Saturday, August 23, 2014

Analogy Time: Out of the Fire








 As I have several new followers, ( hi all !) I will just post this here, and maybe as a reminder to anyone who forgot.  Private blogs don't load on your blog roll.  I have a public blog, Willie's World, that I post on with the link to this blog every time I post ( which hasn't been much..wow).  Anyway if you follow the public blog it will show up on your blog roll and tell you when I post.  If you want~ no pressure of course!

Link to Willie's world........http://williewhines.blogspot.ca/










Okay so WOW.  It has been a month since I last posted.  Who knew I could be quiet so long?  Actually I am still trying to figure out this entire pain and pain perception thing.  I was determined to figure it out and thought perhaps writing a post about it would clarify things for me, but I don't think I am ready for that yet.  Things are still really foggy in my head where that is concerned. So for now I think I will leave it be.  Anyone who knows me, understands this 'leaving something be' is a HUGE step for me.


I'll figure it out someday, and I have no doubt it will be a turning point for me.  But for now let's move on....

There was a question over on the Disciplined and Love forum last week: " Do you believe the introduction of DD can save a failing marriage or relationship?"



Through and interchange with another woman, I began to formulate  an analogy of mine and Barney's first (almost) 2 years of this. Seeing how I don't seem to be writing much this could very well be my 2 year post LOL. ( That isn't until October)  Yup....it's

( was that I groan I heard?  )

All kidding aside, before I begin, I want to make sure that everyone understands I am only talking about Barney and myself.   In addition if anyone has experienced the analogy loss that I am using, I am deeply sorry and I do not mean to make light of the situation.
 Several months ago a friend of ours had a house fire.  The fire started at the back of the house.  After the fire was extinguished, the front, to the outside world showed no damage to the exterior.  The frame was still in tact.  The siding looked perfect from the street.  Neighbours would never know  the house had sustained such damage, unless they went inside. 



In some ways, many, this was us prior to Dd.  But in more ways this was us DURING Dd.  At least for what seemed like a very long time.  To our face to face friends the exterior was the same.  We might not have used the front door often, ( oh that almost sounds dirty) to venture further from our house, but for all intensive purposes the house remained standing, as always.  Inside was an entirely different matter.

Dd in those first couple of months, okay MONTH, brought a spark.  I can't deny that. Commonly known as  the honeymoon phase.  A phase I tried so desperately to return to with such heartache when it didn't happen with the same brightness and heat as it did with that first spark.  The spark did  catch on though ~to the roof our our house!  Every time I thought , "This is just a little burn".  Every time we tried to walk away grateful that we learned to move the source of the destructive fire further away.  Or on good days put it out completely.  Somewhere around January of that first year, the interior went up in flames.  The fires had been smoldering here and there in the walls I suppose.  Instead of facing them, or maybe because we didn't understand what we were facing, we didn't. (One of the posts here.)

This friend of ours whose house caught on fire went out with us one night a couple of weeks later.  He was distraught about the fire, who wouldn't be, but more than that, he concentrated on all the good.  He had switched jobs a few months earlier, and admitted he still didn't know all of the people in his office.  He returned to work a week after the fire to find an envelope with money and a card signed by every person in his office.  Donations from friends, and offers for accommodations came from all over, and unlikely sources.  He didn't ask, people just stepped up.  

In my analogy this happened to us.  People who I came to know, reached out even further to me.  To us.  Some said it was okay to let go and go back to your old life.  Some said they were sorry.  One told me that I must do what I feel is right, but once you take the lid of Pandora's Box it is very difficult to put it back on again.


  He was right.  I don't mean about the spankings, I think those could be there for us even if Dd was not.  I mean the way our lives had changed.  The way our communication grew.  The connections we formed.  Of course one could say, just hold on to what you learned and use it.  Some days I can't even seem to do that WITH Dd..LOL

Pat ( let's call our friend) turned to me in the pub we were at and said, " I stood there in my family room, looking at my kitchen and I kept saying, 'Pat it is all just stuff'.  Trying to convince myself.  Then I turned to my 50  inch flat screen tv - it had been reduced its rectangular support, and I thought, you know what it IS all just stuff".  

When I wrote the " Hitting Rock Bottom"  post our house had burned.  All the good that Dd had brought to us was hidden behind smoke and water damage.  It seemed to destroy so many parts of our relationship at that time.  I didn't have it in me to look around like Pat and see that those things that were destroyed, were just things- stuff.  They were replaceable.  Unimportant in the grand scheme of things.




Before Dd we never really fought in the traditional sense.  We would go about our lives in polite detachment if we hurt each other; waiting for time to dissipate or deaden those feelings.  There was nothing to resolve then.  That first year of Dd, boy did we argue!  Only about Dd~  or so I thought.  Standing, and looking back from where I am now, we weren't fighting about Dd.  We were throwing out our insecurities that had been stifled for so long . Me being upset because he forgot to spank me when he said he would, or because he was doing it on a schedule so he wouldn't forget, was really " I want you to SEE me here.  I want to be important enough for you to remember me- my favourite colour, my allergies, my 4th grade best friend...whatever.  I WANT TO MAKE THE LIST.  Your List". 



His 'forgetting' was the paralysis he had felt for years.  " I am going to do this wrong, and she'll be upset.  No point in even trying. She demands perfection .I don't like to feel uncomfortable. "  or " How can I spank her to regret?  This takes too long"  (She's not typical to read.  Other men have it easier).  I am not Ian ( or any other dominant HOH.) ...was really  " I don't think I can measure up to the men in your family, in your life, in your mind.  I am not like them".

At the time we didn't know.  We both knew that there was more than met the eye with these arguments and stumbles we continued to encounter.  We just didn't understand what they meant to each other.  " I want to make the list"spoken by me was heard by Barney as " You obviously don't love me like.... or you would remember."  " You aren't trying hard enough".  So much smoke and water damage.

I must have written dozen of posts about my reactions to our stumbles.  ( like this one ) and how my past contributed.  I just don't think at the time I knew the gravity of the hold my past had on me.

Our friend's house fire actually did start on the upper floor and burned it's way down.  Facing the problems of our past and how realizing they played a huge factor in our Dd relationship was similar.  The first beams that were uncovered were the ones near the top-things, issues, that either were more recent, or ones that appeared blatantly obvious.  As time went on, more and more was stripped away, deeper into the house the damage was exposed.  Beams that seemed to be exposed in the attic were merely the tip of the ice burg.  Issues in the structure, damage, wasn't only sustained from the fire.  Less obvious issues were things that actually a required closer look.




Pat was overjoyed that his basement, despite having a good foot of water in it, did not destroy some things he had been collecting for years,even before his marriage.  His jukebox and his old albums did not suffer the damage they could have.  

Recently we heard from Pat.  The insurance company has decided that the house will be brought down to the foundation and rebuilt.  The future risk from smoke and water damage, mold especially, is too great  a risk  to just putt up drywall after the studs have been aired out.  Pat of course wanted to initially just have his house renovated because that meant his family could move back in sooner, however he concedes that this is the best course of action.  In the long run he will sleep better knowing that there isn't some bacteria growing on his supports.

Someone mentioned to him that they can upgrade now.  He said while somethings will have to be changed as the house is over 20 years old and those materials aren't available now, this was/is his dream house.  He wants much of it to be the same as before.  Only newer.

That is us now.  The 'fire' of Dd did bring down our house around us.  Unlike Pat, we needed it to.  We lived our dream life, a real dream.  We woke up. LOL.   If our interior hadn't been set ablaze would we have been happy?  Well we would probably have thought Dd wasn't for us.  The connection was strained.  We would have washed the soot off of the exterior of the house and tried something else.  Did that mean it would put an end to our marriage?  I am not entirely sure if I am honest.  I knew I wanted more from our marriage, Barney had not yet reached that stage.  Perhaps we would have found something else that triggered a connection.  You see we weren't rekindling a spark. I was too guarded even the first time around to breathe enough oxygen into the flames to keep the heat alive.

 Dd did however gut our inside.  We found treasures in our basement just like Pat.  Things we cherished so long ago were protected, and we were rewarded for our diligence in that area.  Just like Pat, we look upon those things as GREAT treasures, more so than before the fire. We have a greater appreciation for what they went through and survived.


We are rebuilding.  In many ways our house is finished- in a way any house can be .(Let's face it, furniture still needs to be rearranged, wall colours changed, and new pictures hung).  The house has a very familiar feel , but a slight newness to it as well.  With newness comes some uncertainty and fear.  Perhaps a, " Is that door over 3 inches because now I keep walking into it?" instability to it.  However that is overshone with the comfort it brings being back in our old house-that is new.




As for Pandora's box?  Well I think it might have contained a flame thrower for us! 




... but obviously for us we needed it to.

36 comments:

  1. Wow, I can relate to so much of this post. I loved the "polite detachment", that was us, with a little bit of passive aggressiveness, and then my explosive Irish temper...from time to time :) Mostly, we just detached, and moved on. The problem with that is, all those issues and emotions came out our first year too (and still now) I know most people say that Dd reduced the amount of arguments, and while we may have had less, the ones we did were intense. They were full of raw emotions and a lot of hurt. I think we both realized that we were going to have to deal with a lot of old issues before we could get to the good stuff. It's been tough, like really tough. Expressing emotions and communication them is not a strong characteristic of mine...except anger. I do that really well. It's definitely been a struggle, but so worth it. I like your analogy, because it definitely holds true to us, we needed that flame thrower too, and I like the way we're rebuilding together. There is a newness. Loved this post, and I'm sure your house looks beautiful!!

    Hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jennelle.

      Ah yes, "don't get my Irish up! " I know it very well. LOL. Passive aggressive? Oh a dash of that too! Like I said, we didn't really have many arguments before, but I don't think that was a good thing. I thought or felt we were passionless because of it. It appeared neither one of us thought it was 'worth it' so we didn't bother. Little did we know, 'banking our fire' was going to cause a whole lot more damage in the end.

      I too used to think the only emotion I could express was anger, until I realized that anger was the easy one to pop out and 9 times out of 10 wasn't the real emotion I was feeling. It was the quick and explosive one, but the true emotion, always laid behind that one. Barney finally realized this too after many, many conversations. So he quietly waits now for me to come back to him with the real issue. Before he used to become so frustrated with my anger, now he knows it is just smoke and mirrors, and eventually I will process what is going on inside and be more reasonable.

      Like you said though, it has been tough. REALLY tough to go against all our 'safe guards' and put ourselves out there vulnerability wise. These are things we actually have to struggle through ourselves to actually fully understand. At least that has certainly been my experience thus far.

      As for our house? Well we are on a renovation break! The kids start back to school in a few days, and I think Barney has some major um, ideas as far as colour goes! LOL

      Hugs back
      willie

      Delete
  2. Polite detachment - yes, us too! Our house metaphorical probably needs to be burnt to the ground. Happy yours is rebuilt. The furniture and paint and whatnot, that always can use freshening and is never really done anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey sweet lips! LOL

      I see polite detachment all over the place with my face to face friends. So we are not alone there. It almost seems that for many marriage is something that is endured. On a happier note, maybe not everyone needs their house to be burned to the ground. Maybe some can benefit simply by opening some windows and a few blinds?

      I hope the freshening up is never really done here. I don't want to become stale again. Although maybe I wouldn't mind a feeling of completion for a little while ;)

      Delete
  3. Willie and Janelle I am with you also. We are only in the first six months and experiencing the same things. Before we would mostly just let things slide and move on with detachment. Neither of us like conflict so it was easier to let it go. Janelle, you said you argue less now but more intensely. I can relate to that. Our last argument ended up with me on the couch. Don't have red hair though! :) So now we are really dealing with things that were previously let go. The summer has been smooth because the stress levels are low with us not working but that all changes next week. Zeke is back to work and I will be going in two weeks. Thanks for sharing Willie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think in many ways Paige, the first 6 months can be the toughest. Or maybe it was the second six months? LOL. I spent many a night on the couch. Or putting the Great Divide between us in bed after starting Dd. Hurt masked as anger seemed to dominate my thoughts at least once a month ( don't even get me STARTED on horror moans!)

      I discovered so much about myself during that time. Understanding myself went a long way into understanding the way I treated my husband and our 'arguments'. Because we avoided conflict we had to actually learn HOW to argue the old fashion, negative way, and then learn how to do it in a way we could both be heard and both be respectful. As I have often said, we had to create a new language between the two of us.

      Don't be surprised or too upset that the apple cart might be turned over in this newer phase again. For some of us it is the summer that causes bumps in the road, for others it is the schedules resuming after the summer that causes it. Each time it gets a tad easier Paige!

      Delete
  4. Ok I loved this analogy post. I feel like my relationship with my husband is similar. We're at that crazy part where we want so much to have DD in the forefront of our marriage but it's taken a backseat while we build our house (literally). The thing I find interesting is that even though we don't practice OHK as much as we did before, much of the DD foundation is still there. It hasn't gone anywhere and it still feels firm. I'm glad you have a well rebuilt home. That makes all the difference. Great post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel that too lady. I mean not just with you and P. I feel it here too. Where a year ago when Dd wasn't in the foreground, I was concerned the foundation was leaky. Now I know it is strong and the wind might be rustling through a few cracks, I feel safe and secure in our house now.

      And YAY to the house!!! I just can't WAIT until you are in it and your life resumes the way you both intend it too. Don't worry I'll be there for you to cry on my shoulder...You are SO going to need it! LOL.

      Delete
  5. Oh my, the burning house analogy had something to it. I got it that couples try to create this fa├žade and behind it they might be in their personal hell. And due to some reason it took time for you to see that behind the smoke there is something new, something almost forgotten and something better. Maybe this is one of the exciting bits of your house, first of all, you rediscovered so many good things that you had put into your basement and suddenly you realized how much you cherished these. Then you had the chance to build something new, by adding to the good parts of your house that you found. And it is not always easy to see that. I cannot really say I like fighting, but the way you wrote this, it is definitely positive, because it means you are really focusing on each other, which is awesome. Maybe it is a little bit painful sometimes, but it is definitely what I’d also choose, compared to a relationship based on polite lack of interest. I am fully with you and anything less than being interested in each other is awful in a relationship.
    Hmm, I like the Pandora’s box analogy, especially this night. I am not sure, but in Pandora’s box there also was hope (very encouraging!), among all the evils of the world. … And a flamethrower. I wish I had had it today, because this was a rotten day here, but in your house Barney and you seem to have put it to perfect use! I hope you see more of your awesome, renovated house, because I am so sure it is beautiful.

    hugs

    Nina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Nina!

      I hope things with you and the little bambino are moving along smoothly. I have tried over 4 times now to follow your blog and well, blogger apparently hates me. I will continue to try however.

      Yes! Yes! Fighting does suck but it isn't a bad as " a polite lack of interest' ! Truthfully the hurt and loneliness that accompany the feelings prior to a 'fight' are so unbearable at times. The pressure behind those emotions wanting to escape in a confrontation was something I had never experienced with my husband before. Honestly it was a tad terrifying. The feelings after, were relief. Fortunately we never ventured into name calling or much accusation, but being able to 'vomit' out those feelings left me spent, but also light. I had no idea how heavy unexpressed emotions could make a person feel.

      Now of course, for the most part I am able to see those feelings starting to build and am able to talk to Barney about them. Together we try and find a reason or resolution, however most times he has seen it coming too.

      Ah yes Pandora's Box. So much discussion has arisen since I posted about it. I am not sure I could put a lid back on it, and thankfully I haven't had to try. For me Pandora's Box is a positive and the negative was just a byproduct of having to work through something I wanted yet didn't know how to manage.

      hugs
      willie

      Delete
  6. I like your burning house analogy. It's not that we actually went through anything like that but it does pretty well explain what you went through and why you did what you did. It also shows you had that special 'something" that caused you to want to rebuild.

    In our case we were pretty fortunate to "design" our house and in doing so we built it from the ground up. We only had ourselves to please and there were no outside expectations or pressures. It also meant that changes were easier for both of us to adapt to.

    Willie, I love your style of writing. Very impressive

    snoozz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well hello Handsome and welcome to our little neck of the woods. Happy you could stop by.

      I suppose we are in the designing from the ground up phase now too snoozz. I don't think I would change a thing even though the leveling of our house was devastating at the time. I envy you for being able to start fresh with your partner from the get go. That just wasn't meant to be in our case, but it may very well be if we decide to expand in the future.

      Thank you for your MORE than generous comment concerning my 'writing'

      willie

      Delete
  7. The fire analogy really does a great job of explaining your experiences. I watched a friend go through a fire and it's an amazing process to see what's accomplished in the end, when all the rebuildng and red tape and crap are done, that you have something better than what you started with.

    I think you're right about having no idea how much the past affects us - or not realizing how much until we have to face it.

    Keep writing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Urgh....to the stupid past! Why can't it just stay there where it belongs? I suppose at least in my case, not dealing was my way of dealing way before I dragged Barney into the mix. Well Dd certainly brought all that stuff to the surface. I'm hoping we have finished with that, but some how I highly doubt it. Oh well, that is what makes life interesting I suppose.

      Delete
  8. I don't understand Dd and I guess I never will. But what I do know is that this small area of blogland shows that communication is the most important thing there is and how little your average man lacks any semblance of basic communication skills. It takes a brave and very strong woman to confront her partner and insist that they change and grow together as their lives and circumstances change.

    It is very sad to me that most men do not have the first idea that, just like the house on fire, there needs to be any maintenance in their relationship until there is a crisis. By then it is usually too late. Over and over again they find that there is nothing but the basement left and there is no foundation upon which to rebuild. Rather than communicate and attempt to re-discover the treasure buried there they run and hide or have a "mid life crisis" which all too often then eds up in the divorce courts.

    I am very fortunate to have discovered this small part of the blogaverse as, to me, it contains a group of very strong women who will not let their men fall into this house fire trap. I think the Dd label belittles their strength and commitment to make their relationship work by forcing their men to talk and to know their feelings. If only the majority of the world had such strength there would be far less unhappy people.

    Willie, I loved your house on fire analogy; it so described Mumski's and my relationship until we became empty nesters and had to actually have a look for the hidden treasures.....luckily we found we actually do like each other after all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hiya Don!

      I too am happy you found this little area of blogland as I so enjoy your comments. I would hazard a guess that it isn't just men who have a difficult time seeing that their relationships need maintenance in order to avoid crisis. I think that maybe women have a stronger longing for overt affection and that is what has driven us to Dd? I was terrified that when we became empty nesters there would be no foundation left because of neglect, for us to build upon. I know in our relationship, at least the first year of Dd I was always 3 steps ahead, of Barney. Planning, what if.....and he was in the moment guy. I guess that is essentially what you meant.

      I am not so sure whether I have strength or just an undying stubbornness about me. Sometimes during that first year I felt incredibly selfish. I thought that I was pushing something on my husband that he truly didn't want. He appeared happy before and Dd seemed to cause him such frustration and angst. Eventually though he came to see the benefits it had on me- but again I still felt selfish. It wasn't until well into our second year before he found he desired it for US. I was in the process of deciding if I could live with the fact that he was doing this 'for me' when he came to this realization.

      I know it isn't for everyone. It can be a very difficult and painful 'battle' morphing into a relationship with no real guidelines specific to your relationship. A road map to get from point A to point B would have been so helpful at times. The only real compass is COMMUNICATION. Sounds simple, but as we all know the reality of that is anything but.

      I am so happy you two found your hidden treasures together. You certainly have become treasures to me.

      Delete
  9. Hi Willie,
    Your house fire analogy is beautiful and so easily understood. Rog and I have been in a house fire. We were sleeping at the time and are so great full that we were lucky to have woken up and survived. We did rebuild and enjoyed the process because we were so happy to be alive to work together to rebuild everything.

    I remember that we didn't even realize how much the house needed to be freshened up until it was all done. It was a lot of work but worth the adventure. That adventure of rebuilding taught us so many things and showed us how well we do work together.

    I have missed your analogies and loved this one. Finding those hidden treasures in the basement is so much fun, isn't it?
    Love
    Kim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI Kim!!!

      Oh I am so glad you told me you were okay with this analogy as you went through this in reality. I was so worried I'd come across as flippant in the real rebuilding process.

      I do love the fresh view of old treasures that Dd has brought back into light. I am grateful that all worked out in your real world fire, as I am happy to consider you a friend. NOW lets get back to our chatting shall we?

      Much love
      willie

      Delete
  10. So glad I stopped by. This was wonderful to read. Great analogy Willie. I think it's rather common for couples to get to that stage early on. We sure had several months where I was convinced I'd sent everything we had up in a blaze. I was certain I'd ruined everything we'd built the last decade. I regretted (just for a moment) ever even finding out about DD & D/s. I'm glad I stayed patient and committed to communicating and letting him lead us in exploring things so that we could figure out what we wanted and rebuild.

    I think the redecorating will continue to happen throughout the rest of life. So enjoy rearranging the furniture and changing the paint colors from time to time as your life changes together. <3 Coral

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Coral!

      So you only regretted it for 'just a moment' huh? Man I have to say there were many times I wondered..."why did I open my mouth?' I hope that some day I will forget those days of doubt, but I haven't been far enough away from them to yet.

      You are right though, redecorating not only will continue, I believe it MUST continue. At least to keep the value of the 'house'

      Delete
  11. Willie,
    I loved this analogy your posts I seem to relate to so much. Our marriage might have been a bit different and the same. We didn't fight, but we were just there going through the motions. I knew Lee loved me, he knew I loved him. We neither of us just didn't ask much of the other, things I felt deep inside I kept to myself, doing that so long caused many problems after starting DD. I still have to remember I am not in charge, I do have someone who wants the best for me & us. It is not just me doing me things anymore. I know I am rambling anyway I loved your post, and I am so happy for you guys!
    honey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hiya honey!

      I understand exactly what you are 'rambling' about here honey. I too kept so much in. More so than I even realized. It scares me how 'zombie' like I had become. I was always animated, but my insecurities and anxieties, and mostly fears we are sequestered behind some force field I had no clue existed. Barney now ( on occasion) points it out to me. Thanks DEAR! LOL

      Thanks for being happy for us~ but that doesn't mean we don't still hit major , MAJOR complications deciding on um upgrades

      willie

      Delete
  12. Thank you for this post. We don't argue, but we don't communicate well. The topic of DD has been brought up, but that's about it for a variety of reasons. You've given me something to think about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Meg.

      Urgh to the communication thing. We just had a stumble which in turn led to a few others until a massive meltdown happened. Communication is important, but some times I still wonder if I am managing it effectively. When Barney isn't, it makes me wonder why as well. See we have lots to think about too!

      Delete
  13. Hi Willie, very insightful post. I think your fire analogy can be applied to every relationship imaginable (husband/wife, mother/daughter, father/son, parent/child) because we all have a public and private countenance. TTWD surely can be a catalyst for enhanced communication in a marriage and I am delighted that you and Barney are experiencing that wonderfully exciting new house feeling! Keep re-arranging the furniture, re-decorating and maybe even occasionally adding a new room! And please share the adventure as you go because we all learn from each other. In fact, I think it might be a good time to start a few brush fires at my domicile!

    love,
    George

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey George

      Let's just say that this past week it would appear our contractor cut some corners on our new rebuild! LOL. We didn't plummet to the basement, but there was a fall and an injury that could have been avoided. Oh well all part of the process I guess.

      Love willie

      Delete
  14. Hi Willie *waves* I made it here ... finally!! :) I'm so sorry it has taken me so long. I feel like such a bad friend:(

    Wow, almost two years! Congratulations to you and Barney on your (almost) DDiversary :) This is such an awesome post and a great reflection of your Dd 'adventure', the ups and downs and how you have got to where you are now. It has been such an honour to follow your adventure. I remember the earlier posts and events you refer to. You two have come such a long way and found what is right for you. It's so wonderful to see.

    I love the house fire analogy and think many of us can relate. This lifestyle is a steep learning curve, after the honeymoon period. Digging deep, learning to communicate better and peeling back those layers. The benefits are so worth it :)

    Lots of love and Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah yeah, you're late...Yeah, yeah almost two years. Barney tried to tell me it was two years already. Pffft. No honey it only seems like forever! LOL.

      But seriously I am the one who should ( and does) feel honoured that you decided to follow along on this little adventure of ours. I am not entirely sure we have found what is right for us YET. We keep trying, and changing. The further we go, the greater my needs seem to be. I wonder if we are ever actually going to be on the same page. Probably not, but ya never know?

      Steep learning curve indeed! WOW you aren't kidding. I honestly don't think we have ever really felt on strong footing. Not too say we don't believe we have a solid foundation- just that maybe we are not accustom to the 'newness' of our steps? I can't exactly say for sure. But we do keep trudging forward.

      Thanks for being here for me for almost two years Roz. I really do appreciate our friendship. And get that darn tablet figured out so we aren't so hit and miss with coffee/ tea time!

      Love
      willie

      Delete
  15. Hi Willie,
    As usual your analogy is spot on for many of us out here too. I remember the days of avoiding each other all too well! For us too, there was more confrontation and hurt feelings in the first years of dd, because we were no longer ignoring our issues! But the upside is that we learned how to REALLY communicate. Instead of just, "you hurt my feelings when you don't do what you said you would", I learned to say "I feel unimportant to you when you don't do what you said you would". A minor distinction I know, and to a woman (at least a dd one) it sounds pretty much the same. But I'm not married to a woman, I'm married to a man that needs it spelled out sometimes, or at least he used to. I think he may have "heard it all" by now. I guess my point is that when times get hard, it really helps me to remember that growth hurts sometimes, and that some things really do need to be torn down and rebuilt rather than patched. always

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH those quotes are so true River. How we phrase what we say to our husbands makes all the difference in the world. The first one ( to them ) sounds like an attack ( and it probably was- guilty by the way) and the second one allows them to see how we are affected by it all.

      As for the 'heard it all before' , well sadly we just went through a patch where the floor fell out from beneath us The same spot as before. I finally said, " I must be a horrible communicator because we seem to be stumbling here again " I think if one of us starts 'growing' in our role and the other is not there yet, some of the same problems rear their head again. Sort of like each floor of the house has to be rebuilt from the joists up. Let's just say I though we had the flooring laid and it was only the sub floor. There goes that hurt that comes with growth at times.

      Delete
  16. Hi Willie, I told you that you were wise :)~ I think Jordan and I are in the mist of the fire! We still haven't figured out how to fight fair. In the past we spent days fighting over silly things. Now I usually get angry and get punished but the conflict doesn't last for days. I'm still in the I'm not important enough if he forgot stage and he is in the maybe I'm not cut out for this stage. Im looking forward to the rebuild being complete:) I believe Dd did save our marriage though. Prior to starting Jordan was in that mid life crisis someone mentioned and we were headed for divorce court literally. Now even though the fire is blazing I'm confident our foundation is strong. Thanks for all your wisdom along the way♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh you and your WISE crap! You make me sound 90 !!! LOL . Hi Lillyanna.

      Psst I'll let you in on a little secret~ 2 weeks after I wrote this post, it appeared we had a residual fire burning somewhere in our house. No we were 'fighting' fair, we just were mis-stepping and miscommunicating left, right and centre. Things seem to be on an upswing, but sometimes those burns are sensitive for a few days.

      While I am no longer in the "I'm not important enough for him to remember me phase' the not following through thing still hurts. Barney has trouble too at times when life is hectic outside of home and then his wife is crazy ( most likely because he is MIA ) in the home. He appears to shut down or second guess himself at times. I don't actually know if this will ever go away- but now I try not to see it as a direct reflection of me. It was a long hard road to get to that point however.

      I am happy that your foundation is strong. As for my "wisdom" pfft! We Dd women need others to hold our hand and pull us up when we fall...ALL of us do. Regardless of how long we have been 'at this'. Just like life, Dd is ever changing.....

      Delete
  17. I read this (yes, whoever rules the internet decided to let me in) and thought about it being almost 2 years...and about the summer of suckiness last year and all that has happened since. I don't think you can ever tell anyone new to DD how little it is actually about the second D and how much it is about the first--all the self discovery, horridly frustrating communication, the fire that rages through the inside of the house, even the relational redecorating as you go along. This is why we need to keep encouraging those who are trying to stick it out, to not give up on ourselves or our partners. I'm sad that so many couples disappear (and it's okay if DD isn't the way for them...I know you know what I mean) before they go through and then experience the things you explain in this post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I shall have to speak to the overlord of the internet again. He is fired!

      It hasn't actually almost been two years for YOU...I do believe you 'finally' made you way to my blog several WEEKS after I had been blogging. Back then that must have been 25 posts! LOL.

      Yeah funny eh? ( threw in a little Canadian for you in case you were home sick ) how Dd really has very little to do with d and yet without it is causes such grief. A real pickle actually. I mean for whatever reason, the vulnerability that comes with spanking opens up communication and yet often freezes us. We know we need to, but communicate WHAT exactly..? or HOW? Or what AM I feeling? Or WHY is he not..... good grief. Or my personal favourite....DIDN"T WE ALREADY TALK ABOUT THIS!!!

      But for *me* personally it was a 'journey' of personal reflection. As Lillie once said, " you seem to need to take everything apart and understand how it works" . It is true. So while I was off doing that ( waiting for the second d ) Barney had a lot of reflection to do on his part. He actually didn't do much beyond, " I don't know why" " Something is not connecting for me"....but slowly....PAINFULLY slow, he stopped trying to dissect and just started trying. He had to take his leap of faith again and again too.

      I understand why people decide to abandon Dd. Some abandon it and stay here, just by changing the names and meanings of words to suit what is palatable for them. It is a difficult thing to come to grasp with. It is a difficult thing to close you eyes and walk in the darkness with no guidance just trust....and a WHOLE lotta stubborn! LOL

      Delete
  18. You and your anologies! But for you, this is a good one. I can see much more easily where you are coming from, and believe me, I am very happy to see you are nearly finished with the rebuild. LOL Agreeing on those window frames, and where to hang the porch swing, nearly had me swinging from the rafters once or twice!

    But we had our 'fire' long before Dd?TTWD. I wish I had had this anology way back then, because it would have helped immensely, except that of course I would have wondered what the hell Dd was.

    Life is change. We cannot stay in the same rut or we stagnate. I somehow don't see you as the stagnation type. LOL

    It's sad to see people go from here. More than sad. But they all have their own needs, and we are all different. For some of us, Dd is but a tiny piece in the jigsaw puzzle of our lives, and perhaps they continue with it unannounced, or will return to it at a later date. After all, Dan and I know we can never be without some form of Dd/TTWD, and I know you and Barney are the same, but others perhaps do not see it that way.

    You DO seem to take everything apart to see how it works.

    And I studied 'Reflective Psychology' at Masters level. So in a way, I do the same. It's very tough, Willie, to walk down that Hall of Mirrors. We have both had different experiences, but we've won the right to the teeshirts and the badges. (I'm smiling and nodding my head in agreement with you here.)

    All we can do is trudge up the next hill and hope the slope the other side is a gentle one for once.

    You take care now.

    Many hugs
    Ami

    (Good grief, I keep signing my real name and then having to alter it before I hit the button! So stupid!)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hi!

    I thought maybe you lost the directions to find me. LOL. Knowing your past as you have told me over the past almost two years, I can see how your house may have suffered a few charred marks along the way. Of course you have been together twice as long as Barney and I have been, so with or without Dd we may very well have experienced the burning down the house anyway. Perhaps the fire was smoldering to begin with and that is what had me searching for something?

    Yes we do belong to the ever growing club of t-shirt, badge wearing women ! Our shirts may be different colours, but the badge of " I choose to survive this crap! " is the same!!! LOL

    We do need to talk soon.

    Much love
    willie

    ReplyDelete