Earlier he asked me, 

"What do you want to talk about?"

" Nothing" ( and everything )  I couldn't accuse him of anything.  I mean he did say on the Sunday morning that he recognized we were off......yet.....But so?  I mean I could have said/done something about that too.  I kept my mouth shut.

We sat by the river for a while.  

" I think we should get going before the bugs get too bad".  He stood up and made his way to the bank.  I sat staring at the water.  As difficult as this may seem to believe, I wasn't trying to be 'bratty'.  The water was soothing, and it was the calmest I had felt in days. Yet by no means was I settled.

" I am not ready"


" Okay, we'll stay for a bit longer"

On the walk home he seemed to be on a mission- trust me I am the fast walker in the household.  

" Could you walk a little faster please?"

"Why?  Do you have somewhere to be?"

" Yes I can't spank you arse out here" Ahhhhhhhhh that word!!!!!!!!! He knows it sends me!

( Let's back it up a bit)

A week and a half earlier, I was visiting the other neighbourhood park, chatting away with one of the men there.  I had inadvertently disobeyed Barney. I went on to explain this in our chat.
 See Barney is more the 'ask-tell' kind of guy.  He said " Don't worry about the caulking the bath tub. I'll do it".  I had time after I painted the bathroom, so I thought 'Well I'll just do it now so he won't have to'. ( At this point in the chat I was 'interrupted with a "YOU ARE IMPATIENT".  Pfft- okay so yeah he was right but still! lol) Problem being, while my arm is now at about 90% , apparently using a caulking gun is still NOT a great idea.
After I presented my 'case', this was his response,

"He's going to paddle your arse"

  I laughed. Oh if he only knew my husband!  We talked for several hours.  He asked me many questions publicly and a few privately that had and still have me thinking.  Mostly surrounding pain. I think I am beginning to understand myself a bit better in that regard.  Time will tell I suppose.  

He also came up with some 'solutions'- after we discussed the constant blistering of my bum. He said that my arse gets leathery because Barney doesn't move around much.  ( Barney will use the excuse he doesn't have a lot of territory to cover- I  STRONGLY disagree).  This is not what Gorilla meant (  he goes by the name, I'm not being snarky).  He informed me Barney needs to venture all the way down my legs to the back of my knees, and my inner thighs.  YIKES.  Yet the idea intrigued me.  I have had my sit spots spanked plenty.  The odd arrant paddle on my thighs but nothing serious.  Maybe THIS might get through my stubborn head of control.

Later that night Barney came home while we were still talking. Gorilla dared me to hand over the computer to B.  What the heck- I knew what he was going to say.  I wasn't prepared for the EVIL chuckles from my husband however!  ( apparently I am "an Amazing Pain in the Arse" ) sheesh.  Word obviously hasn't reached Australia that I am

So other than their apparently AMAZING wives ( I edited his comment to suit me), what did they talk about.? Why spanking inner thighs.  The ins and outs...okay mostly the ins of it. 

 Did Barney spank me for the tub?  Nope. Well yes.  Initially he didn't click into what I had done that was wrong.  I told him, in a playful manner, " Well I showed  I told Gorilla you wouldn't think I disobeyed you"  The next day after talking it clicked for him.  That night he told me he was going to spank me.  But it wasn't a punishment.

I pretty much sat on our bed like this.

I don't like being an experiment- yet I know at times it is necessary. Barney looked at me for a few moments.

"Okay, wow I guess I am really sending you mixed signals after all our discussions last week. I said I need to step up.  I need to make sure you take care of yourself and do what *I* think is best for you.  Of course this should be a punishment".  Don't get me wrong here people, my mind was not like this

I just need to have my ducks in a row.  Yeah, yeah, CONTROL...sigh .  After a quick caning ( lexan not actual cane) he moved on to the thigh area. 

 For our first time out, he used a short plastic ruler that he basically flicked.  Yeah, so not a pain I was used to, therefore I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I may be able to, but I am trying NOT to.  I am going to tell you it was more the awkwardness of this particular position he chose that had my mind swimming.  Like a gynecological nightmare appointment.

After he examined his 'handy'work'

"Oh, this leaves some interesting markings"  

MARKINGS????? Who is this man and what have you done with my husband?  After I took care of some pressing business ( he liked the markings apparently) I went to examine myself.

" I look like I have hickeys on my inner thighs!  Oh well I guess those will be more acceptable to explain if they are seen"

Let's just say I do believe there were two men who looked like 'the cat that swallowed the canary that week'.  One in the Northern and the other in the Southern Hemisphere.  But it gets 'worse' - better?  Not sure.  Better I guess if I am honest.

That night after our basically silent river walk, nothing happened.  I was grateful as I still wasn't sure what was going on inside of me.  The next day I did feel better.  Less unsettled.  Barney told me to go downstairs and come back to the bedroom in 5 minutes.  When I returned it was obvious that he was going to restrain me.

(I'll give you this visual to refer back to, because I am classy like that.)

 For whatever reason my heart sunk. SEX.  It is not that I don't enjoy sex with my husband. It was just the last time had me in tears, and I didn't feel like we moved that much closer to reconnecting. I had my doubts, but again I kept them to myself.  

"Please take off all of your clothes and get over the wedge" ( we have a cheap version of a sex wedge- I think its intended purpose is for acid reflux...not ASS, bare and up).  The wedge was in the middle of the bed.  Once I was in position, he put our leather blindfold on me and began to restrain my arms.

" I am removing your some of your senses, and restraining you in order that you might feel less in control before we talk".

( interesting) 

Next he attached my ankles to a spreader bar he had made months ago, but might have used twice.  After he attached that to other restraints.  Okay that ceiling fan is really strong!  HOLY.

Pretty sure there wasn't much pre-talk.  Just a whole lotta spanking.  Intermixed with a feather duster.  Yup you read that right.  Occasionally there was some moisturizer applied to my hind quarters, but basically a whole lotta spanking. 

I heard some of his words  
  • You are to graciously take a compliment when someone tells you you look beautiful.  Especially me, because you are.  ( naturally I was going to remember that one.)
  • Something about eating....
  • Something about letting go of control
  • Something about he is the one responsible for taking care of me and our family
He continued to talk .......and spank, and..................

I then turned into this caged animal!  It is a darn good thing he decided to restraint the spreader bar, because I was trying to figure out a way to knock him in the temple with the end of it at one point.  Those who have read here for a while have heard me talk about being silent, this time was no different with the exception of my snorting steam from my nasal passages.

I tried to embrace the pain.  I tried to focus on his words...nothing doing.  I bucked. I pulled against those damn restraints.  I snuffed .  I snorted.  Every once and a while I would relax.  Relaxed my hands. Relaxed my breathing.  My shoulders didn't seem to want to let go of the tension though.  There were two times where I was on the fringe of letting go completely.  I felt my white space moving in.  I was ready, but then BAM...something different.  HOLY HELL!   So close

It doesn't matter though, because he kept at it .  He spanked me past the anger.  Was I jelly for a couple of days after?  Nope, back to me without tears.  Maybe just a little of this happened

Someone does seem changed though.  BARNEY.  I mean aside from his new annoying arse term.  No he's not all bossy, bossy. Well maybe a little, but not really.  I can't exactly put my finger on the what.  I think he is maybe a little more confident?  Or secure?  LOL.. he did call me Brat today.  As in

" Are you almost ready to go Brat? "  that was never in his vocabulary before.  Not that way anyway.  More like " You are such a brat".

He also said he was pondering a no swearing rule, ( I had just banged my thumb!) because " It is not becoming of you"  ( come again????)

As for my thighs?

He actually was alarmed.  Why?  Because  he hasn't seen bruises in over a year. Blisters a plenty- aubergine bruises..not so much.  Meh.  I have long skirts!  LOL

And this guy?

Well he sent Barney a virtual high five.

Remember when I used to tease I needed new 'friends'? .